Fear Conqueror: One at a Time

So, somewhere along the lines I got afraid to express my true feelings. Especially to Dante. I mean really, who want to take the risk of exposing themselves and it doesn't get reciprocated? We've all seen the comedies: "I love you Brad." "Uh yeah, me too."

Who wants that in real life? But you know what? WE only get one go around in this life, and why have any regrets? Life is entirely too short to NOT tell people how we feel about them. This applies to family too, you know. My sisters and my mom all end our conversations with "luv you", but it has become a little commonplace - though we absolutely mean it. So every now and then, we will make a specific statement to let one another know how we feel.

So, then there was another elephant in my proverbial living room that I had to face. Not hinting around to it, but actually telling Dante that I loved him. We talked about this long ago, and he told me that's something he's pretty serious about. You know, not saying those three words unless he truly means it. So, Miss Quick-to-fall has been pretty reserved about her feelings for him. For the most part of this almost 1 year relationship (October 17,2007 is when we met in person), I have refused to even acknowledge to myself that feelings of love could be there.

That is called living in fear. I have let fear consume me in too many areas of my life for far too long now. I will NOT be fear's prisoner anymore! (Sometimes, I wonder if I really told New Guy enough that I loved him - or at all)

Today my Punkin had a pretty rough day. Something happened that really threw him off his rocker. I don't think I have ever seen him that way, and I tell you I hated to see him leave. I just wanted him to stay with me so I could just hold him and love on him. You know what that's like, right? Well anyway, I was laying on his chest while we were sitting on the couch. I looked up into his face and right into his eyes and said, "I Love You, you know." "He looked back at me for a few moments, and with all sincerity said, "I know."

You know what? I was okay with that answer! Because I for darn sure didn't want him to tell me because he felt obligated. This way, I know when and/or if he does say, he will truly mean it. PLUS, I didn't do it just for reciprocation either. I said it because I meant it, and no other reason but that!

Let's see what's next on my Fear Conquering list! I'll keep you posted on my next victory when it happens!!

Surprise, Surprise!

I had a headache yesterday, so I went to bed pretty early (like 1030P). I sent Dante a text message to tell him my head was hurting and I was going to bed. He told me earlier when we talked that he was going over to his cousin's house to hang out. When he got my text message, he called me to make sure I was really okay. Then he said he was still out and told me he would call me later to check on me. He knows (and I reminded him) that if he calls, I will answer. I made that agreement long ago, and it works for us.

So, about 230a, Starr comes in to tell me she thinks there's a spider on the wall. She didn't really wake me, since I wasn't sleeping well due to the headache. I went upstairs to double and found nothing, so I went potty and got back in the bed. About 5 minutes later he called me to check on me again, and said he was on his way home. He asked was I asleep, to which I honestly replied 'no' and told him what happened. Then, out of the blue, there was a knock on my front door! I heard it in stereo, because I could hear knocking on the phone with him! My sweetie was at the door!! Talk about a very pleasant surprise!!

We slept off and on throughout the night. What was funny was I had just told him while we were on the phone that I missed laying on his chest while I slept, and a few minutes later, there he was!! So I got to snuggle and cuddle all night with my sweetie!! That's just what the doctor ordered! Perhaps we'll see each other tonight after the Gateway Classic (and subsequent partying) is over. I did invite him to church with me tomorrow as well. He told me he would let me know later, depending on his level of hangover-ness!

Great start to the weekend, huh?!

Politics Posting

Warning: If you really believe the economy is "fundamentally strong", love the thought of a "pitbull with lipstick", and are ok with a 'regular guy' wearing $500 loafers and being unsure of how many houses he owns....this is where you should stop reading!

So riddle me this: Who wants a president that can handle more than one thing at a time? Please raise your hands. (solo-mommy raises her hand) So then someone explain to me why John McCain wants to cancel the debates again? I mean, surely we can't be in an economic crisis now Sen. McCain! According to you and your prez, the economy is strong! Now, all of a sudden 6 weeks before the election, you want to suspend campaigning to focus on a bipartisan solution to this crisis?? I don't who told you that was a good idea, but you should have gotten a few outside opinions! As a solo-mommy (ie, President and Commander-in-Chief of my home), it is imperative that I am multi-tasking at all times. As a matter of fact, I don't know that I could turn it off if I wanted to! I can cook, clean, oversee homework, watch a show, and surf online...all pretty much simultaneously. So why can't McCain work on this issue AND campaign for president?

