It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
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Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
July 11, 2009
April 8, 2009
Darn Full Moon!
So it's the end of that 'time of the month'...and a full moon on top of that. What does that mean? My emotions are everywhere! Let's just say, I watched 'Twilight' twice this afternoon - back to back!!! I don't care what anyone says, that is one serious love story! I can definitely see that when I get my book collection back from all the various places they are, that I will definitely be reading the series again!
Anywho, Wayne stopped by the other night. He wanted me to look up some info for him on the computer and I called him to have him stop by and look at it. As usual, he went immediately upstairs to see Starr and the kids. He came back down in awe. I told him she has self-esteem issues previously. He said he can't see why because she is absolutely beautiful! I told him I know, and what she needs more than anything else is for him to tell her so as often as possible, before some boy does it for him in a few years with not-so-pure intentions!
He looked like he had a lot on his mind, so we talked. He told that him and the woman he's seeing have begun planning their wedding. That was a shock. I also told him to make sure he's sure, that we are too damn old to just settle. We've both been married and divorced twice, and we both feel the 2nd marriage should never have happened. We're both also believing that "Third Times The Charm"! I just want him to be happy. He's told me several times that he's still in love with me, but he's also as happy as I am about our new-found friendship...something we never had before. Without having met him, he likes Dante quite a bit. He really likes the fact that I am so happy, and a big part of that is because of my relationship with Dante. Wayne and I had such itense feelings for each other - like the stuff you see on movies intense (think The Notebook). He's looking for that again with this woman, which I told him isn't fair to her or to him. He needs to look at her and appreciate her qualities for who she is. Comparing her to me is just no contest really! ;-) I think he'll be okay in the long run.
Oh, you're wondering how I feel about him since I know he's in love with me and I said all that about how intense our love was? Well, I have let mine go. Maybe not all the way; I believe if you really love someone, that person will always have at least a little of your heart. But, well, let me put it to you this way: The one time (about this time last year) when we got a little too close one day, I stopped it because I couldn't think of anything but Dante. So no, I am not still in love with him as he is with me. I love him to death, and would go to the ends of the earth for him as one of my dearest friends, butI believe our relationship has evolved into something even better than it was when were trying so many times to get together and never did.
Then, the weirdest thing happened. The BFF and I were talking and I asked her about a hotel near Midway, and if it was close to her. She asked why I was thinking of hotels, and I told her when I come to visit, that's where the kids and I will be staying. She then tells me that the only time she was apprehensive about me staying at her apartment was when I was with PsychoRev. She says we were talking about me coming up there and I said that me, him and all the kids could just stay at her place...and that's why she may have been seemed apprehensive. I, even in my looniest times with Roy, could not have imagined saying a thing like that. I mean, you know there are some things that are just "in you", no matter what? I couldn't imagine telling anybody that me, my fiance, and my four children would be coming to stay in their basically one bedroom apartment for a weekend! She was insistent about it, so I did what I usually do when it's not worth the debate to me. I gave her the last word, and tried to move on. She kept saying it though and that's when I had to remind her that as recently as last year was what I remembered about me coming up with the kids and she didn't seemed that thrilled about us staying there, so that's why if I can't get a hotel, I won't come. Then I got to thinking later why would she feel uncomfortable to have her best friend and her BF's fiance spending the night at her place. Does she think the guy would sneak away in the middle of night and try to get in bed with her? I mean, I totally don't get that, it made absolutely no sense. But, I had to let that go and remember that each person is different. I just know I couldn't have possibly said something like that. I mean heck, I felt bad invading Dante's one-bedroom apartment with the kids that 1st time...and I was sleeping with him! lol
Dante and I had a great long serious conversation tonight. It was mostly about us. You know, one of the many things I like is that we can talk about our past relationships and noone gets offended or jealous or anything like that. I also found out that, later this month, Dante and I will have known each other 2 years. I thought we began emailing in June or something, but Mr. Sentimental kept a lot of of those very first emails between us (surprised? yeah, me too!) so he was able to find the date. I think my heart melted a little bit more after that. I told him I am still holding out on my feelings, just because of the circumstances. I told him I can definitely be a lot more intense than this, which he knew (of course he did). One thing I do believe about him is that he has the capacity to love intensely too (he's a Scorpio, it's kind of a given). But, mainly due to the deterioration and subsequent ending of his marriage, his guard is up higher than it would have been otherwise. Who can blame him for that? We all do it! But I do believe the bricks on his wall are tumbling down too, slowly but surely. I'm ok with that. He is my choice, he is where I want to be, and with that decision my patience abounds.
Anywho, Wayne stopped by the other night. He wanted me to look up some info for him on the computer and I called him to have him stop by and look at it. As usual, he went immediately upstairs to see Starr and the kids. He came back down in awe. I told him she has self-esteem issues previously. He said he can't see why because she is absolutely beautiful! I told him I know, and what she needs more than anything else is for him to tell her so as often as possible, before some boy does it for him in a few years with not-so-pure intentions!
He looked like he had a lot on his mind, so we talked. He told that him and the woman he's seeing have begun planning their wedding. That was a shock. I also told him to make sure he's sure, that we are too damn old to just settle. We've both been married and divorced twice, and we both feel the 2nd marriage should never have happened. We're both also believing that "Third Times The Charm"! I just want him to be happy. He's told me several times that he's still in love with me, but he's also as happy as I am about our new-found friendship...something we never had before. Without having met him, he likes Dante quite a bit. He really likes the fact that I am so happy, and a big part of that is because of my relationship with Dante. Wayne and I had such itense feelings for each other - like the stuff you see on movies intense (think The Notebook). He's looking for that again with this woman, which I told him isn't fair to her or to him. He needs to look at her and appreciate her qualities for who she is. Comparing her to me is just no contest really! ;-) I think he'll be okay in the long run.
Oh, you're wondering how I feel about him since I know he's in love with me and I said all that about how intense our love was? Well, I have let mine go. Maybe not all the way; I believe if you really love someone, that person will always have at least a little of your heart. But, well, let me put it to you this way: The one time (about this time last year) when we got a little too close one day, I stopped it because I couldn't think of anything but Dante. So no, I am not still in love with him as he is with me. I love him to death, and would go to the ends of the earth for him as one of my dearest friends, butI believe our relationship has evolved into something even better than it was when were trying so many times to get together and never did.
Then, the weirdest thing happened. The BFF and I were talking and I asked her about a hotel near Midway, and if it was close to her. She asked why I was thinking of hotels, and I told her when I come to visit, that's where the kids and I will be staying. She then tells me that the only time she was apprehensive about me staying at her apartment was when I was with PsychoRev. She says we were talking about me coming up there and I said that me, him and all the kids could just stay at her place...and that's why she may have been seemed apprehensive. I, even in my looniest times with Roy, could not have imagined saying a thing like that. I mean, you know there are some things that are just "in you", no matter what? I couldn't imagine telling anybody that me, my fiance, and my four children would be coming to stay in their basically one bedroom apartment for a weekend! She was insistent about it, so I did what I usually do when it's not worth the debate to me. I gave her the last word, and tried to move on. She kept saying it though and that's when I had to remind her that as recently as last year was what I remembered about me coming up with the kids and she didn't seemed that thrilled about us staying there, so that's why if I can't get a hotel, I won't come. Then I got to thinking later why would she feel uncomfortable to have her best friend and her BF's fiance spending the night at her place. Does she think the guy would sneak away in the middle of night and try to get in bed with her? I mean, I totally don't get that, it made absolutely no sense. But, I had to let that go and remember that each person is different. I just know I couldn't have possibly said something like that. I mean heck, I felt bad invading Dante's one-bedroom apartment with the kids that 1st time...and I was sleeping with him! lol
Dante and I had a great long serious conversation tonight. It was mostly about us. You know, one of the many things I like is that we can talk about our past relationships and noone gets offended or jealous or anything like that. I also found out that, later this month, Dante and I will have known each other 2 years. I thought we began emailing in June or something, but Mr. Sentimental kept a lot of of those very first emails between us (surprised? yeah, me too!) so he was able to find the date. I think my heart melted a little bit more after that. I told him I am still holding out on my feelings, just because of the circumstances. I told him I can definitely be a lot more intense than this, which he knew (of course he did). One thing I do believe about him is that he has the capacity to love intensely too (he's a Scorpio, it's kind of a given). But, mainly due to the deterioration and subsequent ending of his marriage, his guard is up higher than it would have been otherwise. Who can blame him for that? We all do it! But I do believe the bricks on his wall are tumbling down too, slowly but surely. I'm ok with that. He is my choice, he is where I want to be, and with that decision my patience abounds.
March 16, 2009
Misunderstandings
You know, it's amazing how a few words can throw things way out of proportion! I was talking to Dante yesterday about my father and how because of the fact that he pretty much never called me or came to visit me, I was more of a pursuer than one to be pursued. Then he made a comment about since I am not breastfully endowed (my words) or overly blessed in the rear that I would easily be overlooked by most men. He wasn't indicating that I wasn't attractive, but that's just what most men (black men in particular) look for. I tried to point out to him that I have no problem attracting men and never have... not by far. So when I meant pursuing men, I didn't mean the first one to make contact with the guys, I just meant I was calling more than they were calling me. But, it did kind of set in and bug me for a minute that he thought that. Sometimes our minds can really be overboard, can't they??
Then I see the BFF has a status message on Messenger that I know for fact is directed toward a comment I made the other day. But when I ask her about she just basically shuts me down saying she doesn't want to talk about it. SO I try to change the subject, and again I get shut down. Nothing else I can do right? Don't wanna make her more upset before her big interview.
STOP THE PRESSES!
