Yes!! It is 2010!! I made it and I made it smiling! For a while there I didn't think I would. Yes, sure I would have loved to been one of the people who kissed in the new year with that special someone. But hey, that is not for me right now, and I am so okay with that. That doesn't mean that I have to act like a nun and vow solitude, cause I am not! As a matter of fact, I am definitely taking advantage of eharmony's "Free Communication Weekend" until Sunday! Yes, I have been communicating with a few people too! Leave no stone unturned! ;-)
I am absolutely chomping at the bit to get started on all the things I am going to do this year! I know, I know. We all do this at the beginning of the year, and by February it's back to the same old same old. I am certainly guilty! And guess what? That's just it!! To paraphrase a popular saying: I've kept doing the same things, so I keep getting the same thing...nothing! Or, to be more specific: stress, worry, unrest, illness, heartache, financial straits. So, you know, I don't wanna get that anymore, which means it's time to apply the wisdom that these past lessons have taught me! Even more important than that, is I have to finally stand and believe and act on the promises God has given me!!! Once I truly accept that He wants me to have these things - these desires of my heart (that He put there) - then I will follow the necessary path to get them.
I really am one of those that wants wealth and prosperity to be a blessing to others. Not just so I can go out and buy all designer clothes for me and the kids and then buy them anything and everything they want. Yes, I would like to get more for them than I do. I mean hey, you know that when it comes to needs I hit the second-hand stores before I try to even bargain-shop at the "new" stores! So that would be something I wouldn't mind changing, more new instead of second-hand clothing for the children. But, the bigger picture is I would like to be more of a giver to charitable causes. I would LOVE to be a faithful and generous contributor to St. Jude Hospital! I just love what they do, what they stand for, and that NO CHILD IS TURNED AWAY (even if they don't have ability to pay). I feel a big tug on my heartstrings in that area, because I feel so blessed with the healthy children that I have. I would love to also be a more generous tither and giver at my church and in my community. I would love to have the funds to sponsor a youth league sports team annually too. SO many things, so little money.
But I am believing God that this too shall pass. I have been working on my foundation for a few years now. Watering my bamboo seed faithfully everyday. I believe God's Word that it is about time for that tree to shoot out of the ground and grow to 60 feet this year!! And my prayer is the same for any who read these words! Amen!!
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December 31, 2009
December 29, 2009
December 27, 2009
Something that gives me great comfort:
One of the differences between Dante and me is that I would never bail on/sell out my friends for a piece of ass. Guess that's another part of the "fiercely loyal" part of my zodiac sign I take seriously (that he apparently does not). It's all good though! Can't worry about his path anymore, I've got my own. And we all know they are obviously NOT going in the same direction.
One of the differences between Dante and me is that I would never bail on/sell out my friends for a piece of ass. Guess that's another part of the "fiercely loyal" part of my zodiac sign I take seriously (that he apparently does not). It's all good though! Can't worry about his path anymore, I've got my own. And we all know they are obviously NOT going in the same direction.
December 26, 2009
I CANNOT Start the New Year Out Like This...
With the choices I have in men at this moment, I would definitely be better off by my damn self! Perhaps I should go ahead and pay the fees and see what some of these matches on eharmony or match.com may have for me! Surely it has to be better than what I have now!!
Wayne had one simple task, see his daughter on Christmas so she could give him his present. Well, it's the day after Christmas and I haven't talked to him since the eve of Christmas Eve! Won't respond to a phone call or even the generic Merry Christmas text I sent. When do I expect to hear from him? Probably Monday when he is back on the mail route, with some dramatic ass excuse as to why he's been MIA the last few days. Been in the hospital, was sick, got majorly depressed...the usual suspects no doubt.
Dante has his little woman in town for Christmas, so he had to sneak over to see me on Christmas Eve. Yes, you heard me right. SNEAK! To see ME! 'Cause SHE is in town! W-T-F??? He's so busy trying to make nice with her for whatever reason unbeknownst to me that she doesn't even know he and I are still friends. I'm sure he feels it's better that way, because if she's smart (or just not totally stupid) she would be suspicious that perhaps we are more than friends (which we currently are). So instead, he's left his "friend" ( a term I am using with the utmost sarcasm) high and dry while this chick is in town. I sent him a generic Merry Christmas text also. Do you think he responded? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to believe he didn't have his phone with him all day?? Yeah right! More like she saw the text from me and he had to play like he had no idea why I would send it, and definitely WOULD NOT text me back (especially with her watching/snooping)! What upsets me most is that supposedly we both wanted to preserve our friendship even if the relationship faltered. I am apparently the only FOOL that's still honoring that request! Because if you can't even respect me as a friend enough to stand up to your long-distance girlfriend for, then we have N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! We are supposed to be friends, yet he's got me feeling so like the "other woman" right now, that when I was the other woman in past relationships, I didn't even feel this way!! I wasn't banned or blocked from texting or calling...and these were people that were actually MARRIED!!! When do I expect to hear from him? When he is on the road driving to Memphis tomorrow, since he'll be in the car by himself (assumably).
It's time for me to do some serious revisions in my life, because I'm tired of giving 100% to people and getting 30% back. I am worth more, and you can best believe I deserve more. But if I don't demand it and accept nothing less, then I'll never get it. Perhaps this is that pruning season that everyone is always talking about. I have to be willing to walk away from people I care about, which is hard. But I care about ME more than I care about them in my life. And right now, I am the only one suffering.
I'm so sick of being let down by men who claim they love me!!
Wayne had one simple task, see his daughter on Christmas so she could give him his present. Well, it's the day after Christmas and I haven't talked to him since the eve of Christmas Eve! Won't respond to a phone call or even the generic Merry Christmas text I sent. When do I expect to hear from him? Probably Monday when he is back on the mail route, with some dramatic ass excuse as to why he's been MIA the last few days. Been in the hospital, was sick, got majorly depressed...the usual suspects no doubt.
Dante has his little woman in town for Christmas, so he had to sneak over to see me on Christmas Eve. Yes, you heard me right. SNEAK! To see ME! 'Cause SHE is in town! W-T-F??? He's so busy trying to make nice with her for whatever reason unbeknownst to me that she doesn't even know he and I are still friends. I'm sure he feels it's better that way, because if she's smart (or just not totally stupid) she would be suspicious that perhaps we are more than friends (which we currently are). So instead, he's left his "friend" ( a term I am using with the utmost sarcasm) high and dry while this chick is in town. I sent him a generic Merry Christmas text also. Do you think he responded? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to believe he didn't have his phone with him all day?? Yeah right! More like she saw the text from me and he had to play like he had no idea why I would send it, and definitely WOULD NOT text me back (especially with her watching/snooping)! What upsets me most is that supposedly we both wanted to preserve our friendship even if the relationship faltered. I am apparently the only FOOL that's still honoring that request! Because if you can't even respect me as a friend enough to stand up to your long-distance girlfriend for, then we have N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! We are supposed to be friends, yet he's got me feeling so like the "other woman" right now, that when I was the other woman in past relationships, I didn't even feel this way!! I wasn't banned or blocked from texting or calling...and these were people that were actually MARRIED!!! When do I expect to hear from him? When he is on the road driving to Memphis tomorrow, since he'll be in the car by himself (assumably).
It's time for me to do some serious revisions in my life, because I'm tired of giving 100% to people and getting 30% back. I am worth more, and you can best believe I deserve more. But if I don't demand it and accept nothing less, then I'll never get it. Perhaps this is that pruning season that everyone is always talking about. I have to be willing to walk away from people I care about, which is hard. But I care about ME more than I care about them in my life. And right now, I am the only one suffering.
I'm so sick of being let down by men who claim they love me!!
December 23, 2009
The Eve of Christmas Eve
That it is. I have basically finished what little shopping I am doing this year. I already told the Delightful Children it would be a lean Christmas this year. But I had a great day with my big sis, Leigh today. Dante and I are currently in the Friends with Benefits category currently, mainly because I'm greedy. Sure, he thinks it's him but this is all about me and what I want. We have been having good conversation, mainly as friends because that's all we are. He has a girlfriend, and it's not me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
December 11, 2009
Where are the men who truly APPRECIATE REAL LOVE from a GOOD WOMAN?!? I am still waiting for that! Men want to be treated like kings and for you to show them that you're committed to them with actions, WITHOUT doing the same for you?!? WTH??? I distinctly remember love being a TWO-way street! So that means if you want to be treated like a king, you must trust your woman like a QUEEN!
