Anxiety

Please bear with me today. I have a mountain of anxiety building up and I feel like this volcano is about to blow its top off soon.

Why so much anxiety? Well, I am supposed to be going on a trip with the kids and my sisters to Holiday World in a few days. As of today, I have the money. However, that money also needs to cover getting my car repaired (otherwise it's not 4-hr highway driveworthy), plus hotel, plus admission, PLUS gas, PLUS food. That would also leave me mostly broke for the rest of the week. But the thought of letting the kids down like that is just too much. There's also the fact that this is the first of the month, and I really need to start holding this money aside for either rent to my new bank landlord, or as a deposit for a new place. Speaking of new places, there's another piece of anxiety. I want to move into a house, and I want it to be here in the same school district, because I don't want my kids to have to change schools again. There is the anxiety of having to apply again for a home, knowing I will face the obstacle of non-traditional income. But I promise you this, I will make a way when that time comes...whether I am completely truthful or not. I have nowhere else to go.

There's the anxiety that my unemployemtn will run out sooner than later, and I must be able to replace that income. I do plan to remain a full time student, and I know I can live off that money but just barely. I do not plan to get rid of Sears so that could very well be an additional $700 or so a month, yet still not nearly enough. I know it's time to crap or get off the toilet. It's press time, it's time to relentlessly pursue clients and income. It doesn't help that everytime I have a serious conversation with the man I've been with for the past year and a half plus (and that I assume will lead to a longer-term commitment), I am reminded of my financial inadequacy. No, no, he doesn't say it directly. Well, except that one time he was mad. But, it's the constant reminder of him not wanting to "go backwards"...because his ex-wife didn't work for a large part of their marriage. What's annoying is that when we talked about how he felt about a housewife a few times previously, he said he had not problem with it. But it seems as things get more serious between us, he didn't really mean what he said. Now to get this straight, I am not expecting a white knight to come and rescue me and my children and completely take care of us (though I may not complain if it happens:) ). But the way I feel is this, there is no reason for a woman with no children to not be going to work everyday unless she is physically or mentally unable to. That statement may be a blow to women's lib or WHATEVER, but that's how I feel. Especially since now, I have to bear the ill-feelings of it.

Then there's the anxiety of him coming home, and what that will do to our relationship. Certain things I allowed because of the distance will no longer be okay with me. I'm not a casual dater, so I am hoping he realizes that there is a "goal" in mind for this relationship. Will we survive that? Some don't, that's just reality. I worry that he'll be so deadset against what he doesn't want based on his relationship with the ex that our relationship will become collateral damage.

Soon I will have some good news. I promise.