This is what happens when you have a blog. People go back and read something and then you are on the hot seat for it. Most of the blogging I do is therapy-like. On the days when something's bothering me, I get it out then I'm done with it. She got upset at me because she read the blog about the weekend she was here. As I explained to her, perhaps I am the wrong thinker on this. Especially after my computer guy made mention of a similar situation yesterday, and his reply was leaning more so towards what she feels rather than me. So maybe it's me. I can concede to that. She was also bothered that I vented my frustrations about her not being available for me to talk to, because as of the past year it's been about her. My reply was that I will be frustrated, that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean that I'm angry at her or don't understand. I mean, for pete's sake, I've been the talker WAY more than she has! So it would be selfish of me not to understand that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! :) I mean hey, that's life you know! I made it clear that if I have something I need to talk out, I have other options. Wayne has been invaluable, and I am very good friends with Dante as well so that I don't have a problem talking to him.
I do think we worked it out though. She has his desire that everything be easy and happy, and it's not always like that. But the fact that we can be adults and talk it out is most important to me!
Then I see the BFF has a status message on Messenger that I know for fact is directed toward a comment I made the other day. But when I ask her about she just basically shuts me down saying she doesn't want to talk about it. SO I try to change the subject, and again I get shut down. Nothing else I can do right? Don't wanna make her more upset before her big interview.
STOP THE PRESSES!
This is what happens when you have a blog. People go back and read something and then you are on the hot seat for it. Most of the blogging I do is therapy-like. On the days when something's bothering me, I get it out then I'm done with it. She got upset at me because she read the blog about the weekend she was here. As I explained to her, perhaps I am the wrong thinker on this. Especially after my computer guy made mention of a similar situation yesterday, and his reply was leaning more so towards what she feels rather than me. So maybe it's me. I can concede to that. She was also bothered that I vented my frustrations about her not being available for me to talk to, because as of the past year it's been about her. My reply was that I will be frustrated, that's just how it is, but that doesn't mean that I'm angry at her or don't understand. I mean, for pete's sake, I've been the talker WAY more than she has! So it would be selfish of me not to understand that, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! :) I mean hey, that's life you know! I made it clear that if I have something I need to talk out, I have other options. Wayne has been invaluable, and I am very good friends with Dante as well so that I don't have a problem talking to him.
I do think we worked it out though. She has his desire that everything be easy and happy, and it's not always like that. But the fact that we can be adults and talk it out is most important to me!
March 9, 2009
Strange Weekend
Well, the good news is that Bruzer's B-Day went well. I will expand on that tomorrow though. I'm pretty bummed right now. The BFF came into town this weekend...and surprise, surprise I didn't get to see her at all! I mean she came in Friday and left Saturday so it was a quick trip. She also had her new guy Armando with her too though. Wouldn't it have made sense for the BFF to meet the new beau??? She couldn't even stop by on her way out of town on Saturday.
Granted I let her off the hook on Saturday, but that's how I am. She sounded like she was in a dilemma about stopping off at my house on her back to the Chi, so I just saved her the dilemma by telling her no worries. Actually, it was more like 'I guess we'll just see you when we come up there in a couple of months'...to which she replied she would be back here in a couple of weeks....to which I dryly replied 'Well maybe I'll get to see you then.' I'm learning to be a very slow to anger person, something I am proud of. Until the anger hits! How does she really think I feel knowing that it was more important for her to see a two-year-old than her best friend?!?!?! This little kid wasn't the one she was calling at the crack of dawn most mornings when she needed to talk and no one else would understand. The kid was not the one that suffered in silence with her own issues because she demanded things be all about her for that time being. That was ME! And I would gladly do it again, because that's what friends do!! But am I a priority on the list for 10 minutes even when you come to my 'neck of the woods' to visit? NOPE!
So how am I supposed to feel? Can someone tell me that?
Granted I let her off the hook on Saturday, but that's how I am. She sounded like she was in a dilemma about stopping off at my house on her back to the Chi, so I just saved her the dilemma by telling her no worries. Actually, it was more like 'I guess we'll just see you when we come up there in a couple of months'...to which she replied she would be back here in a couple of weeks....to which I dryly replied 'Well maybe I'll get to see you then.' I'm learning to be a very slow to anger person, something I am proud of. Until the anger hits! How does she really think I feel knowing that it was more important for her to see a two-year-old than her best friend?!?!?! This little kid wasn't the one she was calling at the crack of dawn most mornings when she needed to talk and no one else would understand. The kid was not the one that suffered in silence with her own issues because she demanded things be all about her for that time being. That was ME! And I would gladly do it again, because that's what friends do!! But am I a priority on the list for 10 minutes even when you come to my 'neck of the woods' to visit? NOPE!
So how am I supposed to feel? Can someone tell me that?
February 3, 2009
Life Keeps Moving
This past week has been a little bit emotionally taxing for me, to the point I have to fight from being depressed. Why? Trouble with Dante? Not at all. As a matter, things on that front are so blissfully great I have to catch myself from waiting for the sky to fall!
What's got me down is being Cody's counselor everyday while he goes through the beginning stages of accepting his HIV+ status.
I have been urging him over the last few days that, along with finding the right doctors, he needs to make finding a counselor or support group top priority. There is only so much that a person without this virus can advise someone that has it. You can imagine that person's feelings to an extent, but that's it! There is only one person close to me that can imagine how I felt when I found out about having HSV, and that's Wayne. And that's only be he has it too! The BFF nor Dante nor Kween, nor my siblings or mother can imagine what that felt like. I felt like I was ruined for life, that noone would want to be with in a relationship with me, that I was a bad person, that I was stupid for catching this in the first place, etc. So, in that respect, I can empathize with Cody.
BUT, mine won't possibly shorten my life span either. That's where the differences set in. I have only had 2 people in all my many years and many partners say they didn't want to be with me because of it (New Guy and the New Guy of the same name but different color). Cody will have to deal with a lot of rejection once he tells a potential partner of his positive status. So I can't help there. He needs to talk to the people that know better than me.
He is still at the stage of wondering if it's worth bothering living. That virus inside of him is in his every waking thought of every day. To top it all off he lost the woman he was in love with because of it!? He has a lot going on, but I have to be careful. I can only pray and try to guide him in the right direction, so that he can talk to the people that have walked in his shoes, and are now in a happier, more peaceful place of just living day-to-day like the rest of us...instead of feeling like they should be in a leper's colony! I even directed him to a website where he can possibly find someone that is positive like him, so that won't be an issue.
For me though, I have to keep my emotions and stress level under close watch. The virus I have lives in the nerves, so-to-speak. So , when I become an emotional wreck and am anxious or deeply stressed out over a period of time...there it is! I don't want to see it anymore than I have to, which means almost never. If I can control it without daily maintenance drugs, then that's what I'll do.
Just keep praying for my friend. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic, I would like to think he is stronger than that. But then again, I can't imagine what this must really feel like inside to deal with, so I don't really know what he is capable of.
No love tip today, sorry. (I may edit it later)
What's got me down is being Cody's counselor everyday while he goes through the beginning stages of accepting his HIV+ status.
I have been urging him over the last few days that, along with finding the right doctors, he needs to make finding a counselor or support group top priority. There is only so much that a person without this virus can advise someone that has it. You can imagine that person's feelings to an extent, but that's it! There is only one person close to me that can imagine how I felt when I found out about having HSV, and that's Wayne. And that's only be he has it too! The BFF nor Dante nor Kween, nor my siblings or mother can imagine what that felt like. I felt like I was ruined for life, that noone would want to be with in a relationship with me, that I was a bad person, that I was stupid for catching this in the first place, etc. So, in that respect, I can empathize with Cody.
BUT, mine won't possibly shorten my life span either. That's where the differences set in. I have only had 2 people in all my many years and many partners say they didn't want to be with me because of it (New Guy and the New Guy of the same name but different color). Cody will have to deal with a lot of rejection once he tells a potential partner of his positive status. So I can't help there. He needs to talk to the people that know better than me.
He is still at the stage of wondering if it's worth bothering living. That virus inside of him is in his every waking thought of every day. To top it all off he lost the woman he was in love with because of it!? He has a lot going on, but I have to be careful. I can only pray and try to guide him in the right direction, so that he can talk to the people that have walked in his shoes, and are now in a happier, more peaceful place of just living day-to-day like the rest of us...instead of feeling like they should be in a leper's colony! I even directed him to a website where he can possibly find someone that is positive like him, so that won't be an issue.
For me though, I have to keep my emotions and stress level under close watch. The virus I have lives in the nerves, so-to-speak. So , when I become an emotional wreck and am anxious or deeply stressed out over a period of time...there it is! I don't want to see it anymore than I have to, which means almost never. If I can control it without daily maintenance drugs, then that's what I'll do.
Just keep praying for my friend. I hope he doesn't do anything drastic, I would like to think he is stronger than that. But then again, I can't imagine what this must really feel like inside to deal with, so I don't really know what he is capable of.
No love tip today, sorry. (I may edit it later)
February 1, 2009
Life in Full View
Boy has it been a week! The BFF has been going through hell with this guy. She's not still with him or trying to be with him (thank God), but it's just the fallout after the bomb that's going on right now. So still most of our conversations have been focused on her, and occasionally I get a word in edgewise. I had to take a hard look though and realize this is probably what it was like for her when I was the one going through all the mess! So that helped me get back to a point of understanding and being the much-needed listening ear for her. I mean, thankfully, I have other people to talk to about the day-to-day stuff, even when it's kinda major!
Speaking of major... I learned last week that a very good friend of mine found out he was HIV positive. It's my friend Cody...who I talk to daily...and who I also was involved with right after I moved in 2007 (but a while before Dante came on the physical scene). So naturally when he shared this with me, I was in a state of panic, because I couldn't remember the last time I had a test done! I know that he had to get tested every 6 months to be able to participate in this minor league wrestling organization. I knew that for all of 2008 and all of 2007 he was negative. Deep down, I knew that I was probably safe. But still...you know?
I called Wayne and totally freaked out. I didn't want to call the BFF while she was at a client on-site. I didn't want to bother Dante with my neurotics while he was working either. The plan was to go get tested the next day, but I wasn't looking forward to the waiting process. Then I found out from Cody about this thing called OraQuick, that has test results in 20 minutes. I found a place in St. Louis that did it for free and planned to go the next day. But, there were the snow days that kept the kids home for 2 days straight, so I had to wait til Thursday. I am negative, which by testing day I was no longer worried that I was anything but negative. So, since then I have been trying to help him deal with it. He told his girlfriend of almost a year on Friday, she tested negative that day, but she also told him that she is cutting off all contact with him. They have been up and down, back and forth for quite a while now. So it's not a big surprise to either of us that it ended this way. That doesn't make it hurt less though.
