PsychoRev, The Dark Period

The Dark Period? Dramatic? Yes. Inaccurate? Not at all. It wasn't so much that he was so bad, but my self-esteem and self-worth had hit an all time low. Okay, he was really that bad too. He didn't get the name PsychoRev as a pun.

I met him on yahoo personals, and he seemed to be really perfect. We hit it off online, chatting up a storm. He was a career Air Force man, about a year and a half from retirement, yet only in his late 30s. He had been married before, as had I. He had children already, and was fine with the fact that I had children. Wait...

Let me interject to say that time, I was only interested in certain criteria while dating. I preferred that he have kids already (since I was surgically altered after Bruzer). I preferred that he have been married before, that way no glossed over ideals of what marriage should be like. High on the list was that he not be looking to casually date, that he was looking for a serious long-term commitment. I was not so much interested in dating for the sake of dating, that was a waste of time and energy in my eyes. So this one, was spot on in all those categories.

To top it off, he was an ordained Baptist minister (thus the Rev" part). Me? A first lady of a church? Oooooh, I could do that most definitely! We were dating at the beginning of that year, and at that time I kinda wanted to play around a bit, so we slowed down and stopped talking for a while. I was casually dating Henry at that time, and talking to this other guy I went to high school with. Nothing physical was going on with either of them. Then there was Lloyd. We were business associates and friends by day, and at night....well, he was a November Scorpio, need I say more? We were definitely never to be an item, too many fundamental differences (Christian - Muslim, things like that), but we enjoyed each other's company and friendship. So while I wasn't physical with any of the other guys, he kept me satisfied so I didn't reach "hoe" status with my insatiable appetite!!

So, after several months, Lloyd and I broke it off and then William (real name) and I started a chat one night. That chat lasted 5 hours, then we talked on the phone for another 3 more! Things were just clicking. He told me that he had already fallen for me from when we were dating before. I didn't really notice it then that he harbored ill-will towards me for being honest and saying I wasn't ready to commit at that time. As far as looks, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't someone I would have picked off the street either. He wasn't fat nor chubby even, but he definitely had a gut. He was great and very adventurous in the bedroom, so that was a plus...at first.

By this time, a few weeks into dating the second time, we were already planning marriage for February. It was November. We waited a little bit and then told the kids together around Christmas, and then the rest of the family after that. He was all gung-ho to be in the 'daddy' role, which was a big deal to me. He was a little more strict than I cared for and regrettably it took me a while to stand up for my kids. He wasn't abusive, don't get me wrong, but I'm hard enough on them as it is, and he felt they should be Stepford kids. Mind you, he had about five kids of his own, but only had a relationship with one! Yet another red flag.

We had a normal conversation one day, and I casually told him that I was seeing someone else intimately when we were talking before. I reminded him that I did tell him I was seeing other people, but apparently he felt me actually sleeping with someone else was different. As I told him then, it wasn't his business to know. Things went downhill from there. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married anymore, which was a big deal for me, because I was so caught up in being embarassed by having to say the wedding was off.
My self-esteem and self-worth issues were so out-of-control at the time, I was just "grateful" that he wanted to marry me in the first place! Yeah, I was bad. I told you before about "Why would anybody want to marry the woman with four kids by three different fathers" phenomenon that was going on in my head, didn't I? That caused me to make some bad decisions over the past few years truly. But God saved me from anything worse happening.

Anyway, we went through some really bad times and did some very questionable things in our social life. So much so, that I pray he NEVER gets to pastor his own church anywhere, because (like I feel about my former slumlord) he is a SHAM!! A wolf in sheep's clothing! I pray noone ever has to rely on him for their salvation. He kept trying to make me into this vision of a perfect first lady that he had in his head. I finally felt like he wasn't seeing me for who I was, he was seeing me for who he wanted to make me into. That's not a good feeling. Now, when I met him I had on colored contacts. All of a sudden, as time went on, that changed. "No wife of mine should be wearing colored contacts." Same things for the phony ponies and wigs I wore on occasion. One day, being who I am, I wore my contacts to a bible study he was teaching at my church. He didn't even speak to me the whole night! Wouldn't answer my calls later or anything! So, still trying to be the conformist and to prove my loyalty to him, I tossed them all. My contacts, my wigs, and my ponytails. (Yes, of course I regretted it later.)

The wedding was moved back to June, since we still had issues that needed to be worked out according to him. He was still very bitter over the Lloyd thing. I bought a wedding dress, and even went to my cake tasting with my cousin. I was still trying to live the illusion. One day, I just couldn't take not being seen and loved for who I was anymore. I called it off. The phrase in my mind at the time was from the book of Job. To paraphrase: "That which I have feared the most has come upon me." It wasn't so hard telling people I wasn't getting married. It was a relief actually. He pleaded with me to give it another try, because he could see so much "potential" in me. I told him that was the problem, he needed to just see me.

One night, I don't remember how it happened but he got in a bad way. Very depressed and erratic behavior, very strange questions. Questions like, "Will life insurance pay the beneficiary if the person commits suicide?" Then he reminded me of an event early in his military career that a relationship ended poorly and he ended up with a gun to his head and spent time in the psych ward. He had "logically" decided that he was going to end his life this night, unless I let him come over because he needed "closure". Yeah, it was a lie I'm sure...but considering the fact that I knew he was crazy by now, I didn't want to take a chance. That was the night I talked about when I left the old house that I prayed my kids didn't find me dead in the morning.

I told him how I felt that night when I talked to him the next day, and that sent him reeling again. At that point, I was through though, I didn't care what happened to him. Somewhere along the line, he developed a hate for me, like I was the bad guy in the whole relationship! He sent me an email to brag about how, just 2 months after that crazy night, he had gotten married. He said very mean and hateful things in there about how he never intended to marry me, and blah blah blah. I doubted then that he was actually married, though I knew it could be possible if he found another poor gullible desperate soul as I had been. Seeing his car at that same apartment yesterday confirmed he lied. Good. I hope he is truly miserable. But more than that, I hope he NEVER realizes his dream of starting his own church, for the sake of whatever people's lives he would have influence over. Because I know the things I know about him, I personally feel he needs to "give back" his ordination, if that's even possible.

Yes, he really was that bad.

Yes, I am much stronger, and more confident in the wonderful woman I am now, four kids and all. Don't get me wrong, those poisonous thoughts still get me every now and again, but I make a conscious effort to choke them away. I know who I am, how absolutely fabulous I am, and I know Whose I am! We live and we learn, and we all earn our stripes in different ways. That which does not kill me, ALWAYS makes me stronger!