Yes!! It is 2010!! I made it and I made it smiling! For a while there I didn't think I would. Yes, sure I would have loved to been one of the people who kissed in the new year with that special someone. But hey, that is not for me right now, and I am so okay with that. That doesn't mean that I have to act like a nun and vow solitude, cause I am not! As a matter of fact, I am definitely taking advantage of eharmony's "Free Communication Weekend" until Sunday! Yes, I have been communicating with a few people too! Leave no stone unturned! ;-)
I am absolutely chomping at the bit to get started on all the things I am going to do this year! I know, I know. We all do this at the beginning of the year, and by February it's back to the same old same old. I am certainly guilty! And guess what? That's just it!! To paraphrase a popular saying: I've kept doing the same things, so I keep getting the same thing...nothing! Or, to be more specific: stress, worry, unrest, illness, heartache, financial straits. So, you know, I don't wanna get that anymore, which means it's time to apply the wisdom that these past lessons have taught me! Even more important than that, is I have to finally stand and believe and act on the promises God has given me!!! Once I truly accept that He wants me to have these things - these desires of my heart (that He put there) - then I will follow the necessary path to get them.
I really am one of those that wants wealth and prosperity to be a blessing to others. Not just so I can go out and buy all designer clothes for me and the kids and then buy them anything and everything they want. Yes, I would like to get more for them than I do. I mean hey, you know that when it comes to needs I hit the second-hand stores before I try to even bargain-shop at the "new" stores! So that would be something I wouldn't mind changing, more new instead of second-hand clothing for the children. But, the bigger picture is I would like to be more of a giver to charitable causes. I would LOVE to be a faithful and generous contributor to St. Jude Hospital! I just love what they do, what they stand for, and that NO CHILD IS TURNED AWAY (even if they don't have ability to pay). I feel a big tug on my heartstrings in that area, because I feel so blessed with the healthy children that I have. I would love to also be a more generous tither and giver at my church and in my community. I would love to have the funds to sponsor a youth league sports team annually too. SO many things, so little money.
But I am believing God that this too shall pass. I have been working on my foundation for a few years now. Watering my bamboo seed faithfully everyday. I believe God's Word that it is about time for that tree to shoot out of the ground and grow to 60 feet this year!! And my prayer is the same for any who read these words! Amen!!
Subscribe To
Posts
All Comments
Showing posts with label general. Show all posts
Showing posts with label general. Show all posts
December 31, 2009
November 2, 2009
Happy Birthday Starr!!
She's 11 today. (Yes, that is Transformers. Yes, she picked it all by herself!)
I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. It started out a beautiful San Diego day as usual. I was relieved the weekend was over, and she wasn't born on Halloween! I was supposed to go in to work that day and fill in for someone else who was out. But I called my supervisor and told him I just couldn't do it, that I was so tired and I promised I would be in the next day. He later told me how HAPPY he was that I didn't come in that day after all!!
It would be another hour before I noticed the somewhat regular tightening of my abdomen.
My friend and next door neighbor called and I was surprised she was home that day. She said she had to take her cousin to court so she took the day off work. We were just talking as usual and chit-chatting. Meanwhile, I was packing my bag for the hospital and DJ's bag for the babysitter, unbeknownst to my neighbor! Finally after about an hour, I asked what time she had to go to court and she said it was that afternoon. I politely asked her if she would drive me to the hospital because I was in labor. She started panicking more than I was! "Why didn't you say anything? How long have you been having contractions? Are you ready to go now?"
I replied 'no' to the last question because I still had to call my babysitter Lisa to pick up DJ. I didn't have to ask her if he could stay with them while I was in the hospital, she told me he was!!
She didn't live far, so they were there pretty quickly, and my friend and I were off to the hospital.
