I am keeping the momentum moving forward! I actually registered for school yesterday! Yes, a real university! I registered at Lindenwood University, under their LCIE program. That's the program for adults, meaning classes are in the evening one night a week, and are definitely accelerated. I would end up taking 9 hours per quarter, not semester. That helps you finish much faster, though it may still take me up to 2 years. Then after that, I can start my MBA at the same place! Their main campus is about 40 minutes to an hour away, but they took over an old high school campus who built a new facility. Now they are about 10 minutes away. I was trying to avoid night classes for the babysitting issue, but the family made/makes provisions for everyone else so I would assume they'll do it for me too!
I have worked about 25 hours this week, so it's been pretty steady. That makes my family happy to hear, which is humorous to me, but whatever! I have to be at work off and on today, but I would much rather sleep to be honest. But that's not the way the real world works, now is it??
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July 31, 2008
July 26, 2008
The Week in Review
Been working mainly. This was an up and down week for me. I got over the New Guy getting married thing, and decided without a shadow of a doubt I will not be attending the graduation. Not that I am mad or anything like that, it's just there's no reason for me to be there. I can just see it now. "Oh how do you know [New Guy]?" "We used to date." So why is his ex at his graduation, and he just got married yesterday??
Don't think so! I am NOT the one!
Money's been tight, but that's not new. And you know what? It hasn't been tighter than usual since I was laid off either. SO I count it as a plus that I don't have the stress of that job and the 40hour week! Got my first one-week unemployment check, which was eaten up by my bank account which is in a deficit. Yeah, I like that word! That's what the country calls it, so that's what I will call it too! The reason for the deficit is that I was told my severance check would be sent from Minneapolis at the same time my last paycheck would be deposited, so I had major bills I paid based on that info.
What a surprise! That info was WRONG!! I won't get the severance check until the NEXT PAY CYCLE! Aren't they awesome?? (sarcasm alert)
Personally, things are interesting. Dante and I are still "together". I use that term loosely, only because I am seeing all the limitations that are placed on our relationship. I think perhaps I made that usual woman mistake where I go into the situation with all the info, but I think it will change as time goes on. It hasn't changed. We are still just "kickin' it", no prospect of moving this to another level at this point. Main reason for that currently is because his divorce won't be final until November. But, I wonder sometimes "then what?" We get along very famously together when it's just the two of us, but the elephant in the room of that scenario is that there are 5 of me. I have four children, and I don't know what kind of chemistry they have, because we have never spent time together like that.
And, as he so blatantly reminded me the other night, he wants his own biological children...PERIOD. I think the exact word was "non-negotiable". Considering the situation with his soon-to-be ex-wife and unsuccessfully trying to have children, I kinda think he wouldn't necessarily want to take the chance with me and the reversal surgery. Who's to say, we get together, get married (cause that's the only way I would have it reversed), I get the surgery, then we find out I still won't be able to conceive?? Wow, we'd really be in a pickle then huh?? He and I think so much alike, that I am confident that thought has crossed his mind, more than once! Can't blame him. But I just wonder, how much more time should either one of us put into this, if we know it's not really going anywhere?
Then, as of late, some of my feelings for Starr's father have been rising to the surface. I have done a pretty good job of surpressing them for quite a while. He's with someone, rather serious. I'm with someone. But, that draw is still there. Yes I know, I am insane. I probably should be committed. But, if you've never had it, you can't understand...and I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. Half the time, even I don't know what the heck is wrong with us. We can be respectful, and we will always be good friends, and that's all we would be if the situation called for it. But...
That's a story to always be continued.
Don't think so! I am NOT the one!
Money's been tight, but that's not new. And you know what? It hasn't been tighter than usual since I was laid off either. SO I count it as a plus that I don't have the stress of that job and the 40hour week! Got my first one-week unemployment check, which was eaten up by my bank account which is in a deficit. Yeah, I like that word! That's what the country calls it, so that's what I will call it too! The reason for the deficit is that I was told my severance check would be sent from Minneapolis at the same time my last paycheck would be deposited, so I had major bills I paid based on that info.
What a surprise! That info was WRONG!! I won't get the severance check until the NEXT PAY CYCLE! Aren't they awesome?? (sarcasm alert)
Personally, things are interesting. Dante and I are still "together". I use that term loosely, only because I am seeing all the limitations that are placed on our relationship. I think perhaps I made that usual woman mistake where I go into the situation with all the info, but I think it will change as time goes on. It hasn't changed. We are still just "kickin' it", no prospect of moving this to another level at this point. Main reason for that currently is because his divorce won't be final until November. But, I wonder sometimes "then what?" We get along very famously together when it's just the two of us, but the elephant in the room of that scenario is that there are 5 of me. I have four children, and I don't know what kind of chemistry they have, because we have never spent time together like that.
And, as he so blatantly reminded me the other night, he wants his own biological children...PERIOD. I think the exact word was "non-negotiable". Considering the situation with his soon-to-be ex-wife and unsuccessfully trying to have children, I kinda think he wouldn't necessarily want to take the chance with me and the reversal surgery. Who's to say, we get together, get married (cause that's the only way I would have it reversed), I get the surgery, then we find out I still won't be able to conceive?? Wow, we'd really be in a pickle then huh?? He and I think so much alike, that I am confident that thought has crossed his mind, more than once! Can't blame him. But I just wonder, how much more time should either one of us put into this, if we know it's not really going anywhere?
Then, as of late, some of my feelings for Starr's father have been rising to the surface. I have done a pretty good job of surpressing them for quite a while. He's with someone, rather serious. I'm with someone. But, that draw is still there. Yes I know, I am insane. I probably should be committed. But, if you've never had it, you can't understand...and I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. Half the time, even I don't know what the heck is wrong with us. We can be respectful, and we will always be good friends, and that's all we would be if the situation called for it. But...
That's a story to always be continued.
July 17, 2008
Guess Who's Getting Married!?
Nope, it ain't me! Apparently I am good to get real close with...but just not good enough to be willing to take the final plunge these days! lol
Don't mind me, my sarcasm levels are a little high right now.
I chatted with The New Guy the other night. Yes, there are still feelings there. It was so close to being the real deal with him that it has been difficult to truly let go.
Apparently he did not have that same problem.
Approximately a year after we were over (maybe a little more than a year, but a VERY little), he will be married. What sucks even more than dealing with that "closure" was the oh-so-casual way he told me. Instead of coming out and saying it, he starts talking about getting back to wedding details and replacing his best man...as if I already knew!
I will admit I felt a bit heartbroken that night, but I am now - for the most part - over it completely. Though, because he will be getting married on Friday and graduating on Saturday, I will not subject myself to undue pain by attending the graduation. It's just a little much, really.
So then I start wondering again about me and Dante, where we're really going. Am I wasting my time? Is he wasting time with me? So many "ifs"...and most seem to hinge around the child issue. At least in my mind it does. I mean, we've talked about it before, sure. I feel better for a few days, and then the doubt creeps in again. Is he still looking-but-not-looking for someone else? What the heck do I really want, and it is in him? Even though we enjoy each other's company and conversation greatly, is this still a limited-term arrangement? Aren't I too old for limited-term arrangements???
THIS is EXACTLY why I try NOT to think about my personal life right now!!!
Don't mind me, my sarcasm levels are a little high right now.
I chatted with The New Guy the other night. Yes, there are still feelings there. It was so close to being the real deal with him that it has been difficult to truly let go.
Apparently he did not have that same problem.
Approximately a year after we were over (maybe a little more than a year, but a VERY little), he will be married. What sucks even more than dealing with that "closure" was the oh-so-casual way he told me. Instead of coming out and saying it, he starts talking about getting back to wedding details and replacing his best man...as if I already knew!
I will admit I felt a bit heartbroken that night, but I am now - for the most part - over it completely. Though, because he will be getting married on Friday and graduating on Saturday, I will not subject myself to undue pain by attending the graduation. It's just a little much, really.
So then I start wondering again about me and Dante, where we're really going. Am I wasting my time? Is he wasting time with me? So many "ifs"...and most seem to hinge around the child issue. At least in my mind it does. I mean, we've talked about it before, sure. I feel better for a few days, and then the doubt creeps in again. Is he still looking-but-not-looking for someone else? What the heck do I really want, and it is in him? Even though we enjoy each other's company and conversation greatly, is this still a limited-term arrangement? Aren't I too old for limited-term arrangements???
THIS is EXACTLY why I try NOT to think about my personal life right now!!!
July 14, 2008
2nd Week...Still Going Strong
You're waiting on me to crack aren't you? Waiting on me to break down under the pressures of my Solo-Mommy world and the economy and the gas prices and the food prices, and freak out about not having a job aren't you?
