It Rained, But Today Was Still Cool

I didn't do much today. I washed my hair in the shower and let it airdry. I actually ate breakfast today. 2 boiled eggs, 2 slices of canadian bacon, and 2 pieces of toast (no butter) with suger-free apricot butter. I didn't do it specifically for weight loss or anything, I just had a taste for that!

Last night Dante and I ended much better than we started the day. I felt good about that. Even sent him a Buenos Dias this morning, to which I received a reply. We chatted back and forth for a while, then he either went to sleep or started packing again. I told him the other day that the song I hear in my head when I think about him lately is "I Hate That I Love You" by Ne-Yo and Rihanna. I think that really shocked him because he asked me if I really felt that way. I told him yes but here is the next line in that chorus : And I can't stand how much I need you. I was worried that he would take that wrong, so I emailed him the lyrics to the song. Here's what I sent:

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

I even read some very old blogs as I was backing it up offline, including the first time I blogged about him. It helped to remind me that we were only supposed to be a casual relationship anyway. It made feel a little better. But, still there are other relationships that started out that way and turned into more, so why can't it be that way for me?? Then today, just now while searching for that link above, I ended up reading some of the posts from this past year. Trying not to get upset again. Not at him so much as at myself for being such a wuss this whole time! I knew something was up, so many times over I knew. But I let it slide time and time again...and it just got worse.

I think now that I am strong enough that if our relationship is over then I can be okay with it. It doesn't hurt as much as it did last week. I can imagine if we stay apart that next week when he's back living in this area that it will be hard again. But it still won't hurt as much as the past two weeks have.

On a lighter note: I can fit into my size 12 jeans again...ALL OF THEM!! Maybe stress isn't so bad after all...