Yes!! It is 2010!! I made it and I made it smiling! For a while there I didn't think I would. Yes, sure I would have loved to been one of the people who kissed in the new year with that special someone. But hey, that is not for me right now, and I am so okay with that. That doesn't mean that I have to act like a nun and vow solitude, cause I am not! As a matter of fact, I am definitely taking advantage of eharmony's "Free Communication Weekend" until Sunday! Yes, I have been communicating with a few people too! Leave no stone unturned! ;-)
I am absolutely chomping at the bit to get started on all the things I am going to do this year! I know, I know. We all do this at the beginning of the year, and by February it's back to the same old same old. I am certainly guilty! And guess what? That's just it!! To paraphrase a popular saying: I've kept doing the same things, so I keep getting the same thing...nothing! Or, to be more specific: stress, worry, unrest, illness, heartache, financial straits. So, you know, I don't wanna get that anymore, which means it's time to apply the wisdom that these past lessons have taught me! Even more important than that, is I have to finally stand and believe and act on the promises God has given me!!! Once I truly accept that He wants me to have these things - these desires of my heart (that He put there) - then I will follow the necessary path to get them.
I really am one of those that wants wealth and prosperity to be a blessing to others. Not just so I can go out and buy all designer clothes for me and the kids and then buy them anything and everything they want. Yes, I would like to get more for them than I do. I mean hey, you know that when it comes to needs I hit the second-hand stores before I try to even bargain-shop at the "new" stores! So that would be something I wouldn't mind changing, more new instead of second-hand clothing for the children. But, the bigger picture is I would like to be more of a giver to charitable causes. I would LOVE to be a faithful and generous contributor to St. Jude Hospital! I just love what they do, what they stand for, and that NO CHILD IS TURNED AWAY (even if they don't have ability to pay). I feel a big tug on my heartstrings in that area, because I feel so blessed with the healthy children that I have. I would love to also be a more generous tither and giver at my church and in my community. I would love to have the funds to sponsor a youth league sports team annually too. SO many things, so little money.
But I am believing God that this too shall pass. I have been working on my foundation for a few years now. Watering my bamboo seed faithfully everyday. I believe God's Word that it is about time for that tree to shoot out of the ground and grow to 60 feet this year!! And my prayer is the same for any who read these words! Amen!!
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December 31, 2009
December 29, 2009
December 27, 2009
Something that gives me great comfort:
One of the differences between Dante and me is that I would never bail on/sell out my friends for a piece of ass. Guess that's another part of the "fiercely loyal" part of my zodiac sign I take seriously (that he apparently does not). It's all good though! Can't worry about his path anymore, I've got my own. And we all know they are obviously NOT going in the same direction.
One of the differences between Dante and me is that I would never bail on/sell out my friends for a piece of ass. Guess that's another part of the "fiercely loyal" part of my zodiac sign I take seriously (that he apparently does not). It's all good though! Can't worry about his path anymore, I've got my own. And we all know they are obviously NOT going in the same direction.
December 26, 2009
I CANNOT Start the New Year Out Like This...
With the choices I have in men at this moment, I would definitely be better off by my damn self! Perhaps I should go ahead and pay the fees and see what some of these matches on eharmony or match.com may have for me! Surely it has to be better than what I have now!!
Wayne had one simple task, see his daughter on Christmas so she could give him his present. Well, it's the day after Christmas and I haven't talked to him since the eve of Christmas Eve! Won't respond to a phone call or even the generic Merry Christmas text I sent. When do I expect to hear from him? Probably Monday when he is back on the mail route, with some dramatic ass excuse as to why he's been MIA the last few days. Been in the hospital, was sick, got majorly depressed...the usual suspects no doubt.