AREN'T YOU???
Well, I hate to tell you this, but it's gonna be a looooooooong wait!
God always provides us the desires of our heart. I am not stressed about working full time, so I am happy. I do not have a sufficient income yet with Arise whereas if I didn't have unemployment, I may be a bit worried. However, I do. That is my "cushion" to help me prepare for life after unemployment, so I don't have to feel like a failure again by running out there to get a job! Little by little, I am making it happen everyday. You'll see!
Just wanted to add, by the way, that Can't Get Right is definitely NOT The One!!! Why do I say this, you ask? Because he sucks big time. He is a lousy father, and my daughter deserves better. He has never treated me with the level of consideration that I deserve or command, and I deserve better too. Yep I figured it out. Are you ready? This is my psycho-analytical breakthrough of the decade (and it didn't cost me an hour or a dime in therapy sessions)! He is the man in my life that most closely resembles my father! Not in looks, but in actions. Actions toward me, actions toward his daughter, or his children as a whole for that matter. He's never rude or mean, actually very charming and quite personable. But when it comes to building real relationships, he remains aloof and careless with others emotions...mainly because he is too wrapped up in himself!
I know, I have said it before. I even meant it when I said it then. But I realize this is a process that can take a while. I am willing to put in the work. 100%
In other news, I selected a new host agency today for my travel business! I have been debating on this for months and months, and then they came with a 3 months fee-free trial offer, including deferring set-up for 3 months! Couldn't beat that! I also kinda think that was God nudging me out of my state of analysis paralysis! You know what I think about all these online travel agencies (aka MLM or scams or card mills, take your pick)?? There's some of them out there that are supposedly making good money getting people to book on their websites and setting up partial-service groups for them. Well then, if they can thrive doing thing half-ass, then surely there is plenty of clients for those like me!
Know what else? I'm going to get those clients too! I am putting the plan and the tools in place as we speak. No distractions. No BS. NO FEAR!!!
What would you do if you knew you absolutely could not fail?
AREN'T YOU???
Well, I hate to tell you this, but it's gonna be a looooooooong wait!
God always provides us the desires of our heart. I am not stressed about working full time, so I am happy. I do not have a sufficient income yet with Arise whereas if I didn't have unemployment, I may be a bit worried. However, I do. That is my "cushion" to help me prepare for life after unemployment, so I don't have to feel like a failure again by running out there to get a job! Little by little, I am making it happen everyday. You'll see!
Just wanted to add, by the way, that Can't Get Right is definitely NOT The One!!! Why do I say this, you ask? Because he sucks big time. He is a lousy father, and my daughter deserves better. He has never treated me with the level of consideration that I deserve or command, and I deserve better too. Yep I figured it out. Are you ready? This is my psycho-analytical breakthrough of the decade (and it didn't cost me an hour or a dime in therapy sessions)! He is the man in my life that most closely resembles my father! Not in looks, but in actions. Actions toward me, actions toward his daughter, or his children as a whole for that matter. He's never rude or mean, actually very charming and quite personable. But when it comes to building real relationships, he remains aloof and careless with others emotions...mainly because he is too wrapped up in himself!
I know, I have said it before. I even meant it when I said it then. But I realize this is a process that can take a while. I am willing to put in the work. 100%
In other news, I selected a new host agency today for my travel business! I have been debating on this for months and months, and then they came with a 3 months fee-free trial offer, including deferring set-up for 3 months! Couldn't beat that! I also kinda think that was God nudging me out of my state of analysis paralysis! You know what I think about all these online travel agencies (aka MLM or scams or card mills, take your pick)?? There's some of them out there that are supposedly making good money getting people to book on their websites and setting up partial-service groups for them. Well then, if they can thrive doing thing half-ass, then surely there is plenty of clients for those like me!
Know what else? I'm going to get those clients too! I am putting the plan and the tools in place as we speak. No distractions. No BS. NO FEAR!!!
What would you do if you knew you absolutely could not fail?
July 11, 2008
First Full Week!
You'd think I'd be blogging more since I have so much extra time, huh?
This week was fine, it was kinda hectic since I am still on scavenger hours. But next week's schedule is a little more comfortably set, though still quite a few evenings. The following week's schedule is absolutely fabulous! I couldn't have asked for better! I set my own schedules, by the way. But for the week of the 20th was the first time since I've been working this client that I have been there the minute the new shifts were offered! It's a date every week from now on!
I did receive my unemployment papers in the mail yesterday. I will not be making terribly much less than I was making working 40 hours a week! Go me!! I didn't go to the "free food and medical" office like I said I would early this morning, and so I have to wait until Monday morning. Gotta go first thing, because I have to be on the phones at 10a. Otherwise it will be when I am off the phones at 11a.
Speaking of phones, I finally got my second line installed on Wednesday...by Starr's grandfather!! The same person I was trying to get to come and do it in his off time! Whatever, it's done! They are not the most reliable, even I know that! We talked, I gave him a picture of Starr when I first did her hair that I printed out, all was well.
Haven't put exercising into my schedule yet like I want to, but it's coming! It has to, since it is a very vital piece of the reducing my blood pressure goal.
Off to cook dinner before I am back on the phones at 9p. Just think, at this rate, my business may be in the black by the end of the month!
This week was fine, it was kinda hectic since I am still on scavenger hours. But next week's schedule is a little more comfortably set, though still quite a few evenings. The following week's schedule is absolutely fabulous! I couldn't have asked for better! I set my own schedules, by the way. But for the week of the 20th was the first time since I've been working this client that I have been there the minute the new shifts were offered! It's a date every week from now on!
I did receive my unemployment papers in the mail yesterday. I will not be making terribly much less than I was making working 40 hours a week! Go me!! I didn't go to the "free food and medical" office like I said I would early this morning, and so I have to wait until Monday morning. Gotta go first thing, because I have to be on the phones at 10a. Otherwise it will be when I am off the phones at 11a.
Speaking of phones, I finally got my second line installed on Wednesday...by Starr's grandfather!! The same person I was trying to get to come and do it in his off time! Whatever, it's done! They are not the most reliable, even I know that! We talked, I gave him a picture of Starr when I first did her hair that I printed out, all was well.
Haven't put exercising into my schedule yet like I want to, but it's coming! It has to, since it is a very vital piece of the reducing my blood pressure goal.
Off to cook dinner before I am back on the phones at 9p. Just think, at this rate, my business may be in the black by the end of the month!
July 7, 2008
My Independence Day (Very) Extended Weekend -- in Review!
Long title huh?
So Thursday was mainly about just enjoying the day off, then going to "find" money to pay rent. I did it, it's done. I will pay for it later. BUT! Me and my children have a secure roof over our heads...and that's all that matters! And by enjoying the day off, I mean my punkin came to town and we had a kidless house in which to make up for lost time!!
On July 4th, we reluctantly went down to my grandmother's, who had just 2 days before insisted she was doing nothing for the holiday! Mind you, the day of, she calls everybody to find out what time they're coming down! lol Saying no isn't really an option.
The kids bugged me like crazy because they knew we were going to Leigh's house for fireworks, as we do every year. We were able to locate a place that had fireworks for sale, and I bought some. DJ was with his dad, but insisted he would be there for fireworks. Indeed he was too!! I got there to see the last half of I Am Legend, which I hadn't seen since Dante and I saw it at the theatre in Memphis.
There was a grand turnout this year for the festivities! Lots of adults, and even more kids! No injuries whatsoever, some very cool fireworks, and a great time had by all. My sister even said she would watch all the kids overnight, just cause they wanted to stay. It was past midnight when I left though, and I told her I'd be back by 830a. So I sent Dante a text message that said: 3 words - kidless til morning! Unfortunately I didn't see him til morning, but as always it was worth the wait! He was very excited because he was going to a Cards/Cubs game at Busch Stadium that day with his uncle. He is a HUGE Cards/Rams fan...complete with the front license plate thingy to prove it! He hadn't been to a game since 2006, before his (prayerfully last) deployment to Iraq. So I was excited for him!
I got to Leigh's and the kids weren't even up yet, so we talked for a couple of hours. I left there at noon and headed to the Officer's house to watch her bunch while she went to one of the home stores. Yes, that's right...she finally got moved into her place! I am very happy for her!
I got home on Saturday only to discover why my car had been bouncing so badly! My front driver-side tire was missing whole chunks out of it!! Considering I had been on the highway, it was an absolute blessing that I didn't have a blowout on the road!! The bonus is, I got another tire for a decent price installed...AND I found someone to install my brakes! One of the workers there does other mechanic work on the side. So, he lived not too far from my grandmother, so I arranged to go down on Sunday before work to have that done. No more squeaking! Woohoo! I can put my car magnets on now!!
