The Graduate

Champagne, my little graduate, is now on her way to kindergarten! We went to her graduation ceremony tonight from preschool, with her little friends. I may not have made it to many (okay ANY) outings, but I pretty much know all the kids there! So many have been there since the beginning, or close to it, that they are just growing up together.

I am going to try NOT to be such a slacker mom, and have her keep up with a few of them.

We also went to the Shriner's Day parade tonight, but didn't stay long after the parade started. My goodness, it took FOREVER for them to begin!! It was almost 9pm! Bruzer had to go to the bathroom and waited to the last second to tell me! We were outside people! I tried to get him to wait a minute because I couldn't leave at that moment since Agnes had stepped away to send her son with his dad. TOO LATE...there it went trickling down his leg. Well, I made him go potty before we left the preschool at probably 720p. Then he went again while we were waiting for the parade to start. Then again? Well, that's what happens when your child drinks ALL of his juice pouch instead of eating his hamburger! And so we left.

By the time we got home, the lightening was all across the sky. The thunder was starting to catch up to it too, which meant the storm was close. By about 1015p, the rain began hard. Wait...that's too hard to be just rain...

Whoa!! It's hailing the size of walnuts! My poor car, how I wish I had a garage for her now! Hopefully no damage.

Okay shutting down the computer now...later!!

I've Had Better Weekends...

Main news is that I didn't see Dante at all this weekend. Heck, barely talked to him for that matter. I talked to him briefly Saturday evening, didn't talk to him at all on Sunday, then briefly this evening. He said he was going to stop by before he headed back to Memphis, but considering it's 1130pm...I can safely assume that's a no.

I stopped by my sister's house for a while so the kids could play together. Leigh and I were both like zombies on the couch. The kids were having a good time though. My head was pounding and I am getting a cold of all things...so I wasn't at my best.

Hopefully I'll come around soon...

Cleaning House!!!

Finally! I have heard one too many comments about a tornado and my house in the same sentence!
So I have spent the better part of Saturday cleaning. I went through all things in the living room and did a pretty good job rearranging those items. It will look much better when I sell the all-in-one and stuff that's going with it. I then washed up all my dishes, and finally unpacked the cookware set my mom bought me for Christmas. It's a stainless steel nonstick set. Well, I already have a great 18/10 stainless steel set, and I am still holding on to a few on my T-Fal peices from several years back also. But since I got the microwave cart, I have a place to put the new cookware, so now that's done and the microwave is on its new home.

Most of the living room and kitchen are done, I would say about 95% LR and 85% kitchen (only because I have to do the floor). I still have to do the bathroom as well. The toilet and tub won't take but a few minutes and the sink is done already, but I really need to get the floor done. I will do it tonight while the kids are sleep though. I am also simultaneously doing laundry while all this is going on too! I am just ready for my home to look nice again. My mental state is not nearly as cluttered or chaotic as it has been in the recent past, and it's high time my house reflected that!

P.S. I Love You

That movie is right up there with The Notebook for sure! My eyes are still puffy and swollen! I think I bawled like a little girl on that one! Just beautiful! AND I am very partial to Harry Connick, Jr anyway? Absolutely fabulous!

Not feeling very loved these days and frankly, I don't like it. Dante has "stuff" going on again, so I seem to get pushed to the back burner while he deals with it. Yeah, I don't like it much either. But hell, what can I really do about it right now? Call him and yell at him and demand he start paying me more attention? Some would I know, but I most likely won't. Why not, you ask?

I don't know okay? I don't really know.

I mean yeah on the surface I am being considerate of his feelings and the stress of his situation and all that stuff, that is very true. But I also know there is another reason under there as to why I won't really assert myself that way. Mostly because although we've talked about the possibility of there being an "us", we haven't made that a definite just yet. It's not like he'll initiate that conversation with me. I mean, remember, he is a MAN after all. And I don't want to be that typical broad that brings up the whiny "what about us? are we gonna take this to the next level?" chick either, so therein lies my dilemma.

Well, then, what do I do about this perpetual state of uncertainty I live in romantically?
I ignore it, of course!

