20 Minutes till 2009!!!

I talked to the bff extensively today. I told her what I did and how I felt so horrible for it. I told her I still have questions towards Dante as to what we really are. I can't feel like I am "the only one" if there are still others I feel I have to contend with! PLUS, his retort to my fear statement has me completely thrown off kilter!! How am I supposed to feel secure with that!??

I would gladly go under the knife and anesthesia to give him what he desires so much. I loved everything about childbearing, from conception to carrying the baby to even my labor and deliveries. I would gladly do it again...and again after that. BUT, I wonder if the fact that I have 4 children, then plus any we would have may be a little too overwhelming for him. I actually wouldn't think so, but that's because I think very highly of his strength and character. Call me partial that way!

The bff also reminded me today that I perhaps have been selling myself short in this. I always focus on this one thing that I can't do that the others may be able to. But what about all the things I have going for me that would make any man fall at my feet??? She told me to remain open, so that in case he does have to come to me and tell me those dreaded words, I won't be back at square one. Do you have any idea how hard that is to fathom, when all I really want is him??? What she reminded me of with a story she told is the fact that I have his back no matter what. If I can do something or if I can help then I will do it. He knows that fact, as I have proven it plenty of times and will continue to do so. I know that counts in a man's mind, and it's not even an act for me...that's just who I am. I believe the thugs would call me a ride-or-die chick! LOL

I know he appreciates that about me. I know that makes me a lot more unique than a number of women out there. I am quite positive that all my numerous attributes far outweigh any drawbacks that are present! That's what I believe, that's the premise I will work from. My future husband - be it Dante or someone I have yet to know - will be bowled over by those very things!

In the Matchless name of Jesus....... (let everyone say) AMEN!!!!

Happy New Year's Eve

Wow!! Do I need to clear my head up before tonight!!! What a "last night" and morning it has been! I am going to blame part of it on woman's intuition, and the other part on PMS to explain what happens next. Last night I did what I always advise others not to...I went digging. The saying goes: "Seek and ye shall find." I went looking for something on Dante's myspace page. Well between there and looking through his phone (gasp) while he was in the shower...I found it! What did I find you ask? Last night's stuff was purely circumstantial, a picture of him and another woman standing side by side (not even touching). It was the comments under the photo that helped my heart beat abnormally. She responded to someone else's comment about who he was and that's who she's been hiding by saying if they had went to her graduation then they would know who he was. As I said purely circumstantial stuff. But wait! There's more!!

Then today, his phone was left unlocked after he went to the shower and -completely AGAINST my better judgement- I looked through the text messages. Not much, but then I recognized a name as one I saw long ago, when I saw the "Are you okay baby?" text message when he spent the weekend with me and the kids. So I looked at the history of that conversation and was disturbed by the 'good morning pet name' messages I saw. Then it bothered me that, after asking me if I could get groceries for him before he heads back to Memphis and me agreeing, he tells this person when she asked about him needing groceries that his SISTER would be getting them for him on her link card! Yes, you are correct, that is suspect. That's when my pressure rose and I tried to begin calming myself down.

He came in the room and I couldn't even fake it. When he played 20 questions and found out the person I was mad at was him, he automatically knew it had something to do with his phone. I felt like shit for even admitting I had looked through it...because to me that's a huge breach of trust. He said he wasn't angry but I could tell he was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. I sincerely apologized for doing what I did. I told him what I found and asked about it (didn't tell him about the sister comment). He reminded me that I am well aware that he talks to other women and he has not hidden that from me. He reminded me that this vacation he has spent the vast majority of his time here with me, to which I agreed. Basically he turned the tables from me being mad at him to him being mad at me...or at least at the fact that I felt I had to do that. Yes, I know. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Yes, I did let it slide. No, I don't know why.

Why can't I be one of those women that get mad and holler and cuss and fuss? The men seem to looove them, and it seems to work too! But me? No. I'm way too classy for such antics and theatrics! The most you may get out of me is watery eyes and the knowledge that I am pissed off beyond all recognition.

So, I told him that it worries me sometimes. I told him that my biggest fear is that he will come to me one day and tell me 'I care about you, but I found someone else I want to be with...and she can have children.' You know what didn't help that baring-my-soul moment? Him saying that that was his biggest fear also...that he would have to say that to me one day! Wow, yeah..I feel sooooo much better now. Thanks Punkin! ;-) Honesty rocks! (seriously, I wouldn't want it any other way. better honest now than caught in a big ass lying mess later)

I don't know what the hell to do right now. But I know for damn sure that I will not come into the new year in a state of confusion! I am determined! I heard Kanye West's Stronger in the car on the way back from Wallyworld. That's a favorite pump up song of mine! Then when I got back home, I changed my yahoo status message to this:

"Just Love and Let Go. Sometimes it's worth the heartbreak!"

There is nothing else I can do in this situation but continue to trust God over all, and know that He has my best interest at heart...even when noone else does (including myself)!!!

Christmas Was Great

Merry Belated Christmas to everyone! I hope yours was lovely! This went went a lot smoother than last year in the whole trying to be Santa Claus part! I made sure they were sleep and got everything where it needed to be BEFORE I went to bed for the night! Dante came through big time (again) with toys for them, and I was able to buy them each something else from their Christmas lists that they wanted. Starr got the bike she has wanted for such a long time (that her father never got). So Dante gets BIG kudos from the family (and the bff) for that! He has such a big heart, I just wish sometimes I knew how much of me was in there. But that's another story...

Anyway, he got into town before Christmas and is able to stay until after New Year's so that's exciting! Though, because he says he's going to church, I won't be able to spend that night with him. It's been really great having him here though. We have spent a pretty good amount of time together. We went to the movies the other day while Leigh watched all the children for me. Then we came home and ate some Talayna's lasagna, which he absolutely LOVES. He has spent several nights here and we have just really enjoyed our time together. I haven't heard those three words again though. That sometimes makes me wonder, was it something he really meant to say...perhaps it really was the alcohol and "activities" that made him say it. Ah well, only time will tell I suppose.

Anyhow, we spent Christmas at The Officer's house, even though she had to work as usual. As a correctional officer, her schedule is M-F 645a-3p...PERIOD!! Regardless of what holiday it is. We had a great time there. It was really good this year. It sometimes make me sad, because seeing as Grandmother is 87 years old...I wonder how much longer we will have her at our gatherings. Blessedly, the women in our family can live to be pretty "up there", so we may have quite a few more years at this rate! :-) I really didn't do any shopping for anyone outside the kids this year. I just didn't really have it to spare, trying to make sure the bills are paid is what matters most. My phone was acting up, and I misconnected with Wayne that day, he wanted to come by and see Starr for Christmas. Oops! Mind you, he hasn't made it since then either!

New Year's Eve is just around the corner. I can say that, although I am not where I want to be right now (especially financially), I can definitely see the strides I have made since last year this time! For that I feel blessed. I have made some mistakes this year, of which I will forgive myself for and move on. Most importantly, I will allow myself to trust God more and follow His lead instead of my own. I believe that single decision will help me achieve my business goals in record time this year!

Because I have some things on my mind and heart right...and because I am PMSing...I will end this post now before it becomes very neagtive and depressing. God Bless and Keep you til the end of all time!

It's Almost Here

Yes, in a few days it will be Christmas! I finally put up the tree this evening! Still needs decorating, but it's a prelit tree, so that kinda helps! I even put a few red velvet bows on the outside railing, so now me and my duplex-mate match! I also rearranged my living room today as well. Oh no, this was not a minor switching-of-the-couch-and-loveseat kinda change. This was an everything-that-can-be-moved-will-be-moved kinda change! I am well pleased with it.

Whaddaya mean "Who helped me"?!?!?! Did you not see the name of this blog?

SOLOMOMMY, thankyouverymuch!

Okay, okay...the kids helped a little. They moved the toys that were in the corner out of the living room, and DJ sweep-vac'd the floor (which is his daily job anyway). But all the furniture moving and carrying of 32" TVs (old school, not flat-panel) from one room to the next was ALL ME!! Why yes...I am very proud of that!

Went to church this morning, then to Aldi to pick up a few things. That was all I could manage, considering it was like 13degrees outside with a windchill of -10 degrees to go with it!! Church was great this morning, I am really getting into it there. Last Sunday I arrived just in time to completely miss praise and worship, so I was a bit bummed about that. But I made it in time today, plus got to hear the message about "The Indescribable Gift of Christmas is Jesus Christ".
Came home and kind of lounged. There is an actual ton of laundry to do, but since I have to go outside to access the basement where the washer and dryer are there was none done today!! I'm also in the process of giving this place a good once-over clean & clutterwise too. I have quite a bit to see the goodwill tomorrow already, and will likely have more.

