I've come to the realization that it's not the time in my life for me to be married. I've accepted the fact that I may very well finish out my thirties single. I'm actually pretty okay with that. So the guy that I'm with doesn't have to feel threatened that I want to be "walking that aisle" by year's end.
HOWEVER, is it too much to ask for a man to just be with me...and not biding his time between 2 women? Is it too much to ask for fidelity? Is it too much to ask for exclusivity? He's got a lot to work through and figure out in his life, and so do I. So, I'm not expecting a ring or even a live-in. I would just LOVE for it to be only two of us in this relationship.
That's all I ask.
Yes. Yes. I know. It does appear I should seek that ELSEWHERE...because Dante is too content "having his cake and eating it too" right now to be what I ask for!
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Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label men. Show all posts
February 2, 2010
January 12, 2010
Gone...For Good
We had a talk today, and he finally made a decision. I feel like before, I made the decision for him by walking away. So I decided after things had been going so well for us, to really be more aggressive and show him that I was for real. I invited him to go away for V-Day weekend to KC with me. He told me he would have to see what she wanted to do first then let me know! BLOCKED SHOT!! I had pretty much nothing else to say after that. We had a text convo later which turned into an actual call after that.
I feel like he finally made a choice, and he told me directly that IT WAS NOT ME. I heard it loud and clear. Even though his actions and emotions betray his mind, he is choosing to be with her. He actually said he wants to give her a chance! What about the one who gave you her everything for two years and you never gave her a chance because you were so busy with these other ones?! Ain't that a bitch! So, I talked to the BFF. And I cried to the BFF. My eyes are still tight (ie, slightly swollen) from crying. But, you know what? I get it now. Just like I told him. What he said is that he doesn't want me. No that's not what his mouth said, but his actions did.
If he really loved me and cared for me as much and as deeply as he says (mouth and body), then he would be with me. Apparently (as I told him today) he cares for her more. He says no to that, but again: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!
I'm tired. I am mentally tired. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am hurt to the core. But through it all... I AM STRONGER!! As much as I care about him, I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need or crave him anymore. I don't want to remember how his kisses felt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in his arms. I don't want to remember how it felt to make love to him and merge our very souls together. I want it all gone. I pray for it to be gone. Because I don't want a few weeks or a few months to go by and when things don't work out with her (long distance dumb ass, look what happened last time?!), I don't want to feel like I want him back! He doesn't deserve to have me again! I know I'm the queen of second and third and fourth chances, but this has to stop! All it gets me every time is heartbreak, while they move on to temporary happiness and maybe even marriage but after it all they're still wishing they had me!!
FUCK THAT!!!
I want the man that's gonna have me and realize his ass better act fast before someone else tries to steal this "good thing" he found!!! Not the one that is willing to fish around for something better, then when he realizes there IS NOT, comes back to my bay!! Screw that, I'm done with this bullshit! We are in our mid to late thirties...why the hell are so many men (read: black men) still playing games!!??
APPLICATIONS ARE BEING ACCEPTED. RACE NOT AN ISSUE.
I feel like he finally made a choice, and he told me directly that IT WAS NOT ME. I heard it loud and clear. Even though his actions and emotions betray his mind, he is choosing to be with her. He actually said he wants to give her a chance! What about the one who gave you her everything for two years and you never gave her a chance because you were so busy with these other ones?! Ain't that a bitch! So, I talked to the BFF. And I cried to the BFF. My eyes are still tight (ie, slightly swollen) from crying. But, you know what? I get it now. Just like I told him. What he said is that he doesn't want me. No that's not what his mouth said, but his actions did.
If he really loved me and cared for me as much and as deeply as he says (mouth and body), then he would be with me. Apparently (as I told him today) he cares for her more. He says no to that, but again: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!
I'm tired. I am mentally tired. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am hurt to the core. But through it all... I AM STRONGER!! As much as I care about him, I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need or crave him anymore. I don't want to remember how his kisses felt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in his arms. I don't want to remember how it felt to make love to him and merge our very souls together. I want it all gone. I pray for it to be gone. Because I don't want a few weeks or a few months to go by and when things don't work out with her (long distance dumb ass, look what happened last time?!), I don't want to feel like I want him back! He doesn't deserve to have me again! I know I'm the queen of second and third and fourth chances, but this has to stop! All it gets me every time is heartbreak, while they move on to temporary happiness and maybe even marriage but after it all they're still wishing they had me!!
FUCK THAT!!!
I want the man that's gonna have me and realize his ass better act fast before someone else tries to steal this "good thing" he found!!! Not the one that is willing to fish around for something better, then when he realizes there IS NOT, comes back to my bay!! Screw that, I'm done with this bullshit! We are in our mid to late thirties...why the hell are so many men (read: black men) still playing games!!??
APPLICATIONS ARE BEING ACCEPTED. RACE NOT AN ISSUE.
