Saying Goodbye

So, now that I have officially exited the other house, I have a few fond memories of it.

 

Yes, they do have to do with sex.

 

Yes, I am going to tell you.

 

But first I will tell you my least fond memory of the house. The day my baby boy fell down the steps. I think I blogged about it. I’ll check when my internet is up at home.

 

My most vivid – but not fond- memory of sex in that house was in the beginning when the PsychoRev came to hit it one last time. He was in a bad emotional state (supposedly) and was contemplating ending his life that night. Before this, I already knew he was emotionally off balance. He wanted to come over and I really didn’t want him to, but ‘what if’ you know? I just couldn’t take that chance. So I let him come over at about 2am. I remember saying a prayer before I opened the door. I figure if he was suicidal, he could have been homicidal as well, and I just didn’t want my kids to find me dead in the morning. But, I let him in.

 

We went straight upstairs to the bedroom and had sex like we usually did. Definitely not bad sex but I just couldn’t get into it. Thank goodness this was one of those times the lights were off and it was dark, so he couldn’t see the tears wetting my face. I was actually afraid. So I let the detached me (known as Nisi, short for my middle name Tonise) go through this with him. Everything turned out fine, he left later that morning, and life moved on. Whew.

 

I made love to The One/Can’t Get Right in that house. We don’t have sex…it’s something way deeper than that. But it’s not good for me, so I don’t do it and haven’t done it in quite a while. I have done a darn good job of suppressing those 10year deep emotions, and will not sabotage that for physical gratification! He’s not mine, he’s still technically married, we are NOT together, and that’s that!!

 

The New Guy and I even had some beautiful moments in that house. The best being non-sexual. All the times we were intimate non-sexually. Just sleeping together, playing Scene It with the kids watching, laying on the couch watching Discovery Channel……

Okay, I’m getting upset thinking about him and how he totally SCREWED UP A PERFECTLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! So I must move on.

 

The most fond memory of all in that house is…..unexplainable. In all my experiences….EVER…..it was the best……EVER. From the couch to the steps to the bed to the chair in my room……WOW. Yes, I did say steps. I wonder will I ever in life be that lucky again. It’s great that I can replay it in my head when I need to, but watching it on a 32-inch TV wouldn’t be so bad either! I’m a Scorpio, what do you expect?

 

I am hoping to be that lucky again…and not before I’m too old to remember what’s like. Come to think of it….not too far from now wouldn’t hurt either.

Once again…..I’m a Scorpio…I have wants and I have needs! My problem is, they are usually the same. And if I can’t have what I want I would rather do without! Damn the astrological chart!!!!

I Moved

Yes!!! Be excited for me…I am out of the slumlord’s house!!

 

As with all change, I am worried that I jumped from the frying pan into fire. But that’s a natural ‘What if I made the wrong decision’ reaction.

 

My rent is lower which makes me happy. The kids – for the most part – are pleased with the move. Yes, they have some adjusting to do.

 

Bruzer was caught in the act by his auntie of fighting the teacher at school yesterday! Yes the Officer caught him hitting the teacher! My child! Hitting a teacher!!! In preschool!!!!

 

This is when that annoying little voice in the back of my head says “You should have stopped at 3!” LOL

But Hell, what fun would that be?

 

I called and talked to the teacher to get the skinny on what the heck happened. Apparently he had a bit of a meltdown after I left, and decided to go lay at the front door of the daycare center on the mat (can we say EWWWWWW?) sucking his beloved thumb. When the teacher discovered him and tried to get him back to the classroom, he went into full-on rage. This is right about the time the Officer was walking up. Yeah, it was on!

 

I talked to him last night and this morning. Okay threatened really, but hey whatever works, right? My mom even told him that if behaved that way again, he wouldn’t be able to buy a motorcycle when he got big. That was H-U-G-E to a 3 year old with an obsession with motorcycles!

