I finally got the email from the company I've been waiting not-so-patiently on regarding a job! So I have already begun my PAID training, which I plan to have finished by this week's end (so I can get it into payroll). Yes, this is a work-at-home position!
I have begrudgingly started swapping out summer clothes for winter ones. You really don't know how hard this has been for me. I am in total denial about the upcoming winter season.
Did You Know? There are these nutty people in the world who says crazy things like "I would miss the change in seasons"!! Can you even believe it? Puh-leeze!! I was so content in San Diego, where in the "winter" it was in the 50s. No, not the high....the LOW!! Wait! You're one of those people??? How can we ever be friends now?
Of course, I'm kidding! I have a lot of friends -and even family- who likes to noticeably see all 4 seasons...and I still love and hang with them!
Got a pleasant surprise this weekend! Dante drove into town on Sunday. So him and his dog Brownie (who is the cutest little dog almost ever) came over and surprised me. We sat and watched a movie, while I was sorting clothes. Then he left. I sent him a text message to see what he was doing at about 11p. I asked if he was busy, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to be, he asks if I was offering. I told him I was, to which he replied with 'I'm there in 20 minutes!'
Sweet!!
I lit a candle in my room and hit the showers. Sensual Amber by Bath & Body Works is one of 2 fragrances I wear. The other is Brown Sugar & Fig. They are both more like perfume and less like most of the fruity crap that's in the store! If that's your thing, go right ahead. But bees love me enough as it is....I don't need to actually invite them to fly to me by wearing something that smells exactly like cherries!!!
Just my opinion, though! You keep doing you!
Anyway, I'm off the subject but it doesn't matter, cause you know life was good the rest of the night! He has apologized and totally made amends for his timing faux paus, and had since reassured me that it was no big deal to him. He was informed and educated enough to know what it is and how to deal with it. Things have gotten back to the way they were between us before he went under the radar. I was feeling pretty comfortable and the attraction was definitely there so......
Details? No. It ain't that kinda blog!
Tidbit? Okay: 2 Scorpios who are true to their sign, that are very attracted to each other, that are very comfortable with each other, that trust each other....alone.....in a bedroom....with jazz in the background? Good times had by all!!!
I hated waking him up this morning because he looked so peaceful sleeping. It has been a very hard couple of weeks for him, since he got back stateside. I am glad he was able to rest. It's a good thing, I didn't slack too much though getting him up and out. Why?
Guess who decided, for the first time since I have lived here, to stop by in the morning to see me??? Yes, the irony of that is absolutely HILARIOUS to me!!! He didn't show Friday, Saturday, or Sunday...but when I had just sent Dante off 20minutes earlier, he calls to tell me he's pulling up at the house!!! Yes, it is hilarious to me. Yes, I also realize he would have been devastated if he found out about Dante. No, I am not done with Dante yet. Yes, I will be more careful. Dante is well aware of the situation and he understands, especially since we know what we are and are not and never will be. Plus, nobody has a chance at my heart from this point on except for The One.
But for right now, my body belongs to a scorpion!
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October 29, 2007
October 24, 2007
Crystal Trucking
What is Crystal Trucking? That is/was the name of my father's trucking company. Why is that the title? I'll get to that. But first, these words.
Life has gone on. Much has changed. Been in and out of a couple relationships. Then, I meet my husband-to-be one night. Yes, it was at a club. Yes, I was surprised when it didn't last forever! Anywho, I get a call from an uncle and good friend of my father telling me my father was in an accident. He is at a hospital in Columbia and may not make it through the night is what I was told. After I slightly compose myself, my betrothed and I hit the road. It was about a 2 hour drive...and I honestly didn't know what to expect. It didn't matter because I wouldn't have expected what I saw anyway.
It was a pretty bad accident. He was driving one of those car haulers, and it was empty. I saw pictures later in the daylight. The cab of the truck had two things that you could actually distinguish: the driver's seat and the steering wheel. There was nothing else. The outer shell of the truck wasn't there. There was no passenger seat...nothing. The entire front wheel axle -left and right- was sitting about 7 feet away from the cab. The back skeletal structure where the cars sit? It looked like someone just crumpled it in their hands. And my father? There wasn't a lot of blood or bandages. But, his head was swollen to almost twice it's normal size! Can you even imagine that? No, not juts the face, the whole head. His eyes couldn't even close all the way, due to massive amount of swelling. He was on a ventilator. The doctors said his lungs were fine, but that was to help reduce the swelling to his brain. Every bone on the left side of his face was crushed and he lost his left eye. From the the neck down? Nothing.
It took time, but he healed. I would go over almost every day after work and sit with him and help him out. My grandmother went over one day, while he was in the hospital and cleaned his house top to bottom. Then one day, I came over for my usual visit, and he and the girlfriend were going over bills for his trucking company. I was so proud of him, he had realized that dream for himself. Until I saw the name on the checks. Crystal Trucking! That would be the girlfriend's daughter's name!!! She was a few years younger than me, be he took to her like she was his own child, mainly because of her no-good, crackhead, thieving mother!
