Moving Ahead

I sold my very unused keyboard last night. Nice kid, couldn't have been more than 21. He said a couple things that struck me as odd, which made me know who's child he was. I asked him if he had been playing long, since he said this was his first electric keyboard. He said he hadn't, it was something he had just started in January as a way to relieve stress...and it better than "getting involved in sex or drugs or anything illegal." That was a mighty bold statement to make, wasn't it?? I thought so too. After further inquiries as to him living in this area, I find out that he was gone for over a year doing missionary work with his church! That confirmed it! Very cute kid, how awesome to hear him so boldly make that stand!

We went to Leigh's to celebrate her birthday with cake. She had carrot cake, which was GREAT, 'cause I didn't want regular birthday cake. I wouldn't have cheated for that. Amazingly though I was good after a few bites. I ate it all though, didn't want to throw it away and I couldn't give it away to the kids! I didn't eat lunch though, so that helped calorie-wise.

I went to Aldi and grabbed a few more things for me but mainly stuff for the kids' dinners throughout the week. If I take the time to plan the meals, then we may be more likely to get things done. I didn't relax my hair still, and boy am I overdue! Maybe it will be tonight...

I made a decision last night when I went to bed that I was going to wake up this morning and workout. The alarm went off at 530a, and I got up! I took another load of laundry to the basement, did the washer-to-dryer switch, then brought a load up and sorted it for the kids. My TV is very close to going out, so it wasn't cooperating to do my workout DVD. So I went to plan B...my laptop! Worked out just fine, despite the distraction of a very large waterbug somewhere underneath my couch! Eclipse tried to get it, but it scampered out of her reach under the couch. Honestly, it was only 10 minutes working out, but it's a start! I would have done it a second time had it not been so late already. So tomorrow I will likely do it twice in a row.

Well, time to the wake the kids and hit the shower! Already heard from my sweetie this early, so my day is off to a great start!! Hope yours is too!

The Weekend So Far

Nothing great happened! I was busy Saturday doing the "Solo-Mommy Special". What is that, you ask? Why, trying to make a dollar out of 45 cents, of course!!

I did get a few things done though. Biggest purchase for me was a new vacuum cleaner. I wished I go without longer, but it's been 2 weeks since mine burned out. With 2 shedding long-haired cats and a human who sheds like a cat (me), AND four children....there was just no getting around it anymore! So, I think I got a really great deal for $65. I tried to avoid Wal-Mart, because they are so unscrupulous sometimes...but unfortunately my budget just doesn't allow for Target (yet), and K-Mart is too limited in their selections.

I bought brightly colored paper from Sam's to make flyers with. I should have the flyers designed by the end of today. I researched several places to buy the paper, and Sam's had the best deal by far. I actually left Sam's spending less than $20! That's the power of a shopping list!!! I proceeded to Wal-Mart, where I found a better deal on kitty litter than buying it at PetsMart. I got most things on my list to keep me in sync with SBD, plus the vacuum cleaner. I brought a limited amount of cash with me -and the debit card is off limits- so I had to put a couple of things back at the checkout. No big deal. I will get them when I go out today, since I still have a little more shopping to do.

So, financially, things are still dire (aren't they always). But I have come up with a proposition for my ex-husband that I pray and believe he will accept. I think it's a bang-up deal that's a win-win for both of us! I will discuss it in my legal consultation on Tuesday first, then present it to him.

My sister may barbecue today, and everyone is invited over for that. I have some chicken breasts that I need to unthaw and marinate and hopefully grill there. That way, I can make my own Chipotle-style salad, which serves a dual purpose. First, I can control my budget. Second, I can control the caloric intake, so I know I am keeping in with my plan. My plan being to become more aggressive and strict the next 2 and a half weeks. I have 15 pounds to lose by April 18. I can do it!

After my first goal, I plan to enter Phase 2, and should hopefully get the other 15pounds gone by June. That will take me 155, which I think will be a really good weight for me. Seriously, I don't want to be skinny, I like my curves! I have been clearly warned by my sweetie that losing the ass is NOT an option! It's not quite Beyonce or J-Lo...but since I was slighted on the top end, it's all I've got!!

Healthy is the goal, which means that exercise HAS to begin this week! I researched and bought some really cool DVDs a while back, and I will pull them out and start using them. My sis and I are trying to coordinate schedules to hit the Y. I am glad we are there for each other in this. She may have weight to lose than me, but we are definitely in this together!

Happy Birthday to my Big Sis!!

Happy Birthday Leigh!!!

This is what I told her this morning:

"So if 40 is the new 30, then 41 is the new 31....which makes you the youngest, since I am 34!!"

She acknowledged the VERY far stretch with that one, but accepted it graciously!!

She was feeling pretty good, since she has lost 12 pounds since the beginning of March, so that is her motivation to keep going on SBD. We are each other's motivation on this, and we talk daily to keep up with the highs and lows. It's amazing the difference a support system makes!

Is It Friday Yet?

