This Just In!!!

I AM SINGLE...AGAIN.

Why Is It That...

Women have to be a bitch in order to get respect from a man? I have been everything for and to this man (and countless others previously), and everytime I get fucked over?? EVERY TIME. I mean silly me for thinking that people (read:men) really do believe in the Golden Rule. Apparently I'm the only one that does.
I've been forgiving of the indiscretions, the insultingly lied-about hickeys, been a shoulder to lean on (emotionally as well as financially), and blah blah blah. And what has this gotten me? Shit on every time he can!
If it's a bitch they want...

(in my best Jack Nicholson as Joker voice)

WAIT TIL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME!

As Bad As I Want To...

I'm not gonna cry again. It hurts like HELL to not be enough. It makes
me angry that I seem to only find men with monster issues that end up
causing me heartbreak. Attention men: if you are mentally screwed up
right now, do everyone a favor-DO NOT DATE!!!! Stop dragging women
into your shit!! You are not the only person in the world that has
been hurt you know! Most likely the woman (or women) that you are
playing around on now have gotten their heart stomped on a few times
too!! Did you ever think about that??

Wanna hear something FUCKED UP???
After two years of a long distance relationship and him finally coming
home, he's deciding to be in a long distance relationship with Gwen,
the chick in Memphis!! WTF???
I get a damn text that says something like 'she wants to trust me but
she can't so I won't text you until I get home'. Then when I talked to
him before that he mentioned he would talk to me tomorrow. TOMORROW.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?!?!

But I guess the hurt I feel right now is my own damn fault. Everytime
I get my hopes slightly up that we may have a chance, he deftly shoots
them down by being with Gwen.
I might as well be a cutter for the kind of pain I am purposely
inflicting on myself!

These are the times that my sister's choice not to date starts looking
REAL appealing...men really are more trouble than their worth! You
think that's bitterness and hurt talking huh? I don't really have an
example to prove me wrong! I thought Dante was. I was so very wrong
obviously.

It Rained, But Today Was Still Cool

I didn't do much today. I washed my hair in the shower and let it airdry. I actually ate breakfast today. 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices of canadian bacon, and 2 pieces of toast (no butter) with suger-free apricot butter. I didn't do it specifically for weight loss or anything, I just had a taste for that!

Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

I even read some very old blogs as I was backing it up offline, including the first time I blogged about him. It helped to remind me that we were only supposed to be a casual relationship anyway. It made feel a little better. But, still there are other relationships that started out that way and turned into more, so why can't it be that way for me?? Then today, just now while searching for that link above, I ended up reading some of the posts from this past year. Trying not to get upset again. Not at him so much as at myself for being such a wuss this whole time! I knew something was up, so many times over I knew. But I let it slide time and time again...and it just got worse.

I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.

On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...

So I can better record my thoughts and feelings as they happen, I'm now a mobile blogger!

Today Was Not Good

I guess after not hearing from him yesterday, it had just really taken it's toll on me. He sent me a good morning text and that was about it till the afternoon. He actually called me. I was shocked and happy. Until I heard how he sounded, so depressed. He talked for a while and I just listened. I am a very good listener. He told me about a dream he had of him coming back here to live and not knowing where I was. He said I wasn't living in this house and he was asking people if they knew where I was but they didn't. He classified that in the nightmare category. I was encouraged.

He shot that out of the sky quickly.

He proceeds to tell me about how Gwen doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in his bed anymore and how everytime she comes over there she finds stuff that she didn't leave. He tells me that is very upsetting to him too.

I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks. In my eyes, the bed isn't hers anyway.

I honestly think he wants to be with Gwen but doesn't really know how to make it work since he's supposed to be moving back here. Hey, Gwen has a job (ie, financially stable) and she can still have children. Like I told him today, "sounds like a no-brainer to me".

Hey, let's be for real. If he saw the true value in me and heard the words I have been saying to him this whole time, he wouldn't be "torn" about which of us to choose. He would already know wouldn't he? His thing is he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. Once again proving my point. I'm not the one for him. If he has a choice, it would be Gwen. What would have made it easier is if he would've gotten a job in Memphis, then he could use that excuse. He also said he expected both of us to just leave him after this crap came out with crazy girl. My response to that was that would have made things easy for him. He agreed.