I am the baby of nine children by my father. Five of us are girls. You don't think he could have picked one of HIS actual children to name his company after? Or wow, here's a thought: Maybe even his own last name! That hurt me to my soul for years and years. It just seemed like no matter what I did, I was never going to be good enough to be more important than someone else's child!
I called my mom, in tears, still in shock about what I had just saw. Being the defender she is. She called him and gave a good size piece of her mind! That's why I wish my mom a Happy Father's Day every year!
That incident for my father and me, was the beginning of the end.
Life has gone on. Much has changed. Been in and out of a couple relationships. Then, I meet my husband-to-be one night. Yes, it was at a club. Yes, I was surprised when it didn't last forever! Anywho, I get a call from an uncle and good friend of my father telling me my father was in an accident. He is at a hospital in Columbia and may not make it through the night is what I was told. After I slightly compose myself, my betrothed and I hit the road. It was about a 2 hour drive...and I honestly didn't know what to expect. It didn't matter because I wouldn't have expected what I saw anyway.
It was a pretty bad accident. He was driving one of those car haulers, and it was empty. I saw pictures later in the daylight. The cab of the truck had two things that you could actually distinguish: the driver's seat and the steering wheel. There was nothing else. The outer shell of the truck wasn't there. There was no passenger seat...nothing. The entire front wheel axle -left and right- was sitting about 7 feet away from the cab. The back skeletal structure where the cars sit? It looked like someone just crumpled it in their hands. And my father? There wasn't a lot of blood or bandages. But, his head was swollen to almost twice it's normal size! Can you even imagine that? No, not juts the face, the whole head. His eyes couldn't even close all the way, due to massive amount of swelling. He was on a ventilator. The doctors said his lungs were fine, but that was to help reduce the swelling to his brain. Every bone on the left side of his face was crushed and he lost his left eye. From the the neck down? Nothing.
It took time, but he healed. I would go over almost every day after work and sit with him and help him out. My grandmother went over one day, while he was in the hospital and cleaned his house top to bottom. Then one day, I came over for my usual visit, and he and the girlfriend were going over bills for his trucking company. I was so proud of him, he had realized that dream for himself. Until I saw the name on the checks. Crystal Trucking! That would be the girlfriend's daughter's name!!! She was a few years younger than me, be he took to her like she was his own child, mainly because of her no-good, crackhead, thieving mother!
I am the baby of nine children by my father. Five of us are girls. You don't think he could have picked one of HIS actual children to name his company after? Or wow, here's a thought: Maybe even his own last name! That hurt me to my soul for years and years. It just seemed like no matter what I did, I was never going to be good enough to be more important than someone else's child!
I called my mom, in tears, still in shock about what I had just saw. Being the defender she is. She called him and gave a good size piece of her mind! That's why I wish my mom a Happy Father's Day every year!
That incident for my father and me, was the beginning of the end.
October 23, 2007
The Father....Part Two
Okay...here we go again. Fast forward a year. It's the end of college and, after a year of treating my car like gold...I have an accident. I completely accordion the left front fender, trying to avoid a head-on rear ender. Multi-car accident on 64/70E.
I take the car to my father's house, and I am freaking out! I was going to pick up my friend to take him shopping for his brother's birthday. I called and told him what happened, and he was just glad I was okay. My then boyfriend, Rick, and my friend Jon didn't really see eye to eye. So when I called him to tell what had happened, he asked where I was heading at the time of the accident.
I will never forget this...he to this day doesn't remember saying it (and it was totally out of character for him). As I looked out my father's window as he and his friends literally ripped the fender off my beloved car, Rick says to me "That's what you get for not being where you were supposed to be!" Yeah, traumatic, I know. I'm better now though....mostly.
So, my father has been around cars all his life. He and all his friends are in one way or another able to work on cars. From to under the hood to inside the car to on the body, there is someone for everything.
EXCEPT, when it came to me!
Noone seemed be able to fix my little fender for me. So, I drove my car for a couple of weeks without one. Hey, I was 18 and without shame...and was not about to walk!! Until, my uncle (rest his soul) went to the scrapyard and found a white one to replace the one I lost. Did I mention my car was red?
18 years old. Driving my own car. Didn't want to walk. Without Shame!
I did eventually buy some red automotive spray paint and change it to match the rest of the car....better. So once again, done WITHOUT paternal assistance.
Then, after another year or so, my beloved car started breaking down a little too frequently. One particular time, I was on my way from Springfield to E. St. Louis, it was dark already....and she broke down! My mom had already left earlier that evening, and I had just driven past the point where there were regular streetlights ceased. Yeah....good times! I sat out there for over 2 hours PRAYING noone would stop! This was long before the time of cell phones as a necessity, so I just hoped someone with one would call the police. And. Not. Stop.
Finally the police came and I was able to call my mom who picked me up. We called my father the next day to go get the car, and he did.
And it sat for over a month in his yard! Great! Thanks dad! It was finally fixed. Then my mom called him and fussed about it having taken him so long to get my car done, but noted if it was one of his friends it would have long been done! Naturally an argument ensued, they hung up on each other. I called him apparently when he was still upset and made some mention about my 'damn mammy'! Before I caught myself, I told him to watch his f-ing mouth and I hung up!
