The 200th Post!

And right at the New Year...how appropriate! I don't have much to say this evening. I worked today, by myself, and it was VERY busy. So, I am tired, and I will not be up to see midnight tonight. Last night was yet another night of laying in the bed, thinking too much and unable to fall asleep. I work tomorrow from noon to 4pm, then the rest of the week is the usual 8a-430p.

I've got a lot on my mind, lots of changes to make, so the big long post will have to wait until New Year's Day. But, I am pretty proud of my 200th post, if I do say so myself!!!!!

Poor Girl With The Four Children

Or apparently that's what people think I think about myself. My family to be specific.


It's not.

I am just keenly aware that I have more children than only one person I know (my oldest friend, Moira, has 6). When most of the people I know have two children, I just think it's a lot to ask someone to babysit 4. I have absolutely no problem watching other people's kids cause hey, I've already got 4....what's 2 more!? Or at least that's the way I see it.

But both my mother and my sister seem to think I am singing this sad song that I should be the victim or something because I have four children. So I had to set them both straight this weekend about what I mean when I say that. My kids were my choice, and my dream, I never ever want sympathy for them. When I was younger and before I had children, I always said I wanted "2 sets of two". Twins would have been awesome, because I was so fascinated with them....but it just didn't happen. The part I forgot to be specific about, was the loving husband there with me every step of the way.

Whoops! My bad. Careful what you ask for.

Leigh told me that watching my four is no bigger deal than watching the Officer's two, and that really made me feel better. I told her how hard it was to ask her to watch the kids so I could go to Memphis to visit Dante, and she said she knew that. As bad as I wanted to go, it was equally as difficult to ask anyone for such a favor. But, I realized something today. I need to watch what I say. If my family has heard me say that and that's how they think I feel, then perhaps my kids think that way too. No more of that, then!

Dante and I are hoping for another trip to Memphis soon...and I would love for it to be in January sometime. So, since it's not as big a burden as I have made it out to be, then I will ask again when I'm ready to go back! Not saying I will be careless, and start asking folks all the time, but I will not be like I have been about it. So hopefully when we are ready to take our getaway trip (to who knows where), the family will be fine with watching my bunch.

You know, honestly, I can't imagine not having any of my children. Everyone is unique, and their personality is priceless (good and not-so-good). Even right now, it's ok that DJ is not here, cause I know he's with his father and that side of his family. But imagining him gone on permanent basis....not even possible. I don't regret a minute of the drama I was put through with any of their fathers for the children God gave me. They are not burden. They are the joy of my life and -many times I feel- my reason for being. I named my businesses after them, so I am always reminded of who I am and why I do what I do.

Lord, thank you for DJ, Starr, Champagne, and Bruzer....Your gifts are not lost on me. I couldn't thank You enough for the privilege of being their mother. For without them, there would be no

Solo-Mommy!

Saturday, The "Lazy" Day

So, I decided to stay in today and rest...well sort of. My energy isn't up to full strength yet, but I still have laundry to do and a house to clean. Unlike others, this does not mark the start of a 4 day weekend for me. I work all day on New Year's Eve and half a day on January 1st.
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.

Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?

Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?

In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!

My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!

The Road to Recovery

Wow, you won't believe how much better I feel! From yesterday to today, it's like a whole new person!

I ate mandarin oranges for breakfast, then late morning I had some chicken broth with saltine crackers. I was actually feeling hungry after that, so Kween and I had Subway for lunch. I usually get a Meatball Sub, but I figured that would just be pushing it, so I got regular cold cuts. Life was good. My energy stores were still low so, I have been taking it easy today. But I didn't even sleep at my desk, I was awake the whole time.

And....I even had on 3 3/4 in stacked heels! Yes!! Rest assured, she's back!

No dinner this evening, just not very hungry really. Still trying to take it easy back into solid foods. We'll start anew tomorrow.

Talked to Can't Get Right today. He told me yesterday that he wanted to talk to me and could I call him back in 30minutes. Well of course he wasn't answering when I called. What-ever. He called today and I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me he had lost his nerve. I had already told Kween earlier that he probably had a feeling I was seeing someone and wanted to ask, but changed his mind. The thing about me is if you ask a question I assume you want the answer, so I will tell you. He knows this too.

Anyhow, when I asked what he had to talk to me about and he BS'd around it, I half-jokingly asked if he had another baby on the way. Well, I didn't like his answer, so I probed further. Turns out, he almost did!!!! By this most recent baby mama (who lied and told him she had an IUD, but really wanted a baby) is who it was. Now my thing about this is this:

What if -when he assured the divorce was on the horizon this last time- I actually believed him, and waited for him, and not saw anyone else? First off, I would be missing out on Dante. That, at this point, is completely unimaginable. I can't begin to say how much I adore him (and that's all I am willing to admit to myself). Secondly, I would be devastated to the point of slightly crazy by now. I waited and you've been sleeping with someone else???

So, what do I really think about this new revelation? What a great way to end this year. I knew in my heart it was over, and this just solidified it for me. Thank You Lord for helping me close doors.

What's most hilarious is that that news is not what he wanted to talk to me about. He wanted to talk to me about me and him!!!!! HA! I just want him to be a father to Starr, that's all I ask.

To top the evening off, me and the ex-husband had an argument tonight! Let me backtrack to say yes I have 2 ex-husbands. But the likelihood of me EVER talking about ex-husband #2 is just rare period. If I do, I will let you know. But hereafter, I am always talking about my first husband when I mention ex-husband (also DJ's father).

It started out with him asking to claim DJ on taxes next year, and thinking he was fooling me into believing the benefit is to DJ by giving him a $500 CD. We have already had the tax-claiming as a favor, him reniging on his part of the deal scenario once in our lifetime...and I said never again. But I told him I would at least think about it, and I meant that. One thing led to another about extra fees being paid by me, and him saying that's what child support is for, and me pointing out that his child support has not been adjusted in the 10 years it's been in effect. It was going downhill from there -- and fast! He was actually yelling! And even said some crazy mess like let DJ come live with him! I told him that money meant nothing, I would much rather have him sitting at the sidelines of one of DJs basketball games...like all the other boys had at some point or another. I would rather him attend some parent-teacher conferences, or talk to his teachers throughout the year. I would rather him have been in the audience at DJs spelling bee. You know, little things like that! But he can't see that at all. I just want my kids to have better father relationships than I had/have. Is that too much to ask??

I try not to get my Punkin involved in those drama-filled moments of my life if I can help it. I don't know if I'm trying to put on a front or if it's just we're not quite on that level yet to really share. I vented to the bff, and will probably talk to mama later. I mean those are the people that were there since day one, through the good and the very bad and very ugly of our history. I don't want him to have to experience that if I can help it. I really care about him, and while I know all our time can't be happy, at least I can try to keep the unnecessary drama that I have to deal with out of his life. He's got his own stuff to deal with, and I care that much about him not to add my occasional messiness to it.

What's funny is that I have Dante on my desktop at work, so he's the first thing and last thing I see at my desk. Then I have a polaroid of him on my bookcase headboard, so I usually see him before I go to sleep too. Plus I have pictures of him in my beloved Treo as well. I am really smitten with him. But when I think really hard about it, I don't think there's more to it than that. I could be in denial, this is true. But I don't think so. I think I am just protected because we had our conversation so long ago about the limitations of what we are and what we could be....so it's really a protective mechanism.
Though in all honesty, if I could turn it on....he would be totally worth suffering a heartbreak over.

Yes. I am THAT crazy about him.

Guess who is sick again?

Yes, don't be jealous. It is I! My annual bout of sickness has come upon me. Let's see. It started with the severe body aches and chills last Thursday and Friday. It lightened up over the weekend, though left me completely void of energy. Monday I lounged, since I had a relapse. Christmas Day I worked for four hours, from noon to 4p. All was normal until...

Last night at about 9p when anything I had left in my stomach decided it wanted out...and fast! I slept on the couch and at 330a and 5a, I was up over the porcelain bowl dry heaving since there was nothing left in there to throw up. I debated going to work today. But since I am trying to keep my occurrences down to a minimum, I went ahead and got up. I got there about 15 minutes late and pretty much slept all day. I drank water this morning, and within an hour that was coming back up. I ate some mandarin oranges about 1p.
I was able to keep them down!! WooHoo!!
When I got home, I was actually starting to feel hungry, so I crunched on some dry cereal.
Still doing good.
Time to move up to chicken broth. I have finished a half teacup at the time of this writing, and all is still well!
At this rate, I may actually want to eat real food by tomorrow!!

So, backtrack to Christmas. It was a splendid day. I was so overwhelmingly blessed, I just could never be thankful enough. My prayer is that I can pay it forward like that to others in the near future. They got things they really wanted and totally loved. The things from work, as well as the things my Punkin brought were just absolutely a godsend. I even felt froggy enough to put up my little tree overnight, to make it even more special for them in the morning.

So that I wouldn't hear anything from anyone, I made sure my kids were dressed and well. I combed the girls' hair, and I cut Bruzer's hair. DJ is gone with his dad for a couple of weeks during school break. They looked ever so cute in the clothes they wore as well. Especially Starr, in her black turleneck, black leather (yes, leather) skirt, and long denim duster. She was too cute, and yes of course I am biased.

