He Came, He Went, We Enjoyed Thoroughly

Dante left yesterday morning. It was a very good visit. As I mentioned before, he also found out he did not get promoted so he will getting out of the military in a couple of months. Because he has so much leave still on the books, he will actually be home around mid-August for good. I know! It's hard to believe that after almost 2 years, this won't be a long distance relationship anymore!

Yes, that does bring on a bit of anxiety...for both of us. I assume that now that we will closer geographically, then things should begin to progress more for us relationally and emotionally. Then I also worry that we won't cut it as a couple if he's close. What if he gets here and after a few months of the day-to-day life, realize this really isn't what he wants. I've been told a time or three that it's not me, it's getting used to someone with kids that's a big issue for him. I told him last night not to prolong the inevitable in an attempt not to hurt me, because those "best intentions" are usually what cause more pain in the end. I'm just being honest.

We had a great talk before he left, well into the wee hours of the morning. I finally told him something I had been wanting to say for a very long time. I told him I really hated his phone! Not the brand, or the way it rings, but the way it makes me feel. I told him I actually feel like I have to compete with the phone. Not so much because he's always on it, but moreso because I don't know what other women I am competing with on the other end! We talked until almost 2 in the morning...and do you know he was still getting text messages that whole time!!! I realize now that I should have been furious at the time, but I try to be so slow to anger that I probable hurt myself more than anything. What I should have done is got up and walked the hell outta the room! I would NEVER do that to him! When did I become such a doormat! That was not okay! As I told him that night, when that phone is going off all day and night, I KNOW it's not a Marine texting! I still don't think that was a Marine taking up all of MY TIME when we were at dinner in Atlanta that night! Talk about feeling "not good enough"!!! Honestly, if I come in the room and see him on that phone it bothers me instantly, because I know who it probably is.

I even made a point to tell him that my phone and my life is open to him. He can pick up my phone at any time and look in it...CAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Guess who can't say the same thing? His phone is locked and password protected! Which I very clearly pointed out makes me assume there's something in there he doesn't want me to see! Didn't get a response to that one...shocking! What I was trying to get across to him is that I made the decision to be committed to him...and ONLY him. I expected that by now we would be on the same page. Then he reminds me of the "understanding" that we had about me knowing that he has women friends that he talks to and hangs out with.

I'm gonna stop now because I am getting a little upset just writing about it! I feel like the more I "talk" this out it makes me realize that I have been allowing this man to cheat on me and disrespect me. Just in case it's not clear how he's disrespected me:

While you're with the woman you say you love and care for deeply, you can't stop sending text messages back and forth to at least one woman who very obviously wants to be in a relationship with you, that you are calling 'your friend'. Well when she sends text messages that say 'Are You Okay Baby' (yeah, that one) ...she is obviously trying to be (or maybe already is) more than a friend! It's disrespectful to the person you are with to even allow a situation like that to persist. Noone else should be sending messages to you saying 'Good Morning Baby' (I looked once, different person) but the person you are involved with...PERIOD!!!!! But that's just MY opinion!

I'll try to be more positive later, I promise! I really did enjoy our time together...and that fact that he spent basically the WHOLE VISIT here with me and the kids was awesome! I wouldn't have even dreamed about asking that! He gave me a break and took the the kids out to eat. That shows me that he's really trying on that front. I know how it is when you are completely set against something, it can take a while to get to the other side. I just hope he understands that he won't be just 'my husband' if it progresses to that point. He will be a father figure to some of my kids and a full-on dad to the others. That costs nothing but time and emotions. I've been taking care of my kids alone for a while now, so I'm not looking at him like a gravy train. I'm looking for someone who can make that all-important emotional connection with them. A surefire way to my heart is through my kids.