I Am Still Here!!

Yes, I am still here! It has been VERY difficult as of late for me. I have been in a little hole, only surfacing for work and my motherly responsibilities.

But I am much better now. Thanks to all of those that were concerned enough to NOT check on me! J (oh yeah, I’m back)

For the past week, I have had a headache. Yesterday was my first day without one. No, not the I-don’t-wanna-have-sex kind of headache. But a serious headache. Not quite my usual migraine, but just enough under that to let me know my blood pressure was WAY out of whack. I never took my BP during that time, but I’m sure if I went to the doctor, they would have admitted me into the hospital because I was in danger of a stroke!

Yeah, it was that bad.

But then, just when I thought I couldn’t take another weight, the blessings came! Oh, but GOD!!! Take me as an example of the saying that God will not put more on you than you can bear! I was literally at my breaking point, things were that bad. But, after having my van repo’d for the second time in less than 2 months, things finally took a turn for the better. My mother stepped in, and by the grace of God her credit union agreed to buy my van from the car place I got the van from.

YES. MY MOTHER DOES TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!!!!

Then my landlords reduced my rent by $50. I’m telling you what….the power of God is unstoppable! I’m not nearly out of the woods yet, but I can see the clearing coming up ahead. Plus, I am still ferverently trying to find more work-at-home options to provide a steady income monthly. I think I have found it…and I will keep you posted.

So, even when people come to me CRAZY like I have done something wrong to them purposely, that is not my intention. (You will know if it is)

I have just simply been trying to maintain my sanity for the sake of my family! Give me a break…sheeeeez!

What A Doll!

Cody makes some gorgeous kids! I wish I had a picture of his first daughter, always known to me as Jazzy. Her mother was (as we say in the 'hood) "to'e up from the flo up"! But what a pretty little girl she was. Thank goodness she took after her dad!

Yeah, uh-huh, I'm mean. Whatever! What's your point? (solo-mommy smirks)

Fast forward a whole lotta years to his newest daughter, Taylor. Just as cute. Got to really see the mother last night on some video footage he shot. My only words for him were, "Why do you seem to find the most hoodrat chicks you can to have babies by?!" As he explains it, the boobs got him! Boy did they ever!

Anyway, here's they're cutey, Little Miss Taylor:

Granted, she's 13 months now (and still cute). But if you can be that cute as a newbie, it's gotta be all uphill from there!

Case in point: Here's another very adorable little baby that Cody and I could have easily made together back in the day:

And this is what she looks like at 4 years old:

She's a little crispy from the summer sun but, even on a bad hair day, she's gorgeous! It really is exhausting being so cute all the time. Trust me, I know!!!!

Salon Day

It was L-O-N-G overdue, but I finally did the girls' hair! Here are the results:

I flat-ironed Starr's (the gorgeous chocolate drop) hair and just styled Champagne's. Starr's looks like it was relaxed, and Champagne's is still a little drawn up, which is why it looks so short.

They're just too cute, aren't they? :)

Hanging On By A Thread

I just sit here and wonder is it ever going to end?
Will I always be waiting for my blessing around the bend?
Am I ever going to be totally debt-free?
WIll I ever truly find someone for me?

When will I be able to relax and take a breath?
The way it seems now, that won't be until my death.
Where is the happy ending I hear people talk about?
Whether that really exists is what I am starting to doubt.

I look at my bank account and see red, not black.
Wondering will I ever be able to take up the slack.
I take two steps forward, and get knocked five steps back.
Lord, please help me get my life back on track!

I am at my wits' end and don't know how much longer I can hold on.
But I put on a brave front and try to be strong.
Meanwhile i pray and think of new ways
To pay off my debts and make better days!

If this sounds familiar to you, pray.
If it doesn't sound familiar to, pray you can never relate.
If you can relate to this but it's not happening to you, Pray for Me!!

The Most Awesomest Thing I've Seen in a While

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ervaMPt4Ha0

This totally made me cry. Please watch it, and pass the link to everyone you know.

God Bless Our Soldiers! I may not agree with the war that Bush started, but I support our Soldiers 100%. I believe the Iraqi people deserve help too. I just wish Bush wouldn't have been such an ASS and alienated the whole world from helping us help the Iraqi people.
God Bless our Soldiers' families at home.

I Am Not There Yet...But I'm On My Way!!!

Yes, I am still here! It's been a heck of a week. The ups and downs...mostly the downs. I am still a couple of paychecks behind. I got my 'Kids can't come back to daycare until the entire bill is paid' letter. So that means I get to choose between rent, utilities, or childcare.

Aren't you jealous you're not me???

I still haven't made my decision yet...but Monday is fast approaching. Most likely since I don't have another option for daycare, I will pay the daycare bill. But what I can't get them to understand is when I do that, everything else in my life suffers. But they don't seem to care. With the little note the daycare director wrote to me on Thursday, she should be thanking her lucky stars I don't slash her tires! Yes, I am well aware I owe the money. Yes, I am well aware that it is late. No, that does not give you the right to talk to me like I am your child. No, it does not authorize to presume you know what's going on in my life.

I have been thinking and planning lately about being able to work from home full-time, without giving up a weekend. That is what I would have to do to work at home with my current company. That's not really an option. I am praying and believing that I found my solution though. I should have more information soon on that. I am believing God for that desire of my heart. Which will get me one step closer to owning my own business from home.

This is going to sound silly but, I watched Shall We Dance last night. You know, the one with Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere? I like that movie, it's really cute. But, there was a scene watching her dance with this dancer's shirt and some tap pants on? I saw a great body, and that's what I want. I know, I know....VERY ambitious. But, even if it takes me a year to get to it, so be it. I am worth my dreams.

WE ARE ALL WORTH OUR DREAMS.


If you get a chance, and you haven't done so already, see The Astronaut Farmer. That movie is so worth it, and it is definite;y one to watch with the family. It is the most perfect movie today about NOT giving up on your dreams...No Matter What.

Working Through It All

I still don't quite have everything together, but I am making plans to get there. I am getting more and more disillusioned with my job, which is so bad for me. My goal is to request PT by December because I am making other monies.

I am diligently looking for great sources to not only find another income but perhaps a more lucrative and flexible career.

Other than that, personally I am really starting to evaluate myself and I know I am not ready to be Mrs. Anyone. But that's okay, because I don't have to be right now. That's what I was trying to get the New Guy to see. Getting together as an exclusive couple doesn't mean we HAVE TO get married. That's what the dating process is about. You go through the initial stages to see if this is someone you would perhaps marry. Then after learning more about them, the possibility seems more realistic. Then, you agree to love deeper into each other to see if a lifelong connection can be made. Sometimes, after all that, it's just not there. But you will never know that unless you try it. Take the pressure off, allow yourself an "out" if you realize the relationship is a no-go. Who knows what may happen...we shall see. We are supposed to see each other next Saturday night.

Pink Eye

The little girl has pink eye. Yep, my sister called me to let me the daycare called her. I didn't suspect a thing, because I saw no evidence this morning. Trust me...I am a pink eye queen! With four kids? Puh-leeze!!

Anyway this was right at 320p. Yes, that's right. 10 minutes before what time I should have been getting off work, had it not been for that "bee-otch" of a manager I have. Turns out, on our new schedules we get printed weekly with our pre-selected break and lunch times, it showed me working 930-6 on Thursday. Well, the guy that I switched with tells me yesterday that we need to switch starting today. I talked to the manager like 'Hey, too short notice. Other people have to plan around picking my kids up.'

Basically his response was 'Too bad, so sad. This is your regular shift and you will work it when we tell you to!"

