I finally ordered a wireless laptop USB card today! I am very excited! It was free and it costs $35 a month! Now I can be way more mobil while working and/or studying! Progress as Promised!

Gone...For Good

We had a talk today, and he finally made a decision. I feel like before, I made the decision for him by walking away. So I decided after things had been going so well for us, to really be more aggressive and show him that I was for real. I invited him to go away for V-Day weekend to KC with me. He told me he would have to see what she wanted to do first then let me know! BLOCKED SHOT!! I had pretty much nothing else to say after that. We had a text convo later which turned into an actual call after that.

I feel like he finally made a choice, and he told me directly that IT WAS NOT ME. I heard it loud and clear. Even though his actions and emotions betray his mind, he is choosing to be with her. He actually said he wants to give her a chance! What about the one who gave you her everything for two years and you never gave her a chance because you were so busy with these other ones?! Ain't that a bitch! So, I talked to the BFF. And I cried to the BFF. My eyes are still tight (ie, slightly swollen) from crying. But, you know what? I get it now. Just like I told him. What he said is that he doesn't want me. No that's not what his mouth said, but his actions did.

If he really loved me and cared for me as much and as deeply as he says (mouth and body), then he would be with me. Apparently (as I told him today) he cares for her more. He says no to that, but again: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!

I'm tired. I am mentally tired. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am hurt to the core. But through it all... I AM STRONGER!! As much as I care about him, I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need or crave him anymore. I don't want to remember how his kisses felt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in his arms. I don't want to remember how it felt to make love to him and merge our very souls together. I want it all gone. I pray for it to be gone. Because I don't want a few weeks or a few months to go by and when things don't work out with her (long distance dumb ass, look what happened last time?!), I don't want to feel like I want him back! He doesn't deserve to have me again! I know I'm the queen of second and third and fourth chances, but this has to stop! All it gets me every time is heartbreak, while they move on to temporary happiness and maybe even marriage but after it all they're still wishing they had me!!

FUCK THAT!!!

I want the man that's gonna have me and realize his ass better act fast before someone else tries to steal this "good thing" he found!!! Not the one that is willing to fish around for something better, then when he realizes there IS NOT, comes back to my bay!! Screw that, I'm done with this bullshit! We are in our mid to late thirties...why the hell are so many men (read: black men) still playing games!!??

APPLICATIONS ARE BEING ACCEPTED. RACE NOT AN ISSUE.

We've been seeing each other again. What's sad is how I feel about him. Even after all that was done, I still want us to be together. I know he's afraid and I see it, but his fear is no different than most when it comes to love. I just want him to take the chance with me, he wouldn't be sorry. But he's got to let the fear go first. Fear makes you do things that you shouldn't do, like leave the one you truly for someone you kinda like. He's smarter and stronger than that. He just needs a reminder.

I'm Such A Fool

Love can be beautiful, or it can be a horrible thing. It can makes fools out if even the smartest of us! Yes, this does refer to me.
I let him back into my bed. I just don want to let him out of my life, and the feeling is mutual too. So what's the problem, right?
He is still with her. He spent all of the last three major holidays with her. Thanksgiving and New Years in Memphis, and christmas here with HIS FAMILY! And yet, I still want him. I gave him up too easily. I didn't fight for him like I should have. I knew before the crap hit the fan that I had been slacking. Then I got way too complacent and confident when it came down to a choice between the two of us, and this chick was playing to win! I should have been too.
But, now what? Do I just move on and count this a lesson learned? Or, because I know he still wants to be here with me, do I go for it with all I know?

I'll let you know when I figure out what to do.

I heard his voice

I talked to him tonight. I guess I'm still so hurt and therefore guarded that it was not a relief. I have so much frustration towards him, and I hate not being able to get it out. But what's the use? He's not gonna change. He and Gwen, for reasons I will never understand based on the information I have, are together. That is HIS choice, it is HIS life, and it is HIS mistake. I cannot change it, nor save him from it.
I did not like the tension between us on the phone tonight. I don't know if he heard it or felt it, but it was surely there. I guess something that will change with TIME.

Meanwhile, there's me to worry about. I like that subject! I've made a few matches between eharmony and match.com so far. Not all local, but why not give it a shot? There may be some men out there that can actually be commited in a long-distance relationship. They may actually be willing to put forth the effort to bring the two of us closer, as opposed to pursuing additional relationships to fill the void. What a weird concept huh? lol


Yes, yes that was sarcasm...and lots of it too!!

I just realized something. I haven't talked to Dante on the phone - I mean actually heard his voice - in over a week. Wow how things change with time! There was a point not so long ago that I was addicted to that lovely voice...from the first time I ever heard it I was hooked.
It is no longer "my voice", and I'm finally accepting that deep down, so I no longer crave it like I used to. Yes, I said CRAVE! Like some crave chocolate, I craved all things Dante instead!! And it was just as satisfying. But as we all know, that 'good thing' is not always good for you.