Tired and Tired

So I caved today and allowed my children to go trick-or-treating with my brother-in-law and neices. They even dressed in costumes.

Why is that caving? Because we as a family do not celebrate Halloween. I don't agree with what it stands for or what its origins were. My oldest two understand that, and even more so as they've gotten older. They still participate in their Halloween parties at school. I'm not that bad! But as far as spending money on costumes, never been my thing. But I guess it's not about me, is it?

Yes, for those of you that have wondered, I dressed up as a kid for Halloween. I enjoyed myself. Well, actually it mainly the candy I enjoyed. They get that too. DJ was a soldier dressed in fatigues. Starr was an angel, complete with halo. Bruzer was Winnie the Pooh. Champagne preferred to stay at my other sister's house with Cheyanne, her cousin of the same age.

I could have told my sister when she asked if they could go trick-or-treating 'No'. Knowing how I feel about it, she would have understood. DJ and Starr would have "understood" too. But how could any mother who cares an inkling about her children have done that? I know it may seem like a small thing to some, but I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror. Due to my scheduled work hours, I have already had to take my kids out of the only things they had going for them outside of school and family - scouts. They haven't even sang in the choir at church for a few months, because I'm getting off work when practice starts. So, as a solomommy would do, I beat myself up frequently for the things they don't get to do.

Because, you know, the world really is on my shoulders.

But, what matters most is that they had a good time. I've got enough candy to last until Valentine's Day, but they had a good time! My work here is done! (sigh in faux exasperation)

So, it's not about me, is it?

I'm Thankful

I thought I would just repost this blog I wrote a few days ago on my MySpace page:

As I sit here at my computer -which is where I destress from the day- I am thankful. Thankful it's Friday, yes. But more importantly, I am thankful I have a "Friday" to be thankful for. Those out there who have a sincere love for God, as I do, understand my previous statement. For those of you who haven't yet "got there", let me break it down for you.
At work, our internet usage is censored from certain sites. Oh, not just porn and crap like that, but non-work email accounts, myspace, blogs, entertainment sites, and stuff like that too. So to keep up with the world, I watch cnn.com, where I get a bit of everything. I see so much bad and good there. I like it better than watching the daily news, because I CHOOSE what I want to see. Not like the nightly news where you see 10 minutes of murder, corruption, destruction, stealing, robbing, carjacking, etc etc. Then, after the weather and sports and more weather, you get one good news story at the very end.

Occasionally, I read a particularly sad story. Like a whole family shot on a Florida highway - with the mother holding her children in her arms. Like an 18 year old and her 2, 1, and 2-week old children dying in a fire. Or, very close to home, another young pregnant mother killed brutally and her 3 children murdered as well. Those are the stories that make me realize how BLESSED I am. I have four, healthy, beautiful, smart (see my blog for that definition) and very cute children. I was recently blessed from a 2BR (older) townhouse to a 1650 sq ft 3BR home. I was also recently blessed with a great paying job to cover costs, plus a work-at-home gig to help finance my self-employed (near) future. I have a mother who would literally lay down her life for me. I have two sisters who are more than a mere mortal could ask for. Friends that are like family. A great friendship with my pastor. But most importantly, I have Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer, and the Love of God in my soul.

Who couldn't be thankful for that!!!

The different degrees of SMART

Where I come from, there are two kinds of "smart". There's common sense - otherwise known as "street smarts". The other is book sense, aka "book smarts". There have been many a heated debate about which is more important for a child to have. My opinion is that it should be a perfect combination of the two. A lot of times what you see however, is one or the other.

Which leads me to my oldest two, DJ and Starr, boy and girl respectively. Both of them are straight A students. DJ is in the 4th grade and loves school. School loves him back by giving him teachers yearly that adore him! Great little system the two have worked out. Starr, though only 17 months younger than DJ but with a late birthday is in 2nd grade now. I saw her first quarter grading report while conferencing with her teacher and had to explain the look on my face. "I'm sorry," I said "I'm just not used to seeing B's!" They have both been selected to be in their school's Challenge class program, Starr being the only one chosen in her class. DJ has a gift for writing, while DJ is more artistically inclined. Yes, I'm bragging and yes, I'm spoiled because they are just so smart!! Probably between the two of them is a cure for cancer, at the very least. Then after that, they could solve world hunger and achieve world peace later.

