Men and Women

Current mood: Irritated

Men vs Women....Women vs Men! It has gotten really old to me. If a man is not seeing his child the way he should, the men automatically assume it's something the woman did. Why can't the man just be trifling and selfish all by himself!!!???

Lately I have encountered a new breed of men (for me at least). I have encountered men who actually take a serious and active role in raising their non-custodial children. Also, I have come across those who are full-time custodial parents. Now, for me, that's just weird! But I am very impressed and refreshed to see men - particularly black men - taking their parental responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to have a conversation with these same men sometimes, because they think differently. How? Let me explain.

Non-custodial fathers who belive in taking very active roles in their children's lives usually have trouble with the children's mothers. It's that same theory that one good person ends up matching or mating with one that's not-so-good. Ever seen a really nice guy with a woman who is a real barracuda (for lack of using the other b-word)? Or vice-versa, seeing a really sweet woman with a player/jackass? That rule still applies when children have been produced.

So then those fathers tend to see things a bit differently based on their experiences. Here are men who actually want to spend time with their children, but the mothers make it difficult (sometimes VERY difficult). Well, when these men talk to another woman who mentions that their children's fathers don't spend time with the children, they automatically assume it's that woman's fault!

Preacherman actually asked me that just recently! I told him that just as quickly as the WonderTwins father appeared, wanting to be in their life, he disappeared again. Preacherman's response to me? "What did you do?" I swear to you, I saw red! Roy(real name) is just a loser. A very self-involved loser. Can't Get Right is just about the same. Starr was so excited to call him for Father's Day, but his phone was turned off so she left a voicemail. Do you know he never called her back???? These are people who are way more involved in themselves and their own lives than the offspring that they produced.

I chatted with the Commander for quite a while yesterday also. While we talked about several subjects, this one came up as well. Now the Commander is a complete oddball in my world, he is a full-time single father. But, that wonderful fact is offset by the fact that he is so negative towards single mothers. It's like we are all put in the same category, just out here having babies to get some man's money. That's wrong, very wrong, and it gets old feeling as if I have to defend myself all the time. I have four children by three different fathers, what about that makes me a bad mother? I will grant you irresponsible, but I take my role as their mother VERY SERIOUSLY. I'm not still trying to hang out in the clubs, or make sure my hair and nails are done knowing they need shoes. I put my needs and wants on the back burner so they are taken care of. What about that makes me a bad mother? I didn't think so!

Because of the crappy relationship with my 'papa-was-a-rolling-stone' father, I would much prefer to have a man that makes a priority spending time with the children we produced, rather than cashing a check every month. Honestly, I can make it without the child support that comes to me every month. BUT, the men I reproduced with don't see it that way, and why should he get off scott free when both of us laid down to make the baby? I did Can't Get Right a favor by NOT filing child support, but did he EVER really spend time with Starr, buy a birthday or Christmas present, show UP for her birthday parties, CALL HER to say 'hi', or anything that parents who care do? Heck no. Ok, so then you need to be responsible for your creation financially since you won't be the father that she needs.

Yeah, yeah men, call me wrong or whatever you want! But I take care of my responsibility. Mama's baby, daddy's maybe. That's what it's like in my world. I wish for better, but I can't change a grown man's behavior.

I also wish I didn't have to explain or defend my actions because of the women out there who are not on the up and up when it comes to kids. I actually met a guy who's BM was mad at him because he was so involved in their daughter's life! She just doesn't realize how blessed she is. I never deny my ex-husband access to DJ...never. Even when we as a family had something planned. If he called and said he wanted to pick him up, then DJ went and we just missed him at whatever family functions I had already planned. The WonderTwins do not know Roy at all, so I am not going to just tell a 4 and 3 year old "Hey that's your father, go with him, and mommy will see you later." NO! He is a stranger, and he should be willing to take the time to get to know them since he voluntarily stayed out of their life for so long. Apparently he wasn't, so it's just a bad situation all the way around. I don't even have a way to reach him since his phone number got disconnected quite a few months ago.

But, I will do my part and try to find him, I think I know a few ways. I will also talk to Can't Get Right (though I am upset with him about the phone thing, but that's grown folks mess and nothing to do with him and Starr) about doing better to be there. Even if it means calling her once a week, that's a 100% improvement on what he has done thusfar.

So, for the sake of my children, I will guide these grown men as if they were children, until they realize they are actually adults and this is what they should be doing anyway. My prayer is that they end up with better father-child relationships than I ever had. The superficial relationship my father and I had disentigrated when I got tired of pursuing him. I pray all of my children have relationships that last a lifetime.