What's kinda sad is that Dante got a little upset the other day when I told I was not going to be his Punkin ever again. Umm, really? You choose another (LESSER) woman over me ( who you CLAIM to love like no other), have told her she's welcome to come for Christmas and New Year's ( can we say famiy time), and you still want ME to be your emotional/sexual fix (read as:chick on the side or having your cake and eating it too) like everything is OK?!?!? Its NOT ok!!! I'm better than that, you KNOW I'm better than that, AND I deserve better than that!
November 29, 2009
Why Is It That...
Women have to be a bitch in order to get respect from a man? I have been everything for and to this man (and countless others previously), and everytime I get fucked over?? EVERY TIME. I mean silly me for thinking that people (read:men) really do believe in the Golden Rule. Apparently I'm the only one that does.
I've been forgiving of the indiscretions, the insultingly lied-about hickeys, been a shoulder to lean on (emotionally as well as financially), and blah blah blah. And what has this gotten me? Shit on every time he can!
If it's a bitch they want...
(in my best Jack Nicholson as Joker voice)
WAIT TIL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME!
I've been forgiving of the indiscretions, the insultingly lied-about hickeys, been a shoulder to lean on (emotionally as well as financially), and blah blah blah. And what has this gotten me? Shit on every time he can!
If it's a bitch they want...
(in my best Jack Nicholson as Joker voice)
WAIT TIL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME!
November 28, 2009
As Bad As I Want To...
I'm not gonna cry again. It hurts like HELL to not be enough. It makes
me angry that I seem to only find men with monster issues that end up
causing me heartbreak. Attention men: if you are mentally screwed up
right now, do everyone a favor-DO NOT DATE!!!! Stop dragging women
into your shit!! You are not the only person in the world that has
been hurt you know! Most likely the woman (or women) that you are
playing around on now have gotten their heart stomped on a few times
too!! Did you ever think about that??
me angry that I seem to only find men with monster issues that end up
causing me heartbreak. Attention men: if you are mentally screwed up
right now, do everyone a favor-DO NOT DATE!!!! Stop dragging women
into your shit!! You are not the only person in the world that has
been hurt you know! Most likely the woman (or women) that you are
playing around on now have gotten their heart stomped on a few times
too!! Did you ever think about that??
Wanna hear something FUCKED UP???
After two years of a long distance relationship and him finally coming
home, he's deciding to be in a long distance relationship with Gwen,
the chick in Memphis!! WTF???
I get a damn text that says something like 'she wants to trust me but
she can't so I won't text you until I get home'. Then when I talked to
him before that he mentioned he would talk to me tomorrow. TOMORROW.
AIN'T THAT A BITCH?!?!
But I guess the hurt I feel right now is my own damn fault. Everytime
I get my hopes slightly up that we may have a chance, he deftly shoots
them down by being with Gwen.
I might as well be a cutter for the kind of pain I am purposely
inflicting on myself!
These are the times that my sister's choice not to date starts looking
REAL appealing...men really are more trouble than their worth! You
think that's bitterness and hurt talking huh? I don't really have an
example to prove me wrong! I thought Dante was. I was so very wrong
obviously.
November 24, 2009
It Rained, But Today Was Still Cool
I didn't do much today. I washed my hair in the shower and let it airdry. I actually ate breakfast today. 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices of canadian bacon, and 2 pieces of toast (no butter) with suger-free apricot butter. I didn't do it specifically for weight loss or anything, I just had a taste for that!
Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:
Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:
[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)
[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did
[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong
[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)
[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh
[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)
[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did
[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong
[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you
[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)
[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh
[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right
[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so
[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...
I even read some very old blogs as I was backing it up offline, including the first time I blogged about him. It helped to remind me that we were only supposed to be a casual relationship anyway. It made feel a little better. But, still there are other relationships that started out that way and turned into more, so why can't it be that way for me?? Then today, just now while searching for that link above, I ended up reading some of the posts from this past year. Trying not to get upset again. Not at him so much as at myself for being such a wuss this whole time! I knew something was up, so many times over I knew. But I let it slide time and time again...and it just got worse.
I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.
On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...
I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.
On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...
November 23, 2009
Today Was Not Good
I guess after not hearing from him yesterday, it had just really taken it's toll on me. He sent me a good morning text and that was about it till the afternoon. He actually called me. I was shocked and happy. Until I heard how he sounded, so depressed. He talked for a while and I just listened. I am a very good listener. He told me about a dream he had of him coming back here to live and not knowing where I was. He said I wasn't living in this house and he was asking people if they knew where I was but they didn't. He classified that in the nightmare category. I was encouraged.
He shot that out of the sky quickly.
He proceeds to tell me about how Gwen doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in his bed anymore and how everytime she comes over there she finds stuff that she didn't leave. He tells me that is very upsetting to him too.
I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks. In my eyes, the bed isn't hers anyway.
I honestly think he wants to be with Gwen but doesn't really know how to make it work since he's supposed to be moving back here. Hey, Gwen has a job (ie, financially stable) and she can still have children. Like I told him today, "sounds like a no-brainer to me".
Hey, let's be for real. If he saw the true value in me and heard the words I have been saying to him this whole time, he wouldn't be "torn" about which of us to choose. He would already know wouldn't he? His thing is he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. Once again proving my point. I'm not the one for him. If he has a choice, it would be Gwen. What would have made it easier is if he would've gotten a job in Memphis, then he could use that excuse. He also said he expected both of us to just leave him after this crap came out with crazy girl. My response to that was that would have made things easy for him. He agreed.
WTF?? Are Marines going soft now? Easy???
I called him back a little later and he didn't seem that excited about hearing from me so I let him go. He called me back a bit later, still not seeming that happy to hear from me, and told me he MIGHT call back later.
Ooooh, should I hold my breath??? (lots of sarcasm)
After dying to hear from him the last few days, today left me wishing I hadn't heard from him. Though I am glad to have gotten that anger off my chest. (Yeah, I was very verbal with him about how pissed off and insulted I am at this situation. I told him that even after crazy girl, he is still leaving things how they were with me and Gwen, even though he KNOWS both of us are hurting, he just does NOTHING. I told him I was insulted that he is even torn between all that I have been for him in the last two years and someone that just popped up four damn months ago! Hell, she could still be putting on the 'trying to impress a man' front for all he knows!)
I even did something earlier today to try to take my mind off him, but it made me think about him more. So, again I ask:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????
P.S. I told him I missed him today, and he sounded damn near reluctant to say the same thing to me. O-U-C-H!!
He shot that out of the sky quickly.
He proceeds to tell me about how Gwen doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in his bed anymore and how everytime she comes over there she finds stuff that she didn't leave. He tells me that is very upsetting to him too.
I don't give a rat's ass what she thinks. In my eyes, the bed isn't hers anyway.
I honestly think he wants to be with Gwen but doesn't really know how to make it work since he's supposed to be moving back here. Hey, Gwen has a job (ie, financially stable) and she can still have children. Like I told him today, "sounds like a no-brainer to me".
Hey, let's be for real. If he saw the true value in me and heard the words I have been saying to him this whole time, he wouldn't be "torn" about which of us to choose. He would already know wouldn't he? His thing is he doesn't want to make the wrong choice. Once again proving my point. I'm not the one for him. If he has a choice, it would be Gwen. What would have made it easier is if he would've gotten a job in Memphis, then he could use that excuse. He also said he expected both of us to just leave him after this crap came out with crazy girl. My response to that was that would have made things easy for him. He agreed.
WTF?? Are Marines going soft now? Easy???
I called him back a little later and he didn't seem that excited about hearing from me so I let him go. He called me back a bit later, still not seeming that happy to hear from me, and told me he MIGHT call back later.
Ooooh, should I hold my breath??? (lots of sarcasm)
After dying to hear from him the last few days, today left me wishing I hadn't heard from him. Though I am glad to have gotten that anger off my chest. (Yeah, I was very verbal with him about how pissed off and insulted I am at this situation. I told him that even after crazy girl, he is still leaving things how they were with me and Gwen, even though he KNOWS both of us are hurting, he just does NOTHING. I told him I was insulted that he is even torn between all that I have been for him in the last two years and someone that just popped up four damn months ago! Hell, she could still be putting on the 'trying to impress a man' front for all he knows!)
I even did something earlier today to try to take my mind off him, but it made me think about him more. So, again I ask:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?????
P.S. I told him I missed him today, and he sounded damn near reluctant to say the same thing to me. O-U-C-H!!
November 22, 2009
A Better Day
Well, for starters, I completely played hooky from church today. Yes, it was a choir day too. Yes, I needed this time to myself even more. I honestly had nothing in me to give today. I was just that drained.
I did basically nothing today. Dante and I had a brief text convo early in the day and nothing since then. That's been difficult for me. But I am better. I made the decision that I am better now. I am not 'working on it' or 'trying to make it through'. I am better.