WTF?? Are Marines going soft now? Easy???

I called him back a little later and he didn't seem that excited about hearing from me so I let him go. He called me back a bit later, still not seeming that happy to hear from me, and told me he MIGHT call back later.

Ooooh, should I hold my breath??? (lots of sarcasm)

After dying to hear from him the last few days, today left me wishing I hadn't heard from him. Though I am glad to have gotten that anger off my chest. (Yeah, I was very verbal with him about how pissed off and insulted I am at this situation. I told him that even after crazy girl, he is still leaving things how they were with me and Gwen, even though he KNOWS both of us are hurting, he just does NOTHING. I told him I was insulted that he is even torn between all that I have been for him in the last two years and someone that just popped up four damn months ago! Hell, she could still be putting on the 'trying to impress a man' front for all he knows!)

I even did something earlier today to try to take my mind off him, but it made me think about him more. So, again I ask:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????


P.S. I told him I missed him today, and he sounded damn near reluctant to say the same thing to me. O-U-C-H!!

A Better Day

Well, for starters, I completely played hooky from church today. Yes, it was a choir day too. Yes, I needed this time to myself even more. I honestly had nothing in me to give today. I was just that drained.
I did basically nothing today. Dante and I had a brief text convo early in the day and nothing since then. That's been difficult for me. But I am better. I made the decision that I am better now. I am not 'working on it' or 'trying to make it through'. I am better.
I watched Tyler Perry's movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself today online. Great movie, it was just the pick-me-up and spiritual lift that I needed. I did just about nothing else today. But I am better.

Whether we reconcile or stay apart, I know I will be fine. This has been the longest week that I've had in a LONG time!

He had to do something very difficult today, which was talk to the crazy girl. I gave him some serious advice. I told him he needed to sincerely apologize to her for what he did to her. I told him he humiliated and disrespected her and that he hurt her to the core. He needs to apologize for that truly. How she behaves after that is up to her.

Could I have just sent him back into the arms of the woman who may be carrying his child? Indeed I may have. And if it's that easy, then he was never mine to have then, was he?


P.S. I really miss him.

Time Wasted

I'm starting to feel that way more and more. Just when I felt like my words and actions were getting through to him, he goes to the movies with Gwen last night!! WTF??!!

He has no intention to make a decision on what he really wants. Even as this entire situation that HE CREATED, this damn mess that he put us in has just blown up in his face, he still wants to keep everything as is. Gwen and I are still supposed to be okay with it and allow him time to make up his mind. The day that crazy woman called me on my damn cell phone was when he ran out of time!

I told him point blank that I believe he took 2 factors about me that are both rectifiable and magnified it to be greater than it really is. In doing that, that's how the others were allowed in. That's how Gwen has gotten this far. Well, I'm basically at the point that I don't want to wait on him to 'declare the winner'. This is not an episode of The Bachelor. She can have him, cause I am regrettably withdrawing from this "contest". I deserve someone who recognizes the uniqueness and genuineness of who I am and loves me for me...and that knows a good thing when they see it. He HAS me and still doesn't recognize, because he thinks he can do better.

Good. Fucking. Luck.

If he can't see that I am the prize, then perhaps he HAS made a decision. I'm not it and he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. Or I'm being kept around as the backup since he's supposed to be coming home anyway. I mean hell, it's like the woman that's been around for two years is the damn side piece and the 4-month chick is the main one! Talk about messed up!

I have been so understanding and caring to him throughout this whole ordeal, when I had no reason to be that way. Making sure to check on him, see how he's doing, if he's eating, let him know that someone still cares. But damnit, the way he feels is COMPLETELY HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH ASS FAULT!!! No one can save him from that. I refuse to feel more sympathy for him or any more empathy for him than he deserves. And from this point on, he really doesn't deserve it. I've given him more than enough, and he repaid me for it well last night. As the old folks would say, you made your bed now you have to lie in it. He has actually turned this around to make himself out to be the victim. And I fell for it. Love truly is blind.
Apparently, it's dumb as hell too.




