The Eve of Christmas Eve

That it is. I have basically finished what little shopping I am doing this year. I already told the Delightful Children it would be a lean Christmas this year. But I had a great day with my big sis, Leigh today. Dante and I are currently in the Friends with Benefits category currently, mainly because I'm greedy. Sure, he thinks it's him but this is all about me and what I want. We have been having good conversation, mainly as friends because that's all we are. He has a girlfriend, and it's not me.

I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!

I. WAS. WRONG.

I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.

I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:

It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!

Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.

On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.

What God has for me, it is for me.