I watched Tyler Perry's movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself today online. Great movie, it was just the pick-me-up and spiritual lift that I needed. I did just about nothing else today. But I am better.
Whether we reconcile or stay apart, I know I will be fine. This has been the longest week that I've had in a LONG time!
He had to do something very difficult today, which was talk to the crazy girl. I gave him some serious advice. I told him he needed to sincerely apologize to her for what he did to her. I told him he humiliated and disrespected her and that he hurt her to the core. He needs to apologize for that truly. How she behaves after that is up to her.
Could I have just sent him back into the arms of the woman who may be carrying his child? Indeed I may have. And if it's that easy, then he was never mine to have then, was he?
P.S. I really miss him.
I did basically nothing today. Dante and I had a brief text convo early in the day and nothing since then. That's been difficult for me. But I am better. I made the decision that I am better now. I am not 'working on it' or 'trying to make it through'. I am better.
I watched Tyler Perry's movie, I Can Do Bad All By Myself today online. Great movie, it was just the pick-me-up and spiritual lift that I needed. I did just about nothing else today. But I am better.
Whether we reconcile or stay apart, I know I will be fine. This has been the longest week that I've had in a LONG time!
He had to do something very difficult today, which was talk to the crazy girl. I gave him some serious advice. I told him he needed to sincerely apologize to her for what he did to her. I told him he humiliated and disrespected her and that he hurt her to the core. He needs to apologize for that truly. How she behaves after that is up to her.
Could I have just sent him back into the arms of the woman who may be carrying his child? Indeed I may have. And if it's that easy, then he was never mine to have then, was he?
P.S. I really miss him.
November 21, 2009
Time Wasted
I'm starting to feel that way more and more. Just when I felt like my words and actions were getting through to him, he goes to the movies with Gwen last night!! WTF??!!
He has no intention to make a decision on what he really wants. Even as this entire situation that HE CREATED, this damn mess that he put us in has just blown up in his face, he still wants to keep everything as is. Gwen and I are still supposed to be okay with it and allow him time to make up his mind. The day that crazy woman called me on my damn cell phone was when he ran out of time!
I told him point blank that I believe he took 2 factors about me that are both rectifiable and magnified it to be greater than it really is. In doing that, that's how the others were allowed in. That's how Gwen has gotten this far. Well, I'm basically at the point that I don't want to wait on him to 'declare the winner'. This is not an episode of The Bachelor. She can have him, cause I am regrettably withdrawing from this "contest". I deserve someone who recognizes the uniqueness and genuineness of who I am and loves me for me...and that knows a good thing when they see it. He HAS me and still doesn't recognize, because he thinks he can do better.
Good. Fucking. Luck.
If he can't see that I am the prize, then perhaps he HAS made a decision. I'm not it and he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. Or I'm being kept around as the backup since he's supposed to be coming home anyway. I mean hell, it's like the woman that's been around for two years is the damn side piece and the 4-month chick is the main one! Talk about messed up!
I have been so understanding and caring to him throughout this whole ordeal, when I had no reason to be that way. Making sure to check on him, see how he's doing, if he's eating, let him know that someone still cares. But damnit, the way he feels is COMPLETELY HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH ASS FAULT!!! No one can save him from that. I refuse to feel more sympathy for him or any more empathy for him than he deserves. And from this point on, he really doesn't deserve it. I've given him more than enough, and he repaid me for it well last night. As the old folks would say, you made your bed now you have to lie in it. He has actually turned this around to make himself out to be the victim. And I fell for it. Love truly is blind.
Apparently, it's dumb as hell too.
P.S. I really miss him.
He has no intention to make a decision on what he really wants. Even as this entire situation that HE CREATED, this damn mess that he put us in has just blown up in his face, he still wants to keep everything as is. Gwen and I are still supposed to be okay with it and allow him time to make up his mind. The day that crazy woman called me on my damn cell phone was when he ran out of time!
I told him point blank that I believe he took 2 factors about me that are both rectifiable and magnified it to be greater than it really is. In doing that, that's how the others were allowed in. That's how Gwen has gotten this far. Well, I'm basically at the point that I don't want to wait on him to 'declare the winner'. This is not an episode of The Bachelor. She can have him, cause I am regrettably withdrawing from this "contest". I deserve someone who recognizes the uniqueness and genuineness of who I am and loves me for me...and that knows a good thing when they see it. He HAS me and still doesn't recognize, because he thinks he can do better.
Good. Fucking. Luck.
If he can't see that I am the prize, then perhaps he HAS made a decision. I'm not it and he just doesn't have the balls to tell me. Or I'm being kept around as the backup since he's supposed to be coming home anyway. I mean hell, it's like the woman that's been around for two years is the damn side piece and the 4-month chick is the main one! Talk about messed up!
I have been so understanding and caring to him throughout this whole ordeal, when I had no reason to be that way. Making sure to check on him, see how he's doing, if he's eating, let him know that someone still cares. But damnit, the way he feels is COMPLETELY HIS OWN DAMN SELFISH ASS FAULT!!! No one can save him from that. I refuse to feel more sympathy for him or any more empathy for him than he deserves. And from this point on, he really doesn't deserve it. I've given him more than enough, and he repaid me for it well last night. As the old folks would say, you made your bed now you have to lie in it. He has actually turned this around to make himself out to be the victim. And I fell for it. Love truly is blind.
Apparently, it's dumb as hell too.
P.S. I really miss him.
November 19, 2009
A Letter To Dante
This has only been edited to change one name and add a word that I forgot. Otherwise, this is how I emailed it to him after a conversation we had yesterday. There is a part that is not G-rated.
I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).
I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.
One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?
What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).
I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.
I love you and good luck.
I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).
I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.
One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?
What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).
I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.
I love you and good luck.
November 18, 2009
Congrats to my daughter!
Starr participated in the annual district spelling bee tonight, for the second year in a row. Out of the fourteen contestants, she got down to number four!! Yeah, to some 4th place is not a winner. But guess what? That means that she is the 4th best speller out of hundreds of fifth graders in the school district!! So that's damn good to me!!
Her dad didn't make it, what a surprise. He actually thought I would be upset since he claims he took the wrong day off. He knows I don't have that much faith in him. Or at least he should know that. I guess that's the sad part, is that I have such little expectations for him. That has made it very easy not to want to fall back into a situation with him again. Lots of false promises and many a broken word. I hope for his sake he gets better.
Her dad didn't make it, what a surprise. He actually thought I would be upset since he claims he took the wrong day off. He knows I don't have that much faith in him. Or at least he should know that. I guess that's the sad part, is that I have such little expectations for him. That has made it very easy not to want to fall back into a situation with him again. Lots of false promises and many a broken word. I hope for his sake he gets better.
November 17, 2009
IT GOT WORSE
The day started out just fine. Church was awesome. Spent some time at my grandmother's with my family. My ex came and picked up DJ and Bruzer when him and his girlfriend got out of church. About 30 minutes before I planned to leave, I got a phone call that was blocked. Thinking it could be business-related, I answered it.
It was not.
It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.
I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.
As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.
The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.
First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!
I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.
I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.
I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.
This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.
I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.
Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!
It was not.
It was a woman claiming to be Dante's "baby's momma", saying she had been living there with him for the past month.
I kept my cool, and ended on the phone with her for about 30 minutes. She was convinced that Gwen (the other girlfriend) was there at the retirement party with him since he didn't bring her. I played it off like I didn't really know what was going on that day. I am smart enough to know that I was being pumped for information. She even noted she saw a photo of us in his old iPhone, but I pointed out that that picture was almost 2 years old. Basically not letting her know anything that was really going on with Dante and me. I told her I knew about Gwen, and that he would not bring Gwen home to his party. But she was so convinced, it made me wonder and so I had to go find out for myself. I got off the phone with her and I left my grandmother's half an hour to head to the event. I was literally shaking. I could not believe I just got that phone call. Not about this guy...and not from that girl!! Gwen I may have expected a call from, because I knew she was playing for keeps. But not this girl. She was an island chick and definitely a little on the crazy side in my opinion. Crazy why? Because I am not gonna be calling all over the world like that! She called Gwen after she talked to me.
As I was pulling up to the event, his car was turning out. He called me and told me they were running late, so to come back about 430p. I was gonna wait until I came back, but I knew I couldn't go to the event feeling like everything was a lie. I mean, I was finally gonna be meeting his family, I didn't want to be fake in front of them. I sent him a text to say I got an interesting phone call and he needed to call to find out who from. I never said her name when he called me. I told him I would have never in a million years expected to get that call from anyone about him.