Seriously, I don't know if I can hang on for two more weeks!! But I really want to lose the weight, so that's my motivation! Focus, woman, focus!!!

All is well in the house at this point, until the next thing happens! I HAVE to figure out where to get more money from. This just is not working. I have to pay my sweetie back soon. I just feel horrible with that hanging over my head! Like dirt, really.

I am making strides though! If I can just get past the day-to-day bills for a sec, I can get the other things done I need. I am starting to market my travel services slowly but surely. Next step: Flyers!!! I hope to have those finished by this weekend!

Tomorrow is Friday...and not a moment too soon! It's pouring down raining here, and all I want is to be tucked into bed with my sick Dante lying with me!

Happy Humpday!!!

Today was a good day...it was kind of long at work, but it was a good day. I made a hotel reservation for one of my coworkers that plans to stay overnight after the dinner dance. We talked about what we might wear. I hope to be wearing something rather nice...that I can fit very well! I really hope my punkin is able to go, otherwise I won't stay overnight. I have that day off, but I'm thinking about changing it to a half day and just leave work that at noon.
Did I tell you he gave me the cutest card when we were in Sikeston? Very cute! It was a singing card, and when you opened it up Sonny and Cher crooned "I Got You Babe"! You talk about grinning from ear to ear!! What a nice thought!

I haven't heard from him since Monday when we talked and chatted briefly. I believe he went out into the field on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as originally thought. Yes, I was freaking out a little at first, but then logic regained control. There is absolutely no way he wouldn't respond to my usual text messages, that's just not who he has been. Period.

I ran into an old friend today on the way back from Chipotle. His name is Doug and we used to hang out when I was in high school. We both worked at Wendy's together. Long story short, he was really liking me but I was all into my high school sweetheart Rickm so noone had a shot! Apparently I broke his heart and there may have been actual tears shed by him, so to his mom I was MUD!! Rightly so, cause I would have had an issue with some little girl who did that to my son too! Anyway, we are older now, kids, marriages, divorces, the works. He is in the process of his divorce now, so life is pretty difficult. I offered my words of encouragement merely because I have been there. I didn't play the little phony line "Don't Worry it get better", while I am looking like I am top of the world...that is a BIG pet peeve of mine! I told him how I know it gets better...and worse...and better - because I have been through it! I really think I was a blessing to him today, and when I got into the car to head back to work I thanked God for that opportunity to help someone else.

I was on a high all day long after that, feeling really great. That is until I got home and realized the water was off and I don't have any money to pay it!

Told ya! Better...then worse...then better...then...

I Survived Food Day!!!

BIG Accomplishment for me people!! We had an "Easter Dinner" themed food day. Brown Sugar and Pineapple glazed Ham, Roast Beef with Gravy, 2 kinds of mashed potatoed, green beans, corn, fruit tray, veggie tray, rolls, salad, sweet potatoes, and desserts to die for! This was rated one of our best food days ever! Mind you, we do this once a month!

What did I have? No Krispy Kreme this morning, I ate my Vegetable Quiche Cups and my turkey bacon. I ate salad, green beans, roast beef (so good), sweet potatoes and raw veggies! Was I so tempted when the desserts came out? Oh boy!!! I ALMOST went for the "Forkful Rule" - just grab a forkful of everything for the taste of it! But my bff snapped me back into reality! I went and got my sugar-free jello cup from the fridge, then had some celery and natural peanut butter! I was very satisfied!

For some reason I am exceptionally sleepy today too, like I was last night. I was so tired last night that I didn't get to blog and tell you that I am on my way with the work at home company! I was worried that I wouldn't pass the background (ie credit) check, but it came back in about 24 hours!! That was yet more confirmation that I am on the right path! Now, I just have to fork over the money to incorporate to www.amerilawyer.com (great rates) for my IL corporation, and I will be good to go! Ready for the next step!

I have even figured out my exit strategy for CWT, if necessary. The main plan is to ferverently request part-time, or if there are home worker positions with better hours available by fall. If no on both of those fronts, and it doesn't look like changes are on the horizon, I will get terminated! That way, I will be able to file IL unemployment...which is not a shabby amount by far. Trust me on this! That gives me 6months of guaranteed income while I am stabilizing my income through my corporation! Don't tell anyone though...this will be our little secret!

SHHHHHH!!!

By the way, down 5 pounds so far!!! I can deal with 20lbs in a month for sure!

Happy Resurrection Day!

He is Lord, He is Lord

Christ is Risen from the grave and He is Lord!

Every knee shall bow, Every tongue confess

That Jesus Christ is Lord!

Time Off

I took Thursday and Friday off from work this past week. I must say, I could truly do that everyday. I know, I know. There are plenty of people who say they would be bored at home all day and blah, blah, blah. But I promise, if I could figure out a way to still pay all my bills and stay home everyday free to come and go as I please? Oh it would be on!! To put it another way: It's Saturday and I am already dreading Monday! That's how much I enjoyed being off!

