Fear Conqueror: One at a Time

So, somewhere along the lines I got afraid to express my true feelings. Especially to Dante. I mean really, who want to take the risk of exposing themselves and it doesn't get reciprocated? We've all seen the comedies: "I love you Brad." "Uh yeah, me too."

Who wants that in real life? But you know what? WE only get one go around in this life, and why have any regrets? Life is entirely too short to NOT tell people how we feel about them. This applies to family too, you know. My sisters and my mom all end our conversations with "luv you", but it has become a little commonplace - though we absolutely mean it. So every now and then, we will make a specific statement to let one another know how we feel.

So, then there was another elephant in my proverbial living room that I had to face. Not hinting around to it, but actually telling Dante that I loved him. We talked about this long ago, and he told me that's something he's pretty serious about. You know, not saying those three words unless he truly means it. So, Miss Quick-to-fall has been pretty reserved about her feelings for him. For the most part of this almost 1 year relationship (October 17,2007 is when we met in person), I have refused to even acknowledge to myself that feelings of love could be there.

That is called living in fear. I have let fear consume me in too many areas of my life for far too long now. I will NOT be fear's prisoner anymore! (Sometimes, I wonder if I really told New Guy enough that I loved him - or at all)

Today my Punkin had a pretty rough day. Something happened that really threw him off his rocker. I don't think I have ever seen him that way, and I tell you I hated to see him leave. I just wanted him to stay with me so I could just hold him and love on him. You know what that's like, right? Well anyway, I was laying on his chest while we were sitting on the couch. I looked up into his face and right into his eyes and said, "I Love You, you know." "He looked back at me for a few moments, and with all sincerity said, "I know."

You know what? I was okay with that answer! Because I for darn sure didn't want him to tell me because he felt obligated. This way, I know when and/or if he does say, he will truly mean it. PLUS, I didn't do it just for reciprocation either. I said it because I meant it, and no other reason but that!

Let's see what's next on my Fear Conquering list! I'll keep you posted on my next victory when it happens!!

Surprise, Surprise!

I had a headache yesterday, so I went to bed pretty early (like 1030P). I sent Dante a text message to tell him my head was hurting and I was going to bed. He told me earlier when we talked that he was going over to his cousin's house to hang out. When he got my text message, he called me to make sure I was really okay. Then he said he was still out and told me he would call me later to check on me. He knows (and I reminded him) that if he calls, I will answer. I made that agreement long ago, and it works for us.

So, about 230a, Starr comes in to tell me she thinks there's a spider on the wall. She didn't really wake me, since I wasn't sleeping well due to the headache. I went upstairs to double and found nothing, so I went potty and got back in the bed. About 5 minutes later he called me to check on me again, and said he was on his way home. He asked was I asleep, to which I honestly replied 'no' and told him what happened. Then, out of the blue, there was a knock on my front door! I heard it in stereo, because I could hear knocking on the phone with him! My sweetie was at the door!! Talk about a very pleasant surprise!!

We slept off and on throughout the night. What was funny was I had just told him while we were on the phone that I missed laying on his chest while I slept, and a few minutes later, there he was!! So I got to snuggle and cuddle all night with my sweetie!! That's just what the doctor ordered! Perhaps we'll see each other tonight after the Gateway Classic (and subsequent partying) is over. I did invite him to church with me tomorrow as well. He told me he would let me know later, depending on his level of hangover-ness!

Great start to the weekend, huh?!

Politics Posting

Warning: If you really believe the economy is "fundamentally strong", love the thought of a "pitbull with lipstick", and are ok with a 'regular guy' wearing $500 loafers and being unsure of how many houses he owns....this is where you should stop reading!

So riddle me this: Who wants a president that can handle more than one thing at a time? Please raise your hands. (solo-mommy raises her hand) So then someone explain to me why John McCain wants to cancel the debates again? I mean, surely we can't be in an economic crisis now Sen. McCain! According to you and your prez, the economy is strong! Now, all of a sudden 6 weeks before the election, you want to suspend campaigning to focus on a bipartisan solution to this crisis?? I don't who told you that was a good idea, but you should have gotten a few outside opinions! As a solo-mommy (ie, President and Commander-in-Chief of my home), it is imperative that I am multi-tasking at all times. As a matter of fact, I don't know that I could turn it off if I wanted to! I can cook, clean, oversee homework, watch a show, and surf online...all pretty much simultaneously. So why can't McCain work on this issue AND campaign for president?