 

I did also explain to his victim…err, teacher….that we just moved this weekend and the past few weeks since summer started I have been slacking on bedtimes. Trust me, these are not excuses but actual reasons. His behavior is completely unacceptable to me, and I don’t cut much slack on such behavior.

 

I won’t have my internet at home for another couple of days, so by the weekend, I will have several update posts that I’ve been writing at home offline.

This one I emailed from work. Ain’t technology beautiful!?

 

The Funniest Shoe-Shopping Event Ever!!!

So, it’s BOGO time at Payless, and I literally could not stand to look at Starr’s shoes one more day. Seriously, when we got home I wouldn’t even let her take the old tennis shoes to her room! I told her to put them straight in the trash!

I ended up going to Payless 2 days in a row. No, I am not balling like that (it’s Payless remember)! I went for Starr and then the next day remembered Bruzer really needed shoes too. The first day, I picked Starr up from summer camp early so she and I could go together. DJ is staying this whole week with his father, he will be home tonight. So, she and I enjoyed time to ourselves, without the distraction of the WonderTwins.

The fun began on the second day when I went with WonderTwins in tow. My oldest sister is out of town this week (if I haven't mentioned that already) so my mom picked up the kids the last three days. Well, on Wednesday she took them to McD's for Happy Meals. By the time I get off work and out to the parking lot where they were, they had drank all their juice and were just finishing up their food.

You know where this is going...don't you?

One thing about me when I get in shopping mode, I don't like to be distracted. Yeah me...Ms ADD herself, doesn't like to be distracted! Honestly, I HATE grocery shopping with my kids for the most part, though it is usually not avoidable. Oh no no, don't get me wrong. I don't have those kids. They will literally get beat down in the middle of the store, with no fear of legal interference! Okay, not beat down (for all you sensitive folks). But, the rod of correction will NOT be spared! It's not always needed, but if it is, it is well used.

Anyway back to the shopping. Five minutes into the store, Bruzer has to go to the bathroom.

"Mommy, I have go potty." "Can you hold it?" "No." "Fine, come on!"

Yes, I am visibly annoyed, but I try to keep my composure. Okay, back to shopping.

Ten minutes later, I hear this: "Mommy, I have go potty so bad." Yes! Bruzer again, saying this through clenched teeth as he was using all of his 3 year old might to hold it in! Mind you, he really did use it when we went a few minutes earlier.

Sidebar to note: Champagne also had to go in between his two trips. Of course they didn't have to go at the same time! That would have made things easy for me!!

So after another six pairs of shoes today at about $40, added to the six pairs the day before totalling about $60. Yes, I even got two pairs! Starr ended up with 4 pairs. Bruzer got 3 pairs. Champagne got 2 pairs. DJ even got a pair in his absentia! We finally left without any more trips to the facilities. Starr? Nah! She's like her momma, she can hold it all day!

Since the kids had eaten I decided to stop at Lion's Choice for a serious roast beef sandwiches. I felt Bruzer kicking the back of my seat as I waited on my food. So I turned around and his face was contorted in a combination of agony, determination, and fear. I asked what was wrong.

"I have to go potty so bad, Mommy." Clenched teeth again. Still haven't gotten my sandwich yet...what to do???

There it was in the cupholder! An empty McD's cup I had recently taking from Champagne! I have limo tinted windows in the back of my van so I did what I had to do.

"Starr, undo your brother's seat belt!" "Okay, pull down the front of your shorts and underwear. No! Just the front, buddy!" The pee has seeped through the front of his soccer shorts now. "Okay just pull em down and here!"

Yes, he basically mooned his sister (Champagne) since his bottoms were pulled down to his ankles....and he was standing right in front of her! Me saying 'here!' was sticking the cup directly over his "stuff" to catch the pee!

Okay, thank goodness after he was done is when she handed me my food bag! I drove around the corner to a parking spot. I told Bruzer to take off the wet clothes, and psuedo-wrapped his bottom in his swim/beach towel! Then, after getting out to pour the liquid into the grass, I readjusted his seat straps and put him back in his car seat!

