The Weekend So Far

Nothing great happened! I was busy Saturday doing the "Solo-Mommy Special". What is that, you ask? Why, trying to make a dollar out of 45 cents, of course!!

I did get a few things done though. Biggest purchase for me was a new vacuum cleaner. I wished I go without longer, but it's been 2 weeks since mine burned out. With 2 shedding long-haired cats and a human who sheds like a cat (me), AND four children....there was just no getting around it anymore! So, I think I got a really great deal for $65. I tried to avoid Wal-Mart, because they are so unscrupulous sometimes...but unfortunately my budget just doesn't allow for Target (yet), and K-Mart is too limited in their selections.

I bought brightly colored paper from Sam's to make flyers with. I should have the flyers designed by the end of today. I researched several places to buy the paper, and Sam's had the best deal by far. I actually left Sam's spending less than $20! That's the power of a shopping list!!! I proceeded to Wal-Mart, where I found a better deal on kitty litter than buying it at PetsMart. I got most things on my list to keep me in sync with SBD, plus the vacuum cleaner. I brought a limited amount of cash with me -and the debit card is off limits- so I had to put a couple of things back at the checkout. No big deal. I will get them when I go out today, since I still have a little more shopping to do.

So, financially, things are still dire (aren't they always). But I have come up with a proposition for my ex-husband that I pray and believe he will accept. I think it's a bang-up deal that's a win-win for both of us! I will discuss it in my legal consultation on Tuesday first, then present it to him.

My sister may barbecue today, and everyone is invited over for that. I have some chicken breasts that I need to unthaw and marinate and hopefully grill there. That way, I can make my own Chipotle-style salad, which serves a dual purpose. First, I can control my budget. Second, I can control the caloric intake, so I know I am keeping in with my plan. My plan being to become more aggressive and strict the next 2 and a half weeks. I have 15 pounds to lose by April 18. I can do it!

After my first goal, I plan to enter Phase 2, and should hopefully get the other 15pounds gone by June. That will take me 155, which I think will be a really good weight for me. Seriously, I don't want to be skinny, I like my curves! I have been clearly warned by my sweetie that losing the ass is NOT an option! It's not quite Beyonce or J-Lo...but since I was slighted on the top end, it's all I've got!!

Healthy is the goal, which means that exercise HAS to begin this week! I researched and bought some really cool DVDs a while back, and I will pull them out and start using them. My sis and I are trying to coordinate schedules to hit the Y. I am glad we are there for each other in this. She may have weight to lose than me, but we are definitely in this together!

Happy Birthday to my Big Sis!!

Happy Birthday Leigh!!!

This is what I told her this morning:

"So if 40 is the new 30, then 41 is the new 31....which makes you the youngest, since I am 34!!"

She acknowledged the VERY far stretch with that one, but accepted it graciously!!

She was feeling pretty good, since she has lost 12 pounds since the beginning of March, so that is her motivation to keep going on SBD. We are each other's motivation on this, and we talk daily to keep up with the highs and lows. It's amazing the difference a support system makes!

Is It Friday Yet?

Seriously, I don't know if I can hang on for two more weeks!! But I really want to lose the weight, so that's my motivation! Focus, woman, focus!!!

All is well in the house at this point, until the next thing happens! I HAVE to figure out where to get more money from. This just is not working. I have to pay my sweetie back soon. I just feel horrible with that hanging over my head! Like dirt, really.

I am making strides though! If I can just get past the day-to-day bills for a sec, I can get the other things done I need. I am starting to market my travel services slowly but surely. Next step: Flyers!!! I hope to have those finished by this weekend!

Tomorrow is Friday...and not a moment too soon! It's pouring down raining here, and all I want is to be tucked into bed with my sick Dante lying with me!

Happy Humpday!!!

Today was a good day...it was kind of long at work, but it was a good day. I made a hotel reservation for one of my coworkers that plans to stay overnight after the dinner dance. We talked about what we might wear. I hope to be wearing something rather nice...that I can fit very well! I really hope my punkin is able to go, otherwise I won't stay overnight. I have that day off, but I'm thinking about changing it to a half day and just leave work that at noon.
Did I tell you he gave me the cutest card when we were in Sikeston? Very cute! It was a singing card, and when you opened it up Sonny and Cher crooned "I Got You Babe"! You talk about grinning from ear to ear!! What a nice thought!

I haven't heard from him since Monday when we talked and chatted briefly. I believe he went out into the field on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as originally thought. Yes, I was freaking out a little at first, but then logic regained control. There is absolutely no way he wouldn't respond to my usual text messages, that's just not who he has been. Period.

I ran into an old friend today on the way back from Chipotle. His name is Doug and we used to hang out when I was in high school. We both worked at Wendy's together. Long story short, he was really liking me but I was all into my high school sweetheart Rickm so noone had a shot! Apparently I broke his heart and there may have been actual tears shed by him, so to his mom I was MUD!! Rightly so, cause I would have had an issue with some little girl who did that to my son too! Anyway, we are older now, kids, marriages, divorces, the works. He is in the process of his divorce now, so life is pretty difficult. I offered my words of encouragement merely because I have been there. I didn't play the little phony line "Don't Worry it get better", while I am looking like I am top of the world...that is a BIG pet peeve of mine! I told him how I know it gets better...and worse...and better - because I have been through it! I really think I was a blessing to him today, and when I got into the car to head back to work I thanked God for that opportunity to help someone else.

I was on a high all day long after that, feeling really great. That is until I got home and realized the water was off and I don't have any money to pay it!

Told ya! Better...then worse...then better...then...

I Survived Food Day!!!

BIG Accomplishment for me people!! We had an "Easter Dinner" themed food day. Brown Sugar and Pineapple glazed Ham, Roast Beef with Gravy, 2 kinds of mashed potatoed, green beans, corn, fruit tray, veggie tray, rolls, salad, sweet potatoes, and desserts to die for! This was rated one of our best food days ever! Mind you, we do this once a month!

What did I have? No Krispy Kreme this morning, I ate my Vegetable Quiche Cups and my turkey bacon. I ate salad, green beans, roast beef (so good), sweet potatoes and raw veggies! Was I so tempted when the desserts came out? Oh boy!!! I ALMOST went for the "Forkful Rule" - just grab a forkful of everything for the taste of it! But my bff snapped me back into reality! I went and got my sugar-free jello cup from the fridge, then had some celery and natural peanut butter! I was very satisfied!

For some reason I am exceptionally sleepy today too, like I was last night. I was so tired last night that I didn't get to blog and tell you that I am on my way with the work at home company! I was worried that I wouldn't pass the background (ie credit) check, but it came back in about 24 hours!! That was yet more confirmation that I am on the right path! Now, I just have to fork over the money to incorporate to www.amerilawyer.com (great rates) for my IL corporation, and I will be good to go! Ready for the next step!

I have even figured out my exit strategy for CWT, if necessary. The main plan is to ferverently request part-time, or if there are home worker positions with better hours available by fall. If no on both of those fronts, and it doesn't look like changes are on the horizon, I will get terminated! That way, I will be able to file IL unemployment...which is not a shabby amount by far. Trust me on this! That gives me 6months of guaranteed income while I am stabilizing my income through my corporation! Don't tell anyone though...this will be our little secret!

SHHHHHH!!!

By the way, down 5 pounds so far!!! I can deal with 20lbs in a month for sure!

Happy Resurrection Day!

He is Lord, He is Lord

Christ is Risen from the grave and He is Lord!

Every knee shall bow, Every tongue confess

That Jesus Christ is Lord!

Time Off

I took Thursday and Friday off from work this past week. I must say, I could truly do that everyday. I know, I know. There are plenty of people who say they would be bored at home all day and blah, blah, blah. But I promise, if I could figure out a way to still pay all my bills and stay home everyday free to come and go as I please? Oh it would be on!! To put it another way: It's Saturday and I am already dreading Monday! That's how much I enjoyed being off!

South Beach is still going very well, no slips at all! The level of temptation is greatly decreased, mainly because I know it's all in my head. Most of my cravings are not physical...they are mental. So, my goal is to get to Phase 3 (before summer hopefully) and then get back to eating stuff I like in moderation. For example, I don't have to have an entire sleeve of Thin Mint cookies, I can eat 2 or 3 and be satisfied! I could have 1 Krispy Kreme doughnut, instead of 3 or 4 throughout the day. I can eat Red Hot Riplets in single servings at a time, not a whole bag! Those are some things I have been trying to monitor for a while now, my portion sizes. That single act, without cutting any foods from my diet, made me maintain my weight for several months. In other words, I wasn't losing any weight...but I wasn't gaining any either. When I get to 165, we'll see how I feel and if I want to go a little lower like 150 maybe. First steps first though.

Turns out my sister was trying to drive to Mississippi to see our cousin this weekend, so she couldn't commit to keeping the kids. I called Mom on Thursday and asked if she would be willing to come up and stay the night and she said agreed. My trip was on! I told Dante and he modified his flight plans. So I started packing and got ready Friday afternoon. Mom called to let me know she was running late and she would get there at 7p instead of 6p. I got on the road right around 7p, and cruised there at about 80mph. I was very careful while driving, and talked to Jerome on my cell (with my earpiece in) most of the drive.