Yes! Even with this mess with Gwen, I still thought very highly of him.
He was still at a loss as to who called, so I said "the person you gave your old iPhone to." He knew then. He asked what she said, to which I replied, "Apparently congratulations are in order." The conversation was done after that.
The shit hit the fan at that point. I got back to my grandmother's and my mom asked me to go for a ride cause I looked like I needed to talk. So I told her the whole story, starting with Gwen (which I hadn't told my family about at all), up until the current news. I just couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. I went to the event and he was outside on the phone. I talked to him for a few minutes and he kept expecting me to go inside. Are you freaking kidding me??!!??!! I could barely LOOK at him at that moment! I told him Mom was in the car and I was not staying but I wanted to hear his side later.
First thing I did when I got home was take the picture of us off the table in the living room. I looked at it and thought, "What a fucking lie!" So it was face down on a comforter in my room. He came over later that night and gave his side of the story. All he could see was "baby" and so it caused him to make a very bad judgment call, since they had conceived together some years ago but ultimately that child didn't survive. I knew her function before I ever had a chance to talk to him about it. The sad thing is I know him very well, because we are alot alike, so I can instantly understand the reasonings behind behaviors. It was a mistake to allow her to come there, but instead of "manning up" and just telling her so, he made it 20x worse by dogging her out to the point that she would want to leave. Well he got what asked for...and much, much more!!!
I talked to him on Monday morning, we had breakfast together and I saw him for a few minutes before he hit the road. I've talked to him a couple of times since he's been back in Memphis. But I have made myself very clear.
I told him I didn't like him, was hurt by him, frustrated and angry with him, and didn't trust him worth a damn. But at that moment, I didn't love him any less than before I got the phone call. Love doesn't turn off that easily. I told him to lose me is a loss that he may not realize until much later in life, because I'll be damned if he EVER finds another one like me!! I told him that when he gets his shit together and the dust settles, if he is ready to make a CHOICE at that point, and that choice is me he better come with both guns blazing, because it's gonna take some work. It is for damned sure gonna take commitment!!! No more "shopping around" a committed and sustainable pursuit of ME. He will also need to do it FOR me and not just because I am the one that's left.
I honestly don't know if he could do it. Lastly, I assured him that I MAY or MAY NOT be here at that time.
This hurts like hell. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I could consider still being with him. Not right now though, I am sure of that. I have to get past my hurt, heartbreak, and most of all my ANGER for the betrayal of lying to me like he did.
I talked to him for his birthday today. But after today I am backing off, for me. If he calls I will talk, if he texts I will respond. But he has to fix the mess that he made, and I need to heal myself right now. If he really wants me, he will pursue me.
Like I told him before, I wish him the best, but if it's not me it won't be!
November 14, 2009
2012
Took the kids to see 2012 today! AWESOME!!!! The disaster movie to end all disaster movies!!!!
Star-studded cast too! This also brings us days closer to the next big movie of the year, New Moon on November 20!
I got to see him today. It was nice. I didn't want him to leave. I tried to play it cool, but I know my eyes gave me away. I have very expressive eyes. I did finally come right out and say I wanted him here with me, and that was hard for me to do. He said he wanted to be here also, and he would let me know later. But I just found out he's gonna go to the late show to watch 2012. I would love to go, but it won't be out til almost 130a, and it's just too late to ask for a babysitter. The only choice is my niece and I can't imagine her mom would be okay with that. So, I will see him tomorrow then. He invited me to the retirement ceremony tomorrow afternoon, which was a surprise. DJ and Bruzer will be with DJ's dad, and I will drop Starr and Champagne at grandmother's with my mom. It was nice of him to offer.
Well, I think it's shower then bedtime for me, no sense in waiting up. I have church at 930a, so we need to be up and moving by 8a. I need a mental rest, my mind is exhausted.
p.s. It's nice to know this is as hard on him as it is on me. It tells me that he cares a lot for me. Hopefully, it tells him that too.
Star-studded cast too! This also brings us days closer to the next big movie of the year, New Moon on November 20!
I got to see him today. It was nice. I didn't want him to leave. I tried to play it cool, but I know my eyes gave me away. I have very expressive eyes. I did finally come right out and say I wanted him here with me, and that was hard for me to do. He said he wanted to be here also, and he would let me know later. But I just found out he's gonna go to the late show to watch 2012. I would love to go, but it won't be out til almost 130a, and it's just too late to ask for a babysitter. The only choice is my niece and I can't imagine her mom would be okay with that. So, I will see him tomorrow then. He invited me to the retirement ceremony tomorrow afternoon, which was a surprise. DJ and Bruzer will be with DJ's dad, and I will drop Starr and Champagne at grandmother's with my mom. It was nice of him to offer.
Well, I think it's shower then bedtime for me, no sense in waiting up. I have church at 930a, so we need to be up and moving by 8a. I need a mental rest, my mind is exhausted.
p.s. It's nice to know this is as hard on him as it is on me. It tells me that he cares a lot for me. Hopefully, it tells him that too.
November 13, 2009
It's Hard But I Am Surviving
I keep a very light-hearted mood about it most of the time, but we all know breaking up is hard to do. Especially when both parties don't necessarily want to break up but it seems to be the best thing to do right now...cause one of the parties doesn't have her financial shit together and the other party has emotional ISSUES that won't let him do right by the woman who is willing to give him the world.
That's jacked up, ain't it?
I joke with him when I talk to him about him dumping me - which I found out today he doesn't like me to say. I have yet to find a better term. Let's see, you start another relationship behind my back, finally come clean when I blatantly TELL you I know something is going on, expect me to be OKAY WITH IT, barely want to hear about it when I express my displeasure at the situation, then because you can't bear to deal with the reality of the pain you caused by your selfish actions, YOU DUMPED ME. Sounding pretty accurate to me.
Honestly though, I don't do it to be malicious, it's just something I do. It's kind of like making jokes when someone has died. You do it to deflect the pain and sadness. I know that I'lll only be able to deflect these emotions for so long. Like tonight, he's on his way into town and he's not coming here. He will stop by tomorrow because I have some things to give him for something that's happening on Sunday. Something to do with his retirement. A family affair I'm sure. I don't know how much more I will see him after that. I don't know what to think really.
Maybe I should just make a clean break of it? Will that make it easier? The first morning he got back to Memphis I purposely resisted sending a text that morning. I almost had to sit on my hands.
Time heals all wounds, right?
Right??
That's jacked up, ain't it?
I joke with him when I talk to him about him dumping me - which I found out today he doesn't like me to say. I have yet to find a better term. Let's see, you start another relationship behind my back, finally come clean when I blatantly TELL you I know something is going on, expect me to be OKAY WITH IT, barely want to hear about it when I express my displeasure at the situation, then because you can't bear to deal with the reality of the pain you caused by your selfish actions, YOU DUMPED ME. Sounding pretty accurate to me.
Honestly though, I don't do it to be malicious, it's just something I do. It's kind of like making jokes when someone has died. You do it to deflect the pain and sadness. I know that I'lll only be able to deflect these emotions for so long. Like tonight, he's on his way into town and he's not coming here. He will stop by tomorrow because I have some things to give him for something that's happening on Sunday. Something to do with his retirement. A family affair I'm sure. I don't know how much more I will see him after that. I don't know what to think really.
Maybe I should just make a clean break of it? Will that make it easier? The first morning he got back to Memphis I purposely resisted sending a text that morning. I almost had to sit on my hands.
Time heals all wounds, right?
Right??
November 12, 2009
It Was All for Nothing
Guess who got dumped anyway?
Long story short (cliff note style):
I had a hard time with the fact that she basically spent the weekend at his place. So I talked to him and vented it about it Sunday morning before church.
He was coming in town the next evening (my birthday) to attend a veteran's job fair the next day. Supposedly he had decided to move back home, though he really doesn't want to.
All was well, he got me the gift I asked for and a beautiful card.
Kids were in bed, we were getting comfortable for the evening and he was laying on the bed in his boxers. But all I could see was the very prominent hickey on his chest!!!
I pointed in out to him and told him it was very disrepectful to me and that, even though I'm aware of the situation and trying to be okay with, that was like throwing it in my face.
I went to relax my mind by taking a shower...or so I thought.
The next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably for what had to be about 15 minutes. As much as I tried to hold it in that was the last straw. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I was hoping this wouldn't be the day that he decided to join me in the shower. I was so wrong.
He didn't come into the bathroom, but I found out when I got back to the bedroom that he was at the door and heard me. I was embarrassed by that.
He was so upset that he had actually begun to cry from hearing me like that. (Mind you, this is the one I have complained about not showing enough emotion)
No Birthday Sex for me. ( Hell yeah, I was still willing! It was my birthday, dammit!! I had a good buzz for it and everything.)