South Beach is still going very well, no slips at all! The level of temptation is greatly decreased, mainly because I know it's all in my head. Most of my cravings are not physical...they are mental. So, my goal is to get to Phase 3 (before summer hopefully) and then get back to eating stuff I like in moderation. For example, I don't have to have an entire sleeve of Thin Mint cookies, I can eat 2 or 3 and be satisfied! I could have 1 Krispy Kreme doughnut, instead of 3 or 4 throughout the day. I can eat Red Hot Riplets in single servings at a time, not a whole bag! Those are some things I have been trying to monitor for a while now, my portion sizes. That single act, without cutting any foods from my diet, made me maintain my weight for several months. In other words, I wasn't losing any weight...but I wasn't gaining any either. When I get to 165, we'll see how I feel and if I want to go a little lower like 150 maybe. First steps first though.

Turns out my sister was trying to drive to Mississippi to see our cousin this weekend, so she couldn't commit to keeping the kids. I called Mom on Thursday and asked if she would be willing to come up and stay the night and she said agreed. My trip was on! I told Dante and he modified his flight plans. So I started packing and got ready Friday afternoon. Mom called to let me know she was running late and she would get there at 7p instead of 6p. I got on the road right around 7p, and cruised there at about 80mph. I was very careful while driving, and talked to Jerome on my cell (with my earpiece in) most of the drive.

I checked into the hotel about 30-45 minutes before Dante arrived, which was perfect. That gave me enough time to "prepare". I emailed him a couple of pictures earlier for him to choose what I was to wear that evening. Unfortunately, the one we both liked didn't fit as well as I though (too big, believe it or not) so I had to go with my second choice. I thought the whole concept was pretty cute though, kind of building up excitement until we see each other! I didn't look like a Victoria's Secret model in that outfit, cause I don't quite have that body, but hopefully he appreciated the effort! I showered and set up my laptop with speakers and a playlist for the evening. When he came in we had to kiss for a few minutes, just because! He went back to his truck and got his things so he could take a shower....more kisses! After he was nice and clean and dry, he was mine!!!

Put it this way, I should start at the Y next week for sure, because my entire body is sore! Wow!! It is ALWAYS worth the wait with him! Whether it's a few weeks, or a month, or a year...it would ALWAYS be worth the wait. This distance thing is a little difficult for him and for me, especially when all we want to do is cuddle up at night together. But in my opinion, whenever we do get together, it is so worth it.

What I realized also last night - and this morning - is that it's not all just a physical connection. I actually feel the emotions running like a current between us. I don't know how he truly feels about me, if there is love there or just a deep like, and I don't feel it's the right time to ask. Somedays I don't know how I feel about him, mainly because I am still in denial about my true feelings for fear of getting hurt in the end. But, when I feel what I felt on this trip, I know there is something there, just below the surface that neither one of us wants to acknowledge just yet.
If I think too hard, it can easily stress me out, because there's so much that goes along with that. I mean the majority of our interactions have just been the two of us. But, my reality is that there's not just me, there's four children as well. I don't know how he feels about that (mainly because I've a little too afraid to ask) as a long term prospect. Heck, I don't know how he feels about me as a long term prospect! So, I will only think so far about it, then just let it go and relax and enjoy our relationship just as it is.

Eventually the time may come to discuss it, but it's just not here yet, and I don't want to be the one to rush it.

Happy Humpday!

Today was a good day. Boss was still at home sick. *cough* punk ass! *cough*

Still doing well at South Beach, even though two people brought in doughnuts today! One lady's doughnuts, I don't really like that much. But the others were Krispy Kreme!! You know, really though, it wasn't that hard to resist??

I did very good again today. Call it a placebo effect, but I really feel better. Less sluggish even! Had a veggie salad for lunch, cause I forgot my tuna at home. But with my breakfast and then my snacks, I surely wasn't really hungry when lunchtime came. I ate anyway though, and I am glad I did.

I weighed myself last night right after I ate, and was 192. Then this morning when I weighed, I was 188. I will list 190 as my starting weight. I hope I am at most 180 (fingers crossed for 175) by the end of the 2 weeks. If so, then I will probably extend Phase 1 another two weeks, in an effort to get to 170 (fingers crossed for 165) as quickly as possible! Who knows? Sometime soon, I may actually start exercising too!!!

There is a party for my job on the 18th. I am planning on attending with my sweetie. I reserved one of the special-rate hotel rooms today, just in case we do go together. That gives me a month and a half to be down 25-30 pounds, so I can fit into some of the dressees I already own but may have never worn cause I had nowhere to go in them! I am motivated though to reach this goal. Not just because of the party but I am no longer comfortable in this skin. I want to be smaller

Dante and I had a good time talking this evening. About nothing in particular, just being our usual silly selves! We are going to try and meet at the halfway point on Friday night and get a room until Saturday. I hope I can get my sister to watch the kids for me for such a short period of time (ie, overnight instead of all weekend). It would be much needed for both of us.