That is, until I go and do something wreckless like watch P.S. I Love You or The Notebook or The Lake House! When will I ever learn? :-)

Now it's off to bed alone, just wishing I could be held by someone who cares about me...

I Got Flowers

Saturday afternoon, as I was working in my living room, I saw a flower delivery van outside my front window. Well, the first thing I thought was "That surely isn't for me" and I went back to loading my bags full of winter clothing into the hallway closet. Oddly enough when I came back to the front, I saw the lady was walking up the front steps, so I went to the door. She said my name and I replied, then she handed me a vase containing a dozen roses!

I'll be honest, my first thought was that they were from my sweetie. You see, he came home this weekend because his sis had the baby...and I hadn't seen him yet. That just seemed like something he would do. Especially after the Mother's Day card last weekend!

Then I read the card in the bouquet:
"From someone who loves you very, very, very much."

I knew then who it wasn't from, and also who it was from. Yep, you guessed it!

Can't Get Right!

When I called him to ask about them, he told me he just wanted to tell me another way how much he cared besides just verbally.

Silly me, I was worried about explaining the flowers when my sweetie came by before he left. Well, didn't have to worry about that because he didn't stop by to see me at all this weekend. Yes, I am a bit disappointed by that, but it wasn't about me to start with. So I deal with it. I know other women who would have pitched a fit, because they seem to think that their man's life seems to revolve around them! This is a big deal for him, now that he is in Memphis and so close to home. He was home for his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Mother's Day, and now not only the birth of his sister's child but her birthday today as well! Never in his 18years in the Marines has this happened. So yeah, I'll take a backseat to that.

Anyway, I still haven't seen Can't Get Right...and I really don't know what to think. I have such a different focus right now, I just don't flip out over that like I did not-too-long ago. That makes me feel very empowered too. I went to Leigh's Master's degree graduation on Friday night...that was a bit of a wake-up call too. I need to get focused on achieving my Bachelor's degree, then my MBA, because that's what I want! There is noone in my way but me, the same person that's been blocking me for all these years.

No more, no more, no more!

In Spanish: No mas, no mas, no mas!

Hopefully that cleared it up!

Time is moving on...

Man, have I been a little MIA lately or what? I had gotten so good at my blogging schedule! But with everything going on with the new business stuff and just life in general, I have been slacking major.

Last night, I watch 'Hairspray'. What a great little film!! I thoroughly enjoyed it. There were so many relevant messages in it, even for today. It was one the kids could watch and enjoy also, so it was a great evening. Viv came over and braided Starr's hair. Champagne had hers braided the evening before (could have wrung her neck for not even flinching when Viv comb her hair, yet I apply grease and she's tearing up already!). That will be their "look" for the summer, cause both of them will be swimming soon enough! I rented '27 Dresses' tonight. I wanted to get 'Untraceable' but I thought that was a little dark for me right now. The other choice was 'P.S. I Love You'....and um...hell no! A little too emotional right now for that one!

I had an awesome Saturday and Sunday night with my sweetie. That felt good, being able to sleep with him and wake up with him too. (And boy does he know how to wake a girl up!!)

Ok, I am back! (huge, guilty grin) I am waiting to hear whether I am what's called "client qualified" for my first client with Arise. It's one I really wanted, and then the other obstacle would be paying for it within 24hours. But, I am working on that now too.

A couple of people on my team got fired on Monday afternoon, so that brought things really close to home. Not like I would be as broken up as one would expect me to be in such a situation if it happened to me, but I am not ready just yet! Got to at least secure one steady Arise client, while working on my second...and my other streams of income too! My magnets for my car came, as well as my admin. business cards. I just need to work on my sales letter and/or brochure for the admin services...and I have YET to do my travel flyer! Slacker I know. I am also working on networking opportunities as well in the very near future. I would LOVE to build my own little mailing list for my travel services, and I really want to get church business too!!

As usual, I got a lot to do. So, don't be mad if you don't see me for a minute! K??

p.s. My sweetie used some fabulous Marine-type stealth skills to deliver a Mother's Day to my front door unnoticed...after he left that afternoon! And what a nice card it was:

"There aren't many challenges bigger than those faced by single mothers...but if anyone is up to the challenge, you are. You're a wonderful mother and you deserve a Happy Mother's Day!"
Did that not totally ROCK, or am I just a bit biased??