And Please don't get me started about this bailout that could still net these crooked-, greedy-, and shady-ass CEOs millions for running their companies into the ground!!!!

Lots Going On...

I have been pretty inconsistent lately in writing, mainly because I have so much going on in my head. But I will at least give you some highlights:

• I registered to attend the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference in October! It has been something I have wanted to do for several years, but never did. Until now! I feel so accomplished for doing so!
• I finally went to church this past Sunday. I was looking at this church in Shiloh - my old side of town - for quite a while but never got up and went. I went to the website Sunday morning and looked at the pastor's posted notes for a series he had just completed using porcupines as the analogy to humans! Sounds strange, but I am telling you it was ingenious! I got the kids up and we went. It was definitely a good sign when the pastor came and sat down next to me within 2 minutes of being there, before services began. The praise and worship was very different from any previous I've had. It felt like we were at a concert almost! Very contemporary! I enjoyed the message and the delivery of the message. And to top it all off, it was Communion Sunday! I have not taken communion in well over a year! God is in control...never doubt that. We will definitely be going back.
• I went on Bruzer's preschool field trip apple-picking on Friday. We had a very good time! Not only did they pick apples, but they fed cows, goats and chickens too! What a great memory to have for me and for Bruzer!
• I went to the same orchard today with Champagne's kindergarten class! I remember my mom went on all the field trips with me, and I liked that feeling. So I decided to pass it along to my children. These are the whys I talked about before!
• Talked to the New Guy the other day. Or chatted better yet. We cleared the air about what really happened between us. I explained to him that the news of him getting married was a bit shocking and it took a little time to balance myself, but I am more than fine with it. I sent him an e-card congratulating him on the wedding. I also told him he was a genuine good guy with a heart of gold and deserved all the happiness life had to offer. NO! I wasn't being sarcastic, I meant all of it. I was very enlightened after processing our conversation from the night before. I believe that things worked out the way they should have. Cause honestly, I can't imagine Dante not having been in my life all this time.

Those are the highlights. Things are going well with the kids. I have joy in my heart on a daily basis. I can truly look back in the not-so-distant past and see how far I have come! It has been nothing short of miraculous...and most assuredly not something I did on my own! The emotional strongholds that have been released has been literally enlightening! The chains are falling away likes leaves off a tree in autumn! THANK YOU LORD FOR LOVING ME THIS MUCH!!

Words of Encouragement

A snippet from Nelson Mandela's Inaugural speech:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enligtened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

All I can say is WOW! That is exactly what I needed right now!

How about you?

Wanting More

Wanting More. Is that such a bad thing?

I had a debate with Wayne today about that very thing. I believe that as Christians, we shouldn't have to live barely. We should not be happy just scraping by or living paycheck-to-paycheck. But there are so many that misinterpret the Holy Bible into making themselves and others think that it's WRONG to want abundance, financial security, prosperity even.

Guess which side Wayne was on?

But we hashed it out, and came to a mutual understanding. He misunderstood me to say that I was unhappy in my current state, and I wouldn't be truly happy until I had money and things. I misunderstood him to say that God wants us to be in a place of "just barely", so that we would not become worshippers of money.

I quoted Philippians 4:11-12 to him. It's one of my faves: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Pretty awesome stuff huh??

What that scripture says to me is that I am okay whatever the situation. I am still blessed. I am still saved by grace. I am still under God's Mercy. When things are going perfectly, I am happy and blessed. When it seems things are falling apart around me, I am still just as blessed...which makes my spirit happy. However, I can still want for bigger and better things and expect God to give it to me. It's okay to ask for that 3000 plus square foot custom-built home I want...and expect to get it. It's okay to ask for a prosperous business with so many clients that I have to begin outsourcing the overflow to other single mothers who wish to stay at home...and expect that to happen. It's okay to ask for that 2007 or 2008 (possibly FlexFuel) GMC Yukon XL Denali in Black or White...and expect to have it in my possession within 2 years.