What? It could happen!

The drawback to all this brainpower? A serious deficiency in common sense. Yes, I can admit it, it's pretty bad. The title "space cadet" has found a home on my daughter...as it did her mother so many years ago. Starr, I am convinced, has ADD (attention deficit disorder). Nope, not taking her to the doctor just for that. Those that her know her best call it "StarrWorld" when she spaces out the way she does. DJ, well, he has testosterone as his shortcoming. He can "manlook" like the best of them! What's "manlook"-ing? Ask your husband or boyfriend to find something that you put nearly right in front of them...except you put something on top of it! Example: the jewelry box on your dresser, but you tossed a scarf on it! He'll come back and say "I can't find it!" That is "manlook"-ing. I am working with the two of them to hopefully even out the balance a bit. Perhaps they can pick up on the common sense things a little earlier than I did. Yeah, she got the SpaceCadet trait from me!

Now the Wondertwins? Totally street smarts, and they're only 3 and 2! I don't know what school is going to be like, as I do have a few years for that. Thank goodness because when Bruzer gets into school, I'll need to be self-employed for the flexibility required to be in the principal's office so much! As far as grades, I am definitely hoping they inherited Mommy's smarts. Their father was most definitely gifted with an overabundance of street smarts, which of course caused a serious deficit on the book smart (and relationship!) end. It became commonplace for me to have to define a word I had just said to him. He couldn't even get it from the context of the sentence! So between his abundant supply of street smarts and my more-than-ample book smarts, those two crazy kids may just have a shot!

So then while DJ and Starr are taking care of cancer, world hunger, and peace on earth, Champagne and Bruzer will have built successful corporations from the ground up and be their older siblings' major research contributors. Everybody knows that entrepreneurs need both street and book smarts to be successful at what they do. Or at least they do now. Meanwhile, Mommy will be living out her years fairly well to do (thanks to the kids of course) somewhere in one of the warmer southern states, and travelling rather extensively whenever I get the itch to get away.

What?!

It could happen, you know!

My Theme Song

I prettied up my site a bit. I'm pretty pleased with it. After I am done, loading these new pics onto my desktop, who knows? I may actually load a picture! Look out now!

Regarding the song? Oh yeah, you have to excuse me, I'm AADD. At least, according to my self-diagnosis from the commercial I am! You know the one where the lady is in the meeting and she totally can't concentrate because her mind looks like she's flicking channels on the TV? That is surely me! I am okay with my "illness", I have learned to live with it. Well no, I haven't told my doctor --and actually don't plan to either. I 've been known as a "space cadet" to my family most of my life, why would I go and ruin that for them now!! Then again, having four kids on top of that didn't help the old attention span one bit now did it?!

ANYWAY, back to subject. When I first heard this song and listened to the words, I thought of myself and my love life over the years in some ways. So I decided to share this part of me with you:




Let me know what you think.

On a less dramatic note, this one had me ROTFLMAO!! Enjoy!

Solo Mommy's Sick Day

I had to leave work early yesterday. It started out an okay day. I thought I was on the right track with the weight issue by drinking a SlimFast shake in the morning. Well, by the time I got to work at 930a, I wasn’t feeling the best. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything the night before. By 1030a, I was actually running to the bathroom! Of course when I got there into the stall, the sensation was gone. But smart girl I am, I waited!! It only took 2 minutes for the torrent to begin.
I am not a total germophobe, but I am also NOT kneeling over a public bathroom toilet either! So after the deed was done, my back was hurting immensely to due the wrenching of dry-heaves at a bending-over-at-the-waist position. Yeah, not-so-good. But I felt better afterwards…for a little while.

Within a half hour, things were not so great. My body began aching from the neck down. Like hurting to the touch aching. I was freezing, f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g cold. Finally I departed work at about 135P. A trooper, I know, so brave!

I got home and gingerly changed into some sweats and a shirt, then wrapped up in my comforter and passed out. I could have very easily slept all day…if I was a guy. But hey, the title of this blog explains it doesn’t it? Solo mommy!? Instead, I regained consciousness between 4p-415 and dragged myself back into my clothes to pickup the kids. I wanted to make sure my oldest sister hadn’t come across town to pick up my oldest two –as is her daily routine- since I was right there. I also picked up my youngest at daycare, got my neice from her friend’s house where she goes after school and then headed to “the middle child’s” (my other sister) house for her birthday. I didn’t want to miss it and I didn’t want the kids to miss it.

