So Much for the Maternal Instinct

This headline was pulled off the Associated Press today:

 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/29/children.killed.ap/index.html

 

Considering the youngest baby was 8months old, I’m going to guess at a severe and untreated case of post-partum depression. As sad as it is, that is my only solace. I would pray that it had nothing to do with her ‘estranged’ (hate that word) husband not being there. Because that takes my mind another way. You know, her feeling the desperation of her young age with 4 children,  having been a wife and mother from 18 years old, and then he leaves her? That might’ve have been too much.

 

Still, it is very sad and heartbreaking to thing what those children must’ve been thinking as their mother – their MOTHER – was doing this.

 

God help us, these are the worst times of our life.

I'm too Sexy for this Blog...

Told you I was gonna show you proof:

Booty Shot!

And now for the sultry look:

Here's one of my faves, which was a mis-shot actually:

Here's my other fave (so spiritual, isn't it?):
I am accepting my toes, Flinstone-esque and all:


A full view of Stiletto Love:

My first Picture Post! Yay!

PAR-TAY!

I went to the Kween's party last night at a club in E. St. Louis, Jessie's Place. That was monumental in itself, since I haven't set foot in a club since before the WonderTwins were born (circa 2002). The cool thing is that it was an over 30 set, so the grillz and gold teeth were minimal and the tees and jeans weren't allowed. The music was a nice mix as well. Translation: Minimal cursing and typical name-calling of women was virtually non-existent. Whew!

I got there rather early, because it started at 7pm, but most folks didn't show til after 10! I'm glad there was a nice turnout for her. I was almost a big girl and got a drink, but decided on cranberry juice all night instead. I tried to get the New Guy to come over, but he was visiting his friend (as usual). I checked with Cody, who's been dying to see me (no we still haven't seen each other in person since we reconnected), but he couldn't come out and play. Kween asked me about the Commander, and I knew that that wasn't his set - it was barely mine!! So I had decided to hang with her friend/my ex Roman for the evening (she knew and I knew he would be on me like a powder blue leisure suit), but he didn't show up! He came to the place Friday night - her actual birthday - and then was constantly on his way last night. He even told other people about it and kept reminding them all week and he didn't show. He along with many others who said they were coming but never showed just got on the wrong person's badside! As bad as I wanted to stay at home and do nothing, I went, and I'm very glad I did. It was a nice break from the everyday *blah* that has become my life.

The kids stayed at Leigh's house, and I got home and crashed about 130a. But not before me and the self-timer on my digital camera had our fun! I washed and flat ironed my hair and did my face. Then, as always, I threw something on at the last second and BAM!! Fierceness from head to toe! Just you wait, I'll have pictures up later today, and you'll see!

ps. you can reach my site by www.solo-mommy.com! Yay me!!!

(solo-mommy does a jump and kick; heard something POP; has to go lie down now)

TGIF - Memorial Day Weekend

Thank You God for 3-day Weekends!!!



So much is going in my life right now...it is unbelievable! Even I am wondering how I'm holding it together and I'm the one living it!



No, I am not going to go into it, but I know for sure one of two things is happening. I am either being attacked or I'm being dealt with! (Those who know and serve God know what I am talking about) I'm at a toss-up to which it is at this point. Lord knows I've done enough lately to be dealt with.

I've decided to have Memorial Day at my house this year, and will celebrate DJ's 10th birthday at that time. I pray to have the van sold by then. I just placed another urgent ad. Hopefully it will work, now that I've lowered the price yet again, and added no reasonable offer refused.

That means I need to clean this weekend. Oh joy. I mean really clean, including a little organizing in the garage as well. The slumlord sent his father-in-law to take down the fence that was damaged back in December, but he did half and it's still lying in the backyard. I'll move it myself of I have to, I just have nothing to say to them.

The New Guy is catching Hades right now too it seems. I try to send him a text to let him know he's on my mind and that I'm thinking of him. I sent him an ecard this week to put a momentary smile on his face. What's up with us? For now, I'll just be content with us being friends. I don't know what else to think, and now is not the time for either one of us to figure otherwise.

I cleared work almost 2 hours early, and had planned on going home but decided to go to my sisters' house and just hang out with them. I enjoyed it and so did the kids. We didn't get home til a little after 9p. I'll just have them shower in the morning. They will survive!

I think I have decided to actively pursue another job, though I know it will not solve my ultimate issue (wanting to make my own hours). But, I had no intention of going through the summer on this schedule, and yet here we are. Then I find out today that I am on a written warning so I cannot move from my position for the next 30-90 days (ie, whichever they see fit). The good thing about that is that I can move out the door at any given time! Everyday that you are out sick counts against you, even if they are consecutive. 3 days = 3 counts. Remember the week Champagne was sick? That was three right there. I've been sick a few times, as well as the Bruzer. And then anytime you are late over 4 minutes, that's a quarter of a count. Last week Monday, I logged in at 835, and that did it. Whatever! I am so over that place!

But I know I will never be truly happy until I am setting my own hours and not having to contend with such ridiculous rules. The big thing yesterday and today was changing everyone's email signature to the uniform one for the company. Even when there was weather-related travel delays and calls holding, this email thing was priority! That makes sense to you, doesn't it?

The highlight? We had a food day today. Although I probably ate enough calories for the next 2 days RDA!

Things That Annoyed Me Today

• Seeing a car pulled over by the police in Fairview Heights and knowing it was a black person driving.
• People who can barely speak or understand English - yet work for an American firm - calling to change their travel plans.
• People who cut me off mid-sentence to ask me a question I was in the process of answering if they would have just SHUT UP!
• Knowing that my "6pm coworker" has a very promising interview with AG Edwards tomorrow.
• The urge to eat uncontrollably when I'm at work.
• People who butt into your conversations and say stupid things.
• Having to watch Rosie O'Donnell be her usual boisterous, crass, overtly lesbian, big-mouthed, rude, fat, moronic self on cnn.com, while she was bickering was her co-host.
• Watching Ms. Single Mom kiss the manager's *ss this afternoon!
• The certified letter I received from my slumlords.

Now that I got that off my chest, I feel a little better!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So, today was a day.

Yesterday was a day.

The day before that was a day.

Nothing grand. Nothing disastrous. Just. Days.

Ever had that feeling? Well, I got it now.

It doesn't help that I'm pms-ing. I really hate that too. I don't know when it went wrong, but I believe it was when I got "fixed". That "monthly thing" for me takes about 2 weeks, with all the prefixes and suffixes I have to deal with.

Oh don't worry, I'm done with that subject. Any more will be reserved for my GYN!

My hair is suffering under my stressed mental state. I am going to need to cut about an inch and a half off, or get my hair braided up so you can't tell the difference. Considering the funds are way too limited for the braids I want ($125 and up), there may be some scissors in my near future! That's a big deal, because as a rule, black women's hair doesn't grow as fast as white, asian, or latina women. So, a haircut for us is a big deal! But I am at the point right now where I just want to look good more than anything else. I had some ends to break off and now I have a sheath of what I call "false length" that just needs to be cut.

So, just a whole lotta nothin' going on. More tomorrow...