My sweetie came up there to my job on Christmas and brought his cute little shadow with him, his neice. I bought him a digital camera, and he was very pleased about that. He thanked me again the next day for it. She is a little doll too, the spitting image of her mother and her grandmother. I was glad I got to see him before he headed back to Memphis. We are already looking forward to my next trip down there.

So this also begins a time to reflect back on the past year and make plans for the fuure. We'll discuss that in another post...it's close to bedtime!

It's Christmas

Merry Christmas to all. Please remember in all the hustle and bustle that is the holiday season, trying to find to perfect present for everyone on your list, that Jesus is the reason for the season. What more perfect gift were we given than that?

It Could Have Been Me...

I saw a very sad article in the paper today about an 8 year old girl dying yesterday morning, after being rolled over with her mother's car. They were headed out to school, and she thought the car stopped so she got out because she left her hat in the house. The door apparently knocked her under the car, and she died.
Lord, I pray NEVER to know what that loss feels like...in Jesus' Name...Amen!



What it reminded me of was the fact that I was luckier than little Ashlynn was. You see, when I was about 9 or 10, I was also rolled over by my mother's car. The difference was that in my case, noone was driving and the car wasn't even running.

You're wondering how then, right? Let me explain...

It was a nice late spring day, school was still in. All I wanted to do was get home and get outside to play, but my mother had a few stops to make. First we stopped at the store and bought a couple of six-packs of Dr. Pepper. Do you remember the real glass, tall, slender bottles? Yep...those! After that, she had to stop at her friend Maggie's house. I stayed in the car and she went in to talk to Maggie. This visit was seemingly taking forever, especially since I just wanted to go home and play outside.



So, what did my incredibly brilliant and idle mind do? I began to meddle with stuff in the car. Wipers, blinkers, radio station and volume controls. Then, looking at gear selector (it was on the floor instead of the steering column), I came up with a great idea! I was gonna move it, but straight to the 'D' position, that way it won't go backwards!!!


Smart huh? I was in fourth grade, give me a break!


Well, surprise, surprise! The car started rolling backwards!



So, I get out and my first instinct is that my mom is going to be pissed, and I try to push the car! Needlesstosay, that didn't work and the door knocked me down. The car was an orange Chevy Vega with the black racing stripe down the middle. It rolled over my legs, and was stopped across the street by a bush in front of a field. All I rememeber was my legs were aching when I stood up and started walking toward Maggie's front door. Now, looking back as a parent, I can't imagine the sheer horror my mother must've experienced in that moment!

My knees were bleeding pretty badly, they were split open to the kneecaps. My mom drove me to the hospital emergency room to assess the damage. Yet again now -as a parent- probably one the longest car rides of her life. I don't rememeber waiting or being rushed back or anything like that, I think I was just too young and it was about 25 years ago, too. What I do remember however, is the nurses cutting my favorite pair of Sassoon pants off of me!!! Okay, not all the way off, but it was up to mid-thigh!

Yes, I know it was an emergency. Yes, I am aware my legs could have been broken. But, they could have just asked me to take them off! Yes, I know they were ruined anyway because the knees were torn open and saturated with blood...minor details really. I was 10, give me a break for pete's sake!

There was one other thing I remember about that ER visit. The doctor standing there talking to my mother telling her how lucky (read:blessed) I was that I wasn't knocked a little further under the vehicle, where it would have surely crushed my chest. Thank You God, for all the times you saved me in my childhood. From the mishap in the dentist's office when they lost me for a couple of minutes. By lost me, I mean my heart stopped. To the time on the Illinois side of the riverfront where I stepped in what could only be described as quicksand, and was almost waist deep (and sinking fast) before my mother spotted me and was able to pull me out. To the time mentioned above, where my bored meddling could have cost me my life. Yet my most notable "inconvenience" is that I had to lay up for at least 2 weeks . I mean, couldn't even really bend my legs kind of laying up. I mean I woke up and went to the couch, I got to go to the bathroom, and then at the end of the day I got back in the bed. Children, we know not what we do...

Heavenly Father, please comfort the family of the little girl that has now returned to Your kingdom. Please especially be a comforter for the mother, whose pain, anguish, and guilt could threaten her very life. Guide her, Father, so she knows that no matter what life brings, You are always there and will never leave her. Give her Your wisdom Lord, so she may try to understand the whys of this most horrible tragedy any mother could experience. And Father, give her Your strength so that she may go on and continue being the best mother she can to her other 3 children. In Jesus' name....AMEN.

The Weekend in Review

Large, dreamy sigh!

Okay, here we go. After all the running and things on Friday, we still didn't hit the highway til about 7p. Got right outside of Arnold - on 55South - and ran into a 4-lane clogging accident! We moved about 2 miles in about an hour! From the vehicles we saw (fire trucks, state police cars, and a few ambulances) we guessed it must have been pretty serious. However, when the traffic finally opened up, we saw absolutely nothing to make us even think there had been an accident!

We got to Kween's father's house at about 1230a. Their phone was not working properly and she didn't have the cell phone number, so we - correction I - just had to knock until someone answered. Thank goodness they answered, cause Dante didn't! He obviously fell asleep, cause I called a gajillion times to no avail. It was almost becoming comical, except for the fact that it was going on 130a...and these people needed to get back to bed! So I looked on Kween's phone internet and got directions from one house to the the next. But, OMG, her stepmother Jackie got in her car and drove me all the way to the apartment complex! Just in time for Dante to call, of course! He is so sweet! Just twenty million apologies, but I knew what happened to him. It was late after all. We were the only idots driving around at that time of night! Normal people were home in bed!

So both his plan and my plan for Friday night was scratched. He wanted to take me to some club and get some drinks and dance a bit. Well, after a certain hour I knew that wasn't gonna happen, so I went back to my original idea. I brought my silver trenchcoat and a pair of black boots.

You are correct. That was ALL I was gonna wear as I greeted him at his door! Another time perhaps...

Anyway, after a good long hug and kiss (okay, several kisses), he ran me a bath and told me to go relax. It was so hot, I sweated my hair out! But it felt so good! I don't take baths at home you see. I don't really have the time. By the time I do have the time, I would never get clean, cause I would fall asleep in the tub!! So, I am basically a shower girl. Single mom, 4 kids. Seriously, what did you expect?

Back to the topic. I got out of the tub, dried off, then was instructed to lay on the bed. I got a complete rubdown with lavender baby oil gel, then a mini-massage with this three-pronged handheld thingy that came in really handy a day later! And then....

Puh-leeze, you know what happened next! You know what happened several more times that weekend! So, fast forward to the morning. Okay, fast forward a little more to when we actually got out of the bed! We got up and threw on some clothes then headed to the grocery store so I could shop for breakfast. I made some oven-baked french toast with a brown sugar glaze. I garnished with toasted slivered almonds and bananas cut on the bias, then served with some turkey bacon I pan-fried (til crisp of course, that's the secret). He absolutely loved it! Dante's not really big on fried eggs. That's something he and Starr have in common actually, she doesn't even like them with cheese anymore. But both of them can eat them boiled, just not scrambled and fried. He made tequila sunrise drinks to go with breakfast, and the spoiling began!

One thing to know about me is I find joy in serving. My children and my man, that is...not just anybody! He finished his food before me, and I asked if he wanted seconds. So, I sat my unfinished plate down and went to make him another plate. He tried to protest, but I shut him down. So from that point on, I took care of everything I could. I washed the dishes, did any cooking or serving of foods, and kept the tequila sunrises flowing until I left! He loved it, which I am glad. It would suck to live totally by myself. So I really think he enjoyed me being there to do that for him.

We went to see I Am Legend on Saturday, and went to an Italian restaurant to eat afterwards. I told him to pick someplace he has wanted to go, and so he did. I found out he is weak over lasagna. And that Talayna's in St. Louis has the best lasagna to him. The movie, by the way, was very awesome...one of Will Smith's top performances.

The rest of the weekend was spent lounging around the apartment, just watching movies and being in each other's presence. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I fell asleep several times on the couch, which pleased him. He said it was nice to see me so relaxed, which I truly was. Me? Take a nap at home? With the kids here? You wanna talk about hypertension, let me try to take a nap during the day, and my blood pressure is going up!

Oh, and lest I forget Saturday night. Got reacquainted with my friend, Tequila Blanco! Our love-hate relationship is still intact after all these years. I drank about 5 shots in a row, not to forget I had a cocktail at dinner, and had been sipping on tequila sunrises all day. Let me be frank with you on my condition: I got drunk off my ass! Do you hear me? Completely F-cked Up! And you know what? It felt goooooood! Yep, I said it! It's not like it's anything that will be happening again in the remotely near future, but dammit I had fun! Even when the barf-fest began and I had to clean up the wall in the bathroom, and wash the rugs that were on the floor. I had fun! I passed out on the bed, and the next thing I know it was 4am...and someone was "rolling me over"!

Remember that slow leak I told you about? Yeah well, by Sunday, it was flat. Of course this was the exact moment I was ready to leave that I noticed this. We went up to Auto Zone and got Fix-A-Flat, which has NEVER worked for me by the way. Okay, now we've got to change to the spare, which I was really trying to avoid. (Note to self: find your damn hydraulic jack! What use is it if it's not in the van when you need it?) Well, by we, I mean he did most of the work! But, it was a team effort! You know I can't do the damsel-in-distress thing that well! So Kween and I made it home on cruise control at 70mph. There were a lot of other vehicles passing me, including the big rigs! That burns me up, but we made it home safely...and that's what matters. She was off today, so I was at work worn out! But I made it!