That was the only time I ever disrespected my father....and I didn't talk to him for a year. The day I decided to talk to him, I just stopped by and we hung out. There was no discussing what happened. We, in general, have a pretty superficial relationship. Yet again, this explains why I am the way I am with men.
More tomorrow.
I take the car to my father's house, and I am freaking out! I was going to pick up my friend to take him shopping for his brother's birthday. I called and told him what happened, and he was just glad I was okay. My then boyfriend, Rick, and my friend Jon didn't really see eye to eye. So when I called him to tell what had happened, he asked where I was heading at the time of the accident.
I will never forget this...he to this day doesn't remember saying it (and it was totally out of character for him). As I looked out my father's window as he and his friends literally ripped the fender off my beloved car, Rick says to me "That's what you get for not being where you were supposed to be!" Yeah, traumatic, I know. I'm better now though....mostly.
So, my father has been around cars all his life. He and all his friends are in one way or another able to work on cars. From to under the hood to inside the car to on the body, there is someone for everything.
EXCEPT, when it came to me!
Noone seemed be able to fix my little fender for me. So, I drove my car for a couple of weeks without one. Hey, I was 18 and without shame...and was not about to walk!! Until, my uncle (rest his soul) went to the scrapyard and found a white one to replace the one I lost. Did I mention my car was red?
18 years old. Driving my own car. Didn't want to walk. Without Shame!
I did eventually buy some red automotive spray paint and change it to match the rest of the car....better. So once again, done WITHOUT paternal assistance.
Then, after another year or so, my beloved car started breaking down a little too frequently. One particular time, I was on my way from Springfield to E. St. Louis, it was dark already....and she broke down! My mom had already left earlier that evening, and I had just driven past the point where there were regular streetlights ceased. Yeah....good times! I sat out there for over 2 hours PRAYING noone would stop! This was long before the time of cell phones as a necessity, so I just hoped someone with one would call the police. And. Not. Stop.
Finally the police came and I was able to call my mom who picked me up. We called my father the next day to go get the car, and he did.
And it sat for over a month in his yard! Great! Thanks dad! It was finally fixed. Then my mom called him and fussed about it having taken him so long to get my car done, but noted if it was one of his friends it would have long been done! Naturally an argument ensued, they hung up on each other. I called him apparently when he was still upset and made some mention about my 'damn mammy'! Before I caught myself, I told him to watch his f-ing mouth and I hung up!
That was the only time I ever disrespected my father....and I didn't talk to him for a year. The day I decided to talk to him, I just stopped by and we hung out. There was no discussing what happened. We, in general, have a pretty superficial relationship. Yet again, this explains why I am the way I am with men.
More tomorrow.
October 21, 2007
Did I ever tell you about my father?
Did I ever explain why I am so screwed up when it comes to guys? I didn't think so either. Here goes:
My father would be the reason. All the times that I waited for him to show and he never did. For the "perfect" (in comparison to the other career criminal and drug-addicted local siblings I had) behavior, the honor roll, the never needing bail money. All I ever asked him to really do on a financial basis was to buy my mother's escort from my sister for me. (Hard to explain...don't want to...but my sister was my legal guardian for a time in high school)
Mind you, I had been hearing since pre-teen years that when I was 16, he was going to buy me a car. So, I turned 16 and??? You guessed it! NADA!
Then the story morphed into when I become a senior, he'll buy me a car. Yeah....still nothing. It morphed yet again into when I graduate.
Now it's crunch time. I am about to graduate from high school and leave for college in 3 months. Hey, let's make this easy for you! You can simply 'buy' the Escort from my sister for me and have one of your mechanic friends to fix the cracked head! The car is a STEAL at only $500! Guess what??? He started complaining about how Fords are a piece of crap and it's not gonna be worth it to fix it and "blah, blah, blah" is pretty much what I remember.
So, I graduate high school and go live with my mom in Springfield. By day, I worked 6a-2p, 5 days a week at the Wendy's across the street from our townhouse. In the evenings a few nights a week, I worked from 3p-11p at the Denny's just down the block. Why so much working you ask???
Well, back then, when you took your Ford to the shop and was told you had water in the oil, it meant your head gasket or the actual head itself was cracked. You prayed for the gasket since it was LOADS cheaper to repair. Replacing the head was damn near like buying a rebuilt transmission and having it installed!!! There were 4 figures involved in the total repair bill, and this was in 1991! Yeah right, like it was the gasket on my escort!!! So I needed to make as much money as I could to get my car fixed before it was time for me to go to college. Yes, I said my car. The working was also to pay my sister for the car itself, as well as the repairs!
This next part goes to show who your REAL Father is. When my sister had all the money together from me, she put the car in the shop who originally told her about the cracked head. Imagine all of our surprise when he said the car was fine! He did a tune-up and oil change and sent us on our way!!!
That is the first real event that I can remember. This will run as a little mini-series, so the next part will be later in the week. I can only dredge up so much at one time. Thanks for understanding.