And you know what else? Not only is it okay to ask these things - and expect them to happen - God tells us in His word that we can! Remember doing something wrong as a child, and an adult asking you: "Who told you could do that?!" Every now and again, wasn't your answer "[Insert adult name here] told me I could."

Luke 11:9 (my personal scripture - it's my birthdate!): "So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." And further clarification in verse 10: "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Don't get it twisted though, God is not a tooth fairy or a genie granting wishes. There are things that we are required to do as well. Sound tricky? It's not. How's this for a good example:

You tell your child to wash dishes and sweep the floor, that's what she is responsible to do. However, days go by and her chores still are not done. On Friday, she asks to go to the movies with some friends. If you are a good parent who loves your child and believes in teaching responsibility and consequences for actions or inactions, you tell her no right?

Exact same concept! God has set forth "rules" and "provisions" for us to follow as well. And there's more to it than the 10 Commandments! Like believing in your heart that His son came to this earth, suffered and died for our sins, and was risen from the dead by His (our) Father! How about just talking to God? You know, praying about the big and little things in your life? Yes, God is omniscient and omnipresent, but He still wants to hear from YOU! Everyday. ALL DAY. He NEVER tires of hearing from us! (Moms: how many of us can say that every now and again we wish the word Mommy was NEVER INVENTED! lol)

Example again: Aforementioned child has not talked to you in 2 months. Then, outta the blue, she asks you for a new convertible Mustang. Same answer as before I'm guessing?

Not a lot to ask is it? How about that? Well, I don't know about you, but I am definitely standing on the promises of God! I want more than my present circumstances!! BUT, I am content to know that this is where I should be at this moment, and I won't always be here!

Today was that Day....

Seven years ago today, my daughter's paternal great-grandmother died.

Seven years ago today, my oldest friend had a daughter.

Seven years ago today, I discovered true evil had come knocking at our front door.

Seven years ago today, this nation was wrought with shock, horror, and grief as our fellow Americans died right before our eyes.

Seven years ago today, businessmen became national heroes aboard United Flight 93.

Seven years later, today, I say that which did not destroy us only made us stronger!

NEVER FORGET 9/11/01

The Memphis Weekend in Review

I am back from my trip...and sore as hell too! My back hurts to the touch (there was a barstool - and that's all I have to say about that one), not to mention most of the muscles from my shoulders to abs to thighs to calves are sore.

Wait! Don't get me wrong. I am certainly NOT complaining!! Not with this huge Smiley-X (ref Jack Nicholson's Joker) smile on my face!

We had a good time this weekend. We enjoyed each other's company. We played a few rounds of Scene-It (we're both major movie buffs). I cooked for him and spoiled him like I always do. He even had to leave a few times to hit the office because it was his weekend to be "on call" - complete with the BatPhone, as I called it! He told me as he pointed to the phone: "This phone has to be answered when it rings. No matter what's going on, no matter what we're doing. I have to stop and answer this phone." We both jumped a couple of times when it was ringing, but all was well.

Now, in between all that other excitement, there was lots and lots of sex to be had! We were both actually tired of that three letter word by the time I left on Sunday afternoon! Monday morning was a different story though! :-) All I looked forward to when I got home was a good old-fashioned soak in the tub with some Epsom salts for my aching muscles! If it wasn't for a shame, I could have used a sitz bath too for another part! LOL

We also had a very good talk while I was there. There were a lot of issues that I have been dealing with and things I wanted to say but were erroneously afraid to. I felt I was ready to ask if we had a viable shot at a relationship at some point. So I did. I was ready to point out any concerns about the ready-made family that comes with me in the package. So I did. I felt I was ready to ask about any concerns he had about me getting the reversal surgery and it not working. So I did. I wanted to know what happens after his divorce is final in a few months. You know, will he want to play the field to officially celebrate his "freedom"? Or, would he be ready to commit to another relationship at that point? So I asked those questions. I liked the brutally honest answers I got. I do not feel at any point that I was told what he thought I wanted to hear. Because truly more than anything else, I want the truth to best of his ability...and he knows that.