I stayed on the couch the whole time –maybe 2 hours- and was able to follow along with most of the conversation in the adjacent dining room. The Bruzer came over and was trying to talk to me with hot dog in his mouth and Holy Moses! How do you shoo away a little kid who’s just trying to be nice to his mommy while trying not to blow chunks at the same time?! You hold your breath, smile, and say ‘Go back to the table and finish eating sweetie’ while silently thanking the Lord for your lung capacity! I did manage to drink a kid-size mandarin orange juice, bringing my daily food intake to water, 2 snack cups of applesauce and that juice. Surely I lost a pound or two, right?

I made it home, thank goodness they had already eaten hot dogs so I didn’t have to deal with dinner. The oldest two can handle their own showers and well, the youngest two were dirty for an extra day! I cancelled my shift for the WAH gig, and slithered back into bed by 930p.

The next morning, there was no more hurt-to-the-touch body aches, but I did have a headache from an abnormal amount of sleep. I’m used to 5-6 hours max, anything over 7 or 8 and I’m almost useless. I was still pretty groggy so –bad mommy- I didn’t get the kids to school until almost 9 –bad mommy- this morning!

Hey, even supermoms have an “off” day!

What ever happened to Customer Service?

By trade, I am a travel agent. Not the "come on in to the storefront location and I'll book you a cruise" kind of travel agent most of us think of. I am a corporate travel agent, who usually handles all clients in more of a call center environment. In addition to that experience, I have many years of customer service telephone experience. I gave a Cliff's Notes resume of my experience to say that I take customer service VERY SERIOUSLY. I totally get that my performance as a frontline to whatever company I am working for will DIRECTLY affect my pay! That's the way I think of it, and so that is one of the reasons I excel in my CS skills.

When is CS a bad thing? When it is in the hands of utility companies. Of course I am including the cable and telephone companies in that lineup. I have never encountered a bigger group of self-absorbed and insensitive people with headsets stuck to their faces in my life!! It's like they know that we're stuck with them, so they can treat us however. We'll keep complaining and paying our bill, 'cause there's really no alternative. AND THEY KNOW IT!! Plus, on top of that, they don't treat their employees very well so why would they sound happy on the phone? They HATE their job because they know their employer treats them like a commodity instead of a person. There are far too many companies out there that are more busy focusing on the "bottom line" (ie profits) rather than their most valuable resource -- their people.

Because of those facts, I spent a total of 4-and-a-half hours on the phone with the cable company last week. The score? Them 1, me 0. I will admit, I am kind of a slacker so it was my fault I hadn't paid attention to the bill since I moved 3 months ago. What? What? Much to surprise when I sat down online to pay it and saw over $600! How does a $99 bundle deal for all three services (phone, digital cable, internet) translate into $600 in 3 months time? I got a million-jillion "I'm sorry ma'am"s but still no real definitive answer. So after 5 phone calls, about 25-30 transfers and a 1hour conversation with a "supervisor", I thought the issue was resolved. We got everything squared away, I made a payment on the phone, we were good. So I thought! Thursday evening I couldn't figure out why my phone was so quiet, which is unusual. It was dead! I was to start work in an hour! Needless to say, that didn't happen --or on Friday or Saturday night either. They reconnected the main line, but noone bothered with the second line.

Get this: I called to complain about it Friday and request something be done immediately to restore my second line as I had missed enough work as it was. This "heffa" decided she was done talking to me, so she ever so politely HUNG UP ON ME!!! I couldn't call back because I was completely livid! I called this morning on my way to work and was told that the order was placed and the phone would be on today. It was on before I left work at 6P.

So, thanks to their complete lack of care for the customer, I lost 10 hours out of a 20hour workweek. Yeah cuz you know me being a single mom and all, I just have money rolling in everywhere. Riiiiiiight! You move on and you move past. I just finished my first shift for this week. I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity, and not even Charter is gonna stand in the way of that!!!