Dante has his little woman in town for Christmas, so he had to sneak over to see me on Christmas Eve. Yes, you heard me right. SNEAK! To see ME! 'Cause SHE is in town! W-T-F??? He's so busy trying to make nice with her for whatever reason unbeknownst to me that she doesn't even know he and I are still friends. I'm sure he feels it's better that way, because if she's smart (or just not totally stupid) she would be suspicious that perhaps we are more than friends (which we currently are). So instead, he's left his "friend" ( a term I am using with the utmost sarcasm) high and dry while this chick is in town. I sent him a generic Merry Christmas text also. Do you think he responded? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to believe he didn't have his phone with him all day?? Yeah right! More like she saw the text from me and he had to play like he had no idea why I would send it, and definitely WOULD NOT text me back (especially with her watching/snooping)! What upsets me most is that supposedly we both wanted to preserve our friendship even if the relationship faltered. I am apparently the only FOOL that's still honoring that request! Because if you can't even respect me as a friend enough to stand up to your long-distance girlfriend for, then we have N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! We are supposed to be friends, yet he's got me feeling so like the "other woman" right now, that when I was the other woman in past relationships, I didn't even feel this way!! I wasn't banned or blocked from texting or calling...and these were people that were actually MARRIED!!! When do I expect to hear from him? When he is on the road driving to Memphis tomorrow, since he'll be in the car by himself (assumably).
It's time for me to do some serious revisions in my life, because I'm tired of giving 100% to people and getting 30% back. I am worth more, and you can best believe I deserve more. But if I don't demand it and accept nothing less, then I'll never get it. Perhaps this is that pruning season that everyone is always talking about. I have to be willing to walk away from people I care about, which is hard. But I care about ME more than I care about them in my life. And right now, I am the only one suffering.
I'm so sick of being let down by men who claim they love me!!
Wayne had one simple task, see his daughter on Christmas so she could give him his present. Well, it's the day after Christmas and I haven't talked to him since the eve of Christmas Eve! Won't respond to a phone call or even the generic Merry Christmas text I sent. When do I expect to hear from him? Probably Monday when he is back on the mail route, with some dramatic ass excuse as to why he's been MIA the last few days. Been in the hospital, was sick, got majorly depressed...the usual suspects no doubt.
Dante has his little woman in town for Christmas, so he had to sneak over to see me on Christmas Eve. Yes, you heard me right. SNEAK! To see ME! 'Cause SHE is in town! W-T-F??? He's so busy trying to make nice with her for whatever reason unbeknownst to me that she doesn't even know he and I are still friends. I'm sure he feels it's better that way, because if she's smart (or just not totally stupid) she would be suspicious that perhaps we are more than friends (which we currently are). So instead, he's left his "friend" ( a term I am using with the utmost sarcasm) high and dry while this chick is in town. I sent him a generic Merry Christmas text also. Do you think he responded? Am I supposed to be stupid enough to believe he didn't have his phone with him all day?? Yeah right! More like she saw the text from me and he had to play like he had no idea why I would send it, and definitely WOULD NOT text me back (especially with her watching/snooping)! What upsets me most is that supposedly we both wanted to preserve our friendship even if the relationship faltered. I am apparently the only FOOL that's still honoring that request! Because if you can't even respect me as a friend enough to stand up to your long-distance girlfriend for, then we have N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!! We are supposed to be friends, yet he's got me feeling so like the "other woman" right now, that when I was the other woman in past relationships, I didn't even feel this way!! I wasn't banned or blocked from texting or calling...and these were people that were actually MARRIED!!! When do I expect to hear from him? When he is on the road driving to Memphis tomorrow, since he'll be in the car by himself (assumably).
It's time for me to do some serious revisions in my life, because I'm tired of giving 100% to people and getting 30% back. I am worth more, and you can best believe I deserve more. But if I don't demand it and accept nothing less, then I'll never get it. Perhaps this is that pruning season that everyone is always talking about. I have to be willing to walk away from people I care about, which is hard. But I care about ME more than I care about them in my life. And right now, I am the only one suffering.
I'm so sick of being let down by men who claim they love me!!