So when I brought it to his attention that I needed to leave today, I made mention of that fact. Here I am now further extending my time in my department...thus further extending the late shift hours. So he allowed me to take LWOP (leave without pay), therefore not taking a hit on attendance. Then, the "bee-otch" sends a message thru the Kween saying "Don't ever say I haven't done anything for you". The nerve!!! But, whatever! I am so over that place!!

The Kween is off tomorrow so she is letting me work her 7a-330p shift. I totally dig the 330p part but the 7am part blows. I am too much of a night owl! I should be able to finish my book by then, so I can go on the the next one.

The big doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning. I hope to have some news by next week. This has been a good week though. The week after my cycle finally shuts off usually is. I actually feel normal for a little while.

We hung out at Leigh's house this evening, since she barbecued and also made sides for everyone to get plenty. Then we picked up Champagne's prescription before heading home for the evening about 9p. Boy did she cry bloody murder when the drops went in! But hopefully she'll be better soon.

I'm headed to bed...530a will be here before I know it.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Can't Get Right and the New Guy. Yes, they have the same birthday.



Interesting combination huh?



Can't Get Right came over today to see Starr since I told him she was very excited about his birthday. She had actually been counting down for a week! We also had a conversation, because he said he noticed something different in me. He said he could tell my love for him had changed.

So I proceeded to explain my relationship with the New Guy and how I felt about him. I told him that I had to let go of the possibility of...for real this time. I realized that it's not fair to anyone else for me to be pining over one person while trying to give my whole self to someone else. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, would you?

I am glad that we had that talk today. We really needed to after the phone incident. So, I think we are okay now...even better than before. We have finally come to that next level of understanding. I'm happy and so is he with out new relationship. He wants to make his priority falling in love with his kids and not with some woman. I will do my part to keep him on his path.

As for the New Guy, the ball is totally in his court. Though I did offer to cook him dinner...

Just a Quick Note to Say...

I haven't heard from him since I talked to him the other day.

In case you were wondering.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have had some physical issues in the "women's department" that have gotten me concerned. I won't say too much more than that at this point, but I am seriously concerned. I just ask you to put me in your prayers that all is well. Since I am absolutely positive that prayer changes things, I will let you know when all is well again.

(sending you all cyber-hugs)

It's Almost That Time Again

I know I am no different from many people out there, but I really don't look forward to going back to work after this vacation. One main reason is I know that Monday will probably be my last day working 7-330p. It will then be back to 930-6p...indefinitely. I am torn between going across the hall to full-service and leaving the company completely. Since I am planning to purchase a home next year, I am leaning towards staying put for the job stability thing. I just hope that if I do decide to switch within the next couple of months, it will be worth it in the long run.

I am in the process of refocusing my attentions to me and what I want to do with my life. I am tired of feeling as if I am merely existing, and not living. It is most definitely how I feel. I haven't gotten my degree, and I have really wanted to. I am so far into debt right now, not from frivolous purchases of shoe fetishes and clothes, but just trying to make ends meet. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, as the saying goes. That pretty much describes my life!

Let's not forget about my sincere and deep desire to both work from home, and then ultimately starting and running my own successful business. It sounds so simple to say Just Do It. But honestly, Nike had the right idea. There will always be a reason why you shouldn't do something. We can truly talk ourselves out of anything. I know, since I've started doing just that over the last few years! There was a time when I thought everything was possible, and I acted accordingly. But now, it's like I built my own ceiling that I will not let myself exceed. That's okay, because I am on my way to reprogramming that!

In other news, I finally got the girls' beds put together. Cody and I hung out yesterday aftertoon. He was trying to get the last part to finish putting his car (the PimpMobile as I call it) back together. He has changed the radiator 3 times this week and apparently the 3rd time was the charm. He bought me barbecue from some place as we were headed back. Sure I could've put the beds together myself, but hey if I had a friend that could do it, why not?! I really enjoy hanging out with him, but not like as a relationship or anything of the sort. It's not even in any danger of turning into that!!! Because we talk about our relationships, I know who he is really nuts about...even when he didn't. And he knows all about the New Guy (the ups and downs), so he knows where my heart is too. I try to give advice from a woman's point of view, and just like a know-it-all man, he totally ignores me! And I will ask his opinion from a man's perspective, if need be. If someone saw us, they could easily mistake us as siblings (though we don't look alike at all) because we constantly go back and forth! But it's good having that no-pressure feeling, someone to hang with, without any sexual or relational expectations!

SoloMommy breathes a sigh of relief.

It Ain't Over

Well...guess who I got to talk to the other night???? Yes...I really did.

The New Guy!!!

I know, I know. I was talking all big and bad about him and it being over! I admit, I do not like the emotional roller coaster I was on, so that was true. What wasn't true is that I was glad he was out of my life. I came across a picture of him and the WonderTwins that we took the day we went on the Grafton Ferry, and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought about that last email I sent him and how harsh it was. Heck, I wouldn't have called me or emailed me after that email! So I called and left a VM (after talking to him briefly about not supposed to be answering the phone) that said the door was being opened and I missed him.
We ended up talking on the phone that evening for about 40 minutes. He's still scared, but he did admit he thought about me and still cared about me.

That was a good thing!

My vacation has begun...

Woo-hoo!!! I know the next four days are gonna fly by, but I am really gonna try and get some things accomplished!

Men and Women

Current mood: Irritated

Men vs Women....Women vs Men! It has gotten really old to me. If a man is not seeing his child the way he should, the men automatically assume it's something the woman did. Why can't the man just be trifling and selfish all by himself!!!???

Lately I have encountered a new breed of men (for me at least). I have encountered men who actually take a serious and active role in raising their non-custodial children. Also, I have come across those who are full-time custodial parents. Now, for me, that's just weird! But I am very impressed and refreshed to see men - particularly black men - taking their parental responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to have a conversation with these same men sometimes, because they think differently. How? Let me explain.

Non-custodial fathers who belive in taking very active roles in their children's lives usually have trouble with the children's mothers. It's that same theory that one good person ends up matching or mating with one that's not-so-good. Ever seen a really nice guy with a woman who is a real barracuda (for lack of using the other b-word)? Or vice-versa, seeing a really sweet woman with a player/jackass? That rule still applies when children have been produced.

So then those fathers tend to see things a bit differently based on their experiences. Here are men who actually want to spend time with their children, but the mothers make it difficult (sometimes VERY difficult). Well, when these men talk to another woman who mentions that their children's fathers don't spend time with the children, they automatically assume it's that woman's fault!

Preacherman actually asked me that just recently! I told him that just as quickly as the WonderTwins father appeared, wanting to be in their life, he disappeared again. Preacherman's response to me? "What did you do?" I swear to you, I saw red! Roy(real name) is just a loser. A very self-involved loser. Can't Get Right is just about the same. Starr was so excited to call him for Father's Day, but his phone was turned off so she left a voicemail. Do you know he never called her back???? These are people who are way more involved in themselves and their own lives than the offspring that they produced.

I chatted with the Commander for quite a while yesterday also. While we talked about several subjects, this one came up as well. Now the Commander is a complete oddball in my world, he is a full-time single father. But, that wonderful fact is offset by the fact that he is so negative towards single mothers. It's like we are all put in the same category, just out here having babies to get some man's money. That's wrong, very wrong, and it gets old feeling as if I have to defend myself all the time. I have four children by three different fathers, what about that makes me a bad mother? I will grant you irresponsible, but I take my role as their mother VERY SERIOUSLY. I'm not still trying to hang out in the clubs, or make sure my hair and nails are done knowing they need shoes. I put my needs and wants on the back burner so they are taken care of. What about that makes me a bad mother? I didn't think so!