I don't really remember much about the drive there. Just enjoying the sights of San Diego, as I always did. I went to a hospital called Mary Birch Hospital for Women, so they had their own triage 'ER'-type area for Labor and Delivery. I was in my little room patiently waiting, my friend left to get her cousin to court on time, promising me she would be back ASAP. I remember a nurse coming in to check my vitals and enter my info in the system, but another nurse came a little later to do it again since she wasn't seeing info in the computer next to me. They already had me hooked up to a monitor machine that kept track of my contractions as well as the baby's heartbeat. I knew it was a girl, due to a previous ultrasound, and I already knew what her name was. I gave her father a chance to help with the naming by agreeing to the middle name Monique, but since he wasn't really around like I felt he should have been, I went with Starr instead. No, I'm no hippie I swear. But my mom's nickname in her younger days was Starr, and I knew without her (though 2200 miles away), I couldn't have made it through that preganancy sane. So Starr it was!
Back to the story: When the 2nd nurse came in and noticed my info wasn't in the computer thing, she decided she would go ahead and "check me" just to see how far I was progressing. What they are "checking" is how far I (my cervix, to be exact) am dilated ( up to 10cm) and effaced (thinned out, percentage up to 100%). Fully dilated and effaced basically means the baby is coming any second and some pushing is gonna be happening in moments. For most women, without using drugs that is, this process is usually rather uncomfortable to downright painful. I can still say to this day that after 4 children, it never was for me. So, imagine the nurse's utter amazement when she discovers I am fully dilated and effaced and sitting there as calm as if were having tea with the Queen! I even hear her at the nurse's station telling the other nurses that I am calm and relaxed and even laughing with her, though I am fully dilated and effaced! A few nurses peeked in my room! Now that was hilarious! She even asked at one point if I could not laugh so loudly because she didn't want to make the other women feel bad!! LOL
They got me up to labor and delivery pretty quick, needlesstosay. The doctor had two C-sections to do before me, then he was on his way in. In the time it took him to do the first delivery, it was all I could do to keep Starr in! Ladies with children, you know what I mean about that urge to push! Men, think of a time when you really, really had to do #2 but had to hold it until you got where you were going. Got that feeling in your mind? Good, now take that and multiply it by 20!!
The nurse paged him a few times, because by now I was really uncomfortable because I was trying to resist the urge to push. She put this oxygen mask on me, which made things worse because I felt like I couldn't breathe then! Goofy, I know. Finally she begged me to just wait a second longer, and she found him then literally pulled him into the room and said, "Trust me, this won't take but a minute or two!" He said push twice and there she was!! Then the doc was gone. Starr was rather cranky and not easily consolable initially, even for a newborn. So the nurse gave her a bottle of formula, and she drank two ounces right from the womb!! The nurse swore she had never seen anything like that before!
The only thing I really remember about the hospital stay afterward was hoping Wayne would walk through the door. No luck, Army duty called. I also know I am not one of those mothers that want their baby to sleep in the room with them. Are you kidding?? I know for sure the next few months it's just gonna be me and the babies, so at least for these two nights I'll take advantage of someone else watching the baby while I sleep!
The day I came home from the hospital, I ended up at the airport that evening because my mom was on a plane out there! She stayed for two weeks. She had never been that far west and had NEVER seen the ocean in her almost 50 years then. What an awesome thing to have been a part of. She even made sure DJ was walking by the time she flew back home!
So that's the story of Starr's birth, and I do not regret a moment of it...or anyday we have spent being a part of each other's lives. I see so much of myself in her, and then some. I just want her to know there is NOTHING she cannot do, that the sky really is the limit. So much more in store for her, and I can't hardly wait to be a part of it!
Thank You Lord for the blessing you gave me 11 years ago today.
October 30, 2009
Better Than To Tell A Lie
Dante and I had a great talk to really clear the air from what happened in my last post. Part of it was that I was having a bad day and he knew I was having a bad day. So a part of my mind was like "see how much he cares about you"! But we cleared up alot. I asked the tough questions and got the honest answers. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but that I'm willing to deal with it for a minute longer until he decides where he wants to live. I tried to explain it to the BFF but I don't know how well I did. I know she doesn't like it and thinks that he should just be faithful (so do I), but sometimes life just isn't that simple. Hell, most times it's not.
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?
Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!
I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?
Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!
I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!
October 18, 2009
Preconceived Notions
Why do people insist upon passing judgments? I just don't understand that. Dante told me he talked to his father about me the other day. What's funny is his father's main question once he learned that I had four children was "Is she looking for someone to take care of them?"
WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???
What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.
You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!
As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.
Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!
WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???
What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.
You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!