I was finally not afraid to express my true feelings for him. I have been so concerned about "being there by myself", that I wouldn't even admit to myself that I love him. Others close to me can see it though...including Wayne, who told me that about a month ago. Dante told me he's been wondering why I haven't said anything in all this time, because he remembers me saying I am typically 'quick to fall'. I told him partly because I trying to be hard and partly because I was afraid of loving someone who didn't love me back. His response to that, you ask? "I never said I didn't love you."

Didn't see that coming did you? Neither did I! It was a pleasant surprise though, that's for sure. Now, what has changed since that, you wonder? Nothing. We don't end conversations with I love you or anything like that. The relationship still is not at that stage I don't believe. What this talk did was answer (a little more than I expected) the burning question for me whether Dante and I really have a good chance at a long-term relationship. I am happy to report that the answer there is yes! Time and some effort will take it further at a later point.

So, short-but-sweet and very productive weekend I just had. I was a little miffed driving home, because my sister called to see what time I had left and what time I should arrive. That made me decide that I will find alternative sources of babysitting, and that we will do more halfway point trips as well. We're committed to giving it a shot, and that's all any of us really ask for isn't it?

p.s. I have also decided to withdraw from the one-night-a-week-for-four-hours classes at Lindenwood, and get things on track at Park University to complete my online degree as originally planned. If a weekend in 8 months time is an issue, I can't see the once a week thing going over too readily either!

Going to see my Punkin!!

It was a bit touch and go...but I am going to see my sweetie this weekend!!

Touch and go is code word for babysitting issues, as usual! Shocking, I know!

I asked my sister Leigh on Sunday, and explained to her that it was a big deal for me to go to Memphis. I haven't been down there since the last time I wrote about in what -January??!?! So you'd think watching my kids for a weekend would be no big deal considering you watched our other sister's kids for a whole week, right?

WRONG!

Same drama, different month. What I wanted to do was leave at about 12noon on Friday, and be there when he got home from work. Makes it a little hard though, when I am the designated children-picker-upper though! Then my sister tells me she'll babysit, but she doesn't want to give up her whole weekend. So as a compromise, I agreed to just leave early Saturday morning, and be back by about 6p on Sunday.

Do you know how pissed off and highly annoyed I am?? Yeah, yeah I know as some have said : She could have said no altogether. But let me explain this to you: Pretty much whenever my kids spend the night at my sister's house, I am there bright and early the next morning to retrieve them. I do that usually because I am made to feel that way. That's just for a quick overnight thing. I had my kids in Y camp all summer long. I didn't just assume that because she was off the summer, she would babysit them and I would just pay her something. I could have put her name on the CHASI as child care giver so she could have made that money. No, because sometimes it's about more than money. But I feel like, because my other sister over-burdened her the summer with her girls...then finished off the summer right before school started with a full-weeks vacation to Key West without her kids, I have to pay for that now.

Some parts of me are not as pissed as I am hurt, because I really shared with her that I want to put forth the effort to spend more time together, so that we can see if we have a viable option at a strong relationship. I think we do - even with some of the obvious obstacles - and so does he, but we are ready to delve a little further, perhaps moving past seeing each other once a month.

I am still going, almost nothing could keep me from that. We both need the time. There's some stuff I want to talk about, and really, I just can't wait for us to be in that space together again.

What I will say though, is I would rather just take my kids with me when I go, than to worry about them being such an inconvenience to someone else for a couple of days. I'll talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

Today Marks 2 Months!

Yep, just 2 short calendar months ago, I was called into the office and let go. Laid off. Given the boot. Given the old heave ho! You get the picture. Do I miss it?

In the immortal words of Alicia Silverstone as Cher in Clueless: As If!!

Seriously, what about feeding my sick child Motrin in the car in front of daycare and driving to work, praying it lasts the full 8 hours before it wears off should I be missing? What part of missing my Straight A students' Honor Program at school the end of last year because I couldn't have the day off should I be upset about?

Don't know? Yeah, me neither. That is what I will focus on, so that I never have to settle for that kind of misery and mediocrity again. Those kinds of things will be my 'Why'.

