Gone...For Good

We had a talk today, and he finally made a decision. I feel like before, I made the decision for him by walking away. So I decided after things had been going so well for us, to really be more aggressive and show him that I was for real. I invited him to go away for V-Day weekend to KC with me. He told me he would have to see what she wanted to do first then let me know! BLOCKED SHOT!! I had pretty much nothing else to say after that. We had a text convo later which turned into an actual call after that.

I feel like he finally made a choice, and he told me directly that IT WAS NOT ME. I heard it loud and clear. Even though his actions and emotions betray his mind, he is choosing to be with her. He actually said he wants to give her a chance! What about the one who gave you her everything for two years and you never gave her a chance because you were so busy with these other ones?! Ain't that a bitch! So, I talked to the BFF. And I cried to the BFF. My eyes are still tight (ie, slightly swollen) from crying. But, you know what? I get it now. Just like I told him. What he said is that he doesn't want me. No that's not what his mouth said, but his actions did.

If he really loved me and cared for me as much and as deeply as he says (mouth and body), then he would be with me. Apparently (as I told him today) he cares for her more. He says no to that, but again: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!

I'm tired. I am mentally tired. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am hurt to the core. But through it all... I AM STRONGER!! As much as I care about him, I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need or crave him anymore. I don't want to remember how his kisses felt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in his arms. I don't want to remember how it felt to make love to him and merge our very souls together. I want it all gone. I pray for it to be gone. Because I don't want a few weeks or a few months to go by and when things don't work out with her (long distance dumb ass, look what happened last time?!), I don't want to feel like I want him back! He doesn't deserve to have me again! I know I'm the queen of second and third and fourth chances, but this has to stop! All it gets me every time is heartbreak, while they move on to temporary happiness and maybe even marriage but after it all they're still wishing they had me!!

FUCK THAT!!!

I want the man that's gonna have me and realize his ass better act fast before someone else tries to steal this "good thing" he found!!! Not the one that is willing to fish around for something better, then when he realizes there IS NOT, comes back to my bay!! Screw that, I'm done with this bullshit! We are in our mid to late thirties...why the hell are so many men (read: black men) still playing games!!??

APPLICATIONS ARE BEING ACCEPTED. RACE NOT AN ISSUE.