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Spent a good day with the family. Started out well with my sweetie, and was met with disappointment somewhere in the middle. Isn't that life though? Or maybe it's just my life...

Interesting Week

I have been feeling really melancholy this week. Very unsettled about "stuff". But, after talking with Dante today, I feel much better. Things are still clear on the business front, but personally...well...not so crystal there.

I just felt this distance there and I wanted to know why and what it meant. He's been working ridiculously for the past month and a half, so I knew that was a major reason. I just wanted to make sure that was the only thing...and that it wasn't someone that I needed to be concerned about. I mean, let's face it, the distance is there. We had talked before about if he found someone there he would let me know. I was just worried that he had, and then didn't have the heart to tell me 'cause he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He hadn't.

We had a very open conversation, from the heart. He has known for a while now that I have been a bit uneasy and wanted to talk to him, but he decided to wait and let me come to him. It's not like he hasn't had an enormous load on his plate lately, so I didn't want to burden him. But, it was finally at the point that I could have exploded today. So many emotions churning around. So I sent him an email that I wanted to talk to him later today. Once I hit send, there was no chickening out!

I was glad to get things off my chest, I feel a bit more clear-headed and focused now. I just needed to know what we were. I mean, at this point, no definition has been realistically established still. But, it's nice to know that he considers us more than just FWB, and there is potential for a future, should that situation arise. That's a relief!

Other than that, I have been working on passing another little certification for my Arise business. I have 2 prerequisite courses basically to take before I can certify with any clients' training - Customer Service 101 and Sales 101. I would like to have the first done by end of weekend, so I can register the second one. But, I did email someone on the work at home forum who said she has contracted with a few local businesses for services as well. Isn't that exactly the core business for StarrDom??? All I gotta do is get outta my way!

I'm movin', I'm movin'...you don't have to push! :-)


p.s. My car magnets came today!!! WooHoo!!!

PsychoRev, The Dark Period

The Dark Period? Dramatic? Yes. Inaccurate? Not at all. It wasn't so much that he was so bad, but my self-esteem and self-worth had hit an all time low. Okay, he was really that bad too. He didn't get the name PsychoRev as a pun.

I met him on yahoo personals, and he seemed to be really perfect. We hit it off online, chatting up a storm. He was a career Air Force man, about a year and a half from retirement, yet only in his late 30s. He had been married before, as had I. He had children already, and was fine with the fact that I had children. Wait...

Let me interject to say that time, I was only interested in certain criteria while dating. I preferred that he have kids already (since I was surgically altered after Bruzer). I preferred that he have been married before, that way no glossed over ideals of what marriage should be like. High on the list was that he not be looking to casually date, that he was looking for a serious long-term commitment. I was not so much interested in dating for the sake of dating, that was a waste of time and energy in my eyes. So this one, was spot on in all those categories.

To top it off, he was an ordained Baptist minister (thus the Rev" part). Me? A first lady of a church? Oooooh, I could do that most definitely! We were dating at the beginning of that year, and at that time I kinda wanted to play around a bit, so we slowed down and stopped talking for a while. I was casually dating Henry at that time, and talking to this other guy I went to high school with. Nothing physical was going on with either of them. Then there was Lloyd. We were business associates and friends by day, and at night....well, he was a November Scorpio, need I say more? We were definitely never to be an item, too many fundamental differences (Christian - Muslim, things like that), but we enjoyed each other's company and friendship. So while I wasn't physical with any of the other guys, he kept me satisfied so I didn't reach "hoe" status with my insatiable appetite!!

So, after several months, Lloyd and I broke it off and then William (real name) and I started a chat one night. That chat lasted 5 hours, then we talked on the phone for another 3 more! Things were just clicking. He told me that he had already fallen for me from when we were dating before. I didn't really notice it then that he harbored ill-will towards me for being honest and saying I wasn't ready to commit at that time. As far as looks, he wasn't ugly, but he wasn't someone I would have picked off the street either. He wasn't fat nor chubby even, but he definitely had a gut. He was great and very adventurous in the bedroom, so that was a plus...at first.

