The (job) Hunt Begins...

OMG...I have never been so ready to get back to work in my life!!!

No, no, no...don't panic. I'm still not a big Corporate America or j.o.b. fan, but I'm even LESS fond of being this damn broke! So the acronym for j.o.b. (ie, Just Over Broke) will be a STEP UP for me at this time!!!

I have plans for the next few months. Those plans involved getting a few thousand dollars a month in income, getting a lease option on this house, getting my Denali XL (finally), getting almost ALL bills paid off, raising my GPA back to acceptable levels, and getting my FICO over 600. Yep...all before next Spring.

How, you ask? Well, it all starts with a job, making more than $30K a year. Mix in the part-time income working with AT&T, then sprinkle in about $700/month in child support (most from my selfish ex-husband hopefully) and we should be in a good place. Then top with supplemental income from a part-time Amway online business and some revenue from StarrDom Travel - relaunched and rebranded as a destination wedding/honeymoon/group getaway only agency - and I should be bringing in a nice chunk of change per month.

All to get me to the aforementioned goals. I was originally hoping to have my Denali by my birthday this year but, unless I do something wreckless and stupid...or win the lottery...I won't. That's okay, I'm aiming for next year, around tax return season to be specific. My bills should be in such a good place by then that I could afford to split my return between that and a good down payment on a certain surgery I've been wanting to have.

That's the general plan, now it's time to narrow it down some to more specific goals. It's gonna happen, I no longer have a doubt. God promised it to me, and He does not break his promises.

I Saw Him Today...

My father that is. I was reading a wonderful book by a Christian author named Karen Kinsgbury titled One Tuesday Morning last night. I was just finishing up, and was very emotional. Then one of the characters said something about seeing his father that he hadn't seen in years because life is too short, I thought about mine.

So I course I knew it was only God Who could've crossed our paths the next morning!

The sad thing is, we were just 2 cars passing on the road, but I saw him and he didn't see me. Still when the words left my so naturally saying, 'Wow, that was my father. I'm gonna have to go see him soon', I lost it!! Before I knew it, there were tears welling up in my eyes. I was breaking down fast.

I thought I was over that man. I thought just shutting him out of my life was working. Then when I found out he had throat cancer, I even accepted the fact that he would not be alive much longer. It was a bit of a relief because then I wouldn't have to deal with it for too much longer. But seeing him just brought it all back. The monumental disappointment and hurt and heartbrokeness that has evolved into anger after so many years...it's back. I can't even say I love him, I am so pissed at him for screwing me up the way he did! For making me feel never good enough. For showing me that I didn't mean more to him than someone else's child did. For us never having any kind of real relationship. Just anger is all that remains. So my logic is, if the mere existence of someone makesyou feel bad everytime you see them, then you cut them out of your life. Who wants to voluntarily be mad and hurt and disappointed, you know??

I now realize that God doesn't want me to just bury the pain, He wants me to be released from it. I now know that the only way that can happen is for me to confront him and tell him how he has made me feel all these years. That is probably going to be the hardest conversation I have ever had to have. But there is one thing I know for sure: I can all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

I have only one expectation out of this talk: that I will be free. I don't expect (or even believe) that the relationship can/will change between us. That worked for the bff...but she also got the (great) stepfather that I never did too, so I know better than to expect that. I just want to have said what I need to say to the person that caused me pain and then move on. If I decide to talk to him or still see him after that point, that will be fine too. Whatever God tells me to do, because that's the Father that I know has my best intentions at heart.

The Last Month of 2008

It has begun...the last month of 2008 is officially here. Almost time to start anew again for 2009. Time to reflect on what was accomplished this year. Time to review what learned. Time to reveal the dreams of tomorrow.

Are you ready? I am.

My life has taken such turns this year, even I couldn't have predicted it! Who would've guessed that in the very middle of 2008 I would be laid off?? Who would've guessed that instead of my BD, ie. Can't Get Right, and I being together, we were more like best friends? Who would've guessed that a passionate but allegedly casual fling between Dante and I would be positioned to go to new levels? And on top of that, I have been enlightened so much this year about myself and about life and about what I want out of life and how to get it and....well I could go on and on.