A Trying Day

Today started out okay. It was raining, but it wasn't that cold so that made it okay.

Then I checked my voicemail.

The usual stuff. The loan place I owe left me a reminder message last week. Then I got the landlord's halfway annoyed voicemail about rent (which I deposited on my lunch into the tenant's account a couple of hours later the same day). That kind of struck me, because I hadn't been such a good paying tenant while I have been here. But I was managing the stress.

By now the calls at work are starting to pile up due to bad thunderstorms in Dallas-Fort Worth, cancelling everything from, to and through there. At one point, there were 22 calls on hold! In the almost 2 years I have been there, that has NEVER happened! That reminded me of the old emergency service center days where, on a bad day, it was normal to see that many calls on hold all day during a weather situation. But not here! To add insult to injury, our manager went home sick because he wasn't feeling good...again. My sentiments for that? Two things.

1. Must be nice to be salary (ie, not subject to our attendance policy).
2. MAN UP!!! The rest of us drag our asses in the sick or not, so we don't get written up. We put in a full 8 hours. I think you can too!

Anywho, the most stressful part of the day came when I received a reply to a text message I sent Joe (ex-husband) about arrears in child support. You see, he had worked at Chrysler since 1995, the year we got married. He took the buyout last month, and has been waiting for his check to clear to pay into the child support system. Well, according to him, they claim he was paid up and is only a little over $100 behind! I haven't received support since the 2nd week in January! I was counting on that money...and soon! So I freaked out and totally went into stress overdrive. I was bawling in the car at lunch, literally driving to nowhere. I almost stopped and bought some food that I didn't need. I was SO CLOSE to just getting me a slice of that stollen that the lady brought to work. Those are the two things I do, when I get upset. Buy something, never more than $20, and eat junk...usually in the form of a baked good.

I was listening to a message from Creflo Dollar on my Walkman (again, one of my better investments in a while!), and most of the things he was saying was directly related to what I was going through right then. That was a reminder that God is still on the throne, He is in control, and He loves ME!!!

I went back to work, made my salad that I brought from home, and dived back into the calls! I changed my mood because I know that what seems dark right now will always get better! ALWAYS!

I talked to the computer people that I bought the new desktop from this morning also. I explained what was happening with it, and he advised he would be shipping me a new hard drive today or tomorrow. When I heard the clicking noise, I knew the hard drive had failed. I would like 2 new peices for my home office, then I swear I won't buy anymore: A flat panel monitor and a true all-in-one color printer/scanner/copier/fax. Wal-Mart had what I want, and i can get a kick-ass rebate on it too, so that's VERY tempting. I could sell the other 2 to make up the cost!

Speaking of selling. i do think I am about to seriously embark on an ebay adventure. I will keep you posted on that as time goes on. It's all about generating multiple streams of income, so I am never stuck when one source fails. That's what has happened with the child support thing, but I must recover and fast. Life still goes on!!!

p.s. Day Two, though a challenge, was a resounding success!!

South Beach Day One!!!

Because I lounged yesterday, and slacked yesterday evening, and slacked this morning...I wasn't quite as prepared as I could have been. But I think I did pretty good today.

I snacked on almonds and trail mix (sunflower kernels, peanuts, soynuts, and very few raisins). I allowed my 75 calories of sweet treats (ie candy) to be 3 Bit O' Honey chews. Totally worth it. I ate a veggie-packed salad from the grocery store salad bar. No peas or carrots though, not allowed. I had a chicken, spinach and asiago cheese sausage link from Sam's for breakfast with coffee (little bit of cream and a Splenda packet). I am deciding on dinner now.

I went to the Farmer's Market store and picked up some veggies. I went to Aldi after that to get a week's worth of meals for the kids. I think I ended up with 2 weeks worth, so SCORE!!!!!

My sweetie made it to Houston safe and sound. He checked in to his hotel and went to sleep. He was up til about 2am, and had to wake up at 5am to get ready to go to the airport. Wait a minute....

....I was up til about 2am also. And I woke up at 5am to make sure he woke up at 5am!! But did I get a nap? Noooooo. Such as life, right? Well, I finally installed my webcam that he bought me so that kind of made us lose track of time. This is my first time having a webcam believe it or not. Everytime someone asked me about one before, I always assumed they were thinking some perverted thoughts, so I blew them off! But, in this long distance relationship we are in, I can see the necessity. Sometimes, I just need to see his animated face. That makes me not miss him as much.

Did you hear the violins just then?

A Mother's Guilt

Anyone who reads this and is a mother truly knows what I am talking about! There is always something to feel guilty about, that you didn't do right or say right. That's me a lot.

As a reminder, I have four children. Two boys ages 10 and 4, and two girls ages 9 and 5. I am a single mother. I have basically always been a single mother. I realized the other day that that's what I wanted to be. Why, you ask? I can remember being 19 and working at the bank in Springfield telling this woman I was 'so ready' to have children....like immediately. She was a white woman, married, in her thirties, and she had one question. "What about a husband? You're not even married!" At that time, because of how I was raised by a single mother (and turned out pretty darned well), a husband was trivial. I knew by looking at my family that a man was not necessary to raise children. So that's what I focused on.

