The Weekend in Review

Well, the resident family mechanic looked at my van. He replaced the transmission filter, but could not repair the seal, since all three need to be replaced, and one requires dropping the tranny. That's a 2-day job so probably won't be tackled until after the new year.

My family got to see the fridge that was sent up yesterday. In all fairness (or maybe because I believe in the good in most people) the landlord has not seen the refrigerator. He was at his FT job while all this transpired. I didn't even have the desire to call about it yesterday. I will however be looking for my own fridge today.

My nine-year-old niece got the shock o f her life yesterday when, while playing in her dad's pickup truck, she popped it out of park and it rolled down the driveway into the street! She was fine and no cars were coming. She was sent inside and told to sit down on the couch by her mother, where she stayed until they left several minutes later. She was bawling by the time I got in there, and Mom was talking to her. Then her dad came in a few minutes later and she started again. She's definitely not the cry-baby type of kid either. I explained to her that nobody else there knows how she was feeling more than Tee-Tee because it happened to me at that age too. I told her I know she was terrified, but be thankful that nothing bad happened because I had to be immobile for two weeks for busting my knees wide open. I am 33 years old and still have the scars til this day.

I didn't get to relax my hair this weekend. So if it all falls out, you will know why.

The New Guy came over last night and didn't leave until about 2a this time. What we do is he comes over after I have put the kids to bed, that way they don't have to see him yet. Not until I am ready for them to ideally, which may be a few weeks from now. I am still on the fence about this one. Here's why. He's a bit larger than I am used to. I would not call him fat. I would say more like 'some extra pounds'. Losing 40 pounds wouldn't be too much. Never mind the woman in the picture (a staff member at Urban Network Magazine) this is good comparison to The New Guy's size:

That man, by the way, is the late Gerald Levert. Just passed this November at the tender age of 40 years old. The same age as The New Guy, I might add.

So, I don't what is holding me back here besides possibly fear of repetition. Maybe it's that intuition thing telling me to be wary. Or maybe I am just being paranoid about this one because of the last one. Everything else is there. We can laugh, we can talk, he has a real relationship with his children, he seems to be very involved at church and have a relationship with God, he has a great smile, and is handsome to me. He already seems to adore me, and has gone more out of his way in the first weeks of this relationship than most of the men in my past ever did. I can honestly say that if, when I first met him, he were smaller, I would be denying myself the ability to tell him I was falling in love with him.

Am I that shallow? I thought my vanity had toned down significantly over the years. But maybe it hadn't. I am not unattracted to him either. We have definitely gotten into some passionate kissing and even a wandering hand (or two). I wasn't grossed out or anything close to that. It was exactly the opposite, actually (blush). Maybe I feel like because he is not in better physical shape that I am settling for "less than the best"? But for pete's sake, is all the things I've never had before at the same time, in one man still not enough to trump one thing?

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Will work for free therapy sessions...

Playing Hooky

So here I am on a Sunday afternoon, NOT at church. Church where my nine-year old man is singing a solo today with the children's choir. Church where I share a very good relationship with 'my girl' the Pastor. Church where I was once the secretary before full-time employment got in the way. I am home.

So your first question is why am I home, and my child is not? Well, my oldest two caught a ride with my oldest sister today. No, I'm not that much of a slacker mom! I was waiting on our resident family mechanic to get here to hopefully fix my transmission. I am totally sure God understands.

I am also still tickled about the peice of crap refrigerator that the landlord had sent to this house yesterday. People, it is filthy on the outside. Like to the point of only wanting to touch it with the tips of your pointy finger and thumb filthy. But wait! There's more! On the door of the fridge part at the bottom, where there's supposed to be a bar to keep the food from sliding out? There is brown tape!! No really, I'm totally serious. And now for the icing on this 3-year-old fruitcake:
The top freezer part has black mold in it!!! Ummm-mmmm.

He could have just slapped me, and it would have been less insulting.

On a much brighter note, The New Guy let it slip that he is falling in love with me yesterday!

The New Guy

So where do I begin with the new guy? Well, there isn't a joke that I throw that he doesn't get. We can laugh about anything. We can talk about anything. It's great!
People. He digs Prince. AND Terrance Trent D'Arby. Wow!
Okay, so here are the stats: He's 40, twice-divorced (like me), two children (ages 9 & 10), very involved at church, working on his Associate's Degree in Theology to become a licensed minister, great smile, warm heart, genuine personality, great sense of humor. There is a comfortableness between us that is rather uncanny. The same comfortableness that I have with Can't Get Right/The One.

sidebar -- For once and for all I want to get over The One. I have realized as of the last few months that I have idealized the relationship so much that in reality, it could NEVER live up to the dream in my head and heart. So, he gets divorced (finally) and we get married. Now what? He will still be working ridiculous hours, and sleeping the rest. Still unable to make important functions, or even a date, because the job will call. As deep as the love I have for him is, I want/need/deserve more than that. So I have to seriously let go this time.

Back to The New Guy. He drove all the way from his place to my job -which was about 50min with traffic- to see me and give me a ride to my car!!! It was raining, so he picked me up at the door and drove me down the parking lot to my car! Then he did it again the next day!!! This time he came armed with a single pink rose on a 2-foot stem. Maybe not exactly 24 inches, but it had to be close. I am totally smitten with him! BUT, I am staying very careful and trying to keep things slow. He has admitted me is a "quick-to-fall" person, as am I. So this definitely takes some effort! I totally think he is falling for me already!

BUT, I have to get my stuff together. I just don't feel like I am quite there yet. I have a lot more to bring to the table the table than say, when PsychoRev and I first hooked up. I didn't even have a full-time job then. I just need to continue trying to repair my credit and getting ahead of these bills. I will not let myself get sidetracked into love and not line everything up for StarrDom by 2nd quarter 2007 (at the latest). I also want to get myself together physically as well. I absolutely HAVE TO drop 30 pounds by spring! I am sick of carrying it around! I figure that'll allow me about 10pounds a month. Totally doable, right? Right?

Guess Who's Back!!

Man, it's been a minute, but here I am! A few things have happened, including the MidWest Ice Storm.
Over 600,000 people in the St. Louis area were without power, some for a day and some for almost a week. EVen though my family was directly afflicted by the power outage, I have to say, it was a disaster girl's dream!!! The beauty of the ice was only matched by it's destruction. The majority of the tree in my backyard is actually in my backyard. We'll see how long it takes my slacker landlord to fix that.

Speaking of slacker landlord, my 30+ year old fridge died. It had been leaking for about a week. I opened it this past Saturday morning, and the waffles were already unthawed. So I emptied the food from the freezer into the deep freezer. I put the egg tray in the garage, though honestly they had already gotten a little too warm for my comfort to EVER eat. I finally told him about it Monday morning -along with the fact that rent would be terribly delayed- and was told we need to arrange a time when my schedule allows to get a repairman out to look at it. A repairman!!! I work Monday thru Friday, all day. I won't have time to be here until Saturday!!! Are you freakin' kidding me!!!???
Guess I better borrow my sister's ice chest.

My transmission is not shifting past second gear, so the highest speed I can go is 45...and that's really pushing it. I see the tread on one of my tires. My daycare bill is creeping towards $800. I haven't paid anything on cable/phone/internet, or water. If it wasn't for Can't Get Right borrowing from his mother, the cell phone would be off. My financial life blows big time, but that's a blog all in itself. Not just a topic...but a whole blog!

My job reminded me why I don't like corporate America. Even though the National Guard was called in to help with the disaster area, my job informed us that if we missed Friday from work, it would be held against us! Sure you could get paid for it, but it still counted against you. Don't you feel all warm and fuzzy inside right now?
Yeah, me neither.

The one guy from the dating site never emailed me back. I took it as a personal insult initially. Then I remembered it was HIS loss, not mine. I have actually met someone else, but we'll save that discussion for later this evening!

Hey, I'm trying to end this on a suspenseful yet positive note. Work with me people!

Updates

Okay, so never take that much time off at once and DO NOTHING!! It makes it very hard to get back to the daily grind!

My car was the water pump. Our resident mechanic -my sister's BD (baby-daddy)- said he has never seen one that bad before and was suprised it lasted that long. I told that van has the best coverage around. It is covered in prayer daily!! It still won't shift from second gear, and I need to have front brakes put on this weekend. But I'm getting from home to work -and all points in between- so that's the blessing!

The one guy that I sent an email to never responded. I am shocked, but I guess it happens to the best of us! I began chatting with someone I thought was an okay guy. Surely had a few issues, very sad story about wife and daughter killed in car accident and hasn't dated in five years. (hear the violin) I thought that was a little fishy, but I am open and honest and I expect the same. Sorry, sorry, my fault! The first time we chatted was cool...or so I thought. It was actually the setup. A few days went by and then he starts laying it on about how his mom really needed this surgery but he didn't have all the money he needed and what was he going to do. I forgot to mention he says he's in another country taking care of her, but usually lives in LA. So if he could just find someone in the states to open a citibank account and then his mom's friend in the Samoan Islands would wire the money there and then that someone could withdraw the money and send it to him then his mother would live. I know it was run-on, but you get the effect right?