I checked into the hotel about 30-45 minutes before Dante arrived, which was perfect. That gave me enough time to "prepare". I emailed him a couple of pictures earlier for him to choose what I was to wear that evening. Unfortunately, the one we both liked didn't fit as well as I though (too big, believe it or not) so I had to go with my second choice. I thought the whole concept was pretty cute though, kind of building up excitement until we see each other! I didn't look like a Victoria's Secret model in that outfit, cause I don't quite have that body, but hopefully he appreciated the effort! I showered and set up my laptop with speakers and a playlist for the evening. When he came in we had to kiss for a few minutes, just because! He went back to his truck and got his things so he could take a shower....more kisses! After he was nice and clean and dry, he was mine!!!

Put it this way, I should start at the Y next week for sure, because my entire body is sore! Wow!! It is ALWAYS worth the wait with him! Whether it's a few weeks, or a month, or a year...it would ALWAYS be worth the wait. This distance thing is a little difficult for him and for me, especially when all we want to do is cuddle up at night together. But in my opinion, whenever we do get together, it is so worth it.

What I realized also last night - and this morning - is that it's not all just a physical connection. I actually feel the emotions running like a current between us. I don't know how he truly feels about me, if there is love there or just a deep like, and I don't feel it's the right time to ask. Somedays I don't know how I feel about him, mainly because I am still in denial about my true feelings for fear of getting hurt in the end. But, when I feel what I felt on this trip, I know there is something there, just below the surface that neither one of us wants to acknowledge just yet.
If I think too hard, it can easily stress me out, because there's so much that goes along with that. I mean the majority of our interactions have just been the two of us. But, my reality is that there's not just me, there's four children as well. I don't know how he feels about that (mainly because I've a little too afraid to ask) as a long term prospect. Heck, I don't know how he feels about me as a long term prospect! So, I will only think so far about it, then just let it go and relax and enjoy our relationship just as it is.

Eventually the time may come to discuss it, but it's just not here yet, and I don't want to be the one to rush it.

Happy Humpday!

Today was a good day. Boss was still at home sick. *cough* punk ass! *cough*

Still doing well at South Beach, even though two people brought in doughnuts today! One lady's doughnuts, I don't really like that much. But the others were Krispy Kreme!! You know, really though, it wasn't that hard to resist??

I did very good again today. Call it a placebo effect, but I really feel better. Less sluggish even! Had a veggie salad for lunch, cause I forgot my tuna at home. But with my breakfast and then my snacks, I surely wasn't really hungry when lunchtime came. I ate anyway though, and I am glad I did.

I weighed myself last night right after I ate, and was 192. Then this morning when I weighed, I was 188. I will list 190 as my starting weight. I hope I am at most 180 (fingers crossed for 175) by the end of the 2 weeks. If so, then I will probably extend Phase 1 another two weeks, in an effort to get to 170 (fingers crossed for 165) as quickly as possible! Who knows? Sometime soon, I may actually start exercising too!!!

There is a party for my job on the 18th. I am planning on attending with my sweetie. I reserved one of the special-rate hotel rooms today, just in case we do go together. That gives me a month and a half to be down 25-30 pounds, so I can fit into some of the dressees I already own but may have never worn cause I had nowhere to go in them! I am motivated though to reach this goal. Not just because of the party but I am no longer comfortable in this skin. I want to be smaller

Dante and I had a good time talking this evening. About nothing in particular, just being our usual silly selves! We are going to try and meet at the halfway point on Friday night and get a room until Saturday. I hope I can get my sister to watch the kids for me for such a short period of time (ie, overnight instead of all weekend). It would be much needed for both of us.

A Trying Day

Today started out okay. It was raining, but it wasn't that cold so that made it okay.

Then I checked my voicemail.

The usual stuff. The loan place I owe left me a reminder message last week. Then I got the landlord's halfway annoyed voicemail about rent (which I deposited on my lunch into the tenant's account a couple of hours later the same day). That kind of struck me, because I hadn't been such a good paying tenant while I have been here. But I was managing the stress.

By now the calls at work are starting to pile up due to bad thunderstorms in Dallas-Fort Worth, cancelling everything from, to and through there. At one point, there were 22 calls on hold! In the almost 2 years I have been there, that has NEVER happened! That reminded me of the old emergency service center days where, on a bad day, it was normal to see that many calls on hold all day during a weather situation. But not here! To add insult to injury, our manager went home sick because he wasn't feeling good...again. My sentiments for that? Two things.

1. Must be nice to be salary (ie, not subject to our attendance policy).
2. MAN UP!!! The rest of us drag our asses in the sick or not, so we don't get written up. We put in a full 8 hours. I think you can too!

Anywho, the most stressful part of the day came when I received a reply to a text message I sent Joe (ex-husband) about arrears in child support. You see, he had worked at Chrysler since 1995, the year we got married. He took the buyout last month, and has been waiting for his check to clear to pay into the child support system. Well, according to him, they claim he was paid up and is only a little over $100 behind! I haven't received support since the 2nd week in January! I was counting on that money...and soon! So I freaked out and totally went into stress overdrive. I was bawling in the car at lunch, literally driving to nowhere. I almost stopped and bought some food that I didn't need. I was SO CLOSE to just getting me a slice of that stollen that the lady brought to work. Those are the two things I do, when I get upset. Buy something, never more than $20, and eat junk...usually in the form of a baked good.

I was listening to a message from Creflo Dollar on my Walkman (again, one of my better investments in a while!), and most of the things he was saying was directly related to what I was going through right then. That was a reminder that God is still on the throne, He is in control, and He loves ME!!!

I went back to work, made my salad that I brought from home, and dived back into the calls! I changed my mood because I know that what seems dark right now will always get better! ALWAYS!

I talked to the computer people that I bought the new desktop from this morning also. I explained what was happening with it, and he advised he would be shipping me a new hard drive today or tomorrow. When I heard the clicking noise, I knew the hard drive had failed. I would like 2 new peices for my home office, then I swear I won't buy anymore: A flat panel monitor and a true all-in-one color printer/scanner/copier/fax. Wal-Mart had what I want, and i can get a kick-ass rebate on it too, so that's VERY tempting. I could sell the other 2 to make up the cost!

Speaking of selling. i do think I am about to seriously embark on an ebay adventure. I will keep you posted on that as time goes on. It's all about generating multiple streams of income, so I am never stuck when one source fails. That's what has happened with the child support thing, but I must recover and fast. Life still goes on!!!

p.s. Day Two, though a challenge, was a resounding success!!

South Beach Day One!!!

Because I lounged yesterday, and slacked yesterday evening, and slacked this morning...I wasn't quite as prepared as I could have been. But I think I did pretty good today.

I snacked on almonds and trail mix (sunflower kernels, peanuts, soynuts, and very few raisins). I allowed my 75 calories of sweet treats (ie candy) to be 3 Bit O' Honey chews. Totally worth it. I ate a veggie-packed salad from the grocery store salad bar. No peas or carrots though, not allowed. I had a chicken, spinach and asiago cheese sausage link from Sam's for breakfast with coffee (little bit of cream and a Splenda packet). I am deciding on dinner now.

I went to the Farmer's Market store and picked up some veggies. I went to Aldi after that to get a week's worth of meals for the kids. I think I ended up with 2 weeks worth, so SCORE!!!!!

My sweetie made it to Houston safe and sound. He checked in to his hotel and went to sleep. He was up til about 2am, and had to wake up at 5am to get ready to go to the airport. Wait a minute....

....I was up til about 2am also. And I woke up at 5am to make sure he woke up at 5am!! But did I get a nap? Noooooo. Such as life, right? Well, I finally installed my webcam that he bought me so that kind of made us lose track of time. This is my first time having a webcam believe it or not. Everytime someone asked me about one before, I always assumed they were thinking some perverted thoughts, so I blew them off! But, in this long distance relationship we are in, I can see the necessity. Sometimes, I just need to see his animated face. That makes me not miss him as much.

Did you hear the violins just then?

A Mother's Guilt

Anyone who reads this and is a mother truly knows what I am talking about! There is always something to feel guilty about, that you didn't do right or say right. That's me a lot.

As a reminder, I have four children. Two boys ages 10 and 4, and two girls ages 9 and 5. I am a single mother. I have basically always been a single mother. I realized the other day that that's what I wanted to be. Why, you ask? I can remember being 19 and working at the bank in Springfield telling this woman I was 'so ready' to have children....like immediately. She was a white woman, married, in her thirties, and she had one question. "What about a husband? You're not even married!" At that time, because of how I was raised by a single mother (and turned out pretty darned well), a husband was trivial. I knew by looking at my family that a man was not necessary to raise children. So that's what I focused on.

Guess what? I got it!