Speaking of major... I learned last week that a very good friend of mine found out he was HIV positive. It's my friend Cody...who I talk to daily...and who I also was involved with right after I moved in 2007 (but a while before Dante came on the physical scene). So naturally when he shared this with me, I was in a state of panic, because I couldn't remember the last time I had a test done! I know that he had to get tested every 6 months to be able to participate in this minor league wrestling organization. I knew that for all of 2008 and all of 2007 he was negative. Deep down, I knew that I was probably safe. But still...you know?
I called Wayne and totally freaked out. I didn't want to call the BFF while she was at a client on-site. I didn't want to bother Dante with my neurotics while he was working either. The plan was to go get tested the next day, but I wasn't looking forward to the waiting process. Then I found out from Cody about this thing called OraQuick, that has test results in 20 minutes. I found a place in St. Louis that did it for free and planned to go the next day. But, there were the snow days that kept the kids home for 2 days straight, so I had to wait til Thursday. I am negative, which by testing day I was no longer worried that I was anything but negative. So, since then I have been trying to help him deal with it. He told his girlfriend of almost a year on Friday, she tested negative that day, but she also told him that she is cutting off all contact with him. They have been up and down, back and forth for quite a while now. So it's not a big surprise to either of us that it ended this way. That doesn't make it hurt less though.
December 17, 2008
A Mellow Day
Didn't do my usual running today. Bruzer and I hit a couple stores, then ate Chick-Fil-A at the mall (on an entertainment book coupon, of course). We were home by 1p, where I lounged at the computer until it was time to pick up the kids. They get out half an hour early on Wednesday...every Wednesday. I am pretty good at remembering though, it just means I have to cut my day a little shorter than usual.
CGR and I had a great talk today. Seems things are going better for him and the girlfriend. Even though she's not my favorite person, as long as she makes him happy I'm okay with her. I even admitted to him today that I can say I leaning toward the "in love" category when it comes to Dante. Yes, I did say it just that cryptically!! I just feel a lot more comfortable letting myself go knowing that he is doing the same. I know it's not all the way yet, but it is definitely different than before. And I am most assuredly enjoying it too!!
I've been watching old episodes of Bones this evening, between cooking dinner and chatting with Jerome. I don't mention him much on here, but I talk to him pretty much every day. He's really a sweet guy, not much into the club scene or for being around a lot of people. He usually has a wandering eye, but this woman he's involved with now definitely has his heart. What I do know for sure is if he would have strayed, he would have told me! I'm basically the closest thing he has to a best friend! They have been together for almost 9 months now, and it hasn't been easy but they keep trying. No knock-down, drag-out fights or infidelity or anything like that. They're just trying to work through subtle differences, as we all do when we truly desire couplehood.
I ordered more books from Karen Kingsbury last night on Amazon. Don't worry, no spending frenzy alert needed. My total -with shipping- was $13 for 3 books!! I went into the Christian bookstore at the mall today and got 3 books by Michelle McKinney-Hammond. I am very excited to read those, and will give reviews as I do.
That's it for today, I'm headed to the bath now and bed later!
CGR and I had a great talk today. Seems things are going better for him and the girlfriend. Even though she's not my favorite person, as long as she makes him happy I'm okay with her. I even admitted to him today that I can say I leaning toward the "in love" category when it comes to Dante. Yes, I did say it just that cryptically!! I just feel a lot more comfortable letting myself go knowing that he is doing the same. I know it's not all the way yet, but it is definitely different than before. And I am most assuredly enjoying it too!!
I've been watching old episodes of Bones this evening, between cooking dinner and chatting with Jerome. I don't mention him much on here, but I talk to him pretty much every day. He's really a sweet guy, not much into the club scene or for being around a lot of people. He usually has a wandering eye, but this woman he's involved with now definitely has his heart. What I do know for sure is if he would have strayed, he would have told me! I'm basically the closest thing he has to a best friend! They have been together for almost 9 months now, and it hasn't been easy but they keep trying. No knock-down, drag-out fights or infidelity or anything like that. They're just trying to work through subtle differences, as we all do when we truly desire couplehood.
I ordered more books from Karen Kingsbury last night on Amazon. Don't worry, no spending frenzy alert needed. My total -with shipping- was $13 for 3 books!! I went into the Christian bookstore at the mall today and got 3 books by Michelle McKinney-Hammond. I am very excited to read those, and will give reviews as I do.
That's it for today, I'm headed to the bath now and bed later!
October 10, 2008
Mysterious Ways...
Got a call from the bff today. Very quick call because she has been pretty busy at work. Glad she's doing okay. It could be coincidence (or - more likely - God calling me out on what I said the last post about feeling envy), but I thought it odd that she mentioned how upset it makes her when people are jealous of her other friends. She said she rebuked that because it was not a fruit of the Spirit. Then she said she doesn't belong to anyone. Coincidence??
Now, in no way do I disagree, and I checked myself about it already. I felt that I was being childish. I have no ill will towards Meda (the lady she stays with when she's here). Was happy to see her and hugged her with no reservations. But I wanted to be honest with myself too, and that's why I let the word be exposed in written form. Because you know what? If she comes to St. Louis and doesn't see me at all, that's her right to do so! The fault is not hers, it's mine. I pray to God to remove any remnants of envy in my heart, because it's a negative and unfruitful emotion...and that is NOT of God in any way.
So all is well in my world. As I stated in the last post, it's a cut-and-dry situation, it is what it is. When she comes to town, she stays with Meda, she hangs with Meda, she spends most of her time socializing with Meda. That's the way it is and I am 100% fine with that...because it's her choice and that's apparently what makes her happy, which is what matters most.
Life is a process, we learn more everyday. The key, however, is applying what we've learned.
Now, in no way do I disagree, and I checked myself about it already. I felt that I was being childish. I have no ill will towards Meda (the lady she stays with when she's here). Was happy to see her and hugged her with no reservations. But I wanted to be honest with myself too, and that's why I let the word be exposed in written form. Because you know what? If she comes to St. Louis and doesn't see me at all, that's her right to do so! The fault is not hers, it's mine. I pray to God to remove any remnants of envy in my heart, because it's a negative and unfruitful emotion...and that is NOT of God in any way.
So all is well in my world. As I stated in the last post, it's a cut-and-dry situation, it is what it is. When she comes to town, she stays with Meda, she hangs with Meda, she spends most of her time socializing with Meda. That's the way it is and I am 100% fine with that...because it's her choice and that's apparently what makes her happy, which is what matters most.
Life is a process, we learn more everyday. The key, however, is applying what we've learned.
August 31, 2008
New Look
I haven't taken pics of the new 'do yet! But I did what I said I was gonna do. I relaxed it, then cut and styled it. Nothing major...except for the 3 inches I removed from the front for bangs! Okay, it was more like about 4 and a half inches, actually. But I am very pleased with the outcome! It was the change I said I needed. Now, I need to perfect the face look and work on the body, and I will be good to go!
So, I am writing it down and making a commitment right here and now. Remember waaaay back when I was doing the crunches thing? Yeah, well. No more excuses. No more BS. It will be done!
Here's the drill: Start out Week 1 with 50 am and 50 pm. Week 2 is 75 am and 75 pm. Week 3 is 100 am and 100 pm. Week 4 is 125 am and 125 pm. That's where I max out and maintain permanently at 250 crunches per day. To make it even better, I am starting it on a Monday! I did it before, I can surely do it again!
We took the kids apple and peach picking yesterday. They had a good time. Then we went down to Grandmother's and visited with her and mom. All 3 girls were there with out kids, less my oldest niece as usual (she was sick). We got some chinese food at the infamous 'Orange Rice House'. That's not the name of it, but the building has been there and orange since I was a kid, so that name is more recognizable. I called my friend RT since he lived less than a block away. He walked over to see me while we were waiting on the food to be done. He is such a retard! Even though were all growed up now with kids and bills and households and stuff, talking to him takes me back to being a 14-year-old kid again! There is no kind of romantic interest there. I mean honestly, I really only have eyes for one person nowadays. (Okay, two if you count Dwayne Johnson!) But we can be friends and talk about the kids and parenting and just life in general, and it's even better without that bogus sexual tension/pressure that so many men and women feel around each other.
Anywho, we stayed over Grandmother's about an hour or so, then we all headed home. Me and the kids lounged for the most part today, less DJ who is with his dad. Yeah, Mr. I-Just-Up-And-Moved-To-Kansas City-Without-A-Job-Or-Any-Known-Reason came into town for the weekend! I leisurely did laundry. I bought breakfast at McDonald's this morning, then went to the Farmer's Market for a few things. I worked with Starr outside for about 30min trying to teach her to ride a bike. She allows herself to get so frustrated, which I am starting to believe is my fault for being so hard on her. That's another story though, I am working my way through that one. It was hot and everyone was sweating and she was getting careless, so we came in the house. As I assured her, there will be other days and giving up is not an option.
Words to live by...
So, I am writing it down and making a commitment right here and now. Remember waaaay back when I was doing the crunches thing? Yeah, well. No more excuses. No more BS. It will be done!
Here's the drill: Start out Week 1 with 50 am and 50 pm. Week 2 is 75 am and 75 pm. Week 3 is 100 am and 100 pm. Week 4 is 125 am and 125 pm. That's where I max out and maintain permanently at 250 crunches per day. To make it even better, I am starting it on a Monday! I did it before, I can surely do it again!