The Weekend Review

This weekend I decided -somewhere along the way- that we would stay in all weekend. So we did. I got a few things done. Laundry is not an accomplishment for me. Not because I love doing it or anything like that. Laundry in my world is like bathing. It has to be done, or things will get nasty really quickly! Seriously, I can't go more than two days without at least one load getting washed and dried. Wait until the weekend? Totally not possible in my house! The dirty clothes in my house are like Gremlins, except they multiply by just being piled together -- no water necessary!!!

I cut my youngest son's hair on Sunday afternoon. While his hair is not bad, it's not the best either, and will tend to curl up into little "beads" if left uncut for over a week. I also washed, conditioned and blow-dried my oldest daughter's hair. Once I put my hands in her head that pretty much washes out ANY chance of me doing my own. I still have to comb hers into a style in the morning, and then I'll flat iron it straight tomorrow evening. I know, it seems weird to some flat-ironing an (almost) 8-year-olds hair. I do that as opposed to the immense heat of the pressing comb, since she has this funny kind of hair that will start to frizz back up in a few days anyway. It's SO thick! That's what makes me not want to bother with my own after that "ordeal". Thus leading back to me taking time for me, as discussed in a previous thread.

I think I will go wash my hair tonight in the shower. Then I'll clip my ends and slick it into a ponytail with lots of conditioner, and put my new phony pony on that I bought on Friday. That look should get me through until Tuesday when I can relax it. It's a slow process, but investing more time in myself if well worth it in the long run. For me AND for my kids.

Weekend movie review: The Notebook. Totally summed up in these words: OH MY GOD!!!!! It reminded me of me and The One. Or at least how we'd be in 'movieland'. In real life I sent him a text message to be this evening or else. He responds saying he'll be here about 730p, but as of 11p still hasn't shown up yet. So, cold shoulder for him this week. He needs to get back into "pursuit mode". He knows he has my heart, so that tends to make him a little complacent. Take note ladies: You don't chase them, THEY CHASE YOU. Any other way, and you are in for heartache. So, it'll be different this time, for both of our benefits. I'll keep you posted...

It's time for me to have Time for ME!

Today's topic is familiar to all mothers out there, though I have a special kinship with other solo mommies like myself. I look terrible, and I've been looking terrible for a few weeks now. I will pull my hair back into a ponytail or ball or a claw-type hair clip, and maybe I'll actually comb it through every few days. Wow, when I write it, it really sounds bad! I actually hit my low on Friday when I wore sweats to work!! I felt like such a failure! Now, it's a very casual work environment so for some that is not out of the ordinary attire. But for me, I may as well have been wearing houseshoes! My only saving grace is that I do keep my face looking halfway decent everyday. It helps being naturally cute so really all I need is eyeliner, light foundation and something on my lips. It is truly a blessing, and I am grateful for it. (okay that was slightly vain. Old habits die hard?!)

One of my girlfriends used to go every week without fail to get her hair done. Every week. Without fail. Nope, it's not what you think. She is a single mom too. We were both sans employment at the time. However, in her case she made the decision that $20 a week was worth it. I didn't necessarily have that option. No full-time job and four children means NOTHING FOR MOMMY. But now that I have the money, the motivation isn't there. After working all day and all evening, then half the night too I barely scrape out five minutes for a shower. As for her now that she's working? She also goes to school at night, so she has been to her beautician one time in several months.

This 'no time for me' thing explains my weight gain as well. Yes, my TotalGym XL is still set up in my room. No, I haven't start using it again yet. Okay, okay! I'm gonna start tomorrow! For real! Pinkie promise?

I want to be better though. I want to feel better, look better and be better. I don't feel as pretty or sexy or attractive as I usually do because of the excess weight. So that has affected everything else. So, October 22 starts a new lunar cycle, which is supposed to be a good time to start anything or make changes to yourself. Sound crazy, does it? Go to any ER or OB doctor or police officer and ask them are full moon days different from any others! Then it won't sound so 'psychic hotline' anymore!

I start my spiritual fast tomorrow, which I am excited about. I will relax my hair and clip my ends tomorrow. I will also begin my daily exercise tomorrow. Yeah, the TotalGym and I are about to become intimately acquainted again! I can't wait to post my before and after pictures on November 9 (my birthday)! I still have to figure out the hair thing though. Do-it-myself, microbraids, or beautician weekly? I'll keep you posted!