Took me quite a while to realize I didn't really want it. Now, looking at the only 2-parent household that I am close to (ie, Leigh and my brother-in-law), I could still rationalize that I'm not missing much. Unfortunately, they do not present a united front, and it shows in the girls' behavior, mainly my oldest neice. So, I could falsely rationalize that I am doing better than my sister because at least what I say goes. There is no going to ask the other parent behind my back kind of thing (which makes me see RED by the way). As I say, I am Supreme Ruler of my Solo-Mommy Universe!

I tried really hard for a really long time to correct my status. I made some poor decisions for the sake of trying to create the 'functional family'. Cause you know mine is dysfunctional because there is only one parent....according to society that is! Poor decisions named Roy (for staying as long as I did). Exceptionally poor decision in William (real name) for trying to be someone I wasn't to become what he wanted me to be. My self-worth was still so damaged at that time, I was just happy that he wanted to marry me, even though I had four kids! Thank God I wised up!!!!!

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!

Okay, I'm back.

One of the things that SUCKS about being a solo-mommy, is that everything falls on my shoulders. If I don't pay the light/water/phone bills...they don't get paid and get turned off. It has happened. If I don't go grocery shopping and cook, we don't eat. I don't get a day off. If the kids need to go somewhere, it's me who takes them. If I want to run to the corner store for coffee, or to the bread store, everyone goes with me...or we don't go. Let me tell you something...

THAT HAS GOTTEN VERY OLD!

But, for now this is my fate. Until the time comes when I am supposed to be happily married again to someone who is not only willing to be a strong husband to a very strong yet submissive wife, but a father - not a RULER - to some already great kids. That's right, I said father, not stepdad. I have three children who have fathers that would rather not be bothered. I hate that (more guilt because I picked the losers). One (Can't Get Right) I couldn't force to be right with a 9mm Glock pointed at his head. The other (Roy) I don't even know where he is!

I will continue to handle things as best I can until the time comes for things to be different. I lose my temper and yell and fuss (and sometimes cuss) and say things I regret later. I wish I could buy more or have more time to do more with them. I wish I could be more kind and sweet and smotheringly loving to my kids (like other mothers, hence the guilt). But that is not me. I have to evolve and change how God wants me to, and know that I am doing the best by my children which - as any mother will tell you - is never good enough.

All Is Well Now....I Think!

Apparrently one of my wires was bad from the box to the house, so the guy was here promptly at 8a (weird huh?) to get me repaired. Thank goodness!!! Hopefully I won't have any other issues from now on. I just have to work on getting my desktop repaired.

Didn't I tell you? The computer doesn't recognize the hard drive! I sent an email to the company I bought it from on Sunday. Then the internet went bye-bye on Tuesday so I hadn't gotten anything. Something told me to check my spam folder the other day, and the guy responded on Monday! He gave me a phone number to call, so I will do that today. I am ready to get that desktop up and running completely because I really need to get business rolling. The sense of urgency I have now is truly turning into what Dale Carnegie and Napolean Hill called that 'burning desire'. The "fire" is literally consuming me. I am so ready to run my own show! I am ready to ditch Corporate America. I am ready to get my business degree and start classes again online. All these things require the computer to be working!

Bruzer has a birthday party to go to today. His first! It's a big deal, but I don't know what I am going to do with the other three during that time. The likelihood of me dropping him off there is very slim, but I told him he was going. I told the little boy's mom he was going. We will work it out.

Haven't talked to Dante much this week. Things were so weird from last weekend, I knew I just had to give him space to work through what he needed to work through. But I wanted him to know that I cared as well. Kind of a delicate balance to let him know I was here, but not to push too hard at the same time. I hope I get to see him soon again though. I would have usually had my fix by now! Sometimes I just want to be close to him, it's not always a sexual thing. But just feeling his arms around me or the feel of his body next to mine, that electricity and the chemistry between us.....It really is indescribable.

Enough for now, I am rambling. Lord knows I have way more in my head, but everything is not to be shared in cyberspace, you know?

Saturday 8-Noon

That's when the repair tech is coming to repair my phone and DSL connection.
This has been very, very hard. But I have been managing. I miss downloading Joyce Meyer to my Walkman and watching at work.

Patience is hard as hell!!

Frustration is.....

...typing a whole blog on your beloved Treo only to get a phone call in the midst of it and LOSE IT ALL!!!!!

Connection Failed!!!

So this is day 3 without home internet! This is being sent from my beloved Treo. What happened to the phone/DSL you ask? I wish I knew! Literally one minute I was surfing contently and then it just started dying. The phone went with it...until it was all dead.
I know what you're thinking. "She probably didn't pay her bill." Well I gotcha on that one! It is automatically withdrawn so it's NEVER disconnected!! So there!
I went out to the NID (phone box in laymen's terms) and checked for dial tone yesterday. It's there on both lines. A repair person even called me today (from my home phone while I was at work....creepy a little) to tell me it must be inside. So I need to call and make an appointment for a tech to come out. I am going to check the jack again on my end one more time...then call in the morning if no luck.

I know last post there were some issues with Dante and not showing up. I may explain more later but, he is completely absolved....FOR SUNDAY. Friday I am still not thrilled about but, not much to do about it now. It's done. It won't be a habit. I don't expect it to happen again. Time to move forward. No time for holding grudges over little things, you know???

Today Is a Jon B. Day

That means it’s REAL BAD.

 

Yeah, he never showed up. AGAIN.

 

Nope, he didn’t call or text to let me know he wouldn’t make it. AGAIN.

 

I actually found myself misty-eyed (okay, okay…a tear or two actually fell) last night. True Disappointment.

 

I don’t like feeling disappointed. I have felt it waaaay too much. I didn’t expect this from him.

 

What’s most frustrating to me is the stress I go through just to get down there to Memphis to see him. When I go there, it’s all about him. No side trips, no other visitations to do. I understand, and have always understood, that this is home for him. I cannot have that kind of monopoly on his time. I wouldn’t expect it, nor would I want it because family comes first. But dayum, can a sista get SOME time?!

Selfishness Is...

...sometimes not liking when your sweetie comes home to visit, cause you get pushed way to the back burner due to family obligations.

It's 1030PM...and I am still waiting to see him.

(Sigh)

This has been a frustrating visit for me.



*you saw the post title didn't you?*

No Call...No Show

That's what Mr. Dante did to me Friday night! We were texting each other. I knew where he was. He told me he was on his way. Then that was it...until 3 o'clock the next afternoon!! First problem with that is I have an extremely LOW tolerance for no call, no shows (thanks Can't Get Right). Second problem is that was completely unlike him to do that. This led to the third problem. Since this is not like the person I have come to know and count on to keep his word, I began to get worried. I do not like to worry.

Something happened with his cousin getting arrested for being an ass, and he got stuck in the middle, blah, blah, blah. I really did hear the whole story, I swear. BUT, sometime before 3pm the next afternoon should I have heard from him ya think!? Yeah, me too! He apologized profusely on the phone, and when I saw him later in person. He even shoveled and salted my front steps so noone would fall. Yeah, he gets a couple of points for that. PLUS, a few more for the webcam he brought me!

Since he is leaving on Monday instead of Sunday as usual, he is supposed to spend the night here tonight. He wanted me to play hooky from work on Monday, but I told him I couldn't. I really, really want to. But, not with the type of job I have! I am just off my written warning, and missing a day would cost me that again. I know he understands that completely. These are the times I wish I worked at a grownup job! We'll see what my raise brings later this month...but that's another story.

Hopefully this was a momentary slip. I cannot allow it to become a habit. As I said my tolerance for waiting around for someone who never shows is basically zero. As it should be anyway. It's very inconsiderate to just leave someone hanging like that. I know better from him therefore I expect better from him. I know he won't let me down.

The Party

Now before you get all excited, we are a simple lot with modest finances. There will be no ponies, or moon bouncers, or clowns, or juggling acts at our children's birthday parties. As a matter of fact, there will usually just be family. That's eight built-in kids right there! Every now and again, one of us will have a birthday someplace else. But for the most part, home is better...much better. The kids are never disappointed because they get to play and be around family. Life is good.

We started out the day by doing some running around. Had to go to Sam's and pick out a cake (Bruzer ended up picking out "Cars" cupcakes instead), had to grab some household stuff and groceries at Super-Walmart. Needed to return a 4MB SD card to OfficeMax (my new camera maxes out at a 2GB card). Returned litter box liners to PetCo, and bought a device that should help with shedding. Grabbed some things from the dollar store (namely AJAX powder so hopefully this rock tumbler will go away (day 13 and counting...yes, nonstop))!

Dante stopped by...we will discuss him later. He gave Bruzer 4 $1 bills to match his age. He did the same for Champagne since he was in town the day of her birthday party too! The officer came with her bunch and my mom. Then Leigh came a little later, and my brother-in-law came as well. We watched the last two Matrix movies, ate hot dogs and chips, and just enjoyed each other's company. My oldest neice wasn't there however, she was at home on the couch sleep. She had fallen asleep in the van while we out running around earlier that day too. Like the Officer said, no wonder she can't sleep at night, she sleeps all day instead!!! They even did a sleep study a couple of weeks ago. Here's a thought, make her stay up a few days in a row when she gets home from school. THEN see if she sleeps through the night!

