Better Than To Tell A Lie

Dante and I had a great talk to really clear the air from what happened in my last post. Part of it was that I was having a bad day and he knew I was having a bad day. So a part of my mind was like "see how much he cares about you"! But we cleared up alot. I asked the tough questions and got the honest answers. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but that I'm willing to deal with it for a minute longer until he decides where he wants to live. I tried to explain it to the BFF but I don't know how well I did. I know she doesn't like it and thinks that he should just be faithful (so do I), but sometimes life just isn't that simple. Hell, most times it's not.
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?

Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!

I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!

Truth Hurts

So I haven't heard from Dante for several hours this evening. I knew why.

No, he didn't tell me beforehand. I just knew.

So he send me a text at a little after 11p asking was I sleep, to which I replied 'No'. He asked what I was doing, I asked what he was doing. He replied, 'Honestly, I'm driving home.'
I asked from where, and he said I didn't wanna know. Like I told him, "Doesn't that tell me what I need to know?"

The more I sat and thought about it, I just got this rush of emotion. Somewhere between anger and hurt, complete with watering eyes.

All I can say is this: I am NOT going to cry about this situation (as it is right now) anymore!

So Mad At Myself

I've had a crappy day. I've been so mad at myself today. Even had a pity party for a while. Why?

Because I am so sick and tired of this saboteur inside of me that consistently ROBS me of my dreams!

My so-called comfort zone is still set to 'Struggling Mode', so no matter what I get, I will subconciously get myself back to that point.

How am I gonna get my Denali like that??

But, I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of being mad at myself. I need to turn this anger and frustration inward and FIX ME!!!

You know what? I will too!!

I am gonna start keeping a written money journal. I am also gonna keep better track of my goals, and make sure that my daily actions are moving towards achieving them. Lisa on Real Housewives of Atlanta said it best: "If it doesn't make me money, I'm not doing it."

Since noone else will hold me to the fire on this, I'll hold my damn self accountable!!

The Ups and Downs of Life

So Dante is officially cheating on me. We had a conversation about the last time he was here. What bothers me most is that it wasn't what I thought it was. It wasn't just sex to 'tide him over' until we were together again. That I could deal with a lot easier. But oh no, no, no. It was spending time with the woman, meeting her family, going to her damn family reunion! WTF??!! Our agreement was to remain exclusive to each other physically. I failed last year with the guy I was working on the gym with...and I felt horrible about it. So horrible, that I NEVER did it again. There were many "turndowns" and at least one physical situation that I made the choice to walk away from. (Trust me the engine was on and it wasn't easy to turn this key off!) I didn't quite get that much thought from Dante. Oh sure, sure there was guilt at first...with THE FIRST GIRL!!!! This is number two!!!! So apparently the guilt faded away pretty well.

Don't I feel special.

I don't know what to do. I've been shocked. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried about it. I've lost my appetite over it. Now I'm just numb I think. We still talk like we have been. Still say our good mornings and goodnights. I still call myself his girlfriend. Am I still hurting? Hell yeah. Do I lay awake thinking about him with her? Hell no. Why waste my time and make myself upset over something I can't control?!?!?! Do I feel betrayed? You're damned right I do!!

He has made it crystal clear that he is not prepared to make a "decision" until he knows whether he knows if he's staying in Memphis or coming back here. He is absolutely against a committed long-distance relationship, mainly because of him and the exwife. So I'm just...numb. I'm almost to the point I don't really care anymore. I've stressed about it so much, I have to let it go. I can't control what he does. I can't control what he doesn't do. So I just have to focus on me, because that's what I can control.

All is well that ends well. How can I say that? Well, I know the Master I serve. And His Word assures me the victory, whether it's Dante or some other man who can truly appreciate and celebrate my worth, my heart, and my beautiful children!!!

Preconceived Notions

Why do people insist upon passing judgments? I just don't understand that. Dante told me he talked to his father about me the other day. What's funny is his father's main question once he learned that I had four children was "Is she looking for someone to take care of them?"

WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???

What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.

You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!

As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.

Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!

My New Home!

Still Going Up!

Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!

And the Roller Coaster Continues...

Things are back on the upswing right now. Shocking, I know! Not just as far as the relationship goes, but just life in general. I am going to look at a house tomorrow that I am believing for and have already thanked God that it's mine. (In the name of Jesus) It's a very cute house, single-story, maybe 5 minutes tops from here...so the kids don't have to change schools. Huge fenced yard in the back, the owner says all appliances (including dishwasher, shhh don't tell the kids) are less than 2 years old. He is very pet friendly. Yay! It's in my budget, comfortably! He may even consider selling it in the near future, since it doesn't look like he'll be stationed back here again.
I have a moving truck to pick up tomorrow morning. My goal is to get the large stuff out mainly, then I can make small trips back and forth during the week for the boxes and misc items. We'll see. Cody is coming to help, which is great.
Relationship-wise, I am re-focused on doing what I do best. You see, I haven't been practicing what I preach. Let me elaborate on that for you.
I believe strongly in taking care of my man...in every way. However, I have sank in to this "let's see what he does for me" mode, and now I'm unhappy. Is anyone else shocked?
Me neither.
Do you know I haven't been to Memphis to see him since our getaway trip in March?? And before that was January I think?? Oh yes, there could be excuses for it. Unemployed, kids, babysitting, blah, blah, blah. But frankly, excuses aren't allowed. One of the biggest things I preach is that if YOU won't do it, there is another that will. That goes for male and female, mind you.
When he comes to see me, I barely even try to look attractive for him. I can be so organic sometimes that I'm like "this is me, take me as I am". But damn woman, the man hasn't seen you in 5 or 6 weeks. If you know he's coming, be smelling good and dressed cute with your hair fixed at least!!! If he won't make it in til after midnight, I have some very nice "nightwear". Even if he won't make it in til 10p, care enough about him and yourself to stay dressed and looking nice. Because honestly it really does show that you care. It says, "Hey, I think you're special enough to really put my best foot forward for you."
Who wouldn't want that??
He's in Alabama this weekend at a black softball tournament. I've talked to him a few times today so far. To tell the honest to goodness truth, I miss him when I don't see him and I love him when he's here. No matter what I try to say, I'm still in love with him. Which does in turn cause me to put my guard in place (if not really "up"), just in case he chooses to go a different route. I want him for the long haul, I can't deny that. But if that is the path we are to take, it has yet to be seen.
I hope whatever the thing is with the "other person", that it's done. I still feel I have the number 1 spot locked up. However, I don't plan to give some 20% chick a chance to look like 80% either. I am thinking at this point there is a 90% chance he's staying in Memphis. Only we can decide if we still have a chance, given the distance. (Before you ask, yes I would move there if things became permanent) I think it can work with the distance, even as far as us becoming closer emotionally. But that requires letting go of past issues that prevent us from moving forward in the present. Since the distance played a major role in his marriage to the ex, he doesn't want to do that again. What he needs to understand is that we are different people, we are at a different maturity level, we are allowing ourselves to become closer in the amount of communication we have, and the differences continue. I felt as if, from the stories he told me, they both put up such walls during the dating phase, that they didn't give each other a chance to really know the other person before they got married. Her thing was that she wasn't going to move where he was and not be married. His thing was if he went to this particular area he was to be stationed at alone, he would likely cheat. Those were both things that could have been overcome. Cheating is a conscious decision that can be stopped at anytime. For her, if she was single with no kids and not established in a job or college somewhere...what was the reason for not moving? Conversely, even over our distance, I feel we've seen each other at our best and worst...and we're still here! The truth is, it takes effort and maturity for any relationship to work, and I think we may both be willing to do that.
I will keep you posted!

Say a prayer about the house!