December 23, 2009
The Eve of Christmas Eve
That it is. I have basically finished what little shopping I am doing this year. I already told the Delightful Children it would be a lean Christmas this year. But I had a great day with my big sis, Leigh today. Dante and I are currently in the Friends with Benefits category currently, mainly because I'm greedy. Sure, he thinks it's him but this is all about me and what I want. We have been having good conversation, mainly as friends because that's all we are. He has a girlfriend, and it's not me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
November 28, 2009
As Bad As I Want To...
I'm not gonna cry again. It hurts like HELL to not be enough. It makes
me angry that I seem to only find men with monster issues that end up
causing me heartbreak. Attention men: if you are mentally screwed up
right now, do everyone a favor-DO NOT DATE!!!! Stop dragging women
into your shit!! You are not the only person in the world that has
been hurt you know! Most likely the woman (or women) that you are
playing around on now have gotten their heart stomped on a few times
too!! Did you ever think about that??
me angry that I seem to only find men with monster issues that end up
causing me heartbreak. Attention men: if you are mentally screwed up
right now, do everyone a favor-DO NOT DATE!!!! Stop dragging women
into your shit!! You are not the only person in the world that has
been hurt you know! Most likely the woman (or women) that you are
playing around on now have gotten their heart stomped on a few times
too!! Did you ever think about that??
Wanna hear something FUCKED UP???
After two years of a long distance relationship and him finally coming
home, he's deciding to be in a long distance relationship with Gwen,
the chick in Memphis!! WTF???
I get a damn text that says something like 'she wants to trust me but
she can't so I won't text you until I get home'. Then when I talked to
him before that he mentioned he would talk to me tomorrow. TOMORROW.
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?!?!
But I guess the hurt I feel right now is my own damn fault. Everytime
I get my hopes slightly up that we may have a chance, he deftly shoots
them down by being with Gwen.
I might as well be a cutter for the kind of pain I am purposely
inflicting on myself!
These are the times that my sister's choice not to date starts looking
REAL appealing...men really are more trouble than their worth! You
think that's bitterness and hurt talking huh? I don't really have an
example to prove me wrong! I thought Dante was. I was so very wrong
obviously.
November 24, 2009
It Rained, But Today Was Still Cool
I didn't do much today. I washed my hair in the shower and let it airdry. I actually ate breakfast today. 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices of canadian bacon, and 2 pieces of toast (no butter) with suger-free apricot butter. I didn't do it specifically for weight loss or anything, I just had a taste for that!
Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:
Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:
[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)
[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did
[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong
[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)
[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh
[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)
[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did
[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong
[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)
[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh
[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
I even read some very old blogs as I was backing it up offline, including the first time I blogged about him. It helped to remind me that we were only supposed to be a casual relationship anyway. It made feel a little better. But, still there are other relationships that started out that way and turned into more, so why can't it be that way for me?? Then today, just now while searching for that link above, I ended up reading some of the posts from this past year. Trying not to get upset again. Not at him so much as at myself for being such a wuss this whole time! I knew something was up, so many times over I knew. But I let it slide time and time again...and it just got worse.
I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.
On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...
I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.
On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...
November 23, 2009
Today Was Not Good
I guess after not hearing from him yesterday, it had just really taken it's toll on me. He sent me a good morning text and that was about it till the afternoon. He actually called me. I was shocked and happy. Until I heard how he sounded, so depressed. He talked for a while and I just listened. I am a very good listener. He told me about a dream he had of him coming back here to live and not knowing where I was. He said I wasn't living in this house and he was asking people if they knew where I was but they didn't. He classified that in the nightmare category. I was encouraged.
He shot that out of the sky quickly.
He proceeds to tell me about how Gwen doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in his bed anymore and how everytime she comes over there she finds stuff that she didn't leave. He tells me that is very upsetting to him too.
I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks. In my eyes, the bed isn't hers anyway.
I honestly think he wants to be with Gwen but doesn't really know how to make it work since he's supposed to be moving back here. Hey, Gwen has a job (ie, financially stable) and she can still have children. Like I told him today, "sounds like a no-brainer to me".
Hey, let's be for real. If he saw the true value in me and heard the words I have been saying to him this whole time, he wouldn't be "torn" about which of us to choose. He would already know wouldn't he? His thing is he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. Once again proving my point. I'm not the one for him. If he has a choice, it would be Gwen. What would have made it easier is if he would've gotten a job in Memphis, then he could use that excuse. He also said he expected both of us to just leave him after this crap came out with crazy girl. My response to that was that would have made things easy for him. He agreed.
WTF?? Are Marines going soft now? Easy???
I called him back a little later and he didn't seem that excited about hearing from me so I let him go. He called me back a bit later, still not seeming that happy to hear from me, and told me he MIGHT call back later.