Guess what? I got it!

Took me quite a while to realize I didn't really want it. Now, looking at the only 2-parent household that I am close to (ie, Leigh and my brother-in-law), I could still rationalize that I'm not missing much. Unfortunately, they do not present a united front, and it shows in the girls' behavior, mainly my oldest neice. So, I could falsely rationalize that I am doing better than my sister because at least what I say goes. There is no going to ask the other parent behind my back kind of thing (which makes me see RED by the way). As I say, I am Supreme Ruler of my Solo-Mommy Universe!

I tried really hard for a really long time to correct my status. I made some poor decisions for the sake of trying to create the 'functional family'. Cause you know mine is dysfunctional because there is only one parent....according to society that is! Poor decisions named Roy (for staying as long as I did). Exceptionally poor decision in William (real name) for trying to be someone I wasn't to become what he wanted me to be. My self-worth was still so damaged at that time, I was just happy that he wanted to marry me, even though I had four kids! Thank God I wised up!!!!!

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!

Okay, I'm back.

One of the things that SUCKS about being a solo-mommy, is that everything falls on my shoulders. If I don't pay the light/water/phone bills...they don't get paid and get turned off. It has happened. If I don't go grocery shopping and cook, we don't eat. I don't get a day off. If the kids need to go somewhere, it's me who takes them. If I want to run to the corner store for coffee, or to the bread store, everyone goes with me...or we don't go. Let me tell you something...

THAT HAS GOTTEN VERY OLD!

But, for now this is my fate. Until the time comes when I am supposed to be happily married again to someone who is not only willing to be a strong husband to a very strong yet submissive wife, but a father - not a RULER - to some already great kids. That's right, I said father, not stepdad. I have three children who have fathers that would rather not be bothered. I hate that (more guilt because I picked the losers). One (Can't Get Right) I couldn't force to be right with a 9mm Glock pointed at his head. The other (Roy) I don't even know where he is!

I will continue to handle things as best I can until the time comes for things to be different. I lose my temper and yell and fuss (and sometimes cuss) and say things I regret later. I wish I could buy more or have more time to do more with them. I wish I could be more kind and sweet and smotheringly loving to my kids (like other mothers, hence the guilt). But that is not me. I have to evolve and change how God wants me to, and know that I am doing the best by my children which - as any mother will tell you - is never good enough.

All Is Well Now....I Think!

Apparrently one of my wires was bad from the box to the house, so the guy was here promptly at 8a (weird huh?) to get me repaired. Thank goodness!!! Hopefully I won't have any other issues from now on. I just have to work on getting my desktop repaired.

Didn't I tell you? The computer doesn't recognize the hard drive! I sent an email to the company I bought it from on Sunday. Then the internet went bye-bye on Tuesday so I hadn't gotten anything. Something told me to check my spam folder the other day, and the guy responded on Monday! He gave me a phone number to call, so I will do that today. I am ready to get that desktop up and running completely because I really need to get business rolling. The sense of urgency I have now is truly turning into what Dale Carnegie and Napolean Hill called that 'burning desire'. The "fire" is literally consuming me. I am so ready to run my own show! I am ready to ditch Corporate America. I am ready to get my business degree and start classes again online. All these things require the computer to be working!

Bruzer has a birthday party to go to today. His first! It's a big deal, but I don't know what I am going to do with the other three during that time. The likelihood of me dropping him off there is very slim, but I told him he was going. I told the little boy's mom he was going. We will work it out.

Haven't talked to Dante much this week. Things were so weird from last weekend, I knew I just had to give him space to work through what he needed to work through. But I wanted him to know that I cared as well. Kind of a delicate balance to let him know I was here, but not to push too hard at the same time. I hope I get to see him soon again though. I would have usually had my fix by now! Sometimes I just want to be close to him, it's not always a sexual thing. But just feeling his arms around me or the feel of his body next to mine, that electricity and the chemistry between us.....It really is indescribable.

Enough for now, I am rambling. Lord knows I have way more in my head, but everything is not to be shared in cyberspace, you know?

Saturday 8-Noon

That's when the repair tech is coming to repair my phone and DSL connection.
This has been very, very hard. But I have been managing. I miss downloading Joyce Meyer to my Walkman and watching at work.

Patience is hard as hell!!

Frustration is.....

...typing a whole blog on your beloved Treo only to get a phone call in the midst of it and LOSE IT ALL!!!!!

Connection Failed!!!

So this is day 3 without home internet! This is being sent from my beloved Treo. What happened to the phone/DSL you ask? I wish I knew! Literally one minute I was surfing contently and then it just started dying. The phone went with it...until it was all dead.
I know what you're thinking. "She probably didn't pay her bill." Well I gotcha on that one! It is automatically withdrawn so it's NEVER disconnected!! So there!
I went out to the NID (phone box in laymen's terms) and checked for dial tone yesterday. It's there on both lines. A repair person even called me today (from my home phone while I was at work....creepy a little) to tell me it must be inside. So I need to call and make an appointment for a tech to come out. I am going to check the jack again on my end one more time...then call in the morning if no luck.