I didn't do so good last night with work because one of the systems I use kept freezing up my whole computer! But I have learned the trick to get past that now! Today was pretty good though! I went to file my unemployment insurance claim this morning, first thing. I scheduled a technician to come out Wednesday to install the jack for my 2nd line. I went to Applebee's and enjoyed a very moderately-priced lunch. I bought a calcium/magnesium supplement to take 3 times daily to help naturally reduce my hypertension.
I am excited about what lay on the horizon for me honestly! I have a few more appointments to make for the next week or so, like WIC and food stamps. Yep, that's right! My taxes pay into that system...isn't now the time for me to get some kind of ROI?? Also SCORE and Women's Business Dev. Cntr in St. Louis. I want to look into becoming a certified MBE/WME (women- and minority-owned).
Thanks to God again for making me "Get Outta The Boat!"
So Thursday was mainly about just enjoying the day off, then going to "find" money to pay rent. I did it, it's done. I will pay for it later. BUT! Me and my children have a secure roof over our heads...and that's all that matters! And by enjoying the day off, I mean my punkin came to town and we had a kidless house in which to make up for lost time!!
On July 4th, we reluctantly went down to my grandmother's, who had just 2 days before insisted she was doing nothing for the holiday! Mind you, the day of, she calls everybody to find out what time they're coming down! lol Saying no isn't really an option.
The kids bugged me like crazy because they knew we were going to Leigh's house for fireworks, as we do every year. We were able to locate a place that had fireworks for sale, and I bought some. DJ was with his dad, but insisted he would be there for fireworks. Indeed he was too!! I got there to see the last half of I Am Legend, which I hadn't seen since Dante and I saw it at the theatre in Memphis.
There was a grand turnout this year for the festivities! Lots of adults, and even more kids! No injuries whatsoever, some very cool fireworks, and a great time had by all. My sister even said she would watch all the kids overnight, just cause they wanted to stay. It was past midnight when I left though, and I told her I'd be back by 830a. So I sent Dante a text message that said: 3 words - kidless til morning! Unfortunately I didn't see him til morning, but as always it was worth the wait! He was very excited because he was going to a Cards/Cubs game at Busch Stadium that day with his uncle. He is a HUGE Cards/Rams fan...complete with the front license plate thingy to prove it! He hadn't been to a game since 2006, before his (prayerfully last) deployment to Iraq. So I was excited for him!
I got to Leigh's and the kids weren't even up yet, so we talked for a couple of hours. I left there at noon and headed to the Officer's house to watch her bunch while she went to one of the home stores. Yes, that's right...she finally got moved into her place! I am very happy for her!
I got home on Saturday only to discover why my car had been bouncing so badly! My front driver-side tire was missing whole chunks out of it!! Considering I had been on the highway, it was an absolute blessing that I didn't have a blowout on the road!! The bonus is, I got another tire for a decent price installed...AND I found someone to install my brakes! One of the workers there does other mechanic work on the side. So, he lived not too far from my grandmother, so I arranged to go down on Sunday before work to have that done. No more squeaking! Woohoo! I can put my car magnets on now!!
I didn't do so good last night with work because one of the systems I use kept freezing up my whole computer! But I have learned the trick to get past that now! Today was pretty good though! I went to file my unemployment insurance claim this morning, first thing. I scheduled a technician to come out Wednesday to install the jack for my 2nd line. I went to Applebee's and enjoyed a very moderately-priced lunch. I bought a calcium/magnesium supplement to take 3 times daily to help naturally reduce my hypertension.
I am excited about what lay on the horizon for me honestly! I have a few more appointments to make for the next week or so, like WIC and food stamps. Yep, that's right! My taxes pay into that system...isn't now the time for me to get some kind of ROI?? Also SCORE and Women's Business Dev. Cntr in St. Louis. I want to look into becoming a certified MBE/WME (women- and minority-owned).
Thanks to God again for making me "Get Outta The Boat!"
July 2, 2008
Half the Year is Gone!
I still feel like I am on my way to my goal of complete self-employment by the end of the year.
Things have been a little rough with the finances and all, but I believe it's time for it to look up a bit. I have officially reached about as low as I can get right now. But, I am at peace because God has commanded me (okay, HE forced me) to "Get Outta The Boat!" That is reference to an awesome TD Jakes sermon, on moving outside your "comfort zone" to get the full promises of God in your life.
So, what was my boat, you ask? Well, I was called into the office and let go today!
That's right, I am officially unemployed!
More at a later time! I PROMISE...
Things have been a little rough with the finances and all, but I believe it's time for it to look up a bit. I have officially reached about as low as I can get right now. But, I am at peace because God has commanded me (okay, HE forced me) to "Get Outta The Boat!" That is reference to an awesome TD Jakes sermon, on moving outside your "comfort zone" to get the full promises of God in your life.
So, what was my boat, you ask? Well, I was called into the office and let go today!
That's right, I am officially unemployed!
More at a later time! I PROMISE...
June 30, 2008
Happy Monday...and stuff!
Things are pretty tough right now financially, so I barely wanted to get out of bed this morning. But I did, and had a decent morning getting ready. Made it to work on time, which is always good. Was almost in tears on the way there, but I pulled it together.
I am such an desperate financial state that I am willing to do something that was once unthinkable!
NO...not that!!!!
I am thinking about asking my first husband (ie, DJ's father) to give me the money. I mean, really, I have never in 11 years asked him for anything additional. Not for pictures or sports fees or when the power was off or when the water was off. Never. So, I have to work up the nerve to actually humble myself enough to ask.
Meanwhile, I am breaking down my inner me to figure out why I keep ending up at the same point in my life: broke, busted and disgusted! (as the saying goes) I am definitely making headway, and am currently in the process of changing that "stinkin' thinkin'" to a more fruitful, productive, and positive me!
By the way, if you as a woman are looking for a great book to help you "sort things out" and get on the "right track", PLEASE run to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy of The Power of Focus for Women by Fran Hewitt!!! I know I have mentioned it before, but I can't say enough about it and how it is getting to the root of so many of my issues! After I finish this one, I will go back and read The Power of Focus by Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul series co-authors).
One thing I know I have to do, but haven't done is keep a money log. I need to be more mindful of every dollar I spend, so that I can determine where I bleed currency every month. It will be hard to do this week, since I have NO MONEY to watch, but nonetheless I have to begin somewhere.
I am glad to put this day behind me. I had a very bad email issue come up at work today from something I sent to those I thought were friends (and mature adults), and one person ruined it for all involved. I was so upset and embarrassed, that when I finally had to confront him about it, I let him have it! Sometimes these holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, I'm-better-than-you-
because-I-go-to-church-every-Sunday people are just TOO MUCH for me to deal with!! What they don't realize is that THEY are the reason some people avoid churches altogether...to avoid their judgmental asses!! After relaying the story to my mother, she summed it up quite nicely: "The devil won this round. Instead of everyone just focusing on the positiveness of the message of God, the message was lost in the mess that this other person created!"
So, my status message on yahoo currently states this: 'Funny how the devil uses people of God for his dirtywork...and they don't even know it!'
Ending this to say, quite simply, any and all esteem and regard I had for the Commander has left. I wish him the best, but all such foolishness and negativity will be cut from my life. It's a new day for me!
I am such an desperate financial state that I am willing to do something that was once unthinkable!
NO...not that!!!!
I am thinking about asking my first husband (ie, DJ's father) to give me the money. I mean, really, I have never in 11 years asked him for anything additional. Not for pictures or sports fees or when the power was off or when the water was off. Never. So, I have to work up the nerve to actually humble myself enough to ask.
Meanwhile, I am breaking down my inner me to figure out why I keep ending up at the same point in my life: broke, busted and disgusted! (as the saying goes) I am definitely making headway, and am currently in the process of changing that "stinkin' thinkin'" to a more fruitful, productive, and positive me!
By the way, if you as a woman are looking for a great book to help you "sort things out" and get on the "right track", PLEASE run to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy of The Power of Focus for Women by Fran Hewitt!!! I know I have mentioned it before, but I can't say enough about it and how it is getting to the root of so many of my issues! After I finish this one, I will go back and read The Power of Focus by Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul series co-authors).
One thing I know I have to do, but haven't done is keep a money log. I need to be more mindful of every dollar I spend, so that I can determine where I bleed currency every month. It will be hard to do this week, since I have NO MONEY to watch, but nonetheless I have to begin somewhere.
