5 years and 1month

So, last month it seems all the bloggers did the September 11th tribute. Well, I'm late (story of my life) but I still have something to say.

I sat here just now as I changed my desktop image to this:

and thought how eerily (even to myself) obsessed I am with 9/11. I have more History channel documentaries than should be legally allowed. I mean we're talking 4 hour documentaries, albeit with commercials. (Does that help make me look less insane?) It's not like this is the first major tragedy that I've lived in. I am 32 years old and live in the Midwest. I remember the Challenger Space Shuttle Explosion. I was in 7th grade Social Studies class. I remember the Columbia Space Shuttle Explosion. I was definitely older by then and so I had a lot more compassion for humanity, than that of a 12year old who thinks life goes on forever. Okay, larger scale: I remember the Oklahoma City Bombing. I remember watching the planned implosion of the rest of the building. I was sad then, especially knowing there was a daycare in there, and kids actually died. So what is it about this that's different for me?

I remember being at work at the phone company when our manager came in and said a small plane hit one of the WTC buildings. I thought, "Oh that poor pilot." Then later he came back and said both the WTC towers had fallen. We worked across the street from a federal court building, and I watched those people being evacuated and the street entrances barricaded. Though we were directly across the street, I knew our job wasn't letting us out of their sights. They were and - from talking to employees that are still there, still are - constantly in fear that something could be more important to us than working for 'Ma Bell'! Back to the point, I wouldn't get to see anything until that night at home. I had gotten rid of hubby #2 early that year, so after I put my kids to bed (only two back then) I turned on the news and watch by myself. My God!!

I was able too see all the video footage from earlier, including the buildings going down. But it was still so surreal. Was there anyone else that it took a while to get the sheer magnitude of what happened by looking at the video footage of the plane going into the building? With the building being SO TALL, the plane looked like a toy. Then...it...began...to...sink...in....

Oh...my....God!!! There were people in there!!!! Hundreds of people in there! Husbands! Wives! Regular everyday people whose only crime was that THEY WENT TO WORK!!!!! Out came the Empath! Yeah, I'm sooo emotional! I don't do well at funerals, so I try not to go unless I have to. I can't just go to a "casual funeral" because it takes so much out of me. Why? I focus on those most directly affected by the death and put myself in their shoes. To put a lighthearted spin on it, I am most definitely Deanna Troy. (Star Trek fans will get that one)

Okay, so fast forward a month or so. Time has begun to heal the hurt and the absolute mortality that I have been feeling. Then comes the end of the year review. Images I hadn't seen in 3months flooded that screen, and the emotional torrent began. As I saw the plane crash into the building, I though about the terror of those who looked out the window as their certain demise was speeding straight at them. What do you do? Do you run? Do you scream? God, what do you do? As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about the people on the stairs that were trying to find their way out, how they must have been thinking of their families in those last dark moments. As I saw that building crumbling, I saw Death in its most ravenous form. As I saw that building crumbling, I thought about all those who rushed into the building to help others to safety but will never come out. When I saw the field in Pennsylvania, I thought about the phone calls and the missed calls and the unimaginable yet unfounded guilt loved ones must be feeling. Can you imagine getting that voicemail? What do you do? Do you try to call back? How long do you try to call back? God, what do you do?

I have watched a LOT of television in regards to 9/11. I do not plan to stop. I have learned about the terrorists. I have learned about the fifth plane (just learned that this year). I watched the made-for-TV movie about United 93. Yes, I cried ridiculously. The human aspect of the story sent the Empath into overdrive. I have YET to watch the one that was released in theatres United 93. Since I don't really have a life, I haven't seen WTC either. But I will. I have to.

So how do I describe my obsession? While it is not a daily, weekly, or even a monthly "thing", I just cannot allow myself to forget.