A Letter To Dante

This has only been edited to change one name and add a word that I forgot. Otherwise, this is how I emailed it to him after a conversation we had yesterday. There is a part that is not G-rated.




I have to get this out while it's on my mind. I knew I couldn't call back because you were probably already with "someone" (she has a name and I know it, so no sense in being vague).

I have been thinking alot about what chance we really do/did have for the long term. I mean, we both know that in a lot of ways it's a fluke that we are where we are right now. When I think about the kid thing, I have always told you that I couldn't imagine denying the thing you wanted so bad. You made it into a much bigger deal than I did, possibly because I had done all the research and was 100% sure the reversal would work flawlessly for me. Also possibly because you have suffered through infertility and feel that nothing is guaranteed. I am the type of person that believes that love will always find a way, if given a chance. I was completely confident that we could work out a solution to the baby problem. The other issue I have is with my kids. I never pushed my kids off on you, because I knew that you were purposely avoiding getting close to them. Just like I knew you were doing your damnedest to keep your emotional distance from me, you were
staying even further away from the kids. One of the happiest times for me was when you took them to D&B's, without me saying a thing. I remembered you saying something about taking them several months before, but I refused to bring it up because I wanted it to be on your own accord.

One of the things that endeared me so much about Joseph last year and [The New Guy] was how into family they were. They weren't just content to do things as a couple, they were constantly thinking about things to do as a family...including the kids. That was one of my biggest drawbacks with you. I choose not to focus on the superficial, but moreso on the heart.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if I can ever feel in your arms the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever feel like felt the minute you were inside of me. It felt like HOME. That is what made all the "other stuff" workable for me. Can you understand that?

What I do know is like I told you the other day and like I was trying to get out of you today. If you want me, then you need to show it wholeheartedly. I know you have that capacity to love as hard as I do. If you think you can do better otherwise (ie, someone happily putting in their 40hours every week in Corp. America for peanuts and with no kids), then by all means I urge you to continue onto your pursuit of happiness. Because that woman is not me. I have four beautiful children that I am overly proud of, that are not bad kids in any way, and that any man would be glad to have in their life. I have never been a welfare mom, and can't imagine I ever will be, and I always manage to take [care] of home (and others too if you want me to be perfectly honest about it).

I don't know how tonight is gonna go with you and Gwen. Maybe you'll pull her close and kiss her like you did me. Maybe you'll pull her close and do more than just kiss. I'm sure you're hoping for something along those lines, though you may feel you don't deserve it. That bothers me more than you could ever understand, but I'll be okay eventually. Figure out what you really want and go for it. If you feel like she is it - even though you're coming home - I PROMISE I will not be a hinderance at all. Always remember though that even though it looks good "on paper" doesn't mean it's right for you.

I love you and good luck.