Still Going Up!

Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!

Mom's Out

She went home Saturday evening. They tried to release her at like 9p on Friday night but, her blood pressure was 205/90!! I seriously think that was in the stroke range. Talk about a malpractice suit waiting to happen...

I told her very seriously that the smoking has to stop. It is no longer a matter of it helping her health in the long run. It is now a matter of her consciously killing herself by still lighting up. I told her those exact words, I didn't want to sugar coat it at all. I meant every word too. I do not want to lose my mother anytime soon. And - just as important - I couldn't bear to watch my grandmother outlive another one of her children. She's already done it twice...and she only had four children, for pete's sake! Maybe I should phrase it to mom that way...

In other news, today was Palm Sunday at church. It was a very good and engaging program today, talking about the bridge. The Bridge, of course, being Jesus Christ; since the only way to the Father is through the Son. Pastor also made a point to mention the sacrifice that God made made by allowing His son to die in our place for our sins and transgressions. I mean, who hasn't heard of John 3:16, right? "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son..."
Yeah, that one. But have you ever really thought out the pain that must've caused God to see His son suffer and die...all for the sake of "everyone else"?? Could you do it? Then they played this short movie, and I swear there was a lot of sniffling when it went off. When you read that verse, it's easy to see it from a general and subjective point of view. This video really put it in 'layman's terms', as the saying goes.


MOST The Movie from Dano Magazine on Vimeo.

Happy New Year's Eve

Wow!! Do I need to clear my head up before tonight!!! What a "last night" and morning it has been! I am going to blame part of it on woman's intuition, and the other part on PMS to explain what happens next. Last night I did what I always advise others not to...I went digging. The saying goes: "Seek and ye shall find." I went looking for something on Dante's myspace page. Well between there and looking through his phone (gasp) while he was in the shower...I found it! What did I find you ask? Last night's stuff was purely circumstantial, a picture of him and another woman standing side by side (not even touching). It was the comments under the photo that helped my heart beat abnormally. She responded to someone else's comment about who he was and that's who she's been hiding by saying if they had went to her graduation then they would know who he was. As I said purely circumstantial stuff. But wait! There's more!!

Then today, his phone was left unlocked after he went to the shower and -completely AGAINST my better judgement- I looked through the text messages. Not much, but then I recognized a name as one I saw long ago, when I saw the "Are you okay baby?" text message when he spent the weekend with me and the kids. So I looked at the history of that conversation and was disturbed by the 'good morning pet name' messages I saw. Then it bothered me that, after asking me if I could get groceries for him before he heads back to Memphis and me agreeing, he tells this person when she asked about him needing groceries that his SISTER would be getting them for him on her link card! Yes, you are correct, that is suspect. That's when my pressure rose and I tried to begin calming myself down.

He came in the room and I couldn't even fake it. When he played 20 questions and found out the person I was mad at was him, he automatically knew it had something to do with his phone. I felt like shit for even admitting I had looked through it...because to me that's a huge breach of trust. He said he wasn't angry but I could tell he was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. I sincerely apologized for doing what I did. I told him what I found and asked about it (didn't tell him about the sister comment). He reminded me that I am well aware that he talks to other women and he has not hidden that from me. He reminded me that this vacation he has spent the vast majority of his time here with me, to which I agreed. Basically he turned the tables from me being mad at him to him being mad at me...or at least at the fact that I felt I had to do that. Yes, I know. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Yes, I did let it slide. No, I don't know why.

Why can't I be one of those women that get mad and holler and cuss and fuss? The men seem to looove them, and it seems to work too! But me? No. I'm way too classy for such antics and theatrics! The most you may get out of me is watery eyes and the knowledge that I am pissed off beyond all recognition.

So, I told him that it worries me sometimes. I told him that my biggest fear is that he will come to me one day and tell me 'I care about you, but I found someone else I want to be with...and she can have children.' You know what didn't help that baring-my-soul moment? Him saying that that was his biggest fear also...that he would have to say that to me one day! Wow, yeah..I feel sooooo much better now. Thanks Punkin! ;-) Honesty rocks! (seriously, I wouldn't want it any other way. better honest now than caught in a big ass lying mess later)

I don't know what the hell to do right now. But I know for damn sure that I will not come into the new year in a state of confusion! I am determined! I heard Kanye West's Stronger in the car on the way back from Wallyworld. That's a favorite pump up song of mine! Then when I got back home, I changed my yahoo status message to this:

"Just Love and Let Go. Sometimes it's worth the heartbreak!"

There is nothing else I can do in this situation but continue to trust God over all, and know that He has my best interest at heart...even when noone else does (including myself)!!!

Wanting More

Wanting More. Is that such a bad thing?

I had a debate with Wayne today about that very thing. I believe that as Christians, we shouldn't have to live barely. We should not be happy just scraping by or living paycheck-to-paycheck. But there are so many that misinterpret the Holy Bible into making themselves and others think that it's WRONG to want abundance, financial security, prosperity even.

Guess which side Wayne was on?