We took the kids apple and peach picking yesterday. They had a good time. Then we went down to Grandmother's and visited with her and mom. All 3 girls were there with out kids, less my oldest niece as usual (she was sick). We got some chinese food at the infamous 'Orange Rice House'. That's not the name of it, but the building has been there and orange since I was a kid, so that name is more recognizable. I called my friend RT since he lived less than a block away. He walked over to see me while we were waiting on the food to be done. He is such a retard! Even though were all growed up now with kids and bills and households and stuff, talking to him takes me back to being a 14-year-old kid again! There is no kind of romantic interest there. I mean honestly, I really only have eyes for one person nowadays. (Okay, two if you count Dwayne Johnson!) But we can be friends and talk about the kids and parenting and just life in general, and it's even better without that bogus sexual tension/pressure that so many men and women feel around each other.
Anywho, we stayed over Grandmother's about an hour or so, then we all headed home. Me and the kids lounged for the most part today, less DJ who is with his dad. Yeah, Mr. I-Just-Up-And-Moved-To-Kansas City-Without-A-Job-Or-Any-Known-Reason came into town for the weekend! I leisurely did laundry. I bought breakfast at McDonald's this morning, then went to the Farmer's Market for a few things. I worked with Starr outside for about 30min trying to teach her to ride a bike. She allows herself to get so frustrated, which I am starting to believe is my fault for being so hard on her. That's another story though, I am working my way through that one. It was hot and everyone was sweating and she was getting careless, so we came in the house. As I assured her, there will be other days and giving up is not an option.
Words to live by...
June 30, 2008
Happy Monday...and stuff!
Things are pretty tough right now financially, so I barely wanted to get out of bed this morning. But I did, and had a decent morning getting ready. Made it to work on time, which is always good. Was almost in tears on the way there, but I pulled it together.
I am such an desperate financial state that I am willing to do something that was once unthinkable!
NO...not that!!!!
I am thinking about asking my first husband (ie, DJ's father) to give me the money. I mean, really, I have never in 11 years asked him for anything additional. Not for pictures or sports fees or when the power was off or when the water was off. Never. So, I have to work up the nerve to actually humble myself enough to ask.
Meanwhile, I am breaking down my inner me to figure out why I keep ending up at the same point in my life: broke, busted and disgusted! (as the saying goes) I am definitely making headway, and am currently in the process of changing that "stinkin' thinkin'" to a more fruitful, productive, and positive me!
By the way, if you as a woman are looking for a great book to help you "sort things out" and get on the "right track", PLEASE run to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy of The Power of Focus for Women by Fran Hewitt!!! I know I have mentioned it before, but I can't say enough about it and how it is getting to the root of so many of my issues! After I finish this one, I will go back and read The Power of Focus by Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul series co-authors).
One thing I know I have to do, but haven't done is keep a money log. I need to be more mindful of every dollar I spend, so that I can determine where I bleed currency every month. It will be hard to do this week, since I have NO MONEY to watch, but nonetheless I have to begin somewhere.
I am glad to put this day behind me. I had a very bad email issue come up at work today from something I sent to those I thought were friends (and mature adults), and one person ruined it for all involved. I was so upset and embarrassed, that when I finally had to confront him about it, I let him have it! Sometimes these holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, I'm-better-than-you-
because-I-go-to-church-every-Sunday people are just TOO MUCH for me to deal with!! What they don't realize is that THEY are the reason some people avoid churches altogether...to avoid their judgmental asses!! After relaying the story to my mother, she summed it up quite nicely: "The devil won this round. Instead of everyone just focusing on the positiveness of the message of God, the message was lost in the mess that this other person created!"
So, my status message on yahoo currently states this: 'Funny how the devil uses people of God for his dirtywork...and they don't even know it!'
Ending this to say, quite simply, any and all esteem and regard I had for the Commander has left. I wish him the best, but all such foolishness and negativity will be cut from my life. It's a new day for me!
I am such an desperate financial state that I am willing to do something that was once unthinkable!
NO...not that!!!!
I am thinking about asking my first husband (ie, DJ's father) to give me the money. I mean, really, I have never in 11 years asked him for anything additional. Not for pictures or sports fees or when the power was off or when the water was off. Never. So, I have to work up the nerve to actually humble myself enough to ask.
Meanwhile, I am breaking down my inner me to figure out why I keep ending up at the same point in my life: broke, busted and disgusted! (as the saying goes) I am definitely making headway, and am currently in the process of changing that "stinkin' thinkin'" to a more fruitful, productive, and positive me!
By the way, if you as a woman are looking for a great book to help you "sort things out" and get on the "right track", PLEASE run to the nearest bookstore and buy a copy of The Power of Focus for Women by Fran Hewitt!!! I know I have mentioned it before, but I can't say enough about it and how it is getting to the root of so many of my issues! After I finish this one, I will go back and read The Power of Focus by Les Hewitt, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen (Chicken Soup for the Soul series co-authors).
One thing I know I have to do, but haven't done is keep a money log. I need to be more mindful of every dollar I spend, so that I can determine where I bleed currency every month. It will be hard to do this week, since I have NO MONEY to watch, but nonetheless I have to begin somewhere.
I am glad to put this day behind me. I had a very bad email issue come up at work today from something I sent to those I thought were friends (and mature adults), and one person ruined it for all involved. I was so upset and embarrassed, that when I finally had to confront him about it, I let him have it! Sometimes these holier-than-thou, sanctimonious, I'm-better-than-you-
because-I-go-to-church-every-Sunday people are just TOO MUCH for me to deal with!! What they don't realize is that THEY are the reason some people avoid churches altogether...to avoid their judgmental asses!! After relaying the story to my mother, she summed it up quite nicely: "The devil won this round. Instead of everyone just focusing on the positiveness of the message of God, the message was lost in the mess that this other person created!"
So, my status message on yahoo currently states this: 'Funny how the devil uses people of God for his dirtywork...and they don't even know it!'
Ending this to say, quite simply, any and all esteem and regard I had for the Commander has left. I wish him the best, but all such foolishness and negativity will be cut from my life. It's a new day for me!
March 26, 2008
Happy Humpday!!!
Today was a good day...it was kind of long at work, but it was a good day. I made a hotel reservation for one of my coworkers that plans to stay overnight after the dinner dance. We talked about what we might wear. I hope to be wearing something rather nice...that I can fit very well! I really hope my punkin is able to go, otherwise I won't stay overnight. I have that day off, but I'm thinking about changing it to a half day and just leave work that at noon.
Did I tell you he gave me the cutest card when we were in Sikeston? Very cute! It was a singing card, and when you opened it up Sonny and Cher crooned "I Got You Babe"! You talk about grinning from ear to ear!! What a nice thought!
I haven't heard from him since Monday when we talked and chatted briefly. I believe he went out into the field on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as originally thought. Yes, I was freaking out a little at first, but then logic regained control. There is absolutely no way he wouldn't respond to my usual text messages, that's just not who he has been. Period.
I ran into an old friend today on the way back from Chipotle. His name is Doug and we used to hang out when I was in high school. We both worked at Wendy's together. Long story short, he was really liking me but I was all into my high school sweetheart Rickm so noone had a shot! Apparently I broke his heart and there may have been actual tears shed by him, so to his mom I was MUD!! Rightly so, cause I would have had an issue with some little girl who did that to my son too! Anyway, we are older now, kids, marriages, divorces, the works. He is in the process of his divorce now, so life is pretty difficult. I offered my words of encouragement merely because I have been there. I didn't play the little phony line "Don't Worry it get better", while I am looking like I am top of the world...that is a BIG pet peeve of mine! I told him how I know it gets better...and worse...and better - because I have been through it! I really think I was a blessing to him today, and when I got into the car to head back to work I thanked God for that opportunity to help someone else.
I was on a high all day long after that, feeling really great. That is until I got home and realized the water was off and I don't have any money to pay it!
Told ya! Better...then worse...then better...then...
Did I tell you he gave me the cutest card when we were in Sikeston? Very cute! It was a singing card, and when you opened it up Sonny and Cher crooned "I Got You Babe"! You talk about grinning from ear to ear!! What a nice thought!
I haven't heard from him since Monday when we talked and chatted briefly. I believe he went out into the field on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as originally thought. Yes, I was freaking out a little at first, but then logic regained control. There is absolutely no way he wouldn't respond to my usual text messages, that's just not who he has been. Period.
I ran into an old friend today on the way back from Chipotle. His name is Doug and we used to hang out when I was in high school. We both worked at Wendy's together. Long story short, he was really liking me but I was all into my high school sweetheart Rickm so noone had a shot! Apparently I broke his heart and there may have been actual tears shed by him, so to his mom I was MUD!! Rightly so, cause I would have had an issue with some little girl who did that to my son too! Anyway, we are older now, kids, marriages, divorces, the works. He is in the process of his divorce now, so life is pretty difficult. I offered my words of encouragement merely because I have been there. I didn't play the little phony line "Don't Worry it get better", while I am looking like I am top of the world...that is a BIG pet peeve of mine! I told him how I know it gets better...and worse...and better - because I have been through it! I really think I was a blessing to him today, and when I got into the car to head back to work I thanked God for that opportunity to help someone else.
I was on a high all day long after that, feeling really great. That is until I got home and realized the water was off and I don't have any money to pay it!
Told ya! Better...then worse...then better...then...
February 13, 2008
Valentine's Eve
I am sad cause I miss my sweetie, but I actually enjoyed helping my kids with their school valentines! Who knew??
My sister (the Officer) went to the dollar store and got candy for the kids to take to school. I was gonna be a total slacker mom, yes I was. But at least they had their valentine cards!!
So, DJ and Starr worked on theirs while I cooked Hamburger Helper for dinner, and did some laundry, and prepared the bulk meat packages for the freezer. After dinner, Bruzer and I worked on his. I did the writing, and he was the "sticker guy". Then Champagne and I did hers. She wrote he name all by herself, and did a pretty good job! I told her I was very proud of her.
I was convicted today by some things Joyce Meyer said in a podcast I downloaded to my Walkman mp3 player. She said when her kids were growing up, she was always nagging about something, it was never quite right. If something was out of place, she had to say something about it. And to this day, she wishes she knew then what she knows now, because she would have merely enjoyed them growing up more....and nagged less! That is me. I don't nitpick and fuss about every little thing, but I really do enough of it to make it seem like it! So, as GI Joe (the cartoon) says: "Knowing is half the battle!"
