Still Going Up!

Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!

And the Roller Coaster Continues...

Things are back on the upswing right now. Shocking, I know! Not just as far as the relationship goes, but just life in general. I am going to look at a house tomorrow that I am believing for and have already thanked God that it's mine. (In the name of Jesus) It's a very cute house, single-story, maybe 5 minutes tops from here...so the kids don't have to change schools. Huge fenced yard in the back, the owner says all appliances (including dishwasher, shhh don't tell the kids) are less than 2 years old. He is very pet friendly. Yay! It's in my budget, comfortably! He may even consider selling it in the near future, since it doesn't look like he'll be stationed back here again.
I have a moving truck to pick up tomorrow morning. My goal is to get the large stuff out mainly, then I can make small trips back and forth during the week for the boxes and misc items. We'll see. Cody is coming to help, which is great.
Relationship-wise, I am re-focused on doing what I do best. You see, I haven't been practicing what I preach. Let me elaborate on that for you.
I believe strongly in taking care of my man...in every way. However, I have sank in to this "let's see what he does for me" mode, and now I'm unhappy. Is anyone else shocked?
Me neither.
Do you know I haven't been to Memphis to see him since our getaway trip in March?? And before that was January I think?? Oh yes, there could be excuses for it. Unemployed, kids, babysitting, blah, blah, blah. But frankly, excuses aren't allowed. One of the biggest things I preach is that if YOU won't do it, there is another that will. That goes for male and female, mind you.
When he comes to see me, I barely even try to look attractive for him. I can be so organic sometimes that I'm like "this is me, take me as I am". But damn woman, the man hasn't seen you in 5 or 6 weeks. If you know he's coming, be smelling good and dressed cute with your hair fixed at least!!! If he won't make it in til after midnight, I have some very nice "nightwear". Even if he won't make it in til 10p, care enough about him and yourself to stay dressed and looking nice. Because honestly it really does show that you care. It says, "Hey, I think you're special enough to really put my best foot forward for you."
Who wouldn't want that??
He's in Alabama this weekend at a black softball tournament. I've talked to him a few times today so far. To tell the honest to goodness truth, I miss him when I don't see him and I love him when he's here. No matter what I try to say, I'm still in love with him. Which does in turn cause me to put my guard in place (if not really "up"), just in case he chooses to go a different route. I want him for the long haul, I can't deny that. But if that is the path we are to take, it has yet to be seen.
I hope whatever the thing is with the "other person", that it's done. I still feel I have the number 1 spot locked up. However, I don't plan to give some 20% chick a chance to look like 80% either. I am thinking at this point there is a 90% chance he's staying in Memphis. Only we can decide if we still have a chance, given the distance. (Before you ask, yes I would move there if things became permanent) I think it can work with the distance, even as far as us becoming closer emotionally. But that requires letting go of past issues that prevent us from moving forward in the present. Since the distance played a major role in his marriage to the ex, he doesn't want to do that again. What he needs to understand is that we are different people, we are at a different maturity level, we are allowing ourselves to become closer in the amount of communication we have, and the differences continue. I felt as if, from the stories he told me, they both put up such walls during the dating phase, that they didn't give each other a chance to really know the other person before they got married. Her thing was that she wasn't going to move where he was and not be married. His thing was if he went to this particular area he was to be stationed at alone, he would likely cheat. Those were both things that could have been overcome. Cheating is a conscious decision that can be stopped at anytime. For her, if she was single with no kids and not established in a job or college somewhere...what was the reason for not moving? Conversely, even over our distance, I feel we've seen each other at our best and worst...and we're still here! The truth is, it takes effort and maturity for any relationship to work, and I think we may both be willing to do that.
I will keep you posted!

Say a prayer about the house!

Saying Goodbye

So, now that I have officially exited the other house, I have a few fond memories of it.

 

Yes, they do have to do with sex.

 

Yes, I am going to tell you.