Church Without Walls

That was my way of saying I didn't go to PTC (my church) today. But, I did at least get to watch two sermons on TV! Yeah, I know it's not the same thing, but it does count!!!

The first I watched was Pastor David Crank of Faith Church St. Louis in Fenton, Missouri. I first learned about this church from my sister, the Officer, she frequently watches it on Sunday mornings. All three of us girls plan to go there one day soon. He is a very regular, everyday straight-talking fellow. He truly seems like he's in it to win souls for the Lord. When was the last time you saw a ministry service on TV where they weren't asking for a donation to receive a tape of that service? Yeah well, this place says for a FREE copy call the toll-free number or visit their website. It truly is a "come as you are" church, without all the "religiosity" that is ruining so many places of worship today.

Then, I watched Joyce Meyer on my computer. If you go to her website, you can pull up at least the last 14 broadcasts to watch on-demand. I have listened to her for over 10 years now. I have always enjoyed listening to her speak. Not because she makes me 'feel good' or says what I want to hear. It's actually the opposite in most cases. She usually says things to call me out on the carpet, as the saying goes, and then tells me what I NEED to hear, according to her real-life experiences and (most importantly) God's Word. A preacher can be dynamic and get you all fired up, but if they are not directing you to the Word of God -book, chapter and verse- to back up what they're saying...you're just listening to someone else's opinion. I really want to go to her Women's Conference in September. Registration starts tomorrow, and this year will feature TD Jakes and CeCe Winans. I'm gonna continue to pray on it.

We had a great day today. The picnic for my "nephew" was in the park, so the kids got to play and run and play and eat and play and... You get the idea. We were there from about 2p to about 7p. We came home and everyone (except Mom) got clean and ate a quick sandwich. Then, it was off to bed. I am not far behind myself!

Back to the work week tomorrow! Yay.

p.s. I'm gonna stop thinking so hard about the sitch with the New Guy. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. I can see a really good future for us. I can totally see us together for the duration. But, that doesn't matter. If God doesn't see it, then it won't happen. So, he and I both need to be working on a relationship (if that's what we have) that is pleasing not primarily to ourselves, but to Him.

See what happens when I clear clutter from my home??? I told you so!

Clearing Out The Clutter

Yes!!! I am working on it, finally!

What? The clutter of course! My house is usually a direct reflection of my state of mind - a "gift" I get from my mother. The worse my depression is or the higher my stress level, the worse my house looks. Guess how mi casa has been looking lately??

Yeah well, that's gonna end! I got a lot done today, just clearing out old papers and general stuff that's been sitting around forever. No really, FOREVER. Who keeps junk mail from December?

(Solo-Mommy raises hand.)

The breakfast bar in the dining room was an atrocity. I didn't even know that much stuff could fit up there! I am hoping to view the surface of my coffee table again soon. Then, perhaps I will tackle the whirlwind that is my room. Actually, it's not that bad, I just need to put away clean clothes and pack away winter clothes.

This feels really good...

p.s. Stay tuned for my Solo-Mommy Fitness Blog, coming soon! Yeah, this weight's gotta go. I actually feel fat now. No, not thick. Not P.H.A.T. Just plain old F-A-T, and that ain't me!!!

p.p.s Went to the drive-in this evening and got to see Spiderman 3 with all the kids, then DJ hung in there with me and watched Ghost Rider. I was so totally NOT disappointed!!!

I'm Still Lost

So, I was able to engage the New Guy in text messages for about 5 minutes today.

Yeah, real big news. We rarely have phone conversations anymore. I still remember we would talk basically everyday, usually by the evening before bed. Now, I may go 3 or more days without talking to him. I am not used to that, and I really don’t like it. But hell, half the time I can’t get him cornered enough to really talk about it!

I am starting to feel a real distance there, I can’t describe it any other way. I just don’t think he’s as interested as he thinks he is. We have a great time together, including when we’re with the kids. But, that is another area of concern. I am very worried about my kids getting too involved and then we don’t go anywhere. It is not my intention for my children to see everyone I date. When we’re together, his actions say one thing (the right thing), but when we’re apart the silence is deafening! I am so lost right now. I was able to get him to talk about the drive-in and his plans for the weekend. Then when I asked ‘In the words of Prince: How Come You Don’t Call Me, Anymore?’, I didn’t hear anything from him anymore.

At times like this, I get the feeling we missed our boat when he backed out the first time…

Today was the day I wanted to quit...

Did I have a bad day at work, you ask? Actually...no, I didn't.

Work was the usual stuff. Not overly busy, not freezing (as it is frequently), noone was crabby. There was one interesting thing I learned, but I'l hold that for a few minutes.

So why was it a bad day? Because I need to be there to pick up my own d-a-m-n kids!!!

Whew! That felt good. Okay, now that I'm calm I'll tell you what happened.

My oldest sister, Leigh, picks up DJ, the Bruzer, and Space Cadet in the evenings. Well, she waited until last night when I picked them up to tell me that she was going on a field trip with her daughter and could Agnes (the one who drops her kids off in the am) pick them up from the after-school program. Well she told this morning that was fine, she could pick them up. I forgot to tell her that Bruzer needed a ride too, from the other side of town at his daycare. So, I called her cell phone and left an urgent message before 3pm. I called her again sometime in the 4 o'clock hour, again on her cell. My sister called me at a little after 5p to ask if Agnes was picking them up, to which I responded yes to older 2 but not Bruzer. She said they may get back early, so she may be able to. Here's where the frustration begins...

Agnes called me at 540P! From. her. home. phone. "You called me earlier?" I called my sister, who was at the mall, right by me! Leigh said if they got done at the mall she would try to get there to pick him up. She called back at 558P, wanting me to call the daycare and let them know she would be a little late. Nevermind! I am off in 2 minutes!!!

I talked the worker at the school who was totally ok with it. Bruzer's so cool, he was helping her clean up. Thank goodness I don't have one of those whiny kids! I felt so bad though, like the worst mommy ever!

I was so frustrated and kinda ticked off, I literally wanted to cry. So, I called and vented to my best friend, then I vented to the Major.

The walls of my world are closing in on me, while I am already drowning in sea of financial burdens. This just wasn't what I needed to deal with. I also know that as anxious as I am to talk to the New Guy about the State of the (alleged) Relationship, my mind is not right.

And about the job? Yeah, the other girl that works 6p with me has been getting off early everyday this week. I finally asked why today. There's a lady in the process of selling her house, and so she wants the morning to clean. So she offered this girl - with a husband - to switch shifts with her INDEFINITELY until her house sells!!!!

I can surely say this, it is no secret to anyone there about my struggles with my schedule as far as someone else picking up my FOUR children. But, I won't be mad, it wasn't for me.

What I will do is add this job information to my resume and get it back into circulation!

To end on a high note: When I picked up the kids, we went to an event where DJ could pick the instrument he wants to play in band next year. He did pretty darn well at the trumpet, so I am well pleased! I plan to pick it up at the shop within the next month. Of course, I'm gonna shop for a used one online!! I am still that girl!

Jet-lagged...without the jet??

That's what I'm feeling. I still haven't quite recovered from this weekend's massive driving. Let's not forget the extreme sleep deprivation on top of that. But it was fun!!

