And right at the New Year...how appropriate! I don't have much to say this evening. I worked today, by myself, and it was VERY busy. So, I am tired, and I will not be up to see midnight tonight. Last night was yet another night of laying in the bed, thinking too much and unable to fall asleep. I work tomorrow from noon to 4pm, then the rest of the week is the usual 8a-430p.
I've got a lot on my mind, lots of changes to make, so the big long post will have to wait until New Year's Day. But, I am pretty proud of my 200th post, if I do say so myself!!!!!
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December 31, 2007
December 30, 2007
Poor Girl With The Four Children
Or apparently that's what people think I think about myself. My family to be specific.
It's not.
I am just keenly aware that I have more children than only one person I know (my oldest friend, Moira, has 6). When most of the people I know have two children, I just think it's a lot to ask someone to babysit 4. I have absolutely no problem watching other people's kids cause hey, I've already got 4....what's 2 more!? Or at least that's the way I see it.
But both my mother and my sister seem to think I am singing this sad song that I should be the victim or something because I have four children. So I had to set them both straight this weekend about what I mean when I say that. My kids were my choice, and my dream, I never ever want sympathy for them. When I was younger and before I had children, I always said I wanted "2 sets of two". Twins would have been awesome, because I was so fascinated with them....but it just didn't happen. The part I forgot to be specific about, was the loving husband there with me every step of the way.
Whoops! My bad. Careful what you ask for.
Leigh told me that watching my four is no bigger deal than watching the Officer's two, and that really made me feel better. I told her how hard it was to ask her to watch the kids so I could go to Memphis to visit Dante, and she said she knew that. As bad as I wanted to go, it was equally as difficult to ask anyone for such a favor. But, I realized something today. I need to watch what I say. If my family has heard me say that and that's how they think I feel, then perhaps my kids think that way too. No more of that, then!
Dante and I are hoping for another trip to Memphis soon...and I would love for it to be in January sometime. So, since it's not as big a burden as I have made it out to be, then I will ask again when I'm ready to go back! Not saying I will be careless, and start asking folks all the time, but I will not be like I have been about it. So hopefully when we are ready to take our getaway trip (to who knows where), the family will be fine with watching my bunch.
You know, honestly, I can't imagine not having any of my children. Everyone is unique, and their personality is priceless (good and not-so-good). Even right now, it's ok that DJ is not here, cause I know he's with his father and that side of his family. But imagining him gone on permanent basis....not even possible. I don't regret a minute of the drama I was put through with any of their fathers for the children God gave me. They are not burden. They are the joy of my life and -many times I feel- my reason for being. I named my businesses after them, so I am always reminded of who I am and why I do what I do.
Lord, thank you for DJ, Starr, Champagne, and Bruzer....Your gifts are not lost on me. I couldn't thank You enough for the privilege of being their mother. For without them, there would be no
Solo-Mommy!
It's not.
I am just keenly aware that I have more children than only one person I know (my oldest friend, Moira, has 6). When most of the people I know have two children, I just think it's a lot to ask someone to babysit 4. I have absolutely no problem watching other people's kids cause hey, I've already got 4....what's 2 more!? Or at least that's the way I see it.
But both my mother and my sister seem to think I am singing this sad song that I should be the victim or something because I have four children. So I had to set them both straight this weekend about what I mean when I say that. My kids were my choice, and my dream, I never ever want sympathy for them. When I was younger and before I had children, I always said I wanted "2 sets of two". Twins would have been awesome, because I was so fascinated with them....but it just didn't happen. The part I forgot to be specific about, was the loving husband there with me every step of the way.
Whoops! My bad. Careful what you ask for.
Leigh told me that watching my four is no bigger deal than watching the Officer's two, and that really made me feel better. I told her how hard it was to ask her to watch the kids so I could go to Memphis to visit Dante, and she said she knew that. As bad as I wanted to go, it was equally as difficult to ask anyone for such a favor. But, I realized something today. I need to watch what I say. If my family has heard me say that and that's how they think I feel, then perhaps my kids think that way too. No more of that, then!
Dante and I are hoping for another trip to Memphis soon...and I would love for it to be in January sometime. So, since it's not as big a burden as I have made it out to be, then I will ask again when I'm ready to go back! Not saying I will be careless, and start asking folks all the time, but I will not be like I have been about it. So hopefully when we are ready to take our getaway trip (to who knows where), the family will be fine with watching my bunch.
You know, honestly, I can't imagine not having any of my children. Everyone is unique, and their personality is priceless (good and not-so-good). Even right now, it's ok that DJ is not here, cause I know he's with his father and that side of his family. But imagining him gone on permanent basis....not even possible. I don't regret a minute of the drama I was put through with any of their fathers for the children God gave me. They are not burden. They are the joy of my life and -many times I feel- my reason for being. I named my businesses after them, so I am always reminded of who I am and why I do what I do.
Lord, thank you for DJ, Starr, Champagne, and Bruzer....Your gifts are not lost on me. I couldn't thank You enough for the privilege of being their mother. For without them, there would be no
Solo-Mommy!
December 29, 2007
Saturday, The "Lazy" Day
So, I decided to stay in today and rest...well sort of. My energy isn't up to full strength yet, but I still have laundry to do and a house to clean. Unlike others, this does not mark the start of a 4 day weekend for me. I work all day on New Year's Eve and half a day on January 1st.
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.
Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?
Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?
In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!
My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.
Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?
Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?
In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!
My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!
December 28, 2007
The Road to Recovery
Wow, you won't believe how much better I feel! From yesterday to today, it's like a whole new person!
I ate mandarin oranges for breakfast, then late morning I had some chicken broth with saltine crackers. I was actually feeling hungry after that, so Kween and I had Subway for lunch. I usually get a Meatball Sub, but I figured that would just be pushing it, so I got regular cold cuts. Life was good. My energy stores were still low so, I have been taking it easy today. But I didn't even sleep at my desk, I was awake the whole time.
And....I even had on 3 3/4 in stacked heels! Yes!! Rest assured, she's back!
No dinner this evening, just not very hungry really. Still trying to take it easy back into solid foods. We'll start anew tomorrow.
Talked to Can't Get Right today. He told me yesterday that he wanted to talk to me and could I call him back in 30minutes. Well of course he wasn't answering when I called. What-ever. He called today and I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me he had lost his nerve. I had already told Kween earlier that he probably had a feeling I was seeing someone and wanted to ask, but changed his mind. The thing about me is if you ask a question I assume you want the answer, so I will tell you. He knows this too.
Anyhow, when I asked what he had to talk to me about and he BS'd around it, I half-jokingly asked if he had another baby on the way. Well, I didn't like his answer, so I probed further. Turns out, he almost did!!!! By this most recent baby mama (who lied and told him she had an IUD, but really wanted a baby) is who it was. Now my thing about this is this:
What if -when he assured the divorce was on the horizon this last time- I actually believed him, and waited for him, and not saw anyone else? First off, I would be missing out on Dante. That, at this point, is completely unimaginable. I can't begin to say how much I adore him (and that's all I am willing to admit to myself). Secondly, I would be devastated to the point of slightly crazy by now. I waited and you've been sleeping with someone else???
So, what do I really think about this new revelation? What a great way to end this year. I knew in my heart it was over, and this just solidified it for me. Thank You Lord for helping me close doors.
What's most hilarious is that that news is not what he wanted to talk to me about. He wanted to talk to me about me and him!!!!! HA! I just want him to be a father to Starr, that's all I ask.
To top the evening off, me and the ex-husband had an argument tonight! Let me backtrack to say yes I have 2 ex-husbands. But the likelihood of me EVER talking about ex-husband #2 is just rare period. If I do, I will let you know. But hereafter, I am always talking about my first husband when I mention ex-husband (also DJ's father).