I am glad to put this day behind me. I had a very bad email issue come up at work today from something I sent to those I thought were friends (and mature adults), and one person ruined it for all involved. I was so upset and embarrassed, that when I finally had to confront him about it, I let him have it! Sometimes these holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, I'm-better-than-you-
because-I-go-to-church-every-Sunday people are just TOO MUCH for me to deal with!! What they don't realize is that THEY are the reason some people avoid churches altogether...to avoid their judgmental asses!! After relaying the story to my mother, she summed it up quite nicely: "The devil won this round. Instead of everyone just focusing on the positiveness of the message of God, the message was lost in the mess that this other person created!"
So, my status message on yahoo currently states this: 'Funny how the devil uses people of God for his dirtywork...and they don't even know it!'
Ending this to say, quite simply, any and all esteem and regard I had for the Commander has left. I wish him the best, but all such foolishness and negativity will be cut from my life. It's a new day for me!
June 28, 2008
Meet The Browns
That movie was really something. It had me in tears on parts that noone else except someone who's been there would understand. From the not enough food to the utilities being turned off (will never in my life forget hearing Starr ask if we were going to die of thirst, after learning that the water was turned off) to the threats of no daycare for non-payment. Since I know Tyler Perry didn't secretly stalk me just to write this movie, I know I am not alone! But wow, it was almost like watching Angela Bassett (who I love as an actress) portray parts of my life. And yeah whatever, I know it was a movie, but I still believe that if I keep doing the right thing and praying (which I will do more of), I will get my "happily ever after" too.
Quite a surreal experience, to say the least!
Now, where is Rick Fox...I'm waiting!
Quite a surreal experience, to say the least!
Now, where is Rick Fox...I'm waiting!
The Prodigal SoloMommy Is Back!!
Will the wonders never cease? That was some dramatic note to leave you on, huh?
Again I will say, I will not do this again. This time, I actually mean it. Blogging was such a great release for me, I have truly missed it. But, I am surely getting back on track now. Don't worry, no major catastrophes happened, I just got busy and out of sync.
I finished my first training for a client with Arise! It took three weeks, and it was VERY hectic but I made it by the grace of God and God alone. The enemy was very busy at the last minute, when it came down to proving my skills and knowledge to be certified for this client, but God prevailed on my behalf! Then my internet service was down for a few days after I got certified, so I couldn't work. I had to take off half day at work just to get the repair tech out here...and you know how tricky that is at my job!
I feel accomplished at this stage in time. I am ready two very good books right now. Silence the Naysayers by Kirby Jones is an excellent read. The Power of Fcous for Women by Fran Hewitt (wife of Power of Focus co-author Lew Hewitt) is phenomenal as well. They are both literally complementing each other in drilling into my head a new - and better - way of thinking!
Dante has been his usual self. Always knows how to make me laugh. I have seen him once in the last few weeks, it was a surprise thief-in-the-night visit. He was in Sikeston at a softball tourney, and I was just leaving the drive-in at about 1a with the kids.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, that is all he came in for! Thank Goodness, cause we both were struggling at the time!
Hey, we can talk on the telephone! :-)
As far as out relationship goes, it still is what it is. I had begun to put a lot of pressure on it in my head, because I am growing restless in this single state. But, honestly, now is not the time for either of us. And, I have come to the realization that we may just be all we are ever going to be right now. I absolutely adore him, am very glad I met him, and would like to always have him on my team - even if it's only as a friend. Putting that thought in my head - while not dooming a relationship before it could happen - has definitely made things easier. I feel like we can be comfortable to just enjoy each other again.
Can't Get Right called himself yet again making a play for me. What's funny is that he talked a big talk and almost had me confused for a minute there, thinking this could be "it" this time. Whateva!! I did make it clear to him that no matter what kind of "history" we have, I would not leave my Dante for him. I'm just not that girl, you know? But, no worries, because as usual he lost steam!
Kids are doing great. We are keeping count with Bruzer and the whole not-peeing-the-bed-when-you-sleep deal. Kind of out of necessity because I didn't have the money for pullups at first, but now it's just a matter of priority. I think he could definitely do it if he knew a) he didn't have that crutch pullup to fall back on or b) he had the fear of getting his hide tanned by me for constantly NOT doing what I know he's capable of doing. So far, so good! I am proud of him, and he definitely gets rewarded. Up on the block for the weekend are a pair of croc-type shoes that light up. He goes swimming once a week at the Y with the preschool, so I thought that would be cool for him!
Champagne is doing swimming lessons this summer too. Next year, when Bruzer graduates from preschool, I will have all four kids going to the Y summer camp, since the WonderTwins will surely be old enough. She is so excited about going to kindergarten with the "big kids". I am too. My child care costs will change drastically!!
Getting ready to go over the whole "your changing body" thing with Starr. I bought books because I know she is like me. The one book I gave her today and she finihed it today. The other book has very graphic...um...male parts (drawings) in it too, and I don't know if I'm ready for that or not. I worked off and on today so we didn't get a chance to talk about it, but we will hopefully tomorrow.
DJ is DJ, growing everyday. Sometimes I have to remind him of what his place is. I don't play that "you're the man of the house" crap. If you don't have a job contributing a vast amount to the bills, you ARE NOT the man of my house! That's still me too!
The girlz are doing well. Isis actually likes me a bit more now, especially since I treat them with canned food! They really need to be trimmed up, poor things are just hot with all that hair. Oh, and mama is too frugal to turn on the air conditioning yet! Sor-ry! I like the way the power bill looks right now, trying to keep it that way for as long as possible!
So, never fear, solomommy is back in full force! Wipe away your tears...all is well with the world again!
Again I will say, I will not do this again. This time, I actually mean it. Blogging was such a great release for me, I have truly missed it. But, I am surely getting back on track now. Don't worry, no major catastrophes happened, I just got busy and out of sync.
I finished my first training for a client with Arise! It took three weeks, and it was VERY hectic but I made it by the grace of God and God alone. The enemy was very busy at the last minute, when it came down to proving my skills and knowledge to be certified for this client, but God prevailed on my behalf! Then my internet service was down for a few days after I got certified, so I couldn't work. I had to take off half day at work just to get the repair tech out here...and you know how tricky that is at my job!
I feel accomplished at this stage in time. I am ready two very good books right now. Silence the Naysayers by Kirby Jones is an excellent read. The Power of Fcous for Women by Fran Hewitt (wife of Power of Focus co-author Lew Hewitt) is phenomenal as well. They are both literally complementing each other in drilling into my head a new - and better - way of thinking!
Dante has been his usual self. Always knows how to make me laugh. I have seen him once in the last few weeks, it was a surprise thief-in-the-night visit. He was in Sikeston at a softball tourney, and I was just leaving the drive-in at about 1a with the kids.
I know what you're thinking. Yes, that is all he came in for! Thank Goodness, cause we both were struggling at the time!
Hey, we can talk on the telephone! :-)
As far as out relationship goes, it still is what it is. I had begun to put a lot of pressure on it in my head, because I am growing restless in this single state. But, honestly, now is not the time for either of us. And, I have come to the realization that we may just be all we are ever going to be right now. I absolutely adore him, am very glad I met him, and would like to always have him on my team - even if it's only as a friend. Putting that thought in my head - while not dooming a relationship before it could happen - has definitely made things easier. I feel like we can be comfortable to just enjoy each other again.
Can't Get Right called himself yet again making a play for me. What's funny is that he talked a big talk and almost had me confused for a minute there, thinking this could be "it" this time. Whateva!! I did make it clear to him that no matter what kind of "history" we have, I would not leave my Dante for him. I'm just not that girl, you know? But, no worries, because as usual he lost steam!
Kids are doing great. We are keeping count with Bruzer and the whole not-peeing-the-bed-when-you-sleep deal. Kind of out of necessity because I didn't have the money for pullups at first, but now it's just a matter of priority. I think he could definitely do it if he knew a) he didn't have that crutch pullup to fall back on or b) he had the fear of getting his hide tanned by me for constantly NOT doing what I know he's capable of doing. So far, so good! I am proud of him, and he definitely gets rewarded. Up on the block for the weekend are a pair of croc-type shoes that light up. He goes swimming once a week at the Y with the preschool, so I thought that would be cool for him!
Champagne is doing swimming lessons this summer too. Next year, when Bruzer graduates from preschool, I will have all four kids going to the Y summer camp, since the WonderTwins will surely be old enough. She is so excited about going to kindergarten with the "big kids". I am too. My child care costs will change drastically!!
Getting ready to go over the whole "your changing body" thing with Starr. I bought books because I know she is like me. The one book I gave her today and she finihed it today. The other book has very graphic...um...male parts (drawings) in it too, and I don't know if I'm ready for that or not. I worked off and on today so we didn't get a chance to talk about it, but we will hopefully tomorrow.