Today was another fat day, by the way.

My Dream Car

Today was a fat day. Okay now that that's out in the open, we can move on to the topic at hand.


My name is Kima-Shai, and I drive a minivan. (Hi, Kima-Shai!) I didn't start out this way, it just kind of happened. My first car was a 1984 Red Ford Escort. Four-door, nothing fancy, but she was spoiled rotten! I got an oil change and a tune up EVERY three months! After a few years she began to cost more to fix than was monetarily logical, so I traded up. I got a 1991 royal blue Ford Escort Pony. Two-door coupe, I put a pop-up sunroof in it, and tinted the windows . OMG, you couldn't tell me nu-thing! I knew I was ALL THAT! Did I mention they were both stick shifts? Heck yeah! I'm still having stick withdrawal, and it's been since 2002!

So by 1999, my car was on her last tread of her last wheel, so I had to trade up again. I bought my first new car. A hunter green exterior/tan interior, classy and, yes it was a stick shift, Hyundai Elantra, year 1999. You know how you have to wait a few weeks for your plates to come in? Well, after a few weeks, mine came in and I put them on. Two days later, on my way to work after dropping the kids off at daycare, I totalled it! I don't mean repair-would-have-cost-as-much-as-a-new-one totalled. I mean spiralled-across-four-lanes-of-freeway-traffic-and-getting-hit-three-times totalled! God, my Hero, saved me that day too. I got another Elantra, this time is was burgundy with gray interior. Of course I tinted the windows!

By this time I have two children and in 2002 was expecting number 3. The Elantra was no longer big enough. I began to look at SUVs. No, I was definitely NOT getting a minivan! Women like me didn't drive minivans. So I got a Ford Explorer. Rugged, man this was great. I felt like I could run over all those puny cars on the road! All I needed was CB radio and "Keep on Truckin" sticker!! I was ready to off-road at a moments notice. I didn't. But I could have!

Fast forward to baby number four on the way. FINE!! I'll get a minivan! Yes there was some pouting at the dealership, but I won't say who! No SUVs with the third row seat were in my price range at that time, so I was really cornered into the minivan option. YOu know who annoys me? People with one child that get a minivan. How big is your kid exactly that all of a sudden you need a seven-passenger vehicle?! If I only had one kid, I'd still be in a nice little 2-door coupe with a limousine tint on the windows! Something like this Pontiac G5 with a 5-speed and a moonroof. I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!

Back to reality. I found a Pontiac Montana. Yes, it IS driving excitment. It was like they were thinking of me when they designed it. "What would Shai want?" Well, apparently they listened. I LOVED it! It totally sold me on the minivan set. Now I drive a Dodge Grand Caravan. She's good people, my van is. Gets us a lot of places with a lot of things. Four children, a double stroller, portable picnic table, grocery shopping and a trip to Wal-Mart? Minivans Rule!!

After this van, probably early next year I'll get another Montana. Then, after about 3 years, I'll be ready for

MY DREAM VEHICLE

.

Yeah baby, in 2008 I'm bringin' it on!!!!

God's Little Girl is Growing Up

I am 32 years old, soon to be 33. I have gone through quite a bit in my life, good and bad. A lot of it was during my "roaring 20s". More of that will be discussed in due time. Most, if not all, of it helped me to be the person I am today. Therefore, as hard as some of it was to go through, I wouldn't change a thing. I think about myself a lot. No -for those of you that know me- not in the narcissistic way you have grown to love. But more of a Purpose-Driven Life kind of way. Here's what I've figured out so far:

1) It's all about God. Not the parties or the clubs, or that guy that is SO FINE you don't care if he's got a woman. It's ALL about God.

2) You get one go around at life, there are no "do-overs". Stop living on the "what ifs" and "if onlys". Stop believing your own crap! You know the line: "When I blah-blah-blah, then I'll be able to/then I can blah-blah-blah." Let me perfectly clear here. There is no past nor future, THERE IS ONLY NOW!

Any questions?

Working at Home Rules!