Bruzer got some cool outfits, and especially a pair of Spiderman Pajamas! He also got a Spiderman ball cap and a motorized Spiderman on a motorcycle. I know, I know, Spiderman doesn't do bikes. However, for the kid who loves Spidey and motorcycles? Nirvana!!! He also got a remote control car who, according to the package doubles as a superhero. Interesting, huh?

He enjoyed his party and the pictures and everything. They all slept very well last night!

Happy Birthday Bruzer

At about 630a four years ago, I was pushing out a tiny little 6 pound early baby boy! He wanted to be very early and come at about 35weeks, but the doctors said "No, No, No" and we made him stay in for another week. Where was I? In the hospital on bedrest, of course! Both my boys made me hang in the hospital maternity ward for a week!

The one doctor wanted me to stay in the bed completely, but luckily the other doctor let me get up on a limited basis to shower and do other bathroom things. Whew! But I was constantly hooked up to the fetal monitor, so I definitely didn't have free reign! We had to coordinate my shower time with housekeeping, so they could change my linens while I was in the shower. Why the big deal? My water broke way too early! Once that sac is ruptured, infection can enter into the womb. That's what happened with DJ, which is why they had to induce me at only 30weeks along. With Bruzer, my sac kind of "re-sealed" itself, but they had to give me steroids to make sure his lungs were ready for the world. (yes! that was a 90s music reference, glad you noticed!)

One morning at about 420a, I woke up and called the nurse. I told her something was "not right". The entire time I was in there, they did not do a manual check to find out if I was dilated. This was primarily to keep the risk of infection to a minimum. I convinced this nurse that it was urgent enough that they really needed to check me. Guess who was fully dilated and effaced?!

For those of you that don't know, that means solo-mommy was ready to deliver....STAT!! In case I haven't told you, labor is not necessarily labor for me. There is very little pain in the whole dilation process (which is where most women begin pleading for their epidurals). The only discomfort is the actual delivery (ie, pushing big out of little) of the baby. Notice I said discomfort, not pain. That's all it ever was to me, thanks to the blessings of God.

Anyway, she began calling everybody at that point, because they knew the show was gonna happen quickly. They had to rush too, since they had moved me from the LDR bed (where the bottom half comes off) to a regular bed for more comfort during my stay. They now had to move me back...and fast! Everyone got there, I called my people, and not too much later Bruzer was born. Because of his early (ie preemie) status, he had his own little team of doctors attending to him. But he was fine...more than fine, he was PERFECT!

Now here we are, four years later. So much has changed in my life. So much has changed in theirs. But we are better and much stronger for it. The little 6 pound bundle of joy that was so small my friend didn't even see him laying next to me on the hospital bed? He is now a completely solid 44-45 pounder who can be sweet as sugar one minute and mean as a snake the next! I am blessed every day to know him and love him and call him my SON.

Happy Birthday Bruzer! Mommy loves you!

An Average Week

Nothing really grand or blog worthy has happened this week. Ever had those times?

I have just been mosying along, in my own little word as usual. Going to work and coming home.

Work has been work. I just really try not to let it upset me anymore. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. When I get tired enough of it, I'll leave for something better.

Winter still totally BLOWS! We got more ice the other day, then it snowed all day on top of that. Awesomely enough, the majority of the snow was gone the next day because the sun was shining and it was in the mid-forties.

I am still on the sick end of things, that's for sure. I feel fine, except for the cough and phlegm that's still hanging on. It's not too bad though, it sounds worse than it is.

The girls are adjusting just fine. I think they have their days and nights mixed up though! We can get home in the evening, and you probably won't see either of the girls until about 9p! The kids are pretty much headed to bed by then, and I am winding down too! Then they nutty things like wanna be running through the house playing half the night. DJ has turned into this light sleeper as of late, so Isis actually woke him up one morning at 4am! Of course it was a school day, and oddly enough he couldn't fall back asleep. So now, we make sure the girls are downstairs and we close the door to the upstairs. It works!

Bruzer will be the big 0-4 tomorrow! I am excited. It's not like we have anything grand planned, but my baby is 4 years old! That is both exciting and a blessing all at the same time!!! I am SO grateful to God for my children. I realize they are on loan, and He has reserved the right to call them home at any time. But I sincerely believe and pray that they will be around long into adulthood to enrich this world somehow...even it's just with love!

My sweetie is coming to town tomorrow, which excites me as well. I always love to see him. Just to be close to him is an absolute treat. It's hard to describe, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Out of Remission

I was feeling much better on Friday, then pretty good on Saturday. Today, the bottom fell out again. It was sooo nice outside too, about 74 degrees!! The kids actually went outside to play while I was on the couch. I was just feeling bad, though a different bad than the other day.
I sound like a frog with COPD.
Can't really physically laugh is how bad it is, let alone sing.
Nose is doing double-duty. Part-time stopped up and part-time running!
Then to top it all off, it's trying to settle in my chest!
Can we say Pneumonia, no thank you?!

I have been taking Father John's every 4-5 hours to the point that I think we really are relatives now. I have also been popping 2 Tylenol Extra Strengths to go along with the cough medicine. My cough is horrendous, I can't imagine what I sound like on the phone. My punkin hates to even talk to me when I am sick! I could take it personal, but I know how he feels about being sick. He definitely doesn't like being sick, and I am pretty sure he doesn't like it when I am sick either.

Bruzer is coming down with the cold part of this too, poor thing. He didn't even have much of an appetite for dinner. His nose was running about as much as mine, so I understand how he feels. He eats so good majority of the time, I know when he's not feeling well. I am saying my prayer for a good daycare week (ie, no calls about fever) now........

In Jesus Name, Amen!

Credit Cards, Schmedit Cards

It's amazing when I read the news about people with 4 and 5 figure credit card debts. I don't even have a credit card, haven't had one since I was in my early twenties, and can't get one to save my life! Well, I can, but I refuse to get one with a $250 limit and let them charge me $200 in fees right off the bat! But that's not my problem. I have a problem with another piece of plastic: my check card!

That damn thing gets me in the dog house every time! Something that may have cost $6, now costs $41 because my account bounced and I got hit with a $35 fee! That had to be the best Dairy Queen ever made!!! So as convenient as it is, I am going to have to retire that thing! It has cost me way too much money in the past couple of years, basically as if I was paying those ridiculously high credit card interest rates. Until I can manage better, I am going to have to go to a primarily cash system. I just can't take this anymore. If I am ever going to get ahead - and I will - I have to control how much money I pay out. I make enough to sustain my modest lifestyle, but all the extra fees and late fees and crap is what kicks my ass every time!

The Girls are Here!

They arrived safe and sound here at their new home. But of course we made a few stops first. They had to meet the family! We first stopped at Grandmother's, which they really need that break because they were meowing the entire ride from St. Charles. I left them in their carrier and tried to offer water, but they both turned it down. We stayed there a little while with Grandmother, then headed to the Officer's house. That's where Mom was.

My niece ran out so that she could see them. She knows her mother is nothing of a pet person beyond fish, so she definitely needs to live through other people! It had been a while since they had eaten, so I didn't want to take them in house and stay too long. Mom came outside and welcomed her new "granddaughters" to the family. They just stared, which beat the incessant meowing they were doing before.

We got them home and put food and bottled water in their bowls. Yes, bottled....I hear it's so much better for them sincec they are prone to such urinary tract issues. I opened the door to the pet carrier and after about a minute Isis came out and started sniffing around the kitchen and hallway. After about 15-20minutes I had to drag Eclipse out, just so she could eat something. After a little sniffing around the kitchen and hallway some more, they settled on the oddest place to huddle: the bathroom behind the toilet!

I was cooking dinner and watching the movie 'No Reservations' (very cute by the way). So after we ate and that went off, I couldn't take it anymore and took them out of the bathroom and closed the door! I hadn't even cleaned behind the toilet yet and I do have a 3 year old whose aim is still a little off sometimes! They found spots in the hallway to perch/hide. I told them goodnight later, then headed to bed.

I am still sick with coughing phlegm and runny/stopped up nose, so I was up and down all night. I usually sleep with my door closed, but I left it crack because I knew they'd be roaming eventually. I felt someone walk across the bed once of twice. I even looked at the door and saw Isis once, but as soon as I spoke to her she left. So, when I got up this morning I was determined to find them, because I wasn't able to do so last night. I know they didn't go upstairs because I looked last night. I knew they could only be somewhere in my room, since the door to the living room was closed and I had looked everywhere else downstairs. I got the flashlight and looked under my bed. Lo and behold! There they were at the very end!

It's an adjustment period for them, so it will take a while for them to get used to us and the house. But I think they will be happy here as well, knowing they don't always have to watch out for Merlin (the dog). Merlin wasn't mean to them or anything, they just didn't like him! I am glad this happened for them and for us.

Guess Who's Been Sick....Again!!!???