Because of the crappy relationship with my 'papa-was-a-rolling-stone' father, I would much prefer to have a man that makes a priority spending time with the children we produced, rather than cashing a check every month. Honestly, I can make it without the child support that comes to me every month. BUT, the men I reproduced with don't see it that way, and why should he get off scott free when both of us laid down to make the baby? I did Can't Get Right a favor by NOT filing child support, but did he EVER really spend time with Starr, buy a birthday or Christmas present, show UP for her birthday parties, CALL HER to say 'hi', or anything that parents who care do? Heck no. Ok, so then you need to be responsible for your creation financially since you won't be the father that she needs.

Yeah, yeah men, call me wrong or whatever you want! But I take care of my responsibility. Mama's baby, daddy's maybe. That's what it's like in my world. I wish for better, but I can't change a grown man's behavior.

I also wish I didn't have to explain or defend my actions because of the women out there who are not on the up and up when it comes to kids. I actually met a guy who's BM was mad at him because he was so involved in their daughter's life! She just doesn't realize how blessed she is. I never deny my ex-husband access to DJ...never. Even when we as a family had something planned. If he called and said he wanted to pick him up, then DJ went and we just missed him at whatever family functions I had already planned. The WonderTwins do not know Roy at all, so I am not going to just tell a 4 and 3 year old "Hey that's your father, go with him, and mommy will see you later." NO! He is a stranger, and he should be willing to take the time to get to know them since he voluntarily stayed out of their life for so long. Apparently he wasn't, so it's just a bad situation all the way around. I don't even have a way to reach him since his phone number got disconnected quite a few months ago.

But, I will do my part and try to find him, I think I know a few ways. I will also talk to Can't Get Right (though I am upset with him about the phone thing, but that's grown folks mess and nothing to do with him and Starr) about doing better to be there. Even if it means calling her once a week, that's a 100% improvement on what he has done thusfar.

So, for the sake of my children, I will guide these grown men as if they were children, until they realize they are actually adults and this is what they should be doing anyway. My prayer is that they end up with better father-child relationships than I ever had. The superficial relationship my father and I had disentigrated when I got tired of pursuing him. I pray all of my children have relationships that last a lifetime.

It's Almost Vacation Time!

I work a full day tomorrow and Monday, then I will be on vacation the rest of the week!

Woo!!!

Started reading an awesome new book entitled Millionaire Women by Jeanne Torrence Hauer. Did you know the founder of Two Men and a Truck is a woman? The "two men" were her sons making money throughout high school! How completely cool is that? And the icing on the cake? She was a solo-mommy too!!!

Told you single motherhood has it's privileges!

Happy Wednesday!

It's awesome working this early schedule! Even when I am stuck and have to stay late, it's only like 4P!!!! I am going to hate giving it back!

I am still in such a transitional state right now. I really have to start writing offline to determine what i want to tackle first and in what order. I want to lose weight, at least 30 pounds. I don't like the way I look from the neck down. I don't like the way my clothes fit. I don't like the fact that my GUT sticks out a little farther than my boobs! I want to get my financials in order, stop living paycheck to paycheck. Actually have a savings account with at least 3 figures, on its way to four. Have a retirement account. Have a significant life insurance policy. Eliminate all excess debt. I want to be better at prayer. I want to find a church where I and my kids can grow. I want to live a life as pleasing to God as mortally possible. I want to be responsible for my own income, by starting and successfully operating my own business. I don't want to be merely self-employed, I want to give myself permission to be financially independent!

I had the most awesome thing happen to me yesterday. I am very moved by music, as I've said before. My life is it's own soundtrack. There is a literally a song I know that applies to every aspect of my life. I was listening to Kirk Franklin's Hero CD on my way to Aldi on break from work. Track number 11 is Entitled "BrokenHearted", and is among my favorites on there. Just revelling in the words is so spiritually uplifting for me. I had the radio BLASTING on the way back and I "caught the Holy Ghost" as we say where I come from. I felt so awesome by the time I got back to work! My eyes were red and I was still snifflinf from crying. My body was completely physically spent. Yet at the same time, I was totally renewed and rejuvenated!!!

I tell you the truth: If you don't know already, God is awesome! If you haven't "tried" Him, I guarantee there is NONE BETTER!!! The marvelous thing about God is that even in the low points of life, He can keep your head lifted up! But, He is a gentleman. He will not force His way into your world, He waits patiently for you.

But don't get Him twisted though....He will send you "hints" and "attention-getters" on occasion, and sometimes they're not so nice. But He always know what's best, just trust Him.

We continue tomorrow!

So Much for Friends

On July 4th, my cell phone was disconnected. No, it wasn't because I didn't pay the bill or anythig like that. Can't Get Right had it permanently disconnected. How? Let me go back to the beginning.

When my phone with T-Mobile got turned off last year, I was screwed. I couldn't a cell line with Sprint in my name thanks to the WonderTwins sperm donor leaving me with a $1200 balance. T-Mobile lied to me on more than one occasion, so when I had the money to get my line back, they pulled something bogus. So I walked away from them. There was one person I knew I could call that would help me out, and that was Can't Get Right (known as The One back then). Sprint told him they needed $125 deposit for the line. He came up to my job, got the money, paid it at the store, and came back with my activated phone. I paid the bill and he did too. So, for the record, I wasn't just mooching off of him. But then the complaints started some months back everytime the bill came due. I knew once a month I would get a call from him about the damn bill. I could call him everyday for a week straight and not get him. But I knew, when the bill was due he'd be calling! This I began to dread.

I honestly don't know what happened. I was doing the girls' and my hair on the 4th, and missed several calls, one was from him. I called my mom back and a few minutes later when I tried to call Leigh back it gave the strangest message. I have dealt with a disconnected Sprint cell before, so if you try to make a call it just directs you to customer service to make a payment. This recording basically told me I wasn't even on the network!!! That told me he - for reasons unknown - permanently disconnected my line.

I called him at work to try and find out what happened. He called back and immediately started talking about his back and whatever. But by that time I was so THROUGH WITH HIM that he didn't even stop talking long enough to realize I don't freakin' care anymore! I have always been in his corner, even as DEAD ASS WRONG as he does our daughter --- scratch that --- MY daughter. The daughter who called him on Father's Day and left a voicemail and he never even called her back! I was worried about him, and would check on him when he was going through all the kidney issues and was trying to help with the back issues. So he repays me by turning off my phone, knowing I don't have a home phone either? He can kiss my wide, voluptuous, chocolate @$$!!!! I'm done. I wish him no ill-will, but the love I had in my heart all this time for him is gone. I finally see him for the selfish bastard he really is. And dammit, I love ME and MY DAUGHTER way more than anything I ever had for him! The likelihood of him getting my number is not very good at this point. We no longer have anything to discuss.

I am able to get a phone through Sprint that's coming in the mail next week. My mom put up the money for the deposit cause she couldn't bear the thought of me being without a phone for too long. It comes with a free pink Katana, which I will sell to the Kween for her daughter, and then activate my Treo on the new line.

Everything will be just fine. It will all work itself out in the end, and me and the kids will be okay.

Current book reading: Millionaire Women Next Door.

I made a Date!

Yeah, I know. Big news right? As if it's so hard for me to get a date! This is a friend from about two years ago that I met on yahoo personals, around the same time I met the PsychoRev. I chose the PsychoRev. Wow can I pick 'em!!!