Ooooh, should I hold my breath??? (lots of sarcasm)
After dying to hear from him the last few days, today left me wishing I hadn't heard from him. Though I am glad to have gotten that anger off my chest. (Yeah, I was very verbal with him about how pissed off and insulted I am at this situation. I told him that even after crazy girl, he is still leaving things how they were with me and Gwen, even though he KNOWS both of us are hurting, he just does NOTHING. I told him I was insulted that he is even torn between all that I have been for him in the last two years and someone that just popped up four damn months ago! Hell, she could still be putting on the 'trying to impress a man' front for all he knows!)
I even did something earlier today to try to take my mind off him, but it made me think about him more. So, again I ask:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????
P.S. I told him I missed him today, and he sounded damn near reluctant to say the same thing to me. O-U-C-H!!
He shot that out of the sky quickly.
He proceeds to tell me about how Gwen doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in his bed anymore and how everytime she comes over there she finds stuff that she didn't leave. He tells me that is very upsetting to him too.
I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks. In my eyes, the bed isn't hers anyway.
I honestly think he wants to be with Gwen but doesn't really know how to make it work since he's supposed to be moving back here. Hey, Gwen has a job (ie, financially stable) and she can still have children. Like I told him today, "sounds like a no-brainer to me".
Hey, let's be for real. If he saw the true value in me and heard the words I have been saying to him this whole time, he wouldn't be "torn" about which of us to choose. He would already know wouldn't he? His thing is he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. Once again proving my point. I'm not the one for him. If he has a choice, it would be Gwen. What would have made it easier is if he would've gotten a job in Memphis, then he could use that excuse. He also said he expected both of us to just leave him after this crap came out with crazy girl. My response to that was that would have made things easy for him. He agreed.
WTF?? Are Marines going soft now? Easy???
I called him back a little later and he didn't seem that excited about hearing from me so I let him go. He called me back a bit later, still not seeming that happy to hear from me, and told me he MIGHT call back later.
Ooooh, should I hold my breath??? (lots of sarcasm)
After dying to hear from him the last few days, today left me wishing I hadn't heard from him. Though I am glad to have gotten that anger off my chest. (Yeah, I was very verbal with him about how pissed off and insulted I am at this situation. I told him that even after crazy girl, he is still leaving things how they were with me and Gwen, even though he KNOWS both of us are hurting, he just does NOTHING. I told him I was insulted that he is even torn between all that I have been for him in the last two years and someone that just popped up four damn months ago! Hell, she could still be putting on the 'trying to impress a man' front for all he knows!)
I even did something earlier today to try to take my mind off him, but it made me think about him more. So, again I ask:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????
P.S. I told him I missed him today, and he sounded damn near reluctant to say the same thing to me. O-U-C-H!!
November 22, 2009
A Better Day
Well, for starters, I completely played hooky from church today. Yes, it was a choir day too. Yes, I needed this time to myself even more. I honestly had nothing in me to give today. I was just that drained.
I did basically nothing today. Dante and I had a brief text convo early in the day and nothing since then. That's been difficult for me. But I am better. I made the decision that I am better now. I am not 'working on it' or 'trying to make it through'. I am better.
I watched Tyler Perry's movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself today online. Great movie, it was just the pick-me-up and spiritual lift that I needed. I did just about nothing else today. But I am better.
Whether we reconcile or stay apart, I know I will be fine. This has been the longest week that I've had in a LONG time!
He had to do something very difficult today, which was talk to the crazy girl. I gave him some serious advice. I told him he needed to sincerely apologize to her for what he did to her. I told him he humiliated and disrespected her and that he hurt her to the core. He needs to apologize for that truly. How she behaves after that is up to her.
Could I have just sent him back into the arms of the woman who may be carrying his child? Indeed I may have. And if it's that easy, then he was never mine to have then, was he?
P.S. I really miss him.
I did basically nothing today. Dante and I had a brief text convo early in the day and nothing since then. That's been difficult for me. But I am better. I made the decision that I am better now. I am not 'working on it' or 'trying to make it through'. I am better.
I watched Tyler Perry's movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself today online. Great movie, it was just the pick-me-up and spiritual lift that I needed. I did just about nothing else today. But I am better.
Whether we reconcile or stay apart, I know I will be fine. This has been the longest week that I've had in a LONG time!
He had to do something very difficult today, which was talk to the crazy girl. I gave him some serious advice. I told him he needed to sincerely apologize to her for what he did to her. I told him he humiliated and disrespected her and that he hurt her to the core. He needs to apologize for that truly. How she behaves after that is up to her.
Could I have just sent him back into the arms of the woman who may be carrying his child? Indeed I may have. And if it's that easy, then he was never mine to have then, was he?
P.S. I really miss him.
November 21, 2009
Time Wasted
I'm starting to feel that way more and more. Just when I felt like my words and actions were getting through to him, he goes to the movies with Gwen last night!! WTF??!!
He has no intention to make a decision on what he really wants. Even as this entire situation that HE CREATED, this damn mess that he put us in has just blown up in his face, he still wants to keep everything as is. Gwen and I are still supposed to be okay with it and allow him time to make up his mind. The day that crazy woman called me on my damn cell phone was when he ran out of time!