So, am I on cloud nine after this weekend? Emphatically yes!
Have I fallen head over heels in love with him, and have visions of us living happily ever after? Have you even been paying attention to my blog...or is this your first post? Okay fine, well if it is then let me break it down for you. I am nuts about this man, absolutely bonkers. He is me...so how could I not absolutely adore him? We are so much alike in so many of the same ways, and we know each other's personality types, which is a good thing.

BUT!!

See the dramatics there? I couldn't help it! We are what we are, and I refuse to let my emotions get in the midst of anything and ruin it. What are we? I don't know actually. I don't think we expected to dig each other like this upon our first meeting, so we are both just trying to enjoy it. Yet, we are both aware that this is likely not a relationship that could last in the long run. Why? He just got out of a long marriage, he needs to come into his own right now and enjoy his "singleness". He keeps telling me about wanting to finish school before he retires, and that it will take up a lot of his time. He still wants to have children and experience the whole process of diapers and all the good stuff that goes along with child-rearing from day one! Medically, I am done with that. Though that is not to say I wouldn't do it again for the right reason. (Did I tell you how AWESOME pregnancy was for me?) I still got the tools, they just need to be repaired. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have made that decision so hastily but, such as life, I did what I thought was best at the time. Plus, it would have been nice to have the anxious and excited dad-to-be rubbing my belly at night and talking to the baby throughout the day. With four pregnancies, nope, never got that. Yeah, I know...sucks to be me.
And let's not forget my condition. I think he would be like New Guy, just not able to be completely comfortable with it for the long term. I just hate that society has put such a horrible stigma on this thing, that people fear it like it's a death sentence! It is what it is, that's all I can say. Okay, also I can say this: If you're reading this and you have ever had a cold sore, you have what I have just in a different part of your body. But essentially the same virus. Now what makes yours less worse than mine? Socially accepted thought patterns, that's what.

All that to say, as far as our relationship, I am doing everything in my mortal power to avoid the L-word like the plague. You know how quick I am to fall, and I don't wanna freak him out or anything, so I keep it under control. Honestly, I am pretty proud of me...I really am changing!


But, for the record...casual dating sucks!

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME

Okay, so I was able to get off work at 1p today, with the sole intent of hitting the road at about 4p at the latest. Um....NOT!! My mother's outpatient procedure was scheduled for 12noon. They are currently running about 2 hours behind! Mind you, for this procedure, you can't have eaten solid foods the day before. Not 12 hours...THE. WHOLE. DAY. My poor mom! On top of the fact that she has to be put out for this, and her and anesthia are not really the best of buds.

But, as long as her outcome is positive and clean...I am good with that!

So, of course that spirals down to my expected departure time. I am now hoping for 6pm.

I have some running to do, so I will let you know how my weekend went when I get back!

Countdown!!

Man, you have NO IDEA how excited I am for this trip! You'd think it was a dream vacation to Hawaii or something wouldn't you? That's kind of how it feels, considering my life!

Today, I discovered a slow leak, but I have no time to get it fixed, so I am just gonna have to nurse it. Nothing is keeping me from going down there! To add insult to injury, payday is next week, so you know finances are not that pretty. I have a plan though, never fear!!

Since Kween is getting a ride down there courtesy of moi, that should cover some of the gas money getting there. Once I am there, I know my car won't move, whenever we do go out. Then come Sunday, when it's time to go, all I have to do is gas up using my debit card. Here is a little trick I found out a few years back: As long as you have a positive balance on your debit card, you can get get gas at the pump!!! Cool, huh?

Oh, don't panic! I am not purposely trying to bounce my account! I just know I have money being deposited on Monday, so that will take care of that. Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do!

The plan is to get off work early tomorrow so I can have everything taken care of and just be redy to drop the kids off and rollout about 5p at the latest. I would have loved to leave earlier, but my mom is having a procedure done at noon, and Leigh will be going with her. Just found this out tonight as a matter of fact. I'm trying to roll with it though!

Come hell or high water....I am going to Memphis this weekend!

Close Call!

So, THE WEEKEND is coming up in a couple of days!! I am so excited, but at the same time have been apprehensive...waiting for the hammer to fall. Everytime I really plan something for me, something happens and the plans get ruined. Take my birthday weekend for instance! Need a reminder? Find it here.



Well, something almost happened. Almost. I was talking to my sister Leigh and asking her what kind of ingredients she wanted me to buy for the kids (they'll be making cookies at her house). She told me she would get it to me next week. That's when I reminded her it was this weekend. The look of confusion on her face was only trumped by the look of cool panic on mine. She was under the impression it was next weekend, not in 2 days! She says I told her the 21st, not the 14th. But I don't remember giving her a date. I remembered saying 2 weeks before Christmas. Then she proceeds to tell me that she will have our other sisters' children on Saturday. So, after a few moments of tension, she states that she will still do it.



WHEW!!!!!!



But, what that has made me think is that -as much as I want to see him as much as possible - I don't want to have to ask my sisters to watch my kids for a weekend again. I have that Delta ticket that expires at the end of March, and we were planning a trip in March. But unless my mom is willing to come up here and watch the kids...I just can't see it happening!

Yes, it does suck. Honestly, since I have had 4 children, I have NEVER gone on an overnight trip or a weekened getaway with anyone. Wasn't even a consideration, cause I already knew the outcome. But, for him, I decided to try. It's just too much mental stress on me. Now I am feeling guilty, knowing that my children will indeed be an inconvenience to someone else - that thing I loathe the most. Nevertheless, the plan is to go all out and completely enjoy myself, knowing the likelihood of a repeat anytime soon ain't lookin' so hot!

We are such homebodies, it really sucks at times like these. My middle sister? I would the thought would NEVER cross her mind to go anywhere without her kids. If she won an all-expence paid trip to Hawaii for two, she surely couldn't go. How could she not go without her girls??? I feel so bad for her sometimes. I told Kween the other day, I could see Anne dating again before I could see my sister! That's not a news flash, unless you recall that Ann's husband lost his battle with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, that about sums it up huh?

And, happily or not so happily, Leigh has been married since 1995, so she doesn't have to date...she's already there! She can't necessarily understand my position either. I couldn't even see her and her husband taking a much needed getaway, becuase they wouldn't be able to take the girls! Does that make me a bad mommy, cause I want some experiences for myself!?

Fine then, if it does...cause I still do!!

Why am I so hard to please?

So, if you haven't noticed, I have been a bit unsettled lately.

We'll blame it on hormones.

Why am I the way I am?? I mean here's a great guy that's totally into me, true to his word, and has proven he cares about me and that he is a friend. But, there is a problem with that for me. He's not "The One", he's not even a contender in the title fight for my heart.

This is such unfamiliar territory for me, I am starting to melt down I fear. I have always looked at guys as potential life partner and, if you didn't fit that bill we didn't even date. Why waste money paying a babysitter or time away from home on something that wasn't going anywhere? The Major was "safe" because he was so far away, there was no danger of that ever becoming a relationship. But meanwhile, I was still looking for Mr. Right-For-Me.

Another thing is I've always had it in the back of my mind that Can't Get Right and I would eventually get it together and get married (and show everyone!). But, lately I have come to the realization that that is not going to happen, so that "always in love" feeling is gone. I don't like it! I like being in love! I want to be in love! I want to stay in love!

Right now, I am in no position to fall in love, be in love, or stay in love with Dante. I just can't allow it to happen. I would most assuredly be setting myself up for heartbreak. And who really does that on purpose, right? But then, if I even go looking for something else (yeah, I was yahoo personals browsing last night), then I feel guilty like I am cheating. The thought of him with someone else drives me nuts (I am a bit possessive...but not in jealous way). That's why I wouldn't initiate a conversation with anyone. I just don't really want to meet anyone new right now! I got too much other stuff to deal with.

Okay, okay. I need to get my head back in the game don't I? Enjoy this for what it is, which is awesome. I LOVE it when we're together and I hate-it-but-handle-it when we're apart. I look forward to my visit next weekend, and to him coming home the week afterwards. Since I am working part of Christmas Day, I have already invited him over to my house for a full course dinner on that Sunday before. I am really trying to plan our getaway trip too, even if it's only a weekend away. I want to go away with him, we have so much fun together. Plus the thought of being in a hotel room alone with him, not worrying about any hearing....WHEW!!! Truly, he does things to me that have never been done before (which was nearly impossible)...and we are still exploring each other! There is more to come on both sides!

So can I just let it be fun and a great time and rest in the fact that - while I'm busy getting my act together otherwise (home, business, finances, etc) - one day the lasting relationship that I still so desperately seek will come my way. Only next time it does, I'll be ready for it!

Happy Saturday!

My punkin is out in the field again this weekend. I talked to him last night as he was getting ready to leave. I picked out the perfect card for him on Monday and mailed it, positive it would be there by his return from New Orleans on Wednesday. Well, he didn't return until Thursday...and the card didn't arrive til Friday!! What can you expect for 42 cents, right?
I put a lot of effort into getting the right card, I took a few minutes searching. I would read the outside of one and it would be perfect, exactly what I wanted to say about our relationship. Then open it up and BAM! There is the L-word! Exactly NOT what I wanted to say. So apparently third time was the charm, cause when it happened the third time, I said a little prayer then opened it up and....it was perfect!