I did a little Christmas shopping with my sister Leigh yesterday. I ended scoring stocking stuffers and decorations mostly. Plus, I got Starr the art set she wanted and a couple of paper pads too. The "real" paper pads, like one specifically for watercolors and the other that's best for "dry media". She really is a good artist, and I want to continue to feed that in her. As far as toys go, what a blessing for Dante to have gotten so many things from their Christmas list this year! I hardly have to buy anything, which is a plus cause I won't have money til the day after Christmas! lol

He was even able to procure Starr a bike from a local bike drive they had. Yes, in case you are wondering, these gifts came from the US Marine Corps Toys for Tots program. No, I don't feel bad or like I'm abusing the privilege because of who he is. Honestly, had it not been for him, my kids Christmas wouldn't be so great at all. So, what I do feel is divinely blessed to have him in my life to do this for my children. But, I'll tell you a little secret. My prayer to God was that I could be a giver next year instead a receiver. And you know what? I believe God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as it follows in line with His perfect will for our lives.

My Punkin will be here in a few days, and I can hardly wait! Just being in his embrace after a little time away is like a cold glass of water after a terribly long drought! Or better yet:

Take a deep breath in and hold it for a second. Now exhale slowly and completely, letting your shoulders and body relax in the process.

Feel that?

That's what's it's like in my Punkin's arms for me!

I really am falling, aren't I?

A Mellow Day

Didn't do my usual running today. Bruzer and I hit a couple stores, then ate Chick-Fil-A at the mall (on an entertainment book coupon, of course). We were home by 1p, where I lounged at the computer until it was time to pick up the kids. They get out half an hour early on Wednesday...every Wednesday. I am pretty good at remembering though, it just means I have to cut my day a little shorter than usual.

CGR and I had a great talk today. Seems things are going better for him and the girlfriend. Even though she's not my favorite person, as long as she makes him happy I'm okay with her. I even admitted to him today that I can say I leaning toward the "in love" category when it comes to Dante. Yes, I did say it just that cryptically!! I just feel a lot more comfortable letting myself go knowing that he is doing the same. I know it's not all the way yet, but it is definitely different than before. And I am most assuredly enjoying it too!!

I've been watching old episodes of Bones this evening, between cooking dinner and chatting with Jerome. I don't mention him much on here, but I talk to him pretty much every day. He's really a sweet guy, not much into the club scene or for being around a lot of people. He usually has a wandering eye, but this woman he's involved with now definitely has his heart. What I do know for sure is if he would have strayed, he would have told me! I'm basically the closest thing he has to a best friend! They have been together for almost 9 months now, and it hasn't been easy but they keep trying. No knock-down, drag-out fights or infidelity or anything like that. They're just trying to work through subtle differences, as we all do when we truly desire couplehood.

I ordered more books from Karen Kingsbury last night on Amazon. Don't worry, no spending frenzy alert needed. My total -with shipping- was $13 for 3 books!! I went into the Christian bookstore at the mall today and got 3 books by Michelle McKinney-Hammond. I am very excited to read those, and will give reviews as I do.

That's it for today, I'm headed to the bath now and bed later!

Still a bit melancholy

Time to get myself in line with what God wants me to do. I can't be any other way. My way doesn't work. Period. I get caught up in the wrong things and it takes my focus off what I should be doing. Where does that get me?

Nowhere!

Well, I say No Mas!! I have to start taking the advice I am giving out to everyone else right now. This is the only life we get, we need to live it to the fullest with as few regrets as possible!

My turn.

I am going to try to set a schedule for my blogging of Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. We'll see if that will keep me consistent like I want to be. Time will tell, right?

p.s. Can you tell I am REALLY melancholy right now?? More to come...

I Saw Him Today...

My father that is. I was reading a wonderful book by a Christian author named Karen Kinsgbury titled One Tuesday Morning last night. I was just finishing up, and was very emotional. Then one of the characters said something about seeing his father that he hadn't seen in years because life is too short, I thought about mine.

So I course I knew it was only God Who could've crossed our paths the next morning!

The sad thing is, we were just 2 cars passing on the road, but I saw him and he didn't see me. Still when the words left my so naturally saying, 'Wow, that was my father. I'm gonna have to go see him soon', I lost it!! Before I knew it, there were tears welling up in my eyes. I was breaking down fast.

I thought I was over that man. I thought just shutting him out of my life was working. Then when I found out he had throat cancer, I even accepted the fact that he would not be alive much longer. It was a bit of a relief because then I wouldn't have to deal with it for too much longer. But seeing him just brought it all back. The monumental disappointment and hurt and heartbrokeness that has evolved into anger after so many years...it's back. I can't even say I love him, I am so pissed at him for screwing me up the way he did! For making me feel never good enough. For showing me that I didn't mean more to him than someone else's child did. For us never having any kind of real relationship. Just anger is all that remains. So my logic is, if the mere existence of someone makesyou feel bad everytime you see them, then you cut them out of your life. Who wants to voluntarily be mad and hurt and disappointed, you know??

I now realize that God doesn't want me to just bury the pain, He wants me to be released from it. I now know that the only way that can happen is for me to confront him and tell him how he has made me feel all these years. That is probably going to be the hardest conversation I have ever had to have. But there is one thing I know for sure: I can all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

I have only one expectation out of this talk: that I will be free. I don't expect (or even believe) that the relationship can/will change between us. That worked for the bff...but she also got the (great) stepfather that I never did too, so I know better than to expect that. I just want to have said what I need to say to the person that caused me pain and then move on. If I decide to talk to him or still see him after that point, that will be fine too. Whatever God tells me to do, because that's the Father that I know has my best intentions at heart.

Fatigue

I have been so tired the last couple of days. I will drudge through the day and then be ready to pass out by late afternoon, only to get my second wind about 9p when I should be headed to bed!!

I made my "Hancock Spaghetti" last night for the kids, and they loved it! If you haven't seen the movie, Jason Bateman's character and his family have spaghetti and these monster-sized meatballs every Thursday for dinner. I told the kids I could probably do that, since they asked me to. Well, after about a week of stalling, I finally made it. The meatballs were good too! I mixed ground sirloin and ground turkey together, and that gave it a nice consistency. Dinner was followed by the most decadent piece of pie ever! I bought it at Sam's on Saturday, a Caramel Apple Nut creation! YUM!!

Tonight I made chili with the remaining sirloin and turkey I had cooked last night. I put it in the crock pot this morning (or late last night), so it's been going all day. Made buttered rolls and topped with shredded cheddar for the kids, they loved it. Then we had pie again, but this time I warmed it and added Dulce de Leche ice cream on top! None for me though, I just had pure whipped cream on mine instead!

I am feeling a bit melancholy too. I know why though, and it will pass. Gotta get this business rolling. Need to start believing in myself and my business as much as I believe in others' business ventures!!!

Going to bed! Better days are around the corner, I'm sure of that!!

The Last Month of 2008

It has begun...the last month of 2008 is officially here. Almost time to start anew again for 2009. Time to reflect on what was accomplished this year. Time to review what learned. Time to reveal the dreams of tomorrow.

Are you ready? I am.

My life has taken such turns this year, even I couldn't have predicted it! Who would've guessed that in the very middle of 2008 I would be laid off?? Who would've guessed that instead of my BD, ie. Can't Get Right, and I being together, we were more like best friends? Who would've guessed that a passionate but allegedly casual fling between Dante and I would be positioned to go to new levels? And on top of that, I have been enlightened so much this year about myself and about life and about what I want out of life and how to get it and....well I could go on and on.

Let me say that - though Thanksgiving is past - I am so grateful for this year! I may not be financially where I want to be but, this was definitely my skyscraper year! The foundation was laid last year when things were so very low for me. This year, the steel frame has been put in place. Next year, the rest of the structure will be added to the frame! By next year's end, I want the finishing touches to be "prettying up" the interior of this beautiful skyscraper that not I built, but that God built!! When this project is done, everyone will see God in the glory, not me! That is my prayer.

These Three Words

My Punkin told me those magic words for the first time Thanksgiving night! I didn't say anything to him about it that night! I wasn't really expecting it from him. Plus, though I know him better than this, he had drank a little AND we were "in the middle of something". I say I know him better because he and I are alike in the way that we are always thinking. There is no "caught up in the moment" and then something just slips out that we don't mean. So when he said it, my first reaction was "What?" to which he repeated it again. I told him "I know" instead of saying "I love you too"!

I know! Retarded yes? I was caught off guard, sue me!!

If it's any consolation, I did say it the next morning to him. No he didn't say it back either! lol

So, fast forward to this morning, when I asked him about it. I coyly asked him if he said it due to the alcohol or due to being caught up in the heat of the moment! He said it wasn't the alcohol to which I replied it was just the heat of the moment. I asked him did he mean it, and he looked at me and said he did. He reminded that he wouldn't have said it if he didn't. So we talked about that and I got some things off my chest that have been bothering me lately. I realized that while I was talking to my BD and my BFF about it, I should have been talking to him. I feel better now for having told him how I feel. I do honestly know that, at some point during this year that we've been "together", he has "been with" someone else. Call it woman's intuition if you will, but I know what I know.

Recently I was in a situation that, for the first time since I had my last deluded thoughts of a relationship with Can't Get Right, caused me to question whether I was on the right path. I was actually getting confused and torn about which way to go. I still think I am a "rebounder" to the other person (though he disagrees wholeheartedly). But, I came to realize that while this person is local and wants to spend as much time with me and the kids as he can, and wants that relationship leading to marriage, and just (allegedly) loves me and wants to make me a top priority in his life.... I didn't want that from him! I WANT IT FROM DANTE!!

