Still Moving Forward

I am keeping the momentum moving forward! I actually registered for school yesterday! Yes, a real university! I registered at Lindenwood University, under their LCIE program. That's the program for adults, meaning classes are in the evening one night a week, and are definitely accelerated. I would end up taking 9 hours per quarter, not semester. That helps you finish much faster, though it may still take me up to 2 years. Then after that, I can start my MBA at the same place! Their main campus is about 40 minutes to an hour away, but they took over an old high school campus who built a new facility. Now they are about 10 minutes away. I was trying to avoid night classes for the babysitting issue, but the family made/makes provisions for everyone else so I would assume they'll do it for me too!

I have worked about 25 hours this week, so it's been pretty steady. That makes my family happy to hear, which is humorous to me, but whatever! I have to be at work off and on today, but I would much rather sleep to be honest. But that's not the way the real world works, now is it??

The Week in Review

Been working mainly. This was an up and down week for me. I got over the New Guy getting married thing, and decided without a shadow of a doubt I will not be attending the graduation. Not that I am mad or anything like that, it's just there's no reason for me to be there. I can just see it now. "Oh how do you know [New Guy]?" "We used to date." So why is his ex at his graduation, and he just got married yesterday??

Don't think so! I am NOT the one!

Money's been tight, but that's not new. And you know what? It hasn't been tighter than usual since I was laid off either. SO I count it as a plus that I don't have the stress of that job and the 40hour week! Got my first one-week unemployment check, which was eaten up by my bank account which is in a deficit. Yeah, I like that word! That's what the country calls it, so that's what I will call it too! The reason for the deficit is that I was told my severance check would be sent from Minneapolis at the same time my last paycheck would be deposited, so I had major bills I paid based on that info.

What a surprise! That info was WRONG!! I won't get the severance check until the NEXT PAY CYCLE! Aren't they awesome?? (sarcasm alert)

Personally, things are interesting. Dante and I are still "together". I use that term loosely, only because I am seeing all the limitations that are placed on our relationship. I think perhaps I made that usual woman mistake where I go into the situation with all the info, but I think it will change as time goes on. It hasn't changed. We are still just "kickin' it", no prospect of moving this to another level at this point. Main reason for that currently is because his divorce won't be final until November. But, I wonder sometimes "then what?" We get along very famously together when it's just the two of us, but the elephant in the room of that scenario is that there are 5 of me. I have four children, and I don't know what kind of chemistry they have, because we have never spent time together like that.

And, as he so blatantly reminded me the other night, he wants his own biological children...PERIOD. I think the exact word was "non-negotiable". Considering the situation with his soon-to-be ex-wife and unsuccessfully trying to have children, I kinda think he wouldn't necessarily want to take the chance with me and the reversal surgery. Who's to say, we get together, get married (cause that's the only way I would have it reversed), I get the surgery, then we find out I still won't be able to conceive?? Wow, we'd really be in a pickle then huh?? He and I think so much alike, that I am confident that thought has crossed his mind, more than once! Can't blame him. But I just wonder, how much more time should either one of us put into this, if we know it's not really going anywhere?

Then, as of late, some of my feelings for Starr's father have been rising to the surface. I have done a pretty good job of surpressing them for quite a while. He's with someone, rather serious. I'm with someone. But, that draw is still there. Yes I know, I am insane. I probably should be committed. But, if you've never had it, you can't understand...and I wouldn't be able to explain it to you. Half the time, even I don't know what the heck is wrong with us. We can be respectful, and we will always be good friends, and that's all we would be if the situation called for it. But...

That's a story to always be continued.

Guess Who's Getting Married!?

Nope, it ain't me! Apparently I am good to get real close with...but just not good enough to be willing to take the final plunge these days! lol

Don't mind me, my sarcasm levels are a little high right now.

I chatted with The New Guy the other night. Yes, there are still feelings there. It was so close to being the real deal with him that it has been difficult to truly let go.

Apparently he did not have that same problem.