It started out with him asking to claim DJ on taxes next year, and thinking he was fooling me into believing the benefit is to DJ by giving him a $500 CD. We have already had the tax-claiming as a favor, him reniging on his part of the deal scenario once in our lifetime...and I said never again. But I told him I would at least think about it, and I meant that. One thing led to another about extra fees being paid by me, and him saying that's what child support is for, and me pointing out that his child support has not been adjusted in the 10 years it's been in effect. It was going downhill from there -- and fast! He was actually yelling! And even said some crazy mess like let DJ come live with him! I told him that money meant nothing, I would much rather have him sitting at the sidelines of one of DJs basketball games...like all the other boys had at some point or another. I would rather him attend some parent-teacher conferences, or talk to his teachers throughout the year. I would rather him have been in the audience at DJs spelling bee. You know, little things like that! But he can't see that at all. I just want my kids to have better father relationships than I had/have. Is that too much to ask??
I try not to get my Punkin involved in those drama-filled moments of my life if I can help it. I don't know if I'm trying to put on a front or if it's just we're not quite on that level yet to really share. I vented to the bff, and will probably talk to mama later. I mean those are the people that were there since day one, through the good and the very bad and very ugly of our history. I don't want him to have to experience that if I can help it. I really care about him, and while I know all our time can't be happy, at least I can try to keep the unnecessary drama that I have to deal with out of his life. He's got his own stuff to deal with, and I care that much about him not to add my occasional messiness to it.
What's funny is that I have Dante on my desktop at work, so he's the first thing and last thing I see at my desk. Then I have a polaroid of him on my bookcase headboard, so I usually see him before I go to sleep too. Plus I have pictures of him in my beloved Treo as well. I am really smitten with him. But when I think really hard about it, I don't think there's more to it than that. I could be in denial, this is true. But I don't think so. I think I am just protected because we had our conversation so long ago about the limitations of what we are and what we could be....so it's really a protective mechanism.
Though in all honesty, if I could turn it on....he would be totally worth suffering a heartbreak over.
Yes. I am THAT crazy about him.
I ate mandarin oranges for breakfast, then late morning I had some chicken broth with saltine crackers. I was actually feeling hungry after that, so Kween and I had Subway for lunch. I usually get a Meatball Sub, but I figured that would just be pushing it, so I got regular cold cuts. Life was good. My energy stores were still low so, I have been taking it easy today. But I didn't even sleep at my desk, I was awake the whole time.
And....I even had on 3 3/4 in stacked heels! Yes!! Rest assured, she's back!
No dinner this evening, just not very hungry really. Still trying to take it easy back into solid foods. We'll start anew tomorrow.
Talked to Can't Get Right today. He told me yesterday that he wanted to talk to me and could I call him back in 30minutes. Well of course he wasn't answering when I called. What-ever. He called today and I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me he had lost his nerve. I had already told Kween earlier that he probably had a feeling I was seeing someone and wanted to ask, but changed his mind. The thing about me is if you ask a question I assume you want the answer, so I will tell you. He knows this too.
Anyhow, when I asked what he had to talk to me about and he BS'd around it, I half-jokingly asked if he had another baby on the way. Well, I didn't like his answer, so I probed further. Turns out, he almost did!!!! By this most recent baby mama (who lied and told him she had an IUD, but really wanted a baby) is who it was. Now my thing about this is this:
What if -when he assured the divorce was on the horizon this last time- I actually believed him, and waited for him, and not saw anyone else? First off, I would be missing out on Dante. That, at this point, is completely unimaginable. I can't begin to say how much I adore him (and that's all I am willing to admit to myself). Secondly, I would be devastated to the point of slightly crazy by now. I waited and you've been sleeping with someone else???
So, what do I really think about this new revelation? What a great way to end this year. I knew in my heart it was over, and this just solidified it for me. Thank You Lord for helping me close doors.
What's most hilarious is that that news is not what he wanted to talk to me about. He wanted to talk to me about me and him!!!!! HA! I just want him to be a father to Starr, that's all I ask.
To top the evening off, me and the ex-husband had an argument tonight! Let me backtrack to say yes I have 2 ex-husbands. But the likelihood of me EVER talking about ex-husband #2 is just rare period. If I do, I will let you know. But hereafter, I am always talking about my first husband when I mention ex-husband (also DJ's father).
It started out with him asking to claim DJ on taxes next year, and thinking he was fooling me into believing the benefit is to DJ by giving him a $500 CD. We have already had the tax-claiming as a favor, him reniging on his part of the deal scenario once in our lifetime...and I said never again. But I told him I would at least think about it, and I meant that. One thing led to another about extra fees being paid by me, and him saying that's what child support is for, and me pointing out that his child support has not been adjusted in the 10 years it's been in effect. It was going downhill from there -- and fast! He was actually yelling! And even said some crazy mess like let DJ come live with him! I told him that money meant nothing, I would much rather have him sitting at the sidelines of one of DJs basketball games...like all the other boys had at some point or another. I would rather him attend some parent-teacher conferences, or talk to his teachers throughout the year. I would rather him have been in the audience at DJs spelling bee. You know, little things like that! But he can't see that at all. I just want my kids to have better father relationships than I had/have. Is that too much to ask??
I try not to get my Punkin involved in those drama-filled moments of my life if I can help it. I don't know if I'm trying to put on a front or if it's just we're not quite on that level yet to really share. I vented to the bff, and will probably talk to mama later. I mean those are the people that were there since day one, through the good and the very bad and very ugly of our history. I don't want him to have to experience that if I can help it. I really care about him, and while I know all our time can't be happy, at least I can try to keep the unnecessary drama that I have to deal with out of his life. He's got his own stuff to deal with, and I care that much about him not to add my occasional messiness to it.
What's funny is that I have Dante on my desktop at work, so he's the first thing and last thing I see at my desk. Then I have a polaroid of him on my bookcase headboard, so I usually see him before I go to sleep too. Plus I have pictures of him in my beloved Treo as well. I am really smitten with him. But when I think really hard about it, I don't think there's more to it than that. I could be in denial, this is true. But I don't think so. I think I am just protected because we had our conversation so long ago about the limitations of what we are and what we could be....so it's really a protective mechanism.
Though in all honesty, if I could turn it on....he would be totally worth suffering a heartbreak over.
Yes. I am THAT crazy about him.
December 27, 2007
Guess who is sick again?
Yes, don't be jealous. It is I! My annual bout of sickness has come upon me. Let's see. It started with the severe body aches and chills last Thursday and Friday. It lightened up over the weekend, though left me completely void of energy. Monday I lounged, since I had a relapse. Christmas Day I worked for four hours, from noon to 4p. All was normal until...
Last night at about 9p when anything I had left in my stomach decided it wanted out...and fast! I slept on the couch and at 330a and 5a, I was up over the porcelain bowl dry heaving since there was nothing left in there to throw up. I debated going to work today. But since I am trying to keep my occurrences down to a minimum, I went ahead and got up. I got there about 15 minutes late and pretty much slept all day. I drank water this morning, and within an hour that was coming back up. I ate some mandarin oranges about 1p.
I was able to keep them down!! WooHoo!!
When I got home, I was actually starting to feel hungry, so I crunched on some dry cereal.
Still doing good.
Time to move up to chicken broth. I have finished a half teacup at the time of this writing, and all is still well!
At this rate, I may actually want to eat real food by tomorrow!!
So, backtrack to Christmas. It was a splendid day. I was so overwhelmingly blessed, I just could never be thankful enough. My prayer is that I can pay it forward like that to others in the near future. They got things they really wanted and totally loved. The things from work, as well as the things my Punkin brought were just absolutely a godsend. I even felt froggy enough to put up my little tree overnight, to make it even more special for them in the morning.
So that I wouldn't hear anything from anyone, I made sure my kids were dressed and well. I combed the girls' hair, and I cut Bruzer's hair. DJ is gone with his dad for a couple of weeks during school break. They looked ever so cute in the clothes they wore as well. Especially Starr, in her black turleneck, black leather (yes, leather) skirt, and long denim duster. She was too cute, and yes of course I am biased.
My sweetie came up there to my job on Christmas and brought his cute little shadow with him, his neice. I bought him a digital camera, and he was very pleased about that. He thanked me again the next day for it. She is a little doll too, the spitting image of her mother and her grandmother. I was glad I got to see him before he headed back to Memphis. We are already looking forward to my next trip down there.
So this also begins a time to reflect back on the past year and make plans for the fuure. We'll discuss that in another post...it's close to bedtime!