DJ is DJ, growing everyday. Sometimes I have to remind him of what his place is. I don't play that "you're the man of the house" crap. If you don't have a job contributing a vast amount to the bills, you ARE NOT the man of my house! That's still me too!
The girlz are doing well. Isis actually likes me a bit more now, especially since I treat them with canned food! They really need to be trimmed up, poor things are just hot with all that hair. Oh, and mama is too frugal to turn on the air conditioning yet! Sor-ry! I like the way the power bill looks right now, trying to keep it that way for as long as possible!
So, never fear, solomommy is back in full force! Wipe away your tears...all is well with the world again!
May 30, 2008
The Graduate
Champagne, my little graduate, is now on her way to kindergarten! We went to her graduation ceremony tonight from preschool, with her little friends. I may not have made it to many (okay ANY) outings, but I pretty much know all the kids there! So many have been there since the beginning, or close to it, that they are just growing up together.
I am going to try NOT to be such a slacker mom, and have her keep up with a few of them.
We also went to the Shriner's Day parade tonight, but didn't stay long after the parade started. My goodness, it took FOREVER for them to begin!! It was almost 9pm! Bruzer had to go to the bathroom and waited to the last second to tell me! We were outside people! I tried to get him to wait a minute because I couldn't leave at that moment since Agnes had stepped away to send her son with his dad. TOO LATE...there it went trickling down his leg. Well, I made him go potty before we left the preschool at probably 720p. Then he went again while we were waiting for the parade to start. Then again? Well, that's what happens when your child drinks ALL of his juice pouch instead of eating his hamburger! And so we left.
By the time we got home, the lightening was all across the sky. The thunder was starting to catch up to it too, which meant the storm was close. By about 1015p, the rain began hard. Wait...that's too hard to be just rain...
Whoa!! It's hailing the size of walnuts! My poor car, how I wish I had a garage for her now! Hopefully no damage.
Okay shutting down the computer now...later!!
I am going to try NOT to be such a slacker mom, and have her keep up with a few of them.
We also went to the Shriner's Day parade tonight, but didn't stay long after the parade started. My goodness, it took FOREVER for them to begin!! It was almost 9pm! Bruzer had to go to the bathroom and waited to the last second to tell me! We were outside people! I tried to get him to wait a minute because I couldn't leave at that moment since Agnes had stepped away to send her son with his dad. TOO LATE...there it went trickling down his leg. Well, I made him go potty before we left the preschool at probably 720p. Then he went again while we were waiting for the parade to start. Then again? Well, that's what happens when your child drinks ALL of his juice pouch instead of eating his hamburger! And so we left.
By the time we got home, the lightening was all across the sky. The thunder was starting to catch up to it too, which meant the storm was close. By about 1015p, the rain began hard. Wait...that's too hard to be just rain...
Whoa!! It's hailing the size of walnuts! My poor car, how I wish I had a garage for her now! Hopefully no damage.
Okay shutting down the computer now...later!!
May 26, 2008
I've Had Better Weekends...
Main news is that I didn't see Dante at all this weekend. Heck, barely talked to him for that matter. I talked to him briefly Saturday evening, didn't talk to him at all on Sunday, then briefly this evening. He said he was going to stop by before he headed back to Memphis, but considering it's 1130pm...I can safely assume that's a no.
I stopped by my sister's house for a while so the kids could play together. Leigh and I were both like zombies on the couch. The kids were having a good time though. My head was pounding and I am getting a cold of all things...so I wasn't at my best.
Hopefully I'll come around soon...
I stopped by my sister's house for a while so the kids could play together. Leigh and I were both like zombies on the couch. The kids were having a good time though. My head was pounding and I am getting a cold of all things...so I wasn't at my best.
Hopefully I'll come around soon...
May 24, 2008
Cleaning House!!!
Finally! I have heard one too many comments about a tornado and my house in the same sentence!
So I have spent the better part of Saturday cleaning. I went through all things in the living room and did a pretty good job rearranging those items. It will look much better when I sell the all-in-one and stuff that's going with it. I then washed up all my dishes, and finally unpacked the cookware set my mom bought me for Christmas. It's a stainless steel nonstick set. Well, I already have a great 18/10 stainless steel set, and I am still holding on to a few on my T-Fal peices from several years back also. But since I got the microwave cart, I have a place to put the new cookware, so now that's done and the microwave is on its new home.
Most of the living room and kitchen are done, I would say about 95% LR and 85% kitchen (only because I have to do the floor). I still have to do the bathroom as well. The toilet and tub won't take but a few minutes and the sink is done already, but I really need to get the floor done. I will do it tonight while the kids are sleep though. I am also simultaneously doing laundry while all this is going on too! I am just ready for my home to look nice again. My mental state is not nearly as cluttered or chaotic as it has been in the recent past, and it's high time my house reflected that!
So I have spent the better part of Saturday cleaning. I went through all things in the living room and did a pretty good job rearranging those items. It will look much better when I sell the all-in-one and stuff that's going with it. I then washed up all my dishes, and finally unpacked the cookware set my mom bought me for Christmas. It's a stainless steel nonstick set. Well, I already have a great 18/10 stainless steel set, and I am still holding on to a few on my T-Fal peices from several years back also. But since I got the microwave cart, I have a place to put the new cookware, so now that's done and the microwave is on its new home.
Most of the living room and kitchen are done, I would say about 95% LR and 85% kitchen (only because I have to do the floor). I still have to do the bathroom as well. The toilet and tub won't take but a few minutes and the sink is done already, but I really need to get the floor done. I will do it tonight while the kids are sleep though. I am also simultaneously doing laundry while all this is going on too! I am just ready for my home to look nice again. My mental state is not nearly as cluttered or chaotic as it has been in the recent past, and it's high time my house reflected that!
May 21, 2008
P.S. I Love You
That movie is right up there with The Notebook for sure! My eyes are still puffy and swollen! I think I bawled like a little girl on that one! Just beautiful! AND I am very partial to Harry Connick, Jr anyway? Absolutely fabulous!
Not feeling very loved these days and frankly, I don't like it. Dante has "stuff" going on again, so I seem to get pushed to the back burner while he deals with it. Yeah, I don't like it much either. But hell, what can I really do about it right now? Call him and yell at him and demand he start paying me more attention? Some would I know, but I most likely won't. Why not, you ask?
I don't know okay? I don't really know.
I mean yeah on the surface I am being considerate of his feelings and the stress of his situation and all that stuff, that is very true. But I also know there is another reason under there as to why I won't really assert myself that way. Mostly because although we've talked about the possibility of there being an "us", we haven't made that a definite just yet. It's not like he'll initiate that conversation with me. I mean, remember, he is a MAN after all. And I don't want to be that typical broad that brings up the whiny "what about us? are we gonna take this to the next level?" chick either, so therein lies my dilemma.
Well, then, what do I do about this perpetual state of uncertainty I live in romantically?
I ignore it, of course!
That is, until I go and do something wreckless like watch P.S. I Love You or The Notebook or The Lake House! When will I ever learn? :-)
Now it's off to bed alone, just wishing I could be held by someone who cares about me...
Not feeling very loved these days and frankly, I don't like it. Dante has "stuff" going on again, so I seem to get pushed to the back burner while he deals with it. Yeah, I don't like it much either. But hell, what can I really do about it right now? Call him and yell at him and demand he start paying me more attention? Some would I know, but I most likely won't. Why not, you ask?
I don't know okay? I don't really know.
I mean yeah on the surface I am being considerate of his feelings and the stress of his situation and all that stuff, that is very true. But I also know there is another reason under there as to why I won't really assert myself that way. Mostly because although we've talked about the possibility of there being an "us", we haven't made that a definite just yet. It's not like he'll initiate that conversation with me. I mean, remember, he is a MAN after all. And I don't want to be that typical broad that brings up the whiny "what about us? are we gonna take this to the next level?" chick either, so therein lies my dilemma.
Well, then, what do I do about this perpetual state of uncertainty I live in romantically?
I ignore it, of course!
That is, until I go and do something wreckless like watch P.S. I Love You or The Notebook or The Lake House! When will I ever learn? :-)
Now it's off to bed alone, just wishing I could be held by someone who cares about me...
May 18, 2008
I Got Flowers
Saturday afternoon, as I was working in my living room, I saw a flower delivery van outside my front window. Well, the first thing I thought was "That surely isn't for me" and I went back to loading my bags full of winter clothing into the hallway closet. Oddly enough when I came back to the front, I saw the lady was walking up the front steps, so I went to the door. She said my name and I replied, then she handed me a vase containing a dozen roses!