Even better is that he really liked it and appreciated the sentiment. Yay me! I have sent him an e-card before, but I didn't want to seem like a complete cheapskate so I decided to send a real one too.

Remember those card-making kiosks?


I had a good talk with The One today. No, not about relationship stuff or anything about "us". It was more about life in general, a very positive conversation I must say. The second one in a row. But as much as my bff wants us to get together, I just don't feel it. I feel more for the New Guy still than I do for The One. I think we (me and The One) will just be good friends eternally...but I don't see us getting together or married or anything like that. I have seen what a good man and a good relationship is supposed to be and, it's just not possible to go back to what I have always known from him. When I call, he answers...or if he doesn't, he calls back within hours at the most. If he says he's coming by, he actually shows up. If we make plans to do something, I can count on him not to cancel at the last minute. He backs up his words with actions. You know, little things like that! I can truly thank the New Guy for these expectations (and Dante is reinforcing it). Unfortunately, I don't think his experience with me gained such positive reviews. Such as life, you live and you learn, and try not to repeat the same mistakes again.

I chatted with the New Guy the other day. I try to check in with him every now and then. Not for relationship purposes, but just cause he's an okay guy in my book. I guess he felt the need to confirm with me that he was seeing someone, but I already knew (I asked whether it was serious or not, and it is). He is not the type to be alone for too long, just like me. We just want to be loved, we just weren't the ones to do it for each other apparently. How mad could I be? I mean, I am seeing someone too, right? Yeah, it does bug me a bit, because hindsight is 20/20 and I see the errors of my ways. I could have been a hell of a lot more understanding of what he was going through at the time, and just backed off for a while. But noooooo, I thought I had been patient enough waiting for an answer to the "Am I still desirable to you, or am I unworthy because of my condition" question....and I wanted to know NOW!!!

There is absolutely no guarantee that had I been more considerate this would have taken a different turn, but I can always imagine. We are our own worst enemies and critics though aren't we? Part of it is my usual love-can-conquer-all self, thinking he would have chosen me over fear of this condition. But that's not very realistic now is it? I had a good run of guys not being that concerned about it and trusting me and the facts they read about it. So it was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. I mean, in reality, you can't win 'em all.

It just sucks that -out of all the others- he was the one I lost.

Life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. That's right, two-two-two cliches in one!!!

Life Goes On

Wow, am I having a bad day today!

I am so tired of being depressed and broke on payday!

As my mother used to say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!"

Finances are shot to hell. I am all borrowed out, and guess what? The bills keep coming! So, I just downloaded the software I need to my laptop so I can sit up and take calls that way. I died to get this work-at-home job...and I have done crap with it!!

This is my "little" so that God will see I am capable of handling "much" next year. So, I will designate a day off every week, but otherwise I plan to work everyday...as much as I can until the bills are not only caught up, but AHEAD!!!!

Can you imagine? It doesn't even seem realistic! But it is possible!!!

I just have to put my mind to doing it. To not let "I'm tired" be my excuse to keep living like this. Hell, most nights I go to bed at 1am anyway, why not get paid for it?!

Been chatting with the Commander lately. He will be most happy if he could get into my pants again - or get me out of them, whichever way you look at it. Ah well....life goes on.

Still wonder what's in the future for me romantically. I know, I know....I'm being ridiculous. But you've got to know this casual dating is only gonna work with me for so long, right? I mean, Dante and I even talked about it. This is great for now, but eventually we're both gonna want more than the other person can give. That's where we'll go our separate romantic ways, with good memories but left to start over again.

Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe starting over?? I just want to be settled and happily married for the rest of my life, why is that so much to ask?????

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to be patient. It will happen in time. When the time is right, the right person will come along.

Blah, blah, blah is all I am hearing right now.

Sleet

Yes, I know. Winter has officially begun. It was snowing earlier in the afternoon...then it all changed! It's been downhill from there. But, as long as we don't end up where we were last year...life is good!

Got my time bridged at work. Now that means nothing for seniority shift bids, but it does mean I will now have an extra week of vacation for 2008. WooHoo!! So I have four weeks of time to account for next year! That is grand!!! Dante and I are planning a getaway to Reno or Vegas using my Delta tickets I won last year. We are looking at probably the second or third week in March as ideal. Once again, I will have to rely on my sisters, since the kids are in school during that time. But as long as I have their clothes ironed and food for them and everything, all should be okay I am thinking.

Okay...I am really hoping!!

And praying!!

Maybe a little begging too!!

I'll keep you posted...

Been Thinking

Yes, I know....scary, right? Well, I have had a LOT on my mind lately. Been all over the place as a matter of fact. But, first things first. Dante and I are still doing very well, greatly enjoying each other. We talk pretty much every day, or email, or text, or all of the above! I still don't feel like there's anyone else, and I hope I have made it clear that I want him to tell me when there is.

I really don't know what will happen at that point honestly. I am too old to be sharing, but can I really go back to just being his friend? It wouldn't be easy, that's for sure. But, it's not like we were not completely up front that that day would come eventually. However, we didn't expect to hit it off this well in person either, and have so much in common. Taste in movies, taste in music, exceptionally warped sense of humor even!! But, we are what we are...and unless he changes his mind about wanting to have kids of his own....we can be no more than we are now.

However, we are completely infatuated with each other...and it feels great!!



In other news, I have made the decision that I will work from home by end of the school year. My goals are to get my computers up to speed - laptop and desktop (which I *ahem* fried the other day). Okay I don't think it's really bad, I tried to put my memory upgrades in correctly this time, and I believe it was too much for my power supply unit. I also got advice on a tech support forum that told me that. So, I have to buy a new one first to see what happens. Hopefully my computer boots up...otherwise I may have done unseen damage to my motherboard. That would suck!

So, I am in the process of doing online classes through my job to brush up on my international skills. It has a dual purpose of course. If I am able to work the overnight position from home, great I will need it. Otherwise, I need to learn for myself for StarrDom Travel. It's just quick little courses, maybe an hour long or so, but packed with a lot of info! From this point on, everything I do will have some consequence to get me towards my goal professionally.

I am already thinking about what a failure this year was in that respect. One more year gone that I wasn't taking charge of my life. I was someone's charity case all damn year it seems like. Poor girl with the four kids all alone. Blah, blah, blah. I am not a victim! I will not be a victim! My kids deserve to see better from me.

And okay I will go ahead and admit this....I still miss the New Guy.

(solo-mommy exits quickly before the reactions begin.)

Melancholy -- Blame It on the Moon

Ok, so I am somewhere between depressed about life in general, emotionally frazzled due to PMS, or just melancholy due to the phase of the moon. No, I am not super into the whole astrology thing, but I am very aware of my hypersensitivity to the full moon. I get that from my mother also (among all the other things). When she's feeling emotionally "weird" for no apparent reason, one of the first things she does is check the moon. She's usually right on about it too.

Whatever this is, it really sucks.

I really don't like feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat...and over nothing. Yet, here I am.

And what did I do to make this jacked up state of being worse???

I watched The Lake House! If you haven't seen it, just watch it. But take my word for it, I wouldn't recommend it during PMS time!

This Week in Review

Monday: DJ had a basketball game. I switched with Kween to get off at 4p, since it was a 430p game. I hate that they ASSUME one of these kids' parents stays at home! I am the only parent, and I work full time! I worked through my lunch and left at 330p, which helped out a lot! WHAT AN AWESOME GAME!!! The kids played so well together, I was literally bursting with pride! They actuallyt won!!! They don't technically keep score, but people do anyway. And after their shutout 35-0 against O'Fallon the Friday before, they really needed this boost. And it was just an all around great game! That was one of two highlights that day.
The other was talking to the New Guy on my way to the game. I just needed to clear the air with him, and make sure he knew I wasn't still mad at him. You remember my big rant, don't you? We had a good conversation, and I'm glad for it. I wanted him to know that I understood the decision that he made and that it wasn't an easy decision for him, and that I thought he was a good guy and definitely a good man. I even told him he could be my friend and call me every now and again. (Don't know if he'll take me up on that one though)

Tuesday: Paypal's bank tried to take the $474.59 payment out of my account again. This happens AFTER I deposit a check into my landlord's bank account! My bank could in no way confirm to me that they would hold my rent check to clear when presented. That check could not bounce!! Stress level is mounting again.

Wednesday: Still worried over finances, but at least the rent check hasn't bounced...yet.

Thursday: Worked in the office by myself from 730a-4p. It was very cool as usual. I had my laptop set up and was watching movies that I rented from Redbox (which I totally love). I watched Live Free or Die Hard, which was action-packed and pretty awesome all around. It has the guy from the commercials that plays the Mac...and he did very well. Reminded me of a couple of great pairings of the action star and the comic relief from previous films. Judge Dredd (Stallone and Rob Schneider) and Rundown (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Sean William Scott (from the American Pie movies)).

Went to my sister's house to eat and retrieve the children. Mom came up to my house, then I took her van to work. She drove my van since all the carseats were already in there. I ate one plate of food, then had a good helping of ambrosia. I was good for the rest of the night. I packed some cake and more ambrosia, and we headed home. After all, I still had to work Friday too!