I also know that Dante has gone out on dates and things of that nature with other women since he's been in Memphis, and that's fine with me. Of course, I would rather it not go any further than that, but I have a bit of my mother's realism in me too. If he's not doing anything "extra" now, it's because he did it before. No, my actions have nothing to do with that theory. However, I was getting to the point that I didn't want to feel like I was the fool by saving all my love for someone who was keeping me around as a back-up while he searched for Ms. Right. Yes, that was dramatic, but it's who I am so deal with it!! And Yes also, I really did kinda feel that way at times. SO, by not wanting to put any pressure on Dante by talking to him about how I was feeling, I failed by allowing someone else into a door that's been closed for a long time now. Have no fear! I am much better now. I just have to remember my own advice to others about communication being the most important thing in a relationship. Especially important in this long-distance relationship as well!

We still have a ways to go before we can really get to that ultimate goal of marriage, but I can't think of anyplace else I want to be!

I Told Him

It was VERY hard to do, but I told Dante about the other guy. We had a very good talk as a matter of fact. But there's a part of me that's now wondering if it really was the right thing to do. I mean, he just finally told me he loved me for the first time a few days ago, and then I spring this on him!

Perhaps he will retreat to protect himself from being hurt?
Perhaps he will be a little more open to connecting with someone there now?

I let him know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I had made my decision. That I wanted to be with him, and I liked the way things were between us. I honestly do.

I have already ended things with the other person. So while we will still be working together, it will be business only. If he cannot handle that, or if it will be a problem, then we can go our separate ways. Perhaps I can then concentrate on my own business again! Most of the things I am doing for him right now are as a friend. Also because I am good at this stage of business! Once someone else has begun the execution process, I can take the ball and run with it! But it's the execution process for me that is so difficult, so I find it easy to jump on someone else's bandwagon. May as well go get a job if that's how I want to be!!

Anyway, I'm glad I trusted my friend and kept our communication as it had been: Open. Yes, I am still a little worried about whether his reaction will change to unfavorable conditions. BUT, at first I was worried about not making the mistake of choosing the wrong person. Can't Get Right gave me the best advice about that: Do what's best for ME, not either guy. I want Dante mind, body, and soul! I am attracted to him for who he is, not what he wants to give me. I want him, I love him, I can't get enough of him!

Now, if only we can bring the kids into our little world more. Perhaps that will be a January visit to Memphis for us...

Getting Back in the Habit Is Hard!

So I was supposedly going to be really catching up with my blogging, huh? That worked out well didn't it? :-)

Thanksgiving was nice. We did the usual, potluck-style dinner that we always do. It was at my aunt's house this year. We rotate between houses, mine hasn't been on the list yet though. But man, when it is my turn... I'll be ready!

I have so much to say, I just don't where to start honestly! My business isn't any further along than it was before. I am still stuck mentally!! I have gotten involved with an old friend from high school's new business. He is opening a wrestling training center and fitness gym for those seriously interested in working out. He spent 5 years in the WWF (now known as WWE), plus has multiple World KickBoxing Titles to his credit. He definitely has the credentials and the heart, plus he also has God helping him fulfill this dream as well. Honestly I have been doing more running around helping him in the last couple of weeks than I have done for my own in the last several months!

Yes. It is really sad. I know.

I did design a new color brochure for my business. I am very pleased with it! I bought ink and paper, as I will be printing them off myself. Guess all that's left is distribution, huh?

Yeah, yeah....I'm almost there!

The Belle of the Ball

That’s right! SoloMommy was a grown woman for a change, and not just someone’s mommy or taxi driver!
Well, since it was held in Memphis, I was faced with the usual dilemma: babysitting! I thought I had it solved when Aggie volunteered her services…provided she could off the schedule at work. Unfortunately she works at a hotel and weekends are part of the deal. This particular weekend was a no-go. So back to the drawing board, but I was adamant about NOT asking Leigh to do it! After the restrictions last visit, it was just too much. So, I came up with a brilliant plan. DJ was to go with his paternal grandparents, Bruzer was going to stay with my mom, and the girls were going to stay w/ my sister The Officer. I don’t usually ask her, but I figured that would be fine since her girls are the same age and they could keep each other company.
YAY!!! It worked! I was able to leave on Friday and didn’t feel rushed to get back on Sunday! WooHoo! So on to the evening:
My Punkin was in San Diego last week, and was scheduled to arrive at 1140P. I volunteered to pick him up from the airport, so I was determined to be on the road by 7p. I made good time, and just as I was pulling into the cell phone lot at the airport, he called. We headed to his place to get settled in. The next day he had to go to rehearsal for the event. Meanwhile I had to go search for shoes, since I had none to match. When I got back, I started getting ready, and he came in shortly afterward. We kinda took it easy for a while, then started getting dressed. It was that ‘time of the month’, so no s-e-x was going on that weekend. Sucks, I know!!
We got to the event and had a great time. We took a couple of snapshots at the house, then we took formal pictures at the event. He took a separate one by himself, then we took a photo together. It was a nice ceremony and dinner as well. I ate my very first medium rare steak! It was bleu cheese and black pepper topped…very, very good! After the event, everyone went downtown to Beale Street to a club to hang out. A couple of people changed clothes before they came out but most stayed in their formal attire. We really had a great time.
We got home about 130a and he cooked some mussels for us and we played a TV game. Then we finally went to bed around 3a. We woke up around 7a and just kind of laid in bed watching TV and enjoying each other’s company. It was such a nice weekend, we are already planning my next visit…hopefully Aggie can watch them this time, since it will be so soon!

My Internet Has Been Restored!!

Ha! I made that sound like it wasn't the fact that the bill wasn't paid, didn't I? Well that's where I've been, so I know I've got some major catching up to do too!

It;s that time of year again...

Swapping out the summer clothes for the winter ones. I get depressed right about now because, frankly, I despise winter!! It's just that simple! I don't like being cold...Period! And no amount of snuggling or hot chocolate or any of that other BS people say will change that for me!

It is so windy outside today, that means cold air is coming. I finally broke down a couple of days ago and turned on the heat inside. I knew I was being ridiculous when I was sitting at the computer typing and had to keep stopping and blowing into my hands to warm them up! Mind you, it doesn't take much for my hands to get cold, if that's any consolation.

So times are pretty interesting right now. Bills are piling up a bit, but the major ones are covered so that's what matters. I mean really, who's bills aren't looking bad right now? But you know what? My mindset has changed drastically, and I am ready to overcome so that I can reach the level that I want to be at.

I went to one of my former co-worker's house on Friday night and just to see my kids reactions told me what I really wanted. Her house was very large and in a pretty new subdivision. Huge rooms, on a cul-de-sac, 3 car garage...you know the drill. But, I know where she works and how much she makes, and that she doesn't have to work so the husband must make pretty decent money. But you know, not too long, that house would have been a "dream house" for me. Something I could only wish for. Not anymore. That type of house is my goal. That's what I want my first house to be, and not very far from now either.

I can see it clear as day, and that's something I couldn't see before. Progress as promised!!

Learning Curves Suck!

So, I've been ebaying the past week or so. Just decided to make a profit off some of the items I have around here that are in too good a shape to just "give away". Well, all I can say is this learning curve is a Bitch! Here's what's happened so far:

I started out my auctions too low (trying to save a few cents off the listing fee), and they sold at that ultra low starting price!

I didn't exclude international on one, and underquoted the shipping charges.

One pair of Skechers boots from Starr sold pretty good, about $15 plus S&H...thank goodness.

DJ's Skechers casuals sold for the .99 starting price - to Canada - and I ended up paying $5 MORE to ship this item than the buyer paid me altogether!

What have I learned from this fiasco? Nothing outside of the US at this point. Start your auction at the lowest price you are willing to accept. Check, double-check, then recheck your auction before and right after listing!

Just thought I'd share that with you!

One of the best Blonde Jokes I've heard...

Yes, we've all heard a few 'dumb blonde' jokes in our life. If you haven't you've been under a rock!
This is by far one of the funniest I've heard:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.


She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces

into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ...'

He said with a deep sigh,





'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

Tyler Perry Makes History

I hadn't read this story before, it came out a few weeks ago. But, how wonderful! What an inspiration to all of us! I really like what he says about Oprah, I'll put it in bold:

History was made Saturday night, when Tyler Perry became the first African-American ever to launch his own major TV and film studio.

But that wasn't the only reason Will Smith was tipping his hat to Perry at the gala Atlanta event in the old Delta Airlines headquarters [ WOW! ] that now serve as Perry's studio.

"I admire most that he can be that tall and wear a white suit," said Smith, 40, never to waste a punch line. "I usually have to avoid white. At this height, you don't tend to look sexy in white suits, but he pulled it off."

The same could be said when it came to Perry's impressive guest list, which brought out the top names from past and present Hollywood and other spheres of influence: Oprah Winfrey, Sidney Poitier, Ruby Dee, Cicely Tyson, Louis Gossett, Jr., Holly Robinson Peete, Tracey Edmonds, music mogul L.A. Reid, singer John Legend, America's Next Top Model winner Eva Pigford, not to mention baseball legends Hank Aaron and Barry Bonds – among others.