I know last post there were some issues with Dante and not showing up. I may explain more later but, he is completely absolved....FOR SUNDAY. Friday I am still not thrilled about but, not much to do about it now. It's done. It won't be a habit. I don't expect it to happen again. Time to move forward. No time for holding grudges over little things, you know???

Today Is a Jon B. Day

That means it’s REAL BAD.

 

Yeah, he never showed up. AGAIN.

 

Nope, he didn’t call or text to let me know he wouldn’t make it. AGAIN.

 

I actually found myself misty-eyed (okay, okay…a tear or two actually fell) last night. True Disappointment.

 

I don’t like feeling disappointed. I have felt it waaaay too much. I didn’t expect this from him.

 

What’s most frustrating to me is the stress I go through just to get down there to Memphis to see him. When I go there, it’s all about him. No side trips, no other visitations to do. I understand, and have always understood, that this is home for him. I cannot have that kind of monopoly on his time. I wouldn’t expect it, nor would I want it because family comes first. But dayum, can a sista get SOME time?!

Selfishness Is...

...sometimes not liking when your sweetie comes home to visit, cause you get pushed way to the back burner due to family obligations.

It's 1030PM...and I am still waiting to see him.

(Sigh)

This has been a frustrating visit for me.



*you saw the post title didn't you?*

No Call...No Show

That's what Mr. Dante did to me Friday night! We were texting each other. I knew where he was. He told me he was on his way. Then that was it...until 3 o'clock the next afternoon!! First problem with that is I have an extremely LOW tolerance for no call, no shows (thanks Can't Get Right). Second problem is that was completely unlike him to do that. This led to the third problem. Since this is not like the person I have come to know and count on to keep his word, I began to get worried. I do not like to worry.

Something happened with his cousin getting arrested for being an ass, and he got stuck in the middle, blah, blah, blah. I really did hear the whole story, I swear. BUT, sometime before 3pm the next afternoon should I have heard from him ya think!? Yeah, me too! He apologized profusely on the phone, and when I saw him later in person. He even shoveled and salted my front steps so noone would fall. Yeah, he gets a couple of points for that. PLUS, a few more for the webcam he brought me!

Since he is leaving on Monday instead of Sunday as usual, he is supposed to spend the night here tonight. He wanted me to play hooky from work on Monday, but I told him I couldn't. I really, really want to. But, not with the type of job I have! I am just off my written warning, and missing a day would cost me that again. I know he understands that completely. These are the times I wish I worked at a grownup job! We'll see what my raise brings later this month...but that's another story.

Hopefully this was a momentary slip. I cannot allow it to become a habit. As I said my tolerance for waiting around for someone who never shows is basically zero. As it should be anyway. It's very inconsiderate to just leave someone hanging like that. I know better from him therefore I expect better from him. I know he won't let me down.

The Party

Now before you get all excited, we are a simple lot with modest finances. There will be no ponies, or moon bouncers, or clowns, or juggling acts at our children's birthday parties. As a matter of fact, there will usually just be family. That's eight built-in kids right there! Every now and again, one of us will have a birthday someplace else. But for the most part, home is better...much better. The kids are never disappointed because they get to play and be around family. Life is good.

We started out the day by doing some running around. Had to go to Sam's and pick out a cake (Bruzer ended up picking out "Cars" cupcakes instead), had to grab some household stuff and groceries at Super-Walmart. Needed to return a 4MB SD card to OfficeMax (my new camera maxes out at a 2GB card). Returned litter box liners to PetCo, and bought a device that should help with shedding. Grabbed some things from the dollar store (namely AJAX powder so hopefully this rock tumbler will go away (day 13 and counting...yes, nonstop))!

Dante stopped by...we will discuss him later. He gave Bruzer 4 $1 bills to match his age. He did the same for Champagne since he was in town the day of her birthday party too! The officer came with her bunch and my mom. Then Leigh came a little later, and my brother-in-law came as well. We watched the last two Matrix movies, ate hot dogs and chips, and just enjoyed each other's company. My oldest neice wasn't there however, she was at home on the couch sleep. She had fallen asleep in the van while we out running around earlier that day too. Like the Officer said, no wonder she can't sleep at night, she sleeps all day instead!!! They even did a sleep study a couple of weeks ago. Here's a thought, make her stay up a few days in a row when she gets home from school. THEN see if she sleeps through the night!

Bruzer got some cool outfits, and especially a pair of Spiderman Pajamas! He also got a Spiderman ball cap and a motorized Spiderman on a motorcycle. I know, I know, Spiderman doesn't do bikes. However, for the kid who loves Spidey and motorcycles? Nirvana!!! He also got a remote control car who, according to the package doubles as a superhero. Interesting, huh?