So, what have I been doing since my boss is away? Well actually, the same as any other time. It's just that now when someone complains about crap that goes on the company, he's not all up in your grill trying to defend it. Plus, I've been burning music on my laptop as well. Still been working though, and trying to figure out ways to work better hours.

I am checking our internal postings daily for new positions that are opening up in our location. The postings should be up within the next week. Don't know when the new business will be headed our way, but the company needs to hire 10 agents to fill it. Hiring in new people means the old people will have seniority which means better hours for me if I am selected! Ms. "Single Mom" said she wants to know who the manager is before she would consider it. Whatever, I can get along under basically any manager...as long as they are not micromanaging. Let me do the job I was hired to do...and leave me the heck alone!

Me and the kids were pleasantly suprised to find the New Guy at my house last evening. We took the kids to O'Charleys, which we all enjoyed. I am still wondering where we are! We will have to talk about that. Soon. Patience is wearing thin.

I will keep you updated...

While The Cat's Away...

My boss is out of the office on a cruise with his boyfriend (or "partner") this week!

YAY!!

Okay, I'm fine now.

Mama was a Rolling Stone...

I am back! and -if I may say so- very proud of myself! Why? Because I drove to Holly Springs, MS from St. Louis.
And....I drove from Holly Springs, MS to St. Louis.
And....I drove all points in between.
Grand Total?

980 miles this weekend!

This weekend was my official Summer Road Trip kickoff! My mother kept offering to drive, but I told her I was okay. Truth be told, she was the financial reason I was able to go. As a matter of fact, I wasn't going to go because my funds are so out-of-whack, but she insisted and told me she would take care of it. So, we went and I drove both ways.

Holly Springs is about 40min from Memphis, TN. Me and the kids will be road tripping there this summer. It would be about the same as driving to Chicago (also a road trip destination), which is where my best friend is. Which is also a Road Trip destination - the next one, according to her. Also about the same as a drive to Kansas City, which is on my Road Trip list. Other included places are Indianapolis and Louisville. The criteria is basically somewhere interesting that I can drive to in less than 6 hours. Get up early, hit the road, get there early, and leave later the next day.

The only thing that sucked about going with my sisters is that for the Officer, the world stops on Sunday. She has to be back so she can get ready for the week ahead.

I don't mean to be funny but hey, we're travelling out of town. You 've got 2 kids (well, 3 now including the foster baby), how hard is it to iron something for them when you get home and put them to bed?? But that's just me.

Yes, she is more organized than I am!

Anyway, though we don't talk much I am very proud of my cousin. She is married with 4 children and works full-time. It took her awhile -as it did both of my sisters- but she did it. Ms. Brainiac hasn't done it yet! I had originally wanted to start again in summer this year, but it looks like we are up to fall now.

Didn't get a chance to do much communication this weekend online. I talked to the Commander before I left. We had a good conversation on Friday while I was at home. It was cut short and then I missed his call the next morning, while we were driving to Ole Miss for the graduation. I was able to answer questions that will hopefully get our friendship back on track (the friendship that I screwed up, for the record).

I also got to chat online with the Major. We've been misconnecting by phone lately in the evenings. We did talk for a while yesterday afternoon, when he called to wish me a happy Mother's Day.

I did talk to the New Guy for a few minutes yesterday. He sent me a text to wish me Happy Mother's Day and to tell me to be safe on the road. But by the time I got that message, I was already at my aunt's house and enjoying dessert! So I called him and we talked for about 10 minutes or so.

You know what I miss? I miss talking on the phone with the New Guy.

Sounds weird, doesn't it?

We chat alot online but, if we are supposed to be sorta-like 'courting', it doesn't feel like it most times. Before, when we were seeing each other, we would talk on the phone. He would regularly call me and I would regularly call him. Now, a couple of days can go with no communication. Sometimes a week can go by before I actually talk to him on the phone. I like the phone, it is much more personal.

Honestly, it makes me wonder alot where he and I really are. I know he's still thinking about dealing with my condition long-term, and there's other stuff he's debating as well (such as the total package, including kids, etc). He adores the kids, don't get me wrong. But at this point, I am just feeling lost as to what we are, if we are anything, and where we are going. I know he's busy with everything right now, but it is hard considering how attentive he was "last time". Considering how "last time" ended, I am a little concerned that perhaps he's just not that interested.

I know, I know. Dramatic, but it is a true feeling I have -- that I DON'T like having.

(sigh) The saga continues...

Travelling Woman

So, I was a big girl yesterday. I drove from my hometown to Holly Springs, Mississippi. My mom was in the passenger seat, and I had a van full. So that was cool. We arrived at 430a or somewhere around there. We got up at 7a.

Yes. I said Seven. AM.

No really. I'm okay.

(Nods off)

And.....I'm back!

Then, I am totally happy to find out that my cousins have a wireless network at home so....
Here I am!

Isn't technology beautiful?

When will the End Come?

I know we all do things and make sacrifices for those we care about. I am no exception. I have reason to talk or complain, considering all FOUR of my children are being picked up 4 days a week by both of my sisters. Having said that...

Boy, will I be glad when this morning arrangement is over!!!

When you don't have to be at work until 930a, and your oldest kids don't have to be at school til 830a, do you know how ANNOYING it is to have to be up at 530A!!!??

I do. I am hoping this is the last month, since school is out at the end of May. Now I know how my sisters must feel, cause this has gotten really old. I mean, believe me, I am the biggest advocate of changing my schedule so that I can get back to picking up my own children, thus relieving their burden.

But at least they're not awake against their will.

Okay, I'm done complaining about that.

I got the expected response back from my manager about changing our shifts. Of course, they couldn't do it!

So, I did what I said I was going to do when that happened. I requested to be on the other team. I found out the one lady (with less seniority than me) is working 8a-430p. Yep, I could bump her out of it, no doubt. Don't know if I would though, honestly. Due to the aforementioned situation, I would not be able to help my friend if I worked 8a-430p.

Sounds crazy, I know. I just complained about it, and can't wait for it to be over. But, I would possibly decline an earlier shift just so she wouldn't be left out in the cold. Yep. With the laundry list of selfless things she has done for me, this is the least I could do to help.

So anyway, back to the job, I then made a request to my manager about being moved to that other team. Being the 'sensitive' man that he is, he asked if my hours were the only reason. I replied that was absolutely correct.

You do know what I mean by 'sensitive', don't you? Yep, that's exactly what I mean. There are a LOT of gay men in travel. Let me put it a different way. If I meet a man at work who's an agent and he's not gay, I am surprised.

So, he sent an inquiry to the workforce coordinator, as to if there was an opening on the other team. He also noted that I wanted to change to that team and the only reason was my hours. I pretty much know how that's gonna turn out! Yeah, yeah, sure. I could be pleasantly surprised.

We will see.

Okay, I better get going, they are down there acting like hoodlums this morning. I have to remind them that, though they are dressed and fe d when they get here, my children are not even awake yet. They have been very loud this morning, especially the little boy. He's like the Bruzer, only times 25!

No. Really.