Thank GOD we didn't have an accident in the five minutes it took to get home! Can you imagine how awkward that would have been to explain? Yeah, I shudder and laugh at the same time just thinking about it!!!

So, everytime I look at their new shoes, I will think of my half-naked child peeing in a McDonald's cup in the Lion's Choice drive thru!!!!

Disappointed

Yeah, it's late I know. But my brain is going in a bajillion different directions right now. Totally attention deficit at its finest.

So why disappointed? You know why? I just can't get him out of my head (or heart for that matter). Then there's that uber-logical side of me that's saying "It doesn't make sense" over and over in the back of my mind.

We talked about this stuff. We talked about what we had been through. We talked about what we wanted. We talked about what we didn't want. We talked about taking it a bit slower than we had in the past.

"It doesn't make sense."

A bit slower would be in direct contrast to the snail's pace we've been progressing at the past few months, by the way.

"It doesn't make sense."

I thought I had really found something. I thought we had really found something in each other. I haven't felt that way about anyone since Can't Get Right/The One....and you know that man had my heart on a timeshare for almost a decade!

"It doesn't make sense."

You know what? I know there was something special between us, and he knew it too! That's why he totally freaked out and froze up! I gave him time to himself to think things through, and he made a grave error. He ventured into the arena of overthinking! This means that he was so busy thinking about the 'what-ifs' and the very logistics of us being together (kids, school, church, relocation, money, etc) and not talking it out with me, he stopped moving forward in the relationship. But dammit, talking and communication was one of our strong suits! He picked a crappy ass time to clam up on me!

"It doesn't make sense."

Perhaps he's just not interested in me anymore, and doesn't know what to say? I sincerely don't think so. He's been taken through the ringer lately and it could appear to the untrained eye that I am pretty damn selfish bitchin' and complainin' while he's been dealing with his issues. I thought about that myself. But this distance and overthinking stuff started before the big bang happened in his world. PLUS, if you read my previous posts, life for me ain't been too peachy keen lately either.

My hope is that if he really wants to have a relationship, and it's with me anytime in the near future, he's ready to work. Oh no, I'm not expecting diamonds and pearls (though I wouldn't decline it either!). What I expect is to never again have to wonder if he's interested in me. What I expect is -- quite honestly -- for him to be the man he started out being, and that I truly believe he is.

Yep, it's still there: "It doesn't make sense."

p.s. Watch Deliver Us From Eva if you get a chance. She is my idol. If I could just be hard like her, this wouldn't happen to me! Apparently I let my guard down waaaaay too easily! Silly me, taking people at their word because what reason would they have to lie!? Dumb ass......




"It doesn't make sense."

Progress as Promised

I liked that title! That's what we see on the roads and stuff in the area of Illinois I live in. You know when they fix a pothole, expand a highway, or pave a road? Well, they know that we know that those are our tax dollars at work.

So really, they just want to rub our noses in it!

Anyway, today was a good day. I got the one thing I planned to do....done! I got the money I needed to move! I just need to schedule the moving truck and sign the papers (ie lease), and life is good.

Today, I will be packing.

No really, I will.

Seriously.

I want to get the kitchen and the bedrooms done. Once those are done, I will really feel like I made an accomplishment.

I will keep you posted, hopefully with more news and Progress as Promised.....

All By Myself

That's how I feel. That's how I want to feel.

I am so disillusioned with relationships right now, and black men in general.

I know, I know. I can't blame all for the faults of a few. But dammit, I've had my share of relationships with black men, and they've all ended up faulty. Yes, I was guilty sometimes as well, but that's not the point right now!

Isn't that one of the reasons the black guys date and marry women of another color?

They complain that black women have too much drama, and are too combative, and have too much attitude, and blah, blah, blah. But what about them?! They are so damn confused, it's infuriating! They SAY they want certain qualities in a woman, and when given the opportunity to have them, they FREEZE UP AND BOLT!!!