The next morning, after a rough night's sleep for both of us, he told me that he had to step away from me because he didn't want to hurt me like that again.
We talked extensively and I found out that although he had asked/told her a while back (especially after she knew the truth) NOT to put those marks on him, she did this intentionally because she knew he was coming home in a couple of days.
I had decided on my birthday that I was not going to speak ill of her because she was not the enemy and that the fault is Dante's not either one of us. She's just as innocent in this as I am.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!
She waited until he was asleep (sleep apnea, does not wake up easily AT ALL) and then did it.
EVIL, MALICIOUS, CHILDISH, CONNIVING B$TCH!
However, her plan worked. We are no longer a couple, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for her!!
I told him I can't possibly see how he would even want to talk to her, let alone still spend time with her, even if he is only going to be there for another 2 weeks, considering what she has cost him (ie, ME)!
Any other guy that I have talked to agrees, that she is not the type of chick they would continue messing around with.
I don't know if there is anything else for us later on. Honestly, I still think he is gonna stay in Memphis.
I wish him the best, but I know it'll never be the best if it's not me!
2 years of my life being almost fully devoted and giving my all...and this is the reward I get?
Long story short (cliff note style):
I had a hard time with the fact that she basically spent the weekend at his place. So I talked to him and vented it about it Sunday morning before church.
He was coming in town the next evening (my birthday) to attend a veteran's job fair the next day. Supposedly he had decided to move back home, though he really doesn't want to.
All was well, he got me the gift I asked for and a beautiful card.
Kids were in bed, we were getting comfortable for the evening and he was laying on the bed in his boxers. But all I could see was the very prominent hickey on his chest!!!
I pointed in out to him and told him it was very disrepectful to me and that, even though I'm aware of the situation and trying to be okay with, that was like throwing it in my face.
I went to relax my mind by taking a shower...or so I thought.
The next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably for what had to be about 15 minutes. As much as I tried to hold it in that was the last straw. "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I was hoping this wouldn't be the day that he decided to join me in the shower. I was so wrong.
He didn't come into the bathroom, but I found out when I got back to the bedroom that he was at the door and heard me. I was embarrassed by that.
He was so upset that he had actually begun to cry from hearing me like that. (Mind you, this is the one I have complained about not showing enough emotion)
No Birthday Sex for me. ( Hell yeah, I was still willing! It was my birthday, dammit!! I had a good buzz for it and everything.)
The next morning, after a rough night's sleep for both of us, he told me that he had to step away from me because he didn't want to hurt me like that again.
We talked extensively and I found out that although he had asked/told her a while back (especially after she knew the truth) NOT to put those marks on him, she did this intentionally because she knew he was coming home in a couple of days.
I had decided on my birthday that I was not going to speak ill of her because she was not the enemy and that the fault is Dante's not either one of us. She's just as innocent in this as I am.
I WAS WRONG ABOUT THAT!!
She waited until he was asleep (sleep apnea, does not wake up easily AT ALL) and then did it.
EVIL, MALICIOUS, CHILDISH, CONNIVING B$TCH!
However, her plan worked. We are no longer a couple, so MISSION ACCOMPLISHED for her!!
I told him I can't possibly see how he would even want to talk to her, let alone still spend time with her, even if he is only going to be there for another 2 weeks, considering what she has cost him (ie, ME)!
Any other guy that I have talked to agrees, that she is not the type of chick they would continue messing around with.
I don't know if there is anything else for us later on. Honestly, I still think he is gonna stay in Memphis.
I wish him the best, but I know it'll never be the best if it's not me!
2 years of my life being almost fully devoted and giving my all...and this is the reward I get?
November 6, 2009
I Know I'm Nuts When...
...I can have upbeat conversations with my boyfriend knowing that he's
spending the evening (and night) with the chick on the side! We've
been texting all evening. He'd leave and call me and we would laugh
and talk like normal. I just got off the phone with him at almost
midnight and he was heading in the door to his apt where she still is!
spending the evening (and night) with the chick on the side! We've
been texting all evening. He'd leave and call me and we would laugh
and talk like normal. I just got off the phone with him at almost
midnight and he was heading in the door to his apt where she still is!
Yes! Slightly insane I know! But I never said I was normal.
November 2, 2009
Happy Birthday Starr!!
She's 11 today. (Yes, that is Transformers. Yes, she picked it all by herself!)
I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. It started out a beautiful San Diego day as usual. I was relieved the weekend was over, and she wasn't born on Halloween! I was supposed to go in to work that day and fill in for someone else who was out. But I called my supervisor and told him I just couldn't do it, that I was so tired and I promised I would be in the next day. He later told me how HAPPY he was that I didn't come in that day after all!!
It would be another hour before I noticed the somewhat regular tightening of my abdomen.
My friend and next door neighbor called and I was surprised she was home that day. She said she had to take her cousin to court so she took the day off work. We were just talking as usual and chit-chatting. Meanwhile, I was packing my bag for the hospital and DJ's bag for the babysitter, unbeknownst to my neighbor! Finally after about an hour, I asked what time she had to go to court and she said it was that afternoon. I politely asked her if she would drive me to the hospital because I was in labor. She started panicking more than I was! "Why didn't you say anything? How long have you been having contractions? Are you ready to go now?"
I replied 'no' to the last question because I still had to call my babysitter Lisa to pick up DJ. I didn't have to ask her if he could stay with them while I was in the hospital, she told me he was!!
She didn't live far, so they were there pretty quickly, and my friend and I were off to the hospital.
I don't really remember much about the drive there. Just enjoying the sights of San Diego, as I always did. I went to a hospital called Mary Birch Hospital for Women, so they had their own triage 'ER'-type area for Labor and Delivery. I was in my little room patiently waiting, my friend left to get her cousin to court on time, promising me she would be back ASAP. I remember a nurse coming in to check my vitals and enter my info in the system, but another nurse came a little later to do it again since she wasn't seeing info in the computer next to me. They already had me hooked up to a monitor machine that kept track of my contractions as well as the baby's heartbeat. I knew it was a girl, due to a previous ultrasound, and I already knew what her name was. I gave her father a chance to help with the naming by agreeing to the middle name Monique, but since he wasn't really around like I felt he should have been, I went with Starr instead. No, I'm no hippie I swear. But my mom's nickname in her younger days was Starr, and I knew without her (though 2200 miles away), I couldn't have made it through that preganancy sane. So Starr it was!
Back to the story: When the 2nd nurse came in and noticed my info wasn't in the computer thing, she decided she would go ahead and "check me" just to see how far I was progressing. What they are "checking" is how far I (my cervix, to be exact) am dilated ( up to 10cm) and effaced (thinned out, percentage up to 100%). Fully dilated and effaced basically means the baby is coming any second and some pushing is gonna be happening in moments. For most women, without using drugs that is, this process is usually rather uncomfortable to downright painful. I can still say to this day that after 4 children, it never was for me. So, imagine the nurse's utter amazement when she discovers I am fully dilated and effaced and sitting there as calm as if were having tea with the Queen! I even hear her at the nurse's station telling the other nurses that I am calm and relaxed and even laughing with her, though I am fully dilated and effaced! A few nurses peeked in my room! Now that was hilarious! She even asked at one point if I could not laugh so loudly because she didn't want to make the other women feel bad!! LOL
They got me up to labor and delivery pretty quick, needlesstosay. The doctor had two C-sections to do before me, then he was on his way in. In the time it took him to do the first delivery, it was all I could do to keep Starr in! Ladies with children, you know what I mean about that urge to push! Men, think of a time when you really, really had to do #2 but had to hold it until you got where you were going. Got that feeling in your mind? Good, now take that and multiply it by 20!!
The nurse paged him a few times, because by now I was really uncomfortable because I was trying to resist the urge to push. She put this oxygen mask on me, which made things worse because I felt like I couldn't breathe then! Goofy, I know. Finally she begged me to just wait a second longer, and she found him then literally pulled him into the room and said, "Trust me, this won't take but a minute or two!" He said push twice and there she was!! Then the doc was gone. Starr was rather cranky and not easily consolable initially, even for a newborn. So the nurse gave her a bottle of formula, and she drank two ounces right from the womb!! The nurse swore she had never seen anything like that before!
The only thing I really remember about the hospital stay afterward was hoping Wayne would walk through the door. No luck, Army duty called. I also know I am not one of those mothers that want their baby to sleep in the room with them. Are you kidding?? I know for sure the next few months it's just gonna be me and the babies, so at least for these two nights I'll take advantage of someone else watching the baby while I sleep!