P.S. I really miss him.

A Letter To Dante

This has only been edited to change one name and add a word that I forgot. Otherwise, this is how I emailed it to him after a conversation we had yesterday. There is a part that is not G-rated.




I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).

I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.

One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?

What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).

I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.

I love you and good luck.

Congrats to my daughter!

Starr participated in the annual district spelling bee tonight, for the second year in a row. Out of the fourteen contestants, she got down to number four!! Yeah, to some 4th place is not a winner. But guess what? That means that she is the 4th best speller out of hundreds of fifth graders in the school district!! So that's damn good to me!!

Her dad didn't make it, what a surprise. He actually thought I would be upset since he claims he took the wrong day off. He knows I don't have that much faith in him. Or at least he should know that. I guess that's the sad part, is that I have such little expectations for him. That has made it very easy not to want to fall back into a situation with him again. Lots of false promises and many a broken word. I hope for his sake he gets better.

IT GOT WORSE

The day started out just fine. Church was awesome. Spent some time at my grandmother's with my family. My ex came and picked up DJ and Bruzer when him and his girlfriend got out of church. About 30 minutes before I planned to leave, I got a phone call that was blocked. Thinking it could be business-related, I answered it.

It was not.

It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.

I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.

As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.

The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.

First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!

I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.

I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.

I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.

This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.

I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.

Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!

2012

Took the kids to see 2012 today! AWESOME!!!! The disaster movie to end all disaster movies!!!!
Star-studded cast too! This also brings us days closer to the next big movie of the year, New Moon on November 20!

I got to see him today. It was nice. I didn't want him to leave. I tried to play it cool, but I know my eyes gave me away. I have very expressive eyes. I did finally come right out and say I wanted him here with me, and that was hard for me to do. He said he wanted to be here also, and he would let me know later. But I just found out he's gonna go to the late show to watch 2012. I would love to go, but it won't be out til almost 130a, and it's just too late to ask for a babysitter. The only choice is my niece and I can't imagine her mom would be okay with that. So, I will see him tomorrow then. He invited me to the retirement ceremony tomorrow afternoon, which was a surprise. DJ and Bruzer will be with DJ's dad, and I will drop Starr and Champagne at grandmother's with my mom. It was nice of him to offer.

Well, I think it's shower then bedtime for me, no sense in waiting up. I have church at 930a, so we need to be up and moving by 8a. I need a mental rest, my mind is exhausted.


p.s. It's nice to know this is as hard on him as it is on me. It tells me that he cares a lot for me. Hopefully, it tells him that too.

It's Hard But I Am Surviving

I keep a very light-hearted mood about it most of the time, but we all know breaking up is hard to do. Especially when both parties don't necessarily want to break up but it seems to be the best thing to do right now...cause one of the parties doesn't have her financial shit together and the other party has emotional ISSUES that won't let him do right by the woman who is willing to give him the world.

That's jacked up, ain't it?

I joke with him when I talk to him about him dumping me - which I found out today he doesn't like me to say. I have yet to find a better term. Let's see, you start another relationship behind my back, finally come clean when I blatantly TELL you I know something is going on, expect me to be OKAY WITH IT, barely want to hear about it when I express my displeasure at the situation, then because you can't bear to deal with the reality of the pain you caused by your selfish actions, YOU DUMPED ME. Sounding pretty accurate to me.

Honestly though, I don't do it to be malicious, it's just something I do. It's kind of like making jokes when someone has died. You do it to deflect the pain and sadness. I know that I'lll only be able to deflect these emotions for so long. Like tonight, he's on his way into town and he's not coming here. He will stop by tomorrow because I have some things to give him for something that's happening on Sunday. Something to do with his retirement. A family affair I'm sure. I don't know how much more I will see him after that. I don't know what to think really.

Maybe I should just make a clean break of it? Will that make it easier? The first morning he got back to Memphis I purposely resisted sending a text that morning. I almost had to sit on my hands.

Time heals all wounds, right?

Right??

It Was All for Nothing

Guess who got dumped anyway?