Other than that, it has been an uneventful evening. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and my sweetie is on the other side of the country, in another time zone, hundreds of miles away. He is also going through some turmoil of the heart right now, of which I totally understand, and it just makes me want to be with him even more. We are friends first, and right now he needs one that totally gets what he's going through. But, I have confidence in him, he will be okay. He just needs to "balance out" (remember, I explained that before).
Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers, the friends, and the hopeless/hopefull romantics in cyberland!
My sister (the Officer) went to the dollar store and got candy for the kids to take to school. I was gonna be a total slacker mom, yes I was. But at least they had their valentine cards!!
So, DJ and Starr worked on theirs while I cooked Hamburger Helper for dinner, and did some laundry, and prepared the bulk meat packages for the freezer. After dinner, Bruzer and I worked on his. I did the writing, and he was the "sticker guy". Then Champagne and I did hers. She wrote he name all by herself, and did a pretty good job! I told her I was very proud of her.
I was convicted today by some things Joyce Meyer said in a podcast I downloaded to my Walkman mp3 player. She said when her kids were growing up, she was always nagging about something, it was never quite right. If something was out of place, she had to say something about it. And to this day, she wishes she knew then what she knows now, because she would have merely enjoyed them growing up more....and nagged less! That is me. I don't nitpick and fuss about every little thing, but I really do enough of it to make it seem like it! So, as GI Joe (the cartoon) says: "Knowing is half the battle!"
Other than that, it has been an uneventful evening. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and my sweetie is on the other side of the country, in another time zone, hundreds of miles away. He is also going through some turmoil of the heart right now, of which I totally understand, and it just makes me want to be with him even more. We are friends first, and right now he needs one that totally gets what he's going through. But, I have confidence in him, he will be okay. He just needs to "balance out" (remember, I explained that before).
Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers, the friends, and the hopeless/hopefull romantics in cyberland!
February 11, 2008
Winter is STILL Here
Wow, what a day!!!
Had a car accident today. Could've been really bad, but God was truly protecting me and my van. It was sleeting today off and on, but it wasn't a wet and rainy kind of sleet like we are used to. It was more dry and snow like, literally blowing around on the road. I had to go to the bank to get money for my mom (making good on my part of the deal with her buying my van). On the way back, all was well. I wasn't speeding. I was driving normally and pretty defensively I thought. I was on the phone with my sweetie since he was driving to NC from Memphis.
No, I wasn't distracted. No, I wasn't dialing numbers ot texting, or anything like that. Yes, BOTH hands were on the wheel, my phone was resting between my head and my shoulder.
All of a sudden, the car began swerving as I was going up the exit ramp. I began braking slowly and trying to steer out of the fishtail that was starting to occur. But, I had no traction, everything I did was futile. I honestly can't imagine what was going through his mind as he had to listen to me screaming at the top of my lungs while I was spinning!
That's right, I said spinning! As in 360 degrees, this-is-not-the-magic-saucer-ride-at-Disney spinning! I think I did two before I finally left the road and was heading into the grassy embankment area. Part of that is really steep, so with the type of momentum my van was in I could have easily rolled over down that embankment! It was all grass, no concrete or anything like that. (trying not to be TOO dramatic....for once) I did stop not too far off the road. All I could think about was getting out of there. Once the car stopped and I was completely ok, I wanted my van to be okay, I was ready to get back to work. But, I was stuck...for a couple of minutes at most. I got out and looked at my van, all was well except for the license plate in the front was bent!
I alternated between drive and park, until I felt her gaining traction. Then we slowly creeped back up to the road. Just then, I saw another truck swerve totally off into the embankment on the other side! Something inside of me told me not to leave them, and I listened. So I got my van safely onto the actual road and pulled over to the right side well out of traffic's way. I made sure no cars were coming (and therefore swerving) before I got out to walk towards the SUV.
"We interrupt this blog to bring you the tragic story of a good samaritan struck and killed by an out of control vehicle on the icy roads today. The single mother of 4 young children had stopped to help another traveler who lost control of their vehicle just moments before."
NOT TRYING TO BE ON THE NEWS THAT WAY!!
Back to the story, and making it shorter, the other person turned out to be a coworker at my job! What were the odds of that really?? We in different departments, so we rarely see each other or really know each other. I didn't even know her name! We couldn't get her unstuck, so I called my manager to let him know what happened, and he walked over to her manager to go out and help her! Then I called my sweetie back to let him know all was well and I talked to him all the way til I got to my desk. He was definitely worried, and I know that was a very helpless feeling. I sent him a text later that said: "And here I was worrying about YOU driving!!"
How about that for a happy ending?? Oh, but one more thing:
Thank You Lord for Protecting me yet again! You are the One who will never fail me, nor disappoint me! If You bring tears to my eyes, they are surely for joy (as they were today)! I am unworthy but eternally grateful, and I thank You daily for Your mercy and grace!! Because of You Lord....I am still here!
Had a car accident today. Could've been really bad, but God was truly protecting me and my van. It was sleeting today off and on, but it wasn't a wet and rainy kind of sleet like we are used to. It was more dry and snow like, literally blowing around on the road. I had to go to the bank to get money for my mom (making good on my part of the deal with her buying my van). On the way back, all was well. I wasn't speeding. I was driving normally and pretty defensively I thought. I was on the phone with my sweetie since he was driving to NC from Memphis.
No, I wasn't distracted. No, I wasn't dialing numbers ot texting, or anything like that. Yes, BOTH hands were on the wheel, my phone was resting between my head and my shoulder.
All of a sudden, the car began swerving as I was going up the exit ramp. I began braking slowly and trying to steer out of the fishtail that was starting to occur. But, I had no traction, everything I did was futile. I honestly can't imagine what was going through his mind as he had to listen to me screaming at the top of my lungs while I was spinning!
That's right, I said spinning! As in 360 degrees, this-is-not-the-magic-saucer-ride-at-Disney spinning! I think I did two before I finally left the road and was heading into the grassy embankment area. Part of that is really steep, so with the type of momentum my van was in I could have easily rolled over down that embankment! It was all grass, no concrete or anything like that. (trying not to be TOO dramatic....for once) I did stop not too far off the road. All I could think about was getting out of there. Once the car stopped and I was completely ok, I wanted my van to be okay, I was ready to get back to work. But, I was stuck...for a couple of minutes at most. I got out and looked at my van, all was well except for the license plate in the front was bent!
I alternated between drive and park, until I felt her gaining traction. Then we slowly creeped back up to the road. Just then, I saw another truck swerve totally off into the embankment on the other side! Something inside of me told me not to leave them, and I listened. So I got my van safely onto the actual road and pulled over to the right side well out of traffic's way. I made sure no cars were coming (and therefore swerving) before I got out to walk towards the SUV.
"We interrupt this blog to bring you the tragic story of a good samaritan struck and killed by an out of control vehicle on the icy roads today. The single mother of 4 young children had stopped to help another traveler who lost control of their vehicle just moments before."
NOT TRYING TO BE ON THE NEWS THAT WAY!!
Back to the story, and making it shorter, the other person turned out to be a coworker at my job! What were the odds of that really?? We in different departments, so we rarely see each other or really know each other. I didn't even know her name! We couldn't get her unstuck, so I called my manager to let him know what happened, and he walked over to her manager to go out and help her! Then I called my sweetie back to let him know all was well and I talked to him all the way til I got to my desk. He was definitely worried, and I know that was a very helpless feeling. I sent him a text later that said: "And here I was worrying about YOU driving!!"
How about that for a happy ending?? Oh, but one more thing:
Thank You Lord for Protecting me yet again! You are the One who will never fail me, nor disappoint me! If You bring tears to my eyes, they are surely for joy (as they were today)! I am unworthy but eternally grateful, and I thank You daily for Your mercy and grace!! Because of You Lord....I am still here!
February 7, 2008
Wild Wednesday!!
Yesterday was very challenging. I couldn't even post this last night because I was so mentally exhausted!! So back to the beginning...
It started out that morning doing my usual wake-up call to Dante. I couldn't get a hold of him. I figured he had overslept BIG TIME, since I called about 10 times over the course of an hour. He had PT at 7a...and I finally stopped calling about 730a. I wouldn't have been this obsessive had there not been a damaging tornado that touched down near him in Bartlett!! I talked to him that night when I saw the initial report on cnn.com, and he confirmed he was okay. Well apparently, the power went out and his phone (aka his backup alarm clock) was charging in the car! Another emotional crisis averted!
Then it continued on when I got to work. I opened up my email, and there was a letter from the bff. Oh My God!! First, I was shocked. Then I was upset that such an emotionally explosive email was sent to my JOB! I mean, I was on the phone in my worst voice, trying not to cry.
Yes, then it changed to sadness. I won't go into the email specifics, but she went back and re-read the ranting email I wrote on my birthday weekend. I won't even link to it because, like I told her, I hadn't ever re-read that email because it brought up an upsetting period. Basically her email left me wondering what she was thinking. Like was she trying to decide if she even wanted to be friends anymore. That's the impression the email gave me, and it was too much to handle at once. Not like the rest of my life is going so peachy right now either, you know.
I had to get past it, because I don't have the type of job that I can leave to go home if I'm just not "up for it" that day.
So what did I do? I used my extreme personality to my professional benefit. I swung the pendulum to other side! I was insanely chipper and jokey and happy, until I was able to balance out after lunch. It worked...for the most part. She and I emailed back and forth a couple of times, and basically straightened things out by the end of the day.
To add to the emotional rollercoaster, I was following a thought in my head that led me to research potentional surgeons for a procedure that I may have one day. (Yes I am being purposely vague. No I will probably NEVER tell you what it is) What was best was reading the testimonials of real people, and to know I wasn't alone in the way I've been feeling. But, most of all, knowing there's hope for a different tomorrow. I was all mushy inside by the end of the workday!