The day I came home from the hospital, I ended up at the airport that evening because my mom was on a plane out there! She stayed for two weeks. She had never been that far west and had NEVER seen the ocean in her almost 50 years then. What an awesome thing to have been a part of. She even made sure DJ was walking by the time she flew back home!
So that's the story of Starr's birth, and I do not regret a moment of it...or anyday we have spent being a part of each other's lives. I see so much of myself in her, and then some. I just want her to know there is NOTHING she cannot do, that the sky really is the limit. So much more in store for her, and I can't hardly wait to be a part of it!
Thank You Lord for the blessing you gave me 11 years ago today.
November 1, 2009
What an Awesome Time I Had!!!
The party Friday night was great! I got to see a lot of people from the old high school days. I was with a group of girls that I knew, Kween was one of them. It was great! You know what? I decided I would not be a wall flower this time, that I was gonna have me some fun. I was NOT gonna just sit at the table and chit chat! Hell, I can do that on the phone!! lol I also decided that I wasn't gonna buy my own drinks either.
I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!
We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol
As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!
Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:
Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX
Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??
On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!
Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!
Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!
I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!
We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol
As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!
Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:
Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX
Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??
On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!
Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!
Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!
October 30, 2009
Better Than To Tell A Lie
Dante and I had a great talk to really clear the air from what happened in my last post. Part of it was that I was having a bad day and he knew I was having a bad day. So a part of my mind was like "see how much he cares about you"! But we cleared up alot. I asked the tough questions and got the honest answers. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but that I'm willing to deal with it for a minute longer until he decides where he wants to live. I tried to explain it to the BFF but I don't know how well I did. I know she doesn't like it and thinks that he should just be faithful (so do I), but sometimes life just isn't that simple. Hell, most times it's not.
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?
Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!
I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?
Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!
I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!
October 29, 2009
Truth Hurts
So I haven't heard from Dante for several hours this evening. I knew why.
No, he didn't tell me beforehand. I just knew.
So he send me a text at a little after 11p asking was I sleep, to which I replied 'No'. He asked what I was doing, I asked what he was doing. He replied, 'Honestly, I'm driving home.'
I asked from where, and he said I didn't wanna know. Like I told him, "Doesn't that tell me what I need to know?"
The more I sat and thought about it, I just got this rush of emotion. Somewhere between anger and hurt, complete with watering eyes.
All I can say is this: I am NOT going to cry about this situation (as it is right now) anymore!
No, he didn't tell me beforehand. I just knew.
So he send me a text at a little after 11p asking was I sleep, to which I replied 'No'. He asked what I was doing, I asked what he was doing. He replied, 'Honestly, I'm driving home.'
I asked from where, and he said I didn't wanna know. Like I told him, "Doesn't that tell me what I need to know?"
The more I sat and thought about it, I just got this rush of emotion. Somewhere between anger and hurt, complete with watering eyes.
All I can say is this: I am NOT going to cry about this situation (as it is right now) anymore!
So Mad At Myself
I've had a crappy day. I've been so mad at myself today. Even had a pity party for a while. Why?
Because I am so sick and tired of this saboteur inside of me that consistently ROBS me of my dreams!
My so-called comfort zone is still set to 'Struggling Mode', so no matter what I get, I will subconciously get myself back to that point.
How am I gonna get my Denali like that??
But, I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of being mad at myself. I need to turn this anger and frustration inward and FIX ME!!!
You know what? I will too!!
I am gonna start keeping a written money journal. I am also gonna keep better track of my goals, and make sure that my daily actions are moving towards achieving them. Lisa on Real Housewives of Atlanta said it best: "If it doesn't make me money, I'm not doing it."
Since noone else will hold me to the fire on this, I'll hold my damn self accountable!!
Because I am so sick and tired of this saboteur inside of me that consistently ROBS me of my dreams!
My so-called comfort zone is still set to 'Struggling Mode', so no matter what I get, I will subconciously get myself back to that point.
How am I gonna get my Denali like that??
But, I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of being mad at myself. I need to turn this anger and frustration inward and FIX ME!!!
You know what? I will too!!
I am gonna start keeping a written money journal. I am also gonna keep better track of my goals, and make sure that my daily actions are moving towards achieving them. Lisa on Real Housewives of Atlanta said it best: "If it doesn't make me money, I'm not doing it."
Since noone else will hold me to the fire on this, I'll hold my damn self accountable!!
October 18, 2009
The Ups and Downs of Life
So Dante is officially cheating on me. We had a conversation about the last time he was here. What bothers me most is that it wasn't what I thought it was. It wasn't just sex to 'tide him over' until we were together again. That I could deal with a lot easier. But oh no, no, no. It was spending time with the woman, meeting her family, going to her damn family reunion! WTF??!! Our agreement was to remain exclusive to each other physically. I failed last year with the guy I was working on the gym with...and I felt horrible about it. So horrible, that I NEVER did it again. There were many "turndowns" and at least one physical situation that I made the choice to walk away from. (Trust me the engine was on and it wasn't easy to turn this key off!) I didn't quite get that much thought from Dante. Oh sure, sure there was guilt at first...with THE FIRST GIRL!!!! This is number two!!!! So apparently the guilt faded away pretty well.
Don't I feel special.
I don't know what to do. I've been shocked. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried about it. I've lost my appetite over it. Now I'm just numb I think. We still talk like we have been. Still say our good mornings and goodnights. I still call myself his girlfriend. Am I still hurting? Hell yeah. Do I lay awake thinking about him with her? Hell no. Why waste my time and make myself upset over something I can't control?!?!?! Do I feel betrayed? You're damned right I do!!
He has made it crystal clear that he is not prepared to make a "decision" until he knows whether he knows if he's staying in Memphis or coming back here. He is absolutely against a committed long-distance relationship, mainly because of him and the exwife. So I'm just...numb. I'm almost to the point I don't really care anymore. I've stressed about it so much, I have to let it go. I can't control what he does. I can't control what he doesn't do. So I just have to focus on me, because that's what I can control.
All is well that ends well. How can I say that? Well, I know the Master I serve. And His Word assures me the victory, whether it's Dante or some other man who can truly appreciate and celebrate my worth, my heart, and my beautiful children!!!
Don't I feel special.
I don't know what to do. I've been shocked. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried about it. I've lost my appetite over it. Now I'm just numb I think. We still talk like we have been. Still say our good mornings and goodnights. I still call myself his girlfriend. Am I still hurting? Hell yeah. Do I lay awake thinking about him with her? Hell no. Why waste my time and make myself upset over something I can't control?!?!?! Do I feel betrayed? You're damned right I do!!
He has made it crystal clear that he is not prepared to make a "decision" until he knows whether he knows if he's staying in Memphis or coming back here. He is absolutely against a committed long-distance relationship, mainly because of him and the exwife. So I'm just...numb. I'm almost to the point I don't really care anymore. I've stressed about it so much, I have to let it go. I can't control what he does. I can't control what he doesn't do. So I just have to focus on me, because that's what I can control.
All is well that ends well. How can I say that? Well, I know the Master I serve. And His Word assures me the victory, whether it's Dante or some other man who can truly appreciate and celebrate my worth, my heart, and my beautiful children!!!
Preconceived Notions
Why do people insist upon passing judgments? I just don't understand that. Dante told me he talked to his father about me the other day. What's funny is his father's main question once he learned that I had four children was "Is she looking for someone to take care of them?"
WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???
What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.
You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!
As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.
Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!
WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???
What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.
You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!
As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.
Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!
October 13, 2009
September 14, 2009
Still Going Up!
Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!
September 11, 2009
And the Roller Coaster Continues...
Things are back on the upswing right now. Shocking, I know! Not just as far as the relationship goes, but just life in general. I am going to look at a house tomorrow that I am believing for and have already thanked God that it's mine. (In the name of Jesus) It's a very cute house, single-story, maybe 5 minutes tops from here...so the kids don't have to change schools. Huge fenced yard in the back, the owner says all appliances (including dishwasher, shhh don't tell the kids) are less than 2 years old. He is very pet friendly. Yay! It's in my budget, comfortably! He may even consider selling it in the near future, since it doesn't look like he'll be stationed back here again.
I have a moving truck to pick up tomorrow morning. My goal is to get the large stuff out mainly, then I can make small trips back and forth during the week for the boxes and misc items. We'll see. Cody is coming to help, which is great.
Relationship-wise, I am re-focused on doing what I do best. You see, I haven't been practicing what I preach. Let me elaborate on that for you.
I believe strongly in taking care of my man...in every way. However, I have sank in to this "let's see what he does for me" mode, and now I'm unhappy. Is anyone else shocked?
Me neither.