 

But first I will tell you my least fond memory of the house. The day my baby boy fell down the steps. I think I blogged about it. I’ll check when my internet is up at home.

 

My most vivid – but not fond- memory of sex in that house was in the beginning when the PsychoRev came to hit it one last time. He was in a bad emotional state (supposedly) and was contemplating ending his life that night. Before this, I already knew he was emotionally off balance. He wanted to come over and I really didn’t want him to, but ‘what if’ you know? I just couldn’t take that chance. So I let him come over at about 2am. I remember saying a prayer before I opened the door. I figure if he was suicidal, he could have been homicidal as well, and I just didn’t want my kids to find me dead in the morning. But, I let him in.

 

We went straight upstairs to the bedroom and had sex like we usually did. Definitely not bad sex but I just couldn’t get into it. Thank goodness this was one of those times the lights were off and it was dark, so he couldn’t see the tears wetting my face. I was actually afraid. So I let the detached me (known as Nisi, short for my middle name Tonise) go through this with him. Everything turned out fine, he left later that morning, and life moved on. Whew.

 

I made love to The One/Can’t Get Right in that house. We don’t have sex…it’s something way deeper than that. But it’s not good for me, so I don’t do it and haven’t done it in quite a while. I have done a darn good job of suppressing those 10year deep emotions, and will not sabotage that for physical gratification! He’s not mine, he’s still technically married, we are NOT together, and that’s that!!

 

The New Guy and I even had some beautiful moments in that house. The best being non-sexual. All the times we were intimate non-sexually. Just sleeping together, playing Scene It with the kids watching, laying on the couch watching Discovery Channel……

Okay, I’m getting upset thinking about him and how he totally SCREWED UP A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! So I must move on.

 

The most fond memory of all in that house is…..unexplainable. In all my experiences….EVER…..it was the best……EVER. From the couch to the steps to the bed to the chair in my room……WOW. Yes, I did say steps. I wonder will I ever in life be that lucky again. It’s great that I can replay it in my head when I need to, but watching it on a 32-inch TV wouldn’t be so bad either! I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

 

I am hoping to be that lucky again…and not before I’m too old to remember what’s like. Come to think of it….not too far from now wouldn’t hurt either.

Once again…..I’m a Scorpio…I have wants and I have needs! My problem is, they are usually the same. And if I can’t have what I want I would rather do without! Damn the astrological chart!!!!

I Moved

Yes!!! Be excited for me…I am out of the slumlord’s house!!

 

As with all change, I am worried that I jumped from the frying pan into fire. But that’s a natural ‘What if I made the wrong decision’ reaction.

 

My rent is lower which makes me happy. The kids – for the most part – are pleased with the move. Yes, they have some adjusting to do.

 

Bruzer was caught in the act by his auntie of fighting the teacher at school yesterday! Yes the Officer caught him hitting the teacher! My child! Hitting a teacher!!! In preschool!!!!

 

This is when that annoying little voice in the back of my head says “You should have stopped at 3!” LOL

But Hell, what fun would that be?

 

I called and talked to the teacher to get the skinny on what the heck happened. Apparently he had a bit of a meltdown after I left, and decided to go lay at the front door of the daycare center on the mat (can we say EWWWWWW?) sucking his beloved thumb. When the teacher discovered him and tried to get him back to the classroom, he went into full-on rage. This is right about the time the Officer was walking up. Yeah, it was on!

 

I talked to him last night and this morning. Okay threatened really, but hey whatever works, right? My mom even told him that if behaved that way again, he wouldn’t be able to buy a motorcycle when he got big. That was H-U-G-E to a 3 year old with an obsession with motorcycles!

 

I did also explain to his victim…err, teacher….that we just moved this weekend and the past few weeks since summer started I have been slacking on bedtimes. Trust me, these are not excuses but actual reasons. His behavior is completely unacceptable to me, and I don’t cut much slack on such behavior.