As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.
Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!
September 14, 2009
Still Going Up!
Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!
August 19, 2009
Interesting Few Days
Such ups and downs, mentally and emotionally. And it actually has nothing to do with my relationship with Dante for once! Shocking, I know!
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.
Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...
August 10, 2009
School Shopping Blows...and other news
For the last two days, I have been clothes shopping for the delightful children. Total, minus shoes? $300!! Ouch!! Payless BOGO starts Tuesday, so that will be even more money. But I am definitely going to try and recoup some from Wayne at least. I finally got my tire fixed yesterday also, at the cost of choir day and choir rehearsal. I am so bummed about that. Not to mention another $200 for 2 tires (yep, just 2) and an oil change.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
OUCH!!
Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??
What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!
Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.
August 6, 2009
Summer is Winding Down
It doesn't look like there will be any more trips this summer for us. I'm glad we had such an awesome time at HolidayWorld last month!
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol
No, seriously!
Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.
I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.
Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?
I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.
July 21, 2009
School's Out!
Finals are over! Yay!! I did great on one (Spanish) and I am just praying for a 'C' on the other! I spent the day at Scott AFB taking the proctored (read: supervised) exams at their Park extension campus. Yes, many airmen. Yes, many men in their uniforms. Yes, there is something about a man in uniform. No, none of them looked as good to me as Dante does in his! I guess I really am sprung on this guy huh?
I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!
I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!
I'll let you know my grades when I know!
I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!
I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!
I'll let you know my grades when I know!
July 18, 2009
In a Good Place
I'm still in the same duplex, and I am fine with it. I looked and looked, I mean literally driving street to street. Nothing was fruitful. I was so stressed, it was all consuming. I talked to my neighbor one night coming home. She asked me did I have any luck yet finding a place. We basically shared each other's sentiment that there's nothing out there in a 3 bedroom in our budget and remotely close to our part of town. I know some may not understand it, but it's not easy to move when you have children and uproot them from their school. I thought I was stressed, she said she was having anxiety attacks about it. I knew at that point that I had to let it go and pray that whoever buys this place wants to fix it up a bit with the tenants still living here. That's my prayer and that's what I'm believing for.
School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.
I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.
The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.
Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!
School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.
I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.
The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.
Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!
July 11, 2009
Recovering
It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
Psychotic? Maybe a little.
Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.
Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.
I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.
Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?
Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....
It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!
I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.
So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.
July 3, 2009
Blessings From Above!!
So I was checking my email from Park and got an interesting email about an ACH refund being processed. So I went to check my bank account and lo and behold! There was a good size deposit in there!!! I wasn't even aware I was getting a Pell grant, but that's what it was! What a blessing!!!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!
Today was the good news I needed!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!
Today was the good news I needed!
July 2, 2009
Anxiety
Please bear with me today. I have a mountain of anxiety building up and I feel like this volcano is about to blow its top off soon.
Why so much anxiety? Well, I am supposed to be going on a trip with the kids and my sisters to Holiday World in a few days. As of today, I have the money. However, that money also needs to cover getting my car repaired (otherwise it's not 4-hr highway driveworthy), plus hotel, plus admission, PLUS gas, PLUS food. That would also leave me mostly broke for the rest of the week. But the thought of letting the kids down like that is just too much. There's also the fact that this is the first of the month, and I really need to start holding this money aside for either rent to my new bank landlord, or as a deposit for a new place. Speaking of new places, there's another piece of anxiety. I want to move into a house, and I want it to be here in the same school district, because I don't want my kids to have to change schools again. There is the anxiety of having to apply again for a home, knowing I will face the obstacle of non-traditional income. But I promise you this, I will make a way when that time comes...whether I am completely truthful or not. I have nowhere else to go.
