Okay, so after all the dramatic talk on Saturday, guess who didn't go to church Sunday?
I'll give you another minute...
Wow! You guessed it! Yeah, I didn't go. BUT, I did catch up on a Joyce Meyer audio series about Prayer (which is an area I really need help in).
It does too count!!
I am finishing the other parts tonight as a matter of fact. Then, I go and read all the scripture references she mentioned. I usually read the entire chapter as opposed to just the verse mentioned.
So, my goal was to lounge all day Sunday, but the New Guy had another plan. He called about 1p wanting to take me and the kids to eat and hand out. What was really cute was that he was so "annoyed" that for the second weekend in a row, he didn't see all of "his kids". DJ was with his dad (yeah, I was impressed) and Starr was with my sister Leigh. So, once again, it was just us and the WonderTwins. We had a grand day!
We drove up the Midwest's version of a coast. In other words, we drove up past Alton to Grafton, which are two Illinois towns that run right alongside the Mississippi River. We ate at a fish joint, and it was very good. Yeah, I said a fish joint. Like a taco stand in Cali or a rice house in the St. Louis metro area. It's not a traditional restaurant. It's not a hole-in-the-wall. It's more along the dive line of thinking. You know, not the nicest location but the food is good. There is an enclosed kitchen, and then a covered dining area with wooden picnic benches.
We took the ferry across the river to Missouri, then drove around looking at houses and just chatting. I left home at about 2p and didn't return until about 9p. So much for lounging all day!
But it was worth it.
Hopefully next weekend, we're gonna get the kids together and go to the zoo. I'm starting to relax a little. Still got my guard up, he could change his mind anytime. It would sting a little, but I'd understand. Honestly though, I think everything's gonna be alright.
Just gotta keep working on me...
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April 30, 2007
April 28, 2007
Renewing of the Mind
I've noticed the last couple of days just how off-balance my life is. I've also noticed it's noone's fault but my own. I have been using my job as a crutch and an excuse for far too long.
I really miss being involved in church activities. I can't necessarily I miss it at my church, but I miss it. I miss choir rehearsal. I miss taking the kids to choir rehearsal. I miss going to bible study.
Moreso, I miss the option of being able to do those things. But, when choir rehearsal starts at 6p, and I get off at 6p. Then, I have to go to my sisters' houses and pick up my children, then drive 20min to the church, choir rehearsal is over. But I know this is temporary, though it has been almost a year. I am trying to hang on though.
I feel so disconnected from God. I know that that really doesn't have anything to do with the extra church activities. That has to do with actually going to church 2 times in the last several months, mainly due to my van. That has to do with not studying, or even reading the Word on my own time. That has to do with doing things that are in complete contradiction to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do (or not do).
Do you know what it's like to feel disconnected from God? Let me tell you, it is not a pleasant feeling. It's like feeling abandoned.....times 700!
So that is my goal, to reconnect with the Father, and to re-align myself with His plan for my life. Everytime I try to run it, I screw it up and end up feeling this way.
Lesson learned.
I really miss being involved in church activities. I can't necessarily I miss it at my church, but I miss it. I miss choir rehearsal. I miss taking the kids to choir rehearsal. I miss going to bible study.
Moreso, I miss the option of being able to do those things. But, when choir rehearsal starts at 6p, and I get off at 6p. Then, I have to go to my sisters' houses and pick up my children, then drive 20min to the church, choir rehearsal is over. But I know this is temporary, though it has been almost a year. I am trying to hang on though.
I feel so disconnected from God. I know that that really doesn't have anything to do with the extra church activities. That has to do with actually going to church 2 times in the last several months, mainly due to my van. That has to do with not studying, or even reading the Word on my own time. That has to do with doing things that are in complete contradiction to what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do (or not do).
Do you know what it's like to feel disconnected from God? Let me tell you, it is not a pleasant feeling. It's like feeling abandoned.....times 700!
So that is my goal, to reconnect with the Father, and to re-align myself with His plan for my life. Everytime I try to run it, I screw it up and end up feeling this way.
Lesson learned.
April 27, 2007
Why I keep the same friends...
Making new friends is a very difficult thing to do. Which is why I don’t usually do it. There is always something that is never right or never good enough. When mistakes are made, it seems to be the end of the world. Or the end of the friendship.
That pretty much explains why I keep the same old friends. I know them, they know me. We disagree, we agree to disagree, and we forgive and move on. New friends are not like that, perhaps because not enough has been weathered yet to really cement those bonds of friendship. New friends do not choose to see you for the person you truly are, in all your flaws, and still accept you. The newness hasn’t worn off yet and so everything is supposed to be perfect.
Perhaps with certain new friends, things don’t always have to be so difficult. Take the Kween for example. She is a new friend, and there are plenty of things we don’t agree on. But I already know that that’s the way she is and she’s not going to be anyone different. She knows the same about me. Yet, we still maintain that we are friends. Perhaps the key to new friends is to keep them in a certain place until they can move to that next deepest level. That way, if things don’t work out, you are not so emotionally involved.
That’s good advice. The loss of my newest friend the Commander has shown me that that is the case. Once again, for anybody that may be confused, I acknowledge my part of fault in that situation. But I also know I am a forgiving person, sometimes to a fault, and have to remember everyone isn’t like me. Truly, I thought he’d be mad and even hurt for a minute, but then we would continue on. Apparently I was overly positive, yet another fault. The other lesson I learned in all of this was, everyone has a place in your life and you should keep everyone in their correct place.