I'll be honest, my first thought was that they were from my sweetie. You see, he came home this weekend because his sis had the baby...and I hadn't seen him yet. That just seemed like something he would do. Especially after the Mother's Day card last weekend!
Then I read the card in the bouquet:
"From someone who loves you very, very, very much."
I knew then who it wasn't from, and also who it was from. Yep, you guessed it!
Can't Get Right!
When I called him to ask about them, he told me he just wanted to tell me another way how much he cared besides just verbally.
Silly me, I was worried about explaining the flowers when my sweetie came by before he left. Well, didn't have to worry about that because he didn't stop by to see me at all this weekend. Yes, I am a bit disappointed by that, but it wasn't about me to start with. So I deal with it. I know other women who would have pitched a fit, because they seem to think that their man's life seems to revolve around them! This is a big deal for him, now that he is in Memphis and so close to home. He was home for his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, and now not only the birth of his sister's child but her birthday today as well! Never in his 18years in the Marines has this happened. So yeah, I'll take a backseat to that.
Anyway, I still haven't seen Can't Get Right...and I really don't know what to think. I have such a different focus right now, I just don't flip out over that like I did not-too-long ago. That makes me feel very empowered too. I went to Leigh's Master's degree graduation on Friday night...that was a bit of a wake-up call too. I need to get focused on achieving my Bachelor's degree, then my MBA, because that's what I want! There is noone in my way but me, the same person that's been blocking me for all these years.
No more, no more, no more!
In Spanish: No mas, no mas, no mas!
Hopefully that cleared it up!
I'll be honest, my first thought was that they were from my sweetie. You see, he came home this weekend because his sis had the baby...and I hadn't seen him yet. That just seemed like something he would do. Especially after the Mother's Day card last weekend!
Then I read the card in the bouquet:
"From someone who loves you very, very, very much."
I knew then who it wasn't from, and also who it was from. Yep, you guessed it!
Can't Get Right!
When I called him to ask about them, he told me he just wanted to tell me another way how much he cared besides just verbally.
Silly me, I was worried about explaining the flowers when my sweetie came by before he left. Well, didn't have to worry about that because he didn't stop by to see me at all this weekend. Yes, I am a bit disappointed by that, but it wasn't about me to start with. So I deal with it. I know other women who would have pitched a fit, because they seem to think that their man's life seems to revolve around them! This is a big deal for him, now that he is in Memphis and so close to home. He was home for his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, and now not only the birth of his sister's child but her birthday today as well! Never in his 18years in the Marines has this happened. So yeah, I'll take a backseat to that.
Anyway, I still haven't seen Can't Get Right...and I really don't know what to think. I have such a different focus right now, I just don't flip out over that like I did not-too-long ago. That makes me feel very empowered too. I went to Leigh's Master's degree graduation on Friday night...that was a bit of a wake-up call too. I need to get focused on achieving my Bachelor's degree, then my MBA, because that's what I want! There is noone in my way but me, the same person that's been blocking me for all these years.
No more, no more, no more!
In Spanish: No mas, no mas, no mas!
Hopefully that cleared it up!
May 14, 2008
Time is moving on...
Man, have I been a little MIA lately or what? I had gotten so good at my blogging schedule! But with everything going on with the new business stuff and just life in general, I have been slacking major.
Last night, I watch 'Hairspray'. What a great little film!! I thoroughly enjoyed it. There were so many relevant messages in it, even for today. It was one the kids could watch and enjoy also, so it was a great evening. Viv came over and braided Starr's hair. Champagne had hers braided the evening before (could have wrung her neck for not even flinching when Viv comb her hair, yet I apply grease and she's tearing up already!). That will be their "look" for the summer, cause both of them will be swimming soon enough! I rented '27 Dresses' tonight. I wanted to get 'Untraceable' but I thought that was a little dark for me right now. The other choice was 'P.S. I Love You'....and um...hell no! A little too emotional right now for that one!
I had an awesome Saturday and Sunday night with my sweetie. That felt good, being able to sleep with him and wake up with him too. (And boy does he know how to wake a girl up!!)
Ok, I am back! (huge, guilty grin) I am waiting to hear whether I am what's called "client qualified" for my first client with Arise. It's one I really wanted, and then the other obstacle would be paying for it within 24hours. But, I am working on that now too.
A couple of people on my team got fired on Monday afternoon, so that brought things really close to home. Not like I would be as broken up as one would expect me to be in such a situation if it happened to me, but I am not ready just yet! Got to at least secure one steady Arise client, while working on my second...and my other streams of income too! My magnets for my car came, as well as my admin. business cards. I just need to work on my sales letter and/or brochure for the admin services...and I have YET to do my travel flyer! Slacker I know. I am also working on networking opportunities as well in the very near future. I would LOVE to build my own little mailing list for my travel services, and I really want to get church business too!!
As usual, I got a lot to do. So, don't be mad if you don't see me for a minute! K??
p.s. My sweetie used some fabulous Marine-type stealth skills to deliver a Mother's Day to my front door unnoticed...after he left that afternoon! And what a nice card it was:
"There aren't many challenges bigger than those faced by single mothers...but if anyone is up to the challenge, you are. You're a wonderful mother and you deserve a Happy Mother's Day!"
Did that not totally ROCK, or am I just a bit biased??
Last night, I watch 'Hairspray'. What a great little film!! I thoroughly enjoyed it. There were so many relevant messages in it, even for today. It was one the kids could watch and enjoy also, so it was a great evening. Viv came over and braided Starr's hair. Champagne had hers braided the evening before (could have wrung her neck for not even flinching when Viv comb her hair, yet I apply grease and she's tearing up already!). That will be their "look" for the summer, cause both of them will be swimming soon enough! I rented '27 Dresses' tonight. I wanted to get 'Untraceable' but I thought that was a little dark for me right now. The other choice was 'P.S. I Love You'....and um...hell no! A little too emotional right now for that one!
I had an awesome Saturday and Sunday night with my sweetie. That felt good, being able to sleep with him and wake up with him too. (And boy does he know how to wake a girl up!!)
Ok, I am back! (huge, guilty grin) I am waiting to hear whether I am what's called "client qualified" for my first client with Arise. It's one I really wanted, and then the other obstacle would be paying for it within 24hours. But, I am working on that now too.
A couple of people on my team got fired on Monday afternoon, so that brought things really close to home. Not like I would be as broken up as one would expect me to be in such a situation if it happened to me, but I am not ready just yet! Got to at least secure one steady Arise client, while working on my second...and my other streams of income too! My magnets for my car came, as well as my admin. business cards. I just need to work on my sales letter and/or brochure for the admin services...and I have YET to do my travel flyer! Slacker I know. I am also working on networking opportunities as well in the very near future. I would LOVE to build my own little mailing list for my travel services, and I really want to get church business too!!
As usual, I got a lot to do. So, don't be mad if you don't see me for a minute! K??
p.s. My sweetie used some fabulous Marine-type stealth skills to deliver a Mother's Day to my front door unnoticed...after he left that afternoon! And what a nice card it was:
"There aren't many challenges bigger than those faced by single mothers...but if anyone is up to the challenge, you are. You're a wonderful mother and you deserve a Happy Mother's Day!"
Did that not totally ROCK, or am I just a bit biased??
May 11, 2008
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all!
Spent a good day with the family. Started out well with my sweetie, and was met with disappointment somewhere in the middle. Isn't that life though? Or maybe it's just my life...
Spent a good day with the family. Started out well with my sweetie, and was met with disappointment somewhere in the middle. Isn't that life though? Or maybe it's just my life...
May 8, 2008
Interesting Week
I have been feeling really melancholy this week. Very unsettled about "stuff". But, after talking with Dante today, I feel much better. Things are still clear on the business front, but personally...well...not so crystal there.
I just felt this distance there and I wanted to know why and what it meant. He's been working ridiculously for the past month and a half, so I knew that was a major reason. I just wanted to make sure that was the only thing...and that it wasn't someone that I needed to be concerned about. I mean, let's face it, the distance is there. We had talked before about if he found someone there he would let me know. I was just worried that he had, and then didn't have the heart to tell me 'cause he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He hadn't.
We had a very open conversation, from the heart. He has known for a while now that I have been a bit uneasy and wanted to talk to him, but he decided to wait and let me come to him. It's not like he hasn't had an enormous load on his plate lately, so I didn't want to burden him. But, it was finally at the point that I could have exploded today. So many emotions churning around. So I sent him an email that I wanted to talk to him later today. Once I hit send, there was no chickening out!
