Wow, I Think Steve Harvey Knows Me Personally

"Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough.
That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance."

An Excerpt from his book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man"

More Good News

Things are looking up slowly but surely! I still have no money and an electric bill that is to be shut off next week, but I remain expectant!

I received my reinstatement of admission letter today for school! YAY!!! What a blessing that has been. Again, I will not let anyone or anything screw this up for me again. I don't care WHAT my personal relationship situation is, it's not bad enough for me to forgo my goal of a Bachelor's Degree in Business Administration. Period.

Also, the onsite evaluation went so well yesterday that they set up a phone interview same day. The phone interview went so well that they set up an in person interview for Monday. They wanted today but I couldn't do it for two reasons: 1) Dante and I had an important lunch date planned (our first in a long time); and 2) I am riding on FUMES in my van and getting to the office is a LONG way away! So I insisted on Monday late morning. I also have an orientation with a temp company first thing Monday which I hope will have me working within days.

In the meantime, I need to seriously re-evaluate my standing and position with my online chat work. I've been so depressed and dejected still that I have been neglecting that more than I should. I had a great online conference with a group last night and, after seeing someone real check from working about 40 hours a week, I should be bringing in WAY more than I am. I'm doing what I usually do, not taking this seriously enough.

Better starts immediately. If I do not handle the minor things well, how can I expect God to bless me with the major ones?

AMEN!!

I got a Nibble

It's not the one I want, but I will take what I can get. We do what we can until we can do better, right?

RIGHT??

Noooo, not a guy (remember what I said this blog would be about?)! I'm talking about a job. With pay in the 2 digits per hour and actual benefits. BENEFITS. Medical, dental, paid vacation.

So why am I not more excited about it? Because its a 45-50 minute commute...WITHOUT traffic. Each Way. AND I probably wouldn't be working first shift hours, more like first and second shift mixed. That would suck, because I like to be able to pick up my kids. Period. SoloMommy gets very cranky when she can't tend to her own children.

We shall see. I will go there tomorrow, be early, and be my fabulous self. I will do well on the assessments they'll have me do and great in the mini-interview also. Then I'll wait. Not-so-patiently but I will wait. I NEED a job like a month ago, seriously. It's really bad right now.

My power bill is about to shut off in a few days and I have NO WAY to pay it. They also won't give me any type of extension either. Disconnect date is on or after the 19th and payday is the 22nd. I overdrafted my account (again) just to save my storage unit, so I can't bounce it for this. I need a miracle. Heck, I had to cash in our last bit of coins today to afford the bare minimum on the kids school supplies.

Yep, it's that bad. But my faith is not wavering. I am actually in a VERY expectant state right now. I know that any day now, God is about to blow my mind. He never lets me down, He is -as the Marine motto goes - Semper Fidelis!

Who knows, it could be the place I am going to tomorrow. There may be a package so good that I just can't pass it up, even for a 30-40 minute shorter commute. If I remember correctly from a few years back they were starting off at maybe $12-something an hour. Even with this economy, that starting rate should have gone up, and I am a lot more comfortable with the prospect of negotiating that starting rate, since I know it's usually a little flexible. Learned that the hard way a few times.

I would love to be more in the $14-17/hour range. Combine that with the child support that I expect by October or so, and I would be paying off bills left and right. I could still get some stuff done with maybe $13.50...but seriously for that drive, that's the lowest I can really go. I'm hoping though that the benefit package is great enough with them being a healthcare provider that that could kind of act as a raise too, over another job.

Family health premiums, even through employers are outta this world! At CWT, my health premium deducted every pay period was about $170...just for the medical! That didn't include dental and vision! Out of an 80 hour paycheck, that was like making $2.13 LESS than what I was making, just for medical insurance. Those are the things you have to look at. Never just get hung up on the number. There's more to it than that!

In other news, I got my Financial Aid Suspension lifted. YAY!!! Now I just have to get my Academic Suspension lifted and get me reinstated in school so I can start classes again by Fall 2 Term in October. The email was sent as requested today. I am now awaiting the reply...

Lots to pray and believe about right now!

The (job) Hunt Begins...

OMG...I have never been so ready to get back to work in my life!!!

No, no, no...don't panic. I'm still not a big Corporate America or j.o.b. fan, but I'm even LESS fond of being this damn broke! So the acronym for j.o.b. (ie, Just Over Broke) will be a STEP UP for me at this time!!!

I have plans for the next few months. Those plans involved getting a few thousand dollars a month in income, getting a lease option on this house, getting my Denali XL (finally), getting almost ALL bills paid off, raising my GPA back to acceptable levels, and getting my FICO over 600. Yep...all before next Spring.