I'm tired and fed up! It's times like these I can see my sister's point about not wanting to date another black man again.

Forget Tyrone and Leroy. Bring on Juan, Rico, and Javier!!!!

(don't worry, I'll be better soon....)

The Update Post

So actually, I don't have much to say. I took the last two days off work. The initial intent was to get packing and things done but I really did more relaxing than anything! What did I accomplish? Well, let's see:

• I finally got an oil change for my van
• I went to both area Wal-Marts to pick up boxes (on separate days)
• Went to PetsMart for more boxes
• Cleared out my closet (except for things I will sell)
• Fixed the door from the house into the garage
• Washed up most of the clothing in the house
• Began boxing up the kids' closet clothes

You know, little things like that!

In case I haven't said it, yes I did get the duplex that I liked. Now it's a matter of coming up with the money for the deposit. I have simply told my family I will have it, because I don't want them to stress about it too bad. I am off work again on Tuesday, so that will be my "money hunt" day. Originally, I told the people we could meet to sign the lease on Tuesday, but since I'm going to combine payroll with the money I find (which isn't until Friday) I'm gonna have to push that back a few days.

The good thing is that gives me the entire month of July to "recover" before rent is due in August. August is also one of those nifty 3 payday months people love so much. In this case, it means I have both full checks in July to play with, and the 1st and 3rd check in August to cover rent for August and September. However, if something at my job doesn't change real soon, I won't be there in August to enjoy the 3 paydays. I got an email from the other woman working til 6p with me (yes, she's back to her shift now) that our manager tried yet again to get the "powers that be" to change our hours to close at 530p, but they are just not going for it. She said before she knew it she told him, "Well then you're probably gonna lose two more agents soon." She said she just couldn't help herself!

Honestly, I know my manager has done all that he can do. So my next step is to take advantage of the "open door policy" of his manager and explain my viewpoint to her. I'm trying my best to hang in there and build a little longevity, but this is ridiculous! I am toying with the idea of emailing the HR recruiter at the bank I worked temp at downtown St. Louis last year, also emailing my resume to the CEO's admin who I worked with. Something has gotta give, and since I don't think it will be CWT, it's gonna end up being me!

I think the New Guy has gotten himself confused into thinking there's someone else in my life. I think that's been one of the big deals and the reason for the distance. A little while back he read my blog about the day the Commander came over, and TOTALLY FREAKED OUT! Yes, I corrected him on it, but I don't think that helped. It went into the "he's been hurt too many times in the past and he just doesn't think he could handle it again, so he's being really cautious with me" role! Like my heart hasn't been stomped into the ground quite a few damn times either!!! But what he seems to forget is that when I was all gung-ho and thinking things were going great between us, who backed away with a story about wanting to 'pursue other options'? Hmmmmmm. Like I told him, I met the Commander during the time that he kicked me to the curb. If it wasn't for the fact that the Commander wasn't so anti-relationship (from Day One), New Guy wouldn't have been able to come back into my life after leaving me high and dry. But, the Commander and I (just like me and the Major) ARE FRIENDS.

So why do I have to keep jumping through hoops to prove my intentions are for him? Yet all I'm getting from him over the past 2 months is increasing shows of disinterest? Yeah, guess who is feeling like a fool right now? I let my guard down twice with him, and twice got stepped on.

It's funny how those people who are always trying to protect themselves from being hurt, always manage to hurt someone else.

Twice.......

I entered a Blog Contest!!

I realize the likelihood of winning is slim but...I entered anyway. Here's the details:

It's thrown by blogger This Ecclectic Life and the contest is called This Blog Blows My Dress Up!

I peeped the info off MamaMilton's blog. You should check her out too!

Got a funny blog or something funny that you haven't blogged yet? Enter it! I just did!

Lot Going On.....

Yes, yes, I know. My posts have been pretty general the last few days. No real info about what's going on with me. Not with the world, or even my world, but with me.