But we hashed it out, and came to a mutual understanding. He misunderstood me to say that I was unhappy in my current state, and I wouldn't be truly happy until I had money and things. I misunderstood him to say that God wants us to be in a place of "just barely", so that we would not become worshippers of money.

I quoted Philippians 4:11-12 to him. It's one of my faves: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Pretty awesome stuff huh??

What that scripture says to me is that I am okay whatever the situation. I am still blessed. I am still saved by grace. I am still under God's Mercy. When things are going perfectly, I am happy and blessed. When it seems things are falling apart around me, I am still just as blessed...which makes my spirit happy. However, I can still want for bigger and better things and expect God to give it to me. It's okay to ask for that 3000 plus square foot custom-built home I want...and expect to get it. It's okay to ask for a prosperous business with so many clients that I have to begin outsourcing the overflow to other single mothers who wish to stay at home...and expect that to happen. It's okay to ask for that 2007 or 2008 (possibly FlexFuel) GMC Yukon XL Denali in Black or White...and expect to have it in my possession within 2 years.

And you know what else? Not only is it okay to ask these things - and expect them to happen - God tells us in His word that we can! Remember doing something wrong as a child, and an adult asking you: "Who told you could do that?!" Every now and again, wasn't your answer "[Insert adult name here] told me I could."

Luke 11:9 (my personal scripture - it's my birthdate!): "So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." And further clarification in verse 10: "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Don't get it twisted though, God is not a tooth fairy or a genie granting wishes. There are things that we are required to do as well. Sound tricky? It's not. How's this for a good example:

You tell your child to wash dishes and sweep the floor, that's what she is responsible to do. However, days go by and her chores still are not done. On Friday, she asks to go to the movies with some friends. If you are a good parent who loves your child and believes in teaching responsibility and consequences for actions or inactions, you tell her no right?

Exact same concept! God has set forth "rules" and "provisions" for us to follow as well. And there's more to it than the 10 Commandments! Like believing in your heart that His son came to this earth, suffered and died for our sins, and was risen from the dead by His (our) Father! How about just talking to God? You know, praying about the big and little things in your life? Yes, God is omniscient and omnipresent, but He still wants to hear from YOU! Everyday. ALL DAY. He NEVER tires of hearing from us! (Moms: how many of us can say that every now and again we wish the word Mommy was NEVER INVENTED! lol)

Example again: Aforementioned child has not talked to you in 2 months. Then, outta the blue, she asks you for a new convertible Mustang. Same answer as before I'm guessing?

Not a lot to ask is it? How about that? Well, I don't know about you, but I am definitely standing on the promises of God! I want more than my present circumstances!! BUT, I am content to know that this is where I should be at this moment, and I won't always be here!

A Rough Couple of Days

Not for me personally, but for my bff. The guy she was seeing while on her project in Dallas turned out to be a serpent! She has been torn up for the past 2 days. Just to the point of uncontrollable tears, poor thing. I know that feeling...I have experienced it more than I care to remember.

So, we'll call him Davie (doesn't really matter, cause after this post he won't be mentioned again).
It's a long, complicated story, but the highlights are that they didn't get together the first time she was sent there for business. She was very into someone else at the time, and considering he was in the process of a divorce, she figured he would need time to heal anyway. Well, what he did was he went and got himself a girlfriend. Let him tell it, this girl was totally jealous and controlling. All of a sudden, my bff wasn't "allowed" to just randomly call or text him, cause "she checks my phone". They would see each other hit and miss, amybe once a week.

This went on for months, to the point that we had to come to an agreement about it. I didn't like the thought of my bff settling for being the "other woman" because that's really what she was. No matter how many times he talked about this woman and how she was so horrible, the story stayed the same. You know the line: "Just be patient." Yeah, that one.

Please know, I am the LAST somebody to call her a fool, cause I have been there. I repeat: I have been there! I finally got an understanding of what the draw was to him for her. She saw the sweet vulnerable side a few times, and that's what she was attached to. Though unfortunately the dominating side she experienced most was not so kind, sweet and gentle. He would constantly remind her of this other woman on the one hand, but then turn around and 'baby, baby, baby' on the other! Men can be so messy sometimes!

Well, him being married for 13 years was a big deal to her, and she totally entertained the thought that him and the wife/ex-wife could reconcile at any time. I didn't get that concept because I see divorce as FINAL. Unless God says otherwise, and the people have been transformed by His Holy Spirit. Other than that? No.

Well, guess what he tells her 2 days ago? You guessed it! That he's getting back with his ex-wife! I do not believe it, the story makes no sense...too many holes. But anyway, at first she was fine cause she had expected that as a possibility. Then reality set it, and it has been a struggle ever since. Do you know what it's like to listen to someone you love cry uncontrollably on the phone from hundreds of miles away, and you know you can't get to them? It is a very helpless feeling, let me tell you. But God!!!!

Prayers are answered, let me say. She had a good day yesterday for the most part, then today just spiraled out of control quickly. But God, as usual, just in the nick of time, answered her prayer to take the pain away! She is off that project down there and will be going home from Dallas for good tomorrow!