How, you ask? Well, it all starts with a job, making more than $30K a year. Mix in the part-time income working with AT&T, then sprinkle in about $700/month in child support (most from my selfish ex-husband hopefully) and we should be in a good place. Then top with supplemental income from a part-time Amway online business and some revenue from StarrDom Travel - relaunched and rebranded as a destination wedding/honeymoon/group getaway only agency - and I should be bringing in a nice chunk of change per month.

All to get me to the aforementioned goals. I was originally hoping to have my Denali by my birthday this year but, unless I do something wreckless and stupid...or win the lottery...I won't. That's okay, I'm aiming for next year, around tax return season to be specific. My bills should be in such a good place by then that I could afford to split my return between that and a good down payment on a certain surgery I've been wanting to have.

That's the general plan, now it's time to narrow it down some to more specific goals. It's gonna happen, I no longer have a doubt. God promised it to me, and He does not break his promises.

Eclipse...the cat not the Movie

"Ahh, the common bond for man and cat!"

She's actually SLEEPING like this!

"Night-Night for all!"

"No more photos please!"

That's my girl, doing what she does best! I seriously can't remember sometimes what like was like before I got my baby girl!

Isis even lets me photograph her sometimes too!

Guess Who?

Let's just pretend the last 2+ months didn't happen, shall we?

Here's the Cliff Note version:

Still with Dante. Situation is the same. I screwed up my grades and schoolwork after the helluva year I had, so now I'm on academic and financial aid probation. My ex-husband flaked on our lump-sum child support deal. Unemployment ran out. My mother had to cover my rent for July out of her disability check. I've started a new work assignment doing online chat with AT&T, and have had my cable internet turned off 3 times now during. My admin business website no longer exists, after several years. My travel biz is currently defunct...especially since I can't keep my cell phone on which is the business number. I have no money.

Yep, that pretty much sums that up. On to new things then.

Tired of living this way. I know I have said it so many times before. SO. MANY. But I have to get this preprogrammed thought of lack and struggle out of my self-conscious. I even listen to a motivational mantra on my iPod while sleeping sometimes. Ok, not sometimes. Basically every night I sleep alone. I want to change. I need to change. I believe I can change. I will change.

Most importantly, I will learn to shut the hell up! I can't tell everyone about the things I dream and believe are for me from my Heavenly Father. Honestly, I can't tell most to be frank. My family thinks they are being encouraging, but they come from the same FEAR-laced cloth that I do. When they talk to me about "reality", they actually think they're being helpful rather than the detriment they actually are. Sometimes to the point of "dreamkillers", and who needs that?? I can talk to the BFF about these things, but that's about it. Dante will listen, but even that only goes so far. It's a strange relationship, but he definitely has my back when I need him, and vice versa. It would all be so much simpler if he just allowed that to be enough, but he is a man and 'simple' only describes their mindset, NOT the way they make their situations!

Anywho, I'm on a desperate and determined, focused and fantastic path to get to the life and to the financial level I want to be at. It is not down here where I am now. That will be the focus of most of my blogs henceforth. Me, the Delightful Children, my financial health, this house, my business and/or employment ventures and of course my faith...and for the most part, that's it. I'm all about the positive and progressive directions right now.

Just wanted to put that on the record.

I keep hoping to hear his truck turning into to driveway...
It doesn't look like it's gonna happen.

I love my BFF to death. Let mr say that first. I couldn't imagine life without her. But sometimes she just goes way overboard on the reality of facebook status messages. Poor thing. I know we all have our quirks though. Lord knows I have mine too!

Interesting article...

Dating Tips: 9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

What you discuss can reveal the health of your relationship

By dating editor Denise Ngo for YourTango.com Photo: Corbis Updated: Apr 14, 2010

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds talk about ideas; small minds talk about people. What do you and your significant other talk about? If you constantly hit the heavy stuff, you're probably happier than if you spend time gossiping about your neighbors or coworkers.

A recent study published in Psychological Science says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk. Seventy-nine college students had their conversations recorded and analyzed by researchers, who distinguished between chit-chat about the food or the weather and discussions about philosophy, education, or religion. Subjects who reported the greatest amount of satisfaction spent only 10 percent of their conversation on small talk, while the unhappiest subjects kept 28.3 percent of their talking time in the shallow end.

Among the scores of substantive topics people discuss, we've come up with nine that we believe couples should relish during heart-to-hearts:

1. Embarrassing moments. If you can't share the awkward, "American Pie"-worthy moments that occurred throughout high school with your partner, who can you tell them to? Don't be afraid to broach the subject, if you haven't already. We wouldn't be surprised if their stories are more horrifying than yours.