My thoughts about war in Iraq

I pulled up yahoo.com a few moments ago and, after seeing the box office smash of Spiderman 3 ($148 million), I noticed another title. 12 U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq

Here's the article link:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070506/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq

You know what? I skimmed the article, didn't read the whole thing. But this has gotten ridiculous! We have gotten ourselves into a mess. To merely pull out now would show signs of weakness and defeat to the terrorists and insurgents. But, to stay indefinitely would show stupidity to our own U.S. citizens. Or at least that's my opinion. We're fighting for someone else's "freedom" and we are hardly free ourselves.

Sorry, I don't buy the "Fighting the War on Terror" BS line George W. keeps spouting. The woman next to me at work does though, poor thing. She feels that as long as our soldiers are over there being killed and mamed (okay, my words not hers)fighting the terrorists, that she and her daughter will be safe here at home.

Whatever! I keep asking her does she realize that they are already here. Do you?

I say figure out a way to turn the control over to the Iraqi military within the next year through training. In the meantime, stop new deployments and re-deployments to the danger zone. Then, start bringing our people back to their families and their home. But unfortunately, we have gotten ourselves stuck between a rock and a hard place. Let's not forget who our "leader" is.

Can you tell I'm not a fan?

Meanwhile, they're still dying...

Saturday and all is well

I am very excited and I forgot to mention this yesterday!

The Commander talked to me!! Well he emailed me and we chatted later in the evening. I am very excited and happy about that! Perhaps we have a chance after all!

I have been doing hair today. The girls hair, not mine!

What? You forgot who comes first?

I only have to flat-iron Starr's hair, which I'll do in the morning. Yes, I am thinking positively, and being overly ambitious. One day, I'll show you her hair post-wash, post-blowdry, then flat-ironed. Only then will you understand!

We got out the house for a little while today. Mainly went to get something to eat and just get out into the sun for a minute. I stopped at the bread store and bought fruit and cereal bars for breakfast next week.

What? You don't know what the bread store is? It's what Hostess calls a bakery outlet. What it doesn't mean is that they sell bread right at or past its expiration date. Or hard or stale bread. Basically, what it means is that you pay a heck of a lot less for the same bread than someone who buys it at the grocery store. Let's say Wonder at Shop n Save is $2.19. At the bread store, it would be 99 cents. I cannot in good conscience buy bread at the grocery store. I would go without than pay that price!

Okay, enough rambling. Gonna go visit with the Major. Haven't seen him the last couple of times he was in town, not since his birthday. So, we wanted to make a point to be able to chat face-to-face this time.

Thank The Good Lord for Fridays!!!

I'm telling you the truth...if I had to work one more day this week, you would have seen it on the news!!!

It's been a heck of a week. My foot was feeling better by the next day. I have had a similar sensation before, but never that severe. Yeah, I know, I was acting all tough about it. But I was a little scared. Wonder if it has anything to do with my cycle? Maybe I should track that, and see what happens next month. MamaMilton, thanks for the mothering! Sometimes, we just can't help ourselves, can we? :)

What's going on at work? Well, the other team in the office with us will be getting a new schedule come Monday. They had agents working til 7p. Now noone will be working later than 530p. WTH???

You know I'm very pissed, right? I actually had a mini meltdown at work yesterday about it. Noooooo, I wasn't crying! Are you kidding? Never let 'em see you sweat! I was, however, using way more profanity than I am used to (anymore, at least). What did I do about it? I sent the Manager an email today to ask why them and not us, especially since they are loads more busy than we are. He replied that he asked that same question when he found out, and is awaiting an answer. If he gets an answer that I don't like, I'm going to ask to be switched to that team. Nothing would change, except I would be taking different calls and working in a different computer system. I'm giving him a week, tops.

Still haven't sold the van. Put another ad on craigslist today. Dropped the price to $1100. Thinking about doing a weekend sale on ebay motors. Listing on craigslist is free, but ebay is like $40. It's not due up front but still, it's a thought. Here's my craiglist ad, in case you know anyone:
http://stlouis.craigslist.org/car/324195324.html

After tomorrow, rent will be officially late for month #2. Slumlord called today, but I didn't answer. I'm sure he'll call again. I'm going through the house trying to figure out what I can sell...and not totally regret it later. It donned on me earlier this week that I am almost like a homeowner, except for the tax benefits and equity being built in my name. I have been saying, "I can't afford to buy a house right now. If something goes wrong, as tight as my finances are, I wouldn't have the money to fix it. I like leaving that expense up to the landlord to handle."
Well guess what?
Everything that has gone wrong in this house, I HAVE GOTTEN IT FIXED!!! AND...I'm paying a heck of a lot more a month than if I was paying a mortgage. So, I am thinking about significantly downsizing for the next year's lease, so that I can pay bills off and then purchase in 2008. It would suck cramming into a 2 bedroom, but sometimes you have to step back to move forward.

I grow weary, but my faith is still strong. That's what keeps me going every day.

I just realized something. I don't talk about the kids much, do I? Does that make me a bad mom? It probably does, among the many other things I do poorly as a mom so, oh well! Can't win them all huh?

Okay, that was my sarcastic way of joking. There is a piece of news to report on the kid-front:
Bruzer stopped up and overflowed the toilet with toilet tissue at my sister's house this evening! My sis had to fish it out, and she said the wad of tissue was amazingly huge! What's so amazing is that he totally fessed up to it. He is oddly honest, which makes me wonder when that's gonna wear off!

I dislike Corporate America

There...I said it!

Today, I sat at my desk pretty much all day, except at lunch. There is something wrong with my left foot. It is slightly swollen and hurts to the touch. To the touch, and even when I think about touching it, it hurts then too. As I'm sitting here typing, the subcutaneous pain is sliding up my ankle and calf.

Big word...I know. Old habits die hard.

That's what it feels like, though. It's just under my skin. Kind of a pain, more of a burn kind of feeling. I've been limping all day, that's all I know.
Of course I won't be going to the doctor!

So why the title of this blog? Well, today was just a reminder that I need to get the ball rolling so that I can control my own destiny. Some simple little nothing happened today that instantly gave me a headache. Trust me, that doesn't happen often at work. Blood pressure went straight up, but then I had to calm it down. Firstly, I am not fond of my manager. He is so "by the book", unless it's for his friends, that he will let nothing slide. Now, I'm not the kind of person that does many things, if any, that are against the rules but expect someone to overlook it. I am the kind of person that as a single mother, and a good reliable worker, wouldn't mind my manager going the extra mile for me. But, when you don't have kids you can't understand. So today was just an example of what I am tired of.

But, as I told my mother the other night: Don't panic, I'm not in any danger of quitting my job!

What it has made me do, though, is want to focus even harder on finding the right host agency, and getting the word out about my business.

On top of that, things are so tight for me financially right now, I am barely treading water.

Okay, I'm drowning. But I have faith in God, and that is what He wanted. I made that mistake to "forget" about him in the day-to-day, thinking I had it all together myself. I didn't. He waited patiently and knowingly on me to screw it all up. What a surprise, I did!

My prayer for myself now is that I never lose that again. My challenge now is to tend to little so I can be blessed with much. It's not a new challenge, but I am hard-headed, so sometimes it takes God a minute to get through!

Promise to keep you updated...