And Please don't get me started about this bailout that could still net these crooked-, greedy-, and shady-ass CEOs millions for running their companies into the ground!!!!

Lots Going On...

I have been pretty inconsistent lately in writing, mainly because I have so much going on in my head. But I will at least give you some highlights:

• I registered to attend the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference in October! It has been something I have wanted to do for several years, but never did. Until now! I feel so accomplished for doing so!
• I finally went to church this past Sunday. I was looking at this church in Shiloh - my old side of town - for quite a while but never got up and went. I went to the website Sunday morning and looked at the pastor's posted notes for a series he had just completed using porcupines as the analogy to humans! Sounds strange, but I am telling you it was ingenious! I got the kids up and we went. It was definitely a good sign when the pastor came and sat down next to me within 2 minutes of being there, before services began. The praise and worship was very different from any previous I've had. It felt like we were at a concert almost! Very contemporary! I enjoyed the message and the delivery of the message. And to top it all off, it was Communion Sunday! I have not taken communion in well over a year! God is in control...never doubt that. We will definitely be going back.
• I went on Bruzer's preschool field trip apple-picking on Friday. We had a very good time! Not only did they pick apples, but they fed cows, goats and chickens too! What a great memory to have for me and for Bruzer!
• I went to the same orchard today with Champagne's kindergarten class! I remember my mom went on all the field trips with me, and I liked that feeling. So I decided to pass it along to my children. These are the whys I talked about before!
• Talked to the New Guy the other day. Or chatted better yet. We cleared the air about what really happened between us. I explained to him that the news of him getting married was a bit shocking and it took a little time to balance myself, but I am more than fine with it. I sent him an e-card congratulating him on the wedding. I also told him he was a genuine good guy with a heart of gold and deserved all the happiness life had to offer. NO! I wasn't being sarcastic, I meant all of it. I was very enlightened after processing our conversation from the night before. I believe that things worked out the way they should have. Cause honestly, I can't imagine Dante not having been in my life all this time.

Those are the highlights. Things are going well with the kids. I have joy in my heart on a daily basis. I can truly look back in the not-so-distant past and see how far I have come! It has been nothing short of miraculous...and most assuredly not something I did on my own! The emotional strongholds that have been released has been literally enlightening! The chains are falling away likes leaves off a tree in autumn! THANK YOU LORD FOR LOVING ME THIS MUCH!!

Words of Encouragement

A snippet from Nelson Mandela's Inaugural speech:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enligtened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

All I can say is WOW! That is exactly what I needed right now!

How about you?

Wanting More

Wanting More. Is that such a bad thing?

I had a debate with Wayne today about that very thing. I believe that as Christians, we shouldn't have to live barely. We should not be happy just scraping by or living paycheck-to-paycheck. But there are so many that misinterpret the Holy Bible into making themselves and others think that it's WRONG to want abundance, financial security, prosperity even.

Guess which side Wayne was on?

But we hashed it out, and came to a mutual understanding. He misunderstood me to say that I was unhappy in my current state, and I wouldn't be truly happy until I had money and things. I misunderstood him to say that God wants us to be in a place of "just barely", so that we would not become worshippers of money.

I quoted Philippians 4:11-12 to him. It's one of my faves: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Pretty awesome stuff huh??

What that scripture says to me is that I am okay whatever the situation. I am still blessed. I am still saved by grace. I am still under God's Mercy. When things are going perfectly, I am happy and blessed. When it seems things are falling apart around me, I am still just as blessed...which makes my spirit happy. However, I can still want for bigger and better things and expect God to give it to me. It's okay to ask for that 3000 plus square foot custom-built home I want...and expect to get it. It's okay to ask for a prosperous business with so many clients that I have to begin outsourcing the overflow to other single mothers who wish to stay at home...and expect that to happen. It's okay to ask for that 2007 or 2008 (possibly FlexFuel) GMC Yukon XL Denali in Black or White...and expect to have it in my possession within 2 years.