And Oprah Cried

"I spent 56 years making movies and this is the reward that I have that means the most to me," said Poitier, 81, the first African-American to win a Best Actor Oscar, for 1963's Lilies of the Field.

A New Orleans native with a troubled childhood, Perry, 39, credited all of his guests with inspiring his life. Of Winfrey, who attended the celebration with longtime beau Stedman Graham and best friend Gayle King, Perry said, "She owns her life. I am learning that. I never would have shown this to people a few years ago. I was embarrassed by the success."

As a large cast of attendants passed around champagne and tissues for the teary-eyed (who were many), Perry shared his rags-to-riches story over a large video screen that eventually gave way to a live singer and band delivering "The Impossible Dream," followed by a fireworks display. Mary J. Blige, Patti Labelle and Gladys Knight also treated guests to separate performances.

At one point, Perry unveiled a special surprise for veteran trailblazers Poitier, Dee and Tyson: each now has a soundstage named after him and her.

"Is this my wall?" joked Poitier – as Winfrey dissolved into tears.

Tide of Change

All joking aside, it was Will Smith who best summed up Perry's accomplishment and the tide of change taking place in America today.

"This is an American first, and the first in the universe," said the I Am Legend star. "There is something happening in America and in the world that's powerful. He is not letting anyone get in his way.

"Those are the wonderfully naïve, arrogant, humble, powerfully American concepts that make things powerful in this country. It's big."

Self-Worth

I am going through some things that are helping me to break free of past mental mindsets. One of the things I discovered about myself came today while talking to the bff. I was thinking about my past conditioning when it came to being given money - especially by men. Here's what happened:

I was dating ('going with' was the term back then) this guy named DeWayne who was a few years older than me. It was the summer between sophomore and junior year for me, and he had just graduated high school. Because of this, my mom looked at him as a "grown man". All was well until he gave me a silver necklace. Not a gold necklace, but a probably $20 silver necklace! She honestly didn't want me to take it from him. And you wanna know what she said about it? Listen to this seed she planted:
"If he is giving that to you, what does he expect from you in return?"

WOW!! You may not see it, but boy I do! That seed, plus listening to conversations over the years with my family, took root. Over time, it turned into an 'ownership' thing. You know, the man would think he owned you by giving you money. My personal favorite (and my sometimes motto) was "It's just another way of prostituting"! That's why I couldn't just take the gesture that Dante made as simple kindness for a friend. I knew he wouldn't throw it back in my face, or feel like he owned me or anything. But I instantly felt indebted to him because of it. And while to him it was a gift, I absolutely insisted that I would pay him back.

The chapter in the book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, which I am reading now is talking about the art of receiving. This was something I always had problems with. Compliments, no big deal, but actually receiving money from people (namely men) was a big deal to me. Of course another big part of it had to do with my level of self-worth. It's a tough thing to admit, but my past and present speak for themselves. My self-worth has been pretty low, as far as monetarily. I mean as in what I believe I am worth - to be paid, to charge for my services, etc. It's a struggle, but I am winning finally! The battle is almost over because I have identified both the problem and the root cause! Victory is mine...

More revelations as they progress!

Blessings and Breakthroughs!

What a divine day! I finally had a very important lesson sink in! And I truly believe this will send my life into the direction that I have wanted for so long!

You know, I am only 34 years old...will be 35 in less than a month. I feel so blessed that I am finding these things out about myself now rather than in my fifties or sixties...or never! As G.I. Joe would say: Knowing is half the battle! I can truly pinpoint some very important factors that are holding me back in life and in doing so, I can correct them!

That most assuredly puts me on the upswing in my life! I wish I could say more, but this is even too personal for my blog right now. It's one of those that will have to been seen rather than talked about, you know?

God is so wonderful!

Sarah Palin...Just as Catty as I Suspected!

This story was released on the AP today:

Legislative panel: Palin abused authority

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A legislative committee investigating Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has found she unlawfully abused her authority in firing the state's public safety commissioner.

The investigative report concludes that a family grudge wasn't the sole reason for firing Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan but says it likely was a contributing factor.

The Republican vice presidential nominee has been accused of firing a commissioner to settle a family dispute. Palin supporters have called the investigation politically motivated.

Monegan says he was dismissed as retribution for resisting pressure to fire a state trooper involved in a bitter divorce with the governor's sister. Palin says Monegan was fired as part of a legitimate budget dispute.

Mysterious Ways...

Got a call from the bff today. Very quick call because she has been pretty busy at work. Glad she's doing okay. It could be coincidence (or - more likely - God calling me out on what I said the last post about feeling envy), but I thought it odd that she mentioned how upset it makes her when people are jealous of her other friends. She said she rebuked that because it was not a fruit of the Spirit. Then she said she doesn't belong to anyone. Coincidence??

Now, in no way do I disagree, and I checked myself about it already. I felt that I was being childish. I have no ill will towards Meda (the lady she stays with when she's here). Was happy to see her and hugged her with no reservations. But I wanted to be honest with myself too, and that's why I let the word be exposed in written form. Because you know what? If she comes to St. Louis and doesn't see me at all, that's her right to do so! The fault is not hers, it's mine. I pray to God to remove any remnants of envy in my heart, because it's a negative and unfruitful emotion...and that is NOT of God in any way.

So all is well in my world. As I stated in the last post, it's a cut-and-dry situation, it is what it is. When she comes to town, she stays with Meda, she hangs with Meda, she spends most of her time socializing with Meda. That's the way it is and I am 100% fine with that...because it's her choice and that's apparently what makes her happy, which is what matters most.

Life is a process, we learn more everyday. The key, however, is applying what we've learned.

Relentless!!!

The Joyce Meyer Women's Conference was this past weekend, and I really enjoyed it! WOW!!! I really, really enjoyed it! I got so much out of it! It was just things that I needed to hear. My bff came into town and we went together to 4 out of 5 conferences. She didn't make it to the one Saturday morning where Lisa Bevere spoke, and I almost didn't running late. But, I really loved her! She helped stoke my passion to learn to ride a motorcycle again! She even showed us a picture of her Ninja bike! I was soooo envious!

I didn't get to see the bff outside of the conference, since she was staying with her friend in St. Louis. There was a twinge of envy, but I really didn't get upset because that's how I expected it to be. I guess after that situation last year around my birthday having turned out so awfully, who can blame me!? I mean, point blank, when she comes here she stays with her...and that's that. She rants and raves about her daughter did this and said that. A little part of me always wonders if she ever does that to other people with my kids. Such as life, it is what it is!

Anyway, back to the subject...Creflo Dollar was on fire Thursday night! Joyce spoke both sessions on Friday. I caught the MetroLink over there everyday but Thursday. Now, don't get me wrong. Just because I went to this conference doesn't mean I was off the hook with the taxi service! I went to the 10a session after I dropped the kids off, came back and got lunch, picked up the kids, then headed back over there for the 7p session. It was so worth it...SO WORTH IT!!! I will be an "every year attendee" from this point on! Yolanda Adams and Darlene Zsesch (sp) were the praise and worship performers. My prayer was that I not lose that fire and passion for Christ that I had there. That I not lose that burning desire to never give up...to be Relentless!!

So far, so good!

In other news, my sweetie is feeling better. He's on the upswing, which makes me happy because he was definitely at the top of my prayer list. Kids are doing great in school. Mid-term grades look excellent!

Oh yeah, on a personal note...I cut my hair! I cut about 3 inches off. It was damaged, and I needed it done...and more importantly, I needed that change! I am happy I did it, very happy! Now, I will continue to take care of it like I always knew how, and watch it grow like weeds! I should see healthy armpit-length hair by my birthday 2009!

Going back on South Beach to get down to 170 too. I think I would be very happy with 170 toned, especially for my height. My punkin doesn't want me too thin, and it's not like I would even be considered "thick" now. I like the way I looked and felt when I first lost the weight back in April. I think I ended up at about 181 then, so 11 more pounds won't be that drastic! My punkin is not as assured however! That was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment I had going on then...and I want that back!

There is nothing I cannot do with God and my side. If God be for me, who can be against me? (Translation: If God is for me, it doesn't even matter who's against me...because I am already victorious!)

I made a promise before God, Joyce Meyer, my bff, and about 10,000 other women to Never Give Up!!! I meant it. I can't break a promise to God...

Fear Conqueror: One at a Time

So, somewhere along the lines I got afraid to express my true feelings. Especially to Dante. I mean really, who want to take the risk of exposing themselves and it doesn't get reciprocated? We've all seen the comedies: "I love you Brad." "Uh yeah, me too."

Who wants that in real life? But you know what? WE only get one go around in this life, and why have any regrets? Life is entirely too short to NOT tell people how we feel about them. This applies to family too, you know. My sisters and my mom all end our conversations with "luv you", but it has become a little commonplace - though we absolutely mean it. So every now and then, we will make a specific statement to let one another know how we feel.

So, then there was another elephant in my proverbial living room that I had to face. Not hinting around to it, but actually telling Dante that I loved him. We talked about this long ago, and he told me that's something he's pretty serious about. You know, not saying those three words unless he truly means it. So, Miss Quick-to-fall has been pretty reserved about her feelings for him. For the most part of this almost 1 year relationship (October 17,2007 is when we met in person), I have refused to even acknowledge to myself that feelings of love could be there.

