Ever get the feeling you're being pushed away? Maybe it's just PMS, but that's how I feel. Dante came in this weekend and well, let's say we've had MUCH better visits before. This one, I was more like a pit stop or afterthought for him. He stopped in Friday and I took him to get a state ID. We saw each other for a total of maybe 45 minutes. I expected him to come back that night and....well, he did...sort of. If you could call sending a text at 230a to say 'I'm on my way' "night". Thank goodness he had a key, so at least I didn't have to get up.
He was gone by 930a later that morning. Didn't hear from him all day until I get an urgent call to go look for some cousin's drunk-driving girlfriend. Never found her, she had apparently made it home. I guess he called because where she was supposedly located was around the corner from me. Did I get a call later? Did I get a "Goodnight Punkin" text? Nope. I sure as hell didn't get a visit since it was pre-cycle time (which for me is like cycle-time when sex is induced)! I got a "Good Morning Punkin" text at 1030a, to which I replied the same. I text again a bit later and got nothing. Then finally he calls since he was at the house (I was at Leigh's). I came home and asked if he wanted to go get pizza with me and the kids. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep (I expected a no), so we left. Hey, he didn't put any plans on hold for me, so why should I?
We went back a bit later and he was still sleep. He woke up, ate, and then basically told me he was heading back to Memphis. Last I remembered, he was planning to stay a few days at least! I gave him a hug and a peck, wished him safe travels, told him to call when he got home, and that was that.
What would you be thinking at this point? Maybe you've been thinking it all along and I've been the slow one to catch up? Maybe it's PMS, and I could be a little more understanding about the transition he's going through right now. Marine career ending, official divorce only 6 months old, etc, etc. Haven't I been "understanding" enough though, seriously?? I just don't expect after seeing each other for almost two years for him to still be so casual. This guy that I saw this visit, this "I-can-take-her-or-leave-her guy"? Didn't care for him AT ALL. Would be really great to NEVER see him again! Honestly, by the time he was leaving, I was so upset with his regard for me (or lack thereof) this visit that I could barely stand to look at him. (warning: emotions possibly exaggerated by PMS)
One final thought: Is it too much to ask to have somebody love and care for me as much and as passionately as I do for them?
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
August 30, 2009
August 19, 2009
Interesting Few Days
Such ups and downs, mentally and emotionally. And it actually has nothing to do with my relationship with Dante for once! Shocking, I know!
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
August 12, 2009
Funny How Things Happen
Never did talk to Dante that Monday night. He sent me a text early yesterday morning asking was I working. No. So he called a few minutes later. We talked a bit. I mentioned how he didn't talk to me all day and he said he was mad. Are you kidding me? You're getting messy and I call you on it, and you're mad? Of course he never admitted to wrong doing or having anyone there, but I refused to let my intuition be squelched. I do not discount my intuition, it's there for a reason. We had a discussion and he said very palinly that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship when and if he came home. Damn! Did I just get hit in the gut? So after almost two years I suppose he's just gonna be content "hittin' it" when he wants some and spending time if he feels like it?
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.
Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.
Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.
However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.
Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.
August 10, 2009
I Am The Prize
I have to remind myself of that today, and everyday from now on. Today has been very difficult as far as relationships go. I discovered last night that everytime I talked to Dante yesterday, he was mobile. I even tested the theory when he arrived home last night. Before he got to his apartment, he got off the phone with me. He told me he would be fixing him something to eat and headed to bed. It was 930P!!! I even tried to play-pout and ask would he at least call me to say goodnight. He said he couldn't do it. I waited until I knew for sure he was in the house and settled, about 10 min, then I called his cell.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?
Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.
Again I say: I Am The Prize.
What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)
It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.
School Shopping Blows...and other news
For the last two days, I have been clothes shopping for the delightful children. Total, minus shoes? $300!! Ouch!! Payless BOGO starts Tuesday, so that will be even more money. But I am definitely going to try and recoup some from Wayne at least. I finally got my tire fixed yesterday also, at the cost of choir day and choir rehearsal. I am so bummed about that. Not to mention another $200 for 2 tires (yep, just 2) and an oil change.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
August 6, 2009
Summer is Winding Down
It doesn't look like there will be any more trips this summer for us. I'm glad we had such an awesome time at HolidayWorld last month!
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)