In Defense of Myself

 

Okay, so I’ve been ragged on about this topic more than once now, so I am compelled to write about it.

 

I get the fact that there are a lot of trifling women out there, and there are a lot of men who genuinely want to be involved in their children’s lives. Conversely, there are a lot of good women out there, and there are a lot of trifling men who want to hit and run regardless of the consequences.

 

On some occasions, the good men and good women get together and life is beautiful. Other times, trifling men and trifling women get together, and usually there are restraining orders and DCFS cases involved!

 

But in my opinion, the majority of the time, one good person ends up with one not-so-good person, thus the problems ensue. Usually this means the children more than anyone else will suffer.

 

My first husband is who my oldest child is by. We had a rocky divorce, unfortunately. Hey, what do you expect when your husband walks out on you pregnant for another woman? But, for the sake of the child, we put that behind us, and had an amicable relationship. Before we could get to that point though, I moved from St. Louis to San Diego for about 18 months to make a better life for ma and my child. (I was told I was wrong for that, by the way) He took that opportunity to try to sue me for joint custody. Not so that he could see his son more, but so that he wouldn’t have to pay as much in child support! I made a very generous offer to him to have DJ for 4 months out of the year; even the judge told him he wouldn’t have been that generous. But he rejected it, saying all or nothing. So the judge ruled nothing.

 

One thing I am not is money-hungry. I truly resent ever being categorized as such or placed in the grouping of others who are. While a child support check does help with things like diapers, formula, daycare, clothing, shoes, water, electricity, etc etc, it still doesn’t account for nor exchange the dire necessity of the consistent interaction of the father. I know that from the way I grew up. My mother never denied me access to my father, or him access to me. Heck, he literally lived around the corner from me! But I would still see him every so often, when it was convenient for him. Now, I’m sure there’s some bitter man out there who’s been done wrong by the woman or the courts that can blame that on my mom somehow, but come on!

 

EVERYTHING IS NOT – I REPEAT- NOT THE WOMAN’S FAULT!!!!!!

 

(whew! Okay I’m better now)

 

Back to me and my situation, though. Let’s fast forward to my youngest two children’s father. He dropped off the face of their earth for two years. TWO YEARS!! Mind you, we are talking about children who were less than a year and not quite 2 years old when he dropped off radar. But, because he is their father, I’m supposed to just send my kids off to visit with him the minute he shows back up?? Umm, no…and…not that sorry about it either! I did tell him that he was welcome to come visit them anytime he wanted, could bring his new wife to meet them, and even invited him to the Bruzer’s birthday party. Think he showed up? Called? Mailed a card? Nope.

 

What about that is my fault? And no, he does not pay child support. I would personally prefer NOT to have the government all up in my business like that. But, even with Can’t Get Right, I couldn’t count on him almost ever to drop a little money every now and then, let alone spend time with her. So I unfortunately made the decision to pursue child support. The girl was already 5 years old. She’s 8 now, and still needs him more than ever. But, as well as he and I get along, I can’t get him to understand that his children should always be more important than his job. I try to explain that they need him most when they’re younger, because when they’re older and you’re ready to spend time with them, they have moved on.

 

I want nothing more than for my children to have it better than I did, when it comes to money and romantic as well as parental relationships. So far, it’s not looking so good. But then, I’m sure somehow that’s my fault too! I guess I’m supposed to be the one chasing up after the men all the time to come get their children, right? I’m supposed to be tracking them down to make sure they’re there to make a pickup every other weekend, right? It’s my job to remind them of the responsibility to this child, right?

 

WRONG! I can not change any other human being’s (especially a grown-azz man’s) behavior. I cannot make them do anything they obviously don’t want to do. For the sake of my children, I have tried, I have called to remind them that their kids want nothing more than to spend time with them and to know them and to feel loved by them. But if they are too self-absorbed to take me up on it, there’s nothing I can do but try to make up for their absence.

 

Now, tell me I’m wrong for that!