All kinds of sirens were going off in my head by that time. When the chat first started last night, I got one or two warning signs, then went from there. He wasn't walking about any of the relationship stuff we chatted about the time before, any "getting to know you" stuff. This time he was crying because if his mother --who has leukemia, by the way-- doesn't get this surgery, she will die. I didn't know surgery can cure leukemia, but hey, I'm not a doctor either! So apparently the hook is to scour dating sights, pick someone under the guise of being interested in dating them, and then do this scam thing about the bank accounts. That's a shame, but it doesn't deter me from online dating.

Why?

Before online dating, I met my share of scammers in real world situations!!! Remind me to tell you about the WonderTwins father. If he didn't "borrow" my debit card from my purse a dozen times, he didn't do it once!! Not to mention the $1000 calling card (that was stolen) bill!

So anyway, I'll keep you posted occasionally on how the situation pans out. Maybe I'll find someone or maybe it's just not the season. I am working on being content either way.

On a good note physically, I am still consistent on my 100/100 challenge!! I have not missed a day, and I can feel my core strength and endurance increasing! Before I could only manage to do 50 at a time...and barely! That's why I broke it up into morning and night sets. But laziness in the morning has caused me to put it off until night. So for about a week now I've been doing 100 at night and... It's not killing me!!! I actually feel after 100 now like I did after 50 a couple of weeks ago!! WooHoo!!

Go me! Go me! Go me!

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving, a day to stuff ourselves to oblivion and visit with our family.

Nooooo... Let's try that again.

Today is a day to spend with family (and friends) and reflect upon the things in this life we are thankful for. So here are some of mine.

• I am thankful for DJ, Starr, Champagne, and Bruzer. Those are my children.
• I am thankful for my mother, my sisters, my nieces, and my friends.
• I am thankful that my children and my nieces know so well their 85-year-old great-grandmother.
• I am thankful for the large house I now live in, compared to the 2 bedroom townhouse all five us were in for far too long.
• I am thankful for the job that God has blessed me with. It pays well and I love what I do.
• I am thankful for my health, and for all the things that could be wrong with me but are not.
• I am thankful for every red light I was caught by, or every slow driver I was stuck behind who probably kept me from an "accident waiting to happen" ahead.
• I am thankful for the four major times that God spared my life. It reminds me that I have a purpose and I have work to do.
• I am thankful for the freedom to know God, to accept Jesus as my savior, and to be able to teach my children the same.
• I am also thankful that whatever is wrong with my car happened on a Wednesday evening before this 4-day Thanksgiving Weekend, and not when I had to go to work the next day!!!
  

Praise God!!! Hallelujah!!!!

What are you thankful for?

Breakin' The Rules

See, this is my problem. I make rules, and then I bend them. No, no, not break, just kinda curve to the side a little!

I know, you're not buying it. Neither am I...really.

I was looking around at Match.com this morning, something I never really did when I created my profile. Out of four pages of very specifically matched criteria search results, I saw one! I looked all through his profile, read what he wrote, looked at the pictures, and I like! So, since I'm not a subscriber, I sent a wink. That's a very generic way of letting that person know you're interested.

I guess if he winks back, I'll do the three day free membership to get his email address and we can communicate. If he winks back.

So..... I did my crunches this morning! That counts for the good, right?

Right?

A Day Off!!!

I had a day off today. From my FT day job that is. I'm at the PT WAH gig right now. Yeah, I know, it never stops.

But today, I did nothing. I had a loveseat full of clean clothes, and I didn't touch them! I watched Janet Jackson on The Tyra Banks Show. I ate a McDonald's Deluxe Breakfast Platter --then subsuquently ate no lunch. I played on myspace.com all day. Go see my page, it's really cute! I emailed back and forth with a guy I used to work with. He intimidates me because he is so fit. I don't mean like bodybuilder no-neck fit. I mean like 'everyday guy, nice arms, nice shoulders, nice chest, nice abs 'cause he works out' kind of fit.
And we all know I am big fat slob right now!

I reconnected with a couple of old acquaintances on myspace today. One of them, I'll call him Adonis, was very dear to me. I think I goofed that one up myself! I was all into The One back then. (and that's different from now, how exactly?) This was a few months before Alyssa was conceived. Also during my impending divorce. He told me one day while we were seeing each other that 'it's not like we could get serious or anything' because I was married. Well, I took that to mean he wasn't interested in getting serious because he was a few years younger than me, yet I was only 23. So the divorce was final in October 1997, we continued to 'kick it' as we had been. Even though he was Jehovah's Witness and didn't celebrate Christmas, he came to my family dinner. He invited me to his relatives' Friday night Fish Fry. What an idiot I was!!! Now looking back, we were really an item weren't we?
So what did I do? Well, at the same time this was going on, my ex-husband and his mistress were about to drive me bananas -- literally. So I went to visit The One is San Diego where he was stationed with the Army and fell in love! I was in travel at the time and had a free airline ticket and vacation. From the moment I stepped out of the terminal, I was in love!
Not with The One, with San Diego! El Nino was cuttin' up and my hotel (and the surrounding blocks) experienced a power loss. Unbeknownst to us, Alyssa was concieved. What else were we supposed to do in the dark?! Two weeks later on my next visit, I was looking at apartments and interviewing for jobs. I put a deposit down on a place before the week was up.

For the record: I only saw The One one time each visit. So I was not...I repeat...I was not moving 2200 miles with a 9-month-old to be with that man!

Back to Adonis. I, in my usual flippant and nonchalant style, broke the news to him that I was moving to San Diego. I am sure The One came up in the conversation too. I vaguely remember a 'What about us?" kind of question, and I made reference to his previous statement about us getting serious. He vehemently reminded me that I was no longer married!!! oops, Space Captain strikes again. (I have to be Captain now, since Alyssa is the Cadet)

I talked to him while I lived in San Diego. We even 'hooked up' a time or two when I moved back here. But, as usual, life moved on. At least we have myspace.

Then I went to pick up the kids, came home, cooked, did the mommying, watched Heroes, and headed up to work. I'm working 2 hours, then I'll do my 100 crunches and head to bed.

The Dating Game

Okay, so I think I have allowed sufficient time to heal from the PsychoRev (as he is not-so-affectionately known) and the Marriage That Thank God Never Was! So I have decided to put myself back on the market!
I could have been back "out there" but I was kind of holding out for The One or, as he currently known, Can't Get Right. Looks like I'm gonna have to let that situation go completely!

Once and for all.

Forever.

Dramatic? Yes, but it totally applies in this situation.

So what have I done asks the inquiring minds? I have spruced up my Yahoo!Personals online profile, and made it searchable again. It had been unsearchable since May of last year. I am registered with eHarmony, but my budget cannot afford to become a full member there! It's like $56 a month! I know, I know. I'm worth it and so is the Right Man. But, so is the water bill, ya feel me?

I also made a profile on Match.com as well. I am also just a member there, but I do plan to subscribe in the next month or so. I will do this the Genesis way, however. I have absolutely no intention of initiating contact with anyone. I don't care how fine or how perfect a match he is. If he doesn't "find me", it won't happen.

There are a lot more people under Match than YP, so I am kind of excited about that. We will see what happens. In the meantime, I may try to make an offline connection as well with a former co-worker. We'll see what he does with the information he's been given.

So why online dating? Because I don't go anywhere for one. I figure, if I shop online for everything else, why not this too? I put my priorities right out front, so if he doesn't like something...keep browsing man, keep browsing! Provided they are being honest (even if only for the most part), I get more of out looking at what they say on their profiles than by looking at them in a club. From there, I control exactly how fast or slow -or if at all- I want things to go. Do I just want to keep chatting or emailing for awhile? Do I want to give him my phone number? Is this someone I feel comfortable meeting in person? Each is different, and you have to go with your gut.

I'll keep you posted. Who knows? I may actually get to go out on a d-a-t-e!

Challenge!

So last night I started my 100 Crunches/100 Days challenge. I would like to see at least 2-3 inches off this waist by the new year. I break it up into morning and night sets, 50 each. To be quite honest with you, I feel like I have really accomplished something! I will finish this successfully, I love this feeling of accomplishment!
I have to start planning my reward for completion. NO!!! It will not be food!
Let's see...(checking the calendar)...100 days from yesterday is...February 23, 2007. Maybe a pedicure would be a great reward. Or a manicure. Or both. Or a massage. (this could go on forever)
I'll keep you posted.

Taking info from another blog I read, I plan on going on a fruit fast soon. I need to cleanse and detoxify my body, hopefully losing some unwanted poundage in the process.
Well, duh! Of course it will be after Thanksgiving!
That will be in the form of a challenge as well. Perhaps 10-14 days. The reward for that one? Hopefully fitting back into my fabulous jeans!
No, for the record, these are not BabyPhat or AppleBottoms or any other premium-priced pairs of jeans.
These are Newport News, bought them on sale for $9.99/pair, 33-34 inch inseams, dark denim, bootcut jeans. I feel great in them because I look great in them. My butt is off-the-chain in these jeans!!!
I am fascinated my my derriere, I will admit. I am very pleased to have one. A Real One. Not the little bump that most non-ethnic women call a butt. I've actually got "junk in my trunk"! Woohoo!!!