Yeah, that was probably misleading since I do work outside the home Full Time. I'm telling you the truth, if this opportunity had come up just 2 months earlier. I would be doing it FT no doubt. Last night was great though. I was glad to get back into the swing of things. You know how you can make yourself dread something, then when it happens you're like "this isn't so bad." That's exactly why I hadn't worked in over 2 months!! Slacker Mom, totally!

Anyway, it was soooo quiet. I got like 2 calls. FOR TWO HOURS! 2......1--2....calls! The second call startled me, which surely means I had fallen asleep at my desk. The groovy thing is that you get a guaranteed 45min, even if no calls come in. So, yay me!

I scheduled myself 10P-2A tonight also, then I'll go back to 10P-midnight since I go back to the FT job Wednesday. What? You thought I was working til 2am then getting up and going to do another 8 hours? Uh, negative. Though I am pulling about 20 hours this week. I will work at least 15-20 hours each week, until I get caught up and start living by my budget. When things are behind, it's HARD to follow a budget. So this job helps me play "catchup". Then, when I'm caught up, I can get ahead. Savings account AND higher credit score? Ooh, I'm thinking mortgage!!!

Once I get my desk set up again (from moving 3months ago!), I'll post a picture of it. Right now with the Taco Bell on one side of the computer and the empty ice cream dish on the other...not a pleasant sight! Not quite the business look I was hoping for! :)

Once again: Working at Home Rules!!!!!

Saturday and Sunday = Family Time

Saturday, we got up and out earlier than we have in months. Alyssa and I had eye exams at 915a. I am so happy she'll be getting new glasses and so will I! Her little brother -aka the Bruzer- broke the last 2 pair. I keep mine at work but don't use them because I know I'm overdue for an eye exam. I can't wait til my glasses come in next week! They're a funky little pair with a smaller rectangular frame. I promise I'll post a pic when I get them. I will also go to this cool place called the Eyewear Outlet to get an additional pair for myself and Alyssa. They're only $29.95 pair -lenses and frames.

The rest of the day was spent at my oldest sister's house, which gave us some time to catch up. She was giving my oldest son an IQ test for her class. It was a two day process that was just finished Sunday. We got home aboout 830P. I was supposed to do my WAH gig, but couldn't get logged in so I went to bed.

Sunday was the usual. Church then Grandmother's for dinner. Chicken with dressing, greens, cornbread, and banana pudding! The largest portion of anything I ate by far was the greens. Aren't you proud of me? Okay, well I am! We stayed and watched A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore. Such a cute little romance!

My sister came over and finished the test, then we chatted for a while. They left about 9P. I was scheduled to start work at 1030P. I finally got help for how to log into the system to take calls 10 minutes ago. So...gotta go!! My money calls!!!

My Friday the 13th

I'm always in a good mood on Friday the 13th. Why? Because I grew up to my mom saying this so I started thinking that way too. What? "My luck is usually bad all the time, so Friday the 13th is usually the opposite of what it does for everybody else!" This year was no different.

Friday night after I left work and picked up the kids at my sister's house, we went to a co-worker's church for a workshop on intercessory prayer. The people were very nice and the workshop was very informative. I definitely plan to take that knowledge to help me with my prayer life -which is in need of enhancement.

It was after the workshop that was a little, well 'different'. A part of me wants to say 'creepy', but that's the world talking. There was a lady who had an obvious hunger for the word of God. She gave her testimony (cliff note version of her life) and how comfortable and different she has felt since she began attending the church a few weeks ago. She was very interested in speaking in tongues, which was something the intercessors talked about frequently in their workshop. Speaking in tongues is when one prays in another language that is not their native tongue. They have relinquished their body and mind to the full power of the Holy Spirit within them, so it isn't even a language they understand. The Holy Spirit is God within us, so the prayer will be perfect -as God is- and not marred by the thoughts of the flesh (which are our natural inclination).