I told him point blank that I believe he took 2 factors about me that are both rectifiable and magnified it to be greater than it really is. In doing that, that's how the others were allowed in. That's how Gwen has gotten this far. Well, I'm basically at the point that I don't want to wait on him to 'declare the winner'. This is not an episode of The Bachelor. She can have him, cause I am regrettably withdrawing from this "contest". I deserve someone who recognizes the uniqueness and genuineness of who I am and loves me for me...and that knows a good thing when they see it. He HAS me and still doesn't recognize, because he thinks he can do better.
Good. Fucking. Luck.
If he can't see that I am the prize, then perhaps he HAS made a decision. I'm not it and he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. Or I'm being kept around as the backup since he's supposed to be coming home anyway. I mean hell, it's like the woman that's been around for two years is the damn side piece and the 4-month chick is the main one! Talk about messed up!
I have been so understanding and caring to him throughout this whole ordeal, when I had no reason to be that way. Making sure to check on him, see how he's doing, if he's eating, let him know that someone still cares. But damnit, the way he feels is COMPLETELY HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH ASS FAULT!!! No one can save him from that. I refuse to feel more sympathy for him or any more empathy for him than he deserves. And from this point on, he really doesn't deserve it. I've given him more than enough, and he repaid me for it well last night. As the old folks would say, you made your bed now you have to lie in it. He has actually turned this around to make himself out to be the victim. And I fell for it. Love truly is blind.
Apparently, it's dumb as hell too.
P.S. I really miss him.
He has no intention to make a decision on what he really wants. Even as this entire situation that HE CREATED, this damn mess that he put us in has just blown up in his face, he still wants to keep everything as is. Gwen and I are still supposed to be okay with it and allow him time to make up his mind. The day that crazy woman called me on my damn cell phone was when he ran out of time!
I told him point blank that I believe he took 2 factors about me that are both rectifiable and magnified it to be greater than it really is. In doing that, that's how the others were allowed in. That's how Gwen has gotten this far. Well, I'm basically at the point that I don't want to wait on him to 'declare the winner'. This is not an episode of The Bachelor. She can have him, cause I am regrettably withdrawing from this "contest". I deserve someone who recognizes the uniqueness and genuineness of who I am and loves me for me...and that knows a good thing when they see it. He HAS me and still doesn't recognize, because he thinks he can do better.
Good. Fucking. Luck.
If he can't see that I am the prize, then perhaps he HAS made a decision. I'm not it and he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. Or I'm being kept around as the backup since he's supposed to be coming home anyway. I mean hell, it's like the woman that's been around for two years is the damn side piece and the 4-month chick is the main one! Talk about messed up!
I have been so understanding and caring to him throughout this whole ordeal, when I had no reason to be that way. Making sure to check on him, see how he's doing, if he's eating, let him know that someone still cares. But damnit, the way he feels is COMPLETELY HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH ASS FAULT!!! No one can save him from that. I refuse to feel more sympathy for him or any more empathy for him than he deserves. And from this point on, he really doesn't deserve it. I've given him more than enough, and he repaid me for it well last night. As the old folks would say, you made your bed now you have to lie in it. He has actually turned this around to make himself out to be the victim. And I fell for it. Love truly is blind.
Apparently, it's dumb as hell too.
P.S. I really miss him.
November 19, 2009
A Letter To Dante
This has only been edited to change one name and add a word that I forgot. Otherwise, this is how I emailed it to him after a conversation we had yesterday. There is a part that is not G-rated.
I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).
I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.
One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?
What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).
I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.
I love you and good luck.
I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).
I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.
One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?
What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).
I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.
I love you and good luck.
November 17, 2009
IT GOT WORSE
The day started out just fine. Church was awesome. Spent some time at my grandmother's with my family. My ex came and picked up DJ and Bruzer when him and his girlfriend got out of church. About 30 minutes before I planned to leave, I got a phone call that was blocked. Thinking it could be business-related, I answered it.
It was not.
It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.
I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.
As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.
The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.
First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!
I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.
I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.
I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.
This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.
I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.
Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!
It was not.
It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.
I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.
As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.
The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.
First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!
I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.
I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.
I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.
This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.
I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.
Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!
November 12, 2009
It Was All for Nothing
Guess who got dumped anyway?
Long story short (cliff note style):
I had a hard time with the fact that she basically spent the weekend at his place. So I talked to him and vented it about it Sunday morning before church.
He was coming in town the next evening (my birthday) to attend a veteran's job fair the next day. Supposedly he had decided to move back home, though he really doesn't want to.
All was well, he got me the gift I asked for and a beautiful card.
Kids were in bed, we were getting comfortable for the evening and he was laying on the bed in his boxers. But all I could see was the very prominent hickey on his chest!!!
I pointed in out to him and told him it was very disrepectful to me and that, even though I'm aware of the situation and trying to be okay with, that was like throwing it in my face.
I went to relax my mind by taking a shower...or so I thought.