Then I get to the daycare and get the "kids cannot return to daycare unless entire bill is paid" statement, which I call the 'love note' for short. I wrote a check a few weeks back and wrapped it in a full piece of paper that I had written a note on. I also post-dated the check for a week later when I got paid. They completely disregarded both of those things and deposited the check when they felt like it. So of course it bounced, because I hadn't gotten paid yet. But, you know I just have hundreds of dollars just LYING around everywhere right? So, in their world, it's not that I can't afford to pay at that exact moment. It's that I CHOOSE not to share all the money I have in the bank with them!
Yeah! As if!
So, as it turns out, I ended up missing today anyway! I was so emotionally exhausted by the end of yesterday...I just didn't care anymore. I got up and called in this morning. Then I called Dante to make sure he was awake, and proceeded to get up and get moving as usual.
Still no direct deposit of federal taxes yet, hoping for tomorrow. Still very inconsistent on the child support payments from Joe, don't know what's going on with the job. All I know is I've gotten 3 payments in the last 6-8 weeks, as opposed to 1 every week. That's like an almost $3 an hour pay cut! How would you do in that situation??
Welcome to my world.
It started out that morning doing my usual wake-up call to Dante. I couldn't get a hold of him. I figured he had overslept BIG TIME, since I called about 10 times over the course of an hour. He had PT at 7a...and I finally stopped calling about 730a. I wouldn't have been this obsessive had there not been a damaging tornado that touched down near him in Bartlett!! I talked to him that night when I saw the initial report on cnn.com, and he confirmed he was okay. Well apparently, the power went out and his phone (aka his backup alarm clock) was charging in the car! Another emotional crisis averted!
Then it continued on when I got to work. I opened up my email, and there was a letter from the bff. Oh My God!! First, I was shocked. Then I was upset that such an emotionally explosive email was sent to my JOB! I mean, I was on the phone in my worst voice, trying not to cry.
Yes, then it changed to sadness. I won't go into the email specifics, but she went back and re-read the ranting email I wrote on my birthday weekend. I won't even link to it because, like I told her, I hadn't ever re-read that email because it brought up an upsetting period. Basically her email left me wondering what she was thinking. Like was she trying to decide if she even wanted to be friends anymore. That's the impression the email gave me, and it was too much to handle at once. Not like the rest of my life is going so peachy right now either, you know.
I had to get past it, because I don't have the type of job that I can leave to go home if I'm just not "up for it" that day.
So what did I do? I used my extreme personality to my professional benefit. I swung the pendulum to other side! I was insanely chipper and jokey and happy, until I was able to balance out after lunch. It worked...for the most part. She and I emailed back and forth a couple of times, and basically straightened things out by the end of the day.
To add to the emotional rollercoaster, I was following a thought in my head that led me to research potentional surgeons for a procedure that I may have one day. (Yes I am being purposely vague. No I will probably NEVER tell you what it is) What was best was reading the testimonials of real people, and to know I wasn't alone in the way I've been feeling. But, most of all, knowing there's hope for a different tomorrow. I was all mushy inside by the end of the workday!
Then I get to the daycare and get the "kids cannot return to daycare unless entire bill is paid" statement, which I call the 'love note' for short. I wrote a check a few weeks back and wrapped it in a full piece of paper that I had written a note on. I also post-dated the check for a week later when I got paid. They completely disregarded both of those things and deposited the check when they felt like it. So of course it bounced, because I hadn't gotten paid yet. But, you know I just have hundreds of dollars just LYING around everywhere right? So, in their world, it's not that I can't afford to pay at that exact moment. It's that I CHOOSE not to share all the money I have in the bank with them!
Yeah! As if!
So, as it turns out, I ended up missing today anyway! I was so emotionally exhausted by the end of yesterday...I just didn't care anymore. I got up and called in this morning. Then I called Dante to make sure he was awake, and proceeded to get up and get moving as usual.
Still no direct deposit of federal taxes yet, hoping for tomorrow. Still very inconsistent on the child support payments from Joe, don't know what's going on with the job. All I know is I've gotten 3 payments in the last 6-8 weeks, as opposed to 1 every week. That's like an almost $3 an hour pay cut! How would you do in that situation??
Welcome to my world.
February 5, 2008
Just One of Those Days
Wow...today was a challenging day to keep the positive thoughts flowing! SO much stuff is going on!
Money is not where it could be. Still waiting on my refund deposit...ANXIOUSLY awaiting it.
Don't know what's going on with the bff. She has been incommunicado for the past few days. I called her a couple of times on Sunday on my way home and did hear from her. I sent a text message. Nothing. I called Monday morning. Nothing. I get a very vague email saying she was not in the mood to talk yet about stuff that happened over the weekend. Tuesday morning I sent a text. Nothing. I sent an email asking was everything ok, and was it something I did? She didn't answer the second question but said everything was not okay. I just think that's weird, but I understand that all people are different.
When I go in my little shell, I may not reach out first, but I don't just shut people out. I still do that now for the most part. Most people I talk to call me first, otherwise I could be in my little world all evening. But if someone calls, I answer. I won't just look at the call and ignore it. But that's just who I am, and I have to accept that everyone isn't the same. People handle situations in their lives differently. Kween helped me understand that today. She told me weeks went by once and she just didn't talk to any of her friends, and barely talked to her kids. The phone would ring or they would send a text message, and she would just look at it. She said she would maybe check the voicemail to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, but that was it. She said it was so bad they called her daughter's phone to make sure nothing had happened to her!
That's just weird to me. Why would you just shut people out that have done nothing wrong to you? But it makes perfect sense to her. So, I just have to realize that it's not all about me (shocking, I know)...and when my bff wants to talk to me again, I will be here. But man, tomorrow is Wednesday, this is very challenging!
It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me.
Yeah, still not working. Tomorrow will be better though, I PROMISE.
pps. Was freaking out due to tornadoes waaaaay too close to Dante in Memphis! But he comfirmed he is fine. Waiting to hear from Kween about her folks.
Money is not where it could be. Still waiting on my refund deposit...ANXIOUSLY awaiting it.
Don't know what's going on with the bff. She has been incommunicado for the past few days. I called her a couple of times on Sunday on my way home and did hear from her. I sent a text message. Nothing. I called Monday morning. Nothing. I get a very vague email saying she was not in the mood to talk yet about stuff that happened over the weekend. Tuesday morning I sent a text. Nothing. I sent an email asking was everything ok, and was it something I did? She didn't answer the second question but said everything was not okay. I just think that's weird, but I understand that all people are different.
When I go in my little shell, I may not reach out first, but I don't just shut people out. I still do that now for the most part. Most people I talk to call me first, otherwise I could be in my little world all evening. But if someone calls, I answer. I won't just look at the call and ignore it. But that's just who I am, and I have to accept that everyone isn't the same. People handle situations in their lives differently. Kween helped me understand that today. She told me weeks went by once and she just didn't talk to any of her friends, and barely talked to her kids. The phone would ring or they would send a text message, and she would just look at it. She said she would maybe check the voicemail to make sure nothing was seriously wrong, but that was it. She said it was so bad they called her daughter's phone to make sure nothing had happened to her!
That's just weird to me. Why would you just shut people out that have done nothing wrong to you? But it makes perfect sense to her. So, I just have to realize that it's not all about me (shocking, I know)...and when my bff wants to talk to me again, I will be here. But man, tomorrow is Wednesday, this is very challenging!
It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me.
Yeah, still not working. Tomorrow will be better though, I PROMISE.
pps. Was freaking out due to tornadoes waaaaay too close to Dante in Memphis! But he comfirmed he is fine. Waiting to hear from Kween about her folks.
February 1, 2008
Today is the Day
Well, it snowed pretty good here. I am glad I took the day off for sure!
I got out there this morning and shoveled the back walk area so me and my neighbors could both get to the basement. If you remember, my basement is accessible only through an outside door. It's not as bad as you may think, even in this weather I don't even wear a coat to down there. Then a little later, my neighbor and her oldest son shoveled the front walkway.
I started my laundry, since I am down to no underwear! Yeah, I said it! I'm wearing the last pair right now!! But I tell this much, my kids have clean underwear in their drawers...and that's where my first priority lies! I then went and shoveled around the van and cleaned her (my van) off. I still need to get the fuel system cleaned before I get on the road.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that! I went to the doctor the other day because my throat was so bad, I couldn't eat or drink cause it hurt to swallow. Of course the next day it was feeling better - and I hadn't even got the meds yet!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!
After the doctor appointment, I went to Valvoline and got my oil changed since I had an awesome $15 off coupon! I got the high-mileage synthetic blend, which means I can go 4000 miles. She does have 119,000 miles on her, and I plan to keep her for another couple of years, so I gotta take care of her! I was worried but fuel efficiency was lagging and so was her get-up-and-go, thought it was time for a tune-up (which are not cheap). Turns out, according to very helpful and hands-on (the van, of course) guy at Valvoline, I need my fuel system cleaned. He showed it to me and explained it to me. He even asked me, if my van was having a bit of hesitation going up hills and stuff...so I don't feel like I'm getting hosed! That's about $75, as opposed to near $200 for a BASIC tune-up. I told my mom about it, and she said she was going to go check them out before she spends almost $400 on a tuneup for her '97 Chrysler Town and Country! I pray that works for her also.
So, I am getting the kids ready while my clothes are washing and drying. Then I'm gonna jump in the shower and also wash my hair while I'm in there. It's going on one o'clock now, and I would like to be on the road by about 4 or 5 this afternoon. My bff told me this morning that she has a 'bad feeling' about me going, and she just wanted to go on record as saying such. My family has been freaking out because of the weather and telling me of course maybe I should postpone and all that. But, that's why I am waiting, cause I want there to be plenty of time for them to get the roads cleared, plowed and well-salted. Once I get out of Missouri, there's nothing...and I will be very careful. I PROMISE!!