Last night at about 9p when anything I had left in my stomach decided it wanted out...and fast! I slept on the couch and at 330a and 5a, I was up over the porcelain bowl dry heaving since there was nothing left in there to throw up. I debated going to work today. But since I am trying to keep my occurrences down to a minimum, I went ahead and got up. I got there about 15 minutes late and pretty much slept all day. I drank water this morning, and within an hour that was coming back up. I ate some mandarin oranges about 1p.
I was able to keep them down!! WooHoo!!
When I got home, I was actually starting to feel hungry, so I crunched on some dry cereal.
Still doing good.
Time to move up to chicken broth. I have finished a half teacup at the time of this writing, and all is still well!
At this rate, I may actually want to eat real food by tomorrow!!
So, backtrack to Christmas. It was a splendid day. I was so overwhelmingly blessed, I just could never be thankful enough. My prayer is that I can pay it forward like that to others in the near future. They got things they really wanted and totally loved. The things from work, as well as the things my Punkin brought were just absolutely a godsend. I even felt froggy enough to put up my little tree overnight, to make it even more special for them in the morning.
So that I wouldn't hear anything from anyone, I made sure my kids were dressed and well. I combed the girls' hair, and I cut Bruzer's hair. DJ is gone with his dad for a couple of weeks during school break. They looked ever so cute in the clothes they wore as well. Especially Starr, in her black turleneck, black leather (yes, leather) skirt, and long denim duster. She was too cute, and yes of course I am biased.
My sweetie came up there to my job on Christmas and brought his cute little shadow with him, his neice. I bought him a digital camera, and he was very pleased about that. He thanked me again the next day for it. She is a little doll too, the spitting image of her mother and her grandmother. I was glad I got to see him before he headed back to Memphis. We are already looking forward to my next trip down there.
So this also begins a time to reflect back on the past year and make plans for the fuure. We'll discuss that in another post...it's close to bedtime!
December 25, 2007
It's Christmas
Merry Christmas to all. Please remember in all the hustle and bustle that is the holiday season, trying to find to perfect present for everyone on your list, that Jesus is the reason for the season. What more perfect gift were we given than that?
December 18, 2007
It Could Have Been Me...
I saw a very sad article in the paper today about an 8 year old girl dying yesterday morning, after being rolled over with her mother's car. They were headed out to school, and she thought the car stopped so she got out because she left her hat in the house. The door apparently knocked her under the car, and she died.
Lord, I pray NEVER to know what that loss feels like...in Jesus' Name...Amen!
What it reminded me of was the fact that I was luckier than little Ashlynn was. You see, when I was about 9 or 10, I was also rolled over by my mother's car. The difference was that in my case, noone was driving and the car wasn't even running.
You're wondering how then, right? Let me explain...
It was a nice late spring day, school was still in. All I wanted to do was get home and get outside to play, but my mother had a few stops to make. First we stopped at the store and bought a couple of six-packs of Dr. Pepper. Do you remember the real glass, tall, slender bottles? Yep...those! After that, she had to stop at her friend Maggie's house. I stayed in the car and she went in to talk to Maggie. This visit was seemingly taking forever, especially since I just wanted to go home and play outside.
So, what did my incredibly brilliant and idle mind do? I began to meddle with stuff in the car. Wipers, blinkers, radio station and volume controls. Then, looking at gear selector (it was on the floor instead of the steering column), I came up with a great idea! I was gonna move it, but straight to the 'D' position, that way it won't go backwards!!!
Smart huh? I was in fourth grade, give me a break!
Well, surprise, surprise! The car started rolling backwards!
So, I get out and my first instinct is that my mom is going to be pissed, and I try to push the car! Needlesstosay, that didn't work and the door knocked me down. The car was an orange Chevy Vega with the black racing stripe down the middle. It rolled over my legs, and was stopped across the street by a bush in front of a field. All I rememeber was my legs were aching when I stood up and started walking toward Maggie's front door. Now, looking back as a parent, I can't imagine the sheer horror my mother must've experienced in that moment!
My knees were bleeding pretty badly, they were split open to the kneecaps. My mom drove me to the hospital emergency room to assess the damage. Yet again now -as a parent- probably one the longest car rides of her life. I don't rememeber waiting or being rushed back or anything like that, I think I was just too young and it was about 25 years ago, too. What I do remember however, is the nurses cutting my favorite pair of Sassoon pants off of me!!! Okay, not all the way off, but it was up to mid-thigh!
Yes, I know it was an emergency. Yes, I am aware my legs could have been broken. But, they could have just asked me to take them off! Yes, I know they were ruined anyway because the knees were torn open and saturated with blood...minor details really. I was 10, give me a break for pete's sake!
There was one other thing I remember about that ER visit. The doctor standing there talking to my mother telling her how lucky (read:blessed) I was that I wasn't knocked a little further under the vehicle, where it would have surely crushed my chest. Thank You God, for all the times you saved me in my childhood. From the mishap in the dentist's office when they lost me for a couple of minutes. By lost me, I mean my heart stopped. To the time on the Illinois side of the riverfront where I stepped in what could only be described as quicksand, and was almost waist deep (and sinking fast) before my mother spotted me and was able to pull me out. To the time mentioned above, where my bored meddling could have cost me my life. Yet my most notable "inconvenience" is that I had to lay up for at least 2 weeks . I mean, couldn't even really bend my legs kind of laying up. I mean I woke up and went to the couch, I got to go to the bathroom, and then at the end of the day I got back in the bed. Children, we know not what we do...
Heavenly Father, please comfort the family of the little girl that has now returned to Your kingdom. Please especially be a comforter for the mother, whose pain, anguish, and guilt could threaten her very life. Guide her, Father, so she knows that no matter what life brings, You are always there and will never leave her. Give her Your wisdom Lord, so she may try to understand the whys of this most horrible tragedy any mother could experience. And Father, give her Your strength so that she may go on and continue being the best mother she can to her other 3 children. In Jesus' name....AMEN.
Lord, I pray NEVER to know what that loss feels like...in Jesus' Name...Amen!
What it reminded me of was the fact that I was luckier than little Ashlynn was. You see, when I was about 9 or 10, I was also rolled over by my mother's car. The difference was that in my case, noone was driving and the car wasn't even running.
You're wondering how then, right? Let me explain...
It was a nice late spring day, school was still in. All I wanted to do was get home and get outside to play, but my mother had a few stops to make. First we stopped at the store and bought a couple of six-packs of Dr. Pepper. Do you remember the real glass, tall, slender bottles? Yep...those! After that, she had to stop at her friend Maggie's house. I stayed in the car and she went in to talk to Maggie. This visit was seemingly taking forever, especially since I just wanted to go home and play outside.
So, what did my incredibly brilliant and idle mind do? I began to meddle with stuff in the car. Wipers, blinkers, radio station and volume controls. Then, looking at gear selector (it was on the floor instead of the steering column), I came up with a great idea! I was gonna move it, but straight to the 'D' position, that way it won't go backwards!!!
Smart huh? I was in fourth grade, give me a break!
Well, surprise, surprise! The car started rolling backwards!
So, I get out and my first instinct is that my mom is going to be pissed, and I try to push the car! Needlesstosay, that didn't work and the door knocked me down. The car was an orange Chevy Vega with the black racing stripe down the middle. It rolled over my legs, and was stopped across the street by a bush in front of a field. All I rememeber was my legs were aching when I stood up and started walking toward Maggie's front door. Now, looking back as a parent, I can't imagine the sheer horror my mother must've experienced in that moment!
My knees were bleeding pretty badly, they were split open to the kneecaps. My mom drove me to the hospital emergency room to assess the damage. Yet again now -as a parent- probably one the longest car rides of her life. I don't rememeber waiting or being rushed back or anything like that, I think I was just too young and it was about 25 years ago, too. What I do remember however, is the nurses cutting my favorite pair of Sassoon pants off of me!!! Okay, not all the way off, but it was up to mid-thigh!
Yes, I know it was an emergency. Yes, I am aware my legs could have been broken. But, they could have just asked me to take them off! Yes, I know they were ruined anyway because the knees were torn open and saturated with blood...minor details really. I was 10, give me a break for pete's sake!
