I got these by email, and was tickled pink. (and if you see my picture on this page, that's ALOT of tickling!)
Questions That Haunt Me
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered> assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
Showing posts with label internet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label internet. Show all posts
January 18, 2008
Some Clean Humor
I get these jokes daily from Crosswalk.com. This came today, and I thought it was cute enough to post:
R Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
Here's another:
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
This one was very cute:
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it." The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
And lastly, for the travel agent in me:
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
R Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
Here's another:
Chute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."
This one was very cute:
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it." The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
And lastly, for the travel agent in me:
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
November 15, 2007
The Week in Review
WOW! What a week!
Work was work. Got an HR email about a midnight homeworker position...that I don't qualify for since I am still on written for attendance! Oh well...not for me at this time is the way I look at it. But, I believe there will be another position coming soon, if I am to stay at that job. It's funny listening to some of the people in there talking about how they couldn't work at home because they need the socialization. Mind youm these people either have no children or their children are grown with lives of their own. There are so many things I would love to do, if I could work overnight while my children are sleeping. I could work HSN during the afternoons when I wake up, and then in the evenings...or on my off days from CWT. I could do data entry on my laptop while working CWT, and when it was slow. AND, I would be able to pick my kids up from school. AND, I would be able to pick my nieces up, therefore saving my sisters on latchkey costs. AND, I wouldn't have to worry about missing work of one the WonderTwins had a fever and couldn't go to work the next day. AND, I could take them to any functions they needed to go to in the time between school dismissal and when I would usually pick them up.
Needlesstosay, I am really hopeful about this one. I let my manager know that I was VERY interested in a midnight homeworker position. If all continues as it is going, I should off my written attendance warning by December 15. I have a couple things from last year this time falling off by then. Once that happens, I am free to move about the company!
The most memorable thing that happened to me this week was (drumroll).......
GETTING MY EBAY ACCOUNT HACKED AND HAVING SOME ASSHOLE IN INDONESIA BUY OVER $2000 IN CELL PHONES...THEN PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM THRU MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT!!!
Yeah.....good times, good times.
Please. Don't start the "that's why I don't shop online" sanctimonious bullcrap! Yeah, I've heard it a couple of times this week and it is quite annoying. Especially when I know that my bff wasn't shopping online but paying at a major hotel chain when her credit card info was stolen and used to buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries in Mexico!! Criminals will find a way to make things happen, whether it is online or offline!
Paypal rectified the situation very quickly, as did ebay. I contacted the sellers of all these $400-$600 cell phones and explained the situation. Most responded by filing a dispute, which gets their listing fees waived so they can relist at no additional cost. I had one seller that was being a moron saying they had already received payment. So I replied that no payment was coming or will come from my paypal account and that I am sure there will be a dispute from whoever's paypal account he hacked into, but that it was up to them if they wanted to take the chance and send the item. I notified my bank immediately, and now I just have to have them waive a NSF fee, then life is good.
What's ironic is that I haven't really been shopping on ebay because of my finances. I have had that account for about 5 years and nothing like that has ever happened. But because I let my guard down, and wasn't active or watching over it, I get burned. So, lesson learned, and I am back on top of it.
I have been talking to Dante this week. We text alot, which is uber-convenient. Some say it's impersonal and whatever, but when I am working I can't very well talk on the phone. But, I can text!!! I felt better about it, all the melancholy feelings that I had last weekend after he left. I can't wait til he gets here this weekend for his birthday. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for him! I want to make his birthday as memorable as he made mine!
He is still so sweet and thankful about what happened on Saturday. I really didn't think it was a big deal, but it really meant a lot to him that I stayed. Seriously, I just couldn't see it any other way.
I will let you know how the weekend goes.
Work was work. Got an HR email about a midnight homeworker position...that I don't qualify for since I am still on written for attendance! Oh well...not for me at this time is the way I look at it. But, I believe there will be another position coming soon, if I am to stay at that job. It's funny listening to some of the people in there talking about how they couldn't work at home because they need the socialization. Mind youm these people either have no children or their children are grown with lives of their own. There are so many things I would love to do, if I could work overnight while my children are sleeping. I could work HSN during the afternoons when I wake up, and then in the evenings...or on my off days from CWT. I could do data entry on my laptop while working CWT, and when it was slow. AND, I would be able to pick my kids up from school. AND, I would be able to pick my nieces up, therefore saving my sisters on latchkey costs. AND, I wouldn't have to worry about missing work of one the WonderTwins had a fever and couldn't go to work the next day. AND, I could take them to any functions they needed to go to in the time between school dismissal and when I would usually pick them up.
Needlesstosay, I am really hopeful about this one. I let my manager know that I was VERY interested in a midnight homeworker position. If all continues as it is going, I should off my written attendance warning by December 15. I have a couple things from last year this time falling off by then. Once that happens, I am free to move about the company!
The most memorable thing that happened to me this week was (drumroll).......
GETTING MY EBAY ACCOUNT HACKED AND HAVING SOME ASSHOLE IN INDONESIA BUY OVER $2000 IN CELL PHONES...THEN PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM THRU MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT!!!
Yeah.....good times, good times.
Please. Don't start the "that's why I don't shop online" sanctimonious bullcrap! Yeah, I've heard it a couple of times this week and it is quite annoying. Especially when I know that my bff wasn't shopping online but paying at a major hotel chain when her credit card info was stolen and used to buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries in Mexico!! Criminals will find a way to make things happen, whether it is online or offline!
Paypal rectified the situation very quickly, as did ebay. I contacted the sellers of all these $400-$600 cell phones and explained the situation. Most responded by filing a dispute, which gets their listing fees waived so they can relist at no additional cost. I had one seller that was being a moron saying they had already received payment. So I replied that no payment was coming or will come from my paypal account and that I am sure there will be a dispute from whoever's paypal account he hacked into, but that it was up to them if they wanted to take the chance and send the item. I notified my bank immediately, and now I just have to have them waive a NSF fee, then life is good.
What's ironic is that I haven't really been shopping on ebay because of my finances. I have had that account for about 5 years and nothing like that has ever happened. But because I let my guard down, and wasn't active or watching over it, I get burned. So, lesson learned, and I am back on top of it.
I have been talking to Dante this week. We text alot, which is uber-convenient. Some say it's impersonal and whatever, but when I am working I can't very well talk on the phone. But, I can text!!! I felt better about it, all the melancholy feelings that I had last weekend after he left. I can't wait til he gets here this weekend for his birthday. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for him! I want to make his birthday as memorable as he made mine!
He is still so sweet and thankful about what happened on Saturday. I really didn't think it was a big deal, but it really meant a lot to him that I stayed. Seriously, I just couldn't see it any other way.
I will let you know how the weekend goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)