I will post a full series of updates by tomorrow. I just have a lot going on, most self-inflicted I will admit. But I am tired of feeling and living this way, and I HAVE to get better. Now or Never!

The personal front is still very confusing. I don't know what the status is with the New Guy. So, if I tell myself that we are just friends, then I'm not very upset about it. While that is a dangerous thing for me to do, he has left me no other choice but to think that's what we are. If this is what it's like to be in a relationship with him for real, I'm gonna have to pass!

So, be prepared for probably two, long catch-up posts tomorrow!

I'm Trying...

...to watch Tyler Perry's House of Payne television series on TBS.

I watched last week and was .... umm ..... less than impressed. I missed the episode with Madea on it, but caught the one with Mr. Brown.

So, here I am. Week 2. Trying to watch and support my people. I totally LOVE the plays and the movies that HE WROTE, but this is not good. It struggles to get laughs and - so far - has not been successful with me yet!

Hopefully, it will get better...

What-----The--------&*@#^%!!!!!!!

 

I am so pissed off right now! The Georgia State Attorney General needs his ass whooped. I mean whooped like when your grandmother told YOU to go out and pick YOUR OWN SWITCH…then she would sit in front of you and braid them together! Then and only then was she properly prepared to WHOOP YOUR BEHIND (and whatever else got in the way).

 

Just for the record, that was actually a fond memory, just the way it was.

 

So why am I pissed off? Because the evil-assed State’s Attorney filed an appeal, which will keep Genarlow Wilson in jail.

 

 

JUSTICE IS SERVED!!!

This story makes me very happy! Don’t forget to watch the video off to the side. I actually had tears in my eyes watching the mother and the attorney.

This is truly something that should have NEVER happened!

 

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/06/11/teen.sex.case/index.html

 

Saturday's News

Today was good day. I went to see a couple of places and - God's will - I may have found a new domicile!

I first went to the one I mentioned yesterday. I wasn't impressed with the outside and was equally pleased with the inside. Oh, it wasn't dirty or rundown or anything like that. It just didn't move me. You know? But, I knew I would take it if nothing else came about. The good thing was that the current tenant actually did the showing, so I got to find out about the landlord and the neighborhood. Both received positive reviews.

I had quite a but of fun with her Newfoundland dog and her sibling cats. The dog was just a big old baby, truly a gentle giant. Most would have been afraid jsut because of his size, but you could look in his eyes and tell his disposition. Or, maybe it's just me! The cats were funny, brother and sister, one gray w/white markings and the other black w/ the same white markings. The gray one, the boy, was mean as fire she said. But the girl was hilarious, she was very sociable and frisky almost like a dog. She better be careful or she'll have her cat privileges revoked for that kind of behavior!

So I enjoyed the visit, but not the place. I did another drive-thru of the popular duplex subdivision near my house and came up short. Also, the 'For Rent' sign my sister mentioned down the street from her, was a 2BR, which I couldn't take occupancy of a 2BR with my amount of children. So, feeling rather dejected I stopped by home and checked the computer classifieds one more time, just in case something showed up. Well, something did. A 3BR/1BA duplex near the middle of town, on the high end of my budget! I called and talked to the wife who gave me the address and told me to driveby and see what I thought. She told me she had to work all day but perhaps her husband could show it today. I called when I got there, told her I liked it and asked if she could see when he would be available. He said 10 minutes, so we waited.

This is the time I chose to formally share with the children that we are moving, and that if we got that place, they would probably have to change schools. Starr was very excited, since she'd be going to the school with her cousins. But DJ was not as thrilled, understandably. He was going to be going to the middle school next year! This one district has middle school grades 5-8. I apologized to him and said this is something we need to do, there are very few other choices. He went back to reading his book.

It has charm. It has the character that older houses do. I will have to compromise big time on the bedrooms (me in the smallest downstairs). It has a well fenced and gated backyard. I like it. I will keep praying (and you too please) that this is the one for us! It had it's quirks and stuff but so does everyplace, and I'm willing to "gamble" here.