There was one other thing I remember about that ER visit. The doctor standing there talking to my mother telling her how lucky (read:blessed) I was that I wasn't knocked a little further under the vehicle, where it would have surely crushed my chest. Thank You God, for all the times you saved me in my childhood. From the mishap in the dentist's office when they lost me for a couple of minutes. By lost me, I mean my heart stopped. To the time on the Illinois side of the riverfront where I stepped in what could only be described as quicksand, and was almost waist deep (and sinking fast) before my mother spotted me and was able to pull me out. To the time mentioned above, where my bored meddling could have cost me my life. Yet my most notable "inconvenience" is that I had to lay up for at least 2 weeks . I mean, couldn't even really bend my legs kind of laying up. I mean I woke up and went to the couch, I got to go to the bathroom, and then at the end of the day I got back in the bed. Children, we know not what we do...
Heavenly Father, please comfort the family of the little girl that has now returned to Your kingdom. Please especially be a comforter for the mother, whose pain, anguish, and guilt could threaten her very life. Guide her, Father, so she knows that no matter what life brings, You are always there and will never leave her. Give her Your wisdom Lord, so she may try to understand the whys of this most horrible tragedy any mother could experience. And Father, give her Your strength so that she may go on and continue being the best mother she can to her other 3 children. In Jesus' name....AMEN.
December 17, 2007
The Weekend in Review
Large, dreamy sigh!
Okay, here we go. After all the running and things on Friday, we still didn't hit the highway til about 7p. Got right outside of Arnold - on 55South - and ran into a 4-lane clogging accident! We moved about 2 miles in about an hour! From the vehicles we saw (fire trucks, state police cars, and a few ambulances) we guessed it must have been pretty serious. However, when the traffic finally opened up, we saw absolutely nothing to make us even think there had been an accident!
We got to Kween's father's house at about 1230a. Their phone was not working properly and she didn't have the cell phone number, so we - correction I - just had to knock until someone answered. Thank goodness they answered, cause Dante didn't! He obviously fell asleep, cause I called a gajillion times to no avail. It was almost becoming comical, except for the fact that it was going on 130a...and these people needed to get back to bed! So I looked on Kween's phone internet and got directions from one house to the the next. But, OMG, her stepmother Jackie got in her car and drove me all the way to the apartment complex! Just in time for Dante to call, of course! He is so sweet! Just twenty million apologies, but I knew what happened to him. It was late after all. We were the only idots driving around at that time of night! Normal people were home in bed!
So both his plan and my plan for Friday night was scratched. He wanted to take me to some club and get some drinks and dance a bit. Well, after a certain hour I knew that wasn't gonna happen, so I went back to my original idea. I brought my silver trenchcoat and a pair of black boots.
You are correct. That was ALL I was gonna wear as I greeted him at his door! Another time perhaps...
Anyway, after a good long hug and kiss (okay, several kisses), he ran me a bath and told me to go relax. It was so hot, I sweated my hair out! But it felt so good! I don't take baths at home you see. I don't really have the time. By the time I do have the time, I would never get clean, cause I would fall asleep in the tub!! So, I am basically a shower girl. Single mom, 4 kids. Seriously, what did you expect?
Back to the topic. I got out of the tub, dried off, then was instructed to lay on the bed. I got a complete rubdown with lavender baby oil gel, then a mini-massage with this three-pronged handheld thingy that came in really handy a day later! And then....
Puh-leeze, you know what happened next! You know what happened several more times that weekend! So, fast forward to the morning. Okay, fast forward a little more to when we actually got out of the bed! We got up and threw on some clothes then headed to the grocery store so I could shop for breakfast. I made some oven-baked french toast with a brown sugar glaze. I garnished with toasted slivered almonds and bananas cut on the bias, then served with some turkey bacon I pan-fried (til crisp of course, that's the secret). He absolutely loved it! Dante's not really big on fried eggs. That's something he and Starr have in common actually, she doesn't even like them with cheese anymore. But both of them can eat them boiled, just not scrambled and fried. He made tequila sunrise drinks to go with breakfast, and the spoiling began!
One thing to know about me is I find joy in serving. My children and my man, that is...not just anybody! He finished his food before me, and I asked if he wanted seconds. So, I sat my unfinished plate down and went to make him another plate. He tried to protest, but I shut him down. So from that point on, I took care of everything I could. I washed the dishes, did any cooking or serving of foods, and kept the tequila sunrises flowing until I left! He loved it, which I am glad. It would suck to live totally by myself. So I really think he enjoyed me being there to do that for him.
We went to see I Am Legend on Saturday, and went to an Italian restaurant to eat afterwards. I told him to pick someplace he has wanted to go, and so he did. I found out he is weak over lasagna. And that Talayna's in St. Louis has the best lasagna to him. The movie, by the way, was very awesome...one of Will Smith's top performances.
The rest of the weekend was spent lounging around the apartment, just watching movies and being in each other's presence. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I fell asleep several times on the couch, which pleased him. He said it was nice to see me so relaxed, which I truly was. Me? Take a nap at home? With the kids here? You wanna talk about hypertension, let me try to take a nap during the day, and my blood pressure is going up!
Oh, and lest I forget Saturday night. Got reacquainted with my friend, Tequila Blanco! Our love-hate relationship is still intact after all these years. I drank about 5 shots in a row, not to forget I had a cocktail at dinner, and had been sipping on tequila sunrises all day. Let me be frank with you on my condition: I got drunk off my ass! Do you hear me? Completely F-cked Up! And you know what? It felt goooooood! Yep, I said it! It's not like it's anything that will be happening again in the remotely near future, but dammit I had fun! Even when the barf-fest began and I had to clean up the wall in the bathroom, and wash the rugs that were on the floor. I had fun! I passed out on the bed, and the next thing I know it was 4am...and someone was "rolling me over"!
Remember that slow leak I told you about? Yeah well, by Sunday, it was flat. Of course this was the exact moment I was ready to leave that I noticed this. We went up to Auto Zone and got Fix-A-Flat, which has NEVER worked for me by the way. Okay, now we've got to change to the spare, which I was really trying to avoid. (Note to self: find your damn hydraulic jack! What use is it if it's not in the van when you need it?) Well, by we, I mean he did most of the work! But, it was a team effort! You know I can't do the damsel-in-distress thing that well! So Kween and I made it home on cruise control at 70mph. There were a lot of other vehicles passing me, including the big rigs! That burns me up, but we made it home safely...and that's what matters. She was off today, so I was at work worn out! But I made it!
So, am I on cloud nine after this weekend? Emphatically yes!
Have I fallen head over heels in love with him, and have visions of us living happily ever after? Have you even been paying attention to my blog...or is this your first post? Okay fine, well if it is then let me break it down for you. I am nuts about this man, absolutely bonkers. He is me...so how could I not absolutely adore him? We are so much alike in so many of the same ways, and we know each other's personality types, which is a good thing.
BUT!!
See the dramatics there? I couldn't help it! We are what we are, and I refuse to let my emotions get in the midst of anything and ruin it. What are we? I don't know actually. I don't think we expected to dig each other like this upon our first meeting, so we are both just trying to enjoy it. Yet, we are both aware that this is likely not a relationship that could last in the long run. Why? He just got out of a long marriage, he needs to come into his own right now and enjoy his "singleness". He keeps telling me about wanting to finish school before he retires, and that it will take up a lot of his time. He still wants to have children and experience the whole process of diapers and all the good stuff that goes along with child-rearing from day one! Medically, I am done with that. Though that is not to say I wouldn't do it again for the right reason. (Did I tell you how AWESOME pregnancy was for me?) I still got the tools, they just need to be repaired. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have made that decision so hastily but, such as life, I did what I thought was best at the time. Plus, it would have been nice to have the anxious and excited dad-to-be rubbing my belly at night and talking to the baby throughout the day. With four pregnancies, nope, never got that. Yeah, I know...sucks to be me.
And let's not forget my condition. I think he would be like New Guy, just not able to be completely comfortable with it for the long term. I just hate that society has put such a horrible stigma on this thing, that people fear it like it's a death sentence! It is what it is, that's all I can say. Okay, also I can say this: If you're reading this and you have ever had a cold sore, you have what I have just in a different part of your body. But essentially the same virus. Now what makes yours less worse than mine? Socially accepted thought patterns, that's what.
