Disappointed

Yeah, it's late I know. But my brain is going in a bajillion different directions right now. Totally attention deficit at its finest.

So why disappointed? You know why? I just can't get him out of my head (or heart for that matter). Then there's that uber-logical side of me that's saying "It doesn't make sense" over and over in the back of my mind.

We talked about this stuff. We talked about what we had been through. We talked about what we wanted. We talked about what we didn't want. We talked about taking it a bit slower than we had in the past.

"It doesn't make sense."

A bit slower would be in direct contrast to the snail's pace we've been progressing at the past few months, by the way.

"It doesn't make sense."

I thought I had really found something. I thought we had really found something in each other. I haven't felt that way about anyone since Can't Get Right/The One....and you know that man had my heart on a timeshare for almost a decade!

"It doesn't make sense."

You know what? I know there was something special between us, and he knew it too! That's why he totally freaked out and froze up! I gave him time to himself to think things through, and he made a grave error. He ventured into the arena of overthinking! This means that he was so busy thinking about the 'what-ifs' and the very logistics of us being together (kids, school, church, relocation, money, etc) and not talking it out with me, he stopped moving forward in the relationship. But dammit, talking and communication was one of our strong suits! He picked a crappy ass time to clam up on me!

"It doesn't make sense."

Perhaps he's just not interested in me anymore, and doesn't know what to say? I sincerely don't think so. He's been taken through the ringer lately and it could appear to the untrained eye that I am pretty damn selfish bitchin' and complainin' while he's been dealing with his issues. I thought about that myself. But this distance and overthinking stuff started before the big bang happened in his world. PLUS, if you read my previous posts, life for me ain't been too peachy keen lately either.

My hope is that if he really wants to have a relationship, and it's with me anytime in the near future, he's ready to work. Oh no, I'm not expecting diamonds and pearls (though I wouldn't decline it either!). What I expect is to never again have to wonder if he's interested in me. What I expect is -- quite honestly -- for him to be the man he started out being, and that I truly believe he is.

Yep, it's still there: "It doesn't make sense."

p.s. Watch Deliver Us From Eva if you get a chance. She is my idol. If I could just be hard like her, this wouldn't happen to me! Apparently I let my guard down waaaaay too easily! Silly me, taking people at their word because what reason would they have to lie!? Dumb ass......




"It doesn't make sense."