Time Will Reveal......

A Good Day

Nothing fantastic happened today, which is good. I think I found a storage unit if I'll need one.
I am also going to look at a place tomorrow, and hopefully I will find it sufficient. It is a 3br brick duplex, should be available in a week, and he is motivated to get it rented. It's not very far from here, so although it's out of the kids school district, I should be okay. Depends on how things go in the next year of my life as to whether they will be required to change schools or not, so I don't want to do it if I don't have to.

I am looking for boxes currently, and may have found a source through my local freecycle chapter. I scored big last year when one lady worked at Wal-Mart and she saved out a massive amount of boxes for me. Yes, I am looking for her now!

Things are starting to get a little brighter for the New Guy, which I am pleased about. He was getting very depressed. Now there is one more hurdle he needs to jump and he'll be on his way to being back on track again. I am concerned that this whole situation may have shaken him so much that he will retreat farther than even I want to follow.

So, hopefully I will have more to report tomorrow on this place that I will look at. Something good to report. I just can't wait until things are settling with me again. Then I can decide to find another job, because I still don't feel anything is gonna change where I am. And the natives (read: my sisters) are getting restless!

Well, It's Finally Official

I will be moving - finally - from this house. My lease ends in July, but due to kinda foreseen circumstances, I should be outta here by the end of June.

It's a lot of my fault and a lot of theirs (slumlords), and I'm just happy it is coming to an end...no matter how unpleasant this ending will be. And it will be unpleasant.

Which leaves me to start packing up my entire house. I am also going to try and line up those that will help me move as well. I really don't want my family to have to do too much of anything. Even if I have to pay some teenagers to load and unload, I need this to go as seamless as possible.

I am in the process of searching for a storage unit and man!!! When did they get so expensive?? Needless to say, it's been a while since I rented a storage unit.

In other news, I talked to the New Guy yesterday and I am so on-the-fence at this point. Why? Well, I have been patient by request for several weeks now, while he figures out if this is where he truly wants to be (or something along those lines). Part of it had to do with me revealing my lifelong medical condition to him and him having to debate and decide if it's something he can live with for the duration of our mortal lives. So, I've been patient and quiet and understanding - for WEEKS!! Then to make matters worse, he is now in the process of going through a major upheaval - enough to knock anyone on their arse - for the past couple of weeks. Well, so I'm expected to be even more patient at this point and I know I need to give him the time and space to take care of these very important matters at hand.

But!! ( you didn't think there wouldn't be one, did you?) I feel as if I'm about to explode if I don't tell him how I feel. So, I talked to him yesterday and told him first off that I really missed him and secondly that I don't feel as if he's that interested in me. Well, of course I got the 'Be patient I'm really going through something' shpeel, which was totally valid. But what annoyed me is that he mentioned nothing else about how I felt. Okay I know it's not really important on his mind right now, so I have to rest in the fact that my words are still rattling around in his head and he will address it later.

Meanwhile, I am more vulnerable as time goes on. I have been feeling this way for a while now, and I don't know how much longer I can allow myself to go through this without feeling like an idiot. I mean, we see each other occasionally (like once a week, maybe) which I can deal with. What I can't deal with too much longer is not hearing from him for a few days. Like I mentioned in a previous post, a lot of the time if I don't call him or text him first...I won't hear from him. Honestly, I have started to feel like I am chasing him, and that is a bad thing. A very bad thing. (I'll post about me and chasing men another day) The bottom line is, if I feel like I am chasing him for too much longer, I'm gonna totally back down. If that happens, there's no guarantee he'll be able to woo me back. IF he even wants to.

Yeah I really am wondering.

And, to make matters worse, there is a tiger stalking his prey (me) not too far away...

Is it Just Me or....

……can Rihanna totally NOT sing???

The SOS song is cute and does a good job of masking her voice. However, the worst thing she could have done was release a ballad! I thought my ears were gonna bleed when I heard that crap! I don’t even remember the name of the song. The experience was so traumatic, my brain blocked all memory and sensory perceptions!