That is called living in fear. I have let fear consume me in too many areas of my life for far too long now. I will NOT be fear's prisoner anymore! (Sometimes, I wonder if I really told New Guy enough that I loved him - or at all)

Today my Punkin had a pretty rough day. Something happened that really threw him off his rocker. I don't think I have ever seen him that way, and I tell you I hated to see him leave. I just wanted him to stay with me so I could just hold him and love on him. You know what that's like, right? Well anyway, I was laying on his chest while we were sitting on the couch. I looked up into his face and right into his eyes and said, "I Love You, you know." "He looked back at me for a few moments, and with all sincerity said, "I know."

You know what? I was okay with that answer! Because I for darn sure didn't want him to tell me because he felt obligated. This way, I know when and/or if he does say, he will truly mean it. PLUS, I didn't do it just for reciprocation either. I said it because I meant it, and no other reason but that!

Let's see what's next on my Fear Conquering list! I'll keep you posted on my next victory when it happens!!

Surprise, Surprise!

I had a headache yesterday, so I went to bed pretty early (like 1030P). I sent Dante a text message to tell him my head was hurting and I was going to bed. He told me earlier when we talked that he was going over to his cousin's house to hang out. When he got my text message, he called me to make sure I was really okay. Then he said he was still out and told me he would call me later to check on me. He knows (and I reminded him) that if he calls, I will answer. I made that agreement long ago, and it works for us.

So, about 230a, Starr comes in to tell me she thinks there's a spider on the wall. She didn't really wake me, since I wasn't sleeping well due to the headache. I went upstairs to double and found nothing, so I went potty and got back in the bed. About 5 minutes later he called me to check on me again, and said he was on his way home. He asked was I asleep, to which I honestly replied 'no' and told him what happened. Then, out of the blue, there was a knock on my front door! I heard it in stereo, because I could hear knocking on the phone with him! My sweetie was at the door!! Talk about a very pleasant surprise!!

We slept off and on throughout the night. What was funny was I had just told him while we were on the phone that I missed laying on his chest while I slept, and a few minutes later, there he was!! So I got to snuggle and cuddle all night with my sweetie!! That's just what the doctor ordered! Perhaps we'll see each other tonight after the Gateway Classic (and subsequent partying) is over. I did invite him to church with me tomorrow as well. He told me he would let me know later, depending on his level of hangover-ness!

Great start to the weekend, huh?!

Politics Posting

Warning: If you really believe the economy is "fundamentally strong", love the thought of a "pitbull with lipstick", and are ok with a 'regular guy' wearing $500 loafers and being unsure of how many houses he owns....this is where you should stop reading!

So riddle me this: Who wants a president that can handle more than one thing at a time? Please raise your hands. (solo-mommy raises her hand) So then someone explain to me why John McCain wants to cancel the debates again? I mean, surely we can't be in an economic crisis now Sen. McCain! According to you and your prez, the economy is strong! Now, all of a sudden 6 weeks before the election, you want to suspend campaigning to focus on a bipartisan solution to this crisis?? I don't who told you that was a good idea, but you should have gotten a few outside opinions! As a solo-mommy (ie, President and Commander-in-Chief of my home), it is imperative that I am multi-tasking at all times. As a matter of fact, I don't know that I could turn it off if I wanted to! I can cook, clean, oversee homework, watch a show, and surf online...all pretty much simultaneously. So why can't McCain work on this issue AND campaign for president?

And Please don't get me started about this bailout that could still net these crooked-, greedy-, and shady-ass CEOs millions for running their companies into the ground!!!!

Lots Going On...

I have been pretty inconsistent lately in writing, mainly because I have so much going on in my head. But I will at least give you some highlights:

• I registered to attend the Joyce Meyer Women's Conference in October! It has been something I have wanted to do for several years, but never did. Until now! I feel so accomplished for doing so!
• I finally went to church this past Sunday. I was looking at this church in Shiloh - my old side of town - for quite a while but never got up and went. I went to the website Sunday morning and looked at the pastor's posted notes for a series he had just completed using porcupines as the analogy to humans! Sounds strange, but I am telling you it was ingenious! I got the kids up and we went. It was definitely a good sign when the pastor came and sat down next to me within 2 minutes of being there, before services began. The praise and worship was very different from any previous I've had. It felt like we were at a concert almost! Very contemporary! I enjoyed the message and the delivery of the message. And to top it all off, it was Communion Sunday! I have not taken communion in well over a year! God is in control...never doubt that. We will definitely be going back.
• I went on Bruzer's preschool field trip apple-picking on Friday. We had a very good time! Not only did they pick apples, but they fed cows, goats and chickens too! What a great memory to have for me and for Bruzer!
• I went to the same orchard today with Champagne's kindergarten class! I remember my mom went on all the field trips with me, and I liked that feeling. So I decided to pass it along to my children. These are the whys I talked about before!
• Talked to the New Guy the other day. Or chatted better yet. We cleared the air about what really happened between us. I explained to him that the news of him getting married was a bit shocking and it took a little time to balance myself, but I am more than fine with it. I sent him an e-card congratulating him on the wedding. I also told him he was a genuine good guy with a heart of gold and deserved all the happiness life had to offer. NO! I wasn't being sarcastic, I meant all of it. I was very enlightened after processing our conversation from the night before. I believe that things worked out the way they should have. Cause honestly, I can't imagine Dante not having been in my life all this time.

Those are the highlights. Things are going well with the kids. I have joy in my heart on a daily basis. I can truly look back in the not-so-distant past and see how far I have come! It has been nothing short of miraculous...and most assuredly not something I did on my own! The emotional strongholds that have been released has been literally enlightening! The chains are falling away likes leaves off a tree in autumn! THANK YOU LORD FOR LOVING ME THIS MUCH!!

Words of Encouragement

A snippet from Nelson Mandela's Inaugural speech:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enligtened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."

All I can say is WOW! That is exactly what I needed right now!

How about you?

Wanting More

Wanting More. Is that such a bad thing?

I had a debate with Wayne today about that very thing. I believe that as Christians, we shouldn't have to live barely. We should not be happy just scraping by or living paycheck-to-paycheck. But there are so many that misinterpret the Holy Bible into making themselves and others think that it's WRONG to want abundance, financial security, prosperity even.

Guess which side Wayne was on?

But we hashed it out, and came to a mutual understanding. He misunderstood me to say that I was unhappy in my current state, and I wouldn't be truly happy until I had money and things. I misunderstood him to say that God wants us to be in a place of "just barely", so that we would not become worshippers of money.

I quoted Philippians 4:11-12 to him. It's one of my faves: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

Pretty awesome stuff huh??

What that scripture says to me is that I am okay whatever the situation. I am still blessed. I am still saved by grace. I am still under God's Mercy. When things are going perfectly, I am happy and blessed. When it seems things are falling apart around me, I am still just as blessed...which makes my spirit happy. However, I can still want for bigger and better things and expect God to give it to me. It's okay to ask for that 3000 plus square foot custom-built home I want...and expect to get it. It's okay to ask for a prosperous business with so many clients that I have to begin outsourcing the overflow to other single mothers who wish to stay at home...and expect that to happen. It's okay to ask for that 2007 or 2008 (possibly FlexFuel) GMC Yukon XL Denali in Black or White...and expect to have it in my possession within 2 years.

And you know what else? Not only is it okay to ask these things - and expect them to happen - God tells us in His word that we can! Remember doing something wrong as a child, and an adult asking you: "Who told you could do that?!" Every now and again, wasn't your answer "[Insert adult name here] told me I could."

Luke 11:9 (my personal scripture - it's my birthdate!): "So I say unto you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." And further clarification in verse 10: "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Don't get it twisted though, God is not a tooth fairy or a genie granting wishes. There are things that we are required to do as well. Sound tricky? It's not. How's this for a good example:

You tell your child to wash dishes and sweep the floor, that's what she is responsible to do. However, days go by and her chores still are not done. On Friday, she asks to go to the movies with some friends. If you are a good parent who loves your child and believes in teaching responsibility and consequences for actions or inactions, you tell her no right?

Exact same concept! God has set forth "rules" and "provisions" for us to follow as well. And there's more to it than the 10 Commandments! Like believing in your heart that His son came to this earth, suffered and died for our sins, and was risen from the dead by His (our) Father! How about just talking to God? You know, praying about the big and little things in your life? Yes, God is omniscient and omnipresent, but He still wants to hear from YOU! Everyday. ALL DAY. He NEVER tires of hearing from us! (Moms: how many of us can say that every now and again we wish the word Mommy was NEVER INVENTED! lol)

Example again: Aforementioned child has not talked to you in 2 months. Then, outta the blue, she asks you for a new convertible Mustang. Same answer as before I'm guessing?

Not a lot to ask is it? How about that? Well, I don't know about you, but I am definitely standing on the promises of God! I want more than my present circumstances!! BUT, I am content to know that this is where I should be at this moment, and I won't always be here!

Today was that Day....

Seven years ago today, my daughter's paternal great-grandmother died.