 

I won’t have my internet at home for another couple of days, so by the weekend, I will have several update posts that I’ve been writing at home offline.

This one I emailed from work. Ain’t technology beautiful!?

 

Progress as Promised

I liked that title! That's what we see on the roads and stuff in the area of Illinois I live in. You know when they fix a pothole, expand a highway, or pave a road? Well, they know that we know that those are our tax dollars at work.

So really, they just want to rub our noses in it!

Anyway, today was a good day. I got the one thing I planned to do....done! I got the money I needed to move! I just need to schedule the moving truck and sign the papers (ie lease), and life is good.

Today, I will be packing.

No really, I will.

Seriously.

I want to get the kitchen and the bedrooms done. Once those are done, I will really feel like I made an accomplishment.

I will keep you posted, hopefully with more news and Progress as Promised.....

The Update Post

So actually, I don't have much to say. I took the last two days off work. The initial intent was to get packing and things done but I really did more relaxing than anything! What did I accomplish? Well, let's see:

• I finally got an oil change for my van
• I went to both area Wal-Marts to pick up boxes (on separate days)
• Went to PetsMart for more boxes
• Cleared out my closet (except for things I will sell)
• Fixed the door from the house into the garage
• Washed up most of the clothing in the house
• Began boxing up the kids' closet clothes

You know, little things like that!

In case I haven't said it, yes I did get the duplex that I liked. Now it's a matter of coming up with the money for the deposit. I have simply told my family I will have it, because I don't want them to stress about it too bad. I am off work again on Tuesday, so that will be my "money hunt" day. Originally, I told the people we could meet to sign the lease on Tuesday, but since I'm going to combine payroll with the money I find (which isn't until Friday) I'm gonna have to push that back a few days.

The good thing is that gives me the entire month of July to "recover" before rent is due in August. August is also one of those nifty 3 payday months people love so much. In this case, it means I have both full checks in July to play with, and the 1st and 3rd check in August to cover rent for August and September. However, if something at my job doesn't change real soon, I won't be there in August to enjoy the 3 paydays. I got an email from the other woman working til 6p with me (yes, she's back to her shift now) that our manager tried yet again to get the "powers that be" to change our hours to close at 530p, but they are just not going for it. She said before she knew it she told him, "Well then you're probably gonna lose two more agents soon." She said she just couldn't help herself!

Honestly, I know my manager has done all that he can do. So my next step is to take advantage of the "open door policy" of his manager and explain my viewpoint to her. I'm trying my best to hang in there and build a little longevity, but this is ridiculous! I am toying with the idea of emailing the HR recruiter at the bank I worked temp at downtown St. Louis last year, also emailing my resume to the CEO's admin who I worked with. Something has gotta give, and since I don't think it will be CWT, it's gonna end up being me!

I think the New Guy has gotten himself confused into thinking there's someone else in my life. I think that's been one of the big deals and the reason for the distance. A little while back he read my blog about the day the Commander came over, and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! Yes, I corrected him on it, but I don't think that helped. It went into the "he's been hurt too many times in the past and he just doesn't think he could handle it again, so he's being really cautious with me" role! Like my heart hasn't been stomped into the ground quite a few damn times either!!! But what he seems to forget is that when I was all gung-ho and thinking things were going great between us, who backed away with a story about wanting to 'pursue other options'? Hmmmmmm. Like I told him, I met the Commander during the time that he kicked me to the curb. If it wasn't for the fact that the Commander wasn't so anti-relationship (from Day One), New Guy wouldn't have been able to come back into my life after leaving me high and dry. But, the Commander and I (just like me and the Major) ARE FRIENDS.

So why do I have to keep jumping through hoops to prove my intentions are for him? Yet all I'm getting from him over the past 2 months is increasing shows of disinterest? Yeah, guess who is feeling like a fool right now? I let my guard down twice with him, and twice got stepped on.

It's funny how those people who are always trying to protect themselves from being hurt, always manage to hurt someone else.

Twice.......