Now the new one, Umbrella?? Jay-Z is without a doubt the best part of the song. Thank goodness he’s in the beginning so I can change the station after his part is done. She can’t sing AND it’s a crappy song? Double Negative!!

But, she is gorgeous. She would have made an awesome print and runway model! Just don’t let her sing, for the love of Pete!!!

But, who asked me?

I SOLD IT!!!!!

That's right! I sold my van today!



Thank You God!!



My sister blessed me with $400 on Friday!



Thank You God!!!



I have a beautiful deposit to make to my bank account this morning, that feels wonderful. Unfortunately, as much as I would like the money to just go towards the very behind rent, part of it needs to cover the very rubber check I wrote to daycare on Friday so the WonderTwins could keep attending! Hey, you do what you gotta do! Now, I don't usually write bad checks, especially to people who keep my children. This was considered a floater, especially since my sister gave me the money and I knew I had 2 deposits coming early in the week. But man, this blessing was beyond!

This will be a good week at work. I am speaking it into existence! There will be a lot of reading and refocusing going on, aside from the people asking me if I miss Kween, who's on vacation. I already told my manager Friday, it's not like we won't be chatting frequently anyway!

But anyway, I can devote some serious time to reading positive things and perhaps some Bible study between calls (I want to delve into Romans) if I'm lucky. The next thing on my list is getting rid of things from this house. I am seriously going to plan a yard sale for Saturday morning. I need to get neon paper for the signs, and I want those up no later than Wednesday. I think 8am to noon will be good, as long as the kids are under control. Actually, if I let them stay up late Friday night, the WonderTwins especially won't wake up til at least 930a-1030a (fingers crossed).

So that'll be one of my work projects as well, making a list of what to sell and at how much. I have a ton of clothes for starters, and then lots of household items. Prayerfully, I will end up with another 200-300 after the sale is over. And since Friday will be a payday, it'll be great to put that together and take it straight to the slumlord.

I'm still wondering if I should start applying for other jobs yet. I really believe I need to, as it is not just the hours at this one that are the problem. The pay is good and the location is convenient, but as far as flexibility, that's just not there. It's unrealistic to expect people not to need any days off between now and September because when the next open day is on the vacation calendar, because only one person can be off at a time. Yeah, that's my job right now. I would have to schedule all interviews for either after hours, or the week I'm off in July! For the remainder of my Corporate America time - however long that may be - I want to work where they treat you more like a grownup! Most days there, I really do feel like a kid.

Meanwhile, I am still praying and searching for another place to live...before they decide to kick me out!

The Circus Came to Town

Saturday was a cool day. I did absolutely nothing until about 530p. We were supposed to be going to the circus with my sisters at 7p. But my couch was loving me so well that I really didn't want to leave it!

The oldest two were dressed already, so I just had to get the WonerTwins dressed and then myself. I tell you, being naturally cute has its advantages, it really doesn't take a lot for me to get ready! (I'm still working on the modesty thing, it comes and goes)

DJ saw his bff Jason (and family and scout troop) there, so he sat with them the first half of the show, then came down there with us for the second half. I'm still really bitter that he missed this entire year of Boy Scouts because of my piss-poor work schedule, as did Starr/Space Cadet missed Brownies.

All in all they had a great time. We usually go to the parade that Friday night. But with my niece's "graduation" picnic at daycare, I was tired by the time I left there at 8p. So I told the kids we weren't doing the parade this year but we were going to the circus the next day, and as usual they were cool with it.

So, what did I do vegging out on the couch all day? Well I did start one load of laundry, and that was it. No really, it's not even done yet, nor is it fully loaded. I'll finish it up this evening. I got to chat with the Major for a little while, in addition to the Commander. We don't chat much anymore, especially right now as he's busy building his new website from scratch. Yeah, he's one of those people! I'm all Yahoo SiteBuilder or bust, and he's writing code page for page!!!