April 25, 2007
The Good and the Bad
So, what I thought was the buddings of a great friendship between the Commander and me has now ended. I've tried to communicate with several times now, but get nothing in return. I send him an im, and he won't reply. Send an email, and...nothing. Nothing I can do about that. I can't change anyone's opinion. If that's how he feels, then that's how he feels. I actually thought we would be friends for the long haul, but perhaps it was just a season. I understand he's upset at what happened, and I am truly sorry, but what else can I do?
Yeah, I am kind of bummed about it. He was really cool people. We actually had things in common that I was really happy about. Entrepreneurship and full-time single parenthood were the two big ones. But apparently, that is no more.
Sigh
So, shall we move on then?
Things have been going great with the van. I can't wait to get some extra cash to get an oil change and tune-up. That will make me feel better. I am still in a huge financial bind, which will be partially alleviated when I sell this van -prayerfully- this week. I put an add on Craigslist and got responses back immediately. Hopefully one will pan out.
Fingers crossed.
You wanna know what's the deal with the New Guy? Well, me too to be honest with you. One day I think things are great (that would have been Sunday this time). After I dropped my best friend off at the airport, I stopped by his place since he's 10 minutes away. We took the WonderTwins to a park and let them play while we laughed and flirted and talked. He then followed me home, and we had a pretty good evening. Things were really great as a matter of fact.
Then, almost instantly, I'm back wondering again (Monday night). I know he really likes me, but I am starting to wonder if he is turning my condition into more than it really is as an excuse to back away...again. Subconsciously even, he may not truly know he's doing it. After our Sunday evening, I was actually starting to relax and let myself "go" a little more. Things had been so tense, I felt like I could allow myself the possibility of thinking about falling again. But, by Monday night, I was pushed back into LimboLand.
I don't like it here.
It's creepy.
I wanna go home.
Sigh.
Now I really understand the Anti-Relationship stance of my ex-compadre (since that's what he wants to be). It is EASY. I'm getting to the point that this relationship stuff just takes too much of my energy! I could be devoting that brain power to launching StarrDom! If I'm stressing and worrying and he decides to bail, what do I have to show for it? Another lesson learned? What--ever! I'd rather have a successful company to show instead!
(Yes, I am ranting. Yes, I am frustrated. Problem?)
There is a part of me (a really BIG part) that holds on to the hope of 'happily ever after' for the New Guy and me. We truly do have a real shot at it. But, when two days go by and I don't hear so much as an email or text message, that is NOT A GOOD SIGN.
Sigh...if this doesn't work, I'm done.
Yeah, I am kind of bummed about it. He was really cool people. We actually had things in common that I was really happy about. Entrepreneurship and full-time single parenthood were the two big ones. But apparently, that is no more.
Sigh
So, shall we move on then?
Things have been going great with the van. I can't wait to get some extra cash to get an oil change and tune-up. That will make me feel better. I am still in a huge financial bind, which will be partially alleviated when I sell this van -prayerfully- this week. I put an add on Craigslist and got responses back immediately. Hopefully one will pan out.
Fingers crossed.
You wanna know what's the deal with the New Guy? Well, me too to be honest with you. One day I think things are great (that would have been Sunday this time). After I dropped my best friend off at the airport, I stopped by his place since he's 10 minutes away. We took the WonderTwins to a park and let them play while we laughed and flirted and talked. He then followed me home, and we had a pretty good evening. Things were really great as a matter of fact.
Then, almost instantly, I'm back wondering again (Monday night). I know he really likes me, but I am starting to wonder if he is turning my condition into more than it really is as an excuse to back away...again. Subconsciously even, he may not truly know he's doing it. After our Sunday evening, I was actually starting to relax and let myself "go" a little more. Things had been so tense, I felt like I could allow myself the possibility of thinking about falling again. But, by Monday night, I was pushed back into LimboLand.
I don't like it here.
It's creepy.
I wanna go home.
Sigh.
Now I really understand the Anti-Relationship stance of my ex-compadre (since that's what he wants to be). It is EASY. I'm getting to the point that this relationship stuff just takes too much of my energy! I could be devoting that brain power to launching StarrDom! If I'm stressing and worrying and he decides to bail, what do I have to show for it? Another lesson learned? What--ever! I'd rather have a successful company to show instead!
(Yes, I am ranting. Yes, I am frustrated. Problem?)
There is a part of me (a really BIG part) that holds on to the hope of 'happily ever after' for the New Guy and me. We truly do have a real shot at it. But, when two days go by and I don't hear so much as an email or text message, that is NOT A GOOD SIGN.
Sigh...if this doesn't work, I'm done.
April 23, 2007
The Long Sunday
Well, the good news is I'm still cute! Ha! I still wore my hair down. I'm gonna try to make it a daily habit.
I got up and got the WonderTwins ready for church. After we left church, We went to Grandmother's for a couple of hours. We left there about 3p to head up to my younger sister, Kim's house. She was hosting Leigh's oldest daughter's birthday gathering.
Background sidenote: My mother had three girls. My two older sisters have the same father, and I have a different father. (No matter what the pc term is, we ARE NOT half-sisters) Their father had four other children, three girls and a boy. I consider them my siblings just my sisters because, for the most part, I was raised with them more than the siblings on my dad's side!
Okay, so anyway. I got to stay there for about an hour when my best friend Marie called to tell me she was near us at Target. I didn't get to see her Saturday as originally planned, but I told her I would take her to the airport on Sunday. I picked her up and we went back to Kim's house for about 2 hours and stuffed ourselves with barbecue, then headed to the airport. By now, it's 6p.