And you know what else? Not only is it okay to ask these things - and expect them to happen - God tells us in His word that we can! Remember doing something wrong as a child, and an adult asking you: "Who told you could do that?!" Every now and again, wasn't your answer "[Insert adult name here] told me I could."

Luke 11:9 (my personal scripture - it's my birthdate!): "So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." And further clarification in verse 10: "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Don't get it twisted though, God is not a tooth fairy or a genie granting wishes. There are things that we are required to do as well. Sound tricky? It's not. How's this for a good example:

You tell your child to wash dishes and sweep the floor, that's what she is responsible to do. However, days go by and her chores still are not done. On Friday, she asks to go to the movies with some friends. If you are a good parent who loves your child and believes in teaching responsibility and consequences for actions or inactions, you tell her no right?

Exact same concept! God has set forth "rules" and "provisions" for us to follow as well. And there's more to it than the 10 Commandments! Like believing in your heart that His son came to this earth, suffered and died for our sins, and was risen from the dead by His (our) Father! How about just talking to God? You know, praying about the big and little things in your life? Yes, God is omniscient and omnipresent, but He still wants to hear from YOU! Everyday. ALL DAY. He NEVER tires of hearing from us! (Moms: how many of us can say that every now and again we wish the word Mommy was NEVER INVENTED! lol)

Example again: Aforementioned child has not talked to you in 2 months. Then, outta the blue, she asks you for a new convertible Mustang. Same answer as before I'm guessing?

Not a lot to ask is it? How about that? Well, I don't know about you, but I am definitely standing on the promises of God! I want more than my present circumstances!! BUT, I am content to know that this is where I should be at this moment, and I won't always be here!

Today was that Day....

Seven years ago today, my daughter's paternal great-grandmother died.

Seven years ago today, my oldest friend had a daughter.

Seven years ago today, I discovered true evil had come knocking at our front door.

Seven years ago today, this nation was wrought with shock, horror, and grief as our fellow Americans died right before our eyes.

Seven years ago today, businessmen became national heroes aboard United Flight 93.

Seven years later, today, I say that which did not destroy us only made us stronger!

NEVER FORGET 9/11/01

The Memphis Weekend in Review

I am back from my trip...and sore as hell too! My back hurts to the touch (there was a barstool - and that's all I have to say about that one), not to mention most of the muscles from my shoulders to abs to thighs to calves are sore.

Wait! Don't get me wrong. I am certainly NOT complaining!! Not with this huge Smiley-X (ref Jack Nicholson's Joker) smile on my face!

We had a good time this weekend. We enjoyed each other's company. We played a few rounds of Scene-It (we're both major movie buffs). I cooked for him and spoiled him like I always do. He even had to leave a few times to hit the office because it was his weekend to be "on call" - complete with the BatPhone, as I called it! He told me as he pointed to the phone: "This phone has to be answered when it rings. No matter what's going on, no matter what we're doing. I have to stop and answer this phone." We both jumped a couple of times when it was ringing, but all was well.

Now, in between all that other excitement, there was lots and lots of sex to be had! We were both actually tired of that three letter word by the time I left on Sunday afternoon! Monday morning was a different story though! :-) All I looked forward to when I got home was a good old-fashioned soak in the tub with some Epsom salts for my aching muscles! If it wasn't for a shame, I could have used a sitz bath too for another part! LOL

We also had a very good talk while I was there. There were a lot of issues that I have been dealing with and things I wanted to say but were erroneously afraid to. I felt I was ready to ask if we had a viable shot at a relationship at some point. So I did. I was ready to point out any concerns about the ready-made family that comes with me in the package. So I did. I felt I was ready to ask about any concerns he had about me getting the reversal surgery and it not working. So I did. I wanted to know what happens after his divorce is final in a few months. You know, will he want to play the field to officially celebrate his "freedom"? Or, would he be ready to commit to another relationship at that point? So I asked those questions. I liked the brutally honest answers I got. I do not feel at any point that I was told what he thought I wanted to hear. Because truly more than anything else, I want the truth to best of his ability...and he knows that.

I was finally not afraid to express my true feelings for him. I have been so concerned about "being there by myself", that I wouldn't even admit to myself that I love him. Others close to me can see it though...including Wayne, who told me that about a month ago. Dante told me he's been wondering why I haven't said anything in all this time, because he remembers me saying I am typically 'quick to fall'. I told him partly because I trying to be hard and partly because I was afraid of loving someone who didn't love me back. His response to that, you ask? "I never said I didn't love you."