Why am I still going? Not because I am so desperate to see Dante. Not because I can't wait to get away from my children. But because I am tired of always settling for disappointment because obstacles get in the way. I have really been looking forward to this trip, and usually when I plan (and look forward to) something in advance it always falls through! (Remember my birthday?) Enough with that life! I have to make decisions for myself (as -ironically- my bff was just talking about doing in her life in that same conversation). Because honestly, if it's a bad decision I would have noone to blame or fault but myself, instead of wishing or regretting not following my own mind. My mind is telling me to be cautious and careful on the roads, don't rush, and make sure the car is highway worthy. That's what I'm listening to.
I'll let you know how WONDERFULLY things went when I get back.
I got out there this morning and shoveled the back walk area so me and my neighbors could both get to the basement. If you remember, my basement is accessible only through an outside door. It's not as bad as you may think, even in this weather I don't even wear a coat to down there. Then a little later, my neighbor and her oldest son shoveled the front walkway.
I started my laundry, since I am down to no underwear! Yeah, I said it! I'm wearing the last pair right now!! But I tell this much, my kids have clean underwear in their drawers...and that's where my first priority lies! I then went and shoveled around the van and cleaned her (my van) off. I still need to get the fuel system cleaned before I get on the road.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that! I went to the doctor the other day because my throat was so bad, I couldn't eat or drink cause it hurt to swallow. Of course the next day it was feeling better - and I hadn't even got the meds yet!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!
After the doctor appointment, I went to Valvoline and got my oil changed since I had an awesome $15 off coupon! I got the high-mileage synthetic blend, which means I can go 4000 miles. She does have 119,000 miles on her, and I plan to keep her for another couple of years, so I gotta take care of her! I was worried but fuel efficiency was lagging and so was her get-up-and-go, thought it was time for a tune-up (which are not cheap). Turns out, according to very helpful and hands-on (the van, of course) guy at Valvoline, I need my fuel system cleaned. He showed it to me and explained it to me. He even asked me, if my van was having a bit of hesitation going up hills and stuff...so I don't feel like I'm getting hosed! That's about $75, as opposed to near $200 for a BASIC tune-up. I told my mom about it, and she said she was going to go check them out before she spends almost $400 on a tuneup for her '97 Chrysler Town and Country! I pray that works for her also.
So, I am getting the kids ready while my clothes are washing and drying. Then I'm gonna jump in the shower and also wash my hair while I'm in there. It's going on one o'clock now, and I would like to be on the road by about 4 or 5 this afternoon. My bff told me this morning that she has a 'bad feeling' about me going, and she just wanted to go on record as saying such. My family has been freaking out because of the weather and telling me of course maybe I should postpone and all that. But, that's why I am waiting, cause I want there to be plenty of time for them to get the roads cleared, plowed and well-salted. Once I get out of Missouri, there's nothing...and I will be very careful. I PROMISE!!
Why am I still going? Not because I am so desperate to see Dante. Not because I can't wait to get away from my children. But because I am tired of always settling for disappointment because obstacles get in the way. I have really been looking forward to this trip, and usually when I plan (and look forward to) something in advance it always falls through! (Remember my birthday?) Enough with that life! I have to make decisions for myself (as -ironically- my bff was just talking about doing in her life in that same conversation). Because honestly, if it's a bad decision I would have noone to blame or fault but myself, instead of wishing or regretting not following my own mind. My mind is telling me to be cautious and careful on the roads, don't rush, and make sure the car is highway worthy. That's what I'm listening to.
I'll let you know how WONDERFULLY things went when I get back.
January 17, 2008
A Rough Couple of Days
Not for me personally, but for my bff. The guy she was seeing while on her project in Dallas turned out to be a serpent! She has been torn up for the past 2 days. Just to the point of uncontrollable tears, poor thing. I know that feeling...I have experienced it more than I care to remember.
So, we'll call him Davie (doesn't really matter, cause after this post he won't be mentioned again).
It's a long, complicated story, but the highlights are that they didn't get together the first time she was sent there for business. She was very into someone else at the time, and considering he was in the process of a divorce, she figured he would need time to heal anyway. Well, what he did was he went and got himself a girlfriend. Let him tell it, this girl was totally jealous and controlling. All of a sudden, my bff wasn't "allowed" to just randomly call or text him, cause "she checks my phone". They would see each other hit and miss, amybe once a week.
This went on for months, to the point that we had to come to an agreement about it. I didn't like the thought of my bff settling for being the "other woman" because that's really what she was. No matter how many times he talked about this woman and how she was so horrible, the story stayed the same. You know the line: "Just be patient." Yeah, that one.
Please know, I am the LAST somebody to call her a fool, cause I have been there. I repeat: I have been there! I finally got an understanding of what the draw was to him for her. She saw the sweet vulnerable side a few times, and that's what she was attached to. Though unfortunately the dominating side she experienced most was not so kind, sweet and gentle. He would constantly remind her of this other woman on the one hand, but then turn around and 'baby, baby, baby' on the other! Men can be so messy sometimes!
Well, him being married for 13 years was a big deal to her, and she totally entertained the thought that him and the wife/ex-wife could reconcile at any time. I didn't get that concept because I see divorce as FINAL. Unless God says otherwise, and the people have been transformed by His Holy Spirit. Other than that? No.
Well, guess what he tells her 2 days ago? You guessed it! That he's getting back with his ex-wife! I do not believe it, the story makes no sense...too many holes. But anyway, at first she was fine cause she had expected that as a possibility. Then reality set it, and it has been a struggle ever since. Do you know what it's like to listen to someone you love cry uncontrollably on the phone from hundreds of miles away, and you know you can't get to them? It is a very helpless feeling, let me tell you. But God!!!!
Prayers are answered, let me say. She had a good day yesterday for the most part, then today just spiraled out of control quickly. But God, as usual, just in the nick of time, answered her prayer to take the pain away! She is off that project down there and will be going home from Dallas for good tomorrow!
He answered another of hers too, though it was a more painful answer. Ever since she had been dealing with Davie, she said she had no peace. She was always on eggshells, worried that a text message might make him mad or if she emailed too much or called, whether he would start fussing. She just wanted her peace back. Well, with him out of the picture...that prayer was answered too! Brighter days are ahead! Bigger and better things lie in store. You can't get to something, if you don't go through nothing!!!
So, we'll call him Davie (doesn't really matter, cause after this post he won't be mentioned again).
It's a long, complicated story, but the highlights are that they didn't get together the first time she was sent there for business. She was very into someone else at the time, and considering he was in the process of a divorce, she figured he would need time to heal anyway. Well, what he did was he went and got himself a girlfriend. Let him tell it, this girl was totally jealous and controlling. All of a sudden, my bff wasn't "allowed" to just randomly call or text him, cause "she checks my phone". They would see each other hit and miss, amybe once a week.
This went on for months, to the point that we had to come to an agreement about it. I didn't like the thought of my bff settling for being the "other woman" because that's really what she was. No matter how many times he talked about this woman and how she was so horrible, the story stayed the same. You know the line: "Just be patient." Yeah, that one.
Please know, I am the LAST somebody to call her a fool, cause I have been there. I repeat: I have been there! I finally got an understanding of what the draw was to him for her. She saw the sweet vulnerable side a few times, and that's what she was attached to. Though unfortunately the dominating side she experienced most was not so kind, sweet and gentle. He would constantly remind her of this other woman on the one hand, but then turn around and 'baby, baby, baby' on the other! Men can be so messy sometimes!
Well, him being married for 13 years was a big deal to her, and she totally entertained the thought that him and the wife/ex-wife could reconcile at any time. I didn't get that concept because I see divorce as FINAL. Unless God says otherwise, and the people have been transformed by His Holy Spirit. Other than that? No.
Well, guess what he tells her 2 days ago? You guessed it! That he's getting back with his ex-wife! I do not believe it, the story makes no sense...too many holes. But anyway, at first she was fine cause she had expected that as a possibility. Then reality set it, and it has been a struggle ever since. Do you know what it's like to listen to someone you love cry uncontrollably on the phone from hundreds of miles away, and you know you can't get to them? It is a very helpless feeling, let me tell you. But God!!!!
Prayers are answered, let me say. She had a good day yesterday for the most part, then today just spiraled out of control quickly. But God, as usual, just in the nick of time, answered her prayer to take the pain away! She is off that project down there and will be going home from Dallas for good tomorrow!
He answered another of hers too, though it was a more painful answer. Ever since she had been dealing with Davie, she said she had no peace. She was always on eggshells, worried that a text message might make him mad or if she emailed too much or called, whether he would start fussing. She just wanted her peace back. Well, with him out of the picture...that prayer was answered too! Brighter days are ahead! Bigger and better things lie in store. You can't get to something, if you don't go through nothing!!!
December 29, 2007
Saturday, The "Lazy" Day
So, I decided to stay in today and rest...well sort of. My energy isn't up to full strength yet, but I still have laundry to do and a house to clean. Unlike others, this does not mark the start of a 4 day weekend for me. I work all day on New Year's Eve and half a day on January 1st.
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.
Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?
Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?
In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!
My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.
Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?
Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?
In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!
My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!
November 11, 2007
The Rest of the Weekend
Saturday night turned out to be a fiasco. My bff and I weren't on the best of terms. The way things turned out, I didn't get to go to dinner. By the time I got babysitting all situated and was on my way from home, they were done eating and the chocolate souffle was to be ready in 17min. It was going to take me 40 minutes to get there. So, here I was frustrated and highly disappointed, and all dressed up with nowehere to go.
I called the Kween to vent, she told me to call Dante and see when the game was over and if he had plans afterwards. East Saint Louis Senior High was playing for the shot to go to state championships...and they won!!! Go us!!! Kween said if I didn't get a hold of him or if he already had something else planned, she was gonna put on some clothes and we were gonna go somewhere! Which was very sweet cause I was near tears and so disappointed by all that had happened, and because she is not the 'going out' type but willing to do it for me.