The next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably for what had to be about 15 minutes. As much as I tried to hold it in that was the last straw. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I was hoping this wouldn't be the day that he decided to join me in the shower. I was so wrong.
He didn't come into the bathroom, but I found out when I got back to the bedroom that he was at the door and heard me. I was embarrassed by that.
He was so upset that he had actually begun to cry from hearing me like that. (Mind you, this is the one I have complained about not showing enough emotion)
No Birthday Sex for me. ( Hell yeah, I was still willing! It was my birthday, dammit!! I had a good buzz for it and everything.)
The next morning, after a rough night's sleep for both of us, he told me that he had to step away from me because he didn't want to hurt me like that again.
We talked extensively and I found out that although he had asked/told her a while back (especially after she knew the truth) NOT to put those marks on him, she did this intentionally because she knew he was coming home in a couple of days.
I had decided on my birthday that I was not going to speak ill of her because she was not the enemy and that the fault is Dante's not either one of us. She's just as innocent in this as I am.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!
She waited until he was asleep (sleep apnea, does not wake up easily AT ALL) and then did it.
EVIL, MALICIOUS, CHILDISH, CONNIVING B$TCH!
However, her plan worked. We are no longer a couple, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for her!!
I told him I can't possibly see how he would even want to talk to her, let alone still spend time with her, even if he is only going to be there for another 2 weeks, considering what she has cost him (ie, ME)!
Any other guy that I have talked to agrees, that she is not the type of chick they would continue messing around with.
I don't know if there is anything else for us later on. Honestly, I still think he is gonna stay in Memphis.
I wish him the best, but I know it'll never be the best if it's not me!
2 years of my life being almost fully devoted and giving my all...and this is the reward I get?
Long story short (cliff note style):
I had a hard time with the fact that she basically spent the weekend at his place. So I talked to him and vented it about it Sunday morning before church.
He was coming in town the next evening (my birthday) to attend a veteran's job fair the next day. Supposedly he had decided to move back home, though he really doesn't want to.
All was well, he got me the gift I asked for and a beautiful card.
Kids were in bed, we were getting comfortable for the evening and he was laying on the bed in his boxers. But all I could see was the very prominent hickey on his chest!!!
I pointed in out to him and told him it was very disrepectful to me and that, even though I'm aware of the situation and trying to be okay with, that was like throwing it in my face.
I went to relax my mind by taking a shower...or so I thought.
The next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably for what had to be about 15 minutes. As much as I tried to hold it in that was the last straw. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I was hoping this wouldn't be the day that he decided to join me in the shower. I was so wrong.
He didn't come into the bathroom, but I found out when I got back to the bedroom that he was at the door and heard me. I was embarrassed by that.
He was so upset that he had actually begun to cry from hearing me like that. (Mind you, this is the one I have complained about not showing enough emotion)
No Birthday Sex for me. ( Hell yeah, I was still willing! It was my birthday, dammit!! I had a good buzz for it and everything.)
The next morning, after a rough night's sleep for both of us, he told me that he had to step away from me because he didn't want to hurt me like that again.
We talked extensively and I found out that although he had asked/told her a while back (especially after she knew the truth) NOT to put those marks on him, she did this intentionally because she knew he was coming home in a couple of days.
I had decided on my birthday that I was not going to speak ill of her because she was not the enemy and that the fault is Dante's not either one of us. She's just as innocent in this as I am.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!
She waited until he was asleep (sleep apnea, does not wake up easily AT ALL) and then did it.
EVIL, MALICIOUS, CHILDISH, CONNIVING B$TCH!
However, her plan worked. We are no longer a couple, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for her!!
I told him I can't possibly see how he would even want to talk to her, let alone still spend time with her, even if he is only going to be there for another 2 weeks, considering what she has cost him (ie, ME)!
Any other guy that I have talked to agrees, that she is not the type of chick they would continue messing around with.
I don't know if there is anything else for us later on. Honestly, I still think he is gonna stay in Memphis.
I wish him the best, but I know it'll never be the best if it's not me!
2 years of my life being almost fully devoted and giving my all...and this is the reward I get?
November 1, 2009
What an Awesome Time I Had!!!
The party Friday night was great! I got to see a lot of people from the old high school days. I was with a group of girls that I knew, Kween was one of them. It was great! You know what? I decided I would not be a wall flower this time, that I was gonna have me some fun. I was NOT gonna just sit at the table and chit chat! Hell, I can do that on the phone!! lol I also decided that I wasn't gonna buy my own drinks either.
I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!
We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol
As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!
Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:
Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX
Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??
On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!
Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!
Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!
I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!
We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol
As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!
Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:
Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX
Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??
On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!
Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!
Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!
September 10, 2009
Lots of Discord
SO many things going crazy right now. School isn't going so well due to the stress of home-hunting and moving on the horizon. The home thing itself is enough to cause me to have an aneurism. And to top it all off, the relationship is sucking right now too. It may just be me, because I know I have some underlying feelings about him not coming home now. I'm mad and hurt and sad and disappointed and...
