Happy New Year's Eve

Wow!! Do I need to clear my head up before tonight!!! What a "last night" and morning it has been! I am going to blame part of it on woman's intuition, and the other part on PMS to explain what happens next. Last night I did what I always advise others not to...I went digging. The saying goes: "Seek and ye shall find." I went looking for something on Dante's myspace page. Well between there and looking through his phone (gasp) while he was in the shower...I found it! What did I find you ask? Last night's stuff was purely circumstantial, a picture of him and another woman standing side by side (not even touching). It was the comments under the photo that helped my heart beat abnormally. She responded to someone else's comment about who he was and that's who she's been hiding by saying if they had went to her graduation then they would know who he was. As I said purely circumstantial stuff. But wait! There's more!!

Then today, his phone was left unlocked after he went to the shower and -completely AGAINST my better judgement- I looked through the text messages. Not much, but then I recognized a name as one I saw long ago, when I saw the "Are you okay baby?" text message when he spent the weekend with me and the kids. So I looked at the history of that conversation and was disturbed by the 'good morning pet name' messages I saw. Then it bothered me that, after asking me if I could get groceries for him before he heads back to Memphis and me agreeing, he tells this person when she asked about him needing groceries that his SISTER would be getting them for him on her link card! Yes, you are correct, that is suspect. That's when my pressure rose and I tried to begin calming myself down.

He came in the room and I couldn't even fake it. When he played 20 questions and found out the person I was mad at was him, he automatically knew it had something to do with his phone. I felt like shit for even admitting I had looked through it...because to me that's a huge breach of trust. He said he wasn't angry but I could tell he was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. I sincerely apologized for doing what I did. I told him what I found and asked about it (didn't tell him about the sister comment). He reminded me that I am well aware that he talks to other women and he has not hidden that from me. He reminded me that this vacation he has spent the vast majority of his time here with me, to which I agreed. Basically he turned the tables from me being mad at him to him being mad at me...or at least at the fact that I felt I had to do that. Yes, I know. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Yes, I did let it slide. No, I don't know why.

Why can't I be one of those women that get mad and holler and cuss and fuss? The men seem to looove them, and it seems to work too! But me? No. I'm way too classy for such antics and theatrics! The most you may get out of me is watery eyes and the knowledge that I am pissed off beyond all recognition.

So, I told him that it worries me sometimes. I told him that my biggest fear is that he will come to me one day and tell me 'I care about you, but I found someone else I want to be with...and she can have children.' You know what didn't help that baring-my-soul moment? Him saying that that was his biggest fear also...that he would have to say that to me one day! Wow, yeah..I feel sooooo much better now. Thanks Punkin! ;-) Honesty rocks! (seriously, I wouldn't want it any other way. better honest now than caught in a big ass lying mess later)

I don't know what the hell to do right now. But I know for damn sure that I will not come into the new year in a state of confusion! I am determined! I heard Kanye West's Stronger in the car on the way back from Wallyworld. That's a favorite pump up song of mine! Then when I got back home, I changed my yahoo status message to this:

"Just Love and Let Go. Sometimes it's worth the heartbreak!"

There is nothing else I can do in this situation but continue to trust God over all, and know that He has my best interest at heart...even when noone else does (including myself)!!!