Gaining Clarity

So I have been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days. I feel kinda lousy because I talked to the bff about it, and I think I may have thrown her off-kilter too! Things still aren't quite right there either.
Sometimes it's best to keep your utter confusion to yourself, noone else needs that kinda crap in their life! :-)

Here's the deal: I am torn in a thousand different ways by just about everything in my life right now. I have been really enjoying my time not doing the full time thing, but I believe my vacation is over now. No, no, no...that doesn't mean I am going to make myself miserable and go get another j.o.b. That means I am about to get to work! I want to help people make the best of their lives. There are two ways I can do that. One is by helping them plan vacations and trips to get away from the stress of it all, and by arranging business trips that keep them moving at the 'speed of business'. (I love that phrase) Two is by assisting small businesses and sole proprietors with the day-to-day admininstrative tasks that keep them from doing the work they love. Most importantly, I just have to stop being such a "fraidy cat" about getting out there and making my self known!

Okay, so that's issue #1. Issue #2 is a little more delicate! Yes, matters of the heart.

So Starr's father and I had a talk the other day. Yes of course there are still feelings there. There probably always will be, so that's a non-issue. The question is do we want to give one last college try to see if we really have a shot at this working out? Seems simple doesn't it? Yeah well...wait, there's more! He is with someone, and she is currently wearing a ring that he put there. I am still with Dante and, although I say I don't know what we are or where we are going, I can't imagine giving him up. BUT!! (famous last words) What if Dante and I really are all we are ever going to be?? What if CGR and I pass on this opportunity now that we are older and (allegedly) wiser, and miss what was really meant to be? What if we both end our other relationships, get together, find out it doesn't work, then realize we were already with who we were supposed to be with??


Your head would explode if this was you, wouldn't it???

Honestly, I can see things both ways. I can see him and me getting together, moving away with the kids to start our life (back in San Diego likely), and growing old together. I can see us being truly happy. BUT, then again. I can also see us being friends forever and nothing more. AND, I can see myself getting preggers at least 2 more times and having children with Dante. (Or Dwayne Johnson, I haven't decided which yet) He really is an awesome guy, and I've told Can't Get Right that...on more than one occasion. He pointed out to me that I am more attached to Dante that I am letting on...even to myself. I know there is truth to that, but I am still in protective mode when it comes to that situation. This could be his way to kill time until his divorce is actually final, then I'm all lovestruck and he's like "Thanks for the ride Lady!" (No, I absolutely do not think in any way something like that would happen. I am just being dramatic for effect!)

I am not fond of the person Can't Get Right is with, never have been really. But it has nothing to do with him, she and I went to the same high school....and I didn't like her then!!! Just one of those people that never rubbed me the right way. However he loves her and she treats him well and that will have to be good enough for me.

So why are we trying to mess with fire? To put it exceptionally mildy, the love is strong within us both. However, I just don't think it's enough to be willing to hurt others for our selfish whims. We are not those type of people, we never will be, and we would never feel right about it if we tried to be. So likely, he and I are all we ever will be, unless some serious Divine intervention happens and gracefully removes these others from our lives. Considering they have 2 children together now, that ain't likely to happen!

But, what if....