Working Through It All

I still don't quite have everything together, but I am making plans to get there. I am getting more and more disillusioned with my job, which is so bad for me. My goal is to request PT by December because I am making other monies.

I am diligently looking for great sources to not only find another income but perhaps a more lucrative and flexible career.

Other than that, personally I am really starting to evaluate myself and I know I am not ready to be Mrs. Anyone. But that's okay, because I don't have to be right now. That's what I was trying to get the New Guy to see. Getting together as an exclusive couple doesn't mean we HAVE TO get married. That's what the dating process is about. You go through the initial stages to see if this is someone you would perhaps marry. Then after learning more about them, the possibility seems more realistic. Then, you agree to love deeper into each other to see if a lifelong connection can be made. Sometimes, after all that, it's just not there. But you will never know that unless you try it. Take the pressure off, allow yourself an "out" if you realize the relationship is a no-go. Who knows what may happen...we shall see. We are supposed to see each other next Saturday night.

Pink Eye

The little girl has pink eye. Yep, my sister called me to let me the daycare called her. I didn't suspect a thing, because I saw no evidence this morning. Trust me...I am a pink eye queen! With four kids? Puh-leeze!!

Anyway this was right at 320p. Yes, that's right. 10 minutes before what time I should have been getting off work, had it not been for that "bee-otch" of a manager I have. Turns out, on our new schedules we get printed weekly with our pre-selected break and lunch times, it showed me working 930-6 on Thursday. Well, the guy that I switched with tells me yesterday that we need to switch starting today. I talked to the manager like 'Hey, too short notice. Other people have to plan around picking my kids up.'

Basically his response was 'Too bad, so sad. This is your regular shift and you will work it when we tell you to!"

So when I brought it to his attention that I needed to leave today, I made mention of that fact. Here I am now further extending my time in my department...thus further extending the late shift hours. So he allowed me to take LWOP (leave without pay), therefore not taking a hit on attendance. Then, the "bee-otch" sends a message thru the Kween saying "Don't ever say I haven't done anything for you". The nerve!!! But, whatever! I am so over that place!!

The Kween is off tomorrow so she is letting me work her 7a-330p shift. I totally dig the 330p part but the 7am part blows. I am too much of a night owl! I should be able to finish my book by then, so I can go on the the next one.

The big doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning. I hope to have some news by next week. This has been a good week though. The week after my cycle finally shuts off usually is. I actually feel normal for a little while.

We hung out at Leigh's house this evening, since she barbecued and also made sides for everyone to get plenty. Then we picked up Champagne's prescription before heading home for the evening about 9p. Boy did she cry bloody murder when the drops went in! But hopefully she'll be better soon.

I'm headed to bed...530a will be here before I know it.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to Can't Get Right and the New Guy. Yes, they have the same birthday.



Interesting combination huh?



Can't Get Right came over today to see Starr since I told him she was very excited about his birthday. She had actually been counting down for a week! We also had a conversation, because he said he noticed something different in me. He said he could tell my love for him had changed.

So I proceeded to explain my relationship with the New Guy and how I felt about him. I told him that I had to let go of the possibility of...for real this time. I realized that it's not fair to anyone else for me to be pining over one person while trying to give my whole self to someone else. I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, would you?

I am glad that we had that talk today. We really needed to after the phone incident. So, I think we are okay now...even better than before. We have finally come to that next level of understanding. I'm happy and so is he with out new relationship. He wants to make his priority falling in love with his kids and not with some woman. I will do my part to keep him on his path.

As for the New Guy, the ball is totally in his court. Though I did offer to cook him dinner...

Just a Quick Note to Say...

I haven't heard from him since I talked to him the other day.

In case you were wondering.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have had some physical issues in the "women's department" that have gotten me concerned. I won't say too much more than that at this point, but I am seriously concerned. I just ask you to put me in your prayers that all is well. Since I am absolutely positive that prayer changes things, I will let you know when all is well again.

(sending you all cyber-hugs)

It's Almost That Time Again

I know I am no different from many people out there, but I really don't look forward to going back to work after this vacation. One main reason is I know that Monday will probably be my last day working 7-330p. It will then be back to 930-6p...indefinitely. I am torn between going across the hall to full-service and leaving the company completely. Since I am planning to purchase a home next year, I am leaning towards staying put for the job stability thing. I just hope that if I do decide to switch within the next couple of months, it will be worth it in the long run.

I am in the process of refocusing my attentions to me and what I want to do with my life. I am tired of feeling as if I am merely existing, and not living. It is most definitely how I feel. I haven't gotten my degree, and I have really wanted to. I am so far into debt right now, not from frivolous purchases of shoe fetishes and clothes, but just trying to make ends meet. Robbing Peter to pay Paul, as the saying goes. That pretty much describes my life!