Didn't see that coming did you? Neither did I! It was a pleasant surprise though, that's for sure. Now, what has changed since that, you wonder? Nothing. We don't end conversations with I love you or anything like that. The relationship still is not at that stage I don't believe. What this talk did was answer (a little more than I expected) the burning question for me whether Dante and I really have a good chance at a long-term relationship. I am happy to report that the answer there is yes! Time and some effort will take it further at a later point.

So, short-but-sweet and very productive weekend I just had. I was a little miffed driving home, because my sister called to see what time I had left and what time I should arrive. That made me decide that I will find alternative sources of babysitting, and that we will do more halfway point trips as well. We're committed to giving it a shot, and that's all any of us really ask for isn't it?

p.s. I have also decided to withdraw from the one-night-a-week-for-four-hours classes at Lindenwood, and get things on track at Park University to complete my online degree as originally planned. If a weekend in 8 months time is an issue, I can't see the once a week thing going over too readily either!

Going to see my Punkin!!

It was a bit touch and go...but I am going to see my sweetie this weekend!!

Touch and go is code word for babysitting issues, as usual! Shocking, I know!

I asked my sister Leigh on Sunday, and explained to her that it was a big deal for me to go to Memphis. I haven't been down there since the last time I wrote about in what -January??!?! So you'd think watching my kids for a weekend would be no big deal considering you watched our other sister's kids for a whole week, right?

WRONG!

Same drama, different month. What I wanted to do was leave at about 12noon on Friday, and be there when he got home from work. Makes it a little hard though, when I am the designated children-picker-upper though! Then my sister tells me she'll babysit, but she doesn't want to give up her whole weekend. So as a compromise, I agreed to just leave early Saturday morning, and be back by about 6p on Sunday.

Do you know how pissed off and highly annoyed I am?? Yeah, yeah I know as some have said : She could have said no altogether. But let me explain this to you: Pretty much whenever my kids spend the night at my sister's house, I am there bright and early the next morning to retrieve them. I do that usually because I am made to feel that way. That's just for a quick overnight thing. I had my kids in Y camp all summer long. I didn't just assume that because she was off the summer, she would babysit them and I would just pay her something. I could have put her name on the CHASI as child care giver so she could have made that money. No, because sometimes it's about more than money. But I feel like, because my other sister over-burdened her the summer with her girls...then finished off the summer right before school started with a full-weeks vacation to Key West without her kids, I have to pay for that now.

Some parts of me are not as pissed as I am hurt, because I really shared with her that I want to put forth the effort to spend more time together, so that we can see if we have a viable option at a strong relationship. I think we do - even with some of the obvious obstacles - and so does he, but we are ready to delve a little further, perhaps moving past seeing each other once a month.

I am still going, almost nothing could keep me from that. We both need the time. There's some stuff I want to talk about, and really, I just can't wait for us to be in that space together again.

What I will say though, is I would rather just take my kids with me when I go, than to worry about them being such an inconvenience to someone else for a couple of days. I'll talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

Today Marks 2 Months!

Yep, just 2 short calendar months ago, I was called into the office and let go. Laid off. Given the boot. Given the old heave ho! You get the picture. Do I miss it?

In the immortal words of Alicia Silverstone as Cher in Clueless: As If!!

Seriously, what about feeding my sick child Motrin in the car in front of daycare and driving to work, praying it lasts the full 8 hours before it wears off should I be missing? What part of missing my Straight A students' Honor Program at school the end of last year because I couldn't have the day off should I be upset about?

Don't know? Yeah, me neither. That is what I will focus on, so that I never have to settle for that kind of misery and mediocrity again. Those kinds of things will be my 'Why'.

What's your 'Why'?

I am normal again

Wow! The enemy almost planted a good seed in my mind about Dante! You can completely disregard the previous post about the text message.
What I realized is that I trust him, and more importantly, I trust in God's plan for my life. I am better now. I am normal. I am back to my very eager self when it comes to him! He makes me smile at just the thought of him. I am still as addicted to his voice as I was the first time I heard it!

I look forward to what our future holds! Who knows? It may be a future together!