Sunday's Outing

Okay, so after all the dramatic talk on Saturday, guess who didn't go to church Sunday?

I'll give you another minute...

Wow! You guessed it! Yeah, I didn't go. BUT, I did catch up on a Joyce Meyer audio series about Prayer (which is an area I really need help in).

It does too count!!

I am finishing the other parts tonight as a matter of fact. Then, I go and read all the scripture references she mentioned. I usually read the entire chapter as opposed to just the verse mentioned.

So, my goal was to lounge all day Sunday, but the New Guy had another plan. He called about 1p wanting to take me and the kids to eat and hand out. What was really cute was that he was so "annoyed" that for the second weekend in a row, he didn't see all of "his kids". DJ was with his dad (yeah, I was impressed) and Starr was with my sister Leigh. So, once again, it was just us and the WonderTwins. We had a grand day!

We drove up the Midwest's version of a coast. In other words, we drove up past Alton to Grafton, which are two Illinois towns that run right alongside the Mississippi River. We ate at a fish joint, and it was very good. Yeah, I said a fish joint. Like a taco stand in Cali or a rice house in the St. Louis metro area. It's not a traditional restaurant. It's not a hole-in-the-wall. It's more along the dive line of thinking. You know, not the nicest location but the food is good. There is an enclosed kitchen, and then a covered dining area with wooden picnic benches.

We took the ferry across the river to Missouri, then drove around looking at houses and just chatting. I left home at about 2p and didn't return until about 9p. So much for lounging all day!
But it was worth it.

Hopefully next weekend, we're gonna get the kids together and go to the zoo. I'm starting to relax a little. Still got my guard up, he could change his mind anytime. It would sting a little, but I'd understand. Honestly though, I think everything's gonna be alright.

Just gotta keep working on me...

Renewing of the Mind

I've noticed the last couple of days just how off-balance my life is. I've also noticed it's noone's fault but my own. I have been using my job as a crutch and an excuse for far too long.

I really miss being involved in church activities. I can't necessarily I miss it at my church, but I miss it. I miss choir rehearsal. I miss taking the kids to choir rehearsal. I miss going to bible study.

Moreso, I miss the option of being able to do those things. But, when choir rehearsal starts at 6p, and I get off at 6p. Then, I have to go to my sisters' houses and pick up my children, then drive 20min to the church, choir rehearsal is over. But I know this is temporary, though it has been almost a year. I am trying to hang on though.

I feel so disconnected from God. I know that that really doesn't have anything to do with the extra church activities. That has to do with actually going to church 2 times in the last several months, mainly due to my van. That has to do with not studying, or even reading the Word on my own time. That has to do with doing things that are in complete contradiction to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do (or not do).

Do you know what it's like to feel disconnected from God? Let me tell you, it is not a pleasant feeling. It's like feeling abandoned.....times 700!

So that is my goal, to reconnect with the Father, and to re-align myself with His plan for my life. Everytime I try to run it, I screw it up and end up feeling this way.

Lesson learned.

Why I keep the same friends...

Making new friends is a very difficult thing to do. Which is why I don’t usually do it. There is always something that is never right or never good enough. When mistakes are made, it seems to be the end of the world. Or the end of the friendship.

That pretty much explains why I keep the same old friends. I know them, they know me. We disagree, we agree to disagree, and we forgive and move on. New friends are not like that, perhaps because not enough has been weathered yet to really cement those bonds of friendship. New friends do not choose to see you for the person you truly are, in all your flaws, and still accept you. The newness hasn’t worn off yet and so everything is supposed to be perfect.

Perhaps with certain new friends, things don’t always have to be so difficult. Take the Kween for example. She is a new friend, and there are plenty of things we don’t agree on. But I already know that that’s the way she is and she’s not going to be anyone different. She knows the same about me. Yet, we still maintain that we are friends. Perhaps the key to new friends is to keep them in a certain place until they can move to that next deepest level. That way, if things don’t work out, you are not so emotionally involved.

That’s good advice. The loss of my newest friend the Commander has shown me that that is the case. Once again, for anybody that may be confused, I acknowledge my part of fault in that situation. But I also know I am a forgiving person, sometimes to a fault, and have to remember everyone isn’t like me. Truly, I thought he’d be mad and even hurt for a minute, but then we would continue on. Apparently I was overly positive, yet another fault. The other lesson I learned in all of this was, everyone has a place in your life and you should keep everyone in their correct place.

The Good and the Bad

So, what I thought was the buddings of a great friendship between the Commander and me has now ended. I've tried to communicate with several times now, but get nothing in return. I send him an im, and he won't reply. Send an email, and...nothing. Nothing I can do about that. I can't change anyone's opinion. If that's how he feels, then that's how he feels. I actually thought we would be friends for the long haul, but perhaps it was just a season. I understand he's upset at what happened, and I am truly sorry, but what else can I do?

Yeah, I am kind of bummed about it. He was really cool people. We actually had things in common that I was really happy about. Entrepreneurship and full-time single parenthood were the two big ones. But apparently, that is no more.

Sigh


So, shall we move on then?

Things have been going great with the van. I can't wait to get some extra cash to get an oil change and tune-up. That will make me feel better. I am still in a huge financial bind, which will be partially alleviated when I sell this van -prayerfully- this week. I put an add on Craigslist and got responses back immediately. Hopefully one will pan out.

Fingers crossed.

You wanna know what's the deal with the New Guy? Well, me too to be honest with you. One day I think things are great (that would have been Sunday this time). After I dropped my best friend off at the airport, I stopped by his place since he's 10 minutes away. We took the WonderTwins to a park and let them play while we laughed and flirted and talked. He then followed me home, and we had a pretty good evening. Things were really great as a matter of fact.

Then, almost instantly, I'm back wondering again (Monday night). I know he really likes me, but I am starting to wonder if he is turning my condition into more than it really is as an excuse to back away...again. Subconsciously even, he may not truly know he's doing it. After our Sunday evening, I was actually starting to relax and let myself "go" a little more. Things had been so tense, I felt like I could allow myself the possibility of thinking about falling again. But, by Monday night, I was pushed back into LimboLand.

I don't like it here.

It's creepy.

I wanna go home.

Sigh.

Now I really understand the Anti-Relationship stance of my ex-compadre (since that's what he wants to be). It is EASY. I'm getting to the point that this relationship stuff just takes too much of my energy! I could be devoting that brain power to launching StarrDom! If I'm stressing and worrying and he decides to bail, what do I have to show for it? Another lesson learned? What--ever! I'd rather have a successful company to show instead!

(Yes, I am ranting. Yes, I am frustrated. Problem?)

There is a part of me (a really BIG part) that holds on to the hope of 'happily ever after' for the New Guy and me. We truly do have a real shot at it. But, when two days go by and I don't hear so much as an email or text message, that is NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Sigh...if this doesn't work, I'm done.

The Long Sunday

Well, the good news is I'm still cute! Ha! I still wore my hair down. I'm gonna try to make it a daily habit.

