He Really Does Care!

Okay, so I know I have been complaining about Dante not being as emotional with me as I would like. I mean the "Big Three Words" are rarely exchanged, sometimes to the point of making me wonder if he really does. I even asked the other day for clarification.
Then he turns around and comes into town and surprises me!
Then he tells me he's already on the road headed back to Memphis, and then shows up at my door once again on Sunday after my choir day!
I think I may keep him after all! LOL

Church was AWESOME!! I tell you what, I never thought it could be like this!! Being on that choir stand, singing and praising and worshipping with other like-minded people...more powerful than I could have ever imagined! Being in the choir at my old church was NOTHING like this! The presence of God is there! He gave me this gift, and I get to give it back to him and to others all for his glory!!! I truly believe I would like to move toward being a frontline member in the next year or so!

I would definitely have to say this was a great weekend!

Surprise, Surprise!

Well, Dante did it again! He told me on Friday that he was going to a
wedding with a friend of his. He also told me not to expect to see him
until like August. I was having a meloncholy day yesterday about my
feelings. I was really frustrated because he's not as emotional as I
would like. I mean, 'I love you' doesn't flow very freely in this
relationship. AT ALL.
I talked to him that morning and he said he was heading to the office
for a bit. I worked 2 hours and we were having a text conversation
about love. Then we talked on the phone and he told me that he just
has never neen the type to really talk about emotions. Bummer.
He sent me a message to see if I wanted to join him in a webchat...a
private chat, if you will. So I'm trying to set my webcam up on the
laptop in the bedroom and I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My
first thought was wondering why Bruzer had his shoes on. It wasn't my
child.
It was Dante!!!!
He surprised me and drove into town! Let me just say I didn't know how
much I missed him until I felt him close to me. I can say he felt the
same way!!

He came back later in the evening to tell me they were hitting a
little club near me. I convinced him to stay with me just a bit
longer! (wink)

Today is my long church day and I don't expect to see him today before
he leaves. That's why I had to make the most of yesterday!!

Test

Just checking

Sent from my iPhone

School's Out!

Finals are over! Yay!! I did great on one (Spanish) and I am just praying for a 'C' on the other! I spent the day at Scott AFB taking the proctored (read: supervised) exams at their Park extension campus. Yes, many airmen. Yes, many men in their uniforms. Yes, there is something about a man in uniform. No, none of them looked as good to me as Dante does in his! I guess I really am sprung on this guy huh?

I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!

I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!

I'll let you know my grades when I know!

In a Good Place

I'm still in the same duplex, and I am fine with it. I looked and looked, I mean literally driving street to street. Nothing was fruitful. I was so stressed, it was all consuming. I talked to my neighbor one night coming home. She asked me did I have any luck yet finding a place. We basically shared each other's sentiment that there's nothing out there in a 3 bedroom in our budget and remotely close to our part of town. I know some may not understand it, but it's not easy to move when you have children and uproot them from their school. I thought I was stressed, she said she was having anxiety attacks about it. I knew at that point that I had to let it go and pray that whoever buys this place wants to fix it up a bit with the tenants still living here. That's my prayer and that's what I'm believing for.

School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.

I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.

The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.

Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!

Recovering

It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)

Psychotic? Maybe a little.

Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.

Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.

I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.

Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?

Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....

It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!

I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.

So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.

What About Me? What About Us?

I have a lot to talk about. Mainly the awesome time we had in Indiana at HolidayWorld the past couple of days! I will definitely be going back next year! But that post is for another time.

The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?

At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.

What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):

"What about me?"

Blessings From Above!!

So I was checking my email from Park and got an interesting email about an ACH refund being processed. So I went to check my bank account and lo and behold! There was a good size deposit in there!!! I wasn't even aware I was getting a Pell grant, but that's what it was! What a blessing!!!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!

Today was the good news I needed!

Anxiety

Please bear with me today. I have a mountain of anxiety building up and I feel like this volcano is about to blow its top off soon.

Why so much anxiety? Well, I am supposed to be going on a trip with the kids and my sisters to Holiday World in a few days. As of today, I have the money. However, that money also needs to cover getting my car repaired (otherwise it's not 4-hr highway driveworthy), plus hotel, plus admission, PLUS gas, PLUS food. That would also leave me mostly broke for the rest of the week. But the thought of letting the kids down like that is just too much. There's also the fact that this is the first of the month, and I really need to start holding this money aside for either rent to my new bank landlord, or as a deposit for a new place. Speaking of new places, there's another piece of anxiety. I want to move into a house, and I want it to be here in the same school district, because I don't want my kids to have to change schools again. There is the anxiety of having to apply again for a home, knowing I will face the obstacle of non-traditional income. But I promise you this, I will make a way when that time comes...whether I am completely truthful or not. I have nowhere else to go.

There's the anxiety that my unemployemtn will run out sooner than later, and I must be able to replace that income. I do plan to remain a full time student, and I know I can live off that money but just barely. I do not plan to get rid of Sears so that could very well be an additional $700 or so a month, yet still not nearly enough. I know it's time to crap or get off the toilet. It's press time, it's time to relentlessly pursue clients and income. It doesn't help that everytime I have a serious conversation with the man I've been with for the past year and a half plus (and that I assume will lead to a longer-term commitment), I am reminded of my financial inadequacy. No, no, he doesn't say it directly. Well, except that one time he was mad. But, it's the constant reminder of him not wanting to "go backwards"...because his ex-wife didn't work for a large part of their marriage. What's annoying is that when we talked about how he felt about a housewife a few times previously, he said he had not problem with it. But it seems as things get more serious between us, he didn't really mean what he said. Now to get this straight, I am not expecting a white knight to come and rescue me and my children and completely take care of us (though I may not complain if it happens:) ). But the way I feel is this, there is no reason for a woman with no children to not be going to work everyday unless she is physically or mentally unable to. That statement may be a blow to women's lib or WHATEVER, but that's how I feel. Especially since now, I have to bear the ill-feelings of it.

Then there's the anxiety of him coming home, and what that will do to our relationship. Certain things I allowed because of the distance will no longer be okay with me. I'm not a casual dater, so I am hoping he realizes that there is a "goal" in mind for this relationship. Will we survive that? Some don't, that's just reality. I worry that he'll be so deadset against what he doesn't want based on his relationship with the ex that our relationship will become collateral damage.

Soon I will have some good news. I promise.