Got to the airport by a little after 7p. Then headed over to see The New Guy. He lives about 10 minutes from the airport. We went to a park so the WonderTwins could play. They had a blast. He and I were even flirting and making little innuendos! That was kind of a sign that -maybe- he was coming around to being okay with my condition. It felt really good to talk to him and touch him that way again. We went back to his house for water and potty breaks. Then he got into his truck and we headed to my side of the water. I had to pick up DJ and Space Cadet at Leigh's house, so he was waiting in front of my house when I got there. He stayed until about 3a. It was a really great evening, and a great day overall. I got to spend it with family and friends, what could be better?
I got up and got the WonderTwins ready for church. After we left church, We went to Grandmother's for a couple of hours. We left there about 3p to head up to my younger sister, Kim's house. She was hosting Leigh's oldest daughter's birthday gathering.
Background sidenote: My mother had three girls. My two older sisters have the same father, and I have a different father. (No matter what the pc term is, we ARE NOT half-sisters) Their father had four other children, three girls and a boy. I consider them my siblings just my sisters because, for the most part, I was raised with them more than the siblings on my dad's side!
Okay, so anyway. I got to stay there for about an hour when my best friend Marie called to tell me she was near us at Target. I didn't get to see her Saturday as originally planned, but I told her I would take her to the airport on Sunday. I picked her up and we went back to Kim's house for about 2 hours and stuffed ourselves with barbecue, then headed to the airport. By now, it's 6p.
Got to the airport by a little after 7p. Then headed over to see The New Guy. He lives about 10 minutes from the airport. We went to a park so the WonderTwins could play. They had a blast. He and I were even flirting and making little innuendos! That was kind of a sign that -maybe- he was coming around to being okay with my condition. It felt really good to talk to him and touch him that way again. We went back to his house for water and potty breaks. Then he got into his truck and we headed to my side of the water. I had to pick up DJ and Space Cadet at Leigh's house, so he was waiting in front of my house when I got there. He stayed until about 3a. It was a really great evening, and a great day overall. I got to spend it with family and friends, what could be better?
April 21, 2007
Saturday's News
It's been a pretty good day today. Didn't do too much. Got up this morning and went to the grocery store. Got a few things to last me the week. Went to go get a cash advance loan, but God intervened, and said 'No'. So I didn't do that.
I put a for sale sign on my van the other day. I listed it as $2200 obo, but I think I will drop that to $1500 obo. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
These are desperate times.
My best friend is in town, and we were supposed to meet today. Everyone's schedules got so bungled up that it will just be easier to meet tomorrow, and then I'll take her to the airport. I can do that now, with my new van!!!
I got up this morning, and decided I had had enough of wearing my hair pulled back everyday. It wasn't giving me the desired effect I wanted anyway, which was increased length retention and less breakage. It actually broke off a little more. So, I relaxed my hair, then deep conditioned it. I blow dried it with some Garnier Fructis Length & Strength and Kemi Oyl. Then I parted it deep on the side, and flat ironed it straight with a slight bend at the end. My hair has body for days!!! Just the way I like it! I am not one of those typical women who is worried about messing up her hair (especially among my fellow sistas), I love for my hair to move when I move.
My hair is swinging like a 40s Big Band concert!
I put my makeup on just perfect. Not too heavy, mainly looking natural, except for the eyeliner and bronze lip gloss. From the neck up, I felt fierce! I pray this will give me the motivation to get right from the neck down. I wanna go on a fruit fast this week. I would greatly reduce my sodium intake, and I expect to drop a few pounds as well.
I did get to chat with the New Guy a bit today. It seems his schedule is opening up a bit, finally. No, not so much as for me, but he has been so busy this week. I have been a little concerned, mainly die to the lack of sleep and the extremely hectic pace. He's having computer issues so we may chat tomorrow.
I talked to the Major as usual, we really do talk almost everyday. He had to fly to Florida to attend to his rental property there, someone busted a window out. He'll be back in Virginia bright and early tomorrow morning. Everything is going pretty good for him, not perfect, there are always some challenges. But, for the most part, things are good.
I chatted with the Commander by email yesterday at work. I took that as a good sign that he was feeling a little better. But then today, I can't get him. I see him available and I say hi and he totally igs me! I think he just needs some time to adjust to everything he's dealing with, then he will be okay. Perhaps he'll talk to me again in the near future. I hope so, he's a really great guy.
So, today was okay and tomorrow is Sunday. Life is good.
I put a for sale sign on my van the other day. I listed it as $2200 obo, but I think I will drop that to $1500 obo. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
These are desperate times.
My best friend is in town, and we were supposed to meet today. Everyone's schedules got so bungled up that it will just be easier to meet tomorrow, and then I'll take her to the airport. I can do that now, with my new van!!!
I got up this morning, and decided I had had enough of wearing my hair pulled back everyday. It wasn't giving me the desired effect I wanted anyway, which was increased length retention and less breakage. It actually broke off a little more. So, I relaxed my hair, then deep conditioned it. I blow dried it with some Garnier Fructis Length & Strength and Kemi Oyl. Then I parted it deep on the side, and flat ironed it straight with a slight bend at the end. My hair has body for days!!! Just the way I like it! I am not one of those typical women who is worried about messing up her hair (especially among my fellow sistas), I love for my hair to move when I move.
My hair is swinging like a 40s Big Band concert!
I put my makeup on just perfect. Not too heavy, mainly looking natural, except for the eyeliner and bronze lip gloss. From the neck up, I felt fierce! I pray this will give me the motivation to get right from the neck down. I wanna go on a fruit fast this week. I would greatly reduce my sodium intake, and I expect to drop a few pounds as well.