Lots of Discord

SO many things going crazy right now. School isn't going so well due to the stress of home-hunting and moving on the horizon. The home thing itself is enough to cause me to have an aneurism. And to top it all off, the relationship is sucking right now too. It may just be me, because I know I have some underlying feelings about him not coming home now. I'm mad and hurt and sad and disappointed and...

You get the picture!

I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"

I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.

I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!

Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.

What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.

It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...


Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!

Pushed Away

Ever get the feeling you're being pushed away? Maybe it's just PMS, but that's how I feel. Dante came in this weekend and well, let's say we've had MUCH better visits before. This one, I was more like a pit stop or afterthought for him. He stopped in Friday and I took him to get a state ID. We saw each other for a total of maybe 45 minutes. I expected him to come back that night and....well, he did...sort of. If you could call sending a text at 230a to say 'I'm on my way' "night". Thank goodness he had a key, so at least I didn't have to get up.
He was gone by 930a later that morning. Didn't hear from him all day until I get an urgent call to go look for some cousin's drunk-driving girlfriend. Never found her, she had apparently made it home. I guess he called because where she was supposedly located was around the corner from me. Did I get a call later? Did I get a "Goodnight Punkin" text? Nope. I sure as hell didn't get a visit since it was pre-cycle time (which for me is like cycle-time when sex is induced)! I got a "Good Morning Punkin" text at 1030a, to which I replied the same. I text again a bit later and got nothing. Then finally he calls since he was at the house (I was at Leigh's). I came home and asked if he wanted to go get pizza with me and the kids. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep (I expected a no), so we left. Hey, he didn't put any plans on hold for me, so why should I?
We went back a bit later and he was still sleep. He woke up, ate, and then basically told me he was heading back to Memphis. Last I remembered, he was planning to stay a few days at least! I gave him a hug and a peck, wished him safe travels, told him to call when he got home, and that was that.

What would you be thinking at this point? Maybe you've been thinking it all along and I've been the slow one to catch up? Maybe it's PMS, and I could be a little more understanding about the transition he's going through right now. Marine career ending, official divorce only 6 months old, etc, etc. Haven't I been "understanding" enough though, seriously?? I just don't expect after seeing each other for almost two years for him to still be so casual. This guy that I saw this visit, this "I-can-take-her-or-leave-her guy"? Didn't care for him AT ALL. Would be really great to NEVER see him again! Honestly, by the time he was leaving, I was so upset with his regard for me (or lack thereof) this visit that I could barely stand to look at him. (warning: emotions possibly exaggerated by PMS)

One final thought: Is it too much to ask to have somebody love and care for me as much and as passionately as I do for them?

Interesting Few Days

Such ups and downs, mentally and emotionally. And it actually has nothing to do with my relationship with Dante for once! Shocking, I know!

School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.

Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...

Funny How Things Happen

Never did talk to Dante that Monday night. He sent me a text early yesterday morning asking was I working. No. So he called a few minutes later. We talked a bit. I mentioned how he didn't talk to me all day and he said he was mad. Are you kidding me? You're getting messy and I call you on it, and you're mad? Of course he never admitted to wrong doing or having anyone there, but I refused to let my intuition be squelched. I do not discount my intuition, it's there for a reason. We had a discussion and he said very palinly that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship when and if he came home. Damn! Did I just get hit in the gut? So after almost two years I suppose he's just gonna be content "hittin' it" when he wants some and spending time if he feels like it?
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.

Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.

Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.

However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.

Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.

I Am The Prize

I have to remind myself of that today, and everyday from now on. Today has been very difficult as far as relationships go. I discovered last night that everytime I talked to Dante yesterday, he was mobile. I even tested the theory when he arrived home last night. Before he got to his apartment, he got off the phone with me. He told me he would be fixing him something to eat and headed to bed. It was 930P!!! I even tried to play-pout and ask would he at least call me to say goodnight. He said he couldn't do it. I waited until I knew for sure he was in the house and settled, about 10 min, then I called his cell.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?

Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.

Again I say: I Am The Prize.

What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)

It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.

School Shopping Blows...and other news

For the last two days, I have been clothes shopping for the delightful children. Total, minus shoes? $300!! Ouch!! Payless BOGO starts Tuesday, so that will be even more money. But I am definitely going to try and recoup some from Wayne at least. I finally got my tire fixed yesterday also, at the cost of choir day and choir rehearsal. I am so bummed about that. Not to mention another $200 for 2 tires (yep, just 2) and an oil change.

OUCH!!

Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??

What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!

Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.

Summer is Winding Down

It doesn't look like there will be any more trips this summer for us. I'm glad we had such an awesome time at HolidayWorld last month!

In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol

No, seriously!

Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.

I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.

Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?

I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.

He Really Does Care!

Okay, so I know I have been complaining about Dante not being as emotional with me as I would like. I mean the "Big Three Words" are rarely exchanged, sometimes to the point of making me wonder if he really does. I even asked the other day for clarification.
Then he turns around and comes into town and surprises me!
Then he tells me he's already on the road headed back to Memphis, and then shows up at my door once again on Sunday after my choir day!
I think I may keep him after all! LOL

Church was AWESOME!! I tell you what, I never thought it could be like this!! Being on that choir stand, singing and praising and worshipping with other like-minded people...more powerful than I could have ever imagined! Being in the choir at my old church was NOTHING like this! The presence of God is there! He gave me this gift, and I get to give it back to him and to others all for his glory!!! I truly believe I would like to move toward being a frontline member in the next year or so!

I would definitely have to say this was a great weekend!

Surprise, Surprise!

Well, Dante did it again! He told me on Friday that he was going to a
wedding with a friend of his. He also told me not to expect to see him
until like August. I was having a meloncholy day yesterday about my
feelings. I was really frustrated because he's not as emotional as I
would like. I mean, 'I love you' doesn't flow very freely in this
relationship. AT ALL.
I talked to him that morning and he said he was heading to the office
for a bit. I worked 2 hours and we were having a text conversation
about love. Then we talked on the phone and he told me that he just
has never neen the type to really talk about emotions. Bummer.
He sent me a message to see if I wanted to join him in a webchat...a
private chat, if you will. So I'm trying to set my webcam up on the
laptop in the bedroom and I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My
first thought was wondering why Bruzer had his shoes on. It wasn't my
child.
It was Dante!!!!
He surprised me and drove into town! Let me just say I didn't know how
much I missed him until I felt him close to me. I can say he felt the
same way!!

He came back later in the evening to tell me they were hitting a
little club near me. I convinced him to stay with me just a bit
longer! (wink)

Today is my long church day and I don't expect to see him today before
he leaves. That's why I had to make the most of yesterday!!

Test

Just checking

Sent from my iPhone

School's Out!

Finals are over! Yay!! I did great on one (Spanish) and I am just praying for a 'C' on the other! I spent the day at Scott AFB taking the proctored (read: supervised) exams at their Park extension campus. Yes, many airmen. Yes, many men in their uniforms. Yes, there is something about a man in uniform. No, none of them looked as good to me as Dante does in his! I guess I really am sprung on this guy huh?

I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!

I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!

I'll let you know my grades when I know!

In a Good Place

I'm still in the same duplex, and I am fine with it. I looked and looked, I mean literally driving street to street. Nothing was fruitful. I was so stressed, it was all consuming. I talked to my neighbor one night coming home. She asked me did I have any luck yet finding a place. We basically shared each other's sentiment that there's nothing out there in a 3 bedroom in our budget and remotely close to our part of town. I know some may not understand it, but it's not easy to move when you have children and uproot them from their school. I thought I was stressed, she said she was having anxiety attacks about it. I knew at that point that I had to let it go and pray that whoever buys this place wants to fix it up a bit with the tenants still living here. That's my prayer and that's what I'm believing for.

School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.

I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.

The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.

Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!