Let's not forget about my sincere and deep desire to both work from home, and then ultimately starting and running my own successful business. It sounds so simple to say Just Do It. But honestly, Nike had the right idea. There will always be a reason why you shouldn't do something. We can truly talk ourselves out of anything. I know, since I've started doing just that over the last few years! There was a time when I thought everything was possible, and I acted accordingly. But now, it's like I built my own ceiling that I will not let myself exceed. That's okay, because I am on my way to reprogramming that!

In other news, I finally got the girls' beds put together. Cody and I hung out yesterday aftertoon. He was trying to get the last part to finish putting his car (the PimpMobile as I call it) back together. He has changed the radiator 3 times this week and apparently the 3rd time was the charm. He bought me barbecue from some place as we were headed back. Sure I could've put the beds together myself, but hey if I had a friend that could do it, why not?! I really enjoy hanging out with him, but not like as a relationship or anything of the sort. It's not even in any danger of turning into that!!! Because we talk about our relationships, I know who he is really nuts about...even when he didn't. And he knows all about the New Guy (the ups and downs), so he knows where my heart is too. I try to give advice from a woman's point of view, and just like a know-it-all man, he totally ignores me! And I will ask his opinion from a man's perspective, if need be. If someone saw us, they could easily mistake us as siblings (though we don't look alike at all) because we constantly go back and forth! But it's good having that no-pressure feeling, someone to hang with, without any sexual or relational expectations!

SoloMommy breathes a sigh of relief.

It Ain't Over

Well...guess who I got to talk to the other night???? Yes...I really did.

The New Guy!!!

I know, I know. I was talking all big and bad about him and it being over! I admit, I do not like the emotional roller coaster I was on, so that was true. What wasn't true is that I was glad he was out of my life. I came across a picture of him and the WonderTwins that we took the day we went on the Grafton Ferry, and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought about that last email I sent him and how harsh it was. Heck, I wouldn't have called me or emailed me after that email! So I called and left a VM (after talking to him briefly about not supposed to be answering the phone) that said the door was being opened and I missed him.
We ended up talking on the phone that evening for about 40 minutes. He's still scared, but he did admit he thought about me and still cared about me.

That was a good thing!

My vacation has begun...

Woo-hoo!!! I know the next four days are gonna fly by, but I am really gonna try and get some things accomplished!

Men and Women

Current mood: Irritated

Men vs Women....Women vs Men! It has gotten really old to me. If a man is not seeing his child the way he should, the men automatically assume it's something the woman did. Why can't the man just be trifling and selfish all by himself!!!???

Lately I have encountered a new breed of men (for me at least). I have encountered men who actually take a serious and active role in raising their non-custodial children. Also, I have come across those who are full-time custodial parents. Now, for me, that's just weird! But I am very impressed and refreshed to see men - particularly black men - taking their parental responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to have a conversation with these same men sometimes, because they think differently. How? Let me explain.

Non-custodial fathers who belive in taking very active roles in their children's lives usually have trouble with the children's mothers. It's that same theory that one good person ends up matching or mating with one that's not-so-good. Ever seen a really nice guy with a woman who is a real barracuda (for lack of using the other b-word)? Or vice-versa, seeing a really sweet woman with a player/jackass? That rule still applies when children have been produced.

So then those fathers tend to see things a bit differently based on their experiences. Here are men who actually want to spend time with their children, but the mothers make it difficult (sometimes VERY difficult). Well, when these men talk to another woman who mentions that their children's fathers don't spend time with the children, they automatically assume it's that woman's fault!

Preacherman actually asked me that just recently! I told him that just as quickly as the WonderTwins father appeared, wanting to be in their life, he disappeared again. Preacherman's response to me? "What did you do?" I swear to you, I saw red! Roy(real name) is just a loser. A very self-involved loser. Can't Get Right is just about the same. Starr was so excited to call him for Father's Day, but his phone was turned off so she left a voicemail. Do you know he never called her back???? These are people who are way more involved in themselves and their own lives than the offspring that they produced.

I chatted with the Commander for quite a while yesterday also. While we talked about several subjects, this one came up as well. Now the Commander is a complete oddball in my world, he is a full-time single father. But, that wonderful fact is offset by the fact that he is so negative towards single mothers. It's like we are all put in the same category, just out here having babies to get some man's money. That's wrong, very wrong, and it gets old feeling as if I have to defend myself all the time. I have four children by three different fathers, what about that makes me a bad mother? I will grant you irresponsible, but I take my role as their mother VERY SERIOUSLY. I'm not still trying to hang out in the clubs, or make sure my hair and nails are done knowing they need shoes. I put my needs and wants on the back burner so they are taken care of. What about that makes me a bad mother? I didn't think so!