My newest addition is finding an old boyfriend from 9th grade online! How funny is that! I was on Black Planet the other day looking around. I figured I would check guys around my age in my home city and where I live now to see if there was anyone I knew. I had already done the women a few weeks ago. I was so surprised to see his face, so I sent him a message and an add request. We emailed for a couple of days then added each other to our yahoo IM friends list and spent a few hours chatting yesterday. Bob and I "dated" (read:went together, as no actual dates took place) in 9th grade second semester. He was so cute and sweet and innocent, and just adored me! He asked me yesterday why I even dated him in the first place because he was a quiet little 'nobody' and I was so popular. I gave him the reasons I just mentioned, plus the fact that I was really into light-skinned (read: yellow) guys at the time. In the words of one of my best friends at the time: 'Light, Bright and Damn-Near White'!

What???

Anyway, I gave him my cell number and we talked for a few minutes while I was at the circus. He has a really great personality and fun sense of humor. He even has sarcasm! So, we've been catching up on each other's lives throughout the past 18years (feeling a little old right now). He has four children, 2 boys and 2 girls, just like me. But as is with most people I went to school with, his are much older than mine. Darn me for doing things in the right order!

The biggest news of Saturday was the significant amount of communication between me and the New Guy! We talked for about 30minutes early in the day. 30 minutes! He even initiated a couple of text messages to me! I really do think things will be okay between us. I know he cares and I know I care, but we are both going through major transitions right now. Perhaps when this all blows over and settles down for both of us, things will become a little more defined.

As always, I'll keep you posted!

Can you be Turned Homosexual?

I realize I may offend some with this post, but I cannot apologize. I will give you this disclaimer: I had a brother (that I truly adored) who was openly gay, that died of AIDS-related complications in 2000. I have another brother who, though he hasn’t ‘come out of the closet’, we all suspect he is and LOVE HIM REGARDLESS. Now having said that, here’s where this post came from.

I just read a story from the March 26, 2007 issue of People. It was about CNN Anchor Thomas Roberts. I really didn’t know him from Adam before reading this article, but I’ll give you the basic story:

After living with this secret for almost two decades, Thomas Roberts revealed first to his sister in 2004 what had happened. From age 14 to 17, he was molested by the chaplain of his Roman Catholic high school. This man, Rev. Jerome Toohey, Jr., was very well regarded and admired by students and parents alike. In 2005 a 34-year-old Roberts pressed charges against his abuser, who pleaded guilty to child sexual abuse and served 10 months in prison. “What happened to me was a selfish and disgusting thing to do to a kid,” says Roberts. Toohey was instrumental in getting Roberts into a boys’ school that had once turned him down. After the parents divorced 1987, the mom thought Toohey would be helpful in helping Roberts to cope with the situation. After [in my opinion] far too many overnight visits to Toohey’s home, the molestation began. “It was very methodical,” recalls Roberts of the priest’s gradual advances. “He tested the boundaries.”

“I was 14 at the time. I had never had any sexual experiences and didn’t even know my body could do that. After the first time, my whole body went tense. I was in shock and so scared. I remember Father Jeff saying, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’” After the abuse began, Roberts didn’t know where to turn. On Nov. 1, 1987 he decided ‘This has got to end’, so he swallowed a bottle of his mom’s muscle relaxants. His sister Patsy found him and called paramedics. Toohey comforted the boy – and molested him for another two years.

Here’s what struck me in the article: Why did Roberts, a successful journalist now in a long-term relationship with another man, wait so long to reveal his sexual abuse?

You know how the abused oftentimes become the abuser? It’s usually because that is all that they know, whether right or not. I wonder if that is what happened in this case? He had never had any sexual experiences before, so this was his introduction into the world of sex. I would imagine, he possibly had sex with a woman during college or something. But, what if? What if what that mentally ill, sexually perverse, sham of a representation of God Almighty (Who he will have to contend with, by the way) actually caused this man to turn out this way?

Just something to make you wonder?