Approximately a year after we were over (maybe a little more than a year, but a VERY little), he will be married. What sucks even more than dealing with that "closure" was the oh-so-casual way he told me. Instead of coming out and saying it, he starts talking about getting back to wedding details and replacing his best man...as if I already knew!

I will admit I felt a bit heartbroken that night, but I am now - for the most part - over it completely. Though, because he will be getting married on Friday and graduating on Saturday, I will not subject myself to undue pain by attending the graduation. It's just a little much, really.

So then I start wondering again about me and Dante, where we're really going. Am I wasting my time? Is he wasting time with me? So many "ifs"...and most seem to hinge around the child issue. At least in my mind it does. I mean, we've talked about it before, sure. I feel better for a few days, and then the doubt creeps in again. Is he still looking-but-not-looking for someone else? What the heck do I really want, and it is in him? Even though we enjoy each other's company and conversation greatly, is this still a limited-term arrangement? Aren't I too old for limited-term arrangements???

THIS is EXACTLY why I try NOT to think about my personal life right now!!!

2nd Week...Still Going Strong

You're waiting on me to crack aren't you? Waiting on me to break down under the pressures of my Solo-Mommy world and the economy and the gas prices and the food prices, and freak out about not having a job aren't you?

AREN'T YOU???

Well, I hate to tell you this, but it's gonna be a looooooooong wait!

God always provides us the desires of our heart. I am not stressed about working full time, so I am happy. I do not have a sufficient income yet with Arise whereas if I didn't have unemployment, I may be a bit worried. However, I do. That is my "cushion" to help me prepare for life after unemployment, so I don't have to feel like a failure again by running out there to get a job! Little by little, I am making it happen everyday. You'll see!

Just wanted to add, by the way, that Can't Get Right is definitely NOT The One!!! Why do I say this, you ask? Because he sucks big time. He is a lousy father, and my daughter deserves better. He has never treated me with the level of consideration that I deserve or command, and I deserve better too. Yep I figured it out. Are you ready? This is my psycho-analytical breakthrough of the decade (and it didn't cost me an hour or a dime in therapy sessions)! He is the man in my life that most closely resembles my father! Not in looks, but in actions. Actions toward me, actions toward his daughter, or his children as a whole for that matter. He's never rude or mean, actually very charming and quite personable. But when it comes to building real relationships, he remains aloof and careless with others emotions...mainly because he is too wrapped up in himself!

I know, I have said it before. I even meant it when I said it then. But I realize this is a process that can take a while. I am willing to put in the work. 100%

In other news, I selected a new host agency today for my travel business! I have been debating on this for months and months, and then they came with a 3 months fee-free trial offer, including deferring set-up for 3 months! Couldn't beat that! I also kinda think that was God nudging me out of my state of analysis paralysis! You know what I think about all these online travel agencies (aka MLM or scams or card mills, take your pick)?? There's some of them out there that are supposedly making good money getting people to book on their websites and setting up partial-service groups for them. Well then, if they can thrive doing thing half-ass, then surely there is plenty of clients for those like me!

Know what else? I'm going to get those clients too! I am putting the plan and the tools in place as we speak. No distractions. No BS. NO FEAR!!!

What would you do if you knew you absolutely could not fail?

First Full Week!

You'd think I'd be blogging more since I have so much extra time, huh?

This week was fine, it was kinda hectic since I am still on scavenger hours. But next week's schedule is a little more comfortably set, though still quite a few evenings. The following week's schedule is absolutely fabulous! I couldn't have asked for better! I set my own schedules, by the way. But for the week of the 20th was the first time since I've been working this client that I have been there the minute the new shifts were offered! It's a date every week from now on!

I did receive my unemployment papers in the mail yesterday. I will not be making terribly much less than I was making working 40 hours a week! Go me!! I didn't go to the "free food and medical" office like I said I would early this morning, and so I have to wait until Monday morning. Gotta go first thing, because I have to be on the phones at 10a. Otherwise it will be when I am off the phones at 11a.

Speaking of phones, I finally got my second line installed on Wednesday...by Starr's grandfather!! The same person I was trying to get to come and do it in his off time! Whatever, it's done! They are not the most reliable, even I know that! We talked, I gave him a picture of Starr when I first did her hair that I printed out, all was well.