By this time, a few weeks into dating the second time, we were already planning marriage for February. It was November. We waited a little bit and then told the kids together around Christmas, and then the rest of the family after that. He was all gung-ho to be in the 'daddy' role, which was a big deal to me. He was a little more strict than I cared for and regrettably it took me a while to stand up for my kids. He wasn't abusive, don't get me wrong, but I'm hard enough on them as it is, and he felt they should be Stepford kids. Mind you, he had about five kids of his own, but only had a relationship with one! Yet another red flag.

We had a normal conversation one day, and I casually told him that I was seeing someone else intimately when we were talking before. I reminded him that I did tell him I was seeing other people, but apparently he felt me actually sleeping with someone else was different. As I told him then, it wasn't his business to know. Things went downhill from there. He wasn't sure if he wanted to get married anymore, which was a big deal for me, because I was so caught up in being embarassed by having to say the wedding was off.
My self-esteem and self-worth issues were so out-of-control at the time, I was just "grateful" that he wanted to marry me in the first place! Yeah, I was bad. I told you before about "Why would anybody want to marry the woman with four kids by three different fathers" phenomenon that was going on in my head, didn't I? That caused me to make some bad decisions over the past few years truly. But God saved me from anything worse happening.

Anyway, we went through some really bad times and did some very questionable things in our social life. So much so, that I pray he NEVER gets to pastor his own church anywhere, because (like I feel about my former slumlord) he is a SHAM!! A wolf in sheep's clothing! I pray noone ever has to rely on him for their salvation. He kept trying to make me into this vision of a perfect first lady that he had in his head. I finally felt like he wasn't seeing me for who I was, he was seeing me for who he wanted to make me into. That's not a good feeling. Now, when I met him I had on colored contacts. All of a sudden, as time went on, that changed. "No wife of mine should be wearing colored contacts." Same things for the phony ponies and wigs I wore on occasion. One day, being who I am, I wore my contacts to a bible study he was teaching at my church. He didn't even speak to me the whole night! Wouldn't answer my calls later or anything! So, still trying to be the conformist and to prove my loyalty to him, I tossed them all. My contacts, my wigs, and my ponytails. (Yes, of course I regretted it later.)

The wedding was moved back to June, since we still had issues that needed to be worked out according to him. He was still very bitter over the Lloyd thing. I bought a wedding dress, and even went to my cake tasting with my cousin. I was still trying to live the illusion. One day, I just couldn't take not being seen and loved for who I was anymore. I called it off. The phrase in my mind at the time was from the book of Job. To paraphrase: "That which I have feared the most has come upon me." It wasn't so hard telling people I wasn't getting married. It was a relief actually. He pleaded with me to give it another try, because he could see so much "potential" in me. I told him that was the problem, he needed to just see me.

One night, I don't remember how it happened but he got in a bad way. Very depressed and erratic behavior, very strange questions. Questions like, "Will life insurance pay the beneficiary if the person commits suicide?" Then he reminded me of an event early in his military career that a relationship ended poorly and he ended up with a gun to his head and spent time in the psych ward. He had "logically" decided that he was going to end his life this night, unless I let him come over because he needed "closure". Yeah, it was a lie I'm sure...but considering the fact that I knew he was crazy by now, I didn't want to take a chance. That was the night I talked about when I left the old house that I prayed my kids didn't find me dead in the morning.

I told him how I felt that night when I talked to him the next day, and that sent him reeling again. At that point, I was through though, I didn't care what happened to him. Somewhere along the line, he developed a hate for me, like I was the bad guy in the whole relationship! He sent me an email to brag about how, just 2 months after that crazy night, he had gotten married. He said very mean and hateful things in there about how he never intended to marry me, and blah blah blah. I doubted then that he was actually married, though I knew it could be possible if he found another poor gullible desperate soul as I had been. Seeing his car at that same apartment yesterday confirmed he lied. Good. I hope he is truly miserable. But more than that, I hope he NEVER realizes his dream of starting his own church, for the sake of whatever people's lives he would have influence over. Because I know the things I know about him, I personally feel he needs to "give back" his ordination, if that's even possible.

Yes, he really was that bad.