All that to say, as far as our relationship, I am doing everything in my mortal power to avoid the L-word like the plague. You know how quick I am to fall, and I don't wanna freak him out or anything, so I keep it under control. Honestly, I am pretty proud of me...I really am changing!
But, for the record...casual dating sucks!
Okay, here we go. After all the running and things on Friday, we still didn't hit the highway til about 7p. Got right outside of Arnold - on 55South - and ran into a 4-lane clogging accident! We moved about 2 miles in about an hour! From the vehicles we saw (fire trucks, state police cars, and a few ambulances) we guessed it must have been pretty serious. However, when the traffic finally opened up, we saw absolutely nothing to make us even think there had been an accident!
We got to Kween's father's house at about 1230a. Their phone was not working properly and she didn't have the cell phone number, so we - correction I - just had to knock until someone answered. Thank goodness they answered, cause Dante didn't! He obviously fell asleep, cause I called a gajillion times to no avail. It was almost becoming comical, except for the fact that it was going on 130a...and these people needed to get back to bed! So I looked on Kween's phone internet and got directions from one house to the the next. But, OMG, her stepmother Jackie got in her car and drove me all the way to the apartment complex! Just in time for Dante to call, of course! He is so sweet! Just twenty million apologies, but I knew what happened to him. It was late after all. We were the only idots driving around at that time of night! Normal people were home in bed!
So both his plan and my plan for Friday night was scratched. He wanted to take me to some club and get some drinks and dance a bit. Well, after a certain hour I knew that wasn't gonna happen, so I went back to my original idea. I brought my silver trenchcoat and a pair of black boots.
You are correct. That was ALL I was gonna wear as I greeted him at his door! Another time perhaps...
Anyway, after a good long hug and kiss (okay, several kisses), he ran me a bath and told me to go relax. It was so hot, I sweated my hair out! But it felt so good! I don't take baths at home you see. I don't really have the time. By the time I do have the time, I would never get clean, cause I would fall asleep in the tub!! So, I am basically a shower girl. Single mom, 4 kids. Seriously, what did you expect?
Back to the topic. I got out of the tub, dried off, then was instructed to lay on the bed. I got a complete rubdown with lavender baby oil gel, then a mini-massage with this three-pronged handheld thingy that came in really handy a day later! And then....
Puh-leeze, you know what happened next! You know what happened several more times that weekend! So, fast forward to the morning. Okay, fast forward a little more to when we actually got out of the bed! We got up and threw on some clothes then headed to the grocery store so I could shop for breakfast. I made some oven-baked french toast with a brown sugar glaze. I garnished with toasted slivered almonds and bananas cut on the bias, then served with some turkey bacon I pan-fried (til crisp of course, that's the secret). He absolutely loved it! Dante's not really big on fried eggs. That's something he and Starr have in common actually, she doesn't even like them with cheese anymore. But both of them can eat them boiled, just not scrambled and fried. He made tequila sunrise drinks to go with breakfast, and the spoiling began!
One thing to know about me is I find joy in serving. My children and my man, that is...not just anybody! He finished his food before me, and I asked if he wanted seconds. So, I sat my unfinished plate down and went to make him another plate. He tried to protest, but I shut him down. So from that point on, I took care of everything I could. I washed the dishes, did any cooking or serving of foods, and kept the tequila sunrises flowing until I left! He loved it, which I am glad. It would suck to live totally by myself. So I really think he enjoyed me being there to do that for him.
We went to see I Am Legend on Saturday, and went to an Italian restaurant to eat afterwards. I told him to pick someplace he has wanted to go, and so he did. I found out he is weak over lasagna. And that Talayna's in St. Louis has the best lasagna to him. The movie, by the way, was very awesome...one of Will Smith's top performances.
The rest of the weekend was spent lounging around the apartment, just watching movies and being in each other's presence. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I fell asleep several times on the couch, which pleased him. He said it was nice to see me so relaxed, which I truly was. Me? Take a nap at home? With the kids here? You wanna talk about hypertension, let me try to take a nap during the day, and my blood pressure is going up!
Oh, and lest I forget Saturday night. Got reacquainted with my friend, Tequila Blanco! Our love-hate relationship is still intact after all these years. I drank about 5 shots in a row, not to forget I had a cocktail at dinner, and had been sipping on tequila sunrises all day. Let me be frank with you on my condition: I got drunk off my ass! Do you hear me? Completely F-cked Up! And you know what? It felt goooooood! Yep, I said it! It's not like it's anything that will be happening again in the remotely near future, but dammit I had fun! Even when the barf-fest began and I had to clean up the wall in the bathroom, and wash the rugs that were on the floor. I had fun! I passed out on the bed, and the next thing I know it was 4am...and someone was "rolling me over"!
Remember that slow leak I told you about? Yeah well, by Sunday, it was flat. Of course this was the exact moment I was ready to leave that I noticed this. We went up to Auto Zone and got Fix-A-Flat, which has NEVER worked for me by the way. Okay, now we've got to change to the spare, which I was really trying to avoid. (Note to self: find your damn hydraulic jack! What use is it if it's not in the van when you need it?) Well, by we, I mean he did most of the work! But, it was a team effort! You know I can't do the damsel-in-distress thing that well! So Kween and I made it home on cruise control at 70mph. There were a lot of other vehicles passing me, including the big rigs! That burns me up, but we made it home safely...and that's what matters. She was off today, so I was at work worn out! But I made it!
So, am I on cloud nine after this weekend? Emphatically yes!
Have I fallen head over heels in love with him, and have visions of us living happily ever after? Have you even been paying attention to my blog...or is this your first post? Okay fine, well if it is then let me break it down for you. I am nuts about this man, absolutely bonkers. He is me...so how could I not absolutely adore him? We are so much alike in so many of the same ways, and we know each other's personality types, which is a good thing.
BUT!!
See the dramatics there? I couldn't help it! We are what we are, and I refuse to let my emotions get in the midst of anything and ruin it. What are we? I don't know actually. I don't think we expected to dig each other like this upon our first meeting, so we are both just trying to enjoy it. Yet, we are both aware that this is likely not a relationship that could last in the long run. Why? He just got out of a long marriage, he needs to come into his own right now and enjoy his "singleness". He keeps telling me about wanting to finish school before he retires, and that it will take up a lot of his time. He still wants to have children and experience the whole process of diapers and all the good stuff that goes along with child-rearing from day one! Medically, I am done with that. Though that is not to say I wouldn't do it again for the right reason. (Did I tell you how AWESOME pregnancy was for me?) I still got the tools, they just need to be repaired. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have made that decision so hastily but, such as life, I did what I thought was best at the time. Plus, it would have been nice to have the anxious and excited dad-to-be rubbing my belly at night and talking to the baby throughout the day. With four pregnancies, nope, never got that. Yeah, I know...sucks to be me.
And let's not forget my condition. I think he would be like New Guy, just not able to be completely comfortable with it for the long term. I just hate that society has put such a horrible stigma on this thing, that people fear it like it's a death sentence! It is what it is, that's all I can say. Okay, also I can say this: If you're reading this and you have ever had a cold sore, you have what I have just in a different part of your body. But essentially the same virus. Now what makes yours less worse than mine? Socially accepted thought patterns, that's what.
All that to say, as far as our relationship, I am doing everything in my mortal power to avoid the L-word like the plague. You know how quick I am to fall, and I don't wanna freak him out or anything, so I keep it under control. Honestly, I am pretty proud of me...I really am changing!
But, for the record...casual dating sucks!
December 14, 2007
ON OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME
Okay, so I was able to get off work at 1p today, with the sole intent of hitting the road at about 4p at the latest. Um....NOT!! My mother's outpatient procedure was scheduled for 12noon. They are currently running about 2 hours behind! Mind you, for this procedure, you can't have eaten solid foods the day before. Not 12 hours...THE. WHOLE. DAY. My poor mom! On top of the fact that she has to be put out for this, and her and anesthia are not really the best of buds.