How did I get there? Oh yeah, rewards for challenges. One more.

30 Minutes/30 Days. Guess what that is? Yep 30 minutes of sustained exercise daily for 30 days straight. Perhaps November 20-December 20 sounds like a plan? The reward for completing this challenge? See the tangent above about my jeans!

Just Some Things On My Mind

1) I did 50 crunches last night before bed! AND, 50 crunches this morning when I first woke up!
Hot Stuff, Baby!!!! I'm on a personal 100 day/100 crunches challenge.

2) Can't Get Right still hasn't called or text messaged me to say Happy Birthday. Even after I sent him a message calling him out on it.

3) I am still financially challanged!

4) I'm still 190 pounds.

5) Baby, it's cold outside!

6) I've played hooky from church for one reason or another for the past several weeks.

7) I don't have to work Monday!

8) I may have a d-a-t-e Monday!

9) I need to clean my room! An accurate description would be it looks like it was hit by an F4 tornado!

10) I have officially begun full-fledged potty training for the Bruzer!!

That is all.

The Weekend Review

This past weekend was my great-aunt Mildred Helm's funeral. This was my grandmother's younger sister. She was 80 years old and lost a very long and very arduous battle with cancer. I initially hadn't planned on going to the funeral, since I didn't know her very well. But I decided to go for the sake of my grandmother. I'm glad I did.

But let's back it up to Friday first. I had to work that day. But, my oldest two children's daycare -which is also a Christian Church and K-3 school- closed at 2p that day in honor of Veteran's Day. Luckily, my mom works for the state so she was off work. She came to pick up my minivan then pick up all of my kids. She has a minivan too. I have a 1996 Dodge Grand Caravan (yeah I know, BIG BALLER) and she has a 1997 Chrysler Town and Country. Same vehicle, with a few minor details different. One major difference is that hers is missing the entire back bench! It's in my sister's basment. When I moved, I took both captain's chairs and the back bench out for more space. So, then she discovered she could do it too! For a goodwilling, yard-saling junkie, THIS IS NOT GOOD. I moved the last week in July, need I say more?

She ordered pizza and we stayed there at my sister's house until about 930p, then headed home. Saturday we got up early and were out of the house by about 1045a to get to the funeral on time.
Regarding the funeral. A word of advice. The following scripture is NOT APPROPRIATE for a funeral:

19
And many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them about their brother.
20
When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him; but Mary sat at home.
21
Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

From the book of John. Yeah, they really used that scripture. Even for the eulogy!
And I forgot about the most priceless line EVER heard at a funeral. I swear this was said to my great uncle Eddie by the evangelical minister:
(ahem)
'You can't bring her back. But you can go to where she is."

I am not kidding! He really did say it! As he looked him in the eye and laid a gentle hand of comfort on his shoulder.

I know where he was going with that, and one more line after that would have made the difference. Something like, "We all can when we get to heaven." But nooooo, he was so pleased with himself, and he went and sat down!

So, then later ...
No, I can say nothing else about the funeral. I think that last bit was enough, right?
We went to the repass (when the family gets together to eat after the burial) at the church. Then headed to Grandmother's, where there was more food. From there after a few hours, we migrated up to my oldest sister's house. Our cousin Tanisha along with her husband Pete and four children came up for the funeral as well. So they stayed at Grandmother's house Friday night and Audra's house Saturday night. The kids and I stayed over there until about 10P, then got up early Sunday morning and headed back over there to fix and eat breakfast.

After a diaper/pull-up/wipes run to Wal-Mart, we headed down to Grandmother's house for Sunday dinner. Tanisha and the fam were already on their way back to Mississippi. I left Grandmother's at about 430p and tried to make it home before dark (ie, 5P).

Then I did nothing until it was time for me to go to bed and prepare mentally for the workweek.
I'm still working on that last part!

Happy Birthday To Me...

Today's the day! Officially 33 years old! I am very proud of my age, and see absolutely no reason to lie about it. There are some I know that didn't make it this far.

What did I do for my birthday? I got up and continued reading my current book, Girl, Get Your Money Straight by Glinda Bridgforth. This will be the first book I have read start to finish in several months. And in less than a week too!!!

After about half an hour, I got up an began to get ready. I greeted my girlfriend who was dropping her 2 kids off so she can go to work. Then I proceeded to drop six children off at schools and daycares (total of 4 stops), and go to work. Yeah, WORK. The show must go on -- especially if I'm the star!

My two coworkers treated me to lunch at Carlos OKelly's Mexican Restaurant. We only get half an hour, so they paid for mine and I went to pick it up. Lindsay and I ate, while Laverne is currently fasting. I got so full, but it was so good! I had a piece of Alyssa's birthday cake this evening -which is still really moist after four days.

I treated the kids to Sonic when I picked them up this evening. It was definitely a treat because everyone got their own Kid's Meal! That doesn't usually happen for two reasons.
1) My budget can't really afford it.
2) I don't want twenty-gagillion trinket toys in my house!

I came home and printed my Cold Stone Creamery birthday coupon I received by email. Yes, of course I joined their birthday club! Hello? Free Ice Cream?

Then, tomorrow I get to go to work and do it all over again! Woohoo!!!! Meanwhile, the focus shifts from me to Kyla, since her birthday is tomorrow!

Alyssa's Birthday Weekend

So Alyssa turned 8 on Nov 2. But since that was a Thursday, we waited until the weekend to really celebrate. On her actual birthday, they had McDonald's and I gave her gifts to her. Nothing fancy, just some girlie stuff. Lip gloss (Bratz), bangle bracelets and a Tinkerbell purse. The purse is actually for grownups, which is even better. It's girlie, but "hip" at the same time.

Saturday, we did absolutely nothing all day. Laundry for the most part. I washed and dried Kyla's hair. I worked with Chandler on the potty training thing. I must proudly say that he officially has 'Number 2' all figured out! If we just get him tuned in to 'Number 1'...

Sunday was the Build-A-Bear day. We didn't do a party there. My kids will have (semi) big deal parties every other year. Since Kyla's birthday is the 10th, I decided I would just let both of them pick out their bears as a birthday present. It wasn't supposed to be that big of a burden for me since Alyssa's father (aka Can't Get Right, aka The One) was supposed to meet me there and pay for Alyssa's. Low and behold, they are just picking out animals and here he is calling. "I am so sorry. We are in a meeting downtown and I just can't get away. Blah, blah, blah. I am so sorry. Blah, blah, blah. I WILL pay you back." Really, I swear I heard the blah,blah,blah part. He'll hide in a corner for awhile and then he'll surface. He's licking his wounds, thinking I'm mad at him. I know him too well to be mad.

Of course I didn't tell Alyssa he was supposed to be there! What? Is this the first time something like this has happened with my kids? Um, no.

Trust me, all you other solo mommies out there, take note to this trick. NEVER tell your children their father (notice I didn't say dad, those guys are a whole different breed -- sighing wistfully) is going to do ANYTHING. EVER. If it happens or they show up, let it be a wonderful surprise. Otherwise, protect your child from unnecessary heartbreak.

I was one of those kids.

Anyway, Alyssa picked a cool fuzzy pink bear and named her Alison. Kyla picked Hello Kitty and named her Hello Kitty Bear. She's almost 4, what do you expect? We've already worked out nicknames like 'Kitty' and 'KittyBear'.

They each got one outfit and shoes. Both of the animals are wearing skirts with no undies; because I don't pay $3.50 a pair for my own!!!! Maybe next trip we'll make them a respectable "cubbette" and kitten. I bought the boys a little already stuffed dog. A palm-sized Malamute! I couldn't not get them anything! After we left there, I had to go sit down on a bench, since I had become a little lightheaded. Why, you ask?

Trip to Build-A-Bear's Flagship Store at St. Louis Galleria: $102.00
Feeding a Family of Five off the Burger King Dollar Menu: $8.00
Seeing the joy that I brought to my children's faces: PRICELESS

Then, after a cake run to Sam's and some home-cleaning, everyone came over for hot dogs, cake and ice cream! Simple, yes. It's all about family. That's what I've learned.

Sometimes He calms the storm...

You know what the clouds look like far away when a storm is brewing? Just a kind of faint darkness, no thunder, no lightening. But you know it's coming.

That's what my life feels like right now. I know it's coming, and I'm bracing myself for it.

I know that storms aren't all bad though. You know how we like to say rain is just God's way of washing everything clean? Well, sometimes you wash things on gentle cycle...and sometimes you wash them on heavy duty!