I got up and got the WonderTwins ready for church. After we left church, We went to Grandmother's for a couple of hours. We left there about 3p to head up to my younger sister, Kim's house. She was hosting Leigh's oldest daughter's birthday gathering.
Background sidenote: My mother had three girls. My two older sisters have the same father, and I have a different father. (No matter what the pc term is, we ARE NOT half-sisters) Their father had four other children, three girls and a boy. I consider them my siblings just my sisters because, for the most part, I was raised with them more than the siblings on my dad's side!

Okay, so anyway. I got to stay there for about an hour when my best friend Marie called to tell me she was near us at Target. I didn't get to see her Saturday as originally planned, but I told her I would take her to the airport on Sunday. I picked her up and we went back to Kim's house for about 2 hours and stuffed ourselves with barbecue, then headed to the airport. By now, it's 6p.

Got to the airport by a little after 7p. Then headed over to see The New Guy. He lives about 10 minutes from the airport. We went to a park so the WonderTwins could play. They had a blast. He and I were even flirting and making little innuendos! That was kind of a sign that -maybe- he was coming around to being okay with my condition. It felt really good to talk to him and touch him that way again. We went back to his house for water and potty breaks. Then he got into his truck and we headed to my side of the water. I had to pick up DJ and Space Cadet at Leigh's house, so he was waiting in front of my house when I got there. He stayed until about 3a. It was a really great evening, and a great day overall. I got to spend it with family and friends, what could be better?

Saturday's News

It's been a pretty good day today. Didn't do too much. Got up this morning and went to the grocery store. Got a few things to last me the week. Went to go get a cash advance loan, but God intervened, and said 'No'. So I didn't do that.

I put a for sale sign on my van the other day. I listed it as $2200 obo, but I think I will drop that to $1500 obo. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

These are desperate times.

My best friend is in town, and we were supposed to meet today. Everyone's schedules got so bungled up that it will just be easier to meet tomorrow, and then I'll take her to the airport. I can do that now, with my new van!!!

I got up this morning, and decided I had had enough of wearing my hair pulled back everyday. It wasn't giving me the desired effect I wanted anyway, which was increased length retention and less breakage. It actually broke off a little more. So, I relaxed my hair, then deep conditioned it. I blow dried it with some Garnier Fructis Length & Strength and Kemi Oyl. Then I parted it deep on the side, and flat ironed it straight with a slight bend at the end. My hair has body for days!!! Just the way I like it! I am not one of those typical women who is worried about messing up her hair (especially among my fellow sistas), I love for my hair to move when I move.

My hair is swinging like a 40s Big Band concert!

I put my makeup on just perfect. Not too heavy, mainly looking natural, except for the eyeliner and bronze lip gloss. From the neck up, I felt fierce! I pray this will give me the motivation to get right from the neck down. I wanna go on a fruit fast this week. I would greatly reduce my sodium intake, and I expect to drop a few pounds as well.

I did get to chat with the New Guy a bit today. It seems his schedule is opening up a bit, finally. No, not so much as for me, but he has been so busy this week. I have been a little concerned, mainly die to the lack of sleep and the extremely hectic pace. He's having computer issues so we may chat tomorrow.

I talked to the Major as usual, we really do talk almost everyday. He had to fly to Florida to attend to his rental property there, someone busted a window out. He'll be back in Virginia bright and early tomorrow morning. Everything is going pretty good for him, not perfect, there are always some challenges. But, for the most part, things are good.

I chatted with the Commander by email yesterday at work. I took that as a good sign that he was feeling a little better. But then today, I can't get him. I see him available and I say hi and he totally igs me! I think he just needs some time to adjust to everything he's dealing with, then he will be okay. Perhaps he'll talk to me again in the near future. I hope so, he's a really great guy.

So, today was okay and tomorrow is Sunday. Life is good.

The Truth

The truth is a very hard thing to deal with. It can make you happy, it can make you sad. It can hurt others.

 

I am not happy.

 

I am sad.

 

I have hurt others.

 

I AM SORRY.

 

I hope and pray I can be forgiven.

 

If not, I have to deal with it. It’s my burden to bear.

 

An omitted truth is still a lie.

 

A Prayer for those at Virginia Tech

Father God,

Please comfort those affected by this tragedy. Lord, put your healing arms around every parent, wife, child, sister and brother of those that were taken from this earth. Be their Comforter Heavenly Father, as only You can. Help those that are left to deal with the aftermath of this horrendous event to find Your love and peace, as they heal only with time from the unthinkable pain they suffer. Lord, I pray the souls that were taken from this earth will find their eternal home with You in heaven. May those that don't know You, seek You in this difficult time as they search for purpose and meaning to our existence. May they find Your love and mercy and grace are sufficient to meet all their needs, exceedingly and abundantly. Lord, help to heal this great nation as we all endure this tragedy together, directly or indirectly. For we know that our sisters and brothers in Christ were taken violently, but our trust is in You Father God and You alone. You are all we ever need to get through the bad things, the good things, and just our everyday lives.

In Jesus Holy Name......AMEN.

Drumroll Please!!!

So, I had a HUGE Saturday! But, since you're probably not as excited about my life as I am, I'll give you the Cliff Note Version.

The New Guy came to pick up me and the kids up, to take me to look at vehicles. He showed me where he lived and where his church was. The kids were watching a movie while I was on the lot car shopping. He went and picked up his children, and all of us went to the movies to see "Are We Done Yet?" He dropped his oldest off (his stepson) and then we went to the second car lot to finish up.

Finish up what? Oh I didn't tell you that part? I got my van on Saturday! 2000 Pontiac Montana. White. Seats 8. Automatic sliding passenger door!!! Exactly what I wanted!

So anyway, the kids got along great with each other! They are great kids, lots of personality! I took that as a good sign meeting the kids, but I still have my guard up, just in case. We still haven't talked about it, he's been so busy. So I know it could still go either way. I just don't want to be too vested and then get kicked back.
Yes, it's that big. No, I can't talk about it.

I may not have a decision for a few weeks. I'm okay with that.

I do look forward to a big outing with us and the kids at the zoo. On the flip side, I miss spending quiet time in the evenings with him too. Time will tell...

I Know You're Wondering

What's up with the New Guy? Well, this week has been great. I will admit, I was a little concerned for a minute there, but I can start to breathe again.

We haven't really had a serious discussion about the issue that's casting doubt for him. At least in a few days we haven't. I try not to pressure him, because this could possibly have lifelong consequences. So, we have been talking or chatting each night. We haven't seen each other in a minute, which is okay. We still keep in touch enough that we know we're on each other's minds. That's important for me since I have traditionally been high maintainence in relationships (ie, I like a lotta time). Of course, with the way my life is, I require less time because I have less time to give! Nothing is official yet. He could still pull a trick out on me, but I have faith it will all be okay.

The Major is in town this weekend, working on his renovation project. I just adore my friend, he truly keeps me grounded. It's great being able to share business stuff with him. I like to hear about his day when it comes to the work site and general contractor and all the different sub-contractors, and he enjoys telling me about it. He is very encouraging when it comes to my business goals, and just life changes in general. Who could ask for more in a friend than that? Whoever thought that from match.com, I would have found such a friend!? (now that's a twist!)