So I met him in the parking lot and then followed him to the Ahmes Temple (lot of older folks' hangout), where he was to meet with his old classmates and some of his family. Well we got in there and got a table, his cousin ordered us drinks. (I only had cranberry juice due to my very first -and prayerfully very last- UTI) I noticed his talking was rather slurred which concerned me, cause I didn't want him out there drunk driving. So we were talking and he laid his head on my shoulder and it started getting heavier. And heavier. And heavier. His cousin woke him up once and he talked for a few minutes, but his eyes were very heavy. The next time we got close and he laid his head against mine, he was out like a light!!! So I woke him up and told him to come outside with me, thinking the fresh air would wake him up. It didn't. We got into his truck and he started it since it was chilly out. He got comfortable and within a few seconds was out again.
That's what I wanted, which is why we went out there. I didn't want him sleep in the place. So, here I am thinking I would listen to some music and let him nap for about an hour. Then we could go back in and enjoy ourselves.
Yeah....um....not. How about 2 and a half hours later, I FINALLY got him to wake up!! The combination of alcohol and a lack of sleep from the night before was too much for him, and he literally passed out. There was nothing I could do to wake him. His phone was clipped to his pants and vibrating, and that did nothing. I was shaking him and talking to him...nothing. At one point he went to stretch and began gunning the engine, since his foot was on the gas. I had to literally lift his left off the pedal! (I told him about that later and he was very freaked out)
I know, I know. You're thinking I'm a nut for staying out there with him while he was sleeping, and you probably would have left. You know that thought crossed my mind but, being the fiercely loyal and very protective Scorpio that I am, I just couldn't do it. What if something happened? I would never have forgiven myself. EVER. I just had to watch over him and make sure he was okay, he needed me.
When he finally woke completely up, realized how much time had passed, and realized that I stayed with him the whole time, he was amazed! If he didn't thank me 50 times, he didn't thank me once. He was truly shocked, and grateful, and appreciative for what I had done. It was no big deal. So, we went to Ruby Tuesday's to eat (I hadn't eaten since JITB earlier). Can you believe, I was one of those couples that sat on the same side of the booth?? And yes we smooched most of the time too! I loved it!
So, I went to Sam's and got Champagne's cake. My bff and I talked and kind of made amends for the day before. We learned some things about what the other person was thinking. I told her I felt slighted alot of the times because she is always doing something with the couple when she's here. And then strangely she felt like I was more focused on texting and talking to Dante, which was infringing on our time together. I say strangley because honestly, he and I didn't text but a couple of times throughout the entire day (it was less than 15 messages received and sent, I counted), and we talked once when he came up to the movie theatre. But hey we both acknowledged that we were being a little bratty I guess. I also did my weekly trip to Aldi to get groceries to make dinner for the week. I can easily feed all of us for a week with a few staple products and about $25. Once again everyone, a round of applause for the amazing feats of Solo-Mommy!!!!
Dante ended up coming over when everone was there so he got to meet the whole crew. I apologized later, just in case he was freaked out by that at all, but he said he it was fine. I am sad that he is leaving in the morning. So now I have to get my feelings back in check, cause I was really starting to dig him. Back to reality! He gave the birthday girl 5 $1 bills, which was so sweet. She was happy cause she got her birthday card from Grammy. I will try to have a Wordless Wednesday and post all the pics but, no guarantees k?
So, all in all, it was an up and down weekend. I went through the gamut of emotions and had some very interesting experiences. I have to say everything turned out as it should have so, no regrets I suppose.
I still say 34 is off to a great start!!!
I called the Kween to vent, she told me to call Dante and see when the game was over and if he had plans afterwards. East Saint Louis Senior High was playing for the shot to go to state championships...and they won!!! Go us!!! Kween said if I didn't get a hold of him or if he already had something else planned, she was gonna put on some clothes and we were gonna go somewhere! Which was very sweet cause I was near tears and so disappointed by all that had happened, and because she is not the 'going out' type but willing to do it for me.
So I met him in the parking lot and then followed him to the Ahmes Temple (lot of older folks' hangout), where he was to meet with his old classmates and some of his family. Well we got in there and got a table, his cousin ordered us drinks. (I only had cranberry juice due to my very first -and prayerfully very last- UTI) I noticed his talking was rather slurred which concerned me, cause I didn't want him out there drunk driving. So we were talking and he laid his head on my shoulder and it started getting heavier. And heavier. And heavier. His cousin woke him up once and he talked for a few minutes, but his eyes were very heavy. The next time we got close and he laid his head against mine, he was out like a light!!! So I woke him up and told him to come outside with me, thinking the fresh air would wake him up. It didn't. We got into his truck and he started it since it was chilly out. He got comfortable and within a few seconds was out again.
That's what I wanted, which is why we went out there. I didn't want him sleep in the place. So, here I am thinking I would listen to some music and let him nap for about an hour. Then we could go back in and enjoy ourselves.
Yeah....um....not. How about 2 and a half hours later, I FINALLY got him to wake up!! The combination of alcohol and a lack of sleep from the night before was too much for him, and he literally passed out. There was nothing I could do to wake him. His phone was clipped to his pants and vibrating, and that did nothing. I was shaking him and talking to him...nothing. At one point he went to stretch and began gunning the engine, since his foot was on the gas. I had to literally lift his left off the pedal! (I told him about that later and he was very freaked out)
I know, I know. You're thinking I'm a nut for staying out there with him while he was sleeping, and you probably would have left. You know that thought crossed my mind but, being the fiercely loyal and very protective Scorpio that I am, I just couldn't do it. What if something happened? I would never have forgiven myself. EVER. I just had to watch over him and make sure he was okay, he needed me.
When he finally woke completely up, realized how much time had passed, and realized that I stayed with him the whole time, he was amazed! If he didn't thank me 50 times, he didn't thank me once. He was truly shocked, and grateful, and appreciative for what I had done. It was no big deal. So, we went to Ruby Tuesday's to eat (I hadn't eaten since JITB earlier). Can you believe, I was one of those couples that sat on the same side of the booth?? And yes we smooched most of the time too! I loved it!
So, I went to Sam's and got Champagne's cake. My bff and I talked and kind of made amends for the day before. We learned some things about what the other person was thinking. I told her I felt slighted alot of the times because she is always doing something with the couple when she's here. And then strangely she felt like I was more focused on texting and talking to Dante, which was infringing on our time together. I say strangley because honestly, he and I didn't text but a couple of times throughout the entire day (it was less than 15 messages received and sent, I counted), and we talked once when he came up to the movie theatre. But hey we both acknowledged that we were being a little bratty I guess. I also did my weekly trip to Aldi to get groceries to make dinner for the week. I can easily feed all of us for a week with a few staple products and about $25. Once again everyone, a round of applause for the amazing feats of Solo-Mommy!!!!
Dante ended up coming over when everone was there so he got to meet the whole crew. I apologized later, just in case he was freaked out by that at all, but he said he it was fine. I am sad that he is leaving in the morning. So now I have to get my feelings back in check, cause I was really starting to dig him. Back to reality! He gave the birthday girl 5 $1 bills, which was so sweet. She was happy cause she got her birthday card from Grammy. I will try to have a Wordless Wednesday and post all the pics but, no guarantees k?
So, all in all, it was an up and down weekend. I went through the gamut of emotions and had some very interesting experiences. I have to say everything turned out as it should have so, no regrets I suppose.
I still say 34 is off to a great start!!!
November 10, 2007
Just need to vent
Mood: Frustrated!!!
So as you know, my bff came into town this weekend for my birthday. I was just saying how it was so nice that we got to spend the whole day together yesterday. We hung out from when I picked her up from the airport that morning to about 930 that night. Usually when she comes to St. Louis to visit, she spends the entire time with the couple (her very good friends) that she stays with while here. I may get a few hours on the day she gets here or I may get a little bit of time and take her to the airport as she is leaving. Which I am a little envious sure. I'm the bff and they get the majority of the time when she is here. But I have never said anything, because at least they went to visit her in Chicago. It's been since DJ was a baby that I did that. Granted, they also had either no kids or one little baby at the time as well.
But anyway, silly me to have thought this may be like my weekend or something. As usual, something happens with one of them that changes everything. Well now we find out...the DAY OF DINNER....that he has to be at work at 6p. The place is a little ways out so with reservations at 430p (sharp), I would need to leave at about 330p. That frustrated me because then I've got to start scrambling to get things together. Dante won't be able to make it anymore cause he is at a game til 5P in ESL. I told him no worries. I haven't been able to reach the Kween so the girls can babysit. I just sprung the kids on Leigh last night for my birthday, so I don't want to do that again. Unfortunately I vented to my bff and now she is upset, whereas I am starting to feel better.
I am just being a brat, so don't mind me! Damnit!! It's MY best friend and it's MY birthday dinner!! They weren't even going to be invited until we found out it was his birthday too (same as mine)!!!
(solo-mommy breathes deeply) Relax, Relate, Release!!!
So as you know, my bff came into town this weekend for my birthday. I was just saying how it was so nice that we got to spend the whole day together yesterday. We hung out from when I picked her up from the airport that morning to about 930 that night. Usually when she comes to St. Louis to visit, she spends the entire time with the couple (her very good friends) that she stays with while here. I may get a few hours on the day she gets here or I may get a little bit of time and take her to the airport as she is leaving. Which I am a little envious sure. I'm the bff and they get the majority of the time when she is here. But I have never said anything, because at least they went to visit her in Chicago. It's been since DJ was a baby that I did that. Granted, they also had either no kids or one little baby at the time as well.
But anyway, silly me to have thought this may be like my weekend or something. As usual, something happens with one of them that changes everything. Well now we find out...the DAY OF DINNER....that he has to be at work at 6p. The place is a little ways out so with reservations at 430p (sharp), I would need to leave at about 330p. That frustrated me because then I've got to start scrambling to get things together. Dante won't be able to make it anymore cause he is at a game til 5P in ESL. I told him no worries. I haven't been able to reach the Kween so the girls can babysit. I just sprung the kids on Leigh last night for my birthday, so I don't want to do that again. Unfortunately I vented to my bff and now she is upset, whereas I am starting to feel better.
I am just being a brat, so don't mind me! Damnit!! It's MY best friend and it's MY birthday dinner!! They weren't even going to be invited until we found out it was his birthday too (same as mine)!!!
(solo-mommy breathes deeply) Relax, Relate, Release!!!
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