Friday: One other person was in the office today and thank goodness it was someone I could stand all day. I still had my laptop set up though. Between calls I was able to watch 2 movies. It was a lot busier than Thanksgiving. I logged about 30 calls, and that wasn't everything! Some were quick answers to quick questions, and I didn't get a name, so I didn't log them. Mom came up again this morning and watched the kids for me.
Everything looks like it may be getting back to normal with my bank account. As soon as that happens though, I am closing my paypal and ebay accounts. If I need them again, then I can re-register at a later time. I am just tired of being constantly "behind the 8-ball". I want more, and the kids and I deserve more too! When things like this happen to people like me, it takes a long time to recover from it. But God is still on the throne, and those wrongdoers will not triumph on one of His children...in the Mighty Name of Jesus!!

Birthdays Rule!!!

WOW!!!! I thought my birthday rocked! Dante went above and beyond for my birthday! I haven't had such a *ahem* pleasurable time in I don't know how long!



Well, I knew that when Dante came into town on Friday night, he was coming straight to my place. The plan was to take the kids to Kween's house where they would spend the night, and I would pick them up in the morning. So, after I had fed them and they were close to ready for bed, I took them to her house and got everyone situated. He was about 45min to an hour away. Which was still enough time to get home, straighten a little more then take care of me. Even though I am not totally in love with my figure, I also know it's not as bad as I sometimes tell myself. So knowing that, I decided to wear a "little something" for when he came in the door. Black, lace stretch chemise that just barely covered the assets!



I was so concerned about "looking right", I tried on a couple of different pieces to make sure it would be the right one! I haven't been that concerned in a while, but it was a special occasion after all! (His reaction told me I picked the right piece!)



I lit candles in the room and closed the door, then went to take my shower. I was so anxious for him to get here! It was a VERY long week without him! I drank a Smirnoff Ice very quickly to get a good buzz going on, then lay across the bed. I dozed off for a second, but then he called and told me he was on his way. There was no napping first this night!



Yes I did sleep very well with him next to me. And so did he! BUT, before we slept...

Let me just say, I didn't think it could get much better but...well... (sighs and grins)

So, the next morning as we're laying in bed listening to music and talking, Kween calls. She tells me to tell him hello and he immediately holds his hand out for the phone. So they talk and she tells him I need to be somewhere by 12noon, which he understands as I need to be at her house by noon. Fast forward to a little bit later when I am trying to "convince" him to play a little longer. He was determined he wasn't gonna have Kween mad at him if i didn't show up.

Now comes the good part.

So, he asks me where I needed to be, and I told him about the loan place so I could start borrowing money to pay my rent. (My landlord was NOT happy that I was gonna be late again) He asked how much I needed, and I told him (it was over $500 but under a grand). He preceded to call his credit union to start the process for a bank to bank transfer!! I couldn't even speak After everything was done and I was still in shock about what happened, he came over and put his arms around me. All I could say was "Thank you. This was beyond." I told him I was shaking, and he said he knew because he could feel it.

I was finally able to compose myself and we got some clothes on then went to IHOP for breakfast. Spinach and Mushroom omelet with a stack of pancakes...perfect! (I definitely worked up that appetite during the night/morning!) We talked and talked and talked. I learned even more about him...and I ate up every word. Perhaps he learned a couple more things about this fascinating creature known as SoloMommy.

What a wonderful time we had together. We left each other's company at about 2p, then I headed straight to Kween's house. I didn't leave there until almost 10p! That was the first time I have really spent time at her house, and we both really enjoyed it too! Today is my recovery day, so I am just lounging! It's back to the grind tomorrow. It's not like this will be a short week for me, since I am working both Thanksgiving and the day after!

Somebody's got to do it, right?

The Week in Review

WOW! What a week!

Work was work. Got an HR email about a midnight homeworker position...that I don't qualify for since I am still on written for attendance! Oh well...not for me at this time is the way I look at it. But, I believe there will be another position coming soon, if I am to stay at that job. It's funny listening to some of the people in there talking about how they couldn't work at home because they need the socialization. Mind youm these people either have no children or their children are grown with lives of their own. There are so many things I would love to do, if I could work overnight while my children are sleeping. I could work HSN during the afternoons when I wake up, and then in the evenings...or on my off days from CWT. I could do data entry on my laptop while working CWT, and when it was slow. AND, I would be able to pick my kids up from school. AND, I would be able to pick my nieces up, therefore saving my sisters on latchkey costs. AND, I wouldn't have to worry about missing work of one the WonderTwins had a fever and couldn't go to work the next day. AND, I could take them to any functions they needed to go to in the time between school dismissal and when I would usually pick them up.

Needlesstosay, I am really hopeful about this one. I let my manager know that I was VERY interested in a midnight homeworker position. If all continues as it is going, I should off my written attendance warning by December 15. I have a couple things from last year this time falling off by then. Once that happens, I am free to move about the company!

The most memorable thing that happened to me this week was (drumroll).......

GETTING MY EBAY ACCOUNT HACKED AND HAVING SOME ASSHOLE IN INDONESIA BUY OVER $2000 IN CELL PHONES...THEN PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM THRU MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT!!!

Yeah.....good times, good times.

Please. Don't start the "that's why I don't shop online" sanctimonious bullcrap! Yeah, I've heard it a couple of times this week and it is quite annoying. Especially when I know that my bff wasn't shopping online but paying at a major hotel chain when her credit card info was stolen and used to buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries in Mexico!! Criminals will find a way to make things happen, whether it is online or offline!

Paypal rectified the situation very quickly, as did ebay. I contacted the sellers of all these $400-$600 cell phones and explained the situation. Most responded by filing a dispute, which gets their listing fees waived so they can relist at no additional cost. I had one seller that was being a moron saying they had already received payment. So I replied that no payment was coming or will come from my paypal account and that I am sure there will be a dispute from whoever's paypal account he hacked into, but that it was up to them if they wanted to take the chance and send the item. I notified my bank immediately, and now I just have to have them waive a NSF fee, then life is good.

What's ironic is that I haven't really been shopping on ebay because of my finances. I have had that account for about 5 years and nothing like that has ever happened. But because I let my guard down, and wasn't active or watching over it, I get burned. So, lesson learned, and I am back on top of it.

I have been talking to Dante this week. We text alot, which is uber-convenient. Some say it's impersonal and whatever, but when I am working I can't very well talk on the phone. But, I can text!!! I felt better about it, all the melancholy feelings that I had last weekend after he left. I can't wait til he gets here this weekend for his birthday. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for him! I want to make his birthday as memorable as he made mine!

He is still so sweet and thankful about what happened on Saturday. I really didn't think it was a big deal, but it really meant a lot to him that I stayed. Seriously, I just couldn't see it any other way.

I will let you know how the weekend goes.

A Lazy Day

So, I am feeling really melancholy about Dante headed to Memphis.

Yes, I know it's only 5 hours away max.

Yes, he will be back this weekend for his birthday.

Yes, Kween and I are already planning a trip there before Christmas.

BUT, I don't know where we are, Dante and I.

I mean we talked before, and I told him about Can't Get Right, but then I later told him I wasn't that concerned about him anymore. We agreed that if the other person started seeing someone else, then we would be honest and say something, then just be friends.

BUT, that was before we met. Now that we have met and realized all of the chemistry we had in the virtual world transferred into reality, has things changed? I guess in a way they have, though the basic principles are still the same.

He still lives 5 hours away. I am fimly planted where I am.
He is still in the military for at least another 2 years.
He still wants to have children of his own. I am surgically altered so I can have no more.
We are so alike in so many ways, yet some of the fundamental differences is what keeps me grounded and not trip off into LoveLand (as I have been known to do *ahem* a time or two).

So I should just continue to enjoy this for awhile right? Keep things under control. Don't get too emotionally attached or involved. Let it be what it's gonna be. Nothing more.

I tell myself that daily. But, it will be easier since he will be gone on a more permanent basis. I will admit, I was very comfortable sleeping under him. Even he noticed it and teased me about it! (Don't worry, he was always gone before the kids woke up) All the time that I was involved with Cody, I was never comfortable sleeping with him. I mean like actual catchin' some Zs kinda sleeping. I was on my side, he was on his. But with Dante, I couldn't wait til he got comfortable in a spot so I could snuggle into the space between his arm and his torso! He loved it too though. It's been a while for him with that kind of intimacy. In case you didn't know, sleeping with someone can be a very intimate act. I figured that out because of how I was with Cody. So distant and guarded when it came to the actual sleeping part of the night.

So, all is well that has ended (or been put on hold) very well. Because seriously, at the end of the day, I want to see him happy. If he finds a woman in Memphis and they go on to get married and he finally gets that child he has wanted for a long time, I will be ecstatic. I care about him, I consider him a friend, so I want what he wants. That's just who I am.

We shall see that...the saga continues!

The Rest of the Weekend

Saturday night turned out to be a fiasco. My bff and I weren't on the best of terms. The way things turned out, I didn't get to go to dinner. By the time I got babysitting all situated and was on my way from home, they were done eating and the chocolate souffle was to be ready in 17min. It was going to take me 40 minutes to get there. So, here I was frustrated and highly disappointed, and all dressed up with nowehere to go.

