A Mother's Guilt

Anyone who reads this and is a mother truly knows what I am talking about! There is always something to feel guilty about, that you didn't do right or say right. That's me a lot.

As a reminder, I have four children. Two boys ages 10 and 4, and two girls ages 9 and 5. I am a single mother. I have basically always been a single mother. I realized the other day that that's what I wanted to be. Why, you ask? I can remember being 19 and working at the bank in Springfield telling this woman I was 'so ready' to have children....like immediately. She was a white woman, married, in her thirties, and she had one question. "What about a husband? You're not even married!" At that time, because of how I was raised by a single mother (and turned out pretty darned well), a husband was trivial. I knew by looking at my family that a man was not necessary to raise children. So that's what I focused on.

Guess what? I got it!

Took me quite a while to realize I didn't really want it. Now, looking at the only 2-parent household that I am close to (ie, Leigh and my brother-in-law), I could still rationalize that I'm not missing much. Unfortunately, they do not present a united front, and it shows in the girls' behavior, mainly my oldest neice. So, I could falsely rationalize that I am doing better than my sister because at least what I say goes. There is no going to ask the other parent behind my back kind of thing (which makes me see RED by the way). As I say, I am Supreme Ruler of my Solo-Mommy Universe!

I tried really hard for a really long time to correct my status. I made some poor decisions for the sake of trying to create the 'functional family'. Cause you know mine is dysfunctional because there is only one parent....according to society that is! Poor decisions named Roy (for staying as long as I did). Exceptionally poor decision in William (real name) for trying to be someone I wasn't to become what he wanted me to be. My self-worth was still so damaged at that time, I was just happy that he wanted to marry me, even though I had four kids! Thank God I wised up!!!!!

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!

Okay, I'm back.

One of the things that SUCKS about being a solo-mommy, is that everything falls on my shoulders. If I don't pay the light/water/phone bills...they don't get paid and get turned off. It has happened. If I don't go grocery shopping and cook, we don't eat. I don't get a day off. If the kids need to go somewhere, it's me who takes them. If I want to run to the corner store for coffee, or to the bread store, everyone goes with me...or we don't go. Let me tell you something...

THAT HAS GOTTEN VERY OLD!

But, for now this is my fate. Until the time comes when I am supposed to be happily married again to someone who is not only willing to be a strong husband to a very strong yet submissive wife, but a father - not a RULER - to some already great kids. That's right, I said father, not stepdad. I have three children who have fathers that would rather not be bothered. I hate that (more guilt because I picked the losers). One (Can't Get Right) I couldn't force to be right with a 9mm Glock pointed at his head. The other (Roy) I don't even know where he is!

I will continue to handle things as best I can until the time comes for things to be different. I lose my temper and yell and fuss (and sometimes cuss) and say things I regret later. I wish I could buy more or have more time to do more with them. I wish I could be more kind and sweet and smotheringly loving to my kids (like other mothers, hence the guilt). But that is not me. I have to evolve and change how God wants me to, and know that I am doing the best by my children which - as any mother will tell you - is never good enough.