Haven't put exercising into my schedule yet like I want to, but it's coming! It has to, since it is a very vital piece of the reducing my blood pressure goal.

Off to cook dinner before I am back on the phones at 9p. Just think, at this rate, my business may be in the black by the end of the month!

My Independence Day (Very) Extended Weekend -- in Review!

Long title huh?

So Thursday was mainly about just enjoying the day off, then going to "find" money to pay rent. I did it, it's done. I will pay for it later. BUT! Me and my children have a secure roof over our heads...and that's all that matters! And by enjoying the day off, I mean my punkin came to town and we had a kidless house in which to make up for lost time!!

On July 4th, we reluctantly went down to my grandmother's, who had just 2 days before insisted she was doing nothing for the holiday! Mind you, the day of, she calls everybody to find out what time they're coming down! lol Saying no isn't really an option.

The kids bugged me like crazy because they knew we were going to Leigh's house for fireworks, as we do every year. We were able to locate a place that had fireworks for sale, and I bought some. DJ was with his dad, but insisted he would be there for fireworks. Indeed he was too!! I got there to see the last half of I Am Legend, which I hadn't seen since Dante and I saw it at the theatre in Memphis.

There was a grand turnout this year for the festivities! Lots of adults, and even more kids! No injuries whatsoever, some very cool fireworks, and a great time had by all. My sister even said she would watch all the kids overnight, just cause they wanted to stay. It was past midnight when I left though, and I told her I'd be back by 830a. So I sent Dante a text message that said: 3 words - kidless til morning! Unfortunately I didn't see him til morning, but as always it was worth the wait! He was very excited because he was going to a Cards/Cubs game at Busch Stadium that day with his uncle. He is a HUGE Cards/Rams fan...complete with the front license plate thingy to prove it! He hadn't been to a game since 2006, before his (prayerfully last) deployment to Iraq. So I was excited for him!

I got to Leigh's and the kids weren't even up yet, so we talked for a couple of hours. I left there at noon and headed to the Officer's house to watch her bunch while she went to one of the home stores. Yes, that's right...she finally got moved into her place! I am very happy for her!

I got home on Saturday only to discover why my car had been bouncing so badly! My front driver-side tire was missing whole chunks out of it!! Considering I had been on the highway, it was an absolute blessing that I didn't have a blowout on the road!! The bonus is, I got another tire for a decent price installed...AND I found someone to install my brakes! One of the workers there does other mechanic work on the side. So, he lived not too far from my grandmother, so I arranged to go down on Sunday before work to have that done. No more squeaking! Woohoo! I can put my car magnets on now!!

I didn't do so good last night with work because one of the systems I use kept freezing up my whole computer! But I have learned the trick to get past that now! Today was pretty good though! I went to file my unemployment insurance claim this morning, first thing. I scheduled a technician to come out Wednesday to install the jack for my 2nd line. I went to Applebee's and enjoyed a very moderately-priced lunch. I bought a calcium/magnesium supplement to take 3 times daily to help naturally reduce my hypertension.

I am excited about what lay on the horizon for me honestly! I have a few more appointments to make for the next week or so, like WIC and food stamps. Yep, that's right! My taxes pay into that system...isn't now the time for me to get some kind of ROI?? Also SCORE and Women's Business Dev. Cntr in St. Louis. I want to look into becoming a certified MBE/WME (women- and minority-owned).

Thanks to God again for making me "Get Outta The Boat!"

Half the Year is Gone!

I still feel like I am on my way to my goal of complete self-employment by the end of the year.

Things have been a little rough with the finances and all, but I believe it's time for it to look up a bit. I have officially reached about as low as I can get right now. But, I am at peace because God has commanded me (okay, HE forced me) to "Get Outta The Boat!" That is reference to an awesome TD Jakes sermon, on moving outside your "comfort zone" to get the full promises of God in your life.

So, what was my boat, you ask? Well, I was called into the office and let go today!

That's right, I am officially unemployed!

More at a later time! I PROMISE...