What's your 'Why'?

I am normal again

Wow! The enemy almost planted a good seed in my mind about Dante! You can completely disregard the previous post about the text message.
What I realized is that I trust him, and more importantly, I trust in God's plan for my life. I am better now. I am normal. I am back to my very eager self when it comes to him! He makes me smile at just the thought of him. I am still as addicted to his voice as I was the first time I heard it!

I look forward to what our future holds! Who knows? It may be a future together!

Doubt by Text Message

The text message still bugs me. Before, if I would call and he wouldn't answer the phone, I would have a pretty accurate idea what was going on. I knew when he was bowling, softball, working late, sleeping. I just knew. Now when he doesn't answer, a little part of me always thinks "Is he with her?" Not healthy and probably totally unwarranted.

I know how wrong that is, and he really gives me no reason to doubt or think otherwise. I mean for a long-distance relationship, we do better than some local couples. We text several times a day and we talk at least once, usually more than once a day. I just need o put those little insecurities on the back burner. AND, I need to talk to him about how I feel, and then let us decide what our status truly is.

It will be good, I believe it.

New Look

I haven't taken pics of the new 'do yet! But I did what I said I was gonna do. I relaxed it, then cut and styled it. Nothing major...except for the 3 inches I removed from the front for bangs! Okay, it was more like about 4 and a half inches, actually. But I am very pleased with the outcome! It was the change I said I needed. Now, I need to perfect the face look and work on the body, and I will be good to go!

So, I am writing it down and making a commitment right here and now. Remember waaaay back when I was doing the crunches thing? Yeah, well. No more excuses. No more BS. It will be done!
Here's the drill: Start out Week 1 with 50 am and 50 pm. Week 2 is 75 am and 75 pm. Week 3 is 100 am and 100 pm. Week 4 is 125 am and 125 pm. That's where I max out and maintain permanently at 250 crunches per day. To make it even better, I am starting it on a Monday! I did it before, I can surely do it again!

We took the kids apple and peach picking yesterday. They had a good time. Then we went down to Grandmother's and visited with her and mom. All 3 girls were there with out kids, less my oldest niece as usual (she was sick). We got some chinese food at the infamous 'Orange Rice House'. That's not the name of it, but the building has been there and orange since I was a kid, so that name is more recognizable. I called my friend RT since he lived less than a block away. He walked over to see me while we were waiting on the food to be done. He is such a retard! Even though were all growed up now with kids and bills and households and stuff, talking to him takes me back to being a 14-year-old kid again! There is no kind of romantic interest there. I mean honestly, I really only have eyes for one person nowadays. (Okay, two if you count Dwayne Johnson!) But we can be friends and talk about the kids and parenting and just life in general, and it's even better without that bogus sexual tension/pressure that so many men and women feel around each other.

Anywho, we stayed over Grandmother's about an hour or so, then we all headed home. Me and the kids lounged for the most part today, less DJ who is with his dad. Yeah, Mr. I-Just-Up-And-Moved-To-Kansas City-Without-A-Job-Or-Any-Known-Reason came into town for the weekend! I leisurely did laundry. I bought breakfast at McDonald's this morning, then went to the Farmer's Market for a few things. I worked with Starr outside for about 30min trying to teach her to ride a bike. She allows herself to get so frustrated, which I am starting to believe is my fault for being so hard on her. That's another story though, I am working my way through that one. It was hot and everyone was sweating and she was getting careless, so we came in the house. As I assured her, there will be other days and giving up is not an option.

Words to live by...

I GOT IT

The change I was jonesing for? I got it this evening. I can't say what it is right now. I know, but I am not telling. Some would look at it as a bad thing, but I realize why it happened.

All I can say is: If it is to be, it's up to me (and God, of course).

IT IS MEANT TO BE.

p.s. To top it all off, I will relax and style my hair tomorrow in a complete different style! I may even cut some too! I promise I will post pics when I do it! :-)

IDK

I didn't really have a title for this one, so I used text-speak instead. IDK means 'I Don't Know', in case you were wondering.