Do you know I haven't been to Memphis to see him since our getaway trip in March?? And before that was January I think?? Oh yes, there could be excuses for it. Unemployed, kids, babysitting, blah, blah, blah. But frankly, excuses aren't allowed. One of the biggest things I preach is that if YOU won't do it, there is another that will. That goes for male and female, mind you.
When he comes to see me, I barely even try to look attractive for him. I can be so organic sometimes that I'm like "this is me, take me as I am". But damn woman, the man hasn't seen you in 5 or 6 weeks. If you know he's coming, be smelling good and dressed cute with your hair fixed at least!!! If he won't make it in til after midnight, I have some very nice "nightwear". Even if he won't make it in til 10p, care enough about him and yourself to stay dressed and looking nice. Because honestly it really does show that you care. It says, "Hey, I think you're special enough to really put my best foot forward for you."
Who wouldn't want that??
He's in Alabama this weekend at a black softball tournament. I've talked to him a few times today so far. To tell the honest to goodness truth, I miss him when I don't see him and I love him when he's here. No matter what I try to say, I'm still in love with him. Which does in turn cause me to put my guard in place (if not really "up"), just in case he chooses to go a different route. I want him for the long haul, I can't deny that. But if that is the path we are to take, it has yet to be seen.
I hope whatever the thing is with the "other person", that it's done. I still feel I have the number 1 spot locked up. However, I don't plan to give some 20% chick a chance to look like 80% either. I am thinking at this point there is a 90% chance he's staying in Memphis. Only we can decide if we still have a chance, given the distance. (Before you ask, yes I would move there if things became permanent) I think it can work with the distance, even as far as us becoming closer emotionally. But that requires letting go of past issues that prevent us from moving forward in the present. Since the distance played a major role in his marriage to the ex, he doesn't want to do that again. What he needs to understand is that we are different people, we are at a different maturity level, we are allowing ourselves to become closer in the amount of communication we have, and the differences continue. I felt as if, from the stories he told me, they both put up such walls during the dating phase, that they didn't give each other a chance to really know the other person before they got married. Her thing was that she wasn't going to move where he was and not be married. His thing was if he went to this particular area he was to be stationed at alone, he would likely cheat. Those were both things that could have been overcome. Cheating is a conscious decision that can be stopped at anytime. For her, if she was single with no kids and not established in a job or college somewhere...what was the reason for not moving? Conversely, even over our distance, I feel we've seen each other at our best and worst...and we're still here! The truth is, it takes effort and maturity for any relationship to work, and I think we may both be willing to do that.
I will keep you posted!
Say a prayer about the house!
I have a moving truck to pick up tomorrow morning. My goal is to get the large stuff out mainly, then I can make small trips back and forth during the week for the boxes and misc items. We'll see. Cody is coming to help, which is great.
Relationship-wise, I am re-focused on doing what I do best. You see, I haven't been practicing what I preach. Let me elaborate on that for you.
I believe strongly in taking care of my man...in every way. However, I have sank in to this "let's see what he does for me" mode, and now I'm unhappy. Is anyone else shocked?
Me neither.
Do you know I haven't been to Memphis to see him since our getaway trip in March?? And before that was January I think?? Oh yes, there could be excuses for it. Unemployed, kids, babysitting, blah, blah, blah. But frankly, excuses aren't allowed. One of the biggest things I preach is that if YOU won't do it, there is another that will. That goes for male and female, mind you.
When he comes to see me, I barely even try to look attractive for him. I can be so organic sometimes that I'm like "this is me, take me as I am". But damn woman, the man hasn't seen you in 5 or 6 weeks. If you know he's coming, be smelling good and dressed cute with your hair fixed at least!!! If he won't make it in til after midnight, I have some very nice "nightwear". Even if he won't make it in til 10p, care enough about him and yourself to stay dressed and looking nice. Because honestly it really does show that you care. It says, "Hey, I think you're special enough to really put my best foot forward for you."
Who wouldn't want that??
He's in Alabama this weekend at a black softball tournament. I've talked to him a few times today so far. To tell the honest to goodness truth, I miss him when I don't see him and I love him when he's here. No matter what I try to say, I'm still in love with him. Which does in turn cause me to put my guard in place (if not really "up"), just in case he chooses to go a different route. I want him for the long haul, I can't deny that. But if that is the path we are to take, it has yet to be seen.
I hope whatever the thing is with the "other person", that it's done. I still feel I have the number 1 spot locked up. However, I don't plan to give some 20% chick a chance to look like 80% either. I am thinking at this point there is a 90% chance he's staying in Memphis. Only we can decide if we still have a chance, given the distance. (Before you ask, yes I would move there if things became permanent) I think it can work with the distance, even as far as us becoming closer emotionally. But that requires letting go of past issues that prevent us from moving forward in the present. Since the distance played a major role in his marriage to the ex, he doesn't want to do that again. What he needs to understand is that we are different people, we are at a different maturity level, we are allowing ourselves to become closer in the amount of communication we have, and the differences continue. I felt as if, from the stories he told me, they both put up such walls during the dating phase, that they didn't give each other a chance to really know the other person before they got married. Her thing was that she wasn't going to move where he was and not be married. His thing was if he went to this particular area he was to be stationed at alone, he would likely cheat. Those were both things that could have been overcome. Cheating is a conscious decision that can be stopped at anytime. For her, if she was single with no kids and not established in a job or college somewhere...what was the reason for not moving? Conversely, even over our distance, I feel we've seen each other at our best and worst...and we're still here! The truth is, it takes effort and maturity for any relationship to work, and I think we may both be willing to do that.
I will keep you posted!
Say a prayer about the house!
September 10, 2009
Lots of Discord
SO many things going crazy right now. School isn't going so well due to the stress of home-hunting and moving on the horizon. The home thing itself is enough to cause me to have an aneurism. And to top it all off, the relationship is sucking right now too. It may just be me, because I know I have some underlying feelings about him not coming home now. I'm mad and hurt and sad and disappointed and...
You get the picture!
I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"
I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.
I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!
Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.
What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.
It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...
Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!
You get the picture!
I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"
I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.
I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!
Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.
What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.
It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...
Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!
August 30, 2009
Pushed Away
Ever get the feeling you're being pushed away? Maybe it's just PMS, but that's how I feel. Dante came in this weekend and well, let's say we've had MUCH better visits before. This one, I was more like a pit stop or afterthought for him. He stopped in Friday and I took him to get a state ID. We saw each other for a total of maybe 45 minutes. I expected him to come back that night and....well, he did...sort of. If you could call sending a text at 230a to say 'I'm on my way' "night". Thank goodness he had a key, so at least I didn't have to get up.
He was gone by 930a later that morning. Didn't hear from him all day until I get an urgent call to go look for some cousin's drunk-driving girlfriend. Never found her, she had apparently made it home. I guess he called because where she was supposedly located was around the corner from me. Did I get a call later? Did I get a "Goodnight Punkin" text? Nope. I sure as hell didn't get a visit since it was pre-cycle time (which for me is like cycle-time when sex is induced)! I got a "Good Morning Punkin" text at 1030a, to which I replied the same. I text again a bit later and got nothing. Then finally he calls since he was at the house (I was at Leigh's). I came home and asked if he wanted to go get pizza with me and the kids. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep (I expected a no), so we left. Hey, he didn't put any plans on hold for me, so why should I?
We went back a bit later and he was still sleep. He woke up, ate, and then basically told me he was heading back to Memphis. Last I remembered, he was planning to stay a few days at least! I gave him a hug and a peck, wished him safe travels, told him to call when he got home, and that was that.
What would you be thinking at this point? Maybe you've been thinking it all along and I've been the slow one to catch up? Maybe it's PMS, and I could be a little more understanding about the transition he's going through right now. Marine career ending, official divorce only 6 months old, etc, etc. Haven't I been "understanding" enough though, seriously?? I just don't expect after seeing each other for almost two years for him to still be so casual. This guy that I saw this visit, this "I-can-take-her-or-leave-her guy"? Didn't care for him AT ALL. Would be really great to NEVER see him again! Honestly, by the time he was leaving, I was so upset with his regard for me (or lack thereof) this visit that I could barely stand to look at him. (warning: emotions possibly exaggerated by PMS)
One final thought: Is it too much to ask to have somebody love and care for me as much and as passionately as I do for them?