I called the Kween to vent, she told me to call Dante and see when the game was over and if he had plans afterwards. East Saint Louis Senior High was playing for the shot to go to state championships...and they won!!! Go us!!! Kween said if I didn't get a hold of him or if he already had something else planned, she was gonna put on some clothes and we were gonna go somewhere! Which was very sweet cause I was near tears and so disappointed by all that had happened, and because she is not the 'going out' type but willing to do it for me.

So I met him in the parking lot and then followed him to the Ahmes Temple (lot of older folks' hangout), where he was to meet with his old classmates and some of his family. Well we got in there and got a table, his cousin ordered us drinks. (I only had cranberry juice due to my very first -and prayerfully very last- UTI) I noticed his talking was rather slurred which concerned me, cause I didn't want him out there drunk driving. So we were talking and he laid his head on my shoulder and it started getting heavier. And heavier. And heavier. His cousin woke him up once and he talked for a few minutes, but his eyes were very heavy. The next time we got close and he laid his head against mine, he was out like a light!!! So I woke him up and told him to come outside with me, thinking the fresh air would wake him up. It didn't. We got into his truck and he started it since it was chilly out. He got comfortable and within a few seconds was out again.

That's what I wanted, which is why we went out there. I didn't want him sleep in the place. So, here I am thinking I would listen to some music and let him nap for about an hour. Then we could go back in and enjoy ourselves.

Yeah....um....not. How about 2 and a half hours later, I FINALLY got him to wake up!! The combination of alcohol and a lack of sleep from the night before was too much for him, and he literally passed out. There was nothing I could do to wake him. His phone was clipped to his pants and vibrating, and that did nothing. I was shaking him and talking to him...nothing. At one point he went to stretch and began gunning the engine, since his foot was on the gas. I had to literally lift his left off the pedal! (I told him about that later and he was very freaked out)

I know, I know. You're thinking I'm a nut for staying out there with him while he was sleeping, and you probably would have left. You know that thought crossed my mind but, being the fiercely loyal and very protective Scorpio that I am, I just couldn't do it. What if something happened? I would never have forgiven myself. EVER. I just had to watch over him and make sure he was okay, he needed me.

When he finally woke completely up, realized how much time had passed, and realized that I stayed with him the whole time, he was amazed! If he didn't thank me 50 times, he didn't thank me once. He was truly shocked, and grateful, and appreciative for what I had done. It was no big deal. So, we went to Ruby Tuesday's to eat (I hadn't eaten since JITB earlier). Can you believe, I was one of those couples that sat on the same side of the booth?? And yes we smooched most of the time too! I loved it!

So, I went to Sam's and got Champagne's cake. My bff and I talked and kind of made amends for the day before. We learned some things about what the other person was thinking. I told her I felt slighted alot of the times because she is always doing something with the couple when she's here. And then strangely she felt like I was more focused on texting and talking to Dante, which was infringing on our time together. I say strangley because honestly, he and I didn't text but a couple of times throughout the entire day (it was less than 15 messages received and sent, I counted), and we talked once when he came up to the movie theatre. But hey we both acknowledged that we were being a little bratty I guess. I also did my weekly trip to Aldi to get groceries to make dinner for the week. I can easily feed all of us for a week with a few staple products and about $25. Once again everyone, a round of applause for the amazing feats of Solo-Mommy!!!!

Dante ended up coming over when everone was there so he got to meet the whole crew. I apologized later, just in case he was freaked out by that at all, but he said he it was fine. I am sad that he is leaving in the morning. So now I have to get my feelings back in check, cause I was really starting to dig him. Back to reality! He gave the birthday girl 5 $1 bills, which was so sweet. She was happy cause she got her birthday card from Grammy. I will try to have a Wordless Wednesday and post all the pics but, no guarantees k?

So, all in all, it was an up and down weekend. I went through the gamut of emotions and had some very interesting experiences. I have to say everything turned out as it should have so, no regrets I suppose.

I still say 34 is off to a great start!!!

Just need to vent

Mood: Frustrated!!!



So as you know, my bff came into town this weekend for my birthday. I was just saying how it was so nice that we got to spend the whole day together yesterday. We hung out from when I picked her up from the airport that morning to about 930 that night. Usually when she comes to St. Louis to visit, she spends the entire time with the couple (her very good friends) that she stays with while here. I may get a few hours on the day she gets here or I may get a little bit of time and take her to the airport as she is leaving. Which I am a little envious sure. I'm the bff and they get the majority of the time when she is here. But I have never said anything, because at least they went to visit her in Chicago. It's been since DJ was a baby that I did that. Granted, they also had either no kids or one little baby at the time as well.


But anyway, silly me to have thought this may be like my weekend or something. As usual, something happens with one of them that changes everything. Well now we find out...the DAY OF DINNER....that he has to be at work at 6p. The place is a little ways out so with reservations at 430p (sharp), I would need to leave at about 330p. That frustrated me because then I've got to start scrambling to get things together. Dante won't be able to make it anymore cause he is at a game til 5P in ESL. I told him no worries. I haven't been able to reach the Kween so the girls can babysit. I just sprung the kids on Leigh last night for my birthday, so I don't want to do that again. Unfortunately I vented to my bff and now she is upset, whereas I am starting to feel better.

I am just being a brat, so don't mind me! Damnit!! It's MY best friend and it's MY birthday dinner!! They weren't even going to be invited until we found out it was his birthday too (same as mine)!!!



(solo-mommy breathes deeply) Relax, Relate, Release!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

OH WHAT A NIGHT!!!!

I had a GREAT day yesterday for my birthday! I picked my bff up at the airport at 9a. We stopped at Schnuck's to get a few items since she was in the mood to cook breakfast. She had a phone interview with Monsanto while we were on our way to her friend's house (where she stays when she's here). We stayed over there a few hours. Part of the time while she was cooking, I was wasting my life away trying to get a complete moron to change my Sprint plan. After 45minutes of my life had passed, I hung up and got another agent who changed it to the way I asked and then we moved on to something else.

Can't Get Right/The One had left a voicemail while I was talking to Sprint Customer Service. No, I didn't ignore his call. Sprint somehow disables your call waiting when you call their customer service (*2) number! How nice of them! Cause you know, this 10 minutes I was on hold just to talk to you is nothing compared to the minute or two (tops) that you may have to hold while I take what could be a very important call!

Anywho - back to the story. Turns out, Mr. Man had taken the morning off and wanted to spend some time with me. But, of course, by the time I called him back he was headed in the work! Of course! No big deal, I wasn't that broken up about it. When you don't have something, it's hard to miss it right? I don't miss my GMC Yukon XL Denali....cause I don't have one! See how that works? Same with him, I can't miss spending time with someone that I never spend time with.

After we left there, I stopped up at my job and introduced my bff to a few of my coworkers. Then we headed to see Tyler Perry's (best film yet!) Why Did I Get Married? at the movie theatre. OMG!!! We laughed, we cursed, we cried, we got mad, and we got glad! That movie was awesome and I am SO GLAD I got to see it with my bestest friend! It was very good, we could both relate to it...and neither of us had been to the show in so long! She even got to meet Dante, since he stopped up there and gave me a card (and a few good kisses). She said she liked him and wanted him to come to dinner with us today. So that was cool. This little sneak even left a card at work for me! Kween sent me a text message to come to work, so I went right after the movie thinking something was wrong. She just wanted me to see the card he brought up there.
I know......awwwww, what a sweetie! He is good at what he does!

We stopped by the house for a little bit to recoup, then picked up the kids. I fed them dinner and then we went to Dominique's game. I was very excited that for the first time ever, she has been at an event of her godson's! With her living out of town, it was just never really possible before. Then we went to the Officer's house for cheesecake for my birthday. We decided on cheesecake instead of cake and ice cream due to Starr's birthday last week and Champagne's birthday the day after mine. We had a good time and she got a little bit to eat as well. I had one bite of cheesecake (not a huge fan) and fed the rest to the WonderTwins. I noticed my bff was getting tired so we were wrapping up for the evening. So Dante calls and wants to know if we wanna go to a party. I told him sure but I knew my bff wouldn't want to, since it's already past her bedtime and she'd been up since 4a to fly here.

So, with a knot in my stomach, I asked Leigh if the kids could stay over. She said she didn't mind. That was HUGE for me to do! I don't have a life as it is, because it's hard asking people to babysit FOUR children, while I go out and do whatever. But I thought, 'hey, it's my birthday dangit, and I wanna do something'! Leigh said yes and I took BFF to her friends' house in St. Louis, then dropped off the kids at Leighs. I thanked her again and headed down to meet Dante at a little hole in the wall in the city.

We didn't stay there long. He was still reeling from seeing me earlier that day. I had my hair down finally (first time he's seen it), some well-fitting jeans, and my grey contacts. It was the first time he's really seen me prettied-up in person! And he LOVED IT! So when he asked who had the kids and I told him they were at my sister's house, he perked right up. This is what he said:

"So you got the house to yourself?" [I replied that I did] "Well, let's go. I'm following you!"

It was an absolutely awesome day with the bff...and the night/morning with my Soldier Boy was phenomenal! There was some sleeping...but not a lot. We had music, candles, burning oil, and two Scorpios with enough passion to light a city! It was SO GOOD! A birthday night well spent...and noone I would have rather been with!

34 is off to an AWESOME START!

Champagne is 5 Today!!!

Yes, the baby girl is the big 0-5 today! Since I have plans today still for my birthday, I am going to have the family over for cake and ice cream tomorrow.