He answered another of hers too, though it was a more painful answer. Ever since she had been dealing with Davie, she said she had no peace. She was always on eggshells, worried that a text message might make him mad or if she emailed too much or called, whether he would start fussing. She just wanted her peace back. Well, with him out of the picture...that prayer was answered too! Brighter days are ahead! Bigger and better things lie in store. You can't get to something, if you don't go through nothing!!!

Finding My Mind

Interesting title huh?

Usually people talk about how they're losing they're mind. Yes...I am definitely in the "people" category...traditionally that is! But, in my 2008 Skyscraper Year, I have decided to find my mind again!

I have been bombarding myself with positive information and sermons regarding controlling the types of thoughts that I allow in my mind. You see...I have allowed for too long what has gone on in my mind. The enemy -over many, many years and through many different sources- has planted these negative seeds into the very fertile soil of my mind. And what happens to seeds when planted in good soil? That's right, they grow and flourish!
Boy did my mind have the right combination of ingredients for some of the best growing soil ever! If I could patent and mass-produce it, I would be a billionaire! I mean, my mind could take a negative thought like "What decent guy would want a woman with FOUR kids?"...and before you know it, there is an entire vineyard of negative thinking and self-sabotging thoughts where that one seed used to be!

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?? You've done it too, haven't you?? You can admit it, I understand. I've been there. Got the t-shirt, visor, tote bag, and 32-ounce sport bottle as "souvenirs"!

Those "mementos" have been thrown in the trash...figuratively speaking. I am done with a life of negativity. I have to control what my mind thinks and subsequently believes. In case you didn't know, what you believe is the "fruit" or the "tree" (or in my case, "vineyard") of the seeds that have been planted and allowed to grow in your mind. As with all seeds, it is not an overnight process...it takes a little while. But once those roots take hold, watch out! It's like a weed. If you don't get those roots out of there, the plant will just come back!

It is your choice...and it really takes some effort...as to what fruit your mind will bear. Positive or Negative - you be the judge. I will tell you a secret I learned and will be applying to help me with my struggle. If you are having self-deprecating thoughts about yourself and your worth, SPEAK UP! While the negative thoughts are trying to consume your mind, speak a positive affirmation or (better still) a bible verse out loud. You don't have to yell it from the rooftops, but it needs to be audible. What does this do, you ask? It stops the "stinkin thinkin" (as Joyce Meyer calls it) right in it's tracks. Once you have stopped the negative thought, your job is only half done. You have to replace it with a positive one. Otherwise, guess what will happen?
Yep, another negative thought will creep in to take that ones place.

Don't let this happen to you! Anymore!

As a disclaimer, if you catch yourself in the midst of full-on pity party for one, it's okay. Recognize that you are imperfect, that this new way of thinking will take a while, and don't beat yourself up about it. God doesn't berate you or belittle you the way you do yourself, does He? NO!!! So who are you greater than HE to do such awful things to one of His finest creations??

Ponder that for a while...there will be a pop quiz later!

ps. I haven't forgotten about the guys I mentioned the other day...their stories will come over the next few days, I promise!

Happy Wednesday!

It's awesome working this early schedule! Even when I am stuck and have to stay late, it's only like 4P!!!! I am going to hate giving it back!

I am still in such a transitional state right now. I really have to start writing offline to determine what i want to tackle first and in what order. I want to lose weight, at least 30 pounds. I don't like the way I look from the neck down. I don't like the way my clothes fit. I don't like the fact that my GUT sticks out a little farther than my boobs! I want to get my financials in order, stop living paycheck to paycheck. Actually have a savings account with at least 3 figures, on its way to four. Have a retirement account. Have a significant life insurance policy. Eliminate all excess debt. I want to be better at prayer. I want to find a church where I and my kids can grow. I want to live a life as pleasing to God as mortally possible. I want to be responsible for my own income, by starting and successfully operating my own business. I don't want to be merely self-employed, I want to give myself permission to be financially independent!

I had the most awesome thing happen to me yesterday. I am very moved by music, as I've said before. My life is it's own soundtrack. There is a literally a song I know that applies to every aspect of my life. I was listening to Kirk Franklin's Hero CD on my way to Aldi on break from work. Track number 11 is Entitled "BrokenHearted", and is among my favorites on there. Just revelling in the words is so spiritually uplifting for me. I had the radio BLASTING on the way back and I "caught the Holy Ghost" as we say where I come from. I felt so awesome by the time I got back to work! My eyes were red and I was still snifflinf from crying. My body was completely physically spent. Yet at the same time, I was totally renewed and rejuvenated!!!

I tell you the truth: If you don't know already, God is awesome! If you haven't "tried" Him, I guarantee there is NONE BETTER!!! The marvelous thing about God is that even in the low points of life, He can keep your head lifted up! But, He is a gentleman. He will not force His way into your world, He waits patiently for you.

But don't get Him twisted though....He will send you "hints" and "attention-getters" on occasion, and sometimes they're not so nice. But He always know what's best, just trust Him.

We continue tomorrow!