Let me say that - though Thanksgiving is past - I am so grateful for this year! I may not be financially where I want to be but, this was definitely my skyscraper year! The foundation was laid last year when things were so very low for me. This year, the steel frame has been put in place. Next year, the rest of the structure will be added to the frame! By next year's end, I want the finishing touches to be "prettying up" the interior of this beautiful skyscraper that not I built, but that God built!! When this project is done, everyone will see God in the glory, not me! That is my prayer.

Blessings and Breakthroughs!

What a divine day! I finally had a very important lesson sink in! And I truly believe this will send my life into the direction that I have wanted for so long!

You know, I am only 34 years old...will be 35 in less than a month. I feel so blessed that I am finding these things out about myself now rather than in my fifties or sixties...or never! As G.I. Joe would say: Knowing is half the battle! I can truly pinpoint some very important factors that are holding me back in life and in doing so, I can correct them!

That most assuredly puts me on the upswing in my life! I wish I could say more, but this is even too personal for my blog right now. It's one of those that will have to been seen rather than talked about, you know?

God is so wonderful!

Relentless!!!

The Joyce Meyer Women's Conference was this past weekend, and I really enjoyed it! WOW!!! I really, really enjoyed it! I got so much out of it! It was just things that I needed to hear. My bff came into town and we went together to 4 out of 5 conferences. She didn't make it to the one Saturday morning where Lisa Bevere spoke, and I almost didn't running late. But, I really loved her! She helped stoke my passion to learn to ride a motorcycle again! She even showed us a picture of her Ninja bike! I was soooo envious!

I didn't get to see the bff outside of the conference, since she was staying with her friend in St. Louis. There was a twinge of envy, but I really didn't get upset because that's how I expected it to be. I guess after that situation last year around my birthday having turned out so awfully, who can blame me!? I mean, point blank, when she comes here she stays with her...and that's that. She rants and raves about her daughter did this and said that. A little part of me always wonders if she ever does that to other people with my kids. Such as life, it is what it is!

Anyway, back to the subject...Creflo Dollar was on fire Thursday night! Joyce spoke both sessions on Friday. I caught the MetroLink over there everyday but Thursday. Now, don't get me wrong. Just because I went to this conference doesn't mean I was off the hook with the taxi service! I went to the 10a session after I dropped the kids off, came back and got lunch, picked up the kids, then headed back over there for the 7p session. It was so worth it...SO WORTH IT!!! I will be an "every year attendee" from this point on! Yolanda Adams and Darlene Zsesch (sp) were the praise and worship performers. My prayer was that I not lose that fire and passion for Christ that I had there. That I not lose that burning desire to never give up...to be Relentless!!

So far, so good!

In other news, my sweetie is feeling better. He's on the upswing, which makes me happy because he was definitely at the top of my prayer list. Kids are doing great in school. Mid-term grades look excellent!

Oh yeah, on a personal note...I cut my hair! I cut about 3 inches off. It was damaged, and I needed it done...and more importantly, I needed that change! I am happy I did it, very happy! Now, I will continue to take care of it like I always knew how, and watch it grow like weeds! I should see healthy armpit-length hair by my birthday 2009!

Going back on South Beach to get down to 170 too. I think I would be very happy with 170 toned, especially for my height. My punkin doesn't want me too thin, and it's not like I would even be considered "thick" now. I like the way I looked and felt when I first lost the weight back in April. I think I ended up at about 181 then, so 11 more pounds won't be that drastic! My punkin is not as assured however! That was a wonderful feeling of accomplishment I had going on then...and I want that back!

There is nothing I cannot do with God and my side. If God be for me, who can be against me? (Translation: If God is for me, it doesn't even matter who's against me...because I am already victorious!)

I made a promise before God, Joyce Meyer, my bff, and about 10,000 other women to Never Give Up!!! I meant it. I can't break a promise to God...