That's the way I see a storm. Sometimes, to get things clean, you have to really scrub them. Like, elbow grease, scrub. But after you are done with that steel wool pad on the bottom of that pan, doesn't it look good? Sure, it was difficult when you were scrubbing. The muscles in your arm were starting to fatigue. You may have even broke out in a sweat. You know it needed to be done, you couldn't not do it. It would be much worse to just leave it that way, continually getting worse. Thus making your scrubbing job harder later. Whew, you're done! Doesn't it look good shining like new?! The hard work was worth it! Now, you can hang it on that cool cookware rack over your center island, instead of down in the cabinet where it's been.

Have you noticed how after a really good storm, there are little tree limbs all over the place? That's God's Heavy Duty scrub cycle for His world. Those twigs and leaves and branches needed to come off, they just needed some help. Most likely, they were probably already no good for the tree, or they were about to be no good for it, so they were "pruned" away for the good of the whole tree.

Knowing that has helped me look forward to the storms that will inevitably come. I hope my analogy has helped you too. It will be difficult. There will be days when I'll want to just take cover and come out when it's over. But, if I focus on the end result - that I'll be better when it's over - I'll make it through just fine.

There is a hymn that pretty much sums it up perfectly:

I REALIZE THAT SOMETIMES IN THIS LIFE WE'RE GONNA BE TOSSED BY THE WAVES AND CURRENTS THAT SEEM SO FIERCE, BUT IN THE WORD OF GOD I-I-I'VE GOT AN ANCHOR AND IT KEEPS ME STEADFAST & UNMOVABLE DESPITE THE TIDES. BUT IF THE STORMS DON'T CEASE. And JUST IN CASE THE WIND KEEPS ON BLOWING IN MY LIFE MY SOUL HAS BEEN ANCHORED IN THE LORD

Commit it to memory, for those days when you can "see" the dark clouds in the distance.

Tired and Tired

So I caved today and allowed my children to go trick-or-treating with my brother-in-law and neices. They even dressed in costumes.

Why is that caving? Because we as a family do not celebrate Halloween. I don't agree with what it stands for or what its origins were. My oldest two understand that, and even more so as they've gotten older. They still participate in their Halloween parties at school. I'm not that bad! But as far as spending money on costumes, never been my thing. But I guess it's not about me, is it?

Yes, for those of you that have wondered, I dressed up as a kid for Halloween. I enjoyed myself. Well, actually it mainly the candy I enjoyed. They get that too. DJ was a soldier dressed in fatigues. Starr was an angel, complete with halo. Bruzer was Winnie the Pooh. Champagne preferred to stay at my other sister's house with Cheyanne, her cousin of the same age.

I could have told my sister when she asked if they could go trick-or-treating 'No'. Knowing how I feel about it, she would have understood. DJ and Starr would have "understood" too. But how could any mother who cares an inkling about her children have done that? I know it may seem like a small thing to some, but I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror. Due to my scheduled work hours, I have already had to take my kids out of the only things they had going for them outside of school and family - scouts. They haven't even sang in the choir at church for a few months, because I'm getting off work when practice starts. So, as a solomommy would do, I beat myself up frequently for the things they don't get to do.

Because, you know, the world really is on my shoulders.

But, what matters most is that they had a good time. I've got enough candy to last until Valentine's Day, but they had a good time! My work here is done! (sigh in faux exasperation)

So, it's not about me, is it?

I'm Thankful

I thought I would just repost this blog I wrote a few days ago on my MySpace page:

As I sit here at my computer -which is where I destress from the day- I am thankful. Thankful it's Friday, yes. But more importantly, I am thankful I have a "Friday" to be thankful for. Those out there who have a sincere love for God, as I do, understand my previous statement. For those of you who haven't yet "got there", let me break it down for you.
At work, our internet usage is censored from certain sites. Oh, not just porn and crap like that, but non-work email accounts, myspace, blogs, entertainment sites, and stuff like that too. So to keep up with the world, I watch cnn.com, where I get a bit of everything. I see so much bad and good there. I like it better than watching the daily news, because I CHOOSE what I want to see. Not like the nightly news where you see 10 minutes of murder, corruption, destruction, stealing, robbing, carjacking, etc etc. Then, after the weather and sports and more weather, you get one good news story at the very end.

Occasionally, I read a particularly sad story. Like a whole family shot on a Florida highway - with the mother holding her children in her arms. Like an 18 year old and her 2, 1, and 2-week old children dying in a fire. Or, very close to home, another young pregnant mother killed brutally and her 3 children murdered as well. Those are the stories that make me realize how BLESSED I am. I have four, healthy, beautiful, smart (see my blog for that definition) and very cute children. I was recently blessed from a 2BR (older) townhouse to a 1650 sq ft 3BR home. I was also recently blessed with a great paying job to cover costs, plus a work-at-home gig to help finance my self-employed (near) future. I have a mother who would literally lay down her life for me. I have two sisters who are more than a mere mortal could ask for. Friends that are like family. A great friendship with my pastor. But most importantly, I have Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer, and the Love of God in my soul.

Who couldn't be thankful for that!!!

The different degrees of SMART

Where I come from, there are two kinds of "smart". There's common sense - otherwise known as "street smarts". The other is book sense, aka "book smarts". There have been many a heated debate about which is more important for a child to have. My opinion is that it should be a perfect combination of the two. A lot of times what you see however, is one or the other.

Which leads me to my oldest two, DJ and Starr, boy and girl respectively. Both of them are straight A students. DJ is in the 4th grade and loves school. School loves him back by giving him teachers yearly that adore him! Great little system the two have worked out. Starr, though only 17 months younger than DJ but with a late birthday is in 2nd grade now. I saw her first quarter grading report while conferencing with her teacher and had to explain the look on my face. "I'm sorry," I said "I'm just not used to seeing B's!" They have both been selected to be in their school's Challenge class program, Starr being the only one chosen in her class. DJ has a gift for writing, while DJ is more artistically inclined. Yes, I'm bragging and yes, I'm spoiled because they are just so smart!! Probably between the two of them is a cure for cancer, at the very least. Then after that, they could solve world hunger and achieve world peace later.

What? It could happen!

The drawback to all this brainpower? A serious deficiency in common sense. Yes, I can admit it, it's pretty bad. The title "space cadet" has found a home on my daughter...as it did her mother so many years ago. Starr, I am convinced, has ADD (attention deficit disorder). Nope, not taking her to the doctor just for that. Those that her know her best call it "StarrWorld" when she spaces out the way she does. DJ, well, he has testosterone as his shortcoming. He can "manlook" like the best of them! What's "manlook"-ing? Ask your husband or boyfriend to find something that you put nearly right in front of them...except you put something on top of it! Example: the jewelry box on your dresser, but you tossed a scarf on it! He'll come back and say "I can't find it!" That is "manlook"-ing. I am working with the two of them to hopefully even out the balance a bit. Perhaps they can pick up on the common sense things a little earlier than I did. Yeah, she got the SpaceCadet trait from me!

Now the Wondertwins? Totally street smarts, and they're only 3 and 2! I don't know what school is going to be like, as I do have a few years for that. Thank goodness because when Bruzer gets into school, I'll need to be self-employed for the flexibility required to be in the principal's office so much! As far as grades, I am definitely hoping they inherited Mommy's smarts. Their father was most definitely gifted with an overabundance of street smarts, which of course caused a serious deficit on the book smart (and relationship!) end. It became commonplace for me to have to define a word I had just said to him. He couldn't even get it from the context of the sentence! So between his abundant supply of street smarts and my more-than-ample book smarts, those two crazy kids may just have a shot!

So then while DJ and Starr are taking care of cancer, world hunger, and peace on earth, Champagne and Bruzer will have built successful corporations from the ground up and be their older siblings' major research contributors. Everybody knows that entrepreneurs need both street and book smarts to be successful at what they do. Or at least they do now. Meanwhile, Mommy will be living out her years fairly well to do (thanks to the kids of course) somewhere in one of the warmer southern states, and travelling rather extensively whenever I get the itch to get away.

What?!

It could happen, you know!

My Theme Song

I prettied up my site a bit. I'm pretty pleased with it. After I am done, loading these new pics onto my desktop, who knows? I may actually load a picture! Look out now!

Regarding the song? Oh yeah, you have to excuse me, I'm AADD. At least, according to my self-diagnosis from the commercial I am! You know the one where the lady is in the meeting and she totally can't concentrate because her mind looks like she's flicking channels on the TV? That is surely me! I am okay with my "illness", I have learned to live with it. Well no, I haven't told my doctor --and actually don't plan to either. I 've been known as a "space cadet" to my family most of my life, why would I go and ruin that for them now!! Then again, having four kids on top of that didn't help the old attention span one bit now did it?!

ANYWAY, back to subject. When I first heard this song and listened to the words, I thought of myself and my love life over the years in some ways. So I decided to share this part of me with you:




Let me know what you think.

On a less dramatic note, this one had me ROTFLMAO!! Enjoy!