But, as long as her outcome is positive and clean...I am good with that!
So, of course that spirals down to my expected departure time. I am now hoping for 6pm.
I have some running to do, so I will let you know how my weekend went when I get back!
But, as long as her outcome is positive and clean...I am good with that!
So, of course that spirals down to my expected departure time. I am now hoping for 6pm.
I have some running to do, so I will let you know how my weekend went when I get back!
December 13, 2007
Countdown!!
Man, you have NO IDEA how excited I am for this trip! You'd think it was a dream vacation to Hawaii or something wouldn't you? That's kind of how it feels, considering my life!
Today, I discovered a slow leak, but I have no time to get it fixed, so I am just gonna have to nurse it. Nothing is keeping me from going down there! To add insult to injury, payday is next week, so you know finances are not that pretty. I have a plan though, never fear!!
Since Kween is getting a ride down there courtesy of moi, that should cover some of the gas money getting there. Once I am there, I know my car won't move, whenever we do go out. Then come Sunday, when it's time to go, all I have to do is gas up using my debit card. Here is a little trick I found out a few years back: As long as you have a positive balance on your debit card, you can get get gas at the pump!!! Cool, huh?
Oh, don't panic! I am not purposely trying to bounce my account! I just know I have money being deposited on Monday, so that will take care of that. Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do!
The plan is to get off work early tomorrow so I can have everything taken care of and just be redy to drop the kids off and rollout about 5p at the latest. I would have loved to leave earlier, but my mom is having a procedure done at noon, and Leigh will be going with her. Just found this out tonight as a matter of fact. I'm trying to roll with it though!
Come hell or high water....I am going to Memphis this weekend!
Today, I discovered a slow leak, but I have no time to get it fixed, so I am just gonna have to nurse it. Nothing is keeping me from going down there! To add insult to injury, payday is next week, so you know finances are not that pretty. I have a plan though, never fear!!
Since Kween is getting a ride down there courtesy of moi, that should cover some of the gas money getting there. Once I am there, I know my car won't move, whenever we do go out. Then come Sunday, when it's time to go, all I have to do is gas up using my debit card. Here is a little trick I found out a few years back: As long as you have a positive balance on your debit card, you can get get gas at the pump!!! Cool, huh?
Oh, don't panic! I am not purposely trying to bounce my account! I just know I have money being deposited on Monday, so that will take care of that. Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do!
The plan is to get off work early tomorrow so I can have everything taken care of and just be redy to drop the kids off and rollout about 5p at the latest. I would have loved to leave earlier, but my mom is having a procedure done at noon, and Leigh will be going with her. Just found this out tonight as a matter of fact. I'm trying to roll with it though!
Come hell or high water....I am going to Memphis this weekend!
December 12, 2007
Close Call!
So, THE WEEKEND is coming up in a couple of days!! I am so excited, but at the same time have been apprehensive...waiting for the hammer to fall. Everytime I really plan something for me, something happens and the plans get ruined. Take my birthday weekend for instance! Need a reminder? Find it here.
Well, something almost happened. Almost. I was talking to my sister Leigh and asking her what kind of ingredients she wanted me to buy for the kids (they'll be making cookies at her house). She told me she would get it to me next week. That's when I reminded her it was this weekend. The look of confusion on her face was only trumped by the look of cool panic on mine. She was under the impression it was next weekend, not in 2 days! She says I told her the 21st, not the 14th. But I don't remember giving her a date. I remembered saying 2 weeks before Christmas. Then she proceeds to tell me that she will have our other sisters' children on Saturday. So, after a few moments of tension, she states that she will still do it.
WHEW!!!!!!
But, what that has made me think is that -as much as I want to see him as much as possible - I don't want to have to ask my sisters to watch my kids for a weekend again. I have that Delta ticket that expires at the end of March, and we were planning a trip in March. But unless my mom is willing to come up here and watch the kids...I just can't see it happening!
Yes, it does suck. Honestly, since I have had 4 children, I have NEVER gone on an overnight trip or a weekened getaway with anyone. Wasn't even a consideration, cause I already knew the outcome. But, for him, I decided to try. It's just too much mental stress on me. Now I am feeling guilty, knowing that my children will indeed be an inconvenience to someone else - that thing I loathe the most. Nevertheless, the plan is to go all out and completely enjoy myself, knowing the likelihood of a repeat anytime soon ain't lookin' so hot!
We are such homebodies, it really sucks at times like these. My middle sister? I would the thought would NEVER cross her mind to go anywhere without her kids. If she won an all-expence paid trip to Hawaii for two, she surely couldn't go. How could she not go without her girls??? I feel so bad for her sometimes. I told Kween the other day, I could see Anne dating again before I could see my sister! That's not a news flash, unless you recall that Ann's husband lost his battle with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, that about sums it up huh?
And, happily or not so happily, Leigh has been married since 1995, so she doesn't have to date...she's already there! She can't necessarily understand my position either. I couldn't even see her and her husband taking a much needed getaway, becuase they wouldn't be able to take the girls! Does that make me a bad mommy, cause I want some experiences for myself!?
Fine then, if it does...cause I still do!!
Well, something almost happened. Almost. I was talking to my sister Leigh and asking her what kind of ingredients she wanted me to buy for the kids (they'll be making cookies at her house). She told me she would get it to me next week. That's when I reminded her it was this weekend. The look of confusion on her face was only trumped by the look of cool panic on mine. She was under the impression it was next weekend, not in 2 days! She says I told her the 21st, not the 14th. But I don't remember giving her a date. I remembered saying 2 weeks before Christmas. Then she proceeds to tell me that she will have our other sisters' children on Saturday. So, after a few moments of tension, she states that she will still do it.
WHEW!!!!!!
But, what that has made me think is that -as much as I want to see him as much as possible - I don't want to have to ask my sisters to watch my kids for a weekend again. I have that Delta ticket that expires at the end of March, and we were planning a trip in March. But unless my mom is willing to come up here and watch the kids...I just can't see it happening!
Yes, it does suck. Honestly, since I have had 4 children, I have NEVER gone on an overnight trip or a weekened getaway with anyone. Wasn't even a consideration, cause I already knew the outcome. But, for him, I decided to try. It's just too much mental stress on me. Now I am feeling guilty, knowing that my children will indeed be an inconvenience to someone else - that thing I loathe the most. Nevertheless, the plan is to go all out and completely enjoy myself, knowing the likelihood of a repeat anytime soon ain't lookin' so hot!
We are such homebodies, it really sucks at times like these. My middle sister? I would the thought would NEVER cross her mind to go anywhere without her kids. If she won an all-expence paid trip to Hawaii for two, she surely couldn't go. How could she not go without her girls??? I feel so bad for her sometimes. I told Kween the other day, I could see Anne dating again before I could see my sister! That's not a news flash, unless you recall that Ann's husband lost his battle with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, that about sums it up huh?
And, happily or not so happily, Leigh has been married since 1995, so she doesn't have to date...she's already there! She can't necessarily understand my position either. I couldn't even see her and her husband taking a much needed getaway, becuase they wouldn't be able to take the girls! Does that make me a bad mommy, cause I want some experiences for myself!?
Fine then, if it does...cause I still do!!
December 9, 2007
Why am I so hard to please?
So, if you haven't noticed, I have been a bit unsettled lately.
We'll blame it on hormones.
Why am I the way I am?? I mean here's a great guy that's totally into me, true to his word, and has proven he cares about me and that he is a friend. But, there is a problem with that for me. He's not "The One", he's not even a contender in the title fight for my heart.
This is such unfamiliar territory for me, I am starting to melt down I fear. I have always looked at guys as potential life partner and, if you didn't fit that bill we didn't even date. Why waste money paying a babysitter or time away from home on something that wasn't going anywhere? The Major was "safe" because he was so far away, there was no danger of that ever becoming a relationship. But meanwhile, I was still looking for Mr. Right-For-Me.
Another thing is I've always had it in the back of my mind that Can't Get Right and I would eventually get it together and get married (and show everyone!). But, lately I have come to the realization that that is not going to happen, so that "always in love" feeling is gone. I don't like it! I like being in love! I want to be in love! I want to stay in love!