2. Political viewpoints. How do you feel about the new healthcare bill? You don't have to agree with each other, but you do need to keep an open mind. A good relationship allows both parties to discuss their own philosophies without taking the opposition personally.

3. Fears and insecurities. By fears, we don't mean your phobia of earthworms. We're talking about things that make you wake up with gray hairs. What worries you? What do you want to improve in yourself? What skeletons are in your closet? In being vulnerable, you risk judgment, but more importantly, you chance being understood.

4. Childhood. Ask your partner what he or she was like as a kid. Did she make friends easily? What kind of games did he like to play? Did he have trouble in school? Childhood memories make for fun conversations, but they can also lend insight into how your main squeeze became the person he or she is today.

5. Past relationships. This is a touchy one because no one wants to hear the person they're with spouting sonnets about an ex. There is, of course, a difference between longing for (or being bitter over) the past and simply acknowledging what happened. With enough practice, seasoned, happy couples learn how to address why past relationships ended without inadvertently comparing their current partner to an old flame.

6. Family life. Knowing a person's upbringing and relationship with his or her parents is paramount to understanding his current attitude toward family. If you're even slightly contemplating a future with this person, it might help to ask how well they get along with their parents. Why does she resent her mother? Why is he closer to his sisters than to his brothers? How does she handle family gatherings?

7. Current events. Thanks to the overflow of information, it's nearly impossible to stay up-to-date on everything going on around us. Here's where teamwork comes into play: Ask your partner about his interests, be they economics or regional politics, and see if you can't learn a thing or two. Who knows, maybe you'll help him develop an interest in international affairs or science news.

8. TV and movies. Compared to politics and personal fears, entertainment might seem pretty shallow, but discussions about movies can fall into the "deep" category if you focus on character motivations and plots rather than on, say, the cute leading actors.

9. The future. Talking about the future can be nerve-wracking. While we're not saying you should pressure your partner into talking about plans for marriage and children, we do believe that you should know their dreams, goals, and aspirations. What is he working toward? What drives her to succeed? Where does he see himself in five years? Someone who desires growth and is not afraid of the unknown is surely dynamic enough to deserve you.


* Goes to show, you can't believe everything you read. Dante and I had all these conversations on a frequent basis...and look how well things turned out for us!

Being with some new is ... different. I've been with Dante for so long, it takes getting used to just to be held by someone else. But nonetheless I am making the effort! I'm making time to be with someone who ONLY wants to be with me! Sure, right now it's still second choice. But you know what? Dante has had more chances than a cat has lives, and what has he done with them?!?!?!
I'm taking Charlie's advice (see previous post), plain and simple. Whether it turns into something or not, I'm willing to step out into something new. Something that won't keep breaking my heart over and over again.
So far, so good.

"Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you." - Charlie Swan (Bella's dad in New Moon)

If you love something, let it go.
If it comes back to you, it's yours.
If it doesn't, it never was.

SoloMommy is annoyed that people are still complaining about wanting to see Obama's birth certificate (in a lame a$$ attempt to prove he's really NOT a US citizen)! Look, if the rest of us put up with Bush all that time (especially after what happened in his brother's state with the voting)...then accept reality and move on!!! If u just can't take it, I'm sure Canada or Mexico has room for you!!

All I Ask...

I've come to the realization that it's not the time in my life for me to be married. I've accepted the fact that I may very well finish out my thirties single. I'm actually pretty okay with that. So the guy that I'm with doesn't have to feel threatened that I want to be "walking that aisle" by year's end.
HOWEVER, is it too much to ask for a man to just be with me...and not biding his time between 2 women? Is it too much to ask for fidelity? Is it too much to ask for exclusivity? He's got a lot to work through and figure out in his life, and so do I. So, I'm not expecting a ring or even a live-in. I would just LOVE for it to be only two of us in this relationship.

That's all I ask.




Yes. Yes. I know. It does appear I should seek that ELSEWHERE...because Dante is too content "having his cake and eating it too" right now to be what I ask for!

I finally ordered a wireless laptop USB card today! I am very excited! It was free and it costs $35 a month! Now I can be way more mobil while working and/or studying! Progress as Promised!

Gone...For Good

We had a talk today, and he finally made a decision. I feel like before, I made the decision for him by walking away. So I decided after things had been going so well for us, to really be more aggressive and show him that I was for real. I invited him to go away for V-Day weekend to KC with me. He told me he would have to see what she wanted to do first then let me know! BLOCKED SHOT!! I had pretty much nothing else to say after that. We had a text convo later which turned into an actual call after that.