His name is Henry. He's 6 foot 6, just turned 40, and has a daughter that he has joint custody of. He owns his own home and drives a nice car. He had been working at one of the local auto plants, but it's shut down until September. So, he's coasting on unemployment right now. I know he's not in a rush to do anything relationship-wise, so that makes us a good match at this point. I just want something to do, and someone to hang out with when I want to hang out. Henry fits that bill just dandy. He lives in North St. Louis (don't they all, apparently?) and I've visited him before. But, it was so long ago, I don't remember totally how to get there. I'll get directions when it's time.

I've got other stuff to tell about me and what's been happening, but I figured I would make this post specifically about me actually having a date in the near future! Gotta go!

Transformers Rules

Because I am a totally big KID at heart, I have been waiting on the Transformers live action movie since last year.

I was so not disappointed!!! They put together a wonderful cast and story, and I can't wait to own it! It is right up there with Armaggeddon (also directed by Michael Bay) and Independence Day for me...which now means I have a 3-way tie for my favorite movie! Yeah, I loved it that much.

Favorite song right now is Get Me Bodied by Beyonce. Enjoy the full-length video compliments of YouTube.

This was done June 26, 2007

I am posting this as I typed it a few days ago - when I was without internet:


Okay, so I chatted with the New Guy for a second tonight. I guess I have no choice but to get over him. There was so much I wanted to say to him but I refrained. It was hard. I think I actually broke a sweat.
We did the general chat for a second. He asked me how the move went and I told him fine. I asked how the job was going. He said he was in Cape Girardeau at a hotel and was lonely. I thought it neat that for the second I was online he was online too. The oddity was I was at my sister's house on her computer. My cable and internet will not be on until Saturday, so I just happened to be online at her house. He didn't get the cutesy humor in it...or didn't really care. Either way, it got under my skin. Something about the complete disregard for my feelings rubbed me the wrong way. So, then he said he was going to go get something to eat. My response was simply 'K....talk to you whenever'
He didn't like that very much. He 'virtually' stuck his tongue out at me!
I just told him I was hurt and I didn't understand what happened.
What was his response? After a long delay I got this: 'ok...I gotta go'
I signed out immediately. That really pissed me off.
I have to get over him. I can't see him recovering from this. I can't see me recovering from this. His complete disregard for my feelings over the past few months is just too much. I'm not crazy enough to say 'Never', but it would be a really hard sell on his part.
I'm tired. When does it get easy?

Your Alter-Ego can be a Good Thing

Have you ever heard the mega-star Beyonce talk about her alter-ago, Sasha? I just learned of Sasha a few weeks ago and, by jove, that's the most awesome thing in the universe!!!

You didn't know about Sasha? Well, let me enlighten you!

Beyonce actually lists herself as a pretty quiet and reserved person. However, there is NO WAY she could have achieved the level of superstardom - and subsequent persecution - without a pretty thick skin. Well, her answer to that has to do with when she goes on stage. She basically transforms herself into the diva-esque, no-holds-barred, singing-and-dancing-machine known as Sasha. In watching her in this on youtube today, I saw the difference.

I said all this to say what, you ask? Well if B can do it, then I don't feel so crazy admitting I have one myself.

Ok.......two.

There is the evil and ornery me, who I have always referred to as Toni. I've known about her since I was at least in my early teens. She didn't come out often, but hells bells when she did!!! She is like my champion, you know. When I have been hurt, she is the one to go and avenge my heartbreak. Kind of like Nikki/Jessica on Heroes, I suppose. I am trying my best to keep her at bay, but occasionally, I do let her out...so she doesn't tear me up inside.

The other I acquired last year I believe, while dealing with the PsychoRev. Her name is Nisi. Nisi is very devillish and um...well.....she's the vixen. That's about as politely as I can say it, without being crass. (think '304' on your nearest calculator) Nisi did some pretty scandalous things last year, even for my standards. But, all experiences have made me wiser and stronger, and I can finally say I am grateful for them. I was hoping to keep Nisi satiated with a trusted friend of mine but apparently I missed my window of opportunity. (A girl can still hope though....) There are always other options, and believe me, I know Nisi will find them!

Where did the names come from? My middle name is Tonise. You get it?

I promise I am not insane! Really! I don't speak about them in the third person or anything like that! I just know they are there and, like B and Sasha, they help me get through some of the rough patches.

Do you have an alter-ego? It's okay, you can tell me, it'll just be between us!

Friends You Can Depend On

I called my friend Cody because I needed my kids' beds put together, and noone else was able to help. Well, his car is still not running so I agreed to pick him up. He lives in St. Louis, and I'm in Belleville, but he did give me gas money. He didn't have to, since he was doing me a favor, so that was cool.

Well, by the time we got back to the house, all the kids were knocked out in the car. So that kind of defeated the purpose of the evening. I wanted him to put some stuff in the attic for me as well, but the entrance to the attic is in the girls' room, so we couldn't do that either.

So, we chilled for the evening, since this is only the 2nd time we'd seen each on person since about 10 years ago. We just caught up face-to-face on each other's lives. I told him about the ending to the sitch (situation) with The New Guy. He was telling me his latest baby momma issues. There is always something going on there! Well, he knows how to pick 'em is all I can say. But hell, who am I to talk? Look at the cream of the crop I ended up with?!

It's always good being around people that I can totally be myself with though. Like Robin Thicke says on his hit 'Lost Without U', they "love me and all my dirty". He just lets me be me. I don't feel judged or persecuted for the good or the bad things that I have ever done. Most of my friends are like family that way. Now they will keep me in check when need be. But as far as always feeling judged or like I'm on trial, that's a no.

So anyway, Cody and I got the boys' beds put up this morning and the girls' beds should be done by Tuesday. Eventually, I will get the other rooms straightened out. I had big plans to have it done this weekend but, after the stuff with the New Guy I just didn't have it in me.

The bright side to the ending of the relationship is that I won't have to deal with that up and down emotional roller coaster again. I am very proud of me for taking a stand for myself and my feelings.

Aren't you?

Saying Goodbye

So, now that I have officially exited the other house, I have a few fond memories of it.

 

Yes, they do have to do with sex.

 

Yes, I am going to tell you.

 

But first I will tell you my least fond memory of the house. The day my baby boy fell down the steps. I think I blogged about it. I’ll check when my internet is up at home.

 

My most vivid – but not fond- memory of sex in that house was in the beginning when the PsychoRev came to hit it one last time. He was in a bad emotional state (supposedly) and was contemplating ending his life that night. Before this, I already knew he was emotionally off balance. He wanted to come over and I really didn’t want him to, but ‘what if’ you know? I just couldn’t take that chance. So I let him come over at about 2am. I remember saying a prayer before I opened the door. I figure if he was suicidal, he could have been homicidal as well, and I just didn’t want my kids to find me dead in the morning. But, I let him in.

 

We went straight upstairs to the bedroom and had sex like we usually did. Definitely not bad sex but I just couldn’t get into it. Thank goodness this was one of those times the lights were off and it was dark, so he couldn’t see the tears wetting my face. I was actually afraid. So I let the detached me (known as Nisi, short for my middle name Tonise) go through this with him. Everything turned out fine, he left later that morning, and life moved on. Whew.

 

I made love to The One/Can’t Get Right in that house. We don’t have sex…it’s something way deeper than that. But it’s not good for me, so I don’t do it and haven’t done it in quite a while. I have done a darn good job of suppressing those 10year deep emotions, and will not sabotage that for physical gratification! He’s not mine, he’s still technically married, we are NOT together, and that’s that!!

 

The New Guy and I even had some beautiful moments in that house. The best being non-sexual. All the times we were intimate non-sexually. Just sleeping together, playing Scene It with the kids watching, laying on the couch watching Discovery Channel……

Okay, I’m getting upset thinking about him and how he totally SCREWED UP A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! So I must move on.