Because of the crappy relationship with my 'papa-was-a-rolling-stone' father, I would much prefer to have a man that makes a priority spending time with the children we produced, rather than cashing a check every month. Honestly, I can make it without the child support that comes to me every month. BUT, the men I reproduced with don't see it that way, and why should he get off scott free when both of us laid down to make the baby? I did Can't Get Right a favor by NOT filing child support, but did he EVER really spend time with Starr, buy a birthday or Christmas present, show UP for her birthday parties, CALL HER to say 'hi', or anything that parents who care do? Heck no. Ok, so then you need to be responsible for your creation financially since you won't be the father that she needs.

Yeah, yeah men, call me wrong or whatever you want! But I take care of my responsibility. Mama's baby, daddy's maybe. That's what it's like in my world. I wish for better, but I can't change a grown man's behavior.

I also wish I didn't have to explain or defend my actions because of the women out there who are not on the up and up when it comes to kids. I actually met a guy who's BM was mad at him because he was so involved in their daughter's life! She just doesn't realize how blessed she is. I never deny my ex-husband access to DJ...never. Even when we as a family had something planned. If he called and said he wanted to pick him up, then DJ went and we just missed him at whatever family functions I had already planned. The WonderTwins do not know Roy at all, so I am not going to just tell a 4 and 3 year old "Hey that's your father, go with him, and mommy will see you later." NO! He is a stranger, and he should be willing to take the time to get to know them since he voluntarily stayed out of their life for so long. Apparently he wasn't, so it's just a bad situation all the way around. I don't even have a way to reach him since his phone number got disconnected quite a few months ago.

But, I will do my part and try to find him, I think I know a few ways. I will also talk to Can't Get Right (though I am upset with him about the phone thing, but that's grown folks mess and nothing to do with him and Starr) about doing better to be there. Even if it means calling her once a week, that's a 100% improvement on what he has done thusfar.

So, for the sake of my children, I will guide these grown men as if they were children, until they realize they are actually adults and this is what they should be doing anyway. My prayer is that they end up with better father-child relationships than I ever had. The superficial relationship my father and I had disentigrated when I got tired of pursuing him. I pray all of my children have relationships that last a lifetime.

It's Almost Vacation Time!

I work a full day tomorrow and Monday, then I will be on vacation the rest of the week!

Woo!!!

Started reading an awesome new book entitled Millionaire Women by Jeanne Torrence Hauer. Did you know the founder of Two Men and a Truck is a woman? The "two men" were her sons making money throughout high school! How completely cool is that? And the icing on the cake? She was a solo-mommy too!!!

Told you single motherhood has it's privileges!

Happy Wednesday!

It's awesome working this early schedule! Even when I am stuck and have to stay late, it's only like 4P!!!! I am going to hate giving it back!

I am still in such a transitional state right now. I really have to start writing offline to determine what i want to tackle first and in what order. I want to lose weight, at least 30 pounds. I don't like the way I look from the neck down. I don't like the way my clothes fit. I don't like the fact that my GUT sticks out a little farther than my boobs! I want to get my financials in order, stop living paycheck to paycheck. Actually have a savings account with at least 3 figures, on its way to four. Have a retirement account. Have a significant life insurance policy. Eliminate all excess debt. I want to be better at prayer. I want to find a church where I and my kids can grow. I want to live a life as pleasing to God as mortally possible. I want to be responsible for my own income, by starting and successfully operating my own business. I don't want to be merely self-employed, I want to give myself permission to be financially independent!

I had the most awesome thing happen to me yesterday. I am very moved by music, as I've said before. My life is it's own soundtrack. There is a literally a song I know that applies to every aspect of my life. I was listening to Kirk Franklin's Hero CD on my way to Aldi on break from work. Track number 11 is Entitled "BrokenHearted", and is among my favorites on there. Just revelling in the words is so spiritually uplifting for me. I had the radio BLASTING on the way back and I "caught the Holy Ghost" as we say where I come from. I felt so awesome by the time I got back to work! My eyes were red and I was still snifflinf from crying. My body was completely physically spent. Yet at the same time, I was totally renewed and rejuvenated!!!

I tell you the truth: If you don't know already, God is awesome! If you haven't "tried" Him, I guarantee there is NONE BETTER!!! The marvelous thing about God is that even in the low points of life, He can keep your head lifted up! But, He is a gentleman. He will not force His way into your world, He waits patiently for you.