They make these little crowns at school with the child's name and their age on it, so she is wearing that around now. We didn't do anything major this morning after I picked them up. I wanted to go to Denny's, but really my pocketbook didn't support that theory. We went to Mickey D's at about 10:25a, and they had already decided to start serving lunch. So we went to Jack in the Box, because Jack says breakfast is available ALL DAY! Jack rules for that in my book (the giant blueberry french toast sticks are a helper as well). Now I am just lounging around...recovering from last night/this morning with my Soldier Boy. (more on that later)

I will probably go to Sam's tomorrow to get her cake, but no more 1/2 sheet cakes! I'm getting a round this time, I ended up throwing away cake from Starr's birthday! I am so GLAD there are no more birthdays (that require cake) until March!

Starr is 9 Today!!!

Yes, she is in her last year of single digits! She was so excited for her to birthday to come. Not cause there was some big party or anything like that. But she was excited just because it was HER BIRTHDAY! That totally rocks in my book!

Yay me, that I raised completely unselfish and unmaterialistic kids (thusfar)! And a big Yay to my Momma for doing it to me!!!

She talked to her father on the phone this morning. He kept checking with me on the evening's plans and agenda all day. Did he manage to show up for her birthday?

Is George W. Bush the best president ever?

I thought that would answer the question pretty smartly (read: sarcastically).

Life is still good though. My mom gave me these Valentine's things from Krispy Kreme...and I may let them go tomorrow morning and get their own doughnut for a 2nd breakfast (we'll probably have cereal before we leave).

Really? What kid wouldn't think that was cool?

Halloween is FINALLY Over!

I thought it would never leave!!! Unfortunately, I have somewhere close to a metric ton of candy to contend with! I am not real big on candy and my kids. It's not cause I'm a mean mommy, but moreso to try and prevent them from taking the path I did.

They like candy, as most normal, red-blooded children do. However, they do not love candy as I did growing up. I mean real love. Like every-tooth-in-my-head-is-filled kinda love!

They did dress up though. My sister, Leigh, was able to provide costumes for all, and my brother-in-law took them trick or treating, while I chatted with Leigh and my mom and fried some chicken strips and fries.

I will post their pics later...I am tired though, so headed to bed.

On to Brighter Things

I finally got the email from the company I've been waiting not-so-patiently on regarding a job! So I have already begun my PAID training, which I plan to have finished by this week's end (so I can get it into payroll). Yes, this is a work-at-home position!

I have begrudgingly started swapping out summer clothes for winter ones. You really don't know how hard this has been for me. I am in total denial about the upcoming winter season.

Did You Know? There are these nutty people in the world who says crazy things like "I would miss the change in seasons"!! Can you even believe it? Puh-leeze!! I was so content in San Diego, where in the "winter" it was in the 50s. No, not the high....the LOW!! Wait! You're one of those people??? How can we ever be friends now?

Of course, I'm kidding! I have a lot of friends -and even family- who likes to noticeably see all 4 seasons...and I still love and hang with them!

Got a pleasant surprise this weekend! Dante drove into town on Sunday. So him and his dog Brownie (who is the cutest little dog almost ever) came over and surprised me. We sat and watched a movie, while I was sorting clothes. Then he left. I sent him a text message to see what he was doing at about 11p. I asked if he was busy, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to be, he asks if I was offering. I told him I was, to which he replied with 'I'm there in 20 minutes!'
Sweet!!

I lit a candle in my room and hit the showers. Sensual Amber by Bath & Body Works is one of 2 fragrances I wear. The other is Brown Sugar & Fig. They are both more like perfume and less like most of the fruity crap that's in the store! If that's your thing, go right ahead. But bees love me enough as it is....I don't need to actually invite them to fly to me by wearing something that smells exactly like cherries!!!

Just my opinion, though! You keep doing you!

Anyway, I'm off the subject but it doesn't matter, cause you know life was good the rest of the night! He has apologized and totally made amends for his timing faux paus, and had since reassured me that it was no big deal to him. He was informed and educated enough to know what it is and how to deal with it. Things have gotten back to the way they were between us before he went under the radar. I was feeling pretty comfortable and the attraction was definitely there so......

Details? No. It ain't that kinda blog!
Tidbit? Okay: 2 Scorpios who are true to their sign, that are very attracted to each other, that are very comfortable with each other, that trust each other....alone.....in a bedroom....with jazz in the background? Good times had by all!!!

I hated waking him up this morning because he looked so peaceful sleeping. It has been a very hard couple of weeks for him, since he got back stateside. I am glad he was able to rest. It's a good thing, I didn't slack too much though getting him up and out. Why?

Guess who decided, for the first time since I have lived here, to stop by in the morning to see me??? Yes, the irony of that is absolutely HILARIOUS to me!!! He didn't show Friday, Saturday, or Sunday...but when I had just sent Dante off 20minutes earlier, he calls to tell me he's pulling up at the house!!! Yes, it is hilarious to me. Yes, I also realize he would have been devastated if he found out about Dante. No, I am not done with Dante yet. Yes, I will be more careful. Dante is well aware of the situation and he understands, especially since we know what we are and are not and never will be. Plus, nobody has a chance at my heart from this point on except for The One.

But for right now, my body belongs to a scorpion!

Crystal Trucking

What is Crystal Trucking? That is/was the name of my father's trucking company. Why is that the title? I'll get to that. But first, these words.

Life has gone on. Much has changed. Been in and out of a couple relationships. Then, I meet my husband-to-be one night. Yes, it was at a club. Yes, I was surprised when it didn't last forever! Anywho, I get a call from an uncle and good friend of my father telling me my father was in an accident. He is at a hospital in Columbia and may not make it through the night is what I was told. After I slightly compose myself, my betrothed and I hit the road. It was about a 2 hour drive...and I honestly didn't know what to expect. It didn't matter because I wouldn't have expected what I saw anyway.

It was a pretty bad accident. He was driving one of those car haulers, and it was empty. I saw pictures later in the daylight. The cab of the truck had two things that you could actually distinguish: the driver's seat and the steering wheel. There was nothing else. The outer shell of the truck wasn't there. There was no passenger seat...nothing. The entire front wheel axle -left and right- was sitting about 7 feet away from the cab. The back skeletal structure where the cars sit? It looked like someone just crumpled it in their hands. And my father? There wasn't a lot of blood or bandages. But, his head was swollen to almost twice it's normal size! Can you even imagine that? No, not juts the face, the whole head. His eyes couldn't even close all the way, due to massive amount of swelling. He was on a ventilator. The doctors said his lungs were fine, but that was to help reduce the swelling to his brain. Every bone on the left side of his face was crushed and he lost his left eye. From the the neck down? Nothing.

It took time, but he healed. I would go over almost every day after work and sit with him and help him out. My grandmother went over one day, while he was in the hospital and cleaned his house top to bottom. Then one day, I came over for my usual visit, and he and the girlfriend were going over bills for his trucking company. I was so proud of him, he had realized that dream for himself. Until I saw the name on the checks. Crystal Trucking! That would be the girlfriend's daughter's name!!! She was a few years younger than me, be he took to her like she was his own child, mainly because of her no-good, crackhead, thieving mother!

I am the baby of nine children by my father. Five of us are girls. You don't think he could have picked one of HIS actual children to name his company after? Or wow, here's a thought: Maybe even his own last name! That hurt me to my soul for years and years. It just seemed like no matter what I did, I was never going to be good enough to be more important than someone else's child!

I called my mom, in tears, still in shock about what I had just saw. Being the defender she is. She called him and gave a good size piece of her mind! That's why I wish my mom a Happy Father's Day every year!

That incident for my father and me, was the beginning of the end.

The Father....Part Two

Okay...here we go again. Fast forward a year. It's the end of college and, after a year of treating my car like gold...I have an accident. I completely accordion the left front fender, trying to avoid a head-on rear ender. Multi-car accident on 64/70E.



I take the car to my father's house, and I am freaking out! I was going to pick up my friend to take him shopping for his brother's birthday. I called and told him what happened, and he was just glad I was okay. My then boyfriend, Rick, and my friend Jon didn't really see eye to eye. So when I called him to tell what had happened, he asked where I was heading at the time of the accident.



I will never forget this...he to this day doesn't remember saying it (and it was totally out of character for him). As I looked out my father's window as he and his friends literally ripped the fender off my beloved car, Rick says to me "That's what you get for not being where you were supposed to be!" Yeah, traumatic, I know. I'm better now though....mostly.



So, my father has been around cars all his life. He and all his friends are in one way or another able to work on cars. From to under the hood to inside the car to on the body, there is someone for everything.



EXCEPT, when it came to me!



Noone seemed be able to fix my little fender for me. So, I drove my car for a couple of weeks without one. Hey, I was 18 and without shame...and was not about to walk!! Until, my uncle (rest his soul) went to the scrapyard and found a white one to replace the one I lost. Did I mention my car was red?



18 years old. Driving my own car. Didn't want to walk. Without Shame!



I did eventually buy some red automotive spray paint and change it to match the rest of the car....better. So once again, done WITHOUT paternal assistance.