Solo Mommy's Sick Day

I had to leave work early yesterday. It started out an okay day. I thought I was on the right track with the weight issue by drinking a SlimFast shake in the morning. Well, by the time I got to work at 930a, I wasn’t feeling the best. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything the night before. By 1030a, I was actually running to the bathroom! Of course when I got there into the stall, the sensation was gone. But smart girl I am, I waited!! It only took 2 minutes for the torrent to begin.
I am not a total germophobe, but I am also NOT kneeling over a public bathroom toilet either! So after the deed was done, my back was hurting immensely to due the wrenching of dry-heaves at a bending-over-at-the-waist position. Yeah, not-so-good. But I felt better afterwards…for a little while.

Within a half hour, things were not so great. My body began aching from the neck down. Like hurting to the touch aching. I was freezing, f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g cold. Finally I departed work at about 135P. A trooper, I know, so brave!

I got home and gingerly changed into some sweats and a shirt, then wrapped up in my comforter and passed out. I could have very easily slept all day…if I was a guy. But hey, the title of this blog explains it doesn’t it? Solo mommy!? Instead, I regained consciousness between 4p-415 and dragged myself back into my clothes to pickup the kids. I wanted to make sure my oldest sister hadn’t come across town to pick up my oldest two –as is her daily routine- since I was right there. I also picked up my youngest at daycare, got my neice from her friend’s house where she goes after school and then headed to “the middle child’s” (my other sister) house for her birthday. I didn’t want to miss it and I didn’t want the kids to miss it.

I stayed on the couch the whole time –maybe 2 hours- and was able to follow along with most of the conversation in the adjacent dining room. The Bruzer came over and was trying to talk to me with hot dog in his mouth and Holy Moses! How do you shoo away a little kid who’s just trying to be nice to his mommy while trying not to blow chunks at the same time?! You hold your breath, smile, and say ‘Go back to the table and finish eating sweetie’ while silently thanking the Lord for your lung capacity! I did manage to drink a kid-size mandarin orange juice, bringing my daily food intake to water, 2 snack cups of applesauce and that juice. Surely I lost a pound or two, right?

I made it home, thank goodness they had already eaten hot dogs so I didn’t have to deal with dinner. The oldest two can handle their own showers and well, the youngest two were dirty for an extra day! I cancelled my shift for the WAH gig, and slithered back into bed by 930p.

The next morning, there was no more hurt-to-the-touch body aches, but I did have a headache from an abnormal amount of sleep. I’m used to 5-6 hours max, anything over 7 or 8 and I’m almost useless. I was still pretty groggy so –bad mommy- I didn’t get the kids to school until almost 9 –bad mommy- this morning!

Hey, even supermoms have an “off” day!

What ever happened to Customer Service?

By trade, I am a travel agent. Not the "come on in to the storefront location and I'll book you a cruise" kind of travel agent most of us think of. I am a corporate travel agent, who usually handles all clients in more of a call center environment. In addition to that experience, I have many years of customer service telephone experience. I gave a Cliff's Notes resume of my experience to say that I take customer service VERY SERIOUSLY. I totally get that my performance as a frontline to whatever company I am working for will DIRECTLY affect my pay! That's the way I think of it, and so that is one of the reasons I excel in my CS skills.

When is CS a bad thing? When it is in the hands of utility companies. Of course I am including the cable and telephone companies in that lineup. I have never encountered a bigger group of self-absorbed and insensitive people with headsets stuck to their faces in my life!! It's like they know that we're stuck with them, so they can treat us however. We'll keep complaining and paying our bill, 'cause there's really no alternative. AND THEY KNOW IT!! Plus, on top of that, they don't treat their employees very well so why would they sound happy on the phone? They HATE their job because they know their employer treats them like a commodity instead of a person. There are far too many companies out there that are more busy focusing on the "bottom line" (ie profits) rather than their most valuable resource -- their people.

Because of those facts, I spent a total of 4-and-a-half hours on the phone with the cable company last week. The score? Them 1, me 0. I will admit, I am kind of a slacker so it was my fault I hadn't paid attention to the bill since I moved 3 months ago. What? What? Much to surprise when I sat down online to pay it and saw over $600! How does a $99 bundle deal for all three services (phone, digital cable, internet) translate into $600 in 3 months time? I got a million-jillion "I'm sorry ma'am"s but still no real definitive answer. So after 5 phone calls, about 25-30 transfers and a 1hour conversation with a "supervisor", I thought the issue was resolved. We got everything squared away, I made a payment on the phone, we were good. So I thought! Thursday evening I couldn't figure out why my phone was so quiet, which is unusual. It was dead! I was to start work in an hour! Needless to say, that didn't happen --or on Friday or Saturday night either. They reconnected the main line, but noone bothered with the second line.

Get this: I called to complain about it Friday and request something be done immediately to restore my second line as I had missed enough work as it was. This "heffa" decided she was done talking to me, so she ever so politely HUNG UP ON ME!!! I couldn't call back because I was completely livid! I called this morning on my way to work and was told that the order was placed and the phone would be on today. It was on before I left work at 6P.

So, thanks to their complete lack of care for the customer, I lost 10 hours out of a 20hour workweek. Yeah cuz you know me being a single mom and all, I just have money rolling in everywhere. Riiiiiiight! You move on and you move past. I just finished my first shift for this week. I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity, and not even Charter is gonna stand in the way of that!!!

The Weekend Review

This weekend I decided -somewhere along the way- that we would stay in all weekend. So we did. I got a few things done. Laundry is not an accomplishment for me. Not because I love doing it or anything like that. Laundry in my world is like bathing. It has to be done, or things will get nasty really quickly! Seriously, I can't go more than two days without at least one load getting washed and dried. Wait until the weekend? Totally not possible in my house! The dirty clothes in my house are like Gremlins, except they multiply by just being piled together -- no water necessary!!!

I cut my youngest son's hair on Sunday afternoon. While his hair is not bad, it's not the best either, and will tend to curl up into little "beads" if left uncut for over a week. I also washed, conditioned and blow-dried my oldest daughter's hair. Once I put my hands in her head that pretty much washes out ANY chance of me doing my own. I still have to comb hers into a style in the morning, and then I'll flat iron it straight tomorrow evening. I know, it seems weird to some flat-ironing an (almost) 8-year-olds hair. I do that as opposed to the immense heat of the pressing comb, since she has this funny kind of hair that will start to frizz back up in a few days anyway. It's SO thick! That's what makes me not want to bother with my own after that "ordeal". Thus leading back to me taking time for me, as discussed in a previous thread.

I think I will go wash my hair tonight in the shower. Then I'll clip my ends and slick it into a ponytail with lots of conditioner, and put my new phony pony on that I bought on Friday. That look should get me through until Tuesday when I can relax it. It's a slow process, but investing more time in myself if well worth it in the long run. For me AND for my kids.

Weekend movie review: The Notebook. Totally summed up in these words: OH MY GOD!!!!! It reminded me of me and The One. Or at least how we'd be in 'movieland'. In real life I sent him a text message to be this evening or else. He responds saying he'll be here about 730p, but as of 11p still hasn't shown up yet. So, cold shoulder for him this week. He needs to get back into "pursuit mode". He knows he has my heart, so that tends to make him a little complacent. Take note ladies: You don't chase them, THEY CHASE YOU. Any other way, and you are in for heartache. So, it'll be different this time, for both of our benefits. I'll keep you posted...

It's time for me to have Time for ME!

Today's topic is familiar to all mothers out there, though I have a special kinship with other solo mommies like myself. I look terrible, and I've been looking terrible for a few weeks now. I will pull my hair back into a ponytail or ball or a claw-type hair clip, and maybe I'll actually comb it through every few days. Wow, when I write it, it really sounds bad! I actually hit my low on Friday when I wore sweats to work!! I felt like such a failure! Now, it's a very casual work environment so for some that is not out of the ordinary attire. But for me, I may as well have been wearing houseshoes! My only saving grace is that I do keep my face looking halfway decent everyday. It helps being naturally cute so really all I need is eyeliner, light foundation and something on my lips. It is truly a blessing, and I am grateful for it. (okay that was slightly vain. Old habits die hard?!)

One of my girlfriends used to go every week without fail to get her hair done. Every week. Without fail. Nope, it's not what you think. She is a single mom too. We were both sans employment at the time. However, in her case she made the decision that $20 a week was worth it. I didn't necessarily have that option. No full-time job and four children means NOTHING FOR MOMMY. But now that I have the money, the motivation isn't there. After working all day and all evening, then half the night too I barely scrape out five minutes for a shower. As for her now that she's working? She also goes to school at night, so she has been to her beautician one time in several months.

This 'no time for me' thing explains my weight gain as well. Yes, my TotalGym XL is still set up in my room. No, I haven't start using it again yet. Okay, okay! I'm gonna start tomorrow! For real! Pinkie promise?

I want to be better though. I want to feel better, look better and be better. I don't feel as pretty or sexy or attractive as I usually do because of the excess weight. So that has affected everything else. So, October 22 starts a new lunar cycle, which is supposed to be a good time to start anything or make changes to yourself. Sound crazy, does it? Go to any ER or OB doctor or police officer and ask them are full moon days different from any others! Then it won't sound so 'psychic hotline' anymore!