Haven't seen the Commander since we hung out, but we usually will email throughout the day and occasionally chat on yahoo in the evenings. He's been busy trying to really crank things out for his businesses, which is awesome and I totally support that effort. Hey, noone could ever accuse me of having the 'crabs-in-a-barrel' mentality! I want to see others look and feel good, and get exactly what they desire out life. And if there's anything I can do to help, I will gladly help.

So, through this dating process over the past few months, I've gotten a couple of very dear friends in the Commander and Major. I have also possibly found and acquired my true match in the New Guy! Not bad for a few months!!!

Happy Friday the 13th

 

So this week has been pretty uneventful. Been severely financially challenged for the past two weeks. But, guess who got her sink fixed???

Yes, the miracle of Easter came upon me! I can run the water in my kitchen sink for as long as I want, without fear of a basin overflowing under the sink!!

 

Of course my landlord didn’t fix it!!! Is this your first day reading my blog???

 

My church member – who fixed things before – just came by with the parts and fixed it. He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me and the children living in those type of conditions anymore. Remember, it’s been since late November! The slumlord/landlord doesn’t even know it was done! He also doesn’t know when he’s going to get his rent either, but that’s cause I was being ornery since he won’t fix anything!

 

I actually went to church on Easter. We made it just in time for the sermon –happens a lot! Hey, I got my praise and worship on the way down there with the CD I burned that morning! I downloaded songs from limewire and made my own praise and worship CD of my favorite songs. Got to go to grandmother’s house afterward and my oldest sister was there as well. It was a good day.

 

Made it through the week with very little but just enough! My account was in the red (hey, it happens sometimes – but the bills were paid) so I was very limited in what I could do. The gas tank was pretty low too. But I made it. Let me tell you how I made it:

 

On Thursday morning after I dropped off the kids, I was trying to decide what to do about my gas tank. I knew the checking was in the red, but savings had about 16 bucks in it. Well, first blessing issue was that my readout showed 0 miles til empty, but I drove at least about 2.5-4 more miles! Then when I got to the gas station, I was hoping I could just use my check card to fill-up my gas tank. No luck. Went to the ATM on the outlot of that gas station, but it was a $20 minimum withdrawal.  You know I tried anyway! Nope, it didn’t work.

           

So, I started praying to God for a different blessing, that I could find a $10 minimum ATM before I ran out of gas! Just up the street was my own bank with an ATM. Get this, when I started the car, my readout said 26 miles til empty!!!!! I made it to the bank, where the ATM allowed me to get 10bucks from my savings account. Then, I made it about a mile down the road the other way to get gas!!!

 

God is good; God is great; Let us thank Him!!! This story from a woman whose favorite scripture is Matthew 6:25-37!

 

I am thinking seriously about this car situation. I went to one place, JD Byrider, and talked to the salesman and finance person already. But the vehicle I thought I liked doesn’t have the automatic passenger sliding door. Shallow? Maybe. But if I’m paying for it, I want it to be what I want it to be! So, under the advice of the New Guy, I will check a couple of other places, like Car Credit City and Lou Fusz. I submitted my online app to CCC, and will call the finance manager at Lou Fusz on my lunch break today. I’ll keep you posted.

HE LIVES!!!

Just some of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by Fred Hammond (He Lives):

Everybody lift your hands if you know that Jesus is worthy
Open up and give Him praise, let's do it in a hurry
If you love Him, let's glorify in the song and in the dance
You know the Savior lives come on and lift up your hands

To understand just why we praise let me tell you how it all went down
The news spread so very fast, people came from miles around
This would be the day Christ would be crucified
He took His last breath, He hung His head and He died

They took my Savior down from off that rugged cross
They laid Him in a tomb, it seemed all hope was truly lost
But the third day came along and brought the rhythm of life
The stone was rolled away, an angel proudly proclaimed

He lives!
He lives!
Christ is risen just like He said
The Lord and Savior's no longer dead
Rejoice and celebrate, He lives, He lives, Jesus, He's alive!

In Defense of Myself

 

Okay, so I’ve been ragged on about this topic more than once now, so I am compelled to write about it.

 

I get the fact that there are a lot of trifling women out there, and there are a lot of men who genuinely want to be involved in their children’s lives. Conversely, there are a lot of good women out there, and there are a lot of trifling men who want to hit and run regardless of the consequences.

 

On some occasions, the good men and good women get together and life is beautiful. Other times, trifling men and trifling women get together, and usually there are restraining orders and DCFS cases involved!

 

But in my opinion, the majority of the time, one good person ends up with one not-so-good person, thus the problems ensue. Usually this means the children more than anyone else will suffer.

 

My first husband is who my oldest child is by. We had a rocky divorce, unfortunately. Hey, what do you expect when your husband walks out on you pregnant for another woman? But, for the sake of the child, we put that behind us, and had an amicable relationship. Before we could get to that point though, I moved from St. Louis to San Diego for about 18 months to make a better life for ma and my child. (I was told I was wrong for that, by the way) He took that opportunity to try to sue me for joint custody. Not so that he could see his son more, but so that he wouldn’t have to pay as much in child support! I made a very generous offer to him to have DJ for 4 months out of the year; even the judge told him he wouldn’t have been that generous. But he rejected it, saying all or nothing. So the judge ruled nothing.

 

One thing I am not is money-hungry. I truly resent ever being categorized as such or placed in the grouping of others who are. While a child support check does help with things like diapers, formula, daycare, clothing, shoes, water, electricity, etc etc, it still doesn’t account for nor exchange the dire necessity of the consistent interaction of the father. I know that from the way I grew up. My mother never denied me access to my father, or him access to me. Heck, he literally lived around the corner from me! But I would still see him every so often, when it was convenient for him. Now, I’m sure there’s some bitter man out there who’s been done wrong by the woman or the courts that can blame that on my mom somehow, but come on!

 

EVERYTHING IS NOT – I REPEAT- NOT THE WOMAN’S FAULT!!!!!!

 

(whew! Okay I’m better now)

 

Back to me and my situation, though. Let’s fast forward to my youngest two children’s father. He dropped off the face of their earth for two years. TWO YEARS!! Mind you, we are talking about children who were less than a year and not quite 2 years old when he dropped off radar. But, because he is their father, I’m supposed to just send my kids off to visit with him the minute he shows back up?? Umm, no…and…not that sorry about it either! I did tell him that he was welcome to come visit them anytime he wanted, could bring his new wife to meet them, and even invited him to the Bruzer’s birthday party. Think he showed up? Called? Mailed a card? Nope.

 

What about that is my fault? And no, he does not pay child support. I would personally prefer NOT to have the government all up in my business like that. But, even with Can’t Get Right, I couldn’t count on him almost ever to drop a little money every now and then, let alone spend time with her. So I unfortunately made the decision to pursue child support. The girl was already 5 years old. She’s 8 now, and still needs him more than ever. But, as well as he and I get along, I can’t get him to understand that his children should always be more important than his job. I try to explain that they need him most when they’re younger, because when they’re older and you’re ready to spend time with them, they have moved on.

 

I want nothing more than for my children to have it better than I did, when it comes to money and romantic as well as parental relationships. So far, it’s not looking so good. But then, I’m sure somehow that’s my fault too! I guess I’m supposed to be the one chasing up after the men all the time to come get their children, right? I’m supposed to be tracking them down to make sure they’re there to make a pickup every other weekend, right? It’s my job to remind them of the responsibility to this child, right?