Yep me! I am finally feeling better. Not nearly 100%, but better. I started getting this wicked cough on Wednesday. By Thursday morning, I was hurting. My. Whole. Body. Hurt to the touch! I was walking like I was 90 with a broken hip! But, because I had just gotten off my written warning at work again (was back on when I missed 2 days for the love note from daycare), I stuck it out.

When I got to daycare to pick up the WonderTwins, Bruzer asked me was I sick. I told him I wasn't feeling good and I needed them to be good listeners when we got home so Mommy could lay down. So, when DJ and Starr got in the car, he was the first to say to them that Mommy was sick so we had to be good listeners at home! When we got there, I put out four bowls and four spoons on the table (I always set their places) and 3 different types of cereal. I called them down and told them to go for it! Then I went and passed out!

They are so awesome, cause they still took showers like they were supposed to. DJ even made sure he got Bruzer's clothes ready and ironed for the next day! No arguments or fighting, it was great! I will have to reward them sometime this weekend for such great behavior when I really needed them!

I am going to soak in a tub of Epsom Salted water now. But not before I take my Father John's and Tylenol Extra Strength (generic of course) tablets first!

My girls are coming home today!!! I am so excited!!!

Soon-to-be Pet Owner

I am very excited about this new title! From someone who always had pets around growing up, and who truly LOVEs animals to this day...this is big news! This is a big commitment, but I am so up for it!

I drove out to St. Charles/St. Peters tonight to see "the girls". You know, the 2 cats I told you about the other day? Well, I was totally awed by them when I got there! There are so beautiful and they truly are sweet. The family was very nice and helpful in giving glimpses into their personalities, which are distinctly different from each other. The kids were definitely taken to them as well. Bruzer was really stalking Eclipse, she was the darker and smaller of the two. She was the runt of the litter, which we are partial to in my family! Isis was a bit more aloof (like Cheyenne) so it took her awhile to warm up. She also has another quality that helped her earn her name, her very royal air about her! By the end of the visit, she and Champagne had paired up quite nicely. Kindred spirits and all that.

I told them I would pick them up on Saturday morning. I didn't want to pick them up this evening, knowing we would get home in enough time to head to bed, then up and leave them home alone all the next day. Plus, I wanted the family to be able to say goodbye. After all, they have had them since they were kittens, 7 years ago. So that's only right.

Now, the neighborhood and the house they live in? Wow! That's what I am talking about! Theirs wasn't the most spacious on the block, but it was nice, and you could tell it had a lot of yard too! Gives me something to aspire to, that's for sure!

I am headed to bed early tonight. I am in the living room and the noise from this Smithsonian Rock Tumbler that DJ wanted (and got) for Christmas is driving me batty! This is the 2nd cycle. The first cycle was 2 days...and I didn't think I would survive. Imagine my shock and horror when I was told (and subsuquently verified myself) that the 2nd cycle would take 10-14 days!!!!! If there's anyone who thinks I am a little too self-centered to be a mom....here's your proof that it's really all about them! I don't know many who would let this go in their house for too long! But I know he is excited about it, and he is surely keeping up with it and cleaning up after himself too! That's enough to make me help when needed, and not fuss when the noise is making my ears bleed! It's not a real bad noise, just loud enough to be annoying!

I can't wait to get the girls here and settled! I will probably be a Petco a lot the rest of this week getting ready for their arrival! Gotta get kitty litter, their food, and kitty pan liners. Plus I need a really good brush for them to get that fur under control. I will most definitely post pictures once we're settled! That's right, I do have a digital camera again!

Go Mama, It's Your Birthday!

Happy 58th Birthday Mama!!!!!!!

We are not the type of people that are ashamed or lie about how old we are! Every year is an accomplishment! Remember that!

And Then It Snowed!

Did I not just say yesterday that I was done with winter? So why oh why did I wake up to snow this morning??!! Yes! Snow! Maybe 2 inches fell overnight! By midday though, the temperature had risen enough that most of it melted. Thank goodness! Unfortunately, the devil's plan worked and I didn't go to church as I had planned yesterday. BUT, I watched both Joyce Meyer and Pastor David Crank this morning....and those messages were definitely two I needed to hear!

Joyce spoke about the power of words. It's like step two of what I have been getting accomplished this year. Step one was controlling and changing my thoughts. I must say, I have been doing very good at that one. I am not as negative or depressed, and I make a very conscious effort to be that way. I feel better for it too. So step two is the words I speak. That's what I learned today from Joyce. Pastor Crank was talking about actively seeking God. I don't do enough of that, and haven't for a while. I don't talk to God like I should, cause prayer just intimidates me completely. I am a work in progress however, and I have the desire to be better. That desire will make it happen.

I talked to the guy today that currently owns the 2 kitties I want. I also double-checked with my landlord and he said cats were fine. The kids and I are going Tuesday to go look at them. I can't imagine being more smitten with them in person than I was the first time I saw their picture. I am very excited. I will probably tell the kids tomorrow evening what's happening on Tuesday. I have really been thinking about this, it's not something I take lightly. This is literally a 'til death do us part' kind of thing for me. It's weird to think that I am 34, and these will be my first pets as an adult. Someone as much of an animal lover as I am! But, perhaps this is part of my newfound mindset too. I wasn't really mentally at a place to commit to anything else before.

Changing my thought patterns has been one of the smartest things I have done lately!! I sincerely believe this will truly help me get my skyscraper built!

I Am SO OVER Winter!!

School was cancelled for my older 2 children on Thursday, with the WonderTwins' daycare closing at 3p. Then, on Friday everyone's school was cancelled! Good thing Leigh is a teacher!
You know I don't have the kind of job that allows me to take of for something like that. Though one person did call in on Friday because their childrens' daycare was closed...and mind you this was not a single parent!

So why were all the schools closed you ask? More of that glorious midwest weather, of course! On Thursday, it basically iced and sleeted all day. Before the morning commute, during the workday, and on the way home too! Then again overnight! Then that same storm started moving east so, by Friday, work was a nightmare due to all the flight cancellations in the major East Coast airports (ie, New York and Boston). We made it though!

This week was really rather quiet I would say. Nothing major on any fronts to report. I am seriously considering getting a pair of cats. They are sisters (I am partial to siblings, ie Cheyenne and Cherokee). They are medium-haired, tortoise-colored girls with some of the cutest kitty faces! Yes, I really do see facial features! Because they are so big and jet black, most people have trouble telling Cheyenne and Cherokee apart. (In case I never said it, Cheyenne and Cherokee are brother and sister kitties that my mom and I picked out as kittens back when we lived in Springfield (circa 1993). They are still alive and well living with mom. They are so gorgeous, and they usually scare the crap out of people because they are SO big...not fat, BIG!) I have been looking at many pictures of cats recently, and when I saw these girls my heart melted! It is a big commitment though. But I will check with my landlords tomorrow to see if they mind. They had both a cat and a dog when they lived here, but we'll see how that goes. It is a big, lifelong commitment, and I just want to make sure I am up for it since I will be doing all the work. I just always wanted my kids to grow up with pets like I did.

Speaking of, kids are doing good. Starr has been very diligently presenting her homework daily now. Her teacher - in dire frustration - let me know she would start reducing Starr's academic grades due to her constantly turning in late homework (if at all). I threatened her at the beginning of the year after the parent-teacher conference that if she brought home any Bs due to not turning in homework, she would literally have hell to pay for it! But, slacker mom hasn't been enforcing it. I've been trying to lighten up on them, since I am usually so harsh. Yeah well, back to Plan A. I notified Starr that the threat was a promise, and it was being strictly enforced - zero tolerance. I advised her everytime she doesn't turn in homework, she'll be writing lines (minimum 100), PLUS no toys, TV, or playtime.

Like I said...She's been doing great with homework thusfar!

I have also had to become more of my 'Mean Mommy' alter-ego to get Bruzer back in line. It's a work in progress, but trust me...I will prevail! As I told all four of them, I have been yelling and screaming and fussing and carrying on for far too long now. All I have gotten out of it is hoarse so many times that my vocal chords ain't what they used to be! Yet, I still sound like a broken record, because I am saying the same things over and over again. No Mas, mi bambinos! The new rule is I will say it once, then the belt will continue the conversation...Period.

Oh yes! In case you ever doubted, I firmly believe in kicking my child's butt when necessary! Parenthood is NOT for punks! It's a simple equation: You run them...or they run you! Look around the grocery store or Wal-Mart or Target, you'll see what I mean. Next time you go out to eat, check out the kids in the restaurant. You can pretty much always tell who believes in corporal punishment and who wants to reason with a two-year-old!! When you see an 8 or 9 year old kid throwing a tantrum in a public place, you can bet your candy ass (The Rock!) there's a "Time Out" or "Wait Til Your Father Gets Home" parent nearby! Screw the "experts" and the parenting books that try to get you to be your child's "friend"! Bull!!! Teach them consequences at an early age, make the punishment fit the crime, and (most importantly) make sure they are scared as all get-out of YOU!!! Give them the fear of God, and the fear of you too!