My father would be the reason. All the times that I waited for him to show and he never did. For the "perfect" (in comparison to the other career criminal and drug-addicted local siblings I had) behavior, the honor roll, the never needing bail money. All I ever asked him to really do on a financial basis was to buy my mother's escort from my sister for me. (Hard to explain...don't want to...but my sister was my legal guardian for a time in high school)
Mind you, I had been hearing since pre-teen years that when I was 16, he was going to buy me a car. So, I turned 16 and??? You guessed it! NADA!
Then the story morphed into when I become a senior, he'll buy me a car. Yeah....still nothing. It morphed yet again into when I graduate.
Now it's crunch time. I am about to graduate from high school and leave for college in 3 months. Hey, let's make this easy for you! You can simply 'buy' the Escort from my sister for me and have one of your mechanic friends to fix the cracked head! The car is a STEAL at only $500! Guess what??? He started complaining about how Fords are a piece of crap and it's not gonna be worth it to fix it and "blah, blah, blah" is pretty much what I remember.
So, I graduate high school and go live with my mom in Springfield. By day, I worked 6a-2p, 5 days a week at the Wendy's across the street from our townhouse. In the evenings a few nights a week, I worked from 3p-11p at the Denny's just down the block. Why so much working you ask???
Well, back then, when you took your Ford to the shop and was told you had water in the oil, it meant your head gasket or the actual head itself was cracked. You prayed for the gasket since it was LOADS cheaper to repair. Replacing the head was damn near like buying a rebuilt transmission and having it installed!!! There were 4 figures involved in the total repair bill, and this was in 1991! Yeah right, like it was the gasket on my escort!!! So I needed to make as much money as I could to get my car fixed before it was time for me to go to college. Yes, I said my car. The working was also to pay my sister for the car itself, as well as the repairs!
This next part goes to show who your REAL Father is. When my sister had all the money together from me, she put the car in the shop who originally told her about the cracked head. Imagine all of our surprise when he said the car was fine! He did a tune-up and oil change and sent us on our way!!!
That is the first real event that I can remember. This will run as a little mini-series, so the next part will be later in the week. I can only dredge up so much at one time. Thanks for understanding.
Quote for the Day
"I'm well aware that my opponents on both sides are paying a lot more attention to me. I'm reminded by some of my friends that when you get to be my age, having so many men paying attention to you is kind of flattering." Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton
I love that!! To see the full article click here.
Another interesting article I read the other day on CNN.com regarding Barack Obama and his chance with the black community. It was very enlightening. You'll find that article here.
Basically the article is stating that he needs to count on more than just the color of his skin to get our vote. He is very charismatic, but also not very passionate when he is speaking on the issues. Me, personally, I need to feel that you care what you are talking about. Haven't gotten that yet.
At this point, I would surely be voting for Sen. Clinton. Hey, I can do that! I AM a double minority, remember?
I love that!! To see the full article click here.
Another interesting article I read the other day on CNN.com regarding Barack Obama and his chance with the black community. It was very enlightening. You'll find that article here.
Basically the article is stating that he needs to count on more than just the color of his skin to get our vote. He is very charismatic, but also not very passionate when he is speaking on the issues. Me, personally, I need to feel that you care what you are talking about. Haven't gotten that yet.
At this point, I would surely be voting for Sen. Clinton. Hey, I can do that! I AM a double minority, remember?
October 17, 2007
Such a Forgiving Soul
I am always willing to give other's another chance. I have this fatal flaw of always seeing the good in people....even if it's a little speck! So, Dante and I talked on Sunday and he explained the full story of what happened. I told him that's fine and all, but he could have sent me an email to say something. Being accused of being a fair weather friend myself by going into my own little world when things were really bad, I can understand his actions. But, still the timing was just crappy, especially with New Man happening at the same time.
So we've been talking on the phone and we've been chatting. But, as I made clear to him, I am more wary now as to his motives. So we will have to see what happens, and I have to build up to trusting him again.
Can't Get Right/The One is just not there yet. I can't say that I will wait again. I have other things in my life to keep me occupied at least. By other things, I don't mean other guys either. Dating still sucks...too many ulterior motives to sift through. But, one thing I do know is that I can take another hurt from anyone else....but him. I just don't think my heart would survive. So I step back and watch and pray and hope that one day he may actually get it right!
So we've been talking on the phone and we've been chatting. But, as I made clear to him, I am more wary now as to his motives. So we will have to see what happens, and I have to build up to trusting him again.
Can't Get Right/The One is just not there yet. I can't say that I will wait again. I have other things in my life to keep me occupied at least. By other things, I don't mean other guys either. Dating still sucks...too many ulterior motives to sift through. But, one thing I do know is that I can take another hurt from anyone else....but him. I just don't think my heart would survive. So I step back and watch and pray and hope that one day he may actually get it right!
October 13, 2007
Testy, Aren't We?
Did I get comments when I was writing about my life going to hell in a handbasket? Did one "friend" say 'Hey, keep ya head up'? (Okay, well one did. Thanks, MamaMilton!)
