The One

I've known him since I was 15 or 16 years old. He liked me and I liked him, but I had a boyfriend and his cousin (also my cousin) told him so.

Fast forward 8 years to our first time together...and the conception of our daughter during an El Nino blackout at my hotel in San Diego. What else were we supposed to do? One marriage under the belt for both of us. We tried "us" for awhile, but it just wasn't working out.

Fast forward a few more years to the demise of my second marriage, and the failing of his. We tried again, but still not quite working right. Too much other "stuff" in our lives in the way.

Which brings us to present day. Have you ever had someone non-family that, no matter what heartache or heartbreak is going on in your life, you know-that-you-know-that-you-know there is this someone who loves you all the way? That is what he is for me. What's really cool is that I am that for him too. He would always say, "Don't noboby love me like you do besides my momma." (He is a momma's boy -in a good way- which is okay with me) One thing to keep in mind about us, there are no fights or arguments when we part ways, we just know it's time to go. We've both gotten too old for this. So, after about 16years of back and forth, I keep my prayer alive that the "Third times the charm". We're not official at this point, and he knows of my vow of abstinence this time, so we have the potential to be off to better "start" than ever before.

And the saga continues...

The Diet Pill and Me

So I was feeling rather huge about a month ago, while on my lunch break at work. I decided to stop at a nutrition supplement store to check on their popular diet pill combo. I talked to the clerk, who was very knowledgeable and polite. I read the comparison charts and all the ingredients, including which ingredient does what. Then, I made an impulse buy. Yep, I did it! I paid $80(plus tax of course) for 2 bottles of weight loss aids.

The results? Well you did see my previous post right? If not, here's a refresher. So what happened, you ask? Probably like all those other diet pills that are just a scam, right? To be fair to the manufacturers, I can't say that. The one pill was an appetite suppressant, Hoodia Gordonii. I can say with 100% truth that I wasn't hungry. That did not stop me from eating. I found out that I eat through boredom or complacency. I sit at a desk all day at work, so you know what that means. Eating for the sake of chewing and swallowing! Heaven forbid there may be a food day that day! Seriously, like cakes and donuts and breads and...did I mention cake and donuts? Not just any donuts! Krispy Kreme!!! If I don't eat them I'm fine. Before this binge, it had been a few months. I swear! But food day, I had half a dozen over the course of my work day! So, I'm grounded again. Self-punishment is not always a bad thing!

So, if I hadn't eaten JUNK all those times I wasn't really hungry, I'd probably be down at least 10 pounds by now. So I would say that the diet pills could be effective, just not for a nervous or bored eater like me. So this $80 experiment has proven to me that diet and exercise is the ONLY way for me!

South Beach and TotalGym XL Rule (at least---they will when I start!!!)

Unfit and fed up

Heck of a title, I know. It did get your attention though, didn't it?

I got on the scale the other morning and well...Wow! I am officially two pounds lighter than I was when I gave birth 5weeks early to my fourth child!!!!! I am 5feet 8 inches tall. I could wear a size 16 comfortably, though I am currently stuffing myself in all my 14's because I REFUSE to buy a bigger size! My ideal size is a 10, perhaps even an 8. That might be too thin on me though. We'll see.

This is my official notification that by my birthday November 9, I will be 20-25 pounds slimmer!!!

I will exercise 6 days a week. Sunday will be my day off. Due to my family requirements and my work schedule, I can't join a gym right now. However, I do have a TotalGym XL setup in my bedroom this exact moment--that hasn't been used in about 3 weeks!

I will keep a daily log of all foods that I eat. The spreadsheet that I have created will keep me accountable to myself for all calories consumed.

What do I hope to gain from this, you ask? Okay maybe you didn't, but I'll spill anyway. I want my confidence back. I used to be one the most self-confident (okay, vain) people that I knew. I looked in the mirror at work the other day and barely recognized the reflection. I want to stop taking blood pressure pills everyday. I want to prevent becoming diabetic. I want to greatly reduce the chance of following in my mother's footsteps and having a heart attack. I am on a solid path to all the aforementioned ailments as I am right now. I want to be healthy and energetic. I want to set a great example for my children.

Wish me luck!!!

"I don't have a daddy"

My first son, Dominique, was conceived by me and my first husband. I waited until marriage to get pregnant and have children, only to have him leave me three months into a high-risk pregnancy for another woman. My oldest daughter, Alyssa, was conceived by me and the love of my life - who to this day is known by my best friend as "Can't Get Right." The man knows he has my heart forever (and I have his), no matter what I do with anyone else. I still have my fingers crossed for "someday...", but that's another story. My two youngest, herein after referred in plural as the "Wondertwins" (aka Kyla and Chandler), have the same father. No, they are not twins. They are actually 16 months apart, though the baby boy is bigger than his older sister (and has been most of their lives)!