Man you guys, I am jonesing for a change in my life. I am in the mood to really shake things up. But I don't know where to start. My friend Maggs from work sent me a text yesterday wanting to know if CWT asked me back what would I say. I didn't reply yet, but not because I didn't know the answer. I figured the old manager was present at the moment, and I didn't want him to see anything. I looked myself in the mirror and thought 'No way Jose!'. I am happier now than at any point since I was in San Diego almost. I may have been struggling out there, but I was happy. I felt free!

That's how I feel now. FREE. I even have my routine down in the morning with the kids. I can't imagine going back into those kinds of confines working full-time outside the home with so little flexibility. I like picking up my kids after school. I like knowing that my biggest stress in the morning is that THEY get to school on time, not me to work. I will tell you honestly, I was not a nice person in the mornings before! I am determined not to be that woman ever again. For my kids' sake...and for my own!

Starr had a bad week apparently at school. Her teacher met me and talked to me about her freaking out it she didn't get a perfect score. She would just completely shut down and be in tears, and to the point that she had to leave class. It happened 3 out of 4 days this week. I talked to her about it last night. I know I have high expectations, but I didn't think I was that bad! Maybe I am and didn't really know it though. Something for me to watch out for.

Champagne has been doing well in kindergarten. The greens are continuing! They have been writing their name and working on letters. You remember that brown lined paper don't you? I know you do! Well I bought a whole tablet of that for her to write in here at home for practice.

I've been working all eves this week due to schedule problems. Too many people, not enough hours offered kind of problems. But, it's been working out so far. I cashed in my little 401K so I can pay some bills, it should be here next week. If I had it this week, I would ask someone to watch the kids for me while I spent the night at Dante's. (yes, even though it is cycle time!) I do plan to go down there in the next few weeks though honestly. All I need is gas money and a babysitter, and I am gone!! As long as I can keep up with my bills, I am happy. That's really all that matters right this second. BUT, I have to get focused on the next phase of my life, where I am completely self-sufficient. I just have to get out of the fear that I can't do it, or I might fail...or I might win actually. Then, I am 100% sure I will reach every goal I set! The belief is there, I just have to put it into action is all.

Pray for me...I surely need it!

A GREAT Weekend in Review!

My Dante came in town this weekend! And get this: it was just for me and the kids!!!!!! Now I really feel special, like we are moving somewhere! He was supposed to come in on Friday and spend all day, then leave Saturday, but there were forces working against that. I even had my niece here ready to babysit and everything! We were going to stay the night at a hotel, since he couldn't make it in early like he originally hoped to. So he got here Saturday early evening, and stayed til about 30 minutes ago.

My sister Leigh and her husband and all the kids went skating. Yes, of course I was there too! The kids had a ball, but I was a little sore at first from it now being $8 per kid to skate!! I really hadn't planned on that kinda money right then. After that, we went to Pizza Hut and ate. We all had a really great time. When Dante came in, he first went to his sister's who I didn't know lives within 5 minutes of me. We watched movies with the kids on Saturday night, as well as Sunday. Plus I ordered Chinese for us all last night.

There was a bit of a snag when I saw a text message that came through on Sunday while he was sleeping. No!! I SWEAR I am not the type to be snooping or anything like that. My theory is if you have to be that insecure, you probably don't need to be in that situation to start with. But the iPhone was on the table and vibrated so, out of reaction, I looked at it. The message said "R U ok baby?" Yep, it was the 'baby' that got me! So I talked to him about that evening and he told me it was just a friend that he met in Memphis. They have bowling in common, but there are no romantic sparks on his end towards her (though I am wondering about from her to him). I took him at his word. Call me crazy or a fool if you want, but I believe him.

He still hasn't really answered my inquiries as to where we are or have the potential to be. But he did say this was a fact-finding trip for him in some ways. I will discuss that more if something comes of it.

I am just very happy about the visit. Makes me even more motivated to get back down to visit him!

New Beginnings

Yep, that's right. Today was Champagne's last day of preschool. School starts next week! I've gotten so used to taking her to daycare that I can't imagine her actually in school! But, it's coming whether I like it or not. So, guess I should just go ahead and start liking it huh??