I start my spiritual fast tomorrow, which I am excited about. I will relax my hair and clip my ends tomorrow. I will also begin my daily exercise tomorrow. Yeah, the TotalGym and I are about to become intimately acquainted again! I can't wait to post my before and after pictures on November 9 (my birthday)! I still have to figure out the hair thing though. Do-it-myself, microbraids, or beautician weekly? I'll keep you posted!

Today was another fat day, by the way.

My Dream Car

Today was a fat day. Okay now that that's out in the open, we can move on to the topic at hand.


My name is Kima-Shai, and I drive a minivan. (Hi, Kima-Shai!) I didn't start out this way, it just kind of happened. My first car was a 1984 Red Ford Escort. Four-door, nothing fancy, but she was spoiled rotten! I got an oil change and a tune up EVERY three months! After a few years she began to cost more to fix than was monetarily logical, so I traded up. I got a 1991 royal blue Ford Escort Pony. Two-door coupe, I put a pop-up sunroof in it, and tinted the windows . OMG, you couldn't tell me nu-thing! I knew I was ALL THAT! Did I mention they were both stick shifts? Heck yeah! I'm still having stick withdrawal, and it's been since 2002!

So by 1999, my car was on her last tread of her last wheel, so I had to trade up again. I bought my first new car. A hunter green exterior/tan interior, classy and, yes it was a stick shift, Hyundai Elantra, year 1999. You know how you have to wait a few weeks for your plates to come in? Well, after a few weeks, mine came in and I put them on. Two days later, on my way to work after dropping the kids off at daycare, I totalled it! I don't mean repair-would-have-cost-as-much-as-a-new-one totalled. I mean spiralled-across-four-lanes-of-freeway-traffic-and-getting-hit-three-times totalled! God, my Hero, saved me that day too. I got another Elantra, this time is was burgundy with gray interior. Of course I tinted the windows!

By this time I have two children and in 2002 was expecting number 3. The Elantra was no longer big enough. I began to look at SUVs. No, I was definitely NOT getting a minivan! Women like me didn't drive minivans. So I got a Ford Explorer. Rugged, man this was great. I felt like I could run over all those puny cars on the road! All I needed was CB radio and "Keep on Truckin" sticker!! I was ready to off-road at a moments notice. I didn't. But I could have!

Fast forward to baby number four on the way. FINE!! I'll get a minivan! Yes there was some pouting at the dealership, but I won't say who! No SUVs with the third row seat were in my price range at that time, so I was really cornered into the minivan option. YOu know who annoys me? People with one child that get a minivan. How big is your kid exactly that all of a sudden you need a seven-passenger vehicle?! If I only had one kid, I'd still be in a nice little 2-door coupe with a limousine tint on the windows! Something like this Pontiac G5 with a 5-speed and a moonroof. I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!

Back to reality. I found a Pontiac Montana. Yes, it IS driving excitment. It was like they were thinking of me when they designed it. "What would Shai want?" Well, apparently they listened. I LOVED it! It totally sold me on the minivan set. Now I drive a Dodge Grand Caravan. She's good people, my van is. Gets us a lot of places with a lot of things. Four children, a double stroller, portable picnic table, grocery shopping and a trip to Wal-Mart? Minivans Rule!!

After this van, probably early next year I'll get another Montana. Then, after about 3 years, I'll be ready for

MY DREAM VEHICLE

.

Yeah baby, in 2008 I'm bringin' it on!!!!

God's Little Girl is Growing Up

I am 32 years old, soon to be 33. I have gone through quite a bit in my life, good and bad. A lot of it was during my "roaring 20s". More of that will be discussed in due time. Most, if not all, of it helped me to be the person I am today. Therefore, as hard as some of it was to go through, I wouldn't change a thing. I think about myself a lot. No -for those of you that know me- not in the narcissistic way you have grown to love. But more of a Purpose-Driven Life kind of way. Here's what I've figured out so far:

1) It's all about God. Not the parties or the clubs, or that guy that is SO FINE you don't care if he's got a woman. It's ALL about God.

2) You get one go around at life, there are no "do-overs". Stop living on the "what ifs" and "if onlys". Stop believing your own crap! You know the line: "When I blah-blah-blah, then I'll be able to/then I can blah-blah-blah." Let me perfectly clear here. There is no past nor future, THERE IS ONLY NOW!

Any questions?

Working at Home Rules!

Yeah, that was probably misleading since I do work outside the home Full Time. I'm telling you the truth, if this opportunity had come up just 2 months earlier. I would be doing it FT no doubt. Last night was great though. I was glad to get back into the swing of things. You know how you can make yourself dread something, then when it happens you're like "this isn't so bad." That's exactly why I hadn't worked in over 2 months!! Slacker Mom, totally!

Anyway, it was soooo quiet. I got like 2 calls. FOR TWO HOURS! 2......1--2....calls! The second call startled me, which surely means I had fallen asleep at my desk. The groovy thing is that you get a guaranteed 45min, even if no calls come in. So, yay me!

I scheduled myself 10P-2A tonight also, then I'll go back to 10P-midnight since I go back to the FT job Wednesday. What? You thought I was working til 2am then getting up and going to do another 8 hours? Uh, negative. Though I am pulling about 20 hours this week. I will work at least 15-20 hours each week, until I get caught up and start living by my budget. When things are behind, it's HARD to follow a budget. So this job helps me play "catchup". Then, when I'm caught up, I can get ahead. Savings account AND higher credit score? Ooh, I'm thinking mortgage!!!

Once I get my desk set up again (from moving 3months ago!), I'll post a picture of it. Right now with the Taco Bell on one side of the computer and the empty ice cream dish on the other...not a pleasant sight! Not quite the business look I was hoping for! :)

Once again: Working at Home Rules!!!!!

Saturday and Sunday = Family Time

Saturday, we got up and out earlier than we have in months. Alyssa and I had eye exams at 915a. I am so happy she'll be getting new glasses and so will I! Her little brother -aka the Bruzer- broke the last 2 pair. I keep mine at work but don't use them because I know I'm overdue for an eye exam. I can't wait til my glasses come in next week! They're a funky little pair with a smaller rectangular frame. I promise I'll post a pic when I get them. I will also go to this cool place called the Eyewear Outlet to get an additional pair for myself and Alyssa. They're only $29.95 pair -lenses and frames.

The rest of the day was spent at my oldest sister's house, which gave us some time to catch up. She was giving my oldest son an IQ test for her class. It was a two day process that was just finished Sunday. We got home aboout 830P. I was supposed to do my WAH gig, but couldn't get logged in so I went to bed.

Sunday was the usual. Church then Grandmother's for dinner. Chicken with dressing, greens, cornbread, and banana pudding! The largest portion of anything I ate by far was the greens. Aren't you proud of me? Okay, well I am! We stayed and watched A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore. Such a cute little romance!

My sister came over and finished the test, then we chatted for a while. They left about 9P. I was scheduled to start work at 1030P. I finally got help for how to log into the system to take calls 10 minutes ago. So...gotta go!! My money calls!!!

My Friday the 13th

I'm always in a good mood on Friday the 13th. Why? Because I grew up to my mom saying this so I started thinking that way too. What? "My luck is usually bad all the time, so Friday the 13th is usually the opposite of what it does for everybody else!" This year was no different.

Friday night after I left work and picked up the kids at my sister's house, we went to a co-worker's church for a workshop on intercessory prayer. The people were very nice and the workshop was very informative. I definitely plan to take that knowledge to help me with my prayer life -which is in need of enhancement.

It was after the workshop that was a little, well 'different'. A part of me wants to say 'creepy', but that's the world talking. There was a lady who had an obvious hunger for the word of God. She gave her testimony (cliff note version of her life) and how comfortable and different she has felt since she began attending the church a few weeks ago. She was very interested in speaking in tongues, which was something the intercessors talked about frequently in their workshop. Speaking in tongues is when one prays in another language that is not their native tongue. They have relinquished their body and mind to the full power of the Holy Spirit within them, so it isn't even a language they understand. The Holy Spirit is God within us, so the prayer will be perfect -as God is- and not marred by the thoughts of the flesh (which are our natural inclination).