There's the anxiety that my unemployemtn will run out sooner than later, and I must be able to replace that income. I do plan to remain a full time student, and I know I can live off that money but just barely. I do not plan to get rid of Sears so that could very well be an additional $700 or so a month, yet still not nearly enough. I know it's time to crap or get off the toilet. It's press time, it's time to relentlessly pursue clients and income. It doesn't help that everytime I have a serious conversation with the man I've been with for the past year and a half plus (and that I assume will lead to a longer-term commitment), I am reminded of my financial inadequacy. No, no, he doesn't say it directly. Well, except that one time he was mad. But, it's the constant reminder of him not wanting to "go backwards"...because his ex-wife didn't work for a large part of their marriage. What's annoying is that when we talked about how he felt about a housewife a few times previously, he said he had not problem with it. But it seems as things get more serious between us, he didn't really mean what he said. Now to get this straight, I am not expecting a white knight to come and rescue me and my children and completely take care of us (though I may not complain if it happens:) ). But the way I feel is this, there is no reason for a woman with no children to not be going to work everyday unless she is physically or mentally unable to. That statement may be a blow to women's lib or WHATEVER, but that's how I feel. Especially since now, I have to bear the ill-feelings of it.
Then there's the anxiety of him coming home, and what that will do to our relationship. Certain things I allowed because of the distance will no longer be okay with me. I'm not a casual dater, so I am hoping he realizes that there is a "goal" in mind for this relationship. Will we survive that? Some don't, that's just reality. I worry that he'll be so deadset against what he doesn't want based on his relationship with the ex that our relationship will become collateral damage.
Soon I will have some good news. I promise.
Why so much anxiety? Well, I am supposed to be going on a trip with the kids and my sisters to Holiday World in a few days. As of today, I have the money. However, that money also needs to cover getting my car repaired (otherwise it's not 4-hr highway driveworthy), plus hotel, plus admission, PLUS gas, PLUS food. That would also leave me mostly broke for the rest of the week. But the thought of letting the kids down like that is just too much. There's also the fact that this is the first of the month, and I really need to start holding this money aside for either rent to my new bank landlord, or as a deposit for a new place. Speaking of new places, there's another piece of anxiety. I want to move into a house, and I want it to be here in the same school district, because I don't want my kids to have to change schools again. There is the anxiety of having to apply again for a home, knowing I will face the obstacle of non-traditional income. But I promise you this, I will make a way when that time comes...whether I am completely truthful or not. I have nowhere else to go.
There's the anxiety that my unemployemtn will run out sooner than later, and I must be able to replace that income. I do plan to remain a full time student, and I know I can live off that money but just barely. I do not plan to get rid of Sears so that could very well be an additional $700 or so a month, yet still not nearly enough. I know it's time to crap or get off the toilet. It's press time, it's time to relentlessly pursue clients and income. It doesn't help that everytime I have a serious conversation with the man I've been with for the past year and a half plus (and that I assume will lead to a longer-term commitment), I am reminded of my financial inadequacy. No, no, he doesn't say it directly. Well, except that one time he was mad. But, it's the constant reminder of him not wanting to "go backwards"...because his ex-wife didn't work for a large part of their marriage. What's annoying is that when we talked about how he felt about a housewife a few times previously, he said he had not problem with it. But it seems as things get more serious between us, he didn't really mean what he said. Now to get this straight, I am not expecting a white knight to come and rescue me and my children and completely take care of us (though I may not complain if it happens:) ). But the way I feel is this, there is no reason for a woman with no children to not be going to work everyday unless she is physically or mentally unable to. That statement may be a blow to women's lib or WHATEVER, but that's how I feel. Especially since now, I have to bear the ill-feelings of it.
Then there's the anxiety of him coming home, and what that will do to our relationship. Certain things I allowed because of the distance will no longer be okay with me. I'm not a casual dater, so I am hoping he realizes that there is a "goal" in mind for this relationship. Will we survive that? Some don't, that's just reality. I worry that he'll be so deadset against what he doesn't want based on his relationship with the ex that our relationship will become collateral damage.
Soon I will have some good news. I promise.
June 25, 2009
A Day of Losses
Farrah Fawcett lost her 2 year battle with cancer this morning at 62 years of age.
Then, this afternoon and out-of-the-blue Michael Jackson collapsed and died today at the age of 50! He would have been 51 in a couple of months.
My prayers to their families for God's Comforting Hand to get them through this time. I keep thinking about poor Katherine losing her son. I know they'll be okay though, as long as they have God on their side.
Rest in Peace. Amen.
Then, this afternoon and out-of-the-blue Michael Jackson collapsed and died today at the age of 50! He would have been 51 in a couple of months.