I was glad to get things off my chest, I feel a bit more clear-headed and focused now. I just needed to know what we were. I mean, at this point, no definition has been realistically established still. But, it's nice to know that he considers us more than just FWB, and there is potential for a future, should that situation arise. That's a relief!
Other than that, I have been working on passing another little certification for my Arise business. I have 2 prerequisite courses basically to take before I can certify with any clients' training - Customer Service 101 and Sales 101. I would like to have the first done by end of weekend, so I can register the second one. But, I did email someone on the work at home forum who said she has contracted with a few local businesses for services as well. Isn't that exactly the core business for StarrDom??? All I gotta do is get outta my way!
I'm movin', I'm movin'...you don't have to push! :-)
p.s. My car magnets came today!!! WooHoo!!!
I just felt this distance there and I wanted to know why and what it meant. He's been working ridiculously for the past month and a half, so I knew that was a major reason. I just wanted to make sure that was the only thing...and that it wasn't someone that I needed to be concerned about. I mean, let's face it, the distance is there. We had talked before about if he found someone there he would let me know. I was just worried that he had, and then didn't have the heart to tell me 'cause he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He hadn't.
We had a very open conversation, from the heart. He has known for a while now that I have been a bit uneasy and wanted to talk to him, but he decided to wait and let me come to him. It's not like he hasn't had an enormous load on his plate lately, so I didn't want to burden him. But, it was finally at the point that I could have exploded today. So many emotions churning around. So I sent him an email that I wanted to talk to him later today. Once I hit send, there was no chickening out!
I was glad to get things off my chest, I feel a bit more clear-headed and focused now. I just needed to know what we were. I mean, at this point, no definition has been realistically established still. But, it's nice to know that he considers us more than just FWB, and there is potential for a future, should that situation arise. That's a relief!
Other than that, I have been working on passing another little certification for my Arise business. I have 2 prerequisite courses basically to take before I can certify with any clients' training - Customer Service 101 and Sales 101. I would like to have the first done by end of weekend, so I can register the second one. But, I did email someone on the work at home forum who said she has contracted with a few local businesses for services as well. Isn't that exactly the core business for StarrDom??? All I gotta do is get outta my way!
I'm movin', I'm movin'...you don't have to push! :-)
p.s. My car magnets came today!!! WooHoo!!!
May 4, 2008
PsychoRev, The Dark Period
The Dark Period? Dramatic? Yes. Inaccurate? Not at all. It wasn't so much that he was so bad, but my self-esteem and self-worth had hit an all time low. Okay, he was really that bad too. He didn't get the name PsychoRev as a pun.
I met him on yahoo personals, and he seemed to be really perfect. We hit it off online, chatting up a storm. He was a career Air Force man, about a year and a half from retirement, yet only in his late 30s. He had been married before, as had I. He had children already, and was fine with the fact that I had children. Wait...
Let me interject to say that time, I was only interested in certain criteria while dating. I preferred that he have kids already (since I was surgically altered after Bruzer). I preferred that he have been married before, that way no glossed over ideals of what marriage should be like. High on the list was that he not be looking to casually date, that he was looking for a serious long-term commitment. I was not so much interested in dating for the sake of dating, that was a waste of time and energy in my eyes. So this one, was spot on in all those categories.
To top it off, he was an ordained Baptist minister (thus the Rev" part). Me? A first lady of a church? Oooooh, I could do that most definitely! We were dating at the beginning of that year, and at that time I kinda wanted to play around a bit, so we slowed down and stopped talking for a while. I was casually dating Henry at that time, and talking to this other guy I went to high school with. Nothing physical was going on with either of them. Then there was Lloyd. We were business associates and friends by day, and at night....well, he was a November Scorpio, need I say more? We were definitely never to be an item, too many fundamental differences (Christian - Muslim, things like that), but we enjoyed each other's company and friendship. So while I wasn't physical with any of the other guys, he kept me satisfied so I didn't reach "hoe" status with my insatiable appetite!!
So, after several months, Lloyd and I broke it off and then William (real name) and I started a chat one night. That chat lasted 5 hours, then we talked on the phone for another 3 more! Things were just clicking. He told me that he had already fallen for me from when we were dating before. I didn't really notice it then that he harbored ill-will towards me for being honest and saying I wasn't ready to commit at that time. As far as looks, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't someone I would have picked off the street either. He wasn't fat nor chubby even, but he definitely had a gut. He was great and very adventurous in the bedroom, so that was a plus...at first.
By this time, a few weeks into dating the second time, we were already planning marriage for February. It was November. We waited a little bit and then told the kids together around Christmas, and then the rest of the family after that. He was all gung-ho to be in the 'daddy' role, which was a big deal to me. He was a little more strict than I cared for and regrettably it took me a while to stand up for my kids. He wasn't abusive, don't get me wrong, but I'm hard enough on them as it is, and he felt they should be Stepford kids. Mind you, he had about five kids of his own, but only had a relationship with one! Yet another red flag.
We had a normal conversation one day, and I casually told him that I was seeing someone else intimately when we were talking before. I reminded him that I did tell him I was seeing other people, but apparently he felt me actually sleeping with someone else was different. As I told him then, it wasn't his business to know. Things went downhill from there. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married anymore, which was a big deal for me, because I was so caught up in being embarassed by having to say the wedding was off.
My self-esteem and self-worth issues were so out-of-control at the time, I was just "grateful" that he wanted to marry me in the first place! Yeah, I was bad. I told you before about "Why would anybody want to marry the woman with four kids by three different fathers" phenomenon that was going on in my head, didn't I? That caused me to make some bad decisions over the past few years truly. But God saved me from anything worse happening.
Anyway, we went through some really bad times and did some very questionable things in our social life. So much so, that I pray he NEVER gets to pastor his own church anywhere, because (like I feel about my former slumlord) he is a SHAM!! A wolf in sheep's clothing! I pray noone ever has to rely on him for their salvation. He kept trying to make me into this vision of a perfect first lady that he had in his head. I finally felt like he wasn't seeing me for who I was, he was seeing me for who he wanted to make me into. That's not a good feeling. Now, when I met him I had on colored contacts. All of a sudden, as time went on, that changed. "No wife of mine should be wearing colored contacts." Same things for the phony ponies and wigs I wore on occasion. One day, being who I am, I wore my contacts to a bible study he was teaching at my church. He didn't even speak to me the whole night! Wouldn't answer my calls later or anything! So, still trying to be the conformist and to prove my loyalty to him, I tossed them all. My contacts, my wigs, and my ponytails. (Yes, of course I regretted it later.)
The wedding was moved back to June, since we still had issues that needed to be worked out according to him. He was still very bitter over the Lloyd thing. I bought a wedding dress, and even went to my cake tasting with my cousin. I was still trying to live the illusion. One day, I just couldn't take not being seen and loved for who I was anymore. I called it off. The phrase in my mind at the time was from the book of Job. To paraphrase: "That which I have feared the most has come upon me." It wasn't so hard telling people I wasn't getting married. It was a relief actually. He pleaded with me to give it another try, because he could see so much "potential" in me. I told him that was the problem, he needed to just see me.
One night, I don't remember how it happened but he got in a bad way. Very depressed and erratic behavior, very strange questions. Questions like, "Will life insurance pay the beneficiary if the person commits suicide?" Then he reminded me of an event early in his military career that a relationship ended poorly and he ended up with a gun to his head and spent time in the psych ward. He had "logically" decided that he was going to end his life this night, unless I let him come over because he needed "closure". Yeah, it was a lie I'm sure...but considering the fact that I knew he was crazy by now, I didn't want to take a chance. That was the night I talked about when I left the old house that I prayed my kids didn't find me dead in the morning.
I told him how I felt that night when I talked to him the next day, and that sent him reeling again. At that point, I was through though, I didn't care what happened to him. Somewhere along the line, he developed a hate for me, like I was the bad guy in the whole relationship! He sent me an email to brag about how, just 2 months after that crazy night, he had gotten married. He said very mean and hateful things in there about how he never intended to marry me, and blah blah blah. I doubted then that he was actually married, though I knew it could be possible if he found another poor gullible desperate soul as I had been. Seeing his car at that same apartment yesterday confirmed he lied. Good. I hope he is truly miserable. But more than that, I hope he NEVER realizes his dream of starting his own church, for the sake of whatever people's lives he would have influence over. Because I know the things I know about him, I personally feel he needs to "give back" his ordination, if that's even possible.
Yes, he really was that bad.