You get the picture!
I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"
I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.
I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!
Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.
What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.
It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...
Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!
You get the picture!
I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"
I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.
I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!
Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.
What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.
It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...
Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!
August 12, 2009
Funny How Things Happen
Never did talk to Dante that Monday night. He sent me a text early yesterday morning asking was I working. No. So he called a few minutes later. We talked a bit. I mentioned how he didn't talk to me all day and he said he was mad. Are you kidding me? You're getting messy and I call you on it, and you're mad? Of course he never admitted to wrong doing or having anyone there, but I refused to let my intuition be squelched. I do not discount my intuition, it's there for a reason. We had a discussion and he said very palinly that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship when and if he came home. Damn! Did I just get hit in the gut? So after almost two years I suppose he's just gonna be content "hittin' it" when he wants some and spending time if he feels like it?
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
August 10, 2009
I Am The Prize
I have to remind myself of that today, and everyday from now on. Today has been very difficult as far as relationships go. I discovered last night that everytime I talked to Dante yesterday, he was mobile. I even tested the theory when he arrived home last night. Before he got to his apartment, he got off the phone with me. He told me he would be fixing him something to eat and headed to bed. It was 930P!!! I even tried to play-pout and ask would he at least call me to say goodnight. He said he couldn't do it. I waited until I knew for sure he was in the house and settled, about 10 min, then I called his cell.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
July 11, 2009
Recovering
It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
July 9, 2009
What About Me? What About Us?
I have a lot to talk about. Mainly the awesome time we had in Indiana at HolidayWorld the past couple of days! I will definitely be going back next year! But that post is for another time.
The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?
At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.
What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):
"What about me?"
The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?
At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.
What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):
"What about me?"
June 19, 2009
He Came, He Went, We Enjoyed Thoroughly
Dante left yesterday morning. It was a very good visit. As I mentioned before, he also found out he did not get promoted so he will getting out of the military in a couple of months. Because he has so much leave still on the books, he will actually be home around mid-August for good. I know! It's hard to believe that after almost 2 years, this won't be a long distance relationship anymore!
Yes, that does bring on a bit of anxiety...for both of us. I assume that now that we will closer geographically, then things should begin to progress more for us relationally and emotionally. Then I also worry that we won't cut it as a couple if he's close. What if he gets here and after a few months of the day-to-day life, realize this really isn't what he wants. I've been told a time or three that it's not me, it's getting used to someone with kids that's a big issue for him. I told him last night not to prolong the inevitable in an attempt not to hurt me, because those "best intentions" are usually what cause more pain in the end. I'm just being honest.
We had a great talk before he left, well into the wee hours of the morning. I finally told him something I had been wanting to say for a very long time. I told him I really hated his phone! Not the brand, or the way it rings, but the way it makes me feel. I told him I actually feel like I have to compete with the phone. Not so much because he's always on it, but moreso because I don't know what other women I am competing with on the other end! We talked until almost 2 in the morning...and do you know he was still getting text messages that whole time!!! I realize now that I should have been furious at the time, but I try to be so slow to anger that I probable hurt myself more than anything. What I should have done is got up and walked the hell outta the room! I would NEVER do that to him! When did I become such a doormat! That was not okay! As I told him that night, when that phone is going off all day and night, I KNOW it's not a Marine texting! I still don't think that was a Marine taking up all of MY TIME when we were at dinner in Atlanta that night! Talk about feeling "not good enough"!!! Honestly, if I come in the room and see him on that phone it bothers me instantly, because I know who it probably is.
I even made a point to tell him that my phone and my life is open to him. He can pick up my phone at any time and look in it...CAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Guess who can't say the same thing? His phone is locked and password protected! Which I very clearly pointed out makes me assume there's something in there he doesn't want me to see! Didn't get a response to that one...shocking! What I was trying to get across to him is that I made the decision to be committed to him...and ONLY him. I expected that by now we would be on the same page. Then he reminds me of the "understanding" that we had about me knowing that he has women friends that he talks to and hangs out with.
I'm gonna stop now because I am getting a little upset just writing about it! I feel like the more I "talk" this out it makes me realize that I have been allowing this man to cheat on me and disrespect me. Just in case it's not clear how he's disrespected me:
Yes, that does bring on a bit of anxiety...for both of us. I assume that now that we will closer geographically, then things should begin to progress more for us relationally and emotionally. Then I also worry that we won't cut it as a couple if he's close. What if he gets here and after a few months of the day-to-day life, realize this really isn't what he wants. I've been told a time or three that it's not me, it's getting used to someone with kids that's a big issue for him. I told him last night not to prolong the inevitable in an attempt not to hurt me, because those "best intentions" are usually what cause more pain in the end. I'm just being honest.