Okay so back to the story. The pastor began to talk to her and then laid hands on her. She began to moan and wail, and fell to the floor and began to writhe and wail as if in pain. He began to coach her as would a labor coach for the birthing of a child. She began to praise God continuously with the single word "Hallelujah!" over and over, until it became a stutter. Then slowly she began to recover, and the intercessors helped her to her feet and back to her chair. He then explained to her that what she was going through was sort of a birthing process. Now, what was weird to me (yes, besides that) was while she was "in labor" on the floor, the rest of the people in there were speaking in tongues. There were about 15 people in total. I truly didn't know what to think or do. So I sat very still and just kind of watched, trying not to look terrified that he was going to start with me next! Whew, he didn't!! Honestly I wasn't comfortable, and I needed time to process what I had seen. Firstly, I have never witnessed a person speak in tongues before, so to see a small room full of people do it was overwhelming. Second, the whole "labor and delivery" took me aback....waayy back! What was great was that they were a very welcoming and hospitable group of people. They invited me back, as you are supposed to do when a guest visits your church. But there was no "Come. Join us" (with my best zombie voice) kind of vibe at all. That's what quelled my spirit when my flesh was saying "cult". I am glad I was invited and more than glad that I went. I can't wait to read my notes. That's another thing I enjoyed, as with any spiritual teaching. I don't want to hear someone's opinion, I want you to back up what you say with scripture I can see for myself. Almost every major point from each intercessor was based in scripture. When you are seeking a church home, or the seeking the Word of God from an unknown (to you) source, make sure it's being backed up with chapter and verse from the Bible!

I do plan to go back and visit at least once more. That would be during a regular Sunday worship service. My church is so reserved when it comes to worship, that it would be nice to see some people who can really "Get their Praise On!"

We must Rebuild!

My credit, that is. Yeah, it's waaaaay down there. I'm not ashamed to admit it. It is probably something that we should be talking about anyway, but don't. I hope to start teaching my kids alot about money. Savings, credit, buying vs. renting, credit cards and student loans, the whole bit. All the things I never learned growing up...'til now I mean.

So today I got a micro-mini loan that will get reported to the credit bureau. I didn't get it for the money, so I only got $100. But it's a five month loan, so I'll pay it for three months, then on the fourth month I'll pay it off and open a larger one. It's a little more in interest than a bank would charge, but I have to start at the bottom. I filed bankruptcy a few years back, but I still wasn't in a financial position to be any better off after the bankruptcy. I hope to have gained at least a 100 points by this time next year. I am VERY excited about this big step! I'm now taking charge of my financial future. My independent financial future.

I already have an appointment to get another loan next week for a little larger amount. I know, I know. Rome wasn't built in a day...but it did take more than one person! Yeah, I really do need that much help! Who knows, by the spring I may be able to get a gas card!

I go to work to relax!

I love my job! No, seriously. Since I have to work outside the home (for now, God-willing), I decided I'm gonna like what I do. After a five-year hiatus from it, I am now back in corporate travel. And I love it! I love all the different people and personalities I talk to each day. I love the service that I provide. And quite frankly, I'm really good at it. (Did anyone else just hear a horn?) I am one of those rare people who love to talk on the phone. All day. AND all night. Like, when I take my headset off at the FT job, I get in the car and put on my cellphone headset. I go home and talk on the cordless, then later after the kids are in bed put on headset #3 to do my WAH gig. You will usually find those that can stand to be on the phone 'cause they HAVE TO, seeing as it's their JOB and all. But they are rarely on the phone outside of work. Not the weirdo phone addict! And yes, I have driven back home for my cell phone --- more than once! I don't have a private line at my desk since I work in call center and you know the daycare could call with an emergency or something, so I HAVE TO keep my cell with me!

Did you buy that? I tried!

So back to work. I enjoy the people around me, though we all have our little idiosyncrasies. What I love love love to watch is when the people freak out when they get a difficult person on the phone! I am not sadistic enough to be reveling on their pain (come on, I'm not that bad). It just amuses me the fact that they let a faceless voice send them to the point of tears. Real tears!! Dude!! Tears!! Red eyes and runny noses, the whole bit!! I have had people drop the 'N-word' on me on the phone before without tears! I just mute 'em and laugh a minute at their 'hoosier-like' tendencies, then I let my manger lay into the guy. And my manager wasn't even "naturally tanned" like me! Then, my dear co-workers go and smoke and talk about how stressed out they are, just doing the regular everyday stuff our job requires. No, we are not overloaded. Yes, we are paid pretty well. No, the vast majority of our clients are not mean. It's them. Or actually, I am starting to think it may be me.

Why don't I get all flustered and frustrated over the phone if I get the traveler from Hades?

1) Because I know not to take it personal.
2) I know that there is usually something else going on in their life than the
travel we're discussing.
3) Remember the Empath? That helps greatly in a customer service field.
So I tell them my usual line: "I am a single mother of 4 children under 9 years old, running an entire household by myself. That's where my stress is. I come here to relax." I don't think they get it.

What I am now working on, is having that same attitude to get me through the rest of the day! It is by God's grace, mercy and love I do all that I do without being insane. Slightly off...but not insane!!! I try to thank Him everyday. I hope you will do the same.

5 years and 1month

So, last month it seems all the bloggers did the September 11th tribute. Well, I'm late (story of my life) but I still have something to say.

I sat here just now as I changed my desktop image to this:

and thought how eerily (even to myself) obsessed I am with 9/11. I have more History channel documentaries than should be legally allowed. I mean we're talking 4 hour documentaries, albeit with commercials. (Does that help make me look less insane?) It's not like this is the first major tragedy that I've lived in. I am 32 years old and live in the Midwest. I remember the Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion. I was in 7th grade Social Studies class. I remember the Columbia Space Shuttle Explosion. I was definitely older by then and so I had a lot more compassion for humanity, than that of a 12year old who thinks life goes on forever. Okay, larger scale: I remember the Oklahoma City Bombing. I remember watching the planned implosion of the rest of the building. I was sad then, especially knowing there was a daycare in there, and kids actually died. So what is it about this that's different for me?

I remember being at work at the phone company when our manager came in and said a small plane hit one of the WTC buildings. I thought, "Oh that poor pilot." Then later he came back and said both the WTC towers had fallen. We worked across the street from a federal court building, and I watched those people being evacuated and the street entrances barricaded. Though we were directly across the street, I knew our job wasn't letting us out of their sights. They were and - from talking to employees that are still there, still are - constantly in fear that something could be more important to us than working for 'Ma Bell'! Back to the point, I wouldn't get to see anything until that night at home. I had gotten rid of hubby #2 early that year, so after I put my kids to bed (only two back then) I turned on the news and watch by myself. My God!!

I was able too see all the video footage from earlier, including the buildings going down. But it was still so surreal. Was there anyone else that it took a while to get the sheer magnitude of what happened by looking at the video footage of the plane going into the building? With the building being SO TALL, the plane looked like a toy. Then...it...began...to...sink...in....

Oh...my....God!!! There were people in there!!!! Hundreds of people in there! Husbands! Wives! Regular everyday people whose only crime was that THEY WENT TO WORK!!!!! Out came the Empath! Yeah, I'm sooo emotional! I don't do well at funerals, so I try not to go unless I have to. I can't just go to a "casual funeral" because it takes so much out of me. Why? I focus on those most directly affected by the death and put myself in their shoes. To put a lighthearted spin on it, I am most definitely Deanna Troy. (Star Trek fans will get that one)

Okay, so fast forward a month or so. Time has begun to heal the hurt and the absolute mortality that I have been feeling. Then comes the end of the year review. Images I hadn't seen in 3months flooded that screen, and the emotional torrent began. As I saw the plane crash into the building, I though about the terror of those who looked out the window as their certain demise was speeding straight at them. What do you do? Do you run? Do you scream? God, what do you do? As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about the people on the stairs that were trying to find their way out, how they must have been thinking of their families in those last dark moments. As I saw that building crumbling, I saw Death in its most ravenous form. As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about all those who rushed into the building to help others to safety but will never come out. When I saw the field in Pennsylvania, I thought about the phone calls and the missed calls and the unimaginable yet unfounded guilt loved ones must be feeling. Can you imagine getting that voicemail? What do you do? Do you try to call back? How long do you try to call back? God, what do you do?

I have watched a LOT of television in regards to 9/11. I do not plan to stop. I have learned about the terrorists. I have learned about the fifth plane (just learned that this year). I watched the made-for-TV movie about United 93. Yes, I cried ridiculously. The human aspect of the story sent the Empath into overdrive. I have YET to watch the one that was released in theatres United 93. Since I don't really have a life, I haven't seen WTC either. But I will. I have to.

So how do I describe my obsession? While it is not a daily, weekly, or even a monthly "thing", I just cannot allow myself to forget.

The One

I've known him since I was 15 or 16 years old. He liked me and I liked him, but I had a boyfriend and his cousin (also my cousin) told him so.

Fast forward 8 years to our first time together...and the conception of our daughter during an El Nino blackout at my hotel in San Diego. What else were we supposed to do? One marriage under the belt for both of us. We tried "us" for awhile, but it just wasn't working out.

Fast forward a few more years to the demise of my second marriage, and the failing of his. We tried again, but still not quite working right. Too much other "stuff" in our lives in the way.

Which brings us to present day. Have you ever had someone non-family that, no matter what heartache or heartbreak is going on in your life, you know-that-you-know-that-you-know there is this someone who loves you all the way? That is what he is for me. What's really cool is that I am that for him too. He would always say, "Don't noboby love me like you do besides my momma." (He is a momma's boy -in a good way- which is okay with me) One thing to keep in mind about us, there are no fights or arguments when we part ways, we just know it's time to go. We've both gotten too old for this. So, after about 16years of back and forth, I keep my prayer alive that the "Third times the charm". We're not official at this point, and he knows of my vow of abstinence this time, so we have the potential to be off to better "start" than ever before.