But don't get Him twisted though....He will send you "hints" and "attention-getters" on occasion, and sometimes they're not so nice. But He always know what's best, just trust Him.

We continue tomorrow!

So Much for Friends

On July 4th, my cell phone was disconnected. No, it wasn't because I didn't pay the bill or anythig like that. Can't Get Right had it permanently disconnected. How? Let me go back to the beginning.

When my phone with T-Mobile got turned off last year, I was screwed. I couldn't a cell line with Sprint in my name thanks to the WonderTwins sperm donor leaving me with a $1200 balance. T-Mobile lied to me on more than one occasion, so when I had the money to get my line back, they pulled something bogus. So I walked away from them. There was one person I knew I could call that would help me out, and that was Can't Get Right (known as The One back then). Sprint told him they needed $125 deposit for the line. He came up to my job, got the money, paid it at the store, and came back with my activated phone. I paid the bill and he did too. So, for the record, I wasn't just mooching off of him. But then the complaints started some months back everytime the bill came due. I knew once a month I would get a call from him about the damn bill. I could call him everyday for a week straight and not get him. But I knew, when the bill was due he'd be calling! This I began to dread.

I honestly don't know what happened. I was doing the girls' and my hair on the 4th, and missed several calls, one was from him. I called my mom back and a few minutes later when I tried to call Leigh back it gave the strangest message. I have dealt with a disconnected Sprint cell before, so if you try to make a call it just directs you to customer service to make a payment. This recording basically told me I wasn't even on the network!!! That told me he - for reasons unknown - permanently disconnected my line.

I called him at work to try and find out what happened. He called back and immediately started talking about his back and whatever. But by that time I was so THROUGH WITH HIM that he didn't even stop talking long enough to realize I don't freakin' care anymore! I have always been in his corner, even as DEAD ASS WRONG as he does our daughter --- scratch that --- MY daughter. The daughter who called him on Father's Day and left a voicemail and he never even called her back! I was worried about him, and would check on him when he was going through all the kidney issues and was trying to help with the back issues. So he repays me by turning off my phone, knowing I don't have a home phone either? He can kiss my wide, voluptuous, chocolate @$$!!!! I'm done. I wish him no ill-will, but the love I had in my heart all this time for him is gone. I finally see him for the selfish bastard he really is. And dammit, I love ME and MY DAUGHTER way more than anything I ever had for him! The likelihood of him getting my number is not very good at this point. We no longer have anything to discuss.

I am able to get a phone through Sprint that's coming in the mail next week. My mom put up the money for the deposit cause she couldn't bear the thought of me being without a phone for too long. It comes with a free pink Katana, which I will sell to the Kween for her daughter, and then activate my Treo on the new line.

Everything will be just fine. It will all work itself out in the end, and me and the kids will be okay.

Current book reading: Millionaire Women Next Door.

I made a Date!

Yeah, I know. Big news right? As if it's so hard for me to get a date! This is a friend from about two years ago that I met on yahoo personals, around the same time I met the PsychoRev. I chose the PsychoRev. Wow can I pick 'em!!!

His name is Henry. He's 6 foot 6, just turned 40, and has a daughter that he has joint custody of. He owns his own home and drives a nice car. He had been working at one of the local auto plants, but it's shut down until September. So, he's coasting on unemployment right now. I know he's not in a rush to do anything relationship-wise, so that makes us a good match at this point. I just want something to do, and someone to hang out with when I want to hang out. Henry fits that bill just dandy. He lives in North St. Louis (don't they all, apparently?) and I've visited him before. But, it was so long ago, I don't remember totally how to get there. I'll get directions when it's time.

I've got other stuff to tell about me and what's been happening, but I figured I would make this post specifically about me actually having a date in the near future! Gotta go!

Transformers Rules

Because I am a totally big KID at heart, I have been waiting on the Transformers live action movie since last year.

I was so not disappointed!!! They put together a wonderful cast and story, and I can't wait to own it! It is right up there with Armaggeddon (also directed by Michael Bay) and Independence Day for me...which now means I have a 3-way tie for my favorite movie! Yeah, I loved it that much.

Favorite song right now is Get Me Bodied by Beyonce. Enjoy the full-length video compliments of YouTube.