Then, after another year or so, my beloved car started breaking down a little too frequently. One particular time, I was on my way from Springfield to E. St. Louis, it was dark already....and she broke down! My mom had already left earlier that evening, and I had just driven past the point where there were regular streetlights ceased. Yeah....good times! I sat out there for over 2 hours PRAYING noone would stop! This was long before the time of cell phones as a necessity, so I just hoped someone with one would call the police. And. Not. Stop.

Finally the police came and I was able to call my mom who picked me up. We called my father the next day to go get the car, and he did.

And it sat for over a month in his yard! Great! Thanks dad! It was finally fixed. Then my mom called him and fussed about it having taken him so long to get my car done, but noted if it was one of his friends it would have long been done! Naturally an argument ensued, they hung up on each other. I called him apparently when he was still upset and made some mention about my 'damn mammy'! Before I caught myself, I told him to watch his f-ing mouth and I hung up!

That was the only time I ever disrespected my father....and I didn't talk to him for a year. The day I decided to talk to him, I just stopped by and we hung out. There was no discussing what happened. We, in general, have a pretty superficial relationship. Yet again, this explains why I am the way I am with men.

More tomorrow.

Did I ever tell you about my father?

Did I ever explain why I am so screwed up when it comes to guys? I didn't think so either. Here goes:

My father would be the reason. All the times that I waited for him to show and he never did. For the "perfect" (in comparison to the other career criminal and drug-addicted local siblings I had) behavior, the honor roll, the never needing bail money. All I ever asked him to really do on a financial basis was to buy my mother's escort from my sister for me. (Hard to explain...don't want to...but my sister was my legal guardian for a time in high school)

Mind you, I had been hearing since pre-teen years that when I was 16, he was going to buy me a car. So, I turned 16 and??? You guessed it! NADA!

Then the story morphed into when I become a senior, he'll buy me a car. Yeah....still nothing. It morphed yet again into when I graduate.

Now it's crunch time. I am about to graduate from high school and leave for college in 3 months. Hey, let's make this easy for you! You can simply 'buy' the Escort from my sister for me and have one of your mechanic friends to fix the cracked head! The car is a STEAL at only $500! Guess what??? He started complaining about how Fords are a piece of crap and it's not gonna be worth it to fix it and "blah, blah, blah" is pretty much what I remember.

So, I graduate high school and go live with my mom in Springfield. By day, I worked 6a-2p, 5 days a week at the Wendy's across the street from our townhouse. In the evenings a few nights a week, I worked from 3p-11p at the Denny's just down the block. Why so much working you ask???

Well, back then, when you took your Ford to the shop and was told you had water in the oil, it meant your head gasket or the actual head itself was cracked. You prayed for the gasket since it was LOADS cheaper to repair. Replacing the head was damn near like buying a rebuilt transmission and having it installed!!! There were 4 figures involved in the total repair bill, and this was in 1991! Yeah right, like it was the gasket on my escort!!! So I needed to make as much money as I could to get my car fixed before it was time for me to go to college. Yes, I said my car. The working was also to pay my sister for the car itself, as well as the repairs!

This next part goes to show who your REAL Father is. When my sister had all the money together from me, she put the car in the shop who originally told her about the cracked head. Imagine all of our surprise when he said the car was fine! He did a tune-up and oil change and sent us on our way!!!

That is the first real event that I can remember. This will run as a little mini-series, so the next part will be later in the week. I can only dredge up so much at one time. Thanks for understanding.

Quote for the Day

"I'm well aware that my opponents on both sides are paying a lot more attention to me. I'm reminded by some of my friends that when you get to be my age, having so many men paying attention to you is kind of flattering." Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton


I love that!! To see the full article click here.

Another interesting article I read the other day on CNN.com regarding Barack Obama and his chance with the black community. It was very enlightening. You'll find that article here.
Basically the article is stating that he needs to count on more than just the color of his skin to get our vote. He is very charismatic, but also not very passionate when he is speaking on the issues. Me, personally, I need to feel that you care what you are talking about. Haven't gotten that yet.

At this point, I would surely be voting for Sen. Clinton. Hey, I can do that! I AM a double minority, remember?

Such a Forgiving Soul

I am always willing to give other's another chance. I have this fatal flaw of always seeing the good in people....even if it's a little speck! So, Dante and I talked on Sunday and he explained the full story of what happened. I told him that's fine and all, but he could have sent me an email to say something. Being accused of being a fair weather friend myself by going into my own little world when things were really bad, I can understand his actions. But, still the timing was just crappy, especially with New Man happening at the same time.

So we've been talking on the phone and we've been chatting. But, as I made clear to him, I am more wary now as to his motives. So we will have to see what happens, and I have to build up to trusting him again.

Can't Get Right/The One is just not there yet. I can't say that I will wait again. I have other things in my life to keep me occupied at least. By other things, I don't mean other guys either. Dating still sucks...too many ulterior motives to sift through. But, one thing I do know is that I can take another hurt from anyone else....but him. I just don't think my heart would survive. So I step back and watch and pray and hope that one day he may actually get it right!

Testy, Aren't We?

Did I get comments when I was writing about my life going to hell in a handbasket? Did one "friend" say 'Hey, keep ya head up'? (Okay, well one did. Thanks, MamaMilton!)

BUT, let me vent my feelings about this year's hurt regarding dating, relationships, and my condition? Watch the feathers ruffle!!! Pretty interesting and...in all honesty...downright funny to someone with a twisted sense of humor as mine!

Can't Get Right is trying to change back into The One, but it's hard for me to trust and have faith that he can anymore. That's where my heart is, that's where it has been forever it seems. I guess we will see what he does. I will not pursue - AT ALL. He will have to win this prize once and for all the hard way!

You know what I like about him? He has always loved me for me. Every flaw. Every dark secret (and I have shared them all with him!). Every lie. Every truth. Every hurt. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what, he loves me. Even with my condition, he loves me. His love for me is more than his fear of that. And you know what's so awesome? I feel the same about him! He never had what I have and, in the 10+ years (off and on) we have been dealing with each other, has never acquired it either. I care about him too much to put him at risk. I cared about the New Guy that much too, but the love (that I think we had) was conditional. That's okay, it wasn't meant to be.

There is a lot of dirty, murky, Mississippi-type water under our proverbial 'bridge'. But, I pray for him. I pray that he has decided to start being who he is to be. I pray for his health. I pray for his children and his relationship with them to improve, now that he is deciding to live/love life and not just exist in it. I pray that we finally get it right! I pray that all those who love me and think I'm nuts for still wanting to be with him, accept him into my life and my childrens' lives. I pray that all in our two worlds, finally 'see' what we've been knowing about each other for the last 10 years.

Such a romantic sap, aren't I??


ps - I'll let you know what Dante and I talk about tomorrow after he calls me...

Men Are Complete F-ing Jackasses!!!

Okay…well not ALL men! But damnit, most of those that I have ever dealt with are!

Don’t believe me? Let me give you a short list:

My father – JERK

My first husband – JERK

My second husband – JERK

My baby-daddy (ie, The One) – JERK

The WonderTwins’ father – JERK

Those are the major ones at least. Pretty much all of the minor ones have been too. This entire batch of new men? JERKS!!

The New Guy strung me along for months instead of just being straight and breaking it off, when it was clear he didn’t want to be in a relationship (at least, not with me). Mind you, this revelation only became apparent when I told him about my condition! That puts him in JERK status.

The Commander hurt my feelings by calling me a fair weather friend, when I was clearly going through HELL in my own life. But when I told him about it, did he act like he cared? No. Now, it seems all he’s interested in is a romp in the sack, cause apparently that’s all I’m worth!! BUT, that can’t put him JERK status because of something equally crappy that I did….so let’s say we’re even!!

New Man who decided to be a judgmental little prick for deciding that my condition was a deal-breaker for him! Meanwhile, I decided to be the nice one and bend my deal-breaking policy of being with a smoker to give him a chance! That puts him in JERK status.

And now, to round out the group, Dante!!!! I am so disappointed and pissed off with his actions! I can’t even see straight!! JERK status!! Let me enlighten you on that one. Once again, selfish – hypocritical – judgmental ass men!!! I was willing to be your friend, regardless as to whatever else was going on. We were supposed to be cool no matter what, even if we decided not to have anything more than that. We have discussed a lot about ourselves to each other, good and bad. You kept in contact with me when you were 9hours away…on an almost daily basis! You even called me on a number of occasions while you were in Iraq, and even up to getting on the flight out of Kuwait!!! So then, I tell him about my condition. Just in case we decide to have some pre-approved extra-curricular activities during his visit home, you know. Well, he was nice about it. Said he is sorry I have to go through that. I knew he was tired, so I assumed he fell asleep. I never talked to him again! WTF???!!! Even when he told me about his very bad reaction to watching horror movies (ie, waking up choking the girl he was sleeping in the bed with)…I decided no big deal. We just won’t watch horror movies! But NO!! Your judgmental ass decides to drop me like a hot potato?? How do I know? How do I know he wasn’t just in the middle of his move from NC to Memphis? Because yesterday, he signed into BOTH Black Planet and MySpace!! That tells me he has had internet access. But I never see him online anymore on yahoo messenger. He made himself invisible to me, so I could never see him online! That puts him in JERK status!

What a bunch of shit???!!! I am past the rejection and hurt that I felt this weekend. I am PISSED THE HELL OFF!!!!

Sanctimonious bastards!!

Whew! Now I feel better!

(solo-mommy puts on her best Cheshire Cat grin)