Okay so back to the story. The pastor began to talk to her and then laid hands on her. She began to moan and wail, and fell to the floor and began to writhe and wail as if in pain. He began to coach her as would a labor coach for the birthing of a child. She began to praise God continuously with the single word "Hallelujah!" over and over, until it became a stutter. Then slowly she began to recover, and the intercessors helped her to her feet and back to her chair. He then explained to her that what she was going through was sort of a birthing process. Now, what was weird to me (yes, besides that) was while she was "in labor" on the floor, the rest of the people in there were speaking in tongues. There were about 15 people in total. I truly didn't know what to think or do. So I sat very still and just kind of watched, trying not to look terrified that he was going to start with me next! Whew, he didn't!! Honestly I wasn't comfortable, and I needed time to process what I had seen. Firstly, I have never witnessed a person speak in tongues before, so to see a small room full of people do it was overwhelming. Second, the whole "labor and delivery" took me aback....waayy back! What was great was that they were a very welcoming and hospitable group of people. They invited me back, as you are supposed to do when a guest visits your church. But there was no "Come. Join us" (with my best zombie voice) kind of vibe at all. That's what quelled my spirit when my flesh was saying "cult". I am glad I was invited and more than glad that I went. I can't wait to read my notes. That's another thing I enjoyed, as with any spiritual teaching. I don't want to hear someone's opinion, I want you to back up what you say with scripture I can see for myself. Almost every major point from each intercessor was based in scripture. When you are seeking a church home, or the seeking the Word of God from an unknown (to you) source, make sure it's being backed up with chapter and verse from the Bible!

I do plan to go back and visit at least once more. That would be during a regular Sunday worship service. My church is so reserved when it comes to worship, that it would be nice to see some people who can really "Get their Praise On!"

We must Rebuild!

My credit, that is. Yeah, it's waaaaay down there. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It is probably something that we should be talking about anyway, but don't. I hope to start teaching my kids alot about money. Savings, credit, buying vs. renting, credit cards and student loans, the whole bit. All the things I never learned growing up...'til now I mean.

So today I got a micro-mini loan that will get reported to the credit bureau. I didn't get it for the money, so I only got $100. But it's a five month loan, so I'll pay it for three months, then on the fourth month I'll pay it off and open a larger one. It's a little more in interest than a bank would charge, but I have to start at the bottom. I filed bankruptcy a few years back, but I still wasn't in a financial position to be any better off after the bankruptcy. I hope to have gained at least a 100 points by this time next year. I am VERY excited about this big step! I'm now taking charge of my financial future. My independent financial future.

I already have an appointment to get another loan next week for a little larger amount. I know, I know. Rome wasn't built in a day...but it did take more than one person! Yeah, I really do need that much help! Who knows, by the spring I may be able to get a gas card!

I go to work to relax!

I love my job! No, seriously. Since I have to work outside the home (for now, God-willing), I decided I'm gonna like what I do. After a five-year hiatus from it, I am now back in corporate travel. And I love it! I love all the different people and personalities I talk to each day. I love the service that I provide. And quite frankly, I'm really good at it. (Did anyone else just hear a horn?) I am one of those rare people who love to talk on the phone. All day. AND all night. Like, when I take my headset off at the FT job, I get in the car and put on my cellphone headset. I go home and talk on the cordless, then later after the kids are in bed put on headset #3 to do my WAH gig. You will usually find those that can stand to be on the phone 'cause they HAVE TO, seeing as it's their JOB and all. But they are rarely on the phone outside of work. Not the weirdo phone addict! And yes, I have driven back home for my cell phone --- more than once! I don't have a private line at my desk since I work in call center and you know the daycare could call with an emergency or something, so I HAVE TO keep my cell with me!

Did you buy that? I tried!

So back to work. I enjoy the people around me, though we all have our little idiosyncrasies. What I love love love to watch is when the people freak out when they get a difficult person on the phone! I am not sadistic enough to be reveling on their pain (come on, I'm not that bad). It just amuses me the fact that they let a faceless voice send them to the point of tears. Real tears!! Dude!! Tears!! Red eyes and runny noses, the whole bit!! I have had people drop the 'N-word' on me on the phone before without tears! I just mute 'em and laugh a minute at their 'hoosier-like' tendencies, then I let my manger lay into the guy. And my manager wasn't even "naturally tanned" like me! Then, my dear co-workers go and smoke and talk about how stressed out they are, just doing the regular everyday stuff our job requires. No, we are not overloaded. Yes, we are paid pretty well. No, the vast majority of our clients are not mean. It's them. Or actually, I am starting to think it may be me.

Why don't I get all flustered and frustrated over the phone if I get the traveler from Hades?