BUT, let me vent my feelings about this year's hurt regarding dating, relationships, and my condition? Watch the feathers ruffle!!! Pretty interesting and...in all honesty...downright funny to someone with a twisted sense of humor as mine!
Can't Get Right is trying to change back into The One, but it's hard for me to trust and have faith that he can anymore. That's where my heart is, that's where it has been forever it seems. I guess we will see what he does. I will not pursue - AT ALL. He will have to win this prize once and for all the hard way!
You know what I like about him? He has always loved me for me. Every flaw. Every dark secret (and I have shared them all with him!). Every lie. Every truth. Every hurt. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what, he loves me. Even with my condition, he loves me. His love for me is more than his fear of that. And you know what's so awesome? I feel the same about him! He never had what I have and, in the 10+ years (off and on) we have been dealing with each other, has never acquired it either. I care about him too much to put him at risk. I cared about the New Guy that much too, but the love (that I think we had) was conditional. That's okay, it wasn't meant to be.
There is a lot of dirty, murky, Mississippi-type water under our proverbial 'bridge'. But, I pray for him. I pray that he has decided to start being who he is to be. I pray for his health. I pray for his children and his relationship with them to improve, now that he is deciding to live/love life and not just exist in it. I pray that we finally get it right! I pray that all those who love me and think I'm nuts for still wanting to be with him, accept him into my life and my childrens' lives. I pray that all in our two worlds, finally 'see' what we've been knowing about each other for the last 10 years.
Such a romantic sap, aren't I??
ps - I'll let you know what Dante and I talk about tomorrow after he calls me...
BUT, let me vent my feelings about this year's hurt regarding dating, relationships, and my condition? Watch the feathers ruffle!!! Pretty interesting and...in all honesty...downright funny to someone with a twisted sense of humor as mine!
Can't Get Right is trying to change back into The One, but it's hard for me to trust and have faith that he can anymore. That's where my heart is, that's where it has been forever it seems. I guess we will see what he does. I will not pursue - AT ALL. He will have to win this prize once and for all the hard way!
You know what I like about him? He has always loved me for me. Every flaw. Every dark secret (and I have shared them all with him!). Every lie. Every truth. Every hurt. He loves me unconditionally. No matter what, he loves me. Even with my condition, he loves me. His love for me is more than his fear of that. And you know what's so awesome? I feel the same about him! He never had what I have and, in the 10+ years (off and on) we have been dealing with each other, has never acquired it either. I care about him too much to put him at risk. I cared about the New Guy that much too, but the love (that I think we had) was conditional. That's okay, it wasn't meant to be.
There is a lot of dirty, murky, Mississippi-type water under our proverbial 'bridge'. But, I pray for him. I pray that he has decided to start being who he is to be. I pray for his health. I pray for his children and his relationship with them to improve, now that he is deciding to live/love life and not just exist in it. I pray that we finally get it right! I pray that all those who love me and think I'm nuts for still wanting to be with him, accept him into my life and my childrens' lives. I pray that all in our two worlds, finally 'see' what we've been knowing about each other for the last 10 years.
Such a romantic sap, aren't I??
ps - I'll let you know what Dante and I talk about tomorrow after he calls me...
October 9, 2007
Men Are Complete F-ing Jackasses!!!
Okay…well not ALL men! But damnit, most of those that I have ever dealt with are!
Don’t believe me? Let me give you a short list:
My father – JERK
My first husband – JERK
My second husband – JERK
My baby-daddy (ie, The One) – JERK
The WonderTwins’ father – JERK
Those are the major ones at least. Pretty much all of the minor ones have been too. This entire batch of new men? JERKS!!
The New Guy strung me along for months instead of just being straight and breaking it off, when it was clear he didn’t want to be in a relationship (at least, not with me). Mind you, this revelation only became apparent when I told him about my condition! That puts him in JERK status.
The Commander hurt my feelings by calling me a fair weather friend, when I was clearly going through HELL in my own life. But when I told him about it, did he act like he cared? No. Now, it seems all he’s interested in is a romp in the sack, cause apparently that’s all I’m worth!! BUT, that can’t put him JERK status because of something equally crappy that I did….so let’s say we’re even!!
New Man who decided to be a judgmental little prick for deciding that my condition was a deal-breaker for him! Meanwhile, I decided to be the nice one and bend my deal-breaking policy of being with a smoker to give him a chance! That puts him in JERK status.
And now, to round out the group, Dante!!!! I am so disappointed and pissed off with his actions! I can’t even see straight!! JERK status!! Let me enlighten you on that one. Once again, selfish – hypocritical – judgmental ass men!!! I was willing to be your friend, regardless as to whatever else was going on. We were supposed to be cool no matter what, even if we decided not to have anything more than that. We have discussed a lot about ourselves to each other, good and bad. You kept in contact with me when you were 9hours away…on an almost daily basis! You even called me on a number of occasions while you were in
What a bunch of shit???!!! I am past the rejection and hurt that I felt this weekend. I am PISSED THE HELL OFF!!!!