I did get to chat with the New Guy a bit today. It seems his schedule is opening up a bit, finally. No, not so much as for me, but he has been so busy this week. I have been a little concerned, mainly die to the lack of sleep and the extremely hectic pace. He's having computer issues so we may chat tomorrow.
I talked to the Major as usual, we really do talk almost everyday. He had to fly to Florida to attend to his rental property there, someone busted a window out. He'll be back in Virginia bright and early tomorrow morning. Everything is going pretty good for him, not perfect, there are always some challenges. But, for the most part, things are good.
I chatted with the Commander by email yesterday at work. I took that as a good sign that he was feeling a little better. But then today, I can't get him. I see him available and I say hi and he totally igs me! I think he just needs some time to adjust to everything he's dealing with, then he will be okay. Perhaps he'll talk to me again in the near future. I hope so, he's a really great guy.
So, today was okay and tomorrow is Sunday. Life is good.
April 19, 2007
The Truth
The truth is a very hard thing to deal with. It can make you happy, it can make you sad. It can hurt others.
I am not happy.
I am sad.
I have hurt others.
I AM SORRY.
I hope and pray I can be forgiven.
If not, I have to deal with it. It’s my burden to bear.
An omitted truth is still a lie.
April 17, 2007
A Prayer for those at Virginia Tech
Father God,
Please comfort those affected by this tragedy. Lord, put your healing arms around every parent, wife, child, sister and brother of those that were taken from this earth. Be their Comforter Heavenly Father, as only You can. Help those that are left to deal with the aftermath of this horrendous event to find Your love and peace, as they heal only with time from the unthinkable pain they suffer. Lord, I pray the souls that were taken from this earth will find their eternal home with You in heaven. May those that don't know You, seek You in this difficult time as they search for purpose and meaning to our existence. May they find Your love and mercy and grace are sufficient to meet all their needs, exceedingly and abundantly. Lord, help to heal this great nation as we all endure this tragedy together, directly or indirectly. For we know that our sisters and brothers in Christ were taken violently, but our trust is in You Father God and You alone. You are all we ever need to get through the bad things, the good things, and just our everyday lives.
In Jesus Holy Name......AMEN.
Please comfort those affected by this tragedy. Lord, put your healing arms around every parent, wife, child, sister and brother of those that were taken from this earth. Be their Comforter Heavenly Father, as only You can. Help those that are left to deal with the aftermath of this horrendous event to find Your love and peace, as they heal only with time from the unthinkable pain they suffer. Lord, I pray the souls that were taken from this earth will find their eternal home with You in heaven. May those that don't know You, seek You in this difficult time as they search for purpose and meaning to our existence. May they find Your love and mercy and grace are sufficient to meet all their needs, exceedingly and abundantly. Lord, help to heal this great nation as we all endure this tragedy together, directly or indirectly. For we know that our sisters and brothers in Christ were taken violently, but our trust is in You Father God and You alone. You are all we ever need to get through the bad things, the good things, and just our everyday lives.
In Jesus Holy Name......AMEN.
April 16, 2007
Drumroll Please!!!
So, I had a HUGE Saturday! But, since you're probably not as excited about my life as I am, I'll give you the Cliff Note Version.
The New Guy came to pick up me and the kids up, to take me to look at vehicles. He showed me where he lived and where his church was. The kids were watching a movie while I was on the lot car shopping. He went and picked up his children, and all of us went to the movies to see "Are We Done Yet?" He dropped his oldest off (his stepson) and then we went to the second car lot to finish up.
Finish up what? Oh I didn't tell you that part? I got my van on Saturday! 2000 Pontiac Montana. White. Seats 8. Automatic sliding passenger door!!! Exactly what I wanted!
So anyway, the kids got along great with each other! They are great kids, lots of personality! I took that as a good sign meeting the kids, but I still have my guard up, just in case. We still haven't talked about it, he's been so busy. So I know it could still go either way. I just don't want to be too vested and then get kicked back.
Yes, it's that big. No, I can't talk about it.
I may not have a decision for a few weeks. I'm okay with that.
I do look forward to a big outing with us and the kids at the zoo. On the flip side, I miss spending quiet time in the evenings with him too. Time will tell...
The New Guy came to pick up me and the kids up, to take me to look at vehicles. He showed me where he lived and where his church was. The kids were watching a movie while I was on the lot car shopping. He went and picked up his children, and all of us went to the movies to see "Are We Done Yet?" He dropped his oldest off (his stepson) and then we went to the second car lot to finish up.
Finish up what? Oh I didn't tell you that part? I got my van on Saturday! 2000 Pontiac Montana. White. Seats 8. Automatic sliding passenger door!!! Exactly what I wanted!
So anyway, the kids got along great with each other! They are great kids, lots of personality! I took that as a good sign meeting the kids, but I still have my guard up, just in case. We still haven't talked about it, he's been so busy. So I know it could still go either way. I just don't want to be too vested and then get kicked back.
Yes, it's that big. No, I can't talk about it.
I may not have a decision for a few weeks. I'm okay with that.
I do look forward to a big outing with us and the kids at the zoo. On the flip side, I miss spending quiet time in the evenings with him too. Time will tell...
April 13, 2007
I Know You're Wondering
What's up with the New Guy? Well, this week has been great. I will admit, I was a little concerned for a minute there, but I can start to breathe again.