 

WRONG! I can not change any other human being’s (especially a grown-azz man’s) behavior. I cannot make them do anything they obviously don’t want to do. For the sake of my children, I have tried, I have called to remind them that their kids want nothing more than to spend time with them and to know them and to feel loved by them. But if they are too self-absorbed to take me up on it, there’s nothing I can do but try to make up for their absence.

 

Now, tell me I’m wrong for that!

A Prayer To All

 

God Has Amazing Things in Store for You

Stars do not struggle to shine, rivers do not struggle to flow, and you
will never struggle to excel in life, because you deserve the best.
Hold on to your dream and it shall be well with you... Amen.

The eyes beholding this message shall not behold evil, the hand that
will show this message to others shall not labor in vain, the mouth saying Amen
to this prayer shall laugh forever, remain in God's love.

Your dream will not die, your plans will not fail, your destiny will
not be aborted, and the desire of your heart will be granted in Jesus'
name.


Say a big Amen and if you believe it, tell it to all your friends.

Money will know your name and address before the end of this month. None

 goes to the river early in the morning and brings dirty water. As you are up this morning,

 may your life be clean, calm and clear like the early morning water. May
the grace of the Almighty support, sustain and supply all your needs
according to His riches in glory. Amen. Love the Lord. Have a wonderful
day in Jesus' name.

The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not
protect you. I see something good happening to you, something that you
have been waiting to experience.

 

 

Too Good to be True

Well well well. I am afraid my prince may be turning into a frog. I know that was really dramatic. Are you surprised? Do you know me at all??

I am hoping he would have talked to me today about what's going on. I'm sure he hasn't thought about it enough to have anything to say yet. It would be great if he could get past the initial shock and see that it's not as bad as he is imagining. But to each his own. I would honestly rather know now than later, when I am really emotionally invested.

You know what?
I'm going to bed. It's barely past 1030 pm, and I'm going to bed.

Yes, I am sick!

Guess Who's Sick Again?

My van is apparently not the only thing that's "broke down"! I woke up fine yesterday morning, got everyone ready as usual. Stopped at McDonald's to get some breakfast, complete with orange juice. Got to work in plenty of time to sit and enjoy my breakfast before I had to log into the phones. I took one gulf of the orange juice, and I could feel it instantly! The onset of a cold. Is that not weird?

It was downhil from there. I took some of my special medicine for people with hypertension. I was emailing with the Commander yesterday as usual, and he recommended I take some Nyquil and drink some herbal tea when I got home. I replied by asking if he was trying to kill me!?

FYI: Regular Decongestants and high blood pressure are NOT good bedfellows! About a month after I was diagnosed, I caught a cold. So I took my regular Sudafed to clear up my head. Whoa, Nelly! My heart was pounding and beating a mile a minute! I was dizzy sitting down, and when I tried to stand up I thought I was going fall out! Ms. Nonchalant here actually called the doctor, that's how freaked out I was! The nurse asked if I had taken any meds, and I told her about the pseudophedrine. Her reply was sommething like, "Oh no no honey, you can't take those kinds of things anymore."

I haven't taken any type of cold medicine since!

Then one day while watching TV (who's surprised?), I saw a very informative commercial for Coricidin HBP. I told Officer Jan about, since she has HBP too, and worse than mine. Then, low and behold, about 2 months ago I was waiting on a prescription inside Walgreen's and I saw it! The Walgreen's generic equivalent to Coricidin HBP! Oh yes people, this is nirvana. There are some things I will pay extra for, but medications are not one of them! Read the label sometimes, it has the same dosage amounts as the name brand - and more expensive- ones!

The New Guy is sick too. I think it hit us both at the same time. What's weird is that there hasn't been a lot of lip-locking lately, though we have been very close to each other. Hopefully our closeness will continue after our conversation last night. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

I just hope to feel better very soon. The temperature has nose-dived outside, so I'm also willing to bet there may be some other people in my house sick by the weekend too! Don't be jealous!

Family Time on the Weekend

Last night was my sister' Leigh's birthday party/teacher celebration party.

Teacher celebration party? Yes. My sister's dream was to be a teacher, eventually opening up her own school. She went to school and got her Bachelor's while working full time for the state. Not very much support from her husband during this time either. Ok well, not-very-much as in downright sabotage to be honest! Then it was time, as all teachers-to-be are required, to do her unpaid internship. So she left her full-time job in administration for the Illinois Department of Corrections to do her semester (or two) internship at a school in St. Louis. That went fine, but then it was time to take her teacher certification test. You cannot become a teacher in Illinois or Missouri without taking and passing that state's test. My poor sister just couldn't pass it for some reason. She took the test over 7 times in a matter of a few years. Mind you, it is not that cheap, like $150 per try, but she never gave up. When she was ridiculed by her husband, and the doubt and fear started to creep in her own mind, she never gave up. She took a couple of menial jobs over time, making far less than what she was used to, just to have some income coming into the house. She even watched my kids and our other sister's (Officer Jan) kids for me one summer while the state program I belong to paid her (and I paid a little extra).
Then finally her faith and perserverance paid off! She passed the test!!! Then found out how she could get some kind of something to qualify her in both states! She went to East St. Louis School District 189 and interviewed, but the one didn't go so well. Then - God is awesome- she saw one of our very genuine and completely on fire for God church members who inquired why she was there. She told him, and he told her don't even worry about it, he'd make sure she got the job. He put in a good word, and that was that! So, she's been in the classroom this entire school year as like a co-teacher, but not a teacher's aide. Next year, I believe she is already set to have her own classroom! Yay for her!!! We are so proud of her for never giving up on her dream, when faced with so much opposition!

Our friend/sister Ann and her two kids came. She is doing much better. She is back at work now, and the she told me that her oldest daughter is doing very well in school. That everything that happened didn't really affect her grades. I was pleased to hear that. My mom was there. Ann's oldest sister and a friend of theirs came also. Ann's older sister Jules had already burst the 4-0 bubble in January, then Leigh was next. We had cake and cupcakes from Sam's (great buttercream icing!), Officer Jan barbecued various kinds of meats, I made sides and bought the ice cream. We had a great spread! Later, our younger sister (by their dad, not mine, but we were raised as siblings anyway) and her boyfriend and 3 girls came. So it was a great family affair!

Apparently, I had complained (or so I was told) about the New Guy being too busy for me all of a sudden. Look, I warned him I was high-maintenance when it comes to relationships! Well, he had a minister's training session about an hour and a half away, which he got of at 330p instead of 4p. He called me on the highway and asked if it was okay if he came to my sister's house. He did, I directed him to Officer Jan's house on Main Street in Belleville. He got to meet everyone. I was very happy to have him there, he fits right in. He did miss the "bat-signal" to retreat in the kitchen with the other two men! They told him to keep an eye out next time! I told you there is pretty much all women in my family.

So, things are moving along I suppose. I still feel some apprehension, just because of what happened before. It'll take me some time to get past that, I know, and I've told him so as well. But, I think we have a shot. I can at least say that.