Sanctimonious bastards!!
Whew! Now I feel better!
(solo-mommy puts on her best Cheshire Cat grin)
October 8, 2007
I Am Better
Today was Monday. The first day of my long-awaited 8a-430p shift!!! It was glorious! Before I knew it, it was after 4p. I sat with my charge today again. Wow! What a difference from last week!
I have decided a few things today that I plan to change over the next year. I am in no mood to share right now (did enough sharing yesterday, don't you think?)...so I will perhaps discuss them at another time. Let me say this about it. I will not allow my life to keep passing me by.
I have decided a few things today that I plan to change over the next year. I am in no mood to share right now (did enough sharing yesterday, don't you think?)...so I will perhaps discuss them at another time. Let me say this about it. I will not allow my life to keep passing me by.
October 7, 2007
Time to clear the air...
I have been pretty vague about this medical condition of mine that seems to make perfectly decent guys run for the hills!! I will tell you this much, it is something that I can never get rid of, but it won't kill me. So, it's a big deal...but not that big of a deal. It is something I contracted from another person over 14 years ago by not being responsible.
Times like now when I have to tell a potential partner that I have it before I get too involved with them, this is usually when it bothers me most. Otherwise, I don't really have to deal with it too much. I try to make that point apparent to those I tell, but the stigma of it is just too much for them.
So, I had my meltdown. I am feeling better. I am fabulous. I have a wonderful heart. I have great children, well-mannered children, smart children, gorgeous children. I am beautiful, inside and out. I am a great companion and fiercely loyal. I know how to make a man feel like a man - in and out of the bedroom. If a guy chooses to look over all those qualities...plus the many I have neglected to mention...for this one thing, then it is HIS LOSS.
Back to you, Bob!
Times like now when I have to tell a potential partner that I have it before I get too involved with them, this is usually when it bothers me most. Otherwise, I don't really have to deal with it too much. I try to make that point apparent to those I tell, but the stigma of it is just too much for them.
So, I had my meltdown. I am feeling better. I am fabulous. I have a wonderful heart. I have great children, well-mannered children, smart children, gorgeous children. I am beautiful, inside and out. I am a great companion and fiercely loyal. I know how to make a man feel like a man - in and out of the bedroom. If a guy chooses to look over all those qualities...plus the many I have neglected to mention...for this one thing, then it is HIS LOSS.
Back to you, Bob!
October 6, 2007
It's Not Looking Good
So maybe I am still depressed from yesterday. I am still pretty down. Because of New Man's choice...and the fact that I haven't heard from Dante since I told him Thursday evening...it's not looking real good right now.
Like I said before, I would rather get everything out now so that I can deal with pain all at once and then move on. I am surprised at Dante, because it wasn't so much a love connection between us in the first place. It was just someone to chat with and hang out with on occasion. Yes, if we both wanted something to happen in the interim, it would have. But dang, I thought we'd at least be friends!
I am exhausted at this point. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. This year has really been difficult. I can say for New Man, that at least he was straight-forward and came out and told the truth when I asked, instead of stringing me along for MONTHS like the New Guy did. That's why I have adopted the policy of telling somewhere toward the beginning, so it can be a clean break if necessary. But honestly, I have never had to deal with this much rejection in a relatively short period of time because of this condition. Basically everyone that I've ever told has been like, "OK, so we'll just be careful, no big deal." Let's not forget: married twice, live-in once, engaged (and VERY active) once....and as always, there was The One. Noone was that concerned. Now, all of sudden, nobody wants to deal with it. I'm not dying for pete's sake! I will not die from this, and neither will he! What's the bfd?????
Yes, I am moving past grief and sadness, into anger and frustration. What am I supposed to do? Stop dating......or stop telling people? Neither are options. I guess for now, I will just stick with what I have. Perhaps, eventually, the right one will come along that accepts all of me....and still thinks they're the luckiest person alive!
A girl can dream.
Like I said before, I would rather get everything out now so that I can deal with pain all at once and then move on. I am surprised at Dante, because it wasn't so much a love connection between us in the first place. It was just someone to chat with and hang out with on occasion. Yes, if we both wanted something to happen in the interim, it would have. But dang, I thought we'd at least be friends!
I am exhausted at this point. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. This year has really been difficult. I can say for New Man, that at least he was straight-forward and came out and told the truth when I asked, instead of stringing me along for MONTHS like the New Guy did. That's why I have adopted the policy of telling somewhere toward the beginning, so it can be a clean break if necessary. But honestly, I have never had to deal with this much rejection in a relatively short period of time because of this condition. Basically everyone that I've ever told has been like, "OK, so we'll just be careful, no big deal." Let's not forget: married twice, live-in once, engaged (and VERY active) once....and as always, there was The One. Noone was that concerned. Now, all of sudden, nobody wants to deal with it. I'm not dying for pete's sake! I will not die from this, and neither will he! What's the bfd?????
Yes, I am moving past grief and sadness, into anger and frustration. What am I supposed to do? Stop dating......or stop telling people? Neither are options. I guess for now, I will just stick with what I have. Perhaps, eventually, the right one will come along that accepts all of me....and still thinks they're the luckiest person alive!