Long story short (cliff note style):

I had a hard time with the fact that she basically spent the weekend at his place. So I talked to him and vented it about it Sunday morning before church.
He was coming in town the next evening (my birthday) to attend a veteran's job fair the next day. Supposedly he had decided to move back home, though he really doesn't want to.
All was well, he got me the gift I asked for and a beautiful card.
Kids were in bed, we were getting comfortable for the evening and he was laying on the bed in his boxers. But all I could see was the very prominent hickey on his chest!!!
I pointed in out to him and told him it was very disrepectful to me and that, even though I'm aware of the situation and trying to be okay with, that was like throwing it in my face.
I went to relax my mind by taking a shower...or so I thought.
The next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably for what had to be about 15 minutes. As much as I tried to hold it in that was the last straw. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I was hoping this wouldn't be the day that he decided to join me in the shower. I was so wrong.
He didn't come into the bathroom, but I found out when I got back to the bedroom that he was at the door and heard me. I was embarrassed by that.
He was so upset that he had actually begun to cry from hearing me like that. (Mind you, this is the one I have complained about not showing enough emotion)
No Birthday Sex for me. ( Hell yeah, I was still willing! It was my birthday, dammit!! I had a good buzz for it and everything.)
The next morning, after a rough night's sleep for both of us, he told me that he had to step away from me because he didn't want to hurt me like that again.
We talked extensively and I found out that although he had asked/told her a while back (especially after she knew the truth) NOT to put those marks on him, she did this intentionally because she knew he was coming home in a couple of days.
I had decided on my birthday that I was not going to speak ill of her because she was not the enemy and that the fault is Dante's not either one of us. She's just as innocent in this as I am.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!
She waited until he was asleep (sleep apnea, does not wake up easily AT ALL) and then did it.
EVIL, MALICIOUS, CHILDISH, CONNIVING B$TCH!
However, her plan worked. We are no longer a couple, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for her!!
I told him I can't possibly see how he would even want to talk to her, let alone still spend time with her, even if he is only going to be there for another 2 weeks, considering what she has cost him (ie, ME)!
Any other guy that I have talked to agrees, that she is not the type of chick they would continue messing around with.
I don't know if there is anything else for us later on. Honestly, I still think he is gonna stay in Memphis.
I wish him the best, but I know it'll never be the best if it's not me!

2 years of my life being almost fully devoted and giving my all...and this is the reward I get?

I Know I'm Nuts When...

...I can have upbeat conversations with my boyfriend knowing that he's
spending the evening (and night) with the chick on the side! We've
been texting all evening. He'd leave and call me and we would laugh
and talk like normal. I just got off the phone with him at almost
midnight and he was heading in the door to his apt where she still is!

Yes! Slightly insane I know! But I never said I was normal.

Happy Birthday Starr!!

She's 11 today. (Yes, that is Transformers. Yes, she picked it all by herself!)