And the saga continues...

The Diet Pill and Me

So I was feeling rather huge about a month ago, while on my lunch break at work. I decided to stop at a nutrition supplement store to check on their popular diet pill combo. I talked to the clerk, who was very knowledgeable and polite. I read the comparison charts and all the ingredients, including which ingredient does what. Then, I made an impulse buy. Yep, I did it! I paid $80(plus tax of course) for 2 bottles of weight loss aids.

The results? Well you did see my previous post right? If not, here's a refresher. So what happened, you ask? Probably like all those other diet pills that are just a scam, right? To be fair to the manufacturers, I can't say that. The one pill was an appetite suppressant, Hoodia Gordonii. I can say with 100% truth that I wasn't hungry. That did not stop me from eating. I found out that I eat through boredom or complacency. I sit at a desk all day at work, so you know what that means. Eating for the sake of chewing and swallowing! Heaven forbid there may be a food day that day! Seriously, like cakes and donuts and breads and...did I mention cake and donuts? Not just any donuts! Krispy Kreme!!! If I don't eat them I'm fine. Before this binge, it had been a few months. I swear! But food day, I had half a dozen over the course of my work day! So, I'm grounded again. Self-punishment is not always a bad thing!

So, if I hadn't eaten JUNK all those times I wasn't really hungry, I'd probably be down at least 10 pounds by now. So I would say that the diet pills could be effective, just not for a nervous or bored eater like me. So this $80 experiment has proven to me that diet and exercise is the ONLY way for me!

South Beach and TotalGym XL Rule (at least---they will when I start!!!)

Unfit and fed up

Heck of a title, I know. It did get your attention though, didn't it?

I got on the scale the other morning and well...Wow! I am officially two pounds lighter than I was when I gave birth 5weeks early to my fourth child!!!!! I am 5feet 8 inches tall. I could wear a size 16 comfortably, though I am currently stuffing myself in all my 14's because I REFUSE to buy a bigger size! My ideal size is a 10, perhaps even an 8. That might be too thin on me though. We'll see.

This is my official notification that by my birthday November 9, I will be 20-25 pounds slimmer!!!

I will exercise 6 days a week. Sunday will be my day off. Due to my family requirements and my work schedule, I can't join a gym right now. However, I do have a TotalGym XL setup in my bedroom this exact moment--that hasn't been used in about 3 weeks!

I will keep a daily log of all foods that I eat. The spreadsheet that I have created will keep me accountable to myself for all calories consumed.

What do I hope to gain from this, you ask? Okay maybe you didn't, but I'll spill anyway. I want my confidence back. I used to be one the most self-confident (okay, vain) people that I knew. I looked in the mirror at work the other day and barely recognized the reflection. I want to stop taking blood pressure pills everyday. I want to prevent becoming diabetic. I want to greatly reduce the chance of following in my mother's footsteps and having a heart attack. I am on a solid path to all the aforementioned ailments as I am right now. I want to be healthy and energetic. I want to set a great example for my children.

Wish me luck!!!

"I don't have a daddy"

My first son, Dominique, was conceived by me and my first husband. I waited until marriage to get pregnant and have children, only to have him leave me three months into a high-risk pregnancy for another woman. My oldest daughter, Alyssa, was conceived by me and the love of my life - who to this day is known by my best friend as "Can't Get Right." The man knows he has my heart forever (and I have his), no matter what I do with anyone else. I still have my fingers crossed for "someday...", but that's another story. My two youngest, herein after referred in plural as the "Wondertwins" (aka Kyla and Chandler), have the same father. No, they are not twins. They are actually 16 months apart, though the baby boy is bigger than his older sister (and has been most of their lives)!

For Dominique, there was a divorce decree and child support and visitation done fromthe very beginning. But, as time has gone by, his dad sees him when its convenient for him. Sometimes this may be every couple weeks. But for the most part as of late, this means every few months. Did I mention we have lived less than 10 minutes apart for the last year, at least? Location excuse: negative. He works for a car manufacturer, so he drives a new car every 2 years or so. Poor transporation excuse: negative. Just plain lousy and incredibly selfish: ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!! But there is contact there.

For Alyssa, she was usually the one all felt sorry for because her dad was so caught up in his own life's mess - that he created - he really couldn't be a father to her at all. He is just now slowly trying to change that. S-L-O-W-L-Y. There is still a long way to go on that one.

For the Wondertwins, their story is more complex. Their father is a lying, cheating, stealing, untrustworthy sort of character. I wouldn't trust him to watch my dog (if I had one), let alone two of my children. Yes, they are biologically his children, but he is not anything else. After a very tumultuous 2+ year relationship, I finally kicked him to the curb. But not before hundreds of dollars in bounced check fees ("borrowing" my debit card from my purse), a $600 calling card bill on my home telephone and a car reposession. So when he left, I was sure he'd stay gone. Why was I sure? He was too wrapped up in himself, anyone like that can't be a good parent. Unlike the other two fathers, however, I did not feel my children would be safe in his care. Not like "have-them-in-the-middle-of-a-drug-deal" unsafe, more like "leave-them-with-so-n-so-and-they-get-molested" unsafe. There were some very unsavory characters in his life that he trusted for one reason or another. I got a bad -actually terrifying- feeling one day about their safety. That's all it took.

I will tell all who will listen that my job as a mother is to protect my children to the best of my ability, even if it means from their father. As long as there's a valid reason behind it, EVERY mother should be that way.

So after the recent breakup of me and my ex-fiance, who Kyla on her own adopted as 'Daddy", things have been a little difficult for her. She forgot about her biological father and remembered my ex only. So when I explained to her that he wouldn't be 'Daddy' anymore, she started to regress. I now deal with bed-wetting at home and at daycare a few times a week. And the other day, she told her cousins at my sister's house 'I don't have a Daddy'. My sister was heartbroken and explained to her in my absence that everyone has a daddy. So, when we got home I talked to her about what her father's name is and was even able to show her a picture of him holding her when she was a baby. That helped, and it's a start. But honestly, it kind of makes me feel like a failure. I know I am protecting her in one way, but that same protection is hurting her in another. I pray that one day she understands. I also pray that one day she'll have a super stepdad that will show her that fatherly love that every little girl needs. Something I never had.

You know the dream where...

At 530a every morning, my alarm clock goes off. Most mornings I get up and stay up. On the weekends I get the bonus of turning it off and getting back into bed. That's always been my own little way of enjoying days off. Well this morning, I had a little wake up help. My oldest daughter, Alyssa, began talking to me almost the same time the alarm went off. First, a little background on my sleeping style. I guess in some ways I am like most moms, or so I assume. I have missed some of the most fantastic thunder storms because I was sleeping. I could probably sleep through construction...on my own home! I can even sleep through - from back in my married/co-habitating days - that gentle nudge in the middle of the night! Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!!!

There is however a small list of things I cannot sleep through. One would be my telephones (cell and home). I'm in customer service and attached to a headset during the day and my work-at-home job in the evening, what do you expect? The other and most important would be my children's voices, even the lightest whisper. It never ceases to amaze me how absolutely awesome God designed the human brain!!!

So, Alyssa comes in there, talking in her regular voice. "Mommy, um, I was having this dream where I thought I had to go to the bathroom but then I didn't but then I really did and so I had an accident for real." (yes, it was a run-on, just like that)

Well, I did say my alarm goes off at 530a, and I am a nightowl by nature. So, that doesn't necessarily mean I was awake per se, at the time. My reply? "Okay, go take a shower and then you can get a comforter and lay on the floor. It's too early for you to be awake." For the record, I did get up and go assess the damage, since my youngest daughter shares the bed with her. She was safely tucked in a ball at the other end of the bed, so I left her alone.

Now usually, I am a fusser. I will fuss and yell and be mad, and I'm so sure that's what my daughter expected. But, I am praying to God daily to help me get through and deal with my children in a more calm, loving tone. Well, someone's prayers were answered, and I was actually rather pleased with myself for my handling of the situation. One thing you should know is that Alyssa is almost 8 years old. The last time she peed in the bed was probably during the potty training phases. So, a) totally rare occurrence and b) who hasn't had that dream?

I remember that dream from my childhood, and ending up with wet underwear. I also remember that dream as an adult -a sober adult- and ending up with wet underwear! Once, it was so vivid, my senses were totally involved. I felt my underwear rubbing against my legs as I pulled them down. I felt the coolness of the seat as I sat down. I heard the sound of "number 1" hitting the water. I also remember feeling the warm then cool sensation of wetness too, which caused me to wake up and go into my momma's room in the wee hours of the morning.

A rather graphic reminder that : Anything the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve!

Let's all work today to put our our divinely-crafted brains to work for the good of the world and the work of the Lord!