For Dominique, there was a divorce decree and child support and visitation done fromthe very beginning. But, as time has gone by, his dad sees him when its convenient for him. Sometimes this may be every couple weeks. But for the most part as of late, this means every few months. Did I mention we have lived less than 10 minutes apart for the last year, at least? Location excuse: negative. He works for a car manufacturer, so he drives a new car every 2 years or so. Poor transporation excuse: negative. Just plain lousy and incredibly selfish: ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!! But there is contact there.

For Alyssa, she was usually the one all felt sorry for because her dad was so caught up in his own life's mess - that he created - he really couldn't be a father to her at all. He is just now slowly trying to change that. S-L-O-W-L-Y. There is still a long way to go on that one.

For the Wondertwins, their story is more complex. Their father is a lying, cheating, stealing, untrustworthy sort of character. I wouldn't trust him to watch my dog (if I had one), let alone two of my children. Yes, they are biologically his children, but he is not anything else. After a very tumultuous 2+ year relationship, I finally kicked him to the curb. But not before hundreds of dollars in bounced check fees ("borrowing" my debit card from my purse), a $600 calling card bill on my home telephone and a car reposession. So when he left, I was sure he'd stay gone. Why was I sure? He was too wrapped up in himself, anyone like that can't be a good parent. Unlike the other two fathers, however, I did not feel my children would be safe in his care. Not like "have-them-in-the-middle-of-a-drug-deal" unsafe, more like "leave-them-with-so-n-so-and-they-get-molested" unsafe. There were some very unsavory characters in his life that he trusted for one reason or another. I got a bad -actually terrifying- feeling one day about their safety. That's all it took.

I will tell all who will listen that my job as a mother is to protect my children to the best of my ability, even if it means from their father. As long as there's a valid reason behind it, EVERY mother should be that way.

So after the recent breakup of me and my ex-fiance, who Kyla on her own adopted as 'Daddy", things have been a little difficult for her. She forgot about her biological father and remembered my ex only. So when I explained to her that he wouldn't be 'Daddy' anymore, she started to regress. I now deal with bed-wetting at home and at daycare a few times a week. And the other day, she told her cousins at my sister's house 'I don't have a Daddy'. My sister was heartbroken and explained to her in my absence that everyone has a daddy. So, when we got home I talked to her about what her father's name is and was even able to show her a picture of him holding her when she was a baby. That helped, and it's a start. But honestly, it kind of makes me feel like a failure. I know I am protecting her in one way, but that same protection is hurting her in another. I pray that one day she understands. I also pray that one day she'll have a super stepdad that will show her that fatherly love that every little girl needs. Something I never had.

You know the dream where...

At 530a every morning, my alarm clock goes off. Most mornings I get up and stay up. On the weekends I get the bonus of turning it off and getting back into bed. That's always been my own little way of enjoying days off. Well this morning, I had a little wake up help. My oldest daughter, Alyssa, began talking to me almost the same time the alarm went off. First, a little background on my sleeping style. I guess in some ways I am like most moms, or so I assume. I have missed some of the most fantastic thunder storms because I was sleeping. I could probably sleep through construction...on my own home! I can even sleep through - from back in my married/co-habitating days - that gentle nudge in the middle of the night! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!!!

There is however a small list of things I cannot sleep through. One would be my telephones (cell and home). I'm in customer service and attached to a headset during the day and my work-at-home job in the evening, what do you expect? The other and most important would be my children's voices, even the lightest whisper. It never ceases to amaze me how absolutely awesome God designed the human brain!!!

So, Alyssa comes in there, talking in her regular voice. "Mommy, um, I was having this dream where I thought I had to go to the bathroom but then I didn't but then I really did and so I had an accident for real." (yes, it was a run-on, just like that)

Well, I did say my alarm goes off at 530a, and I am a nightowl by nature. So, that doesn't necessarily mean I was awake per se, at the time. My reply? "Okay, go take a shower and then you can get a comforter and lay on the floor. It's too early for you to be awake." For the record, I did get up and go assess the damage, since my youngest daughter shares the bed with her. She was safely tucked in a ball at the other end of the bed, so I left her alone.

Now usually, I am a fusser. I will fuss and yell and be mad, and I'm so sure that's what my daughter expected. But, I am praying to God daily to help me get through and deal with my children in a more calm, loving tone. Well, someone's prayers were answered, and I was actually rather pleased with myself for my handling of the situation. One thing you should know is that Alyssa is almost 8 years old. The last time she peed in the bed was probably during the potty training phases. So, a) totally rare occurrence and b) who hasn't had that dream?

I remember that dream from my childhood, and ending up with wet underwear. I also remember that dream as an adult -a sober adult- and ending up with wet underwear! Once, it was so vivid, my senses were totally involved. I felt my underwear rubbing against my legs as I pulled them down. I felt the coolness of the seat as I sat down. I heard the sound of "number 1" hitting the water. I also remember feeling the warm then cool sensation of wetness too, which caused me to wake up and go into my momma's room in the wee hours of the morning.

A rather graphic reminder that : Anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve!

Let's all work today to put our our divinely-crafted brains to work for the good of the world and the work of the Lord!