I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. It started out a beautiful San Diego day as usual. I was relieved the weekend was over, and she wasn't born on Halloween! I was supposed to go in to work that day and fill in for someone else who was out. But I called my supervisor and told him I just couldn't do it, that I was so tired and I promised I would be in the next day. He later told me how HAPPY he was that I didn't come in that day after all!!
It would be another hour before I noticed the somewhat regular tightening of my abdomen.
My friend and next door neighbor called and I was surprised she was home that day. She said she had to take her cousin to court so she took the day off work. We were just talking as usual and chit-chatting. Meanwhile, I was packing my bag for the hospital and DJ's bag for the babysitter, unbeknownst to my neighbor! Finally after about an hour, I asked what time she had to go to court and she said it was that afternoon. I politely asked her if she would drive me to the hospital because I was in labor. She started panicking more than I was! "Why didn't you say anything? How long have you been having contractions? Are you ready to go now?"
I replied 'no' to the last question because I still had to call my babysitter Lisa to pick up DJ. I didn't have to ask her if he could stay with them while I was in the hospital, she told me he was!!
She didn't live far, so they were there pretty quickly, and my friend and I were off to the hospital.
I don't really remember much about the drive there. Just enjoying the sights of San Diego, as I always did. I went to a hospital called Mary Birch Hospital for Women, so they had their own triage 'ER'-type area for Labor and Delivery. I was in my little room patiently waiting, my friend left to get her cousin to court on time, promising me she would be back ASAP. I remember a nurse coming in to check my vitals and enter my info in the system, but another nurse came a little later to do it again since she wasn't seeing info in the computer next to me. They already had me hooked up to a monitor machine that kept track of my contractions as well as the baby's heartbeat. I knew it was a girl, due to a previous ultrasound, and I already knew what her name was. I gave her father a chance to help with the naming by agreeing to the middle name Monique, but since he wasn't really around like I felt he should have been, I went with Starr instead. No, I'm no hippie I swear. But my mom's nickname in her younger days was Starr, and I knew without her (though 2200 miles away), I couldn't have made it through that preganancy sane. So Starr it was!
Back to the story: When the 2nd nurse came in and noticed my info wasn't in the computer thing, she decided she would go ahead and "check me" just to see how far I was progressing. What they are "checking" is how far I (my cervix, to be exact) am dilated ( up to 10cm) and effaced (thinned out, percentage up to 100%). Fully dilated and effaced basically means the baby is coming any second and some pushing is gonna be happening in moments. For most women, without using drugs that is, this process is usually rather uncomfortable to downright painful. I can still say to this day that after 4 children, it never was for me. So, imagine the nurse's utter amazement when she discovers I am fully dilated and effaced and sitting there as calm as if were having tea with the Queen! I even hear her at the nurse's station telling the other nurses that I am calm and relaxed and even laughing with her, though I am fully dilated and effaced! A few nurses peeked in my room! Now that was hilarious! She even asked at one point if I could not laugh so loudly because she didn't want to make the other women feel bad!! LOL
They got me up to labor and delivery pretty quick, needlesstosay. The doctor had two C-sections to do before me, then he was on his way in. In the time it took him to do the first delivery, it was all I could do to keep Starr in! Ladies with children, you know what I mean about that urge to push! Men, think of a time when you really, really had to do #2 but had to hold it until you got where you were going. Got that feeling in your mind? Good, now take that and multiply it by 20!!
The nurse paged him a few times, because by now I was really uncomfortable because I was trying to resist the urge to push. She put this oxygen mask on me, which made things worse because I felt like I couldn't breathe then! Goofy, I know. Finally she begged me to just wait a second longer, and she found him then literally pulled him into the room and said, "Trust me, this won't take but a minute or two!" He said push twice and there she was!! Then the doc was gone. Starr was rather cranky and not easily consolable initially, even for a newborn. So the nurse gave her a bottle of formula, and she drank two ounces right from the womb!! The nurse swore she had never seen anything like that before!
The only thing I really remember about the hospital stay afterward was hoping Wayne would walk through the door. No luck, Army duty called. I also know I am not one of those mothers that want their baby to sleep in the room with them. Are you kidding?? I know for sure the next few months it's just gonna be me and the babies, so at least for these two nights I'll take advantage of someone else watching the baby while I sleep!
The day I came home from the hospital, I ended up at the airport that evening because my mom was on a plane out there! She stayed for two weeks. She had never been that far west and had NEVER seen the ocean in her almost 50 years then. What an awesome thing to have been a part of. She even made sure DJ was walking by the time she flew back home!

So that's the story of Starr's birth, and I do not regret a moment of it...or anyday we have spent being a part of each other's lives. I see so much of myself in her, and then some. I just want her to know there is NOTHING she cannot do, that the sky really is the limit. So much more in store for her, and I can't hardly wait to be a part of it!

Thank You Lord for the blessing you gave me 11 years ago today.

What an Awesome Time I Had!!!

The party Friday night was great! I got to see a lot of people from the old high school days. I was with a group of girls that I knew, Kween was one of them. It was great! You know what? I decided I would not be a wall flower this time, that I was gonna have me some fun. I was NOT gonna just sit at the table and chit chat! Hell, I can do that on the phone!! lol I also decided that I wasn't gonna buy my own drinks either.

I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!

We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol

As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!

Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:

Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX

Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??

On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!

Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!

Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!