Yes, I am much stronger, and more confident in the wonderful woman I am now, four kids and all. Don't get me wrong, those poisonous thoughts still get me every now and again, but I make a conscious effort to choke them away. I know who I am, how absolutely fabulous I am, and I know Whose I am! We live and we learn, and we all earn our stripes in different ways. That which does not kill me, ALWAYS makes me stronger!

Iron Man Really Rocked!!

It was totally worth the wait this week (and the $40 total at the theatre) to see it!

After we left there, we went to my younger sister's house. My older brother, Ray, was in town for his birthday, so they were having a dinner celebration for him. We laughed ridiculously, and had a great time. I even ate birthday cake and a little ice cream. The kids were really great too, which they usually are honestly. We stopped at Viv's house to drop off some clothes for her son that my grandmother sent, we stayed and chatted there for about an hour and a half. So by the time we got home, the kids went straight upstairs and crashed!

One eerie thing I noticed on the way to my sister's house. I had to pass PsychoRev's old street, or so I thought it was his "old street". I was sure he would have left the area by now, but I was wrong. AND, although it was a 2 bedroom apartment, I am now convinced he didn't get married as he told me he did the November immediately after we broke up for good. I never believed it anyway, but knowing he still lives in that apartment just confirms it. I guess now that he has popped into my head again, and I am completely emotionally healed from the damage he did (and that I allowed him to do), I can tell that story....

...in the morning. I'm going to bed!

p.s. I carried the microwave cart in the house tonight. All. By. Myself.

Living for the Weekend

First things first: The microwave cart is still in the van.

Okay, now that that's out of the way. I left work a few hours early today. My bff was sweet today asking me how that affects my pay. I am keeping a pretty good watch on it. Today I really only took like an hour and 15minutes unpaid. Who knows? I will probably go my next two weeks paycheck cycle and not take any time off. I am trying to be on top of things. I probably lost about 12 or 13 hours this pay period, which will be a dent, but not drastic. I bet it will be enough to shock me back to reality of taking time off. When it's slow, I can focus on things to do for StarrDom!

They've been laying off people across the hall at full service. Some part timers but some full-timers too. What was shocking is that the other lady who used to work til 6p with me, then went to full service a little too prematurely to get better hours....she was one of the people laid off today!! If she would have just stayed for another month, she would have heard that we were getting new hires. Oh well!

See how God looked out for me?? The ONLY reason I didn't apply for the new positions at Gap was because I was on a written warning, and literally couldn't. Otherwise...that could have been me!!!

Well, I think I am going to lay up on the couch tonight and watch me a movie...any movie. We spent all evening at Grandmother's house. Got a gorgeous comforter set from her, and some clothes and a kickin pair of bootie mules from Mom...plus some more canned goods from grandmother. Tomorrow the plan is to hit the matinee and go see Iron Man. I think it's gonna be really good.

As always, I will let you know.

My Day Off

I took yesterday off work, for no other reason than because they gave it to me...not paid of course! But still, it was great. I went back to my favorite store that morning (Salvation Army Thrift Store) and bought more stuff for the kids, and even a few nice skirts for me. Got a good bunch more clothes, and my grand total was a whopping $24.79!! Go ME! I almost got this Tommy Hilfiger skirt for $2.99, but I changed my mind. What was tempting is that it was a size 9, and it fit just fine!! BUT, the style just wasn't me.

Did you see I said it was a size 9???!!! Okay, just checking!

I laid on the couch and watched Cloverfield. That was a really cool movie, I loved the concept. And to top it off, it was a monster that destroyed Manhattan?? SCORE!!!

I did manage by the end of the day to get all my lessons done for ACP101 with Arise. All that is left now is the final exam. I think I will take that at lunch today...or at least that's the plan. I did eat a little yesterday after all. I ate a BK Croissanwich for breakfast, then ate a homemade pulled pork sandwich (on wheat) for dinner. That was plenty. I wasn't even hungry around lunchtime.

Alright, time to wake the brood and get ready for another exciting day!!


p.s. My microwave cart is still in the van. I'll get it out this evening. I will wait on man only so long, and then I will just do it my darn self! If it takes me 10 minutes to bring it 10 feet, then so be it!