This was done June 26, 2007

I am posting this as I typed it a few days ago - when I was without internet:


Okay, so I chatted with the New Guy for a second tonight. I guess I have no choice but to get over him. There was so much I wanted to say to him but I refrained. It was hard. I think I actually broke a sweat.
We did the general chat for a second. He asked me how the move went and I told him fine. I asked how the job was going. He said he was in Cape Girardeau at a hotel and was lonely. I thought it neat that for the second I was online he was online too. The oddity was I was at my sister's house on her computer. My cable and internet will not be on until Saturday, so I just happened to be online at her house. He didn't get the cutesy humor in it...or didn't really care. Either way, it got under my skin. Something about the complete disregard for my feelings rubbed me the wrong way. So, then he said he was going to go get something to eat. My response was simply 'K....talk to you whenever'
He didn't like that very much. He 'virtually' stuck his tongue out at me!
I just told him I was hurt and I didn't understand what happened.
What was his response? After a long delay I got this: 'ok...I gotta go'
I signed out immediately. That really pissed me off.
I have to get over him. I can't see him recovering from this. I can't see me recovering from this. His complete disregard for my feelings over the past few months is just too much. I'm not crazy enough to say 'Never', but it would be a really hard sell on his part.
I'm tired. When does it get easy?

Your Alter-Ego can be a Good Thing

Have you ever heard the mega-star Beyonce talk about her alter-ago, Sasha? I just learned of Sasha a few weeks ago and, by jove, that's the most awesome thing in the universe!!!

You didn't know about Sasha? Well, let me enlighten you!

Beyonce actually lists herself as a pretty quiet and reserved person. However, there is NO WAY she could have achieved the level of superstardom - and subsequent persecution - without a pretty thick skin. Well, her answer to that has to do with when she goes on stage. She basically transforms herself into the diva-esque, no-holds-barred, singing-and-dancing-machine known as Sasha. In watching her in this on youtube today, I saw the difference.

I said all this to say what, you ask? Well if B can do it, then I don't feel so crazy admitting I have one myself.

Ok.......two.

There is the evil and ornery me, who I have always referred to as Toni. I've known about her since I was at least in my early teens. She didn't come out often, but hells bells when she did!!! She is like my champion, you know. When I have been hurt, she is the one to go and avenge my heartbreak. Kind of like Nikki/Jessica on Heroes, I suppose. I am trying my best to keep her at bay, but occasionally, I do let her out...so she doesn't tear me up inside.

The other I acquired last year I believe, while dealing with the PsychoRev. Her name is Nisi. Nisi is very devillish and um...well.....she's the vixen. That's about as politely as I can say it, without being crass. (think '304' on your nearest calculator) Nisi did some pretty scandalous things last year, even for my standards. But, all experiences have made me wiser and stronger, and I can finally say I am grateful for them. I was hoping to keep Nisi satiated with a trusted friend of mine but apparently I missed my window of opportunity. (A girl can still hope though....) There are always other options, and believe me, I know Nisi will find them!

Where did the names come from? My middle name is Tonise. You get it?

I promise I am not insane! Really! I don't speak about them in the third person or anything like that! I just know they are there and, like B and Sasha, they help me get through some of the rough patches.

Do you have an alter-ego? It's okay, you can tell me, it'll just be between us!

Friends You Can Depend On

I called my friend Cody because I needed my kids' beds put together, and noone else was able to help. Well, his car is still not running so I agreed to pick him up. He lives in St. Louis, and I'm in Belleville, but he did give me gas money. He didn't have to, since he was doing me a favor, so that was cool.

Well, by the time we got back to the house, all the kids were knocked out in the car. So that kind of defeated the purpose of the evening. I wanted him to put some stuff in the attic for me as well, but the entrance to the attic is in the girls' room, so we couldn't do that either.

So, we chilled for the evening, since this is only the 2nd time we'd seen each on person since about 10 years ago. We just caught up face-to-face on each other's lives. I told him about the ending to the sitch (situation) with The New Guy. He was telling me his latest baby momma issues. There is always something going on there! Well, he knows how to pick 'em is all I can say. But hell, who am I to talk? Look at the cream of the crop I ended up with?!

It's always good being around people that I can totally be myself with though. Like Robin Thicke says on his hit 'Lost Without U', they "love me and all my dirty". He just lets me be me. I don't feel judged or persecuted for the good or the bad things that I have ever done. Most of my friends are like family that way. Now they will keep me in check when need be. But as far as always feeling judged or like I'm on trial, that's a no.

So anyway, Cody and I got the boys' beds put up this morning and the girls' beds should be done by Tuesday. Eventually, I will get the other rooms straightened out. I had big plans to have it done this weekend but, after the stuff with the New Guy I just didn't have it in me.

The bright side to the ending of the relationship is that I won't have to deal with that up and down emotional roller coaster again. I am very proud of me for taking a stand for myself and my feelings.

Aren't you?