We had a great talk before he left, well into the wee hours of the morning. I finally told him something I had been wanting to say for a very long time. I told him I really hated his phone! Not the brand, or the way it rings, but the way it makes me feel. I told him I actually feel like I have to compete with the phone. Not so much because he's always on it, but moreso because I don't know what other women I am competing with on the other end! We talked until almost 2 in the morning...and do you know he was still getting text messages that whole time!!! I realize now that I should have been furious at the time, but I try to be so slow to anger that I probable hurt myself more than anything. What I should have done is got up and walked the hell outta the room! I would NEVER do that to him! When did I become such a doormat! That was not okay! As I told him that night, when that phone is going off all day and night, I KNOW it's not a Marine texting! I still don't think that was a Marine taking up all of MY TIME when we were at dinner in Atlanta that night! Talk about feeling "not good enough"!!! Honestly, if I come in the room and see him on that phone it bothers me instantly, because I know who it probably is.
I even made a point to tell him that my phone and my life is open to him. He can pick up my phone at any time and look in it...CAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Guess who can't say the same thing? His phone is locked and password protected! Which I very clearly pointed out makes me assume there's something in there he doesn't want me to see! Didn't get a response to that one...shocking! What I was trying to get across to him is that I made the decision to be committed to him...and ONLY him. I expected that by now we would be on the same page. Then he reminds me of the "understanding" that we had about me knowing that he has women friends that he talks to and hangs out with.
I'm gonna stop now because I am getting a little upset just writing about it! I feel like the more I "talk" this out it makes me realize that I have been allowing this man to cheat on me and disrespect me. Just in case it's not clear how he's disrespected me:
While you're with the woman you say you love and care for deeply, you can't stop sending text messages back and forth to at least one woman who very obviously wants to be in a relationship with you, that you are calling 'your friend'. Well when she sends text messages that say 'Are You Okay Baby' (yeah, that one) ...she is obviously trying to be (or maybe already is) more than a friend! It's disrespectful to the person you are with to even allow a situation like that to persist. Noone else should be sending messages to you saying 'Good Morning Baby' (I looked once, different person) but the person you are involved with...PERIOD!!!!! But that's just MY opinion!
I'll try to be more positive later, I promise! I really did enjoy our time together...and that fact that he spent basically the WHOLE VISIT here with me and the kids was awesome! I wouldn't have even dreamed about asking that! He gave me a break and took the the kids out to eat. That shows me that he's really trying on that front. I know how it is when you are completely set against something, it can take a while to get to the other side. I just hope he understands that he won't be just 'my husband' if it progresses to that point. He will be a father figure to some of my kids and a full-on dad to the others. That costs nothing but time and emotions. I've been taking care of my kids alone for a while now, so I'm not looking at him like a gravy train. I'm looking for someone who can make that all-important emotional connection with them. A surefire way to my heart is through my kids.
June 13, 2009
Back to Work
Well, I passed my certification, so I am officially on the phones now! WooHoo!! My first day taking calls was today...not-so-great. My talk time was extremely high, which made me feel like a failure. I will continue to work on that. Classes are going okay so far. Finishing up training put my schoolwork on the back burner a bit. I should be ok though, gotta stay dedicated.
My Sweetie made it into town Thursday! It's his 20year high school reunion this weekend, so that was the main reason he was here. He also found out yesterday that he didn't get promoted like he had hoped, so he will be getting out of the USMC in a few months. I really felt for him and I wish I could have done more to cheer him up. We've been mainly just enjoying each other's company, it's really great.
He did a very awesome thing tonight, which was take my four brats plus his neice and nephew to Dave & Buster's to eat and play! Told me he was giving me a break! Yes, I know!!!! SO SWEET! He will definitely be rewarded for that! (wink)
He out doing more reunion stuff now. I kinda felt weird that he didn't think to invite me to anything. I mean, if it was me, I would definitely invite the person that I am with. Maybe that's just me though. Perhaps he just didn't really think about it. You know I am slightly paranoid about our level of visibility as a couple (in his world at least). As a matter of fact, not too long ago we had a conversation that he felt lonely at the banquet because everyone else was there with spouses and SOs and he was there by himself. Then he said he would have asked but he knows how it is with me and babysitting! I assured him that he is a priority to me, this was a very important event, and I for damn sure would have found a babysitter! I made a gently firm request to never assume anything like that again.
I think we're clear now.
My Sweetie made it into town Thursday! It's his 20year high school reunion this weekend, so that was the main reason he was here. He also found out yesterday that he didn't get promoted like he had hoped, so he will be getting out of the USMC in a few months. I really felt for him and I wish I could have done more to cheer him up. We've been mainly just enjoying each other's company, it's really great.
He did a very awesome thing tonight, which was take my four brats plus his neice and nephew to Dave & Buster's to eat and play! Told me he was giving me a break! Yes, I know!!!! SO SWEET! He will definitely be rewarded for that! (wink)
He out doing more reunion stuff now. I kinda felt weird that he didn't think to invite me to anything. I mean, if it was me, I would definitely invite the person that I am with. Maybe that's just me though. Perhaps he just didn't really think about it. You know I am slightly paranoid about our level of visibility as a couple (in his world at least). As a matter of fact, not too long ago we had a conversation that he felt lonely at the banquet because everyone else was there with spouses and SOs and he was there by himself. Then he said he would have asked but he knows how it is with me and babysitting! I assured him that he is a priority to me, this was a very important event, and I for damn sure would have found a babysitter! I made a gently firm request to never assume anything like that again.