My prayers to their families for God's Comforting Hand to get them through this time. I keep thinking about poor Katherine losing her son. I know they'll be okay though, as long as they have God on their side.
Rest in Peace. Amen.
June 22, 2009
This Has Not Been A Good Day
It started out okay. DJ went on his overnight camping trip. That was fine.
I found out I wouldn't get to make up a spanish quiz I missed Saturday. Not fine.
Work started out going well, then halfway through my shift my DSL croaked! I missed the last hour of that shift, no showed an hour and a half of the next shift before I was finally able to give up the rest of my hours that day. I have a service tech coming sometime tomorrow, since they couldn't solve the problem over the phone. Anytime between 8a-5p, which means I had to give up my shifts for tomorrow also. VERY, VERY NOT FINE.
Had a nice time at my friend Ann's house. She braided the girls' hair and we watched a couple of Tyler Perry movies. Turns out she and Dante went to all the same catholic schools growing up...and graduated the same year. Small world yet again!
Speaking of, Dante and I surely didn't end on a good note tonight. I asked him a question about some money that I loaned him and he just completely bit my head off!! My guess is that I upset him by asking about it (not for it, just about it), since it was hard for him to ask me in the first place. So what does he do, makes a crack about "that's why I need someone financially stable...."
Blah, blah, blah is all I heard after that. Needlesstosay, we didn't stay on the phone but a few more minutes after that. After I sat here for about 5 minutes, I called him back to kind of apologize if I made him feel uncomfortable by asking about it. Guess who didn't answer my call?!
That honestly hurt for him to say something so purposely cruel like that. So I told him just don't worry about it, I don't need it, and I'm not as financially destitute as he seems to think I am! Yeah, that was my reaction to what he said. Hurt and offended deeply.
None of us are perfect. I'll sleep on it and tomorrow's a new day.
I found out I wouldn't get to make up a spanish quiz I missed Saturday. Not fine.
Work started out going well, then halfway through my shift my DSL croaked! I missed the last hour of that shift, no showed an hour and a half of the next shift before I was finally able to give up the rest of my hours that day. I have a service tech coming sometime tomorrow, since they couldn't solve the problem over the phone. Anytime between 8a-5p, which means I had to give up my shifts for tomorrow also. VERY, VERY NOT FINE.
Had a nice time at my friend Ann's house. She braided the girls' hair and we watched a couple of Tyler Perry movies. Turns out she and Dante went to all the same catholic schools growing up...and graduated the same year. Small world yet again!
Speaking of, Dante and I surely didn't end on a good note tonight. I asked him a question about some money that I loaned him and he just completely bit my head off!! My guess is that I upset him by asking about it (not for it, just about it), since it was hard for him to ask me in the first place. So what does he do, makes a crack about "that's why I need someone financially stable...."
Blah, blah, blah is all I heard after that. Needlesstosay, we didn't stay on the phone but a few more minutes after that. After I sat here for about 5 minutes, I called him back to kind of apologize if I made him feel uncomfortable by asking about it. Guess who didn't answer my call?!
That honestly hurt for him to say something so purposely cruel like that. So I told him just don't worry about it, I don't need it, and I'm not as financially destitute as he seems to think I am! Yeah, that was my reaction to what he said. Hurt and offended deeply.
None of us are perfect. I'll sleep on it and tomorrow's a new day.
June 21, 2009
Gotta Get Back To Normal
Freaking out today. Because I haven't heard from Dante since yesterday afternoon. I missed his call last night at about 720p while I was outside at grandmother's house. I called back when I saw it at 8p but no answer home or cell. Sent a goodnight text message at 11p. Nada. He sent a good morning text at about 7a to say he had passed out last night, he just woke up but was still sleepy so he would "ttyl". Just because of the mood I'm in and the things I'm feeling I responded simply, "K".
I've called more than once to both phones and I've sent a text since then...and it's now 3P in the afternoon!
Of course I'm thinking he's with another woman!!! With all that I've told you....you would think it too! Could it be the 'hater' Shontell (real name cuz I don't care jack about her!)? Or perhaps it's the newest (or not as new as I think) player with the 'good morning baby' text I saw last week?
The world may never know....