 

The most fond memory of all in that house is…..unexplainable. In all my experiences….EVER…..it was the best……EVER. From the couch to the steps to the bed to the chair in my room……WOW. Yes, I did say steps. I wonder will I ever in life be that lucky again. It’s great that I can replay it in my head when I need to, but watching it on a 32-inch TV wouldn’t be so bad either! I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

 

I am hoping to be that lucky again…and not before I’m too old to remember what’s like. Come to think of it….not too far from now wouldn’t hurt either.

Once again…..I’m a Scorpio…I have wants and I have needs! My problem is, they are usually the same. And if I can’t have what I want I would rather do without! Damn the astrological chart!!!!

I Moved

Yes!!! Be excited for me…I am out of the slumlord’s house!!

 

As with all change, I am worried that I jumped from the frying pan into fire. But that’s a natural ‘What if I made the wrong decision’ reaction.

 

My rent is lower which makes me happy. The kids – for the most part – are pleased with the move. Yes, they have some adjusting to do.

 

Bruzer was caught in the act by his auntie of fighting the teacher at school yesterday! Yes the Officer caught him hitting the teacher! My child! Hitting a teacher!!! In preschool!!!!

 

This is when that annoying little voice in the back of my head says “You should have stopped at 3!” LOL

But Hell, what fun would that be?

 

I called and talked to the teacher to get the skinny on what the heck happened. Apparently he had a bit of a meltdown after I left, and decided to go lay at the front door of the daycare center on the mat (can we say EWWWWWW?) sucking his beloved thumb. When the teacher discovered him and tried to get him back to the classroom, he went into full-on rage. This is right about the time the Officer was walking up. Yeah, it was on!

 

I talked to him last night and this morning. Okay threatened really, but hey whatever works, right? My mom even told him that if behaved that way again, he wouldn’t be able to buy a motorcycle when he got big. That was H-U-G-E to a 3 year old with an obsession with motorcycles!

 

I did also explain to his victim…err, teacher….that we just moved this weekend and the past few weeks since summer started I have been slacking on bedtimes. Trust me, these are not excuses but actual reasons. His behavior is completely unacceptable to me, and I don’t cut much slack on such behavior.

 

I won’t have my internet at home for another couple of days, so by the weekend, I will have several update posts that I’ve been writing at home offline.

This one I emailed from work. Ain’t technology beautiful!?

 

The Funniest Shoe-Shopping Event Ever!!!

So, it’s BOGO time at Payless, and I literally could not stand to look at Starr’s shoes one more day. Seriously, when we got home I wouldn’t even let her take the old tennis shoes to her room! I told her to put them straight in the trash!

I ended up going to Payless 2 days in a row. No, I am not balling like that (it’s Payless remember)! I went for Starr and then the next day remembered Bruzer really needed shoes too. The first day, I picked Starr up from summer camp early so she and I could go together. DJ is staying this whole week with his father, he will be home tonight. So, she and I enjoyed time to ourselves, without the distraction of the WonderTwins.

The fun began on the second day when I went with WonderTwins in tow. My oldest sister is out of town this week (if I haven't mentioned that already) so my mom picked up the kids the last three days. Well, on Wednesday she took them to McD's for Happy Meals. By the time I get off work and out to the parking lot where they were, they had drank all their juice and were just finishing up their food.

You know where this is going...don't you?

One thing about me when I get in shopping mode, I don't like to be distracted. Yeah me...Ms ADD herself, doesn't like to be distracted! Honestly, I HATE grocery shopping with my kids for the most part, though it is usually not avoidable. Oh no no, don't get me wrong. I don't have those kids. They will literally get beat down in the middle of the store, with no fear of legal interference! Okay, not beat down (for all you sensitive folks). But, the rod of correction will NOT be spared! It's not always needed, but if it is, it is well used.

Anyway back to the shopping. Five minutes into the store, Bruzer has to go to the bathroom.

"Mommy, I have go potty." "Can you hold it?" "No." "Fine, come on!"

Yes, I am visibly annoyed, but I try to keep my composure. Okay, back to shopping.

Ten minutes later, I hear this: "Mommy, I have go potty so bad." Yes! Bruzer again, saying this through clenched teeth as he was using all of his 3 year old might to hold it in! Mind you, he really did use it when we went a few minutes earlier.

Sidebar to note: Champagne also had to go in between his two trips. Of course they didn't have to go at the same time! That would have made things easy for me!!

So after another six pairs of shoes today at about $40, added to the six pairs the day before totalling about $60. Yes, I even got two pairs! Starr ended up with 4 pairs. Bruzer got 3 pairs. Champagne got 2 pairs. DJ even got a pair in his absentia! We finally left without any more trips to the facilities. Starr? Nah! She's like her momma, she can hold it all day!

Since the kids had eaten I decided to stop at Lion's Choice for a serious roast beef sandwiches. I felt Bruzer kicking the back of my seat as I waited on my food. So I turned around and his face was contorted in a combination of agony, determination, and fear. I asked what was wrong.

"I have to go potty so bad, Mommy." Clenched teeth again. Still haven't gotten my sandwich yet...what to do???

There it was in the cupholder! An empty McD's cup I had recently taking from Champagne! I have limo tinted windows in the back of my van so I did what I had to do.

"Starr, undo your brother's seat belt!" "Okay, pull down the front of your shorts and underwear. No! Just the front, buddy!" The pee has seeped through the front of his soccer shorts now. "Okay just pull em down and here!"

Yes, he basically mooned his sister (Champagne) since his bottoms were pulled down to his ankles....and he was standing right in front of her! Me saying 'here!' was sticking the cup directly over his "stuff" to catch the pee!

Okay, thank goodness after he was done is when she handed me my food bag! I drove around the corner to a parking spot. I told Bruzer to take off the wet clothes, and psuedo-wrapped his bottom in his swim/beach towel! Then, after getting out to pour the liquid into the grass, I readjusted his seat straps and put him back in his car seat!

Thank GOD we didn't have an accident in the five minutes it took to get home! Can you imagine how awkward that would have been to explain? Yeah, I shudder and laugh at the same time just thinking about it!!!

So, everytime I look at their new shoes, I will think of my half-naked child peeing in a McDonald's cup in the Lion's Choice drive thru!!!!

Disappointed

Yeah, it's late I know. But my brain is going in a bajillion different directions right now. Totally attention deficit at its finest.

So why disappointed? You know why? I just can't get him out of my head (or heart for that matter). Then there's that uber-logical side of me that's saying "It doesn't make sense" over and over in the back of my mind.

We talked about this stuff. We talked about what we had been through. We talked about what we wanted. We talked about what we didn't want. We talked about taking it a bit slower than we had in the past.

"It doesn't make sense."

A bit slower would be in direct contrast to the snail's pace we've been progressing at the past few months, by the way.

"It doesn't make sense."

I thought I had really found something. I thought we had really found something in each other. I haven't felt that way about anyone since Can't Get Right/The One....and you know that man had my heart on a timeshare for almost a decade!

"It doesn't make sense."

You know what? I know there was something special between us, and he knew it too! That's why he totally freaked out and froze up! I gave him time to himself to think things through, and he made a grave error. He ventured into the arena of overthinking! This means that he was so busy thinking about the 'what-ifs' and the very logistics of us being together (kids, school, church, relocation, money, etc) and not talking it out with me, he stopped moving forward in the relationship. But dammit, talking and communication was one of our strong suits! He picked a crappy ass time to clam up on me!

"It doesn't make sense."