You doubt my wisdom?? There were MANY things I could have done but didn't do growing up for one simple reason: I was afraid of what my mother would do if she found out! Pretty much everyone I talk to in my age group or older can say the same thing. And if I may speak for the masses of us GENERALLY of course...We didn't turn out so bad did we?

The Weekend in Review

I'm sleepy, so we'll try to keep this short.

I didn't get to see much of Dante the first part of the weekend. He came over for a little while on Saturday afternoon. I had my babysitter on standby, cause I thought we were gonna do dinner and a movie. But that didn't pan out this trip. He ended up spending the vast majority of the time with his family, which was great. I mean yeah, there was a little piece of me that was trying to be a brat. But the popular opinion squashed that like a bug!!! I mean heck, I just saw him like 2 weeks ago, and it's been since Christmas when they saw him! And from what he tells me, they had really great family time. I mean classic, memory-making kind of family time! That is just so great to hear. It sounds like he's got a great family, not anymore perfect or flawed than the rest of ours, definitely "good people".

So, to be incredibly polite yet tell the story, I have to say that time of the month rolled around. We had an incredibly awkward and embarrassing event during his visit on Saturday that confirmed it had occurred. (yes, that) I knew he was planning to leave on Sunday, but after it got toward the evening, I knew he wasn't leaving that night. I was off on Monday, so I knew he would come by before he left...like he always does. If he comes home, and I don't see him that whole visit, I can count on seeing him as he's headed out of town! Good enough for me! Anyway, because of my cycle, I just assumed there was no way I'd see him that evening. My bff even said "Maybe he'll come over and spend the night tonight." To which I huffed and replied "yeah right, and I'm on! I don't see that happening!"

Oh me of little faith! We sent each other text messages a few times that evening. Then later he asked me was I sleep. My reply, priceless as usual. "No, R U?" So he told me he was on his way cause he needed to hold me next to him! Major points for that one! I told you, I'm a simple girl. We stayed up for a while, and he played with his new toy he got for Valentine's Day. What's that you ask? (Get your mind out of the gutter!) His Garmin C330 of course! I gave it to him on Saturday. He was very shocked and pleased, cause it was not only something he wanted but something he needed. (We had a monetary discussion the other day about the event from November, since I insisted on returning that. This does not count towards what I owe him, it's just stuff I want to do for him. Everything is at a balance point now, so I should be able to start repaying very very soon) He is one of very few in a long time that I just wanted to do things and spoil just because I feel he deserves it, and because I truly want to see him happy.

So, after he got it loaded up on his laptop, he hit the shower and we headed for bed. I was wrapped around him all night! I was very happy he was there. I missed being close to him for one. And for two, he really did make good on his word that it's not just physical! He could have just come over for a while on Monday and hung out before he hit the road. But what he did shows that he cares more than just about a good lay, we have at least a little something more.

That "little something more" is working just fine for me!

My Valentine Surprise!

Today was a welcome surprise! I knew Dante was on the road today, driving back from NC to Memphis. So we talked a few times back and forth. The boys kept him out all last night, since he wouldn't be back that way for a long time - or ever. So, he wasn't feeling too great that morning.
Thank goodness he wasn't in a rush, so he took something for his headache (read:hangover), and kind of relaxed for a bit before hitting the road.

He sends me a text message later that said: "I got tickets. You get the movie, cool?"

All I saw was the I got tickets, and assumed he got a speeding ticket. I mean, he was driving!

Well, what he was actually trying to say was he was coming home instead of going to Memphis! I was so excited, I got all hot and flustered. I actually broke out into a sweat! I had to go outside into the 30 degree weather the cool off!! So we planned to go to Lotta Watta Creek. He said he has heard about it but never tried it. So that was that. He told me he was going to just surprise me and show up in town, but he knew I needed a little advance notice for babysitting purposes. Very considerate, I know, isn't he???

So, I tried working some more and it was just about time to leave. He sent me a message asking if I was still working. I told him I was but I was off the phones for the day doing followup work, and he could call if he wanted to. To which he replied: "Gimme 10 minutes."

A few minutes later, a lady from across the hall comes in asking for me. I look up to see am exquisite bud vase with a 3-rose arrangement in it! She said a man asked her to give them to me outside. At first I thought it may have been him, but the timeline wasn't matching. It was a really nice card that said, 'I always like to surprise you with something on your special day.' Remember the card he dropped off at my job, even though he had just seen me 5 minutes before at the show??

He called and could just hear the ear-to-ear grin in my voice! I was grinning and blushing and just all warm and fuzzy inside! What a sweet thing to do. And he was well-pleased at my reaction, too! At one point he told me to "stop cheesing" to which I replied "I will not under any circumstances!" Then I heard the grin in his voice!

Since I am off work on Monday, I took them home with me. I even cleaned off my kitchen table to proudly display what my sweetie did!! No, it wasn't a dozen, but I am truly a "it's the thought that counts" girl. He didn't have to do anything! He hasn't had the best week, and he was hundreds upon hundreds of miles away. He could have just said Happy Valentine's Day and that was that. It's the "above and beyond" that I appreciate. I am truly grateful, and my V-Day was AWESOME!!

Happy Valentine's Day

The good news: I actually have a valentine this year.

The bad news: He's in North Carolina! (Hey, he lives in Memphis. So it's not like I would have seen him anyway!)

We did talk to each other a few times today, and I sent him an e-card this evening. He should be headed back to Memphis tomorrow though.

Not much else to report, it's a day, you know?

This kids brought home loads of candy and crap. I just see all those pieces of paper that I have to contend with. Yeah, yeah...valentines. Whatever! It will be gone by the weekend. This place looks like it was hit by an F3 tornado, I'm trying to take away stuff not add to it!

That is my plan for the weekend. I want to get more boxes cleared away. It's sad to admit, I still have boxes untouched from when I moved here late June! I am trying to get back to the point where I keep a better house like I used to. But it's hard sometimes when it's just you and you have the weight of your world on your shoulders. I won't give up though, because I have the worst case scenario example in my mother's house and it ain't pretty! I pray she gets out of it...and I REFUSE to allow myself to get that bad!

Valentine's Eve

I am sad cause I miss my sweetie, but I actually enjoyed helping my kids with their school valentines! Who knew??

My sister (the Officer) went to the dollar store and got candy for the kids to take to school. I was gonna be a total slacker mom, yes I was. But at least they had their valentine cards!!

So, DJ and Starr worked on theirs while I cooked Hamburger Helper for dinner, and did some laundry, and prepared the bulk meat packages for the freezer. After dinner, Bruzer and I worked on his. I did the writing, and he was the "sticker guy". Then Champagne and I did hers. She wrote he name all by herself, and did a pretty good job! I told her I was very proud of her.

I was convicted today by some things Joyce Meyer said in a podcast I downloaded to my Walkman mp3 player. She said when her kids were growing up, she was always nagging about something, it was never quite right. If something was out of place, she had to say something about it. And to this day, she wishes she knew then what she knows now, because she would have merely enjoyed them growing up more....and nagged less! That is me. I don't nitpick and fuss about every little thing, but I really do enough of it to make it seem like it! So, as GI Joe (the cartoon) says: "Knowing is half the battle!"

Other than that, it has been an uneventful evening. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and my sweetie is on the other side of the country, in another time zone, hundreds of miles away. He is also going through some turmoil of the heart right now, of which I totally understand, and it just makes me want to be with him even more. We are friends first, and right now he needs one that totally gets what he's going through. But, I have confidence in him, he will be okay. He just needs to "balance out" (remember, I explained that before).

Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers, the friends, and the hopeless/hopefull romantics in cyberland!

Winter is STILL Here

Wow, what a day!!!

Had a car accident today. Could've been really bad, but God was truly protecting me and my van. It was sleeting today off and on, but it wasn't a wet and rainy kind of sleet like we are used to. It was more dry and snow like, literally blowing around on the road. I had to go to the bank to get money for my mom (making good on my part of the deal with her buying my van). On the way back, all was well. I wasn't speeding. I was driving normally and pretty defensively I thought. I was on the phone with my sweetie since he was driving to NC from Memphis.

No, I wasn't distracted. No, I wasn't dialing numbers ot texting, or anything like that. Yes, BOTH hands were on the wheel, my phone was resting between my head and my shoulder.

All of a sudden, the car began swerving as I was going up the exit ramp. I began braking slowly and trying to steer out of the fishtail that was starting to occur. But, I had no traction, everything I did was futile. I honestly can't imagine what was going through his mind as he had to listen to me screaming at the top of my lungs while I was spinning!

That's right, I said spinning! As in 360 degrees, this-is-not-the-magic-saucer-ride-at-Disney spinning! I think I did two before I finally left the road and was heading into the grassy embankment area. Part of that is really steep, so with the type of momentum my van was in I could have easily rolled over down that embankment! It was all grass, no concrete or anything like that. (trying not to be TOO dramatic....for once) I did stop not too far off the road. All I could think about was getting out of there. Once the car stopped and I was completely ok, I wanted my van to be okay, I was ready to get back to work. But, I was stuck...for a couple of minutes at most. I got out and looked at my van, all was well except for the license plate in the front was bent!