We haven't really had a serious discussion about the issue that's casting doubt for him. At least in a few days we haven't. I try not to pressure him, because this could possibly have lifelong consequences. So, we have been talking or chatting each night. We haven't seen each other in a minute, which is okay. We still keep in touch enough that we know we're on each other's minds. That's important for me since I have traditionally been high maintainence in relationships (ie, I like a lotta time). Of course, with the way my life is, I require less time because I have less time to give! Nothing is official yet. He could still pull a trick out on me, but I have faith it will all be okay.
The Major is in town this weekend, working on his renovation project. I just adore my friend, he truly keeps me grounded. It's great being able to share business stuff with him. I like to hear about his day when it comes to the work site and general contractor and all the different sub-contractors, and he enjoys telling me about it. He is very encouraging when it comes to my business goals, and just life changes in general. Who could ask for more in a friend than that? Whoever thought that from match.com, I would have found such a friend!? (now that's a twist!)
Haven't seen the Commander since we hung out, but we usually will email throughout the day and occasionally chat on yahoo in the evenings. He's been busy trying to really crank things out for his businesses, which is awesome and I totally support that effort. Hey, noone could ever accuse me of having the 'crabs-in-a-barrel' mentality! I want to see others look and feel good, and get exactly what they desire out life. And if there's anything I can do to help, I will gladly help.
So, through this dating process over the past few months, I've gotten a couple of very dear friends in the Commander and Major. I have also possibly found and acquired my true match in the New Guy! Not bad for a few months!!!
We haven't really had a serious discussion about the issue that's casting doubt for him. At least in a few days we haven't. I try not to pressure him, because this could possibly have lifelong consequences. So, we have been talking or chatting each night. We haven't seen each other in a minute, which is okay. We still keep in touch enough that we know we're on each other's minds. That's important for me since I have traditionally been high maintainence in relationships (ie, I like a lotta time). Of course, with the way my life is, I require less time because I have less time to give! Nothing is official yet. He could still pull a trick out on me, but I have faith it will all be okay.
The Major is in town this weekend, working on his renovation project. I just adore my friend, he truly keeps me grounded. It's great being able to share business stuff with him. I like to hear about his day when it comes to the work site and general contractor and all the different sub-contractors, and he enjoys telling me about it. He is very encouraging when it comes to my business goals, and just life changes in general. Who could ask for more in a friend than that? Whoever thought that from match.com, I would have found such a friend!? (now that's a twist!)
Haven't seen the Commander since we hung out, but we usually will email throughout the day and occasionally chat on yahoo in the evenings. He's been busy trying to really crank things out for his businesses, which is awesome and I totally support that effort. Hey, noone could ever accuse me of having the 'crabs-in-a-barrel' mentality! I want to see others look and feel good, and get exactly what they desire out life. And if there's anything I can do to help, I will gladly help.
So, through this dating process over the past few months, I've gotten a couple of very dear friends in the Commander and Major. I have also possibly found and acquired my true match in the New Guy! Not bad for a few months!!!
Happy Friday the 13th
So this week has been pretty uneventful. Been severely financially challenged for the past two weeks. But, guess who got her sink fixed???
Yes, the miracle of Easter came upon me! I can run the water in my kitchen sink for as long as I want, without fear of a basin overflowing under the sink!!
Of course my landlord didn’t fix it!!! Is this your first day reading my blog???
My church member – who fixed things before – just came by with the parts and fixed it. He said he couldn’t stand the thought of me and the children living in those type of conditions anymore. Remember, it’s been since late November! The slumlord/landlord doesn’t even know it was done! He also doesn’t know when he’s going to get his rent either, but that’s cause I was being ornery since he won’t fix anything!
I actually went to church on Easter. We made it just in time for the sermon –happens a lot! Hey, I got my praise and worship on the way down there with the CD I burned that morning! I downloaded songs from limewire and made my own praise and worship CD of my favorite songs. Got to go to grandmother’s house afterward and my oldest sister was there as well. It was a good day.
Made it through the week with very little but just enough! My account was in the red (hey, it happens sometimes – but the bills were paid) so I was very limited in what I could do. The gas tank was pretty low too. But I made it. Let me tell you how I made it:
On Thursday morning after I dropped off the kids, I was trying to decide what to do about my gas tank. I knew the checking was in the red, but savings had about 16 bucks in it. Well, first blessing issue was that my readout showed 0 miles til empty, but I drove at least about 2.5-4 more miles! Then when I got to the gas station, I was hoping I could just use my check card to fill-up my gas tank. No luck. Went to the ATM on the outlot of that gas station, but it was a $20 minimum withdrawal. You know I tried anyway! Nope, it didn’t work.
So, I started praying to God for a different blessing, that I could find a $10 minimum ATM before I ran out of gas! Just up the street was my own bank with an ATM. Get this, when I started the car, my readout said 26 miles til empty!!!!! I made it to the bank, where the ATM allowed me to get 10bucks from my savings account. Then, I made it about a mile down the road the other way to get gas!!!
God is good; God is great; Let us thank Him!!! This story from a woman whose favorite scripture is Matthew 6:25-37!
I am thinking seriously about this car situation. I went to one place, JD Byrider, and talked to the salesman and finance person already. But the vehicle I thought I liked doesn’t have the automatic passenger sliding door. Shallow? Maybe. But if I’m paying for it, I want it to be what I want it to be! So, under the advice of the New Guy, I will check a couple of other places, like Car Credit City and Lou Fusz. I submitted my online app to CCC, and will call the finance manager at Lou Fusz on my lunch break today. I’ll keep you posted.
April 7, 2007
HE LIVES!!!