1) Because I know not to take it personal.
2) I know that there is usually something else going on in their life than the
travel we're discussing.
3) Remember the Empath? That helps greatly in a customer service field.
So I tell them my usual line: "I am a single mother of 4 children under 9 years old, running an entire household by myself. That's where my stress is. I come here to relax." I don't think they get it.

What I am now working on, is having that same attitude to get me through the rest of the day! It is by God's grace, mercy and love I do all that I do without being insane. Slightly off...but not insane!!! I try to thank Him everyday. I hope you will do the same.

5 years and 1month

So, last month it seems all the bloggers did the September 11th tribute. Well, I'm late (story of my life) but I still have something to say.

I sat here just now as I changed my desktop image to this:

and thought how eerily (even to myself) obsessed I am with 9/11. I have more History channel documentaries than should be legally allowed. I mean we're talking 4 hour documentaries, albeit with commercials. (Does that help make me look less insane?) It's not like this is the first major tragedy that I've lived in. I am 32 years old and live in the Midwest. I remember the Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion. I was in 7th grade Social Studies class. I remember the Columbia Space Shuttle Explosion. I was definitely older by then and so I had a lot more compassion for humanity, than that of a 12year old who thinks life goes on forever. Okay, larger scale: I remember the Oklahoma City Bombing. I remember watching the planned implosion of the rest of the building. I was sad then, especially knowing there was a daycare in there, and kids actually died. So what is it about this that's different for me?

I remember being at work at the phone company when our manager came in and said a small plane hit one of the WTC buildings. I thought, "Oh that poor pilot." Then later he came back and said both the WTC towers had fallen. We worked across the street from a federal court building, and I watched those people being evacuated and the street entrances barricaded. Though we were directly across the street, I knew our job wasn't letting us out of their sights. They were and - from talking to employees that are still there, still are - constantly in fear that something could be more important to us than working for 'Ma Bell'! Back to the point, I wouldn't get to see anything until that night at home. I had gotten rid of hubby #2 early that year, so after I put my kids to bed (only two back then) I turned on the news and watch by myself. My God!!

I was able too see all the video footage from earlier, including the buildings going down. But it was still so surreal. Was there anyone else that it took a while to get the sheer magnitude of what happened by looking at the video footage of the plane going into the building? With the building being SO TALL, the plane looked like a toy. Then...it...began...to...sink...in....

Oh...my....God!!! There were people in there!!!! Hundreds of people in there! Husbands! Wives! Regular everyday people whose only crime was that THEY WENT TO WORK!!!!! Out came the Empath! Yeah, I'm sooo emotional! I don't do well at funerals, so I try not to go unless I have to. I can't just go to a "casual funeral" because it takes so much out of me. Why? I focus on those most directly affected by the death and put myself in their shoes. To put a lighthearted spin on it, I am most definitely Deanna Troy. (Star Trek fans will get that one)

Okay, so fast forward a month or so. Time has begun to heal the hurt and the absolute mortality that I have been feeling. Then comes the end of the year review. Images I hadn't seen in 3months flooded that screen, and the emotional torrent began. As I saw the plane crash into the building, I though about the terror of those who looked out the window as their certain demise was speeding straight at them. What do you do? Do you run? Do you scream? God, what do you do? As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about the people on the stairs that were trying to find their way out, how they must have been thinking of their families in those last dark moments. As I saw that building crumbling, I saw Death in its most ravenous form. As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about all those who rushed into the building to help others to safety but will never come out. When I saw the field in Pennsylvania, I thought about the phone calls and the missed calls and the unimaginable yet unfounded guilt loved ones must be feeling. Can you imagine getting that voicemail? What do you do? Do you try to call back? How long do you try to call back? God, what do you do?

I have watched a LOT of television in regards to 9/11. I do not plan to stop. I have learned about the terrorists. I have learned about the fifth plane (just learned that this year). I watched the made-for-TV movie about United 93. Yes, I cried ridiculously. The human aspect of the story sent the Empath into overdrive. I have YET to watch the one that was released in theatres United 93. Since I don't really have a life, I haven't seen WTC either. But I will. I have to.

So how do I describe my obsession? While it is not a daily, weekly, or even a monthly "thing", I just cannot allow myself to forget.