I alternated between drive and park, until I felt her gaining traction. Then we slowly creeped back up to the road. Just then, I saw another truck swerve totally off into the embankment on the other side! Something inside of me told me not to leave them, and I listened. So I got my van safely onto the actual road and pulled over to the right side well out of traffic's way. I made sure no cars were coming (and therefore swerving) before I got out to walk towards the SUV.

"We interrupt this blog to bring you the tragic story of a good samaritan struck and killed by an out of control vehicle on the icy roads today. The single mother of 4 young children had stopped to help another traveler who lost control of their vehicle just moments before."

NOT TRYING TO BE ON THE NEWS THAT WAY!!

Back to the story, and making it shorter, the other person turned out to be a coworker at my job! What were the odds of that really?? We in different departments, so we rarely see each other or really know each other. I didn't even know her name! We couldn't get her unstuck, so I called my manager to let him know what happened, and he walked over to her manager to go out and help her! Then I called my sweetie back to let him know all was well and I talked to him all the way til I got to my desk. He was definitely worried, and I know that was a very helpless feeling. I sent him a text later that said: "And here I was worrying about YOU driving!!"

How about that for a happy ending?? Oh, but one more thing:

Thank You Lord for Protecting me yet again! You are the One who will never fail me, nor disappoint me! If You bring tears to my eyes, they are surely for joy (as they were today)! I am unworthy but eternally grateful, and I thank You daily for Your mercy and grace!! Because of You Lord....I am still here!

Quote of the Day

“I’d rather hope for a lot and get half, rather than hope for a little and get all of it!!”

Joyce Meyer

The Weekend in Review

Whew! Wow, it's amazing how quickly money can go!

I got my tax retrn deposited on Friday (Thank You Father!!!) I missed Thursday and Friday from work due to the 'love note' I received from daycare on Wednesday. I told them one of the kids was sick. I didn't really have a choice, you know? At least this way, I can be sure I can log sick time and get paid for it! Again...Welcome to Solo-Mommy's World! I do what I have to!

I was all freaking out this weekend, worried about Dante. The last time I talked to him, he was gonna call me back once he got home, and then I didn't hear from him until Sunday night. I knew he had to work, and I knew he was to be driving to NC for work next week. I sent him a Good Morning text Saturday morning and got no response - which is unusual. So later in the afternoon/evening, I called and left a voicemail since no answer. Nada - again, unusual. Called Sunday afternoon to say I was just checking on him, and by that time I had given up. I knew him well enough to know he would call, though not as soon as I wanted him to of course. So my mind was wandering all sorts of places. I actually woke up Sunday from a bad dream of my mom having driven all the way up here to tell me in person that she saw the news saying he had been killed in a car accident! (Remember, I knew he was to be driving to NC soon?) So, I prayed against such horrible thoughts...and the pendulum started swinging the other way.

"What if he is there, but just not answering you because he's with someone else this weekend?"

Yeah, I kicked the little devil off my shoulder for that one! That's just years of deceit and mistrust that I am still working through, because he has given me no reason to think such a thing or doubt what he tells me is truth.

Then when I was upstairs working on clothes in the girls' room, I missed his call on my cell downstairs. I even told him I was gonna whoop him for making me worry! And he's like "Duh, I told you I was working this weekend!" But I'm like, "Yeah, but I thought you meant going into the office on Saturday!" And he's like, "Um....no!" Sooooooo, then who's left with egg on her face for worrying and losing sleep for nothing???

(Solo-mommy sheepishly raises her hand)

In other news, Can't Get Right actually came through today! I went to a furniture store to pick up the dresser I bought for the girls, and a bunkie board for DJ's bunk bed (so he can finally sleep in it, poor thing). Well, the delivery people loaded it up, so on my way home I'm thinking who am I gonna get to help me get it in the house? On a whim, and it being Sunday and all, I dialed his number. Straight to voicemeail, and I'm not shocked. I called again about a minute later, and it rang, and ... (drum roll) ... He Answered!!! Yeah well, it shocked the hell out of me. I told him I needed him at the house for a few minutes cause I needed help taking a dresser for the girls upstairs to their room.

Surprisingly enough, he showed up in a timely fashion! Starr was happy to see him of course, as were Bruzer and Champagne. DJ went with his dad on Saturday and didn't get back til tonight. He took the dresser up by himself, and then took the bunkie board to the boys' room also. He stayed for a minute and talked, and I chastized him for not coming by to see Starr since well before her birthday in November. He made a comment about Memphis, and I warned him that he really doesn't want to go there. See there is thing about me that he knows, if you ask me a question I will assume you really want the answer. So, I'll give it to you, whether you like it or not! So, he took a detour from such a dangerous path, for the sake of getting his feelings (and perhaps his ego) hurt.

Then he was off to work. And I confirmed something during that visit. It's really over.

Usually when I see him, no matter what else in going on in my life or who I am with, there is this attraction I feel for him. I could always look at him, even on his worst days or when he was sick, and think he just the cutest thing ever. Not there...gone....nada. That felt really good. Sometimes you can be so over a person....until you see them. Then all the feelings rush back to the surface ( I have a LOT of experience in this area). Today was the proof, that it's gone baby gone!

WOOHOO! I'm FREE!! (solo-mommy dances a quick jig)

Saturday, I spent the day with Leigh and her girls. Went down to ESL and got more gray contacts, finally. My last pair did not survive the first weekend in Memphis! (I will let you think what you want on that one!) I went to Target and spent loads of money, but got things the kids and the household surely were overdue for. I went to Sam's and spent a bill on meat alone, but it will last well into spring. I went to Wal-Mart and spent a mint on more household stuff and grocery and undies for the kids. I bought a computer for an awesome price on ebay. So, I can be back to work soon at home!!!!! YAY!!!! I bought a digital camera/camcorder, and an mp3/mp4 player for me and an mp3 player for DJ. I am so ecstatic that the bills are caught up and will stay up from this point on, and I can finally get to work bringing a few extra hundred a month working nights and weekends from the comfort of my own home. One more thing I need to purchase to do that though? A damn portable heater, cause it is cold in here right now!!!!

On that note, I am going to soak in a warm bath (a rare luxury for me), and then head to bed!

Wild Wednesday!!

Yesterday was very challenging. I couldn't even post this last night because I was so mentally exhausted!! So back to the beginning...

It started out that morning doing my usual wake-up call to Dante. I couldn't get a hold of him. I figured he had overslept BIG TIME, since I called about 10 times over the course of an hour. He had PT at 7a...and I finally stopped calling about 730a. I wouldn't have been this obsessive had there not been a damaging tornado that touched down near him in Bartlett!! I talked to him that night when I saw the initial report on cnn.com, and he confirmed he was okay. Well apparently, the power went out and his phone (aka his backup alarm clock) was charging in the car! Another emotional crisis averted!

Then it continued on when I got to work. I opened up my email, and there was a letter from the bff. Oh My God!! First, I was shocked. Then I was upset that such an emotionally explosive email was sent to my JOB! I mean, I was on the phone in my worst voice, trying not to cry.

Yes, then it changed to sadness. I won't go into the email specifics, but she went back and re-read the ranting email I wrote on my birthday weekend. I won't even link to it because, like I told her, I hadn't ever re-read that email because it brought up an upsetting period. Basically her email left me wondering what she was thinking. Like was she trying to decide if she even wanted to be friends anymore. That's the impression the email gave me, and it was too much to handle at once. Not like the rest of my life is going so peachy right now either, you know.

I had to get past it, because I don't have the type of job that I can leave to go home if I'm just not "up for it" that day.

So what did I do? I used my extreme personality to my professional benefit. I swung the pendulum to other side! I was insanely chipper and jokey and happy, until I was able to balance out after lunch. It worked...for the most part. She and I emailed back and forth a couple of times, and basically straightened things out by the end of the day.

To add to the emotional rollercoaster, I was following a thought in my head that led me to research potentional surgeons for a procedure that I may have one day. (Yes I am being purposely vague. No I will probably NEVER tell you what it is) What was best was reading the testimonials of real people, and to know I wasn't alone in the way I've been feeling. But, most of all, knowing there's hope for a different tomorrow. I was all mushy inside by the end of the workday!

Then I get to the daycare and get the "kids cannot return to daycare unless entire bill is paid" statement, which I call the 'love note' for short. I wrote a check a few weeks back and wrapped it in a full piece of paper that I had written a note on. I also post-dated the check for a week later when I got paid. They completely disregarded both of those things and deposited the check when they felt like it. So of course it bounced, because I hadn't gotten paid yet. But, you know I just have hundreds of dollars just LYING around everywhere right? So, in their world, it's not that I can't afford to pay at that exact moment. It's that I CHOOSE not to share all the money I have in the bank with them!

Yeah! As if!

So, as it turns out, I ended up missing today anyway! I was so emotionally exhausted by the end of yesterday...I just didn't care anymore. I got up and called in this morning. Then I called Dante to make sure he was awake, and proceeded to get up and get moving as usual.