Just some of the lyrics of one of my favorite songs by Fred Hammond (He Lives):
Everybody lift your hands if you know that Jesus is worthy
Open up and give Him praise, let's do it in a hurry
If you love Him, let's glorify in the song and in the dance
You know the Savior lives come on and lift up your hands
To understand just why we praise let me tell you how it all went down
The news spread so very fast, people came from miles around
This would be the day Christ would be crucified
He took His last breath, He hung His head and He died
They took my Savior down from off that rugged cross
They laid Him in a tomb, it seemed all hope was truly lost
But the third day came along and brought the rhythm of life
The stone was rolled away, an angel proudly proclaimed
He lives!
He lives!
Christ is risen just like He said
The Lord and Savior's no longer dead
Rejoice and celebrate, He lives, He lives, Jesus, He's alive!
Everybody lift your hands if you know that Jesus is worthy
Open up and give Him praise, let's do it in a hurry
If you love Him, let's glorify in the song and in the dance
You know the Savior lives come on and lift up your hands
To understand just why we praise let me tell you how it all went down
The news spread so very fast, people came from miles around
This would be the day Christ would be crucified
He took His last breath, He hung His head and He died
They took my Savior down from off that rugged cross
They laid Him in a tomb, it seemed all hope was truly lost
But the third day came along and brought the rhythm of life
The stone was rolled away, an angel proudly proclaimed
He lives!
He lives!
Christ is risen just like He said
The Lord and Savior's no longer dead
Rejoice and celebrate, He lives, He lives, Jesus, He's alive!
April 6, 2007
In Defense of Myself
Okay, so I’ve been ragged on about this topic more than once now, so I am compelled to write about it.
I get the fact that there are a lot of trifling women out there, and there are a lot of men who genuinely want to be involved in their children’s lives. Conversely, there are a lot of good women out there, and there are a lot of trifling men who want to hit and run regardless of the consequences.
On some occasions, the good men and good women get together and life is beautiful. Other times, trifling men and trifling women get together, and usually there are restraining orders and DCFS cases involved!
But in my opinion, the majority of the time, one good person ends up with one not-so-good person, thus the problems ensue. Usually this means the children more than anyone else will suffer.
My first husband is who my oldest child is by. We had a rocky divorce, unfortunately. Hey, what do you expect when your husband walks out on you pregnant for another woman? But, for the sake of the child, we put that behind us, and had an amicable relationship. Before we could get to that point though, I moved from
One thing I am not is money-hungry. I truly resent ever being categorized as such or placed in the grouping of others who are. While a child support check does help with things like diapers, formula, daycare, clothing, shoes, water, electricity, etc etc, it still doesn’t account for nor exchange the dire necessity of the consistent interaction of the father. I know that from the way I grew up. My mother never denied me access to my father, or him access to me. Heck, he literally lived around the corner from me! But I would still see him every so often, when it was convenient for him. Now, I’m sure there’s some bitter man out there who’s been done wrong by the woman or the courts that can blame that on my mom somehow, but come on!
EVERYTHING IS NOT – I REPEAT- NOT THE WOMAN’S FAULT!!!!!!
(whew! Okay I’m better now)
Back to me and my situation, though. Let’s fast forward to my youngest two children’s father. He dropped off the face of their earth for two years. TWO YEARS!! Mind you, we are talking about children who were less than a year and not quite 2 years old when he dropped off radar. But, because he is their father, I’m supposed to just send my kids off to visit with him the minute he shows back up?? Umm, no…and…not that sorry about it either! I did tell him that he was welcome to come visit them anytime he wanted, could bring his new wife to meet them, and even invited him to the Bruzer’s birthday party. Think he showed up? Called? Mailed a card? Nope.
What about that is my fault? And no, he does not pay child support. I would personally prefer NOT to have the government all up in my business like that. But, even with Can’t Get Right, I couldn’t count on him almost ever to drop a little money every now and then, let alone spend time with her. So I unfortunately made the decision to pursue child support. The girl was already 5 years old. She’s 8 now, and still needs him more than ever. But, as well as he and I get along, I can’t get him to understand that his children should always be more important than his job. I try to explain that they need him most when they’re younger, because when they’re older and you’re ready to spend time with them, they have moved on.
I want nothing more than for my children to have it better than I did, when it comes to money and romantic as well as parental relationships. So far, it’s not looking so good. But then, I’m sure somehow that’s my fault too! I guess I’m supposed to be the one chasing up after the men all the time to come get their children, right? I’m supposed to be tracking them down to make sure they’re there to make a pickup every other weekend, right? It’s my job to remind them of the responsibility to this child, right?
WRONG! I can not change any other human being’s (especially a grown-azz man’s) behavior. I cannot make them do anything they obviously don’t want to do. For the sake of my children, I have tried, I have called to remind them that their kids want nothing more than to spend time with them and to know them and to feel loved by them. But if they are too self-absorbed to take me up on it, there’s nothing I can do but try to make up for their absence.
Now, tell me I’m wrong for that!
April 5, 2007
A Prayer To All
God Has Amazing Things in Store for You
Stars do not struggle to shine, rivers do not struggle to flow, and you
will never struggle to excel in life, because you deserve the best.
Hold on to your dream and it shall be well with you... Amen.
The eyes beholding this message shall not behold evil, the hand that
will show this message to others shall not labor in vain, the mouth saying Amen
to this prayer shall laugh forever, remain in God's love.
Your dream will not die, your plans will not fail, your destiny will
not be aborted, and the desire of your heart will be granted in Jesus'
name.
Say a big Amen and if you believe it, tell it to all your friends.