Seven years ago today, my oldest friend had a daughter.

Seven years ago today, I discovered true evil had come knocking at our front door.

Seven years ago today, this nation was wrought with shock, horror, and grief as our fellow Americans died right before our eyes.

Seven years ago today, businessmen became national heroes aboard United Flight 93.

Seven years later, today, I say that which did not destroy us only made us stronger!

NEVER FORGET 9/11/01

The Memphis Weekend in Review

I am back from my trip...and sore as hell too! My back hurts to the touch (there was a barstool - and that's all I have to say about that one), not to mention most of the muscles from my shoulders to abs to thighs to calves are sore.

Wait! Don't get me wrong. I am certainly NOT complaining!! Not with this huge Smiley-X (ref Jack Nicholson's Joker) smile on my face!

We had a good time this weekend. We enjoyed each other's company. We played a few rounds of Scene-It (we're both major movie buffs). I cooked for him and spoiled him like I always do. He even had to leave a few times to hit the office because it was his weekend to be "on call" - complete with the BatPhone, as I called it! He told me as he pointed to the phone: "This phone has to be answered when it rings. No matter what's going on, no matter what we're doing. I have to stop and answer this phone." We both jumped a couple of times when it was ringing, but all was well.

Now, in between all that other excitement, there was lots and lots of sex to be had! We were both actually tired of that three letter word by the time I left on Sunday afternoon! Monday morning was a different story though! :-) All I looked forward to when I got home was a good old-fashioned soak in the tub with some Epsom salts for my aching muscles! If it wasn't for a shame, I could have used a sitz bath too for another part! LOL

We also had a very good talk while I was there. There were a lot of issues that I have been dealing with and things I wanted to say but were erroneously afraid to. I felt I was ready to ask if we had a viable shot at a relationship at some point. So I did. I was ready to point out any concerns about the ready-made family that comes with me in the package. So I did. I felt I was ready to ask about any concerns he had about me getting the reversal surgery and it not working. So I did. I wanted to know what happens after his divorce is final in a few months. You know, will he want to play the field to officially celebrate his "freedom"? Or, would he be ready to commit to another relationship at that point? So I asked those questions. I liked the brutally honest answers I got. I do not feel at any point that I was told what he thought I wanted to hear. Because truly more than anything else, I want the truth to best of his ability...and he knows that.

I was finally not afraid to express my true feelings for him. I have been so concerned about "being there by myself", that I wouldn't even admit to myself that I love him. Others close to me can see it though...including Wayne, who told me that about a month ago. Dante told me he's been wondering why I haven't said anything in all this time, because he remembers me saying I am typically 'quick to fall'. I told him partly because I trying to be hard and partly because I was afraid of loving someone who didn't love me back. His response to that, you ask? "I never said I didn't love you."

Didn't see that coming did you? Neither did I! It was a pleasant surprise though, that's for sure. Now, what has changed since that, you wonder? Nothing. We don't end conversations with I love you or anything like that. The relationship still is not at that stage I don't believe. What this talk did was answer (a little more than I expected) the burning question for me whether Dante and I really have a good chance at a long-term relationship. I am happy to report that the answer there is yes! Time and some effort will take it further at a later point.

So, short-but-sweet and very productive weekend I just had. I was a little miffed driving home, because my sister called to see what time I had left and what time I should arrive. That made me decide that I will find alternative sources of babysitting, and that we will do more halfway point trips as well. We're committed to giving it a shot, and that's all any of us really ask for isn't it?

p.s. I have also decided to withdraw from the one-night-a-week-for-four-hours classes at Lindenwood, and get things on track at Park University to complete my online degree as originally planned. If a weekend in 8 months time is an issue, I can't see the once a week thing going over too readily either!

Going to see my Punkin!!

It was a bit touch and go...but I am going to see my sweetie this weekend!!

Touch and go is code word for babysitting issues, as usual! Shocking, I know!

I asked my sister Leigh on Sunday, and explained to her that it was a big deal for me to go to Memphis. I haven't been down there since the last time I wrote about in what -January??!?! So you'd think watching my kids for a weekend would be no big deal considering you watched our other sister's kids for a whole week, right?

WRONG!

Same drama, different month. What I wanted to do was leave at about 12noon on Friday, and be there when he got home from work. Makes it a little hard though, when I am the designated children-picker-upper though! Then my sister tells me she'll babysit, but she doesn't want to give up her whole weekend. So as a compromise, I agreed to just leave early Saturday morning, and be back by about 6p on Sunday.

Do you know how pissed off and highly annoyed I am?? Yeah, yeah I know as some have said : She could have said no altogether. But let me explain this to you: Pretty much whenever my kids spend the night at my sister's house, I am there bright and early the next morning to retrieve them. I do that usually because I am made to feel that way. That's just for a quick overnight thing. I had my kids in Y camp all summer long. I didn't just assume that because she was off the summer, she would babysit them and I would just pay her something. I could have put her name on the CHASI as child care giver so she could have made that money. No, because sometimes it's about more than money. But I feel like, because my other sister over-burdened her the summer with her girls...then finished off the summer right before school started with a full-weeks vacation to Key West without her kids, I have to pay for that now.

Some parts of me are not as pissed as I am hurt, because I really shared with her that I want to put forth the effort to spend more time together, so that we can see if we have a viable option at a strong relationship. I think we do - even with some of the obvious obstacles - and so does he, but we are ready to delve a little further, perhaps moving past seeing each other once a month.

I am still going, almost nothing could keep me from that. We both need the time. There's some stuff I want to talk about, and really, I just can't wait for us to be in that space together again.

What I will say though, is I would rather just take my kids with me when I go, than to worry about them being such an inconvenience to someone else for a couple of days. I'll talk to him about it and see what he thinks.

Today Marks 2 Months!

Yep, just 2 short calendar months ago, I was called into the office and let go. Laid off. Given the boot. Given the old heave ho! You get the picture. Do I miss it?

In the immortal words of Alicia Silverstone as Cher in Clueless: As If!!

Seriously, what about feeding my sick child Motrin in the car in front of daycare and driving to work, praying it lasts the full 8 hours before it wears off should I be missing? What part of missing my Straight A students' Honor Program at school the end of last year because I couldn't have the day off should I be upset about?

Don't know? Yeah, me neither. That is what I will focus on, so that I never have to settle for that kind of misery and mediocrity again. Those kinds of things will be my 'Why'.

What's your 'Why'?

I am normal again

Wow! The enemy almost planted a good seed in my mind about Dante! You can completely disregard the previous post about the text message.
What I realized is that I trust him, and more importantly, I trust in God's plan for my life. I am better now. I am normal. I am back to my very eager self when it comes to him! He makes me smile at just the thought of him. I am still as addicted to his voice as I was the first time I heard it!

I look forward to what our future holds! Who knows? It may be a future together!

Doubt by Text Message

The text message still bugs me. Before, if I would call and he wouldn't answer the phone, I would have a pretty accurate idea what was going on. I knew when he was bowling, softball, working late, sleeping. I just knew. Now when he doesn't answer, a little part of me always thinks "Is he with her?" Not healthy and probably totally unwarranted.

I know how wrong that is, and he really gives me no reason to doubt or think otherwise. I mean for a long-distance relationship, we do better than some local couples. We text several times a day and we talk at least once, usually more than once a day. I just need o put those little insecurities on the back burner. AND, I need to talk to him about how I feel, and then let us decide what our status truly is.

It will be good, I believe it.

New Look

I haven't taken pics of the new 'do yet! But I did what I said I was gonna do. I relaxed it, then cut and styled it. Nothing major...except for the 3 inches I removed from the front for bangs! Okay, it was more like about 4 and a half inches, actually. But I am very pleased with the outcome! It was the change I said I needed. Now, I need to perfect the face look and work on the body, and I will be good to go!

So, I am writing it down and making a commitment right here and now. Remember waaaay back when I was doing the crunches thing? Yeah, well. No more excuses. No more BS. It will be done!
Here's the drill: Start out Week 1 with 50 am and 50 pm. Week 2 is 75 am and 75 pm. Week 3 is 100 am and 100 pm. Week 4 is 125 am and 125 pm. That's where I max out and maintain permanently at 250 crunches per day. To make it even better, I am starting it on a Monday! I did it before, I can surely do it again!

We took the kids apple and peach picking yesterday. They had a good time. Then we went down to Grandmother's and visited with her and mom. All 3 girls were there with out kids, less my oldest niece as usual (she was sick). We got some chinese food at the infamous 'Orange Rice House'. That's not the name of it, but the building has been there and orange since I was a kid, so that name is more recognizable. I called my friend RT since he lived less than a block away. He walked over to see me while we were waiting on the food to be done. He is such a retard! Even though were all growed up now with kids and bills and households and stuff, talking to him takes me back to being a 14-year-old kid again! There is no kind of romantic interest there. I mean honestly, I really only have eyes for one person nowadays. (Okay, two if you count Dwayne Johnson!) But we can be friends and talk about the kids and parenting and just life in general, and it's even better without that bogus sexual tension/pressure that so many men and women feel around each other.