I've got to get my head together! I can't live like this for the next 2 months!
I've called more than once to both phones and I've sent a text since then...and it's now 3P in the afternoon!
Of course I'm thinking he's with another woman!!! With all that I've told you....you would think it too! Could it be the 'hater' Shontell (real name cuz I don't care jack about her!)? Or perhaps it's the newest (or not as new as I think) player with the 'good morning baby' text I saw last week?
The world may never know....
I've got to get my head together! I can't live like this for the next 2 months!
June 20, 2009
Trying to Be Better
I have so much going on in my head right now. I'm a little better than I was the other day, but not much. Unfortunately, we had a conversation about 'most men' thinking a woman with four kids is "damaged goods". Of course he assured me that he doesn't think that way, but most of the men he's talked to wouldn't even give a woman with 4 kids the time of day. I assured him that I have no problem getting the time of day in the past or the present! Honestly, my hang up was more to do with the stigma I put on my own self, not anything someone else has said. I have never been rejected due to the amount of children I have.
I know that his intention was not to date a woman with children, as my intention was not to date a man that didn't have any. But, I feel like we are so good for each other that apparently we would've BOTH missed out had we held onto that belief!
In other news, I am torn on the workfront. There are now other opps coming up that I can possibly train for (if selected), but I don't know if I want to tie up so much of my time that way. If I have two opps, plus school, plus household, plus church responsibilities...then when would I have time for my business??? I have an opportunity to make more money with my business most definitely, so I know I should concentrate on that. So I'm trying to focus on that, and breaking down this fear factor I still have.
Plus, let's not forget that the possible sale date for this place is coming in less than two weeks. So that's a big peice of anxiety for me right now. I mean thankfully, because of the bill the prez passed, I wouldn't be forced to leave (if at all) until October at the earliest. That gives me some relief.
I'm just in a place of anxiety and discomfort right now, and I have to change what I can and accept what I can't. Right?
I know that his intention was not to date a woman with children, as my intention was not to date a man that didn't have any. But, I feel like we are so good for each other that apparently we would've BOTH missed out had we held onto that belief!
In other news, I am torn on the workfront. There are now other opps coming up that I can possibly train for (if selected), but I don't know if I want to tie up so much of my time that way. If I have two opps, plus school, plus household, plus church responsibilities...then when would I have time for my business??? I have an opportunity to make more money with my business most definitely, so I know I should concentrate on that. So I'm trying to focus on that, and breaking down this fear factor I still have.
Plus, let's not forget that the possible sale date for this place is coming in less than two weeks. So that's a big peice of anxiety for me right now. I mean thankfully, because of the bill the prez passed, I wouldn't be forced to leave (if at all) until October at the earliest. That gives me some relief.
I'm just in a place of anxiety and discomfort right now, and I have to change what I can and accept what I can't. Right?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3, 5-6
AMEN
June 18, 2009
I Finally Did It!
I joined choir at church today! I actually had a dream about going to choir practice on Friday night, and opened email on Saturday to tell me there would be an informational meeting on Sunday! You're right! I definitely took that as my cue!
What a huge commitment this will be! We have 3 services and the choir performs at all three on the 2nd and 4th Sunday of the month. Then after service, we have rehearsal from 1-3p! I told you, a big commitment! I'm ready though! God gave me the gift and I will use it to worship Him! I'm even stretching out farther by being a soprano!
Church was awesome today! The pastor is on a "Fear To Faith" series which is definitely hitting home! I've been using my iPod during church as my bible, which is so cool!
What a huge commitment this will be! We have 3 services and the choir performs at all three on the 2nd and 4th Sunday of the month. Then after service, we have rehearsal from 1-3p! I told you, a big commitment! I'm ready though! God gave me the gift and I will use it to worship Him! I'm even stretching out farther by being a soprano!
Church was awesome today! The pastor is on a "Fear To Faith" series which is definitely hitting home! I've been using my iPod during church as my bible, which is so cool!
June 8, 2009
Great and Informative Article
Oh, and the landlords never changed certain items addresses from my unit in the duplex (their former residence), that's how I get access to these things. Otherwise, I would have been dangerously in the dark until I got a notice to vacate on my darn door!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)