Money will know your name and address before the end of this month. None
goes to the river early in the morning and brings dirty water. As you are up this morning,
may your life be clean, calm and clear like the early morning water. May
the grace of the Almighty support, sustain and supply all your needs
according to His riches in glory. Amen. Love the Lord. Have a wonderful
day in Jesus' name.
The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not
protect you. I see something good happening to you, something that you
have been waiting to experience.
April 4, 2007
Too Good to be True
Well well well. I am afraid my prince may be turning into a frog. I know that was really dramatic. Are you surprised? Do you know me at all??
I am hoping he would have talked to me today about what's going on. I'm sure he hasn't thought about it enough to have anything to say yet. It would be great if he could get past the initial shock and see that it's not as bad as he is imagining. But to each his own. I would honestly rather know now than later, when I am really emotionally invested.
You know what?
I'm going to bed. It's barely past 1030 pm, and I'm going to bed.
Yes, I am sick!
I am hoping he would have talked to me today about what's going on. I'm sure he hasn't thought about it enough to have anything to say yet. It would be great if he could get past the initial shock and see that it's not as bad as he is imagining. But to each his own. I would honestly rather know now than later, when I am really emotionally invested.
You know what?
I'm going to bed. It's barely past 1030 pm, and I'm going to bed.
Yes, I am sick!
Guess Who's Sick Again?
My van is apparently not the only thing that's "broke down"! I woke up fine yesterday morning, got everyone ready as usual. Stopped at McDonald's to get some breakfast, complete with orange juice. Got to work in plenty of time to sit and enjoy my breakfast before I had to log into the phones. I took one gulf of the orange juice, and I could feel it instantly! The onset of a cold. Is that not weird?
It was downhil from there. I took some of my special medicine for people with hypertension. I was emailing with the Commander yesterday as usual, and he recommended I take some Nyquil and drink some herbal tea when I got home. I replied by asking if he was trying to kill me!?
FYI: Regular Decongestants and high blood pressure are NOT good bedfellows! About a month after I was diagnosed, I caught a cold. So I took my regular Sudafed to clear up my head. Whoa, Nelly! My heart was pounding and beating a mile a minute! I was dizzy sitting down, and when I tried to stand up I thought I was going fall out! Ms. Nonchalant here actually called the doctor, that's how freaked out I was! The nurse asked if I had taken any meds, and I told her about the pseudophedrine. Her reply was sommething like, "Oh no no honey, you can't take those kinds of things anymore."
I haven't taken any type of cold medicine since!
Then one day while watching TV (who's surprised?), I saw a very informative commercial for Coricidin HBP. I told Officer Jan about, since she has HBP too, and worse than mine. Then, low and behold, about 2 months ago I was waiting on a prescription inside Walgreen's and I saw it! The Walgreen's generic equivalent to Coricidin HBP! Oh yes people, this is nirvana. There are some things I will pay extra for, but medications are not one of them! Read the label sometimes, it has the same dosage amounts as the name brand - and more expensive- ones!
The New Guy is sick too. I think it hit us both at the same time. What's weird is that there hasn't been a lot of lip-locking lately, though we have been very close to each other. Hopefully our closeness will continue after our conversation last night. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
I just hope to feel better very soon. The temperature has nose-dived outside, so I'm also willing to bet there may be some other people in my house sick by the weekend too! Don't be jealous!
It was downhil from there. I took some of my special medicine for people with hypertension. I was emailing with the Commander yesterday as usual, and he recommended I take some Nyquil and drink some herbal tea when I got home. I replied by asking if he was trying to kill me!?
FYI: Regular Decongestants and high blood pressure are NOT good bedfellows! About a month after I was diagnosed, I caught a cold. So I took my regular Sudafed to clear up my head. Whoa, Nelly! My heart was pounding and beating a mile a minute! I was dizzy sitting down, and when I tried to stand up I thought I was going fall out! Ms. Nonchalant here actually called the doctor, that's how freaked out I was! The nurse asked if I had taken any meds, and I told her about the pseudophedrine. Her reply was sommething like, "Oh no no honey, you can't take those kinds of things anymore."
I haven't taken any type of cold medicine since!
Then one day while watching TV (who's surprised?), I saw a very informative commercial for Coricidin HBP. I told Officer Jan about, since she has HBP too, and worse than mine. Then, low and behold, about 2 months ago I was waiting on a prescription inside Walgreen's and I saw it! The Walgreen's generic equivalent to Coricidin HBP! Oh yes people, this is nirvana. There are some things I will pay extra for, but medications are not one of them! Read the label sometimes, it has the same dosage amounts as the name brand - and more expensive- ones!
The New Guy is sick too. I think it hit us both at the same time. What's weird is that there hasn't been a lot of lip-locking lately, though we have been very close to each other. Hopefully our closeness will continue after our conversation last night. That's all I'm gonna say about that.
I just hope to feel better very soon. The temperature has nose-dived outside, so I'm also willing to bet there may be some other people in my house sick by the weekend too! Don't be jealous!
April 1, 2007
Family Time on the Weekend
Last night was my sister' Leigh's birthday party/teacher celebration party.