Perhaps he's just not interested in me anymore, and doesn't know what to say? I sincerely don't think so. He's been taken through the ringer lately and it could appear to the untrained eye that I am pretty damn selfish bitchin' and complainin' while he's been dealing with his issues. I thought about that myself. But this distance and overthinking stuff started before the big bang happened in his world. PLUS, if you read my previous posts, life for me ain't been too peachy keen lately either.

My hope is that if he really wants to have a relationship, and it's with me anytime in the near future, he's ready to work. Oh no, I'm not expecting diamonds and pearls (though I wouldn't decline it either!). What I expect is to never again have to wonder if he's interested in me. What I expect is -- quite honestly -- for him to be the man he started out being, and that I truly believe he is.

Yep, it's still there: "It doesn't make sense."

p.s. Watch Deliver Us From Eva if you get a chance. She is my idol. If I could just be hard like her, this wouldn't happen to me! Apparently I let my guard down waaaaay too easily! Silly me, taking people at their word because what reason would they have to lie!? Dumb ass......




"It doesn't make sense."

Progress as Promised

I liked that title! That's what we see on the roads and stuff in the area of Illinois I live in. You know when they fix a pothole, expand a highway, or pave a road? Well, they know that we know that those are our tax dollars at work.

So really, they just want to rub our noses in it!

Anyway, today was a good day. I got the one thing I planned to do....done! I got the money I needed to move! I just need to schedule the moving truck and sign the papers (ie lease), and life is good.

Today, I will be packing.

No really, I will.

Seriously.

I want to get the kitchen and the bedrooms done. Once those are done, I will really feel like I made an accomplishment.

I will keep you posted, hopefully with more news and Progress as Promised.....

All By Myself

That's how I feel. That's how I want to feel.

I am so disillusioned with relationships right now, and black men in general.

I know, I know. I can't blame all for the faults of a few. But dammit, I've had my share of relationships with black men, and they've all ended up faulty. Yes, I was guilty sometimes as well, but that's not the point right now!

Isn't that one of the reasons the black guys date and marry women of another color?

They complain that black women have too much drama, and are too combative, and have too much attitude, and blah, blah, blah. But what about them?! They are so damn confused, it's infuriating! They SAY they want certain qualities in a woman, and when given the opportunity to have them, they FREEZE UP AND BOLT!!!

I'm tired and fed up! It's times like these I can see my sister's point about not wanting to date another black man again.

Forget Tyrone and Leroy. Bring on Juan, Rico, and Javier!!!!

(don't worry, I'll be better soon....)

The Update Post

So actually, I don't have much to say. I took the last two days off work. The initial intent was to get packing and things done but I really did more relaxing than anything! What did I accomplish? Well, let's see:

• I finally got an oil change for my van
• I went to both area Wal-Marts to pick up boxes (on separate days)
• Went to PetsMart for more boxes
• Cleared out my closet (except for things I will sell)
• Fixed the door from the house into the garage
• Washed up most of the clothing in the house
• Began boxing up the kids' closet clothes

You know, little things like that!

In case I haven't said it, yes I did get the duplex that I liked. Now it's a matter of coming up with the money for the deposit. I have simply told my family I will have it, because I don't want them to stress about it too bad. I am off work again on Tuesday, so that will be my "money hunt" day. Originally, I told the people we could meet to sign the lease on Tuesday, but since I'm going to combine payroll with the money I find (which isn't until Friday) I'm gonna have to push that back a few days.

The good thing is that gives me the entire month of July to "recover" before rent is due in August. August is also one of those nifty 3 payday months people love so much. In this case, it means I have both full checks in July to play with, and the 1st and 3rd check in August to cover rent for August and September. However, if something at my job doesn't change real soon, I won't be there in August to enjoy the 3 paydays. I got an email from the other woman working til 6p with me (yes, she's back to her shift now) that our manager tried yet again to get the "powers that be" to change our hours to close at 530p, but they are just not going for it. She said before she knew it she told him, "Well then you're probably gonna lose two more agents soon." She said she just couldn't help herself!

Honestly, I know my manager has done all that he can do. So my next step is to take advantage of the "open door policy" of his manager and explain my viewpoint to her. I'm trying my best to hang in there and build a little longevity, but this is ridiculous! I am toying with the idea of emailing the HR recruiter at the bank I worked temp at downtown St. Louis last year, also emailing my resume to the CEO's admin who I worked with. Something has gotta give, and since I don't think it will be CWT, it's gonna end up being me!

I think the New Guy has gotten himself confused into thinking there's someone else in my life. I think that's been one of the big deals and the reason for the distance. A little while back he read my blog about the day the Commander came over, and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! Yes, I corrected him on it, but I don't think that helped. It went into the "he's been hurt too many times in the past and he just doesn't think he could handle it again, so he's being really cautious with me" role! Like my heart hasn't been stomped into the ground quite a few damn times either!!! But what he seems to forget is that when I was all gung-ho and thinking things were going great between us, who backed away with a story about wanting to 'pursue other options'? Hmmmmmm. Like I told him, I met the Commander during the time that he kicked me to the curb. If it wasn't for the fact that the Commander wasn't so anti-relationship (from Day One), New Guy wouldn't have been able to come back into my life after leaving me high and dry. But, the Commander and I (just like me and the Major) ARE FRIENDS.

So why do I have to keep jumping through hoops to prove my intentions are for him? Yet all I'm getting from him over the past 2 months is increasing shows of disinterest? Yeah, guess who is feeling like a fool right now? I let my guard down twice with him, and twice got stepped on.

It's funny how those people who are always trying to protect themselves from being hurt, always manage to hurt someone else.

Twice.......

I entered a Blog Contest!!

I realize the likelihood of winning is slim but...I entered anyway. Here's the details:

It's thrown by blogger This Ecclectic Life and the contest is called This Blog Blows My Dress Up!

I peeped the info off MamaMilton's blog. You should check her out too!

Got a funny blog or something funny that you haven't blogged yet? Enter it! I just did!

Lot Going On.....

Yes, yes, I know. My posts have been pretty general the last few days. No real info about what's going on with me. Not with the world, or even my world, but with me.

I will post a full series of updates by tomorrow. I just have a lot going on, most self-inflicted I will admit. But I am tired of feeling and living this way, and I HAVE to get better. Now or Never!

The personal front is still very confusing. I don't know what the status is with the New Guy. So, if I tell myself that we are just friends, then I'm not very upset about it. While that is a dangerous thing for me to do, he has left me no other choice but to think that's what we are. If this is what it's like to be in a relationship with him for real, I'm gonna have to pass!

So, be prepared for probably two, long catch-up posts tomorrow!

I'm Trying...

...to watch Tyler Perry's House of Payne television series on TBS.

I watched last week and was .... umm ..... less than impressed. I missed the episode with Madea on it, but caught the one with Mr. Brown.

So, here I am. Week 2. Trying to watch and support my people. I totally LOVE the plays and the movies that HE WROTE, but this is not good. It struggles to get laughs and - so far - has not been successful with me yet!

Hopefully, it will get better...

What-----The--------&*@#^%!!!!!!!

 

I am so pissed off right now! The Georgia State Attorney General needs his ass whooped. I mean whooped like when your grandmother told YOU to go out and pick YOUR OWN SWITCH…then she would sit in front of you and braid them together! Then and only then was she properly prepared to WHOOP YOUR BEHIND (and whatever else got in the way).

 

Just for the record, that was actually a fond memory, just the way it was.

 

So why am I pissed off? Because the evil-assed State’s Attorney filed an appeal, which will keep Genarlow Wilson in jail.

 

 

JUSTICE IS SERVED!!!

This story makes me very happy! Don’t forget to watch the video off to the side. I actually had tears in my eyes watching the mother and the attorney.

This is truly something that should have NEVER happened!

