IT GOT WORSE

The day started out just fine. Church was awesome. Spent some time at my grandmother's with my family. My ex came and picked up DJ and Bruzer when him and his girlfriend got out of church. About 30 minutes before I planned to leave, I got a phone call that was blocked. Thinking it could be business-related, I answered it.

It was not.

It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.

I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.

As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.

The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.

First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!

I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.

I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.

I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.

This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.

I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.

Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!