Why am I so hard to please?

So, if you haven't noticed, I have been a bit unsettled lately.

We'll blame it on hormones.

Why am I the way I am?? I mean here's a great guy that's totally into me, true to his word, and has proven he cares about me and that he is a friend. But, there is a problem with that for me. He's not "The One", he's not even a contender in the title fight for my heart.

This is such unfamiliar territory for me, I am starting to melt down I fear. I have always looked at guys as potential life partner and, if you didn't fit that bill we didn't even date. Why waste money paying a babysitter or time away from home on something that wasn't going anywhere? The Major was "safe" because he was so far away, there was no danger of that ever becoming a relationship. But meanwhile, I was still looking for Mr. Right-For-Me.

Another thing is I've always had it in the back of my mind that Can't Get Right and I would eventually get it together and get married (and show everyone!). But, lately I have come to the realization that that is not going to happen, so that "always in love" feeling is gone. I don't like it! I like being in love! I want to be in love! I want to stay in love!

Right now, I am in no position to fall in love, be in love, or stay in love with Dante. I just can't allow it to happen. I would most assuredly be setting myself up for heartbreak. And who really does that on purpose, right? But then, if I even go looking for something else (yeah, I was yahoo personals browsing last night), then I feel guilty like I am cheating. The thought of him with someone else drives me nuts (I am a bit possessive...but not in jealous way). That's why I wouldn't initiate a conversation with anyone. I just don't really want to meet anyone new right now! I got too much other stuff to deal with.

Okay, okay. I need to get my head back in the game don't I? Enjoy this for what it is, which is awesome. I LOVE it when we're together and I hate-it-but-handle-it when we're apart. I look forward to my visit next weekend, and to him coming home the week afterwards. Since I am working part of Christmas Day, I have already invited him over to my house for a full course dinner on that Sunday before. I am really trying to plan our getaway trip too, even if it's only a weekend away. I want to go away with him, we have so much fun together. Plus the thought of being in a hotel room alone with him, not worrying about any hearing....WHEW!!! Truly, he does things to me that have never been done before (which was nearly impossible)...and we are still exploring each other! There is more to come on both sides!

So can I just let it be fun and a great time and rest in the fact that - while I'm busy getting my act together otherwise (home, business, finances, etc) - one day the lasting relationship that I still so desperately seek will come my way. Only next time it does, I'll be ready for it!