Yes, I am much stronger, and more confident in the wonderful woman I am now, four kids and all. Don't get me wrong, those poisonous thoughts still get me every now and again, but I make a conscious effort to choke them away. I know who I am, how absolutely fabulous I am, and I know Whose I am! We live and we learn, and we all earn our stripes in different ways. That which does not kill me, ALWAYS makes me stronger!
I met him on yahoo personals, and he seemed to be really perfect. We hit it off online, chatting up a storm. He was a career Air Force man, about a year and a half from retirement, yet only in his late 30s. He had been married before, as had I. He had children already, and was fine with the fact that I had children. Wait...
Let me interject to say that time, I was only interested in certain criteria while dating. I preferred that he have kids already (since I was surgically altered after Bruzer). I preferred that he have been married before, that way no glossed over ideals of what marriage should be like. High on the list was that he not be looking to casually date, that he was looking for a serious long-term commitment. I was not so much interested in dating for the sake of dating, that was a waste of time and energy in my eyes. So this one, was spot on in all those categories.
To top it off, he was an ordained Baptist minister (thus the Rev" part). Me? A first lady of a church? Oooooh, I could do that most definitely! We were dating at the beginning of that year, and at that time I kinda wanted to play around a bit, so we slowed down and stopped talking for a while. I was casually dating Henry at that time, and talking to this other guy I went to high school with. Nothing physical was going on with either of them. Then there was Lloyd. We were business associates and friends by day, and at night....well, he was a November Scorpio, need I say more? We were definitely never to be an item, too many fundamental differences (Christian - Muslim, things like that), but we enjoyed each other's company and friendship. So while I wasn't physical with any of the other guys, he kept me satisfied so I didn't reach "hoe" status with my insatiable appetite!!
So, after several months, Lloyd and I broke it off and then William (real name) and I started a chat one night. That chat lasted 5 hours, then we talked on the phone for another 3 more! Things were just clicking. He told me that he had already fallen for me from when we were dating before. I didn't really notice it then that he harbored ill-will towards me for being honest and saying I wasn't ready to commit at that time. As far as looks, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't someone I would have picked off the street either. He wasn't fat nor chubby even, but he definitely had a gut. He was great and very adventurous in the bedroom, so that was a plus...at first.
By this time, a few weeks into dating the second time, we were already planning marriage for February. It was November. We waited a little bit and then told the kids together around Christmas, and then the rest of the family after that. He was all gung-ho to be in the 'daddy' role, which was a big deal to me. He was a little more strict than I cared for and regrettably it took me a while to stand up for my kids. He wasn't abusive, don't get me wrong, but I'm hard enough on them as it is, and he felt they should be Stepford kids. Mind you, he had about five kids of his own, but only had a relationship with one! Yet another red flag.
We had a normal conversation one day, and I casually told him that I was seeing someone else intimately when we were talking before. I reminded him that I did tell him I was seeing other people, but apparently he felt me actually sleeping with someone else was different. As I told him then, it wasn't his business to know. Things went downhill from there. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married anymore, which was a big deal for me, because I was so caught up in being embarassed by having to say the wedding was off.
My self-esteem and self-worth issues were so out-of-control at the time, I was just "grateful" that he wanted to marry me in the first place! Yeah, I was bad. I told you before about "Why would anybody want to marry the woman with four kids by three different fathers" phenomenon that was going on in my head, didn't I? That caused me to make some bad decisions over the past few years truly. But God saved me from anything worse happening.
Anyway, we went through some really bad times and did some very questionable things in our social life. So much so, that I pray he NEVER gets to pastor his own church anywhere, because (like I feel about my former slumlord) he is a SHAM!! A wolf in sheep's clothing! I pray noone ever has to rely on him for their salvation. He kept trying to make me into this vision of a perfect first lady that he had in his head. I finally felt like he wasn't seeing me for who I was, he was seeing me for who he wanted to make me into. That's not a good feeling. Now, when I met him I had on colored contacts. All of a sudden, as time went on, that changed. "No wife of mine should be wearing colored contacts." Same things for the phony ponies and wigs I wore on occasion. One day, being who I am, I wore my contacts to a bible study he was teaching at my church. He didn't even speak to me the whole night! Wouldn't answer my calls later or anything! So, still trying to be the conformist and to prove my loyalty to him, I tossed them all. My contacts, my wigs, and my ponytails. (Yes, of course I regretted it later.)
The wedding was moved back to June, since we still had issues that needed to be worked out according to him. He was still very bitter over the Lloyd thing. I bought a wedding dress, and even went to my cake tasting with my cousin. I was still trying to live the illusion. One day, I just couldn't take not being seen and loved for who I was anymore. I called it off. The phrase in my mind at the time was from the book of Job. To paraphrase: "That which I have feared the most has come upon me." It wasn't so hard telling people I wasn't getting married. It was a relief actually. He pleaded with me to give it another try, because he could see so much "potential" in me. I told him that was the problem, he needed to just see me.
One night, I don't remember how it happened but he got in a bad way. Very depressed and erratic behavior, very strange questions. Questions like, "Will life insurance pay the beneficiary if the person commits suicide?" Then he reminded me of an event early in his military career that a relationship ended poorly and he ended up with a gun to his head and spent time in the psych ward. He had "logically" decided that he was going to end his life this night, unless I let him come over because he needed "closure". Yeah, it was a lie I'm sure...but considering the fact that I knew he was crazy by now, I didn't want to take a chance. That was the night I talked about when I left the old house that I prayed my kids didn't find me dead in the morning.
I told him how I felt that night when I talked to him the next day, and that sent him reeling again. At that point, I was through though, I didn't care what happened to him. Somewhere along the line, he developed a hate for me, like I was the bad guy in the whole relationship! He sent me an email to brag about how, just 2 months after that crazy night, he had gotten married. He said very mean and hateful things in there about how he never intended to marry me, and blah blah blah. I doubted then that he was actually married, though I knew it could be possible if he found another poor gullible desperate soul as I had been. Seeing his car at that same apartment yesterday confirmed he lied. Good. I hope he is truly miserable. But more than that, I hope he NEVER realizes his dream of starting his own church, for the sake of whatever people's lives he would have influence over. Because I know the things I know about him, I personally feel he needs to "give back" his ordination, if that's even possible.
Yes, he really was that bad.
Yes, I am much stronger, and more confident in the wonderful woman I am now, four kids and all. Don't get me wrong, those poisonous thoughts still get me every now and again, but I make a conscious effort to choke them away. I know who I am, how absolutely fabulous I am, and I know Whose I am! We live and we learn, and we all earn our stripes in different ways. That which does not kill me, ALWAYS makes me stronger!
May 3, 2008
Iron Man Really Rocked!!
It was totally worth the wait this week (and the $40 total at the theatre) to see it!
After we left there, we went to my younger sister's house. My older brother, Ray, was in town for his birthday, so they were having a dinner celebration for him. We laughed ridiculously, and had a great time. I even ate birthday cake and a little ice cream. The kids were really great too, which they usually are honestly. We stopped at Viv's house to drop off some clothes for her son that my grandmother sent, we stayed and chatted there for about an hour and a half. So by the time we got home, the kids went straight upstairs and crashed!
One eerie thing I noticed on the way to my sister's house. I had to pass PsychoRev's old street, or so I thought it was his "old street". I was sure he would have left the area by now, but I was wrong. AND, although it was a 2 bedroom apartment, I am now convinced he didn't get married as he told me he did the November immediately after we broke up for good. I never believed it anyway, but knowing he still lives in that apartment just confirms it. I guess now that he has popped into my head again, and I am completely emotionally healed from the damage he did (and that I allowed him to do), I can tell that story....
...in the morning. I'm going to bed!
p.s. I carried the microwave cart in the house tonight. All. By. Myself.
After we left there, we went to my younger sister's house. My older brother, Ray, was in town for his birthday, so they were having a dinner celebration for him. We laughed ridiculously, and had a great time. I even ate birthday cake and a little ice cream. The kids were really great too, which they usually are honestly. We stopped at Viv's house to drop off some clothes for her son that my grandmother sent, we stayed and chatted there for about an hour and a half. So by the time we got home, the kids went straight upstairs and crashed!
One eerie thing I noticed on the way to my sister's house. I had to pass PsychoRev's old street, or so I thought it was his "old street". I was sure he would have left the area by now, but I was wrong. AND, although it was a 2 bedroom apartment, I am now convinced he didn't get married as he told me he did the November immediately after we broke up for good. I never believed it anyway, but knowing he still lives in that apartment just confirms it. I guess now that he has popped into my head again, and I am completely emotionally healed from the damage he did (and that I allowed him to do), I can tell that story....
...in the morning. I'm going to bed!
p.s. I carried the microwave cart in the house tonight. All. By. Myself.
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