Anywho, we stayed over Grandmother's about an hour or so, then we all headed home. Me and the kids lounged for the most part today, less DJ who is with his dad. Yeah, Mr. I-Just-Up-And-Moved-To-Kansas City-Without-A-Job-Or-Any-Known-Reason came into town for the weekend! I leisurely did laundry. I bought breakfast at McDonald's this morning, then went to the Farmer's Market for a few things. I worked with Starr outside for about 30min trying to teach her to ride a bike. She allows herself to get so frustrated, which I am starting to believe is my fault for being so hard on her. That's another story though, I am working my way through that one. It was hot and everyone was sweating and she was getting careless, so we came in the house. As I assured her, there will be other days and giving up is not an option.

Words to live by...

I GOT IT

The change I was jonesing for? I got it this evening. I can't say what it is right now. I know, but I am not telling. Some would look at it as a bad thing, but I realize why it happened.

All I can say is: If it is to be, it's up to me (and God, of course).

IT IS MEANT TO BE.

p.s. To top it all off, I will relax and style my hair tomorrow in a complete different style! I may even cut some too! I promise I will post pics when I do it! :-)

IDK

I didn't really have a title for this one, so I used text-speak instead. IDK means 'I Don't Know', in case you were wondering.

Man you guys, I am jonesing for a change in my life. I am in the mood to really shake things up. But I don't know where to start. My friend Maggs from work sent me a text yesterday wanting to know if CWT asked me back what would I say. I didn't reply yet, but not because I didn't know the answer. I figured the old manager was present at the moment, and I didn't want him to see anything. I looked myself in the mirror and thought 'No way Jose!'. I am happier now than at any point since I was in San Diego almost. I may have been struggling out there, but I was happy. I felt free!

That's how I feel now. FREE. I even have my routine down in the morning with the kids. I can't imagine going back into those kinds of confines working full-time outside the home with so little flexibility. I like picking up my kids after school. I like knowing that my biggest stress in the morning is that THEY get to school on time, not me to work. I will tell you honestly, I was not a nice person in the mornings before! I am determined not to be that woman ever again. For my kids' sake...and for my own!

Starr had a bad week apparently at school. Her teacher met me and talked to me about her freaking out it she didn't get a perfect score. She would just completely shut down and be in tears, and to the point that she had to leave class. It happened 3 out of 4 days this week. I talked to her about it last night. I know I have high expectations, but I didn't think I was that bad! Maybe I am and didn't really know it though. Something for me to watch out for.

Champagne has been doing well in kindergarten. The greens are continuing! They have been writing their name and working on letters. You remember that brown lined paper don't you? I know you do! Well I bought a whole tablet of that for her to write in here at home for practice.

I've been working all eves this week due to schedule problems. Too many people, not enough hours offered kind of problems. But, it's been working out so far. I cashed in my little 401K so I can pay some bills, it should be here next week. If I had it this week, I would ask someone to watch the kids for me while I spent the night at Dante's. (yes, even though it is cycle time!) I do plan to go down there in the next few weeks though honestly. All I need is gas money and a babysitter, and I am gone!! As long as I can keep up with my bills, I am happy. That's really all that matters right this second. BUT, I have to get focused on the next phase of my life, where I am completely self-sufficient. I just have to get out of the fear that I can't do it, or I might fail...or I might win actually. Then, I am 100% sure I will reach every goal I set! The belief is there, I just have to put it into action is all.

Pray for me...I surely need it!

A GREAT Weekend in Review!

My Dante came in town this weekend! And get this: it was just for me and the kids!!!!!! Now I really feel special, like we are moving somewhere! He was supposed to come in on Friday and spend all day, then leave Saturday, but there were forces working against that. I even had my niece here ready to babysit and everything! We were going to stay the night at a hotel, since he couldn't make it in early like he originally hoped to. So he got here Saturday early evening, and stayed til about 30 minutes ago.

My sister Leigh and her husband and all the kids went skating. Yes, of course I was there too! The kids had a ball, but I was a little sore at first from it now being $8 per kid to skate!! I really hadn't planned on that kinda money right then. After that, we went to Pizza Hut and ate. We all had a really great time. When Dante came in, he first went to his sister's who I didn't know lives within 5 minutes of me. We watched movies with the kids on Saturday night, as well as Sunday. Plus I ordered Chinese for us all last night.

There was a bit of a snag when I saw a text message that came through on Sunday while he was sleeping. No!! I SWEAR I am not the type to be snooping or anything like that. My theory is if you have to be that insecure, you probably don't need to be in that situation to start with. But the iPhone was on the table and vibrated so, out of reaction, I looked at it. The message said "R U ok baby?" Yep, it was the 'baby' that got me! So I talked to him about that evening and he told me it was just a friend that he met in Memphis. They have bowling in common, but there are no romantic sparks on his end towards her (though I am wondering about from her to him). I took him at his word. Call me crazy or a fool if you want, but I believe him.

He still hasn't really answered my inquiries as to where we are or have the potential to be. But he did say this was a fact-finding trip for him in some ways. I will discuss that more if something comes of it.

I am just very happy about the visit. Makes me even more motivated to get back down to visit him!

New Beginnings

Yep, that's right. Today was Champagne's last day of preschool. School starts next week! I've gotten so used to taking her to daycare that I can't imagine her actually in school! But, it's coming whether I like it or not. So, guess I should just go ahead and start liking it huh??

I took pictures in the morning with her and some of her teachers, and some of her friends. Then when I picked them up this evening I took more pics of her in her classroom. I also took one of Bruzer with one of the long-time teachers that was leaving today. Then, as we were leaving, I had him take one with his friend who is starting Kindergarten next week. Bruzer won't go back to school til probably Thursday. School starts on Wednesday, but I figure he'll be a little upset with the 3 older ones going to 'big kid school', so I may keep him with me during the day. We'll see.

Today was a good day. I worked a little, but not too much. Wayne and I had a good conversation, as usual. Right now we are just concentrating on being more friends than anything. He knows that I have feelings for Dante, and there is nothing I will do at this point to jeopardize that. Better still, is that he respects that. I tried to talk to Dante tonight about what we were, but I suppose my timing was lousy or he didn't really have an answer that he wanted to give or he couldn't talk at the moment. I don't know, but I put some things out there, and no answers were really given. But I am glad I did. There was a time not too long ago that I was actually afraid to say how I felt or ask if our affair was headed somewhere, for fear that would cause it to abruptly end. But things are different now. I am different now. No it has nothing to do with Wayne, and everything to do with me.
I truly believe that Dante and I would remain friends after out affair ended, as long as it was mutual and not messy. So, in essence, that fear of losing him that I had is really completely without merit. That's what kept me from asking the 'what if' and the 'what are we' questions that have been burning in the back of mind for so long. I didn't get answers tonight. But if I know him, that means he is thinking, and formulating an answer for a later time.

Time will tell....

Ms. 300!!

Just a little play on words in honor of Bernie Mac, who died this past weekend at the age of 50. He starred in a movie called Mr. 3000 a few years back, and this is my 300th post today so I made it work. As George Clooney said, 'Heaven just got a whole lot funnier'.

Also passing this weekend was that super cool brother, Isaac Hayes, at the getting-better-with-time age of 65. Both were very sudden and unexpected, and our prayers go out to their families during this very difficult time.

My niece had her camp-out on Saturday, and it was a HUGE success. Lots of kids came, a couple of friends, and all of her cousins! The grownups had a good time too. I left to go to my friend's birthday party at a club in E. St. Louis with the Kween. I sat and people watched all night, didn't really enjoy myself, but at least I was out. I counted that as a win. I got in at 2a, got up at 630a and drove to get doughtnuts and coffee. I bought 4 dozen doughnuts and they were all gone before 10a! I came home at about 130p and crashed though, because I was dealing with the same headache since Friday...and it was now Sunday afternoon!

Dante and I are hoping to see each other this weekend. This hope hinges on whether or not he comes back early from this softball tournament in Orlando. I tried to see if I could go, but airfare is just WAY too high. So, if anything, I will just fill up the tank and go down there for a few days. I shamefully realized that I hadn't been down there since January! I want to rectify that now and in the future. I think we'll call Can't Get Right by another name henceforth, since that doesn't really fit and neither does The One at this point. So, he will now be known as Wayne (middle name). Wayne and talk almost everyday. But that's nothing unusual anyway, as we are always friends first and foremost. I just think that's all we'll ever be sometimes. If all things were equal right now, and I had to make a choice, I believe I would choose Dante.

The good thing though, is I am not focused so much on the personal life right now, because I know it will work itself out the right way. I am just focusing on myself, my family and my business...and not necessarily in that order. It won't happen unless I make it happen, and I know I can make it happen! You can too! Just make the decision and then do it. To paraphrase a home improvement mega-store: Let's build this life together!