Teacher celebration party? Yes. My sister's dream was to be a teacher, eventually opening up her own school. She went to school and got her Bachelor's while working full time for the state. Not very much support from her husband during this time either. Ok well, not-very-much as in downright sabotage to be honest! Then it was time, as all teachers-to-be are required, to do her unpaid internship. So she left her full-time job in administration for the Illinois Department of Corrections to do her semester (or two) internship at a school in St. Louis. That went fine, but then it was time to take her teacher certification test. You cannot become a teacher in Illinois or Missouri without taking and passing that state's test. My poor sister just couldn't pass it for some reason. She took the test over 7 times in a matter of a few years. Mind you, it is not that cheap, like $150 per try, but she never gave up. When she was ridiculed by her husband, and the doubt and fear started to creep in her own mind, she never gave up. She took a couple of menial jobs over time, making far less than what she was used to, just to have some income coming into the house. She even watched my kids and our other sister's (Officer Jan) kids for me one summer while the state program I belong to paid her (and I paid a little extra).
Then finally her faith and perserverance paid off! She passed the test!!! Then found out how she could get some kind of something to qualify her in both states! She went to East St. Louis School District 189 and interviewed, but the one didn't go so well. Then - God is awesome- she saw one of our very genuine and completely on fire for God church members who inquired why she was there. She told him, and he told her don't even worry about it, he'd make sure she got the job. He put in a good word, and that was that! So, she's been in the classroom this entire school year as like a co-teacher, but not a teacher's aide. Next year, I believe she is already set to have her own classroom! Yay for her!!! We are so proud of her for never giving up on her dream, when faced with so much opposition!
Our friend/sister Ann and her two kids came. She is doing much better. She is back at work now, and the she told me that her oldest daughter is doing very well in school. That everything that happened didn't really affect her grades. I was pleased to hear that. My mom was there. Ann's oldest sister and a friend of theirs came also. Ann's older sister Jules had already burst the 4-0 bubble in January, then Leigh was next. We had cake and cupcakes from Sam's (great buttercream icing!), Officer Jan barbecued various kinds of meats, I made sides and bought the ice cream. We had a great spread! Later, our younger sister (by their dad, not mine, but we were raised as siblings anyway) and her boyfriend and 3 girls came. So it was a great family affair!
Apparently, I had complained (or so I was told) about the New Guy being too busy for me all of a sudden. Look, I warned him I was high-maintenance when it comes to relationships! Well, he had a minister's training session about an hour and a half away, which he got of at 330p instead of 4p. He called me on the highway and asked if it was okay if he came to my sister's house. He did, I directed him to Officer Jan's house on Main Street in Belleville. He got to meet everyone. I was very happy to have him there, he fits right in. He did miss the "bat-signal" to retreat in the kitchen with the other two men! They told him to keep an eye out next time! I told you there is pretty much all women in my family.
So, things are moving along I suppose. I still feel some apprehension, just because of what happened before. It'll take me some time to get past that, I know, and I've told him so as well. But, I think we have a shot. I can at least say that.
Teacher celebration party? Yes. My sister's dream was to be a teacher, eventually opening up her own school. She went to school and got her Bachelor's while working full time for the state. Not very much support from her husband during this time either. Ok well, not-very-much as in downright sabotage to be honest! Then it was time, as all teachers-to-be are required, to do her unpaid internship. So she left her full-time job in administration for the Illinois Department of Corrections to do her semester (or two) internship at a school in St. Louis. That went fine, but then it was time to take her teacher certification test. You cannot become a teacher in Illinois or Missouri without taking and passing that state's test. My poor sister just couldn't pass it for some reason. She took the test over 7 times in a matter of a few years. Mind you, it is not that cheap, like $150 per try, but she never gave up. When she was ridiculed by her husband, and the doubt and fear started to creep in her own mind, she never gave up. She took a couple of menial jobs over time, making far less than what she was used to, just to have some income coming into the house. She even watched my kids and our other sister's (Officer Jan) kids for me one summer while the state program I belong to paid her (and I paid a little extra).
Then finally her faith and perserverance paid off! She passed the test!!! Then found out how she could get some kind of something to qualify her in both states! She went to East St. Louis School District 189 and interviewed, but the one didn't go so well. Then - God is awesome- she saw one of our very genuine and completely on fire for God church members who inquired why she was there. She told him, and he told her don't even worry about it, he'd make sure she got the job. He put in a good word, and that was that! So, she's been in the classroom this entire school year as like a co-teacher, but not a teacher's aide. Next year, I believe she is already set to have her own classroom! Yay for her!!! We are so proud of her for never giving up on her dream, when faced with so much opposition!
Our friend/sister Ann and her two kids came. She is doing much better. She is back at work now, and the she told me that her oldest daughter is doing very well in school. That everything that happened didn't really affect her grades. I was pleased to hear that. My mom was there. Ann's oldest sister and a friend of theirs came also. Ann's older sister Jules had already burst the 4-0 bubble in January, then Leigh was next. We had cake and cupcakes from Sam's (great buttercream icing!), Officer Jan barbecued various kinds of meats, I made sides and bought the ice cream. We had a great spread! Later, our younger sister (by their dad, not mine, but we were raised as siblings anyway) and her boyfriend and 3 girls came. So it was a great family affair!
Apparently, I had complained (or so I was told) about the New Guy being too busy for me all of a sudden. Look, I warned him I was high-maintenance when it comes to relationships! Well, he had a minister's training session about an hour and a half away, which he got of at 330p instead of 4p. He called me on the highway and asked if it was okay if he came to my sister's house. He did, I directed him to Officer Jan's house on Main Street in Belleville. He got to meet everyone. I was very happy to have him there, he fits right in. He did miss the "bat-signal" to retreat in the kitchen with the other two men! They told him to keep an eye out next time! I told you there is pretty much all women in my family.
So, things are moving along I suppose. I still feel some apprehension, just because of what happened before. It'll take me some time to get past that, I know, and I've told him so as well. But, I think we have a shot. I can at least say that.
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