A girl can dream.
October 5, 2007
One Down...
Well, New Man will likely not be mentioned after today. Yeah, it went that well.
I sent the email and got nothing. Then I sent another a few minutes later, asking him what was going on...and tell him I was freaking out not knowing. He replied that he was busy with the kids the night before and that after further research on the matter, he decided he did not want to continue pursuing anything. He said he felt really bad about it. But I replied it was fine and it was nice meeting and chatting with him. I ended with take care, therefore ending any future conversation. I deleted his newly saved number from my cell phone and when I got home, I deleted him from my messenger list.
I completely respect his decision to not want to pursue a relationship with me. If he is not comfortable with it now, he won't be comfortable with it later...and I can't even say what I would do if it was reversed, honestly. But, he didn't leave the door open to even be chatting friends, so I didn't ask. I am not that desperate!
But DAMN, this really hurts. Rejection like this is very difficult to deal with, and while I play hard about it, I have been trying not to cry all afternoon. It's not ME that they don't like. Not my quirky and neurotic and overly dramatic personality. Not my four children. Not that my finances aren't completely together and my credit sucks. None of those things. You don't want me because I am DAMAGED GOODS. I mean hey, why pick the defective one, when there are so many other (read as: BETTER QUALITY) choices out there?
Did I NOT say I was dramatic?! :)
I haven't heard from Dante yet, and that's okay. I wasn't at my desk for email today anyway. I don't know what to expect. But frankly, I'd rather get it over with all at once if it's gonna be bad. If he doesn't wanna hang when he gets here, ok. Let it all sting at one time and then I can get over it. I hope to hear something tonight, but I won't pressure him...that's for sure. One way or another, it's out there...and there's nothing I can do about it. The truth was told at the appropriate time, so I did right. And whatever happens....It Is What It Is!!!!! :)
I sent the email and got nothing. Then I sent another a few minutes later, asking him what was going on...and tell him I was freaking out not knowing. He replied that he was busy with the kids the night before and that after further research on the matter, he decided he did not want to continue pursuing anything. He said he felt really bad about it. But I replied it was fine and it was nice meeting and chatting with him. I ended with take care, therefore ending any future conversation. I deleted his newly saved number from my cell phone and when I got home, I deleted him from my messenger list.
I completely respect his decision to not want to pursue a relationship with me. If he is not comfortable with it now, he won't be comfortable with it later...and I can't even say what I would do if it was reversed, honestly. But, he didn't leave the door open to even be chatting friends, so I didn't ask. I am not that desperate!
But DAMN, this really hurts. Rejection like this is very difficult to deal with, and while I play hard about it, I have been trying not to cry all afternoon. It's not ME that they don't like. Not my quirky and neurotic and overly dramatic personality. Not my four children. Not that my finances aren't completely together and my credit sucks. None of those things. You don't want me because I am DAMAGED GOODS. I mean hey, why pick the defective one, when there are so many other (read as: BETTER QUALITY) choices out there?
Did I NOT say I was dramatic?! :)
I haven't heard from Dante yet, and that's okay. I wasn't at my desk for email today anyway. I don't know what to expect. But frankly, I'd rather get it over with all at once if it's gonna be bad. If he doesn't wanna hang when he gets here, ok. Let it all sting at one time and then I can get over it. I hope to hear something tonight, but I won't pressure him...that's for sure. One way or another, it's out there...and there's nothing I can do about it. The truth was told at the appropriate time, so I did right. And whatever happens....It Is What It Is!!!!! :)
The Truth Shall Set You Free
Well, here we go again. I told my news. You know, about my medical condition. Who did I tell? I told New Man (formerly known as TechGuard) and then I told Dante.
Both of their initial reactions were fine. There was the usual stunned reaction, then questions, which I am fine to answer. Oh, and by the way, there was definitely chemistry between New Man and me. We totally made out in the car! I felt like a kid! So, I told him about it so he could determine if he wanted to go farther with seeing me on a continuing basis. He was fine with it I thought. We made out and talked for another hour or so after that discussion. But the day after, I sent him a text message to which I got no reply, and he wasn't online that night. Did he make himself invisible to me?? Was he just out with the kids then came home and crashed? Does he just not know what to say at this point? Since I'll have access to my email at work again today, I'll send a generic email notifying him (along with my bff) and see if he replies.
Dante had a lot of questions about it as well. I had to tell him on im, because I wanted to give him time to determine if he still wanted to spend time with me when he came home, and he didn't have access to a phone. He did say that he is sorry I have to go through this...which was very sweet. He fell asleep after we talked about it a bit, but he had already told me he was very tired. His body is still adjusting to the 9 hour time difference. So, we'll see how he reacts when he sleeps on it too!
This sucks, but it's my life and what I have to do. I'll hopefully have good news tonight. Cross your fingers.