He enjoyed his party and the pictures and everything. They all slept very well last night!

Happy Birthday Bruzer

At about 630a four years ago, I was pushing out a tiny little 6 pound early baby boy! He wanted to be very early and come at about 35weeks, but the doctors said "No, No, No" and we made him stay in for another week. Where was I? In the hospital on bedrest, of course! Both my boys made me hang in the hospital maternity ward for a week!

The one doctor wanted me to stay in the bed completely, but luckily the other doctor let me get up on a limited basis to shower and do other bathroom things. Whew! But I was constantly hooked up to the fetal monitor, so I definitely didn't have free reign! We had to coordinate my shower time with housekeeping, so they could change my linens while I was in the shower. Why the big deal? My water broke way too early! Once that sac is ruptured, infection can enter into the womb. That's what happened with DJ, which is why they had to induce me at only 30weeks along. With Bruzer, my sac kind of "re-sealed" itself, but they had to give me steroids to make sure his lungs were ready for the world. (yes! that was a 90s music reference, glad you noticed!)

One morning at about 420a, I woke up and called the nurse. I told her something was "not right". The entire time I was in there, they did not do a manual check to find out if I was dilated. This was primarily to keep the risk of infection to a minimum. I convinced this nurse that it was urgent enough that they really needed to check me. Guess who was fully dilated and effaced?!

For those of you that don't know, that means solo-mommy was ready to deliver....STAT!! In case I haven't told you, labor is not necessarily labor for me. There is very little pain in the whole dilation process (which is where most women begin pleading for their epidurals). The only discomfort is the actual delivery (ie, pushing big out of little) of the baby. Notice I said discomfort, not pain. That's all it ever was to me, thanks to the blessings of God.

Anyway, she began calling everybody at that point, because they knew the show was gonna happen quickly. They had to rush too, since they had moved me from the LDR bed (where the bottom half comes off) to a regular bed for more comfort during my stay. They now had to move me back...and fast! Everyone got there, I called my people, and not too much later Bruzer was born. Because of his early (ie preemie) status, he had his own little team of doctors attending to him. But he was fine...more than fine, he was PERFECT!

Now here we are, four years later. So much has changed in my life. So much has changed in theirs. But we are better and much stronger for it. The little 6 pound bundle of joy that was so small my friend didn't even see him laying next to me on the hospital bed? He is now a completely solid 44-45 pounder who can be sweet as sugar one minute and mean as a snake the next! I am blessed every day to know him and love him and call him my SON.

Happy Birthday Bruzer! Mommy loves you!

An Average Week

Nothing really grand or blog worthy has happened this week. Ever had those times?

I have just been mosying along, in my own little word as usual. Going to work and coming home.

Work has been work. I just really try not to let it upset me anymore. It's gonna be what it's gonna be. When I get tired enough of it, I'll leave for something better.

Winter still totally BLOWS! We got more ice the other day, then it snowed all day on top of that. Awesomely enough, the majority of the snow was gone the next day because the sun was shining and it was in the mid-forties.

I am still on the sick end of things, that's for sure. I feel fine, except for the cough and phlegm that's still hanging on. It's not too bad though, it sounds worse than it is.

The girls are adjusting just fine. I think they have their days and nights mixed up though! We can get home in the evening, and you probably won't see either of the girls until about 9p! The kids are pretty much headed to bed by then, and I am winding down too! Then they nutty things like wanna be running through the house playing half the night. DJ has turned into this light sleeper as of late, so Isis actually woke him up one morning at 4am! Of course it was a school day, and oddly enough he couldn't fall back asleep. So now, we make sure the girls are downstairs and we close the door to the upstairs. It works!

Bruzer will be the big 0-4 tomorrow! I am excited. It's not like we have anything grand planned, but my baby is 4 years old! That is both exciting and a blessing all at the same time!!! I am SO grateful to God for my children. I realize they are on loan, and He has reserved the right to call them home at any time. But I sincerely believe and pray that they will be around long into adulthood to enrich this world somehow...even it's just with love!

My sweetie is coming to town tomorrow, which excites me as well. I always love to see him. Just to be close to him is an absolute treat. It's hard to describe, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!

Out of Remission

I was feeling much better on Friday, then pretty good on Saturday. Today, the bottom fell out again. It was sooo nice outside too, about 74 degrees!! The kids actually went outside to play while I was on the couch. I was just feeling bad, though a different bad than the other day.
I sound like a frog with COPD.
Can't really physically laugh is how bad it is, let alone sing.
Nose is doing double-duty. Part-time stopped up and part-time running!
Then to top it all off, it's trying to settle in my chest!
Can we say Pneumonia, no thank you?!

I have been taking Father John's every 4-5 hours to the point that I think we really are relatives now. I have also been popping 2 Tylenol Extra Strengths to go along with the cough medicine. My cough is horrendous, I can't imagine what I sound like on the phone. My punkin hates to even talk to me when I am sick! I could take it personal, but I know how he feels about being sick. He definitely doesn't like being sick, and I am pretty sure he doesn't like it when I am sick either.