He was gone by 930a later that morning. Didn't hear from him all day until I get an urgent call to go look for some cousin's drunk-driving girlfriend. Never found her, she had apparently made it home. I guess he called because where she was supposedly located was around the corner from me. Did I get a call later? Did I get a "Goodnight Punkin" text? Nope. I sure as hell didn't get a visit since it was pre-cycle time (which for me is like cycle-time when sex is induced)! I got a "Good Morning Punkin" text at 1030a, to which I replied the same. I text again a bit later and got nothing. Then finally he calls since he was at the house (I was at Leigh's). I came home and asked if he wanted to go get pizza with me and the kids. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep (I expected a no), so we left. Hey, he didn't put any plans on hold for me, so why should I?
We went back a bit later and he was still sleep. He woke up, ate, and then basically told me he was heading back to Memphis. Last I remembered, he was planning to stay a few days at least! I gave him a hug and a peck, wished him safe travels, told him to call when he got home, and that was that.
What would you be thinking at this point? Maybe you've been thinking it all along and I've been the slow one to catch up? Maybe it's PMS, and I could be a little more understanding about the transition he's going through right now. Marine career ending, official divorce only 6 months old, etc, etc. Haven't I been "understanding" enough though, seriously?? I just don't expect after seeing each other for almost two years for him to still be so casual. This guy that I saw this visit, this "I-can-take-her-or-leave-her guy"? Didn't care for him AT ALL. Would be really great to NEVER see him again! Honestly, by the time he was leaving, I was so upset with his regard for me (or lack thereof) this visit that I could barely stand to look at him. (warning: emotions possibly exaggerated by PMS)
One final thought: Is it too much to ask to have somebody love and care for me as much and as passionately as I do for them?
August 19, 2009
Interesting Few Days
Such ups and downs, mentally and emotionally. And it actually has nothing to do with my relationship with Dante for once! Shocking, I know!
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
August 12, 2009
Funny How Things Happen
Never did talk to Dante that Monday night. He sent me a text early yesterday morning asking was I working. No. So he called a few minutes later. We talked a bit. I mentioned how he didn't talk to me all day and he said he was mad. Are you kidding me? You're getting messy and I call you on it, and you're mad? Of course he never admitted to wrong doing or having anyone there, but I refused to let my intuition be squelched. I do not discount my intuition, it's there for a reason. We had a discussion and he said very palinly that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship when and if he came home. Damn! Did I just get hit in the gut? So after almost two years I suppose he's just gonna be content "hittin' it" when he wants some and spending time if he feels like it?
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
August 10, 2009
I Am The Prize
I have to remind myself of that today, and everyday from now on. Today has been very difficult as far as relationships go. I discovered last night that everytime I talked to Dante yesterday, he was mobile. I even tested the theory when he arrived home last night. Before he got to his apartment, he got off the phone with me. He told me he would be fixing him something to eat and headed to bed. It was 930P!!! I even tried to play-pout and ask would he at least call me to say goodnight. He said he couldn't do it. I waited until I knew for sure he was in the house and settled, about 10 min, then I called his cell.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
School Shopping Blows...and other news
For the last two days, I have been clothes shopping for the delightful children. Total, minus shoes? $300!! Ouch!! Payless BOGO starts Tuesday, so that will be even more money. But I am definitely going to try and recoup some from Wayne at least. I finally got my tire fixed yesterday also, at the cost of choir day and choir rehearsal. I am so bummed about that. Not to mention another $200 for 2 tires (yep, just 2) and an oil change.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
August 6, 2009
Summer is Winding Down
It doesn't look like there will be any more trips this summer for us. I'm glad we had such an awesome time at HolidayWorld last month!
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
July 27, 2009
He Really Does Care!
Okay, so I know I have been complaining about Dante not being as emotional with me as I would like. I mean the "Big Three Words" are rarely exchanged, sometimes to the point of making me wonder if he really does. I even asked the other day for clarification.
Then he turns around and comes into town and surprises me!
Then he tells me he's already on the road headed back to Memphis, and then shows up at my door once again on Sunday after my choir day!
I think I may keep him after all! LOL
Church was AWESOME!! I tell you what, I never thought it could be like this!! Being on that choir stand, singing and praising and worshipping with other like-minded people...more powerful than I could have ever imagined! Being in the choir at my old church was NOTHING like this! The presence of God is there! He gave me this gift, and I get to give it back to him and to others all for his glory!!! I truly believe I would like to move toward being a frontline member in the next year or so!
I would definitely have to say this was a great weekend!
Then he turns around and comes into town and surprises me!
Then he tells me he's already on the road headed back to Memphis, and then shows up at my door once again on Sunday after my choir day!
I think I may keep him after all! LOL
Church was AWESOME!! I tell you what, I never thought it could be like this!! Being on that choir stand, singing and praising and worshipping with other like-minded people...more powerful than I could have ever imagined! Being in the choir at my old church was NOTHING like this! The presence of God is there! He gave me this gift, and I get to give it back to him and to others all for his glory!!! I truly believe I would like to move toward being a frontline member in the next year or so!
I would definitely have to say this was a great weekend!
July 26, 2009
Surprise, Surprise!
Well, Dante did it again! He told me on Friday that he was going to a
wedding with a friend of his. He also told me not to expect to see him
until like August. I was having a meloncholy day yesterday about my
feelings. I was really frustrated because he's not as emotional as I
would like. I mean, 'I love you' doesn't flow very freely in this
relationship. AT ALL.
I talked to him that morning and he said he was heading to the office
for a bit. I worked 2 hours and we were having a text conversation
about love. Then we talked on the phone and he told me that he just
has never neen the type to really talk about emotions. Bummer.
He sent me a message to see if I wanted to join him in a webchat...a
private chat, if you will. So I'm trying to set my webcam up on the
laptop in the bedroom and I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My
first thought was wondering why Bruzer had his shoes on. It wasn't my
child.
It was Dante!!!!
He surprised me and drove into town! Let me just say I didn't know how
much I missed him until I felt him close to me. I can say he felt the
same way!!
wedding with a friend of his. He also told me not to expect to see him
until like August. I was having a meloncholy day yesterday about my
feelings. I was really frustrated because he's not as emotional as I
would like. I mean, 'I love you' doesn't flow very freely in this
relationship. AT ALL.
I talked to him that morning and he said he was heading to the office
for a bit. I worked 2 hours and we were having a text conversation
about love. Then we talked on the phone and he told me that he just
has never neen the type to really talk about emotions. Bummer.
He sent me a message to see if I wanted to join him in a webchat...a
private chat, if you will. So I'm trying to set my webcam up on the
laptop in the bedroom and I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My
first thought was wondering why Bruzer had his shoes on. It wasn't my
child.
It was Dante!!!!
He surprised me and drove into town! Let me just say I didn't know how
much I missed him until I felt him close to me. I can say he felt the
same way!!
He came back later in the evening to tell me they were hitting a
little club near me. I convinced him to stay with me just a bit
longer! (wink)
Today is my long church day and I don't expect to see him today before
he leaves. That's why I had to make the most of yesterday!!
July 21, 2009
School's Out!
Finals are over! Yay!! I did great on one (Spanish) and I am just praying for a 'C' on the other! I spent the day at Scott AFB taking the proctored (read: supervised) exams at their Park extension campus. Yes, many airmen. Yes, many men in their uniforms. Yes, there is something about a man in uniform. No, none of them looked as good to me as Dante does in his! I guess I really am sprung on this guy huh?
I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!
I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!
I'll let you know my grades when I know!
I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!
I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!
I'll let you know my grades when I know!
July 18, 2009
In a Good Place
I'm still in the same duplex, and I am fine with it. I looked and looked, I mean literally driving street to street. Nothing was fruitful. I was so stressed, it was all consuming. I talked to my neighbor one night coming home. She asked me did I have any luck yet finding a place. We basically shared each other's sentiment that there's nothing out there in a 3 bedroom in our budget and remotely close to our part of town. I know some may not understand it, but it's not easy to move when you have children and uproot them from their school. I thought I was stressed, she said she was having anxiety attacks about it. I knew at that point that I had to let it go and pray that whoever buys this place wants to fix it up a bit with the tenants still living here. That's my prayer and that's what I'm believing for.
School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.
I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.
The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.
Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!
School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.
I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.
The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.
Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!
July 11, 2009
Recovering
It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
July 9, 2009
What About Me? What About Us?
I have a lot to talk about. Mainly the awesome time we had in Indiana at HolidayWorld the past couple of days! I will definitely be going back next year! But that post is for another time.
The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?
At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.
What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):
"What about me?"
The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?
At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.
What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):
"What about me?"
July 3, 2009
Blessings From Above!!
So I was checking my email from Park and got an interesting email about an ACH refund being processed. So I went to check my bank account and lo and behold! There was a good size deposit in there!!! I wasn't even aware I was getting a Pell grant, but that's what it was! What a blessing!!!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!
Today was the good news I needed!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!
Today was the good news I needed!
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