I think we're clear now.
May 18, 2009
A Challenging Evening
Okay so here we go. Last night there was an incident with Dante where I got to listen in on what was going on at his home without him knowing. No! I didn't plant a bug! Although.....
...aaaand, I'm back!
I sent him a text message because he got off the phone sounding upset, so I wanted to know if everything was okay. Well, I guess when he touched it his iPhone to acknowledge the text (that he didn't answer), it called me. I thought he was on the phone, my kids were talking in the background plus tv so I wasn't hearing so clearly. It took me a few minutes to realize he couldn't hear me. I sent a text to ask if he could hear me. I heard his phone vibrate when the thext came through, but still nothing. That's when I heard someone else talking. It was a woman he was having a conversation with. They were talking about the playoff baskeball game that was on, really rather uneventful. But, you know our past can come back to haunt us in the strangest ways. I had a flashback of Roy again from back in the day. Listening to him telling some woman about his townhouse and his business...while the cell phone that I bought and paid for was in his pocket ON!!
There was a joke about his sheets and that's when my heart started pounding almost out of control! It wasn't anything suggestive, just enough for me to know whoever she was, she was in his bedroom! Then they went back to talking about the game. After listening for a little while longer (okay, like 16 minutes) and not hearing anything incriminating, I hung up. I sent a text message saying "call me when the game goes off and your company leaves". He sent a message not long after that, but I left my phone on the charger in another room. I heard the next text though, when he asked was I mad at him. So we went back and forth by text for a bit, but then he called to clarify what was going on. He says he had some people over watching the playoff game, though I never heard anybody but that one. When he called he was conveniently 'taking the out the trash', so he never technically talked to me while he was inside his place. He got off the phone so he could 'go back in and not be rude' to his company. Here's my thing with that: Call me rude, but if my sweetie is calling me you can be damn sure I'm not going outside of my OWN PLACE to talk to him! To make it worse, I didn't hear from him again until about 530a the next morning, asking me to call him at work.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. A little part of me is thinking it too. I mean come on! I hear a woman's voice in the apartment with him, he goes outside to talk to me, and then I don't hear from him the rest of the night????!!!!
(Alarm Bells Ringing)
Anyway long talk later that morning, I told him exactly what I said in that last paragraph. I just wanted him to know, that if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing...I didn't miss it. If I choose to let it pass, that's another thing. Perhaps he could convince me that what he said was the truth about what happened last night. Perhaps...
...aaaand, I'm back!
I sent him a text message because he got off the phone sounding upset, so I wanted to know if everything was okay. Well, I guess when he touched it his iPhone to acknowledge the text (that he didn't answer), it called me. I thought he was on the phone, my kids were talking in the background plus tv so I wasn't hearing so clearly. It took me a few minutes to realize he couldn't hear me. I sent a text to ask if he could hear me. I heard his phone vibrate when the thext came through, but still nothing. That's when I heard someone else talking. It was a woman he was having a conversation with. They were talking about the playoff baskeball game that was on, really rather uneventful. But, you know our past can come back to haunt us in the strangest ways. I had a flashback of Roy again from back in the day. Listening to him telling some woman about his townhouse and his business...while the cell phone that I bought and paid for was in his pocket ON!!
There was a joke about his sheets and that's when my heart started pounding almost out of control! It wasn't anything suggestive, just enough for me to know whoever she was, she was in his bedroom! Then they went back to talking about the game. After listening for a little while longer (okay, like 16 minutes) and not hearing anything incriminating, I hung up. I sent a text message saying "call me when the game goes off and your company leaves". He sent a message not long after that, but I left my phone on the charger in another room. I heard the next text though, when he asked was I mad at him. So we went back and forth by text for a bit, but then he called to clarify what was going on. He says he had some people over watching the playoff game, though I never heard anybody but that one. When he called he was conveniently 'taking the out the trash', so he never technically talked to me while he was inside his place. He got off the phone so he could 'go back in and not be rude' to his company. Here's my thing with that: Call me rude, but if my sweetie is calling me you can be damn sure I'm not going outside of my OWN PLACE to talk to him! To make it worse, I didn't hear from him again until about 530a the next morning, asking me to call him at work.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. A little part of me is thinking it too. I mean come on! I hear a woman's voice in the apartment with him, he goes outside to talk to me, and then I don't hear from him the rest of the night????!!!!
(Alarm Bells Ringing)
Anyway long talk later that morning, I told him exactly what I said in that last paragraph. I just wanted him to know, that if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing...I didn't miss it. If I choose to let it pass, that's another thing. Perhaps he could convince me that what he said was the truth about what happened last night. Perhaps...
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