December 23, 2009
The Eve of Christmas Eve
That it is. I have basically finished what little shopping I am doing this year. I already told the Delightful Children it would be a lean Christmas this year. But I had a great day with my big sis, Leigh today. Dante and I are currently in the Friends with Benefits category currently, mainly because I'm greedy. Sure, he thinks it's him but this is all about me and what I want. We have been having good conversation, mainly as friends because that's all we are. He has a girlfriend, and it's not me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
I've been okay with most of it as of late, but it wasn't an easy road getting here. It was a VERY dark and painful process, and I am not out of the woods yet. BUT, I am 90% better than what I was. Ask anyone close to me. Wayne was scared because of how I was acting and sounding. Dante was scared because of how I was acting and sounding and (gasp) even crying. The BFF was concerned. My mom was concerned. My sis was concerned. Yeah. It was that bad! But I tell you what, men just don't understand when you put your ALL into a person and then watch it crumble right before you. They don't understand what that does to a woman. I was broken ALL THE WAY DOWN. I thought this was IT, despite the roadblocks that lay ahead of us...This Was IT!
I. WAS. WRONG.
I made myself snap out of it by reminding myself that it was his FLAWED thinking that made him choose Gwen (hereafter known only as SHE/HER) over me. If he can't see that - in spite of a few fixable things - I am the best woman for him, then that's HIS PROBLEM NOT MINE. It will ultimately be his loss. I mean, I know this FWB thing can't go on forever. Honestly, it really needs to stop now. I mean, he came over yesterday and spent some time with us. We watched a movie and he barbecued shrimp while I made noodles to go with it. We had an enjoyable day.
I thought I was okay with everything. I knew she was coming in town for Christmas and I thought I was okay with it. Until today. I talked to him this morning for awhile and then he called me this evening just to chat. I asked when she was expected in, I guess thinking it would be tomorrow. It caught me off guard when he said probably in about an hour. I put up a brave front on the phone for the next little bit that we talked. After I got off the phone however, I did my best to blink away every tear that tried to fall. I succeeded. But I was feeling pretty crummy for a bit. So let me get this out for the record:
It f-ing SUCKS! He is sending such mixed signals right now! It's like on the one hand you're saying and showing how much you care for me, BUT then what are you telling her??? The same thing perhaps??? I don't wanna think that, but his actions leave me no choice! He told me that he doesn't bring anyone to meet his family unless that person is important, that's what his mama taught him. Well then, I guess she's important huh?? Much more important than me apparently!! I hate that I feel this way. He's the one that screwed me over and broke my heart, yet I'm the one single and sleeping alone every fucking night while he still has someone to call his girlfriend to take home to meet the family. How am I supposed to be happy with this!
Maybe the best thing would be for me to just walk away for awhile. I know that he's kinda hoping I'll be waiting around after he finishes with her, and that I will be gainfully employed with my tubes untied by then I guess. But, a big part of me is hoping the opposite. I like him and I love him, and I'm still in love with him. But I love me too, more than I love him. I want to be happy and in a relationship just like he does. I'm for damn sure NOT gonna wait around on him to figure out what's best for him. If he comes to his senses and comes back AND I'm still available, then we'll see what happens. No guarantees though. This shit hurts. Nobody likes feeling like second best.
On a positive note, Wayne just called, so hopefully he'll be smart enough (if he does really want me like he claims he does) to get over here and pick up where Dante left off while he's up in Mayberry with his 2nd string chick. All options are open at this point. I've even made myself available again for online dating as well.
What God has for me, it is for me.
December 11, 2009
Where are the men who truly APPRECIATE REAL LOVE from a GOOD WOMAN?!? I am still waiting for that! Men want to be treated like kings and for you to show them that you're committed to them with actions, WITHOUT doing the same for you?!? WTH??? I distinctly remember love being a TWO-way street! So that means if you want to be treated like a king, you must trust your woman like a QUEEN!
What's kinda sad is that Dante got a little upset the other day when I told I was not going to be his Punkin ever again. Umm, really? You choose another (LESSER) woman over me ( who you CLAIM to love like no other), have told her she's welcome to come for Christmas and New Year's ( can we say famiy time), and you still want ME to be your emotional/sexual fix (read as:chick on the side or having your cake and eating it too) like everything is OK?!?!? Its NOT ok!!! I'm better than that, you KNOW I'm better than that, AND I deserve better than that!
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