I took pictures in the morning with her and some of her teachers, and some of her friends. Then when I picked them up this evening I took more pics of her in her classroom. I also took one of Bruzer with one of the long-time teachers that was leaving today. Then, as we were leaving, I had him take one with his friend who is starting Kindergarten next week. Bruzer won't go back to school til probably Thursday. School starts on Wednesday, but I figure he'll be a little upset with the 3 older ones going to 'big kid school', so I may keep him with me during the day. We'll see.

Today was a good day. I worked a little, but not too much. Wayne and I had a good conversation, as usual. Right now we are just concentrating on being more friends than anything. He knows that I have feelings for Dante, and there is nothing I will do at this point to jeopardize that. Better still, is that he respects that. I tried to talk to Dante tonight about what we were, but I suppose my timing was lousy or he didn't really have an answer that he wanted to give or he couldn't talk at the moment. I don't know, but I put some things out there, and no answers were really given. But I am glad I did. There was a time not too long ago that I was actually afraid to say how I felt or ask if our affair was headed somewhere, for fear that would cause it to abruptly end. But things are different now. I am different now. No it has nothing to do with Wayne, and everything to do with me.
I truly believe that Dante and I would remain friends after out affair ended, as long as it was mutual and not messy. So, in essence, that fear of losing him that I had is really completely without merit. That's what kept me from asking the 'what if' and the 'what are we' questions that have been burning in the back of mind for so long. I didn't get answers tonight. But if I know him, that means he is thinking, and formulating an answer for a later time.

Time will tell....

Ms. 300!!

Just a little play on words in honor of Bernie Mac, who died this past weekend at the age of 50. He starred in a movie called Mr. 3000 a few years back, and this is my 300th post today so I made it work. As George Clooney said, 'Heaven just got a whole lot funnier'.

Also passing this weekend was that super cool brother, Isaac Hayes, at the getting-better-with-time age of 65. Both were very sudden and unexpected, and our prayers go out to their families during this very difficult time.

My niece had her camp-out on Saturday, and it was a HUGE success. Lots of kids came, a couple of friends, and all of her cousins! The grownups had a good time too. I left to go to my friend's birthday party at a club in E. St. Louis with the Kween. I sat and people watched all night, didn't really enjoy myself, but at least I was out. I counted that as a win. I got in at 2a, got up at 630a and drove to get doughtnuts and coffee. I bought 4 dozen doughnuts and they were all gone before 10a! I came home at about 130p and crashed though, because I was dealing with the same headache since Friday...and it was now Sunday afternoon!

Dante and I are hoping to see each other this weekend. This hope hinges on whether or not he comes back early from this softball tournament in Orlando. I tried to see if I could go, but airfare is just WAY too high. So, if anything, I will just fill up the tank and go down there for a few days. I shamefully realized that I hadn't been down there since January! I want to rectify that now and in the future. I think we'll call Can't Get Right by another name henceforth, since that doesn't really fit and neither does The One at this point. So, he will now be known as Wayne (middle name). Wayne and talk almost everyday. But that's nothing unusual anyway, as we are always friends first and foremost. I just think that's all we'll ever be sometimes. If all things were equal right now, and I had to make a choice, I believe I would choose Dante.

The good thing though, is I am not focused so much on the personal life right now, because I know it will work itself out the right way. I am just focusing on myself, my family and my business...and not necessarily in that order. It won't happen unless I make it happen, and I know I can make it happen! You can too! Just make the decision and then do it. To paraphrase a home improvement mega-store: Let's build this life together!

Gaining Clarity

So I have been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days. I feel kinda lousy because I talked to the bff about it, and I think I may have thrown her off-kilter too! Things still aren't quite right there either.
Sometimes it's best to keep your utter confusion to yourself, noone else needs that kinda crap in their life! :-)

Here's the deal: I am torn in a thousand different ways by just about everything in my life right now. I have been really enjoying my time not doing the full time thing, but I believe my vacation is over now. No, no, no...that doesn't mean I am going to make myself miserable and go get another j.o.b. That means I am about to get to work! I want to help people make the best of their lives. There are two ways I can do that. One is by helping them plan vacations and trips to get away from the stress of it all, and by arranging business trips that keep them moving at the 'speed of business'. (I love that phrase) Two is by assisting small businesses and sole proprietors with the day-to-day admininstrative tasks that keep them from doing the work they love. Most importantly, I just have to stop being such a "fraidy cat" about getting out there and making my self known!