I feel like he finally made a choice, and he told me directly that IT WAS NOT ME. I heard it loud and clear. Even though his actions and emotions betray his mind, he is choosing to be with her. He actually said he wants to give her a chance! What about the one who gave you her everything for two years and you never gave her a chance because you were so busy with these other ones?! Ain't that a bitch! So, I talked to the BFF. And I cried to the BFF. My eyes are still tight (ie, slightly swollen) from crying. But, you know what? I get it now. Just like I told him. What he said is that he doesn't want me. No that's not what his mouth said, but his actions did.

If he really loved me and cared for me as much and as deeply as he says (mouth and body), then he would be with me. Apparently (as I told him today) he cares for her more. He says no to that, but again: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!

I'm tired. I am mentally tired. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am hurt to the core. But through it all... I AM STRONGER!! As much as I care about him, I don't want to want him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to need or crave him anymore. I don't want to remember how his kisses felt. I don't want to remember how it felt to be in his arms. I don't want to remember how it felt to make love to him and merge our very souls together. I want it all gone. I pray for it to be gone. Because I don't want a few weeks or a few months to go by and when things don't work out with her (long distance dumb ass, look what happened last time?!), I don't want to feel like I want him back! He doesn't deserve to have me again! I know I'm the queen of second and third and fourth chances, but this has to stop! All it gets me every time is heartbreak, while they move on to temporary happiness and maybe even marriage but after it all they're still wishing they had me!!

FUCK THAT!!!

I want the man that's gonna have me and realize his ass better act fast before someone else tries to steal this "good thing" he found!!! Not the one that is willing to fish around for something better, then when he realizes there IS NOT, comes back to my bay!! Screw that, I'm done with this bullshit! We are in our mid to late thirties...why the hell are so many men (read: black men) still playing games!!??

APPLICATIONS ARE BEING ACCEPTED. RACE NOT AN ISSUE.

We've been seeing each other again. What's sad is how I feel about him. Even after all that was done, I still want us to be together. I know he's afraid and I see it, but his fear is no different than most when it comes to love. I just want him to take the chance with me, he wouldn't be sorry. But he's got to let the fear go first. Fear makes you do things that you shouldn't do, like leave the one you truly for someone you kinda like. He's smarter and stronger than that. He just needs a reminder.

I'm Such A Fool

Love can be beautiful, or it can be a horrible thing. It can makes fools out if even the smartest of us! Yes, this does refer to me.
I let him back into my bed. I just don want to let him out of my life, and the feeling is mutual too. So what's the problem, right?
He is still with her. He spent all of the last three major holidays with her. Thanksgiving and New Years in Memphis, and christmas here with HIS FAMILY! And yet, I still want him. I gave him up too easily. I didn't fight for him like I should have. I knew before the crap hit the fan that I had been slacking. Then I got way too complacent and confident when it came down to a choice between the two of us, and this chick was playing to win! I should have been too.
But, now what? Do I just move on and count this a lesson learned? Or, because I know he still wants to be here with me, do I go for it with all I know?

I'll let you know when I figure out what to do.

I heard his voice

I talked to him tonight. I guess I'm still so hurt and therefore guarded that it was not a relief. I have so much frustration towards him, and I hate not being able to get it out. But what's the use? He's not gonna change. He and Gwen, for reasons I will never understand based on the information I have, are together. That is HIS choice, it is HIS life, and it is HIS mistake. I cannot change it, nor save him from it.
I did not like the tension between us on the phone tonight. I don't know if he heard it or felt it, but it was surely there. I guess something that will change with TIME.

Meanwhile, there's me to worry about. I like that subject! I've made a few matches between eharmony and match.com so far. Not all local, but why not give it a shot? There may be some men out there that can actually be commited in a long-distance relationship. They may actually be willing to put forth the effort to bring the two of us closer, as opposed to pursuing additional relationships to fill the void. What a weird concept huh? lol


Yes, yes that was sarcasm...and lots of it too!!

I just realized something. I haven't talked to Dante on the phone - I mean actually heard his voice - in over a week. Wow how things change with time! There was a point not so long ago that I was addicted to that lovely voice...from the first time I ever heard it I was hooked.
It is no longer "my voice", and I'm finally accepting that deep down, so I no longer crave it like I used to. Yes, I said CRAVE! Like some crave chocolate, I craved all things Dante instead!! And it was just as satisfying. But as we all know, that 'good thing' is not always good for you.