Bruzer is coming down with the cold part of this too, poor thing. He didn't even have much of an appetite for dinner. His nose was running about as much as mine, so I understand how he feels. He eats so good majority of the time, I know when he's not feeling well. I am saying my prayer for a good daycare week (ie, no calls about fever) now........

In Jesus Name, Amen!

Credit Cards, Schmedit Cards

It's amazing when I read the news about people with 4 and 5 figure credit card debts. I don't even have a credit card, haven't had one since I was in my early twenties, and can't get one to save my life! Well, I can, but I refuse to get one with a $250 limit and let them charge me $200 in fees right off the bat! But that's not my problem. I have a problem with another piece of plastic: my check card!

That damn thing gets me in the dog house every time! Something that may have cost $6, now costs $41 because my account bounced and I got hit with a $35 fee! That had to be the best Dairy Queen ever made!!! So as convenient as it is, I am going to have to retire that thing! It has cost me way too much money in the past couple of years, basically as if I was paying those ridiculously high credit card interest rates. Until I can manage better, I am going to have to go to a primarily cash system. I just can't take this anymore. If I am ever going to get ahead - and I will - I have to control how much money I pay out. I make enough to sustain my modest lifestyle, but all the extra fees and late fees and crap is what kicks my ass every time!

The Girls are Here!

They arrived safe and sound here at their new home. But of course we made a few stops first. They had to meet the family! We first stopped at Grandmother's, which they really need that break because they were meowing the entire ride from St. Charles. I left them in their carrier and tried to offer water, but they both turned it down. We stayed there a little while with Grandmother, then headed to the Officer's house. That's where Mom was.

My niece ran out so that she could see them. She knows her mother is nothing of a pet person beyond fish, so she definitely needs to live through other people! It had been a while since they had eaten, so I didn't want to take them in house and stay too long. Mom came outside and welcomed her new "granddaughters" to the family. They just stared, which beat the incessant meowing they were doing before.

We got them home and put food and bottled water in their bowls. Yes, bottled....I hear it's so much better for them sincec they are prone to such urinary tract issues. I opened the door to the pet carrier and after about a minute Isis came out and started sniffing around the kitchen and hallway. After about 15-20minutes I had to drag Eclipse out, just so she could eat something. After a little sniffing around the kitchen and hallway some more, they settled on the oddest place to huddle: the bathroom behind the toilet!

I was cooking dinner and watching the movie 'No Reservations' (very cute by the way). So after we ate and that went off, I couldn't take it anymore and took them out of the bathroom and closed the door! I hadn't even cleaned behind the toilet yet and I do have a 3 year old whose aim is still a little off sometimes! They found spots in the hallway to perch/hide. I told them goodnight later, then headed to bed.

I am still sick with coughing phlegm and runny/stopped up nose, so I was up and down all night. I usually sleep with my door closed, but I left it crack because I knew they'd be roaming eventually. I felt someone walk across the bed once of twice. I even looked at the door and saw Isis once, but as soon as I spoke to her she left. So, when I got up this morning I was determined to find them, because I wasn't able to do so last night. I know they didn't go upstairs because I looked last night. I knew they could only be somewhere in my room, since the door to the living room was closed and I had looked everywhere else downstairs. I got the flashlight and looked under my bed. Lo and behold! There they were at the very end!

It's an adjustment period for them, so it will take a while for them to get used to us and the house. But I think they will be happy here as well, knowing they don't always have to watch out for Merlin (the dog). Merlin wasn't mean to them or anything, they just didn't like him! I am glad this happened for them and for us.

Guess Who's Been Sick....Again!!!???

Yep me! I am finally feeling better. Not nearly 100%, but better. I started getting this wicked cough on Wednesday. By Thursday morning, I was hurting. My. Whole. Body. Hurt to the touch! I was walking like I was 90 with a broken hip! But, because I had just gotten off my written warning at work again (was back on when I missed 2 days for the love note from daycare), I stuck it out.

When I got to daycare to pick up the WonderTwins, Bruzer asked me was I sick. I told him I wasn't feeling good and I needed them to be good listeners when we got home so Mommy could lay down. So, when DJ and Starr got in the car, he was the first to say to them that Mommy was sick so we had to be good listeners at home! When we got there, I put out four bowls and four spoons on the table (I always set their places) and 3 different types of cereal. I called them down and told them to go for it! Then I went and passed out!

They are so awesome, cause they still took showers like they were supposed to. DJ even made sure he got Bruzer's clothes ready and ironed for the next day! No arguments or fighting, it was great! I will have to reward them sometime this weekend for such great behavior when I really needed them!

I am going to soak in a tub of Epsom Salted water now. But not before I take my Father John's and Tylenol Extra Strength (generic of course) tablets first!

My girls are coming home today!!! I am so excited!!!