Still no direct deposit of federal taxes yet, hoping for tomorrow. Still very inconsistent on the child support payments from Joe, don't know what's going on with the job. All I know is I've gotten 3 payments in the last 6-8 weeks, as opposed to 1 every week. That's like an almost $3 an hour pay cut! How would you do in that situation??

Welcome to my world.

Just One of Those Days

Wow...today was a challenging day to keep the positive thoughts flowing! SO much stuff is going on!

Money is not where it could be. Still waiting on my refund deposit...ANXIOUSLY awaiting it.

Don't know what's going on with the bff. She has been incommunicado for the past few days. I called her a couple of times on Sunday on my way home and did hear from her. I sent a text message. Nothing. I called Monday morning. Nothing. I get a very vague email saying she was not in the mood to talk yet about stuff that happened over the weekend. Tuesday morning I sent a text. Nothing. I sent an email asking was everything ok, and was it something I did? She didn't answer the second question but said everything was not okay. I just think that's weird, but I understand that all people are different.

When I go in my little shell, I may not reach out first, but I don't just shut people out. I still do that now for the most part. Most people I talk to call me first, otherwise I could be in my little world all evening. But if someone calls, I answer. I won't just look at the call and ignore it. But that's just who I am, and I have to accept that everyone isn't the same. People handle situations in their lives differently. Kween helped me understand that today. She told me weeks went by once and she just didn't talk to any of her friends, and barely talked to her kids. The phone would ring or they would send a text message, and she would just look at it. She said she would maybe check the voicemail to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, but that was it. She said it was so bad they called her daughter's phone to make sure nothing had happened to her!

That's just weird to me. Why would you just shut people out that have done nothing wrong to you? But it makes perfect sense to her. So, I just have to realize that it's not all about me (shocking, I know)...and when my bff wants to talk to me again, I will be here. But man, tomorrow is Wednesday, this is very challenging!

It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me.

Yeah, still not working. Tomorrow will be better though, I PROMISE.




pps. Was freaking out due to tornadoes waaaaay too close to Dante in Memphis! But he comfirmed he is fine. Waiting to hear from Kween about her folks.

Something To Make You Feel Good!!

I am having a challenging day today and I got this by email, so I wanted to share.

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one.

 

1. Falling in love. (DEFINITELY A HIGH)
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower. (YES!!!!)
4. No lines at the supermarket.

5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. (BETTER WITH YOUR SWEETIE!)
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about y ou.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (with the one you love).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair. (Can I say WEAK SPOT?!)
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings (I can attest to this one! Try it sometime!)
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies .
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about. (That’s a definite yes…even if it’s your kids!)
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody you care about misses you. (Talk about a Good Feeling!!)
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

 

Quote Of The Year!!!

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding,

 severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,

and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,

 are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

The Weekend in Review

 

Yes, I had a great time. I got to see my sweetie, so of course it was all good! Kween was able to ride with me, along with her 13-year old daughter who was sick. We didn’t get on the highway until 6p, but we made good time getting there. Highways were clear and dry in Missouri, and by the time we got to Arkansas, there wasn’t a trace of snow.

 

Dante and I were texting the entire time I was driving (yeah, safe I know!), so I told him to meet me at her father’s house when we got there. I called when we got into town, and he arrived about 5 minutes after we did. I said my hellos and goodbyes when I saw his lights in the driveway. I was so excited to see him!! It showed that he was excited to see me too!

Get your mind out of the gutter, that’s not what I meant!

 

It was like on the movies, where the people are just kissing and completely melted into one another, and can barely part from each other long enough to get where they are getting! I called my mom on the way to the apartment to let her know I made it there. We got everything unloaded into the house. Then we caught up a little from the last 5 weeks – repeat 5 WEEKS – of not seeing each other! But it wasn’t all bliss while I was there. I had to put him in place right away. It went something like this:

 

ME: What do you think you’re doing?

HIM: Just washing a couple of dishes. Why?

ME: Do you even SEE me standing here?

HIM: Yes sweetie. I was just…

ME: Touch another dish while I’m here, and see what happens!

 

As I’ve stated before, I love spoiling him while I’m there. I mean heck (as far as I know) he’s alone all the rest of the time, and no choice but to wash dishes and clothes by himself. So, one of my treats while I there is to relieve him of his household duties for the most part. He understands the rules, I just had to refresh his memory! Oh, please know it goes both ways. I think at some point Saturday, I was threatened to draw back a nub if I reached for another door again in his presence!

 

We didn’t get to see one movie on Saturday though. My back was hurting really bad, and he didn’t have any Aleve. So I took a couple of 10mg muscle relaxers. OMG! I couldn’t stay awake. I slept in the car to get lunch. I slept in the car on the way to Wal-Mart. I slept in the car on the way back to the apartment. Then I slept for about 2 hours then!!! I am not usually sensitive to meds at all, so that threw me for a loop! Then we both laid on the couch a little later after dinner and went to sleep. Party animals, huh?! LOL

 

We woke up later and stayed up until after 2a watching movies and “stuff”. We watched a piece of crap called ‘No Country for Old Men’. Yes, this Oscar-nominated movie is crap. It has a stupid and completely anti-climatic ending. In my opinion, there was a lot of graphic violence for the sake of violence. So, after that went off, we decided to end our night on a MUCH better note!

 

Since I had to leave earlier than I would have liked on Sunday, the morning seemed to fly by! I made breakfast, and we got a chance to just enjoy each other’s company for awhile, which felt really nice. He wanted me to cut his hair, and I did that. It may not have been a big deal to him, but it was to me. I mean yeah on the one hand, how bad can you screw up cutting it all off? But on the other hand, that displays a lot of trust to let me do it in the first place. So I wanted to make sure I did a good job. After all, I have been cutting the boys’ hair since DJ’s first birthday.

 

Anyway, we left the apartment and arrived at Kween’s father’s house and were ready to roll. But not after I got a few more very delicious smooches for the road! I made it home a lot later than the time I expected to get back. We had to stop in Cape Girardeau, MO at Kween’s cousin’s house, because she wasn’t feeling well…so that took an hour or more. But all was well that ended well! I had a great trip, and I informed him it’s his turn next!

Today is the Day

Well, it snowed pretty good here. I am glad I took the day off for sure!

I got out there this morning and shoveled the back walk area so me and my neighbors could both get to the basement. If you remember, my basement is accessible only through an outside door. It's not as bad as you may think, even in this weather I don't even wear a coat to down there. Then a little later, my neighbor and her oldest son shoveled the front walkway.

I started my laundry, since I am down to no underwear! Yeah, I said it! I'm wearing the last pair right now!! But I tell this much, my kids have clean underwear in their drawers...and that's where my first priority lies! I then went and shoveled around the van and cleaned her (my van) off. I still need to get the fuel system cleaned before I get on the road.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that! I went to the doctor the other day because my throat was so bad, I couldn't eat or drink cause it hurt to swallow. Of course the next day it was feeling better - and I hadn't even got the meds yet!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!

After the doctor appointment, I went to Valvoline and got my oil changed since I had an awesome $15 off coupon! I got the high-mileage synthetic blend, which means I can go 4000 miles. She does have 119,000 miles on her, and I plan to keep her for another couple of years, so I gotta take care of her! I was worried but fuel efficiency was lagging and so was her get-up-and-go, thought it was time for a tune-up (which are not cheap). Turns out, according to very helpful and hands-on (the van, of course) guy at Valvoline, I need my fuel system cleaned. He showed it to me and explained it to me. He even asked me, if my van was having a bit of hesitation going up hills and stuff...so I don't feel like I'm getting hosed! That's about $75, as opposed to near $200 for a BASIC tune-up. I told my mom about it, and she said she was going to go check them out before she spends almost $400 on a tuneup for her '97 Chrysler Town and Country! I pray that works for her also.

So, I am getting the kids ready while my clothes are washing and drying. Then I'm gonna jump in the shower and also wash my hair while I'm in there. It's going on one o'clock now, and I would like to be on the road by about 4 or 5 this afternoon. My bff told me this morning that she has a 'bad feeling' about me going, and she just wanted to go on record as saying such. My family has been freaking out because of the weather and telling me of course maybe I should postpone and all that. But, that's why I am waiting, cause I want there to be plenty of time for them to get the roads cleared, plowed and well-salted. Once I get out of Missouri, there's nothing...and I will be very careful. I PROMISE!!

Why am I still going? Not because I am so desperate to see Dante. Not because I can't wait to get away from my children. But because I am tired of always settling for disappointment because obstacles get in the way. I have really been looking forward to this trip, and usually when I plan (and look forward to) something in advance it always falls through! (Remember my birthday?) Enough with that life! I have to make decisions for myself (as -ironically- my bff was just talking about doing in her life in that same conversation). Because honestly, if it's a bad decision I would have noone to blame or fault but myself, instead of wishing or regretting not following my own mind. My mind is telling me to be cautious and careful on the roads, don't rush, and make sure the car is highway worthy. That's what I'm listening to.

I'll let you know how WONDERFULLY things went when I get back.