Gaining Clarity

So I have been in a bit of a funk the past couple of days. I feel kinda lousy because I talked to the bff about it, and I think I may have thrown her off-kilter too! Things still aren't quite right there either.
Sometimes it's best to keep your utter confusion to yourself, noone else needs that kinda crap in their life! :-)

Here's the deal: I am torn in a thousand different ways by just about everything in my life right now. I have been really enjoying my time not doing the full time thing, but I believe my vacation is over now. No, no, no...that doesn't mean I am going to make myself miserable and go get another j.o.b. That means I am about to get to work! I want to help people make the best of their lives. There are two ways I can do that. One is by helping them plan vacations and trips to get away from the stress of it all, and by arranging business trips that keep them moving at the 'speed of business'. (I love that phrase) Two is by assisting small businesses and sole proprietors with the day-to-day admininstrative tasks that keep them from doing the work they love. Most importantly, I just have to stop being such a "fraidy cat" about getting out there and making my self known!

Okay, so that's issue #1. Issue #2 is a little more delicate! Yes, matters of the heart.

So Starr's father and I had a talk the other day. Yes of course there are still feelings there. There probably always will be, so that's a non-issue. The question is do we want to give one last college try to see if we really have a shot at this working out? Seems simple doesn't it? Yeah well...wait, there's more! He is with someone, and she is currently wearing a ring that he put there. I am still with Dante and, although I say I don't know what we are or where we are going, I can't imagine giving him up. BUT!! (famous last words) What if Dante and I really are all we are ever going to be?? What if CGR and I pass on this opportunity now that we are older and (allegedly) wiser, and miss what was really meant to be? What if we both end our other relationships, get together, find out it doesn't work, then realize we were already with who we were supposed to be with??


Your head would explode if this was you, wouldn't it???

Honestly, I can see things both ways. I can see him and me getting together, moving away with the kids to start our life (back in San Diego likely), and growing old together. I can see us being truly happy. BUT, then again. I can also see us being friends forever and nothing more. AND, I can see myself getting preggers at least 2 more times and having children with Dante. (Or Dwayne Johnson, I haven't decided which yet) He really is an awesome guy, and I've told Can't Get Right that...on more than one occasion. He pointed out to me that I am more attached to Dante that I am letting on...even to myself. I know there is truth to that, but I am still in protective mode when it comes to that situation. This could be his way to kill time until his divorce is actually final, then I'm all lovestruck and he's like "Thanks for the ride Lady!" (No, I absolutely do not think in any way something like that would happen. I am just being dramatic for effect!)

I am not fond of the person Can't Get Right is with, never have been really. But it has nothing to do with him, she and I went to the same high school....and I didn't like her then!!! Just one of those people that never rubbed me the right way. However he loves her and she treats him well and that will have to be good enough for me.

So why are we trying to mess with fire? To put it exceptionally mildy, the love is strong within us both. However, I just don't think it's enough to be willing to hurt others for our selfish whims. We are not those type of people, we never will be, and we would never feel right about it if we tried to be. So likely, he and I are all we ever will be, unless some serious Divine intervention happens and gracefully removes these others from our lives. Considering they have 2 children together now, that ain't likely to happen!

But, what if....

The Remake

Okay, so I realized today I have really become a slacker. You know what else? It doesn't even have that much to do with not working outside the home. That's one of the things in my life that actually makes me very happy. It has happened over a period of a year at least. Just being lazy. Waking up getting dressed from the neck down very well. But from the neck up, just barely making it by. Thank goodness I am naturally beautiful, as I always say! lol

I pull my hair back in a bun everyday. Let me say that again......EVERYDAY. I have always been fascinated with long flowing hair, and there was a time when people would have had me committed for wearing my hair up so much! Now, I just want to feel 'put together' more than anything. Know what I just did today? I washed my hair and deep conditioned it. Then I spent about 2 hours total pulling KNOTS out of my head! I had gotten so damn lazy that I actually hadn't combed through my hair in over a week! Thank goodness I don't have the kind of hair that you have to wash everyday...cause that would have been really...eww!

I am pretty sure there will be some inches lost over my laziness, yet again. It's not the first time this has happened. But I tell you this, it will be the last. I have goals, and I will achieve every last one of them. One of my goals is to look fabulous from the neck up, even if I look so-so from the neck down -- not vice-versa! If that requires a shorter but very sassy, classy cut then that's what it shall be. Then one day within the next 2 years tops, I will reach my goal of hair to the middle of my back. I've been very close before, but this time I will go all the way!

I have plenty of makeup, and so I shall get in the habit of wearing it daily. It's amazing how long it's been since I put on eye-liner! I know. So, so sad. I am full of fabulous-ness! Always have and always will. Now the time has come for me to let it out again, and this time STAY OUT!!

Still Moving Forward

I am keeping the momentum moving forward! I actually registered for school yesterday! Yes, a real university! I registered at Lindenwood University, under their LCIE program. That's the program for adults, meaning classes are in the evening one night a week, and are definitely accelerated. I would end up taking 9 hours per quarter, not semester. That helps you finish much faster, though it may still take me up to 2 years. Then after that, I can start my MBA at the same place! Their main campus is about 40 minutes to an hour away, but they took over an old high school campus who built a new facility. Now they are about 10 minutes away. I was trying to avoid night classes for the babysitting issue, but the family made/makes provisions for everyone else so I would assume they'll do it for me too!

I have worked about 25 hours this week, so it's been pretty steady. That makes my family happy to hear, which is humorous to me, but whatever! I have to be at work off and on today, but I would much rather sleep to be honest. But that's not the way the real world works, now is it??

The Week in Review

Been working mainly. This was an up and down week for me. I got over the New Guy getting married thing, and decided without a shadow of a doubt I will not be attending the graduation. Not that I am mad or anything like that, it's just there's no reason for me to be there. I can just see it now. "Oh how do you know [New Guy]?" "We used to date." So why is his ex at his graduation, and he just got married yesterday??

Don't think so! I am NOT the one!

Money's been tight, but that's not new. And you know what? It hasn't been tighter than usual since I was laid off either. SO I count it as a plus that I don't have the stress of that job and the 40hour week! Got my first one-week unemployment check, which was eaten up by my bank account which is in a deficit. Yeah, I like that word! That's what the country calls it, so that's what I will call it too! The reason for the deficit is that I was told my severance check would be sent from Minneapolis at the same time my last paycheck would be deposited, so I had major bills I paid based on that info.

What a surprise! That info was WRONG!! I won't get the severance check until the NEXT PAY CYCLE! Aren't they awesome?? (sarcasm alert)

Personally, things are interesting. Dante and I are still "together". I use that term loosely, only because I am seeing all the limitations that are placed on our relationship. I think perhaps I made that usual woman mistake where I go into the situation with all the info, but I think it will change as time goes on. It hasn't changed. We are still just "kickin' it", no prospect of moving this to another level at this point. Main reason for that currently is because his divorce won't be final until November. But, I wonder sometimes "then what?" We get along very famously together when it's just the two of us, but the elephant in the room of that scenario is that there are 5 of me. I have four children, and I don't know what kind of chemistry they have, because we have never spent time together like that.

And, as he so blatantly reminded me the other night, he wants his own biological children...PERIOD. I think the exact word was "non-negotiable". Considering the situation with his soon-to-be ex-wife and unsuccessfully trying to have children, I kinda think he wouldn't necessarily want to take the chance with me and the reversal surgery. Who's to say, we get together, get married (cause that's the only way I would have it reversed), I get the surgery, then we find out I still won't be able to conceive?? Wow, we'd really be in a pickle then huh?? He and I think so much alike, that I am confident that thought has crossed his mind, more than once! Can't blame him. But I just wonder, how much more time should either one of us put into this, if we know it's not really going anywhere?

Then, as of late, some of my feelings for Starr's father have been rising to the surface. I have done a pretty good job of surpressing them for quite a while. He's with someone, rather serious. I'm with someone. But, that draw is still there. Yes I know, I am insane. I probably should be committed. But, if you've never had it, you can't understand...and I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. Half the time, even I don't know what the heck is wrong with us. We can be respectful, and we will always be good friends, and that's all we would be if the situation called for it. But...

That's a story to always be continued.

Guess Who's Getting Married!?

Nope, it ain't me! Apparently I am good to get real close with...but just not good enough to be willing to take the final plunge these days! lol

Don't mind me, my sarcasm levels are a little high right now.

I chatted with The New Guy the other night. Yes, there are still feelings there. It was so close to being the real deal with him that it has been difficult to truly let go.

Apparently he did not have that same problem.

Approximately a year after we were over (maybe a little more than a year, but a VERY little), he will be married. What sucks even more than dealing with that "closure" was the oh-so-casual way he told me. Instead of coming out and saying it, he starts talking about getting back to wedding details and replacing his best man...as if I already knew!

I will admit I felt a bit heartbroken that night, but I am now - for the most part - over it completely. Though, because he will be getting married on Friday and graduating on Saturday, I will not subject myself to undue pain by attending the graduation. It's just a little much, really.

So then I start wondering again about me and Dante, where we're really going. Am I wasting my time? Is he wasting time with me? So many "ifs"...and most seem to hinge around the child issue. At least in my mind it does. I mean, we've talked about it before, sure. I feel better for a few days, and then the doubt creeps in again. Is he still looking-but-not-looking for someone else? What the heck do I really want, and it is in him? Even though we enjoy each other's company and conversation greatly, is this still a limited-term arrangement? Aren't I too old for limited-term arrangements???

THIS is EXACTLY why I try NOT to think about my personal life right now!!!