 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/11/teen.sex.case/index.html

 

Saturday's News

Today was good day. I went to see a couple of places and - God's will - I may have found a new domicile!

I first went to the one I mentioned yesterday. I wasn't impressed with the outside and was equally pleased with the inside. Oh, it wasn't dirty or rundown or anything like that. It just didn't move me. You know? But, I knew I would take it if nothing else came about. The good thing was that the current tenant actually did the showing, so I got to find out about the landlord and the neighborhood. Both received positive reviews.

I had quite a but of fun with her Newfoundland dog and her sibling cats. The dog was just a big old baby, truly a gentle giant. Most would have been afraid jsut because of his size, but you could look in his eyes and tell his disposition. Or, maybe it's just me! The cats were funny, brother and sister, one gray w/white markings and the other black w/ the same white markings. The gray one, the boy, was mean as fire she said. But the girl was hilarious, she was very sociable and frisky almost like a dog. She better be careful or she'll have her cat privileges revoked for that kind of behavior!

So I enjoyed the visit, but not the place. I did another drive-thru of the popular duplex subdivision near my house and came up short. Also, the 'For Rent' sign my sister mentioned down the street from her, was a 2BR, which I couldn't take occupancy of a 2BR with my amount of children. So, feeling rather dejected I stopped by home and checked the computer classifieds one more time, just in case something showed up. Well, something did. A 3BR/1BA duplex near the middle of town, on the high end of my budget! I called and talked to the wife who gave me the address and told me to driveby and see what I thought. She told me she had to work all day but perhaps her husband could show it today. I called when I got there, told her I liked it and asked if she could see when he would be available. He said 10 minutes, so we waited.

This is the time I chose to formally share with the children that we are moving, and that if we got that place, they would probably have to change schools. Starr was very excited, since she'd be going to the school with her cousins. But DJ was not as thrilled, understandably. He was going to be going to the middle school next year! This one district has middle school grades 5-8. I apologized to him and said this is something we need to do, there are very few other choices. He went back to reading his book.

It has charm. It has the character that older houses do. I will have to compromise big time on the bedrooms (me in the smallest downstairs). It has a well fenced and gated backyard. I like it. I will keep praying (and you too please) that this is the one for us! It had it's quirks and stuff but so does everyplace, and I'm willing to "gamble" here.

Time Will Reveal......

A Good Day

Nothing fantastic happened today, which is good. I think I found a storage unit if I'll need one.
I am also going to look at a place tomorrow, and hopefully I will find it sufficient. It is a 3br brick duplex, should be available in a week, and he is motivated to get it rented. It's not very far from here, so although it's out of the kids school district, I should be okay. Depends on how things go in the next year of my life as to whether they will be required to change schools or not, so I don't want to do it if I don't have to.

I am looking for boxes currently, and may have found a source through my local freecycle chapter. I scored big last year when one lady worked at Wal-Mart and she saved out a massive amount of boxes for me. Yes, I am looking for her now!

Things are starting to get a little brighter for the New Guy, which I am pleased about. He was getting very depressed. Now there is one more hurdle he needs to jump and he'll be on his way to being back on track again. I am concerned that this whole situation may have shaken him so much that he will retreat farther than even I want to follow.

So, hopefully I will have more to report tomorrow on this place that I will look at. Something good to report. I just can't wait until things are settling with me again. Then I can decide to find another job, because I still don't feel anything is gonna change where I am. And the natives (read: my sisters) are getting restless!

Well, It's Finally Official

I will be moving - finally - from this house. My lease ends in July, but due to kinda foreseen circumstances, I should be outta here by the end of June.

It's a lot of my fault and a lot of theirs (slumlords), and I'm just happy it is coming to an end...no matter how unpleasant this ending will be. And it will be unpleasant.

Which leaves me to start packing up my entire house. I am also going to try and line up those that will help me move as well. I really don't want my family to have to do too much of anything. Even if I have to pay some teenagers to load and unload, I need this to go as seamless as possible.

I am in the process of searching for a storage unit and man!!! When did they get so expensive?? Needless to say, it's been a while since I rented a storage unit.

In other news, I talked to the New Guy yesterday and I am so on-the-fence at this point. Why? Well, I have been patient by request for several weeks now, while he figures out if this is where he truly wants to be (or something along those lines). Part of it had to do with me revealing my lifelong medical condition to him and him having to debate and decide if it's something he can live with for the duration of our mortal lives. So, I've been patient and quiet and understanding - for WEEKS!! Then to make matters worse, he is now in the process of going through a major upheaval - enough to knock anyone on their arse - for the past couple of weeks. Well, so I'm expected to be even more patient at this point and I know I need to give him the time and space to take care of these very important matters at hand.

But!! ( you didn't think there wouldn't be one, did you?) I feel as if I'm about to explode if I don't tell him how I feel. So, I talked to him yesterday and told him first off that I really missed him and secondly that I don't feel as if he's that interested in me. Well, of course I got the 'Be patient I'm really going through something' shpeel, which was totally valid. But what annoyed me is that he mentioned nothing else about how I felt. Okay I know it's not really important on his mind right now, so I have to rest in the fact that my words are still rattling around in his head and he will address it later.

Meanwhile, I am more vulnerable as time goes on. I have been feeling this way for a while now, and I don't know how much longer I can allow myself to go through this without feeling like an idiot. I mean, we see each other occasionally (like once a week, maybe) which I can deal with. What I can't deal with too much longer is not hearing from him for a few days. Like I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of the time if I don't call him or text him first...I won't hear from him. Honestly, I have started to feel like I am chasing him, and that is a bad thing. A very bad thing. (I'll post about me and chasing men another day) The bottom line is, if I feel like I am chasing him for too much longer, I'm gonna totally back down. If that happens, there's no guarantee he'll be able to woo me back. IF he even wants to.

Yeah I really am wondering.

And, to make matters worse, there is a tiger stalking his prey (me) not too far away...

Is it Just Me or....

……can Rihanna totally NOT sing???

The SOS song is cute and does a good job of masking her voice. However, the worst thing she could have done was release a ballad! I thought my ears were gonna bleed when I heard that crap! I don’t even remember the name of the song. The experience was so traumatic, my brain blocked all memory and sensory perceptions!

Now the new one, Umbrella?? Jay-Z is without a doubt the best part of the song. Thank goodness he’s in the beginning so I can change the station after his part is done. She can’t sing AND it’s a crappy song? Double Negative!!

But, she is gorgeous. She would have made an awesome print and runway model! Just don’t let her sing, for the love of Pete!!!

But, who asked me?

I SOLD IT!!!!!

That's right! I sold my van today!



Thank You God!!



My sister blessed me with $400 on Friday!



Thank You God!!!



I have a beautiful deposit to make to my bank account this morning, that feels wonderful. Unfortunately, as much as I would like the money to just go towards the very behind rent, part of it needs to cover the very rubber check I wrote to daycare on Friday so the WonderTwins could keep attending! Hey, you do what you gotta do! Now, I don't usually write bad checks, especially to people who keep my children. This was considered a floater, especially since my sister gave me the money and I knew I had 2 deposits coming early in the week. But man, this blessing was beyond!

This will be a good week at work. I am speaking it into existence! There will be a lot of reading and refocusing going on, aside from the people asking me if I miss Kween, who's on vacation. I already told my manager Friday, it's not like we won't be chatting frequently anyway!

But anyway, I can devote some serious time to reading positive things and perhaps some Bible study between calls (I want to delve into Romans) if I'm lucky. The next thing on my list is getting rid of things from this house. I am seriously going to plan a yard sale for Saturday morning. I need to get neon paper for the signs, and I want those up no later than Wednesday. I think 8am to noon will be good, as long as the kids are under control. Actually, if I let them stay up late Friday night, the WonderTwins especially won't wake up til at least 930a-1030a (fingers crossed).