Right now, I am in no position to fall in love, be in love, or stay in love with Dante. I just can't allow it to happen. I would most assuredly be setting myself up for heartbreak. And who really does that on purpose, right? But then, if I even go looking for something else (yeah, I was yahoo personals browsing last night), then I feel guilty like I am cheating. The thought of him with someone else drives me nuts (I am a bit possessive...but not in jealous way). That's why I wouldn't initiate a conversation with anyone. I just don't really want to meet anyone new right now! I got too much other stuff to deal with.
Okay, okay. I need to get my head back in the game don't I? Enjoy this for what it is, which is awesome. I LOVE it when we're together and I hate-it-but-handle-it when we're apart. I look forward to my visit next weekend, and to him coming home the week afterwards. Since I am working part of Christmas Day, I have already invited him over to my house for a full course dinner on that Sunday before. I am really trying to plan our getaway trip too, even if it's only a weekend away. I want to go away with him, we have so much fun together. Plus the thought of being in a hotel room alone with him, not worrying about any hearing....WHEW!!! Truly, he does things to me that have never been done before (which was nearly impossible)...and we are still exploring each other! There is more to come on both sides!
So can I just let it be fun and a great time and rest in the fact that - while I'm busy getting my act together otherwise (home, business, finances, etc) - one day the lasting relationship that I still so desperately seek will come my way. Only next time it does, I'll be ready for it!
We'll blame it on hormones.
Why am I the way I am?? I mean here's a great guy that's totally into me, true to his word, and has proven he cares about me and that he is a friend. But, there is a problem with that for me. He's not "The One", he's not even a contender in the title fight for my heart.
This is such unfamiliar territory for me, I am starting to melt down I fear. I have always looked at guys as potential life partner and, if you didn't fit that bill we didn't even date. Why waste money paying a babysitter or time away from home on something that wasn't going anywhere? The Major was "safe" because he was so far away, there was no danger of that ever becoming a relationship. But meanwhile, I was still looking for Mr. Right-For-Me.
Another thing is I've always had it in the back of my mind that Can't Get Right and I would eventually get it together and get married (and show everyone!). But, lately I have come to the realization that that is not going to happen, so that "always in love" feeling is gone. I don't like it! I like being in love! I want to be in love! I want to stay in love!
Right now, I am in no position to fall in love, be in love, or stay in love with Dante. I just can't allow it to happen. I would most assuredly be setting myself up for heartbreak. And who really does that on purpose, right? But then, if I even go looking for something else (yeah, I was yahoo personals browsing last night), then I feel guilty like I am cheating. The thought of him with someone else drives me nuts (I am a bit possessive...but not in jealous way). That's why I wouldn't initiate a conversation with anyone. I just don't really want to meet anyone new right now! I got too much other stuff to deal with.
Okay, okay. I need to get my head back in the game don't I? Enjoy this for what it is, which is awesome. I LOVE it when we're together and I hate-it-but-handle-it when we're apart. I look forward to my visit next weekend, and to him coming home the week afterwards. Since I am working part of Christmas Day, I have already invited him over to my house for a full course dinner on that Sunday before. I am really trying to plan our getaway trip too, even if it's only a weekend away. I want to go away with him, we have so much fun together. Plus the thought of being in a hotel room alone with him, not worrying about any hearing....WHEW!!! Truly, he does things to me that have never been done before (which was nearly impossible)...and we are still exploring each other! There is more to come on both sides!
So can I just let it be fun and a great time and rest in the fact that - while I'm busy getting my act together otherwise (home, business, finances, etc) - one day the lasting relationship that I still so desperately seek will come my way. Only next time it does, I'll be ready for it!
December 8, 2007
Happy Saturday!
My punkin is out in the field again this weekend. I talked to him last night as he was getting ready to leave. I picked out the perfect card for him on Monday and mailed it, positive it would be there by his return from New Orleans on Wednesday. Well, he didn't return until Thursday...and the card didn't arrive til Friday!! What can you expect for 42 cents, right?
I put a lot of effort into getting the right card, I took a few minutes searching. I would read the outside of one and it would be perfect, exactly what I wanted to say about our relationship. Then open it up and BAM! There is the L-word! Exactly NOT what I wanted to say. So apparently third time was the charm, cause when it happened the third time, I said a little prayer then opened it up and....it was perfect!
Even better is that he really liked it and appreciated the sentiment. Yay me! I have sent him an e-card before, but I didn't want to seem like a complete cheapskate so I decided to send a real one too.
Remember those card-making kiosks?
I had a good talk with The One today. No, not about relationship stuff or anything about "us". It was more about life in general, a very positive conversation I must say. The second one in a row. But as much as my bff wants us to get together, I just don't feel it. I feel more for the New Guy still than I do for The One. I think we (me and The One) will just be good friends eternally...but I don't see us getting together or married or anything like that. I have seen what a good man and a good relationship is supposed to be and, it's just not possible to go back to what I have always known from him. When I call, he answers...or if he doesn't, he calls back within hours at the most. If he says he's coming by, he actually shows up. If we make plans to do something, I can count on him not to cancel at the last minute. He backs up his words with actions. You know, little things like that! I can truly thank the New Guy for these expectations (and Dante is reinforcing it). Unfortunately, I don't think his experience with me gained such positive reviews. Such as life, you live and you learn, and try not to repeat the same mistakes again.
I chatted with the New Guy the other day. I try to check in with him every now and then. Not for relationship purposes, but just cause he's an okay guy in my book. I guess he felt the need to confirm with me that he was seeing someone, but I already knew (I asked whether it was serious or not, and it is). He is not the type to be alone for too long, just like me. We just want to be loved, we just weren't the ones to do it for each other apparently. How mad could I be? I mean, I am seeing someone too, right? Yeah, it does bug me a bit, because hindsight is 20/20 and I see the errors of my ways. I could have been a hell of a lot more understanding of what he was going through at the time, and just backed off for a while. But noooooo, I thought I had been patient enough waiting for an answer to the "Am I still desirable to you, or am I unworthy because of my condition" question....and I wanted to know NOW!!!
There is absolutely no guarantee that had I been more considerate this would have taken a different turn, but I can always imagine. We are our own worst enemies and critics though aren't we? Part of it is my usual love-can-conquer-all self, thinking he would have chosen me over fear of this condition. But that's not very realistic now is it? I had a good run of guys not being that concerned about it and trusting me and the facts they read about it. So it was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. I mean, in reality, you can't win 'em all.
It just sucks that -out of all the others- he was the one I lost.
Life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. That's right, two-two-two cliches in one!!!
I put a lot of effort into getting the right card, I took a few minutes searching. I would read the outside of one and it would be perfect, exactly what I wanted to say about our relationship. Then open it up and BAM! There is the L-word! Exactly NOT what I wanted to say. So apparently third time was the charm, cause when it happened the third time, I said a little prayer then opened it up and....it was perfect!
Even better is that he really liked it and appreciated the sentiment. Yay me! I have sent him an e-card before, but I didn't want to seem like a complete cheapskate so I decided to send a real one too.
Remember those card-making kiosks?
I had a good talk with The One today. No, not about relationship stuff or anything about "us". It was more about life in general, a very positive conversation I must say. The second one in a row. But as much as my bff wants us to get together, I just don't feel it. I feel more for the New Guy still than I do for The One. I think we (me and The One) will just be good friends eternally...but I don't see us getting together or married or anything like that. I have seen what a good man and a good relationship is supposed to be and, it's just not possible to go back to what I have always known from him. When I call, he answers...or if he doesn't, he calls back within hours at the most. If he says he's coming by, he actually shows up. If we make plans to do something, I can count on him not to cancel at the last minute. He backs up his words with actions. You know, little things like that! I can truly thank the New Guy for these expectations (and Dante is reinforcing it). Unfortunately, I don't think his experience with me gained such positive reviews. Such as life, you live and you learn, and try not to repeat the same mistakes again.