Okay, so that's issue #1. Issue #2 is a little more delicate! Yes, matters of the heart.

So Starr's father and I had a talk the other day. Yes of course there are still feelings there. There probably always will be, so that's a non-issue. The question is do we want to give one last college try to see if we really have a shot at this working out? Seems simple doesn't it? Yeah well...wait, there's more! He is with someone, and she is currently wearing a ring that he put there. I am still with Dante and, although I say I don't know what we are or where we are going, I can't imagine giving him up. BUT!! (famous last words) What if Dante and I really are all we are ever going to be?? What if CGR and I pass on this opportunity now that we are older and (allegedly) wiser, and miss what was really meant to be? What if we both end our other relationships, get together, find out it doesn't work, then realize we were already with who we were supposed to be with??


Your head would explode if this was you, wouldn't it???

Honestly, I can see things both ways. I can see him and me getting together, moving away with the kids to start our life (back in San Diego likely), and growing old together. I can see us being truly happy. BUT, then again. I can also see us being friends forever and nothing more. AND, I can see myself getting preggers at least 2 more times and having children with Dante. (Or Dwayne Johnson, I haven't decided which yet) He really is an awesome guy, and I've told Can't Get Right that...on more than one occasion. He pointed out to me that I am more attached to Dante that I am letting on...even to myself. I know there is truth to that, but I am still in protective mode when it comes to that situation. This could be his way to kill time until his divorce is actually final, then I'm all lovestruck and he's like "Thanks for the ride Lady!" (No, I absolutely do not think in any way something like that would happen. I am just being dramatic for effect!)

I am not fond of the person Can't Get Right is with, never have been really. But it has nothing to do with him, she and I went to the same high school....and I didn't like her then!!! Just one of those people that never rubbed me the right way. However he loves her and she treats him well and that will have to be good enough for me.

So why are we trying to mess with fire? To put it exceptionally mildy, the love is strong within us both. However, I just don't think it's enough to be willing to hurt others for our selfish whims. We are not those type of people, we never will be, and we would never feel right about it if we tried to be. So likely, he and I are all we ever will be, unless some serious Divine intervention happens and gracefully removes these others from our lives. Considering they have 2 children together now, that ain't likely to happen!

But, what if....

The Remake

Okay, so I realized today I have really become a slacker. You know what else? It doesn't even have that much to do with not working outside the home. That's one of the things in my life that actually makes me very happy. It has happened over a period of a year at least. Just being lazy. Waking up getting dressed from the neck down very well. But from the neck up, just barely making it by. Thank goodness I am naturally beautiful, as I always say! lol

I pull my hair back in a bun everyday. Let me say that again......EVERYDAY. I have always been fascinated with long flowing hair, and there was a time when people would have had me committed for wearing my hair up so much! Now, I just want to feel 'put together' more than anything. Know what I just did today? I washed my hair and deep conditioned it. Then I spent about 2 hours total pulling KNOTS out of my head! I had gotten so damn lazy that I actually hadn't combed through my hair in over a week! Thank goodness I don't have the kind of hair that you have to wash everyday...cause that would have been really...eww!

I am pretty sure there will be some inches lost over my laziness, yet again. It's not the first time this has happened. But I tell you this, it will be the last. I have goals, and I will achieve every last one of them. One of my goals is to look fabulous from the neck up, even if I look so-so from the neck down -- not vice-versa! If that requires a shorter but very sassy, classy cut then that's what it shall be. Then one day within the next 2 years tops, I will reach my goal of hair to the middle of my back. I've been very close before, but this time I will go all the way!

I have plenty of makeup, and so I shall get in the habit of wearing it daily. It's amazing how long it's been since I put on eye-liner! I know. So, so sad. I am full of fabulous-ness! Always have and always will. Now the time has come for me to let it out again, and this time STAY OUT!!