So that'll be one of my work projects as well, making a list of what to sell and at how much. I have a ton of clothes for starters, and then lots of household items. Prayerfully, I will end up with another 200-300 after the sale is over. And since Friday will be a payday, it'll be great to put that together and take it straight to the slumlord.

I'm still wondering if I should start applying for other jobs yet. I really believe I need to, as it is not just the hours at this one that are the problem. The pay is good and the location is convenient, but as far as flexibility, that's just not there. It's unrealistic to expect people not to need any days off between now and September because when the next open day is on the vacation calendar, because only one person can be off at a time. Yeah, that's my job right now. I would have to schedule all interviews for either after hours, or the week I'm off in July! For the remainder of my Corporate America time - however long that may be - I want to work where they treat you more like a grownup! Most days there, I really do feel like a kid.

Meanwhile, I am still praying and searching for another place to live...before they decide to kick me out!

The Circus Came to Town

Saturday was a cool day. I did absolutely nothing until about 530p. We were supposed to be going to the circus with my sisters at 7p. But my couch was loving me so well that I really didn't want to leave it!

The oldest two were dressed already, so I just had to get the WonerTwins dressed and then myself. I tell you, being naturally cute has its advantages, it really doesn't take a lot for me to get ready! (I'm still working on the modesty thing, it comes and goes)

DJ saw his bff Jason (and family and scout troop) there, so he sat with them the first half of the show, then came down there with us for the second half. I'm still really bitter that he missed this entire year of Boy Scouts because of my piss-poor work schedule, as did Starr/Space Cadet missed Brownies.

All in all they had a great time. We usually go to the parade that Friday night. But with my niece's "graduation" picnic at daycare, I was tired by the time I left there at 8p. So I told the kids we weren't doing the parade this year but we were going to the circus the next day, and as usual they were cool with it.

So, what did I do vegging out on the couch all day? Well I did start one load of laundry, and that was it. No really, it's not even done yet, nor is it fully loaded. I'll finish it up this evening. I got to chat with the Major for a little while, in addition to the Commander. We don't chat much anymore, especially right now as he's busy building his new website from scratch. Yeah, he's one of those people! I'm all Yahoo SiteBuilder or bust, and he's writing code page for page!!!

My newest addition is finding an old boyfriend from 9th grade online! How funny is that! I was on Black Planet the other day looking around. I figured I would check guys around my age in my home city and where I live now to see if there was anyone I knew. I had already done the women a few weeks ago. I was so surprised to see his face, so I sent him a message and an add request. We emailed for a couple of days then added each other to our yahoo IM friends list and spent a few hours chatting yesterday. Bob and I "dated" (read:went together, as no actual dates took place) in 9th grade second semester. He was so cute and sweet and innocent, and just adored me! He asked me yesterday why I even dated him in the first place because he was a quiet little 'nobody' and I was so popular. I gave him the reasons I just mentioned, plus the fact that I was really into light-skinned (read: yellow) guys at the time. In the words of one of my best friends at the time: 'Light, Bright and Damn-Near White'!

What???

Anyway, I gave him my cell number and we talked for a few minutes while I was at the circus. He has a really great personality and fun sense of humor. He even has sarcasm! So, we've been catching up on each other's lives throughout the past 18years (feeling a little old right now). He has four children, 2 boys and 2 girls, just like me. But as is with most people I went to school with, his are much older than mine. Darn me for doing things in the right order!

The biggest news of Saturday was the significant amount of communication between me and the New Guy! We talked for about 30minutes early in the day. 30 minutes! He even initiated a couple of text messages to me! I really do think things will be okay between us. I know he cares and I know I care, but we are both going through major transitions right now. Perhaps when this all blows over and settles down for both of us, things will become a little more defined.

As always, I'll keep you posted!

Can you be Turned Homosexual?

I realize I may offend some with this post, but I cannot apologize. I will give you this disclaimer: I had a brother (that I truly adored) who was openly gay, that died of AIDS-related complications in 2000. I have another brother who, though he hasn’t ‘come out of the closet’, we all suspect he is and LOVE HIM REGARDLESS. Now having said that, here’s where this post came from.

I just read a story from the March 26, 2007 issue of People. It was about CNN Anchor Thomas Roberts. I really didn’t know him from Adam before reading this article, but I’ll give you the basic story:

After living with this secret for almost two decades, Thomas Roberts revealed first to his sister in 2004 what had happened. From age 14 to 17, he was molested by the chaplain of his Roman Catholic high school. This man, Rev. Jerome Toohey, Jr., was very well regarded and admired by students and parents alike. In 2005 a 34-year-old Roberts pressed charges against his abuser, who pleaded guilty to child sexual abuse and served 10 months in prison. “What happened to me was a selfish and disgusting thing to do to a kid,” says Roberts. Toohey was instrumental in getting Roberts into a boys’ school that had once turned him down. After the parents divorced 1987, the mom thought Toohey would be helpful in helping Roberts to cope with the situation. After [in my opinion] far too many overnight visits to Toohey’s home, the molestation began. “It was very methodical,” recalls Roberts of the priest’s gradual advances. “He tested the boundaries.”

“I was 14 at the time. I had never had any sexual experiences and didn’t even know my body could do that. After the first time, my whole body went tense. I was in shock and so scared. I remember Father Jeff saying, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’” After the abuse began, Roberts didn’t know where to turn. On Nov. 1, 1987 he decided ‘This has got to end’, so he swallowed a bottle of his mom’s muscle relaxants. His sister Patsy found him and called paramedics. Toohey comforted the boy – and molested him for another two years.

Here’s what struck me in the article: Why did Roberts, a successful journalist now in a long-term relationship with another man, wait so long to reveal his sexual abuse?

You know how the abused oftentimes become the abuser? It’s usually because that is all that they know, whether right or not. I wonder if that is what happened in this case? He had never had any sexual experiences before, so this was his introduction into the world of sex. I would imagine, he possibly had sex with a woman during college or something. But, what if? What if what that mentally ill, sexually perverse, sham of a representation of God Almighty (Who he will have to contend with, by the way) actually caused this man to turn out this way?

Just something to make you wonder?

Memorial Day

I know it's a little late but, whatever!

Remember the whole 'house is a mess' thing? Well considering my family was coming over, that had to change. So I spent Sunday cleaning, went to bed late, then woke up Monday morning very early and started again. I did a pretty good job, so I am pleased. So was everyone else who knows what my place usually looked like. My oldest sister walked in and said 'Wow' before she knew it. That was a complement.

No! I didn't just hide the stuff in a cabinet or closet! I actually cleaned. Then, I barbecued. Nothing spectacular, just hot dogs, hamburgers, and brats. I didn’t like the burgers I got from Wal-Mart, so I won’t buy those again. I also grilled a sliced pineapple, and cooked some garlic butter shrimp on the grill. I say cooked because I thought I had skewers to actually grill the shrimp, but apparently I didn’t. Maybe next time…

I had a house full, and it was fabulous. We did manage after not one but two trips to Sam’s to get a cake for DJ. The first time, on Sunday, the only cake they had that was marble had a very obvious and poorly repaired crack across the front of it. For some reason, all the Memorial Day cakes were white cake. So we went back Monday morning and got a very multi-colored marble cake.

The New Guy came over and spent some time as well, which I was excited about. No, I still don't know what the status is, but right now we both have too much going to really focus on it.

If I keep telling myself that, maybe eventually I'll believe it!