I chatted with the New Guy the other day. I try to check in with him every now and then. Not for relationship purposes, but just cause he's an okay guy in my book. I guess he felt the need to confirm with me that he was seeing someone, but I already knew (I asked whether it was serious or not, and it is). He is not the type to be alone for too long, just like me. We just want to be loved, we just weren't the ones to do it for each other apparently. How mad could I be? I mean, I am seeing someone too, right? Yeah, it does bug me a bit, because hindsight is 20/20 and I see the errors of my ways. I could have been a hell of a lot more understanding of what he was going through at the time, and just backed off for a while. But noooooo, I thought I had been patient enough waiting for an answer to the "Am I still desirable to you, or am I unworthy because of my condition" question....and I wanted to know NOW!!!
There is absolutely no guarantee that had I been more considerate this would have taken a different turn, but I can always imagine. We are our own worst enemies and critics though aren't we? Part of it is my usual love-can-conquer-all self, thinking he would have chosen me over fear of this condition. But that's not very realistic now is it? I had a good run of guys not being that concerned about it and trusting me and the facts they read about it. So it was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. I mean, in reality, you can't win 'em all.
It just sucks that -out of all the others- he was the one I lost.
Life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. That's right, two-two-two cliches in one!!!
December 7, 2007
Life Goes On
Wow, am I having a bad day today!
I am so tired of being depressed and broke on payday!
As my mother used to say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!"
Finances are shot to hell. I am all borrowed out, and guess what? The bills keep coming! So, I just downloaded the software I need to my laptop so I can sit up and take calls that way. I died to get this work-at-home job...and I have done crap with it!!
This is my "little" so that God will see I am capable of handling "much" next year. So, I will designate a day off every week, but otherwise I plan to work everyday...as much as I can until the bills are not only caught up, but AHEAD!!!!
Can you imagine? It doesn't even seem realistic! But it is possible!!!
I just have to put my mind to doing it. To not let "I'm tired" be my excuse to keep living like this. Hell, most nights I go to bed at 1am anyway, why not get paid for it?!
Been chatting with the Commander lately. He will be most happy if he could get into my pants again - or get me out of them, whichever way you look at it. Ah well....life goes on.
Still wonder what's in the future for me romantically. I know, I know....I'm being ridiculous. But you've got to know this casual dating is only gonna work with me for so long, right? I mean, Dante and I even talked about it. This is great for now, but eventually we're both gonna want more than the other person can give. That's where we'll go our separate romantic ways, with good memories but left to start over again.
Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe starting over?? I just want to be settled and happily married for the rest of my life, why is that so much to ask?????
I know. You don't have to say it. I have to be patient. It will happen in time. When the time is right, the right person will come along.
Blah, blah, blah is all I am hearing right now.
I am so tired of being depressed and broke on payday!
As my mother used to say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!"
Finances are shot to hell. I am all borrowed out, and guess what? The bills keep coming! So, I just downloaded the software I need to my laptop so I can sit up and take calls that way. I died to get this work-at-home job...and I have done crap with it!!
This is my "little" so that God will see I am capable of handling "much" next year. So, I will designate a day off every week, but otherwise I plan to work everyday...as much as I can until the bills are not only caught up, but AHEAD!!!!
Can you imagine? It doesn't even seem realistic! But it is possible!!!
I just have to put my mind to doing it. To not let "I'm tired" be my excuse to keep living like this. Hell, most nights I go to bed at 1am anyway, why not get paid for it?!
Been chatting with the Commander lately. He will be most happy if he could get into my pants again - or get me out of them, whichever way you look at it. Ah well....life goes on.
Still wonder what's in the future for me romantically. I know, I know....I'm being ridiculous. But you've got to know this casual dating is only gonna work with me for so long, right? I mean, Dante and I even talked about it. This is great for now, but eventually we're both gonna want more than the other person can give. That's where we'll go our separate romantic ways, with good memories but left to start over again.
Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe starting over?? I just want to be settled and happily married for the rest of my life, why is that so much to ask?????
I know. You don't have to say it. I have to be patient. It will happen in time. When the time is right, the right person will come along.
Blah, blah, blah is all I am hearing right now.
December 6, 2007
Sleet
Yes, I know. Winter has officially begun. It was snowing earlier in the afternoon...then it all changed! It's been downhill from there. But, as long as we don't end up where we were last year...life is good!
Got my time bridged at work. Now that means nothing for seniority shift bids, but it does mean I will now have an extra week of vacation for 2008. WooHoo!! So I have four weeks of time to account for next year! That is grand!!! Dante and I are planning a getaway to Reno or Vegas using my Delta tickets I won last year. We are looking at probably the second or third week in March as ideal. Once again, I will have to rely on my sisters, since the kids are in school during that time. But as long as I have their clothes ironed and food for them and everything, all should be okay I am thinking.
Okay...I am really hoping!!
And praying!!
Maybe a little begging too!!
I'll keep you posted...
Got my time bridged at work. Now that means nothing for seniority shift bids, but it does mean I will now have an extra week of vacation for 2008. WooHoo!! So I have four weeks of time to account for next year! That is grand!!! Dante and I are planning a getaway to Reno or Vegas using my Delta tickets I won last year. We are looking at probably the second or third week in March as ideal. Once again, I will have to rely on my sisters, since the kids are in school during that time. But as long as I have their clothes ironed and food for them and everything, all should be okay I am thinking.
Okay...I am really hoping!!
And praying!!
Maybe a little begging too!!
I'll keep you posted...
December 5, 2007
Been Thinking
Yes, I know....scary, right? Well, I have had a LOT on my mind lately. Been all over the place as a matter of fact. But, first things first. Dante and I are still doing very well, greatly enjoying each other. We talk pretty much every day, or email, or text, or all of the above! I still don't feel like there's anyone else, and I hope I have made it clear that I want him to tell me when there is.
I really don't know what will happen at that point honestly. I am too old to be sharing, but can I really go back to just being his friend? It wouldn't be easy, that's for sure. But, it's not like we were not completely up front that that day would come eventually. However, we didn't expect to hit it off this well in person either, and have so much in common. Taste in movies, taste in music, exceptionally warped sense of humor even!! But, we are what we are...and unless he changes his mind about wanting to have kids of his own....we can be no more than we are now.
However, we are completely infatuated with each other...and it feels great!!
In other news, I have made the decision that I will work from home by end of the school year. My goals are to get my computers up to speed - laptop and desktop (which I *ahem* fried the other day). Okay I don't think it's really bad, I tried to put my memory upgrades in correctly this time, and I believe it was too much for my power supply unit. I also got advice on a tech support forum that told me that. So, I have to buy a new one first to see what happens. Hopefully my computer boots up...otherwise I may have done unseen damage to my motherboard. That would suck!
I really don't know what will happen at that point honestly. I am too old to be sharing, but can I really go back to just being his friend? It wouldn't be easy, that's for sure. But, it's not like we were not completely up front that that day would come eventually. However, we didn't expect to hit it off this well in person either, and have so much in common. Taste in movies, taste in music, exceptionally warped sense of humor even!! But, we are what we are...and unless he changes his mind about wanting to have kids of his own....we can be no more than we are now.
However, we are completely infatuated with each other...and it feels great!!
In other news, I have made the decision that I will work from home by end of the school year. My goals are to get my computers up to speed - laptop and desktop (which I *ahem* fried the other day). Okay I don't think it's really bad, I tried to put my memory upgrades in correctly this time, and I believe it was too much for my power supply unit. I also got advice on a tech support forum that told me that. So, I have to buy a new one first to see what happens. Hopefully my computer boots up...otherwise I may have done unseen damage to my motherboard. That would suck!
So, I am in the process of doing online classes through my job to brush up on my international skills. It has a dual purpose of course. If I am able to work the overnight position from home, great I will need it. Otherwise, I need to learn for myself for StarrDom Travel. It's just quick little courses, maybe an hour long or so, but packed with a lot of info! From this point on, everything I do will have some consequence to get me towards my goal professionally.
I am already thinking about what a failure this year was in that respect. One more year gone that I wasn't taking charge of my life. I was someone's charity case all damn year it seems like. Poor girl with the four kids all alone. Blah, blah, blah. I am not a victim! I will not be a victim! My kids deserve to see better from me.
And okay I will go ahead and admit this....I still miss the New Guy.
(solo-mommy exits quickly before the reactions begin.)
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