Both of their initial reactions were fine. There was the usual stunned reaction, then questions, which I am fine to answer. Oh, and by the way, there was definitely chemistry between New Man and me. We totally made out in the car! I felt like a kid! So, I told him about it so he could determine if he wanted to go farther with seeing me on a continuing basis. He was fine with it I thought. We made out and talked for another hour or so after that discussion. But the day after, I sent him a text message to which I got no reply, and he wasn't online that night. Did he make himself invisible to me?? Was he just out with the kids then came home and crashed? Does he just not know what to say at this point? Since I'll have access to my email at work again today, I'll send a generic email notifying him (along with my bff) and see if he replies.
Dante had a lot of questions about it as well. I had to tell him on im, because I wanted to give him time to determine if he still wanted to spend time with me when he came home, and he didn't have access to a phone. He did say that he is sorry I have to go through this...which was very sweet. He fell asleep after we talked about it a bit, but he had already told me he was very tired. His body is still adjusting to the 9 hour time difference. So, we'll see how he reacts when he sleeps on it too!
This sucks, but it's my life and what I have to do. I'll hopefully have good news tonight. Cross your fingers.
October 4, 2007
Nervousness Is....
Having a great date with a guy, really hitting it off....then NOT HEARING FROM HIM THE NEXT DAY!
October 2, 2007
Look! Up in the Sky...It's Me!
Yeah, Yeah...I know. I suck!! But I promise to get better real soon.
So, let's see, what's been going on? Work is work. In less than a week, I should FINALLY be on an earlier shift to pick up ALL of my children. I did get a break when two new girls started and was able to move up to 9a-530p, so I can pick the WonderTwins up everyday now. Then hopefully within the next week or two I will be moving up to 8-430 or 830-5, I don't know which one yet. I want the 830-5 for the sake of my sisters, so if they need to drop the girls off with me to take to school they can. But, I also want to get off earlier too. Which is selfish because look at how many things they sacrificed to be able to pick my kids up? On the back end, what difference does 30min really make?
Other than that, I have another new friend that I have been chatting with the past week or two. Let's call this guy TechGuard (subject to change). Funny thing is he has the exact same name as the New Guy, so in talking about to friends I have distinguished him by added "New" in front of his name. And finally, the Kween, calls him "New_____", instead of "White______"! lol
Yes, he is white. Met him on yahoo im, actually. Usually I am a snob if someone I don't know pops in saying 'hi'. I will instantly block them. But this time, I decided to be nice and say hello. I was glad I did, he's a pretty cool guy. I am one who has never had an aversion to dating outside of my "race", and have done before (though long years ago). I am not looking to rush into a full-on relationship still, I am just dating and looking to play it by ear...so this is something new for me.
We have had some pretty interesting chats on occasion as well. By interesting, I do mean um...racy. So we are going to dinner Wednesday night, where I plan to determine if there is actual attraction AND chemistry in person, and if this may turn into something. I met him once for about 10 minutes, and my initial reaction was 'Okay'...not blown away or anything. He is one of those that will probably become more attractive to me through his personality, though he is not unattractive on his own. I wouldn't have picked him out on the street though. Nor would I have picked out PsychoRev or the New Guy, either. I still have a shallow side, sue me!
So, we will see how this goes, and I will keep you posted on that!
I should have a work update by the end of the week! Whew!!
So, let's see, what's been going on? Work is work. In less than a week, I should FINALLY be on an earlier shift to pick up ALL of my children. I did get a break when two new girls started and was able to move up to 9a-530p, so I can pick the WonderTwins up everyday now. Then hopefully within the next week or two I will be moving up to 8-430 or 830-5, I don't know which one yet. I want the 830-5 for the sake of my sisters, so if they need to drop the girls off with me to take to school they can. But, I also want to get off earlier too. Which is selfish because look at how many things they sacrificed to be able to pick my kids up? On the back end, what difference does 30min really make?
Other than that, I have another new friend that I have been chatting with the past week or two. Let's call this guy TechGuard (subject to change). Funny thing is he has the exact same name as the New Guy, so in talking about to friends I have distinguished him by added "New" in front of his name. And finally, the Kween, calls him "New_____", instead of "White______"! lol
Yes, he is white. Met him on yahoo im, actually. Usually I am a snob if someone I don't know pops in saying 'hi'. I will instantly block them. But this time, I decided to be nice and say hello. I was glad I did, he's a pretty cool guy. I am one who has never had an aversion to dating outside of my "race", and have done before (though long years ago). I am not looking to rush into a full-on relationship still, I am just dating and looking to play it by ear...so this is something new for me.
We have had some pretty interesting chats on occasion as well. By interesting, I do mean um...racy. So we are going to dinner Wednesday night, where I plan to determine if there is actual attraction AND chemistry in person, and if this may turn into something. I met him once for about 10 minutes, and my initial reaction was 'Okay'...not blown away or anything. He is one of those that will probably become more attractive to me through his personality, though he is not unattractive on his own. I wouldn't have picked him out on the street though. Nor would I have picked out PsychoRev or the New Guy, either. I still have a shallow side, sue me!
So, we